3 Doctors, 9 Companions, What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
by thats-messed-up-bro
Summary: What if one day the TARDIS broke down, causing the 9th Doctor, 10th Doctor, 11th Doctor, Rose, Martha, Donna, Amy, Rory, River, Clara, Captain Jack and Mickey to be pulled inside? Then what if they were caught up in adventure, going anywhere from prehistoric Earth to Las Vegas in 2121? (Post-Trenzalore) (WARNING: Loads of Whouffle) Clara's POV, Rose's after Chapter 36.
1. The Three Doctors

**AN: I've been writing this fic for a while and finally decided to publish it. It's basically just a fanfest of everything that I just think would be hilarious with the three Doctors from New Who and all those companions, nothing serious. I have quite a lot of chapters already written (I'd say just under ten-ish) but it doesn't really have a big, defined plot yet, just a few little adventures with the TARDIS crew, so if anyone has any ideas for something funny or quirky they'd want me to write in future feel free to suggest it, even if it's just a minor thing for one character to say to another. I like to think this fic has everything. Also, a few chapters in there is whouffle, because I just can't write Clara and Eleven together without there being any, it's actually impossible (and I was trying). Takes a few chapters for everyone to arrive, because I didn't want to rush it, but they all get there in the end. Enjoy :)**

_The Three Doctors_

Clara was in the TARDIS kitchen, busying herself baking a souffle as she usually did whenever the Doctor was making some repairs to his machine. But, as she tried to take it out of the oven (to reveal, sadly, another burnt failure) the ship jerked and a huge bang sounded from the direction of the console room.

"Doctor!?" she called down the corridor. She heard nothing but a few more cranks and whirrs throughout the ship that she knew weren't right, unless the time machine was trying to trick her into getting lost... again. She left the kitchen to find the console room had been moved much closer, only a few metres.

"Doctor, what's happening!?" she asked him as the TARDIS jerked again. She pulled herself up the stairs to the main platform where the Doctor was frantically pushing buttons and pulling levers she'd never even seen him go near before.

"Nothing! Nothing I can't fix with just a few little - WHOA!" the ship veered around again as he tried to stay calm, even though he was obviously panicking. Clara was hanging from the console as the TARDIS was flung almost completely sideways.

"Doctor, you're gonna tell me what the hell is going on!" Clara shouted at him.

"I... I... I don't know what's going on! As far as I can tell the TARDIS is trying to spread herself through everywhere in space and time at once," he said, "It's all wibbly wobbly!"

"Why is it doing that!?" she asked, trying to stay steady as the ship spun around.

"Well," he pointed his screwdriver at the console and took some readings, "I'd say the Dimension Stabilisers are being overpowered. In fact they're being pumped full of power... Three times as much power, like three different TARDISs are trying to merge to..."

"Merge to what!?" Clara asked when he didn't reply and just stood staring at the console.

"Together!" He answered over the roars of the engines, then there was an almighty bang and a shimmer of light as somebody appeared on board, like they'd just been teleported. It was a tall, slim brown-haired man with a long coat and a suit. He spun around from where he was standing at the door into the TARDIS and Clara gasped upon realising who it was.

"Doctor?" she said, but to whom she was directing the question she didn't know.

"Yes?" said two men at once. The Eleventh Doctor already knew who this man was, but the Tenth didn't. Yet. Ten looked at Eleven and frowned, then at Clara. "Sorry, do I know you?" he asked her.

"Not yet," she answered.

"Hello, Doctor," said Eleven.

"Hello... Who are you? Where am I? Is this...?" Ten asked, staring around the inside of the TARDIS. "No, it can't be! What on Earth have you done to my TARDIS!?"

"My TARDIS now," said Eleven.

"Yours? This TARDIS is... Oh... Oh! Now I understand! What number are you?"

"Eleven," he said.

"Are you..? Sorry, but are you wearing a bow tie?" he asked.

"Yes, yes I am. Bow ties are cool. So are fezzes. Remember that," advised Eleven.

"Right..." said Ten. But then, the TARDIS, which had been calm and stable for a brief few minutes, started to jerk again, sending Clara flying into the railings and the Doctors clinging to the console. "What's happening!?"

"She's trying to bring three TARDISs together and it's tearing apart reality!" Eleven explained.

"Who, her?" Ten nodded towards Clara, who was offended. "Who is she?"

"No, not me, the snogbox!" Clara said, pointing up. At that the TARDIS shifted and caused her to stumble.

"Snogbox?" asked Ten, grinning to himself like a child. Eleven didn't approve.

"It's not a snogbox, Clara," said Eleven. "She's Clara Oswin Oswald," he said to Ten.

"You've said that before," she toyed, referencing the first bit of his sentence.

"Yes, and that's not a conversation I'm too keen to repeat," muttered Eleven angrily. Clara smiled evily to herself, she had succeeded in embarassing him in front of himself. But her joy was short lived as the TARDIS started to lose control again, wildly spinning around until-

"Fantastic. This is just fantastic," came the voice Clara knew from her other lives as that of the Ninth Doctor as the leather jacketed northener was beamed by the doors too.

"Hello, Doctor," said all three of the other TARDIS occupants at once. Nine stared around at them all.

"Welcome to the TARDIS, we're trying to stop the universe from exploding right now," said Eleven.

"The universe is gonna explode!?" exclaimed Clara, he'd neglected to mention this before.

"No! Of course not, silly, the universe can't explode. It can implode, however," he said.

"How is that any better!?" she demanded.

"Well, it isn't. Some might say it's worse," said Eleven.

"What's happened to the coral!?" asked Nine.

"Yeah, I was thinking the same thing," said Ten. "I liked the coral, and now it's all... blue, and silver."

"Coral? There used to be coral in here?"asked Clara.

"Yeah," said Ten, "oh, actually, something's happening." Nine ran to the console and carried out his own diagnostics on it.

"Dimestabilisers are broken, why is she giving out three times the power?" he asked. "And who are you?" he looked to Clara.

"She isn't," said Ten, "she's absorbing three times the power, and I think we're in for another Telrealiport. And that's Clara Oswin Oswald, apparently."

The TARDIS shook again (at least it was getting less violent) and somebody else was beamed into the ship. All three Doctors turned to stare and two words were spoken, one by the Doctors, and one by the newbie.

"Doctor?"

"Rose?"

"Yowzah, it's not just this universe that's breaking down, it's all of them," said Eleven.

"All of them?" asked Clara. "How many are there?"

"Infinity," said Nine.

"I was at home, I was with mum, and dad, and..." Rose said.

"Me?" suggested Ten.

"Well the... other you," said Rose. "How did I get here?"

"Telrealiport," explained Nine.

"What's that?" she asked.

"The TARDIS is trying to pull multiple versions of itself through time and space together, including all three Doctors," explained Nine.

"And me," said Clara, waving at Rose.

"Who's she?" said Rose rudely.

"She's umm... Who is she again?" Ten turned to Eleven.

"She's Clara Oswin Oswald," said Eleven.

"So you've never met her?" Rose asked Ten, who shook his head. "Hello, I'm Rose Tyler," Rose held her hand out to Clara.

"No, no, no, no, no! Don't touch anything or anyone!" said Ten.

"And listen this time Rose," said Nine.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"The last time I told you not to touch, what did you go and do?"

"That wasn't my fault!"

"Don't touch the baby! Same goes here," he said.

"I'm not a baby," said Clara.

"Best not get in the way here," Eleven whispered to her after she was ignored by Nine and Rose, who'd started arguing.

"Dad passed me the baby!"

"You shouldn't've been anywhere near the baby!"

"You two having a domestic in here?" came a male american voice from somewhere. Everyone looked around to see Captain Jack Harkness, who had apparently just been beamed into the TARDIS too.

"Not even a hello?" questioned Eleven, who was focusing on the TARDIS and looking slightly confused.

"What's this, now you want me to say hello?" Jack asked.

"What? No, I didn't mean that!" said Eleven, "and how do you even know who I am? We haven't met."

"Give me some credit, it's pretty obvious. I've been standing up here for a few minutes now. Who's the new girl?" Jack nodded at Clara.

"Clara Oswin Oswald," said Nine, Ten and Eleven at once, cutting over Clara, who was clearly not allowed to introduce herself on her own.

"Hello," said Jack.

"Stop it," rang out three times. Rose laughed. Three sonic screwdrivers buzzed at once and then some sparks burst around the console, but the roar of the engines died down.

"There we go, I've managed to reroute power to other parts of the TARDIS, it should be a good ten minutes before the next jump," said Ten.

"It's going in order," said Eleven.

"What order?" asked Rose.

"Chronological order, of the past three hundred years. Every single person who's travelled in the TARDIS for three centuries is going to appear," he elaborated.

"So who's next?" asked Clara.

"Mickey the Idiot," said Eleven.

"Oi," said Rose. "You've never even met him!"

"Not with this face, no," said Eleven. Then the smell of burning reached their noses.

"What's burning?" asked Ten. "Doesn't smell like metal burning, more like..."

"Souffle," said Eleven. At that Clara ran off, she'd completely forgotten about her souffle that she hadn't managed to remove from the oven. The TARDIS kitchen was full of smoke, her souffle ground to ashes. She sighed.


	2. He's Coming

**AN: Thanks for all the positive feedback, I may or may not put up the chapter until they all arrive. Yes, there is an explanation as to why there's just 12 of them and not a crazy abundance of charcters I can't actually write because I have no idea what they'd say. Enjoy :)**

_He's Coming_

"So, Clara Oswin Oswald, how did you meet the Doctor?" asked Rose, who had followed her into the kitchen.

"Just Clara Oswald," said Clara.

"Then why does he call you Clara Oswin Oswald?" asked Rose.

"Long story," she said, turning off the oven and throwing the souffle in the bin.

"We've got nine minutes," said Rose. Clara sighed and sat down at the dining table in the TARDIS, which, just minutes ago, had definitely only seated two, and had now stretched to match the six people who were now inhabiting it. Piecing together what she hoped was the truth from her hazy, partial memories of her past lives and stray mutters that the Doctor had let slip accidentally while thinking she couldn't hear, she tried to explain to Rose, as concisely as possible, how she'd met the Eleventh Doctor. She ended up going off on multiple tangents about the Dalek Asylum and her "life" stranded aboard Starship Alaska (though she left out the bit about her actually being a Dalek), and again about how difficult it had been to land a job as a Victorian governess when you were really a barmaid from a working class family. Then she explained what little she remembered of the Wi-Fi incident, of which she'd spent a lot of time unconscious. She managed to get that far without a single mention of River Song, the Doctor's wife, whose name she dropped accidentally when listing a few of her other excursions from home.

"River Song? Weird name, who's she?" asked Rose, interrupting Clara. There had been arguments from the console room between Jack and the Doctors, so he'd managed to ween his 51st-century-self into the kitchen too and had been listening to Clara since the chapter about the Ice Lady who'd pushed her off a cloud.

"River Song? I know that name," mused Jack, "Pretty famous in '22."

"5122?" asked Rose.

"Yep," said Jack. "How does she know the Doctor though?"

"I don't know if I'm allowed to tell you that," said Clara. "One of you might tell one of them in there."

"If she's travelled in the TARDIS in the last three hundred years, then she's gonna show up anyway," Rose deduced. Clara frowned while she thought to herself, realising they were right. What harm could it do, telling them both something they were going to figure out in the next hour anyway?

"She's his wife," said Clara. Rose and Jack both burst out in laughing fits.

"Oi! What are you three talking about in there? I don't like the sound of that laughter!" Eleven called through the incredibly short corridor to them.

"Slitheen!" Rose called back to them.

"Sli-who?" asked Clara.

"You haven't met the Slitheen? They're huge," said Rose.

"And green," added Jack.

"And they explode when you throw pickled eggs at them!" Rose said, she and Jack still laughing. "Mind you, have you been to Klom?"

"Klom? Isn't that where those Absorbathon things are from?" asked Jack.

"Absorbalof," corrected Rose.

"I have no idea what your talking about," said Clara.

"Didn't you see on the news, when that spaceship crashed into Big Ben?" Rose asked.

"Oh, that! That was these Slitheen things?"

"Don't you ever ask the Doctor about the things on the news? The spaceships?" asked Rose curiously. Clara shrugged.

"Nope. Why? Should I?" she asked.

"Yeah! Don't you remember the spaceship over London? All those ghosts?" asked Rose.

"The Christmas Star? Harry Saxon? The planets in the sky?" said Jack.

"What, seriously? All those things were the Doctor?"

Suddenly there was another bang from the console room, followed by some hisses and light flickers, that meant somebody else had arrived - or that they were going to arrive promptly. They left the room, Rose first, Jack second, Clara behind after having an "eyes front" argument with Jack, one she recalled her Victorian self having with the Doctor in the 19th century.

"We managed to keep the power rerouted for nearly fifteen minutes," Ten said to them while he was messing around with some wires.

"Won't be able to do that again, but," Nine began, then paused to allow Eleven to finish the sentence.

"We've got a timer!" he said, grinning like a two year-old and very proudly putting an egg timer a top the console.

"Doctor, how long's left on that timer..?" asked Clara.

"Oh I don't know, about four seconds? Well, three now. Two. One. Uh-oh!" he said, then the little timer seemed to explode and throw itself to the floor as there was a light in the room and another person appeared, someone else who, like Jack, Clara didn't know, but she presumed this was 'Mickey the Idiot'. But he was also accompanied by somebody else.

"Martha Jones!" said Ten and Eleven together.

"Mickey the Idiot!" said Nine, who didn't yet know Martha.

"Doctor? And... Doctor? And... who are you?" Mickey asked, looking at Eleven accusingly.

"I'm the Doctor too. The Eleventh Doctor. Over there you'll see Rose, Captain Jack, and Clara Oswin Oswald."

"Doctor, you don't have to say my full name every time you introduce me to someone," said Clara.

"No, I suppose not... Martha Jones! It's been a long time since we last spoke. Still with UNIT? Last time I saw you two you were fighting off a sontaran," said Eleven.

"No, we both went freelance. And got married," said Martha, flashing a wedding ring at Ten and Eleven.

"What, you and Mickey the Idiot? Mickey Jones?" asked Ten, looking between the two of them.

"No, Smith-Jones," Martha said. "But nevermind that, why are we on the TARDIS? We were busy trying to get rid of a rogue Slitheen."

"Honestly, am I the only one who doesn't know about these Slitheen things?" asked Clara, feeling a little bit left out. These companions had all met before, but it looked like the Eleventh Doctor liked to stop them meeting. He'd never let her visit Amy and Rory Pond, but she supposed she'd meet them soon enough anyway.

"Uh-oh," said Eleven suddenly, who'd just gotten distracted by something red and flashing on the TARDIS screen. "That's not good... That's really not good..."

"Why? What is it?" asked Rose as Ten and Nine both ran around to see what was on the screen.

"But that's impossible!" said Nine.

"No... No it isn't..." said Ten, "this is bad. This is very bad. And we only have seventeen minutes."

"Doctor, what's going on?"

"Martha, Jack, who else travelled in the TARDIS?" Ten asked them, trying to stimulate an answer.

"I don't know, Donna?" suggested Jack.

"No, no, no, before Donna," said Ten. They both thought until, simultaneously, fear washed across their faces.

"He's dead," said Martha, "I saw him die!"

"He came back since then, and he died again, but now... I don't know what's going to happen..." said Ten.

"What? What's going on!?" asked Clara.

"It's the Master. He's coming next."


	3. Chips

_Chips_

Clara was shocked, and terrified. She knew the Master, she'd been killed by the Master. She'd been killed multiple times by the Master, and now he was coming to the TARDIS. But he was up against three Doctors and five companions, so maybe they stood a chance if he was on his own.

"Can we do anything? Can we stop him?" asked Clara.

"The TARDIS is taking everyone straight out of time, too. Straight out of their present, 2013... The Master in 2013 would be dead. Maybe he'll just be a body?" wondered Ten, though who he was wonering to Clara didn't know, but he hadn't really answered her question.

"Who's the Master?" asked Rose.

"He's a Time Lord," Martha managed. "The only other Time Lord left."

"But, Doctor I thought you were the last Time Lord?" said Rose.

"So did I!" said Nine, who hadn't lived this part of his life yet.

"The Master came back from the end of the universe in the TARDIS, back to Earth, and became Harold Saxon, the Prime Minister. He took over the world and destroyed it, and then he died and history was rewritten, that year never happened and only a few can remember it," said Ten quickly. "And then he was ressurected, took over the world again, rewrote the human race to his biology, tried to bring back the Time Lords and Gallifrey, and then I..." Ten paused.

"You regenerated," finished Eleven.

"Yes, but... But why do I know that? I remember it. I remember dying. What point in time am I from?" asked Ten.

"The last time the TARDIS saw you," said Eleven, "Which was just before you became me."

"I remember it too," said Nine, "Right at the end of my life, and now I'm here. We're supposed to be dead, you and I," he said to Ten, "we came back at the moment we died."

"So the Master will too in just fifteen minutes!"

"Can't you change the order they appear?!" asked Rose. "Call someone else?"

"Maybe, but they'd have to be more connected to the TARDIS than the Master, someone she likes and would much rather have on... Oh..." said Eleven. "Nope, can't do it."

"Doctor," said Clara sternly, knowing exactly what he was thinking.

"No, she's not coming here!" said Eleven, whining like a child. It was lucky Clara had experience with whiny children. "No!"

"You said someone more connected to the Snogbox and someone it likes," said Clara. She ignored the many calls about 'Snogbox' and kept her attention on the Eleventh Doctor, "who better than the Child of the TARDIS?"

"...Fine," muttered Eleven, deciding not to argue with Clara. He walked off, if huffily, back to the console and started fiddling with buttons.

"What are you doing?" asked Ten. "Who are you...But that's..."

"Professor River Song," said Eleven bitterly. "Archaeologist. Oh look, she's been switched with the Master. Twelve minutes."

"Told you," said Clara.

"Yeah... whatever," said Eleven. He glanced back to the screen for a check. "Hang on..."

"What is it?" asked Nine, fidgeting with his sonic that appeared to be faltering again.

"Oh... Not twelve minutes. Twelve hours. We've got twelve hours to kill before we're in any immediete sort of danger. That means that at 11:11 tomorrow-"

"The time isn't really 11:11, is it?" asked Clara, interrupting.

"Well, no, but I was just showing them that eleven is the best number," said Eleven. "It's actually 11:24. And that means that at 11:24, or 22, to be honest, tomorrow, River Song is going to cause chaos."

"Chips!" said the Ninth Doctor suddenly, who hadn't really been saying as much as the other Doctors. He'd also been trying harder than them to fix the TARDIS.

"Sorry?" asked Clara, confused and still feeling marginally outcast in the group of old friends. The Eleventh Doctor was the only one who knew her there. She was practically looking forward to River's arrival, somebody else who didn't know these people. And perhaps if the Ponds ever arrive, she could talk with them.

"It's late and we're all hungry, let's have some chips!" he said.

"Then there's something I have to do while we have a break..." said Ten, thinking to himself.

"Yes... I'll help you with that thing, and I'm sure Jack can help too," said Eleven. Jack looked up from where he'd been peering at the console, seeing the new controls and studying them, trying to figure out what they did.

"What thing?" asked Jack.

"Tell you later," said Eleven, "But!" he clapped his hands together, "As I so rightly said, chips!"

"I said that!" argued Nine, following Eleven out of the room while they argued about whether or not they were still counted as the same person. Clara had been closer to the door, and was forced to wait for everybody else to leave before she could even move past the large group that now consisted of Eleven, Nine, Mickey, Martha, Jack and Rose. Ten, however, was fiddling with the TARDIS computer with saddened eyes, and, through always having to ask Angie and Artie (and to some extent Eleven) what was wrong, it was almost a force of habit not leave people if they looked sad.

"What's wrong?" she said, leaning across the console on the other side to him.

"Nothing," he said quietly, focused on the computer. There was silence before he glanced up, did a double take and realised she was still there, waiting for an answer. "Aren't you gonna go get some chips?"

"Nah, I prefer souffles," said Clara. "What's wrong?" she asked, more serious this time.

"Nothing. Now, what's this with you and souffles?" asked Ten, looking genuinly curious. "Never have I known someone to bake so many souffles. Everyday, I've been told. Why?"

"I like souffles," she said vaguely.

"So do I. So do most. But they don't bake them on a daily basis. Why do you bake so many souffles?"

"What's wrong?" she countered.

"One of my friends is going to show up, and she can't show up, or she'll die," said Ten, almost choking on a lump in his throat, eyes sparkling slightly. Clara knew exactly who he was talking about: Donna Noble, his best friend and the Most Important Woman in the Universe. "And trust me, dying isn't fun."

"I've died more times than you," she said.

"I'm the Tenth Doctor, that means I've died nine times. And each time it was just like anyone else dying," he said.

"At least you knew you were going to come back," she said, remembering what it was like to realise your life was a lie and to open that forcefield, knowing you were sentencing yourself to death. Remembering what it was like to be dragged off a cloud and fall so far to the ground on Christmas Eve after just being granted passage to the stars.

"What are you actually talking about? You're a human, the TARDIS says you're a human, a twenty-four year old human at that, how can you have died more than nine times without the TARDIS knowing?" asked Ten, confused.

"I'm the Impossible Girl," she said, smiling to herself. She left him then to go to the kitchen. She wished there was some of Oswin's total-screaming-genius in her so maybe she could help, but the computer skills granted to her by the Great Intelligence didn't stretch to alien time machines.

In the kitchen the TARDIS had created the chips already, and the table was now round and had seven chairs. Seven. There were eight of them. Ten didn't look like he'd be there any time soon though, so she walked over to the seat she presumed was his, to see that in the blink of an eye there were just six chairs and no plate of chips for her.

"Aren't you going to sit down?" asked Eleven while Mickey and Martha were telling the others about their wedding and what they were doing now they'd gone freelance.

"The Snogbox has taken my chair!" said Clara.

"I'm sure she just made a mistake!"

"No, there were seven chairs and now there are six and not one for me," said Clara, "I told you the Snogbox hates me."

"She'd like you more if you stopped calling her a "snogbox", an "it" and paid her some respect," said Eleven, talking much too fondly than Clara deemed natural about the TARDIS. She'd shown him which TARDIS to take, too. Without her, this TARDIS wouldn't even be there, so she didn't know what it (she would always refuse to call it she while it refused to pay her the smallest amount of respect) disliked her so strongly for.

"You haven't changed much then," Rose said to him.

"Eh?" he asked.

"You and the TARDIS, you care more about this machine than you do real people!" said Rose.

"She is a real person!" defended Nine, obviously on the side of his future self. Annoyingly, this gave Eleven more confidence in the matter, and he promptly declared that because two of the three Doctors had said it that it was true and the TARDIS was real.

"But that doesn't solve the problem of where I'm supposed to sit!" said Clara, still annoyed she'd been forgotten about momentarily. "However many times you say the Snogbox is alive it doesn't mean my seat comes back!"

"Come sit on my knee," Jack offered, obviously trying to flirt, but then again, Jack flirted with everything and anything, alive, dead or even inanimate.

"Stop it! Nobody is going to sit on your knee, Jack," said Eleven angrily. He'd just finished his chips and was trying to refill his bowl from the fryers on the side as he spoke. "Here, take my bowl and sit in the console room if she won't let you sit down," he said, giving Clara the chips. She smiled, realising how hungry she actually was (since she hadn't been able to make a souffle earlier as she had hoped), and left to go into the console room where Ten was still fidgeting with the computer.

"Come back have you?" he asked. One of the panels was now gone and he had 3D glasses on, using his screwdriver to carry out a delicate operation on the hunk of metal Clara was now quickly losing more and more respect for, and hope of ever getting along with.

"Had to," she said, eating a chip. "I was ordered to."

"By who?" he asked.

"You!" she said, "because somebody wouldn't let me sit at the table like a normal person."

"Me? I wouldn't let you sit at the table?" he asked, getting increasingly more confused.

"No, the Snogbox wouldn't. It kept deleting my chair!" she shouted angrily, more to the TARDIS than anyone else. She daredn't move after that though, incase something mysteriously moved into her path to trip her over.

"Oh, that's not nice, why are you doing that?" Ten asked the TARDIS. Clara scoffed and rolled her eyes, annoyed all three of he Doctors present were apparently in love with an aging bit of metal. It flashed and whirred in response and Ten chuckled to himself like he'd just been told a reasonably funny joke.

"What are you doing?" asked Clara, bored of the awkward silence between herself and the Tenth Doctor.

"Trying to find a way to temporarily stabilise a Time Lord/Human biological metacrisis," he said.

"...Does that involve computers, at all?" asked Clara, wondering if maybe her computer skills were better than first presumed, and maybe some of Oswin had seeped through since she'd sacrificed herself a thousand times for Eleven.

"I think the TARDIS is way out of your depth, especially since she doesn't like you. From what she's told me she'd never let you tinker," said Ten. Clara glared at the console like it had gravely offended her which, to be fair, it had.

"I hacked into the Dalek's hive mind telepathic field and completely erased your existence from the mind of every single one of them including the Dalek Parliament," she said. Ten dropped his screwdriver.

"You did what!? How? When!? What?!" he said, completely stunned. "No Time Lord's ever been able to do that!"

"In less than a minute," she added.

"How did you manage to do that?!" he said. Clara shrugged.

"From what I can remember it was very easy," she said. Ten didn't say anything, but merely leaned forwards and hit the TARDIS's monitor so it spun around to the opposite side of the console and opposite Clara, where she could maybe try and call on Oswin's computer skills to help the Doctor and save Donna Noble's life. But this problem was biological, nothing really to do with hacking, she hoped she could still help though.


	4. What's Wrong With Bunkbeds?

**AN: Yes, here is half of the promised explanation about with there's only going to be 12 of them!**

_What's Wrong with Bunkbeds?_

She was really just searching through the TARDIS databases to find anything while Ten kept tinkering with the console. They'd been working together in silence on opposite sides of the room for quite a while when the voices of the others reached them.

"What have you two been doing then?" asked Jack, wandering across to peer over Clara's shoulder at the screen. "You're reading that Gallifreyan faster than the TARDIS is translating it," he said.

"Gallifreyan?" asked Clara, looking at the screen again. She hadn't noticed she was reading Gallifreyan, it had seemed like English...

"I noticed that," said Ten, "Way too fast. The TARDIS isn't supposed to translate it for you, she's set not to. For privacy. But you... Why can you read it?"

"I..." she said, but she didn't have an answer. She looked to Eleven for some help, but he wasn't looking at her, he was looking off somewhere else and thinking hard.

"I told the TARDIS to be nicer to Clara, so she must be translating the Gallifreyan," said Eleven. But nobody else knew the Eleventh Doctor, and nobody else knew when he was so obviously lying. He clapped his hands together and broke the confused silence that had grown in the group. "So! Sleeping arrangements!"

"I'm not sleeping on my own," said Clara first, "Every time I sleep in here the stuff inside the room gets moved around, the bed breaks, the room itself moves, and once it deleted itself and I woke up on the corridor."

"That used to happen to me and none of you believed me!" said Mickey suddenly, sticking up for Clara.

"Well it... Did seem a bit..." Rose began sheepishly. "Farfetched."

"Idiotic," said Ten at the same time Rose said farfetched. They both laughed. "Oh, I've missed you Rose Tyler."

"Why isn't Adam here?" asked Rose suddenly.

"You're pretty little boyfriend?" said Nine, mocking her a little.

"He wasn't my boyfriend!" said Rose angrily.

"You make a good point though," said Ten, "I wonder why he hasn't showed up. Should've been here before Martha. Actually, before Jack."

"Who is this pretty boyfriend?" asked Jack, interrupting.

"We met him at a museum," said Rose, "Henry Van Statten's museum, in...?"

"Utah," said Nine.

"Van Statten?" asked Martha.

"Yeah, know him?" asked Rose.

"He owned the internet in 2012. UNIT were investigating some stray signals, then everything went completely dead, his empire sold off," said Martha.

"Yeah... They sort of filled it with cement," said Ten.

"We rescued Adam and took him to Satalite 5, where he sort of... had some..." began Rose, struggling to find the words.

"Major brain surgery. Well, just a little major brain surgery, mind you. Then the Jagrafess tried to take the TARDIS key, and he almost destroyed human history," said Ten.

"What, in one day?" asked Clara.

"No, in a few hours," said Nine.

"Satalite 5? That was where the Daleks invaded," said Jack.

"This was 100 years before you got there," said Ten. "Maybe the TARDIS isn't bringing them in order, maybe it was just a coincidence."

"Adam what?" asked Clara.

"Sorry?" asked Ten, not understanding, but Rose jumped in.

"Mitchell, Adam Mitchell," she said.

"Yeah, he sort of doesn't exist," said Clara after searching through the TARDIS databases for a whole three seconds.

"What do you mean, he doesn't exist, of course he exists, I've met him," said Rose. "You're probably just doing it wrong."

"Gimme, I'm good with computers," said Mickey, reaching for the monitor but Clara held it away from him.

"I'm better," she said.

"I hacked the emotion-chip-thingy in the Cybermen," said Mickey, trying to grab the monitor.

"Inhibitor, emotional inhibitor," corrected Ten. "And only after I told you exactly what to do and how to do it."

"I hacked the Daleks' hive mind and deleted the Doctor's existence," said Clara, searching 'Adam Mitchell' for the eleventh time and still bringing up nothing.

"That's impossible," said Jack, "People have been trying to do that for years."

"You were technically already in the hive mind," said Eleven, butting in. Clara tried to give the Eleventh Doctor a 'please stop talking now' look, knowing she wouldn't be trusted if they thought she was a Dalek. Thankfully he caught and understood it.

"How was she in their hive mind?" asked Jack.

"She... hacked it! Like she said. Hacked it long before I came, but didn't know what to do with it!" he covered (poorly). "Bedrooms!" said Eleven. "What about bunkbeds? Bunkbeds are cool."

"Unless you're married," commented Clara, remembering a breif snippet of a conversation between the Doctor and the Ponds she'd witnessed in his time stream.

"I still don't know why they didn't want bunkbeds..." mused Eleven, rubbing his chin in confusion. He caught Clara's eye, who was giving him another look, but this time a 'how stupid are you for a 1200 year old time lord' one. "What?"

"Young things," she whispered to him.

"What do you... OH!" he finally realised, then shuffled uneasily as she snickered to herself and searched the TARDIS for anyone else who might pop up.

"Is my old room still here?" asked Rose.

"What about mine?" asked Martha.

"And mine?" asked Jack.

"You can have new rooms!" said Eleven. "I don't know how long you'll be staying for anyway, it depends how many more people are coming and how long it takes to fix the TARDIS."

"Five," said Clara.

"FIVE?!" asked Eleven, shocked. Then he added "Five what?"

"Five more people who actually exist to the TARDIS. Apparently, the Maitlands don't either."

"But which five?" asked Eleven, "who are they?"

"River, Amy, Rory, Donna and the Master," she said grimly. "I switched the order of them appearing in the TARDIS with 12 hour intervals between each one, thank me later."

"How did you do that? It took three of us 15 minutes to stabalise the telrealiports once, and you've just done it five times now?" questioned Nine, bemused.

"I don't know what's wrong with the Snogbox though, you can still do that," she said. "Nothing on that other problem either," she said to Ten about Donna's metacrisis.

"Do we have to stay here for three days?" asked Martha, her face a picture of shock and rage.

"Two and a half," said Eleven.

"I can change it to three days if you really want," said Clara, but she had already stood up and pushed the monitor back around to Ten.

"No thanks. Let's go find these bunkbeds then," she said unenthusiastically. With that, all of them (apart from Ten and Nine) set off through the TARDIS corridors, wondering where their new rooms were going to be built.

It took a while for them to find their way around to the area of the TARDIS where bedrooms usually sprang up, but there were two new doors. Jack took the liberty of opening one while Martha opened the other, to reveal two almost identical rooms. The only difference being that one of them had three beds. Maybe allowing Clara a place to sleep was the TARDIS's way of thanking her for trying to help Donna, or sort-of fixing the telrealiports, as the Doctors called them. However, it was still a triple bunk bed.

"So Mickey, wanna go on top?" Jack teased from across the hall as Clara, Rose and Martha looked at the bed.

"Stop it!" said Eleven to him.

"What? I wasn't saying hello," said Jack, leaning out of the doorway.

"No, that was worse," he said. "See, look Clara, bed!" exclaimed the Eleventh Doctor, pointing at the bunkbeds.

"Yes," said Clara, "that's a bed."

"The TARDIS made you a bed!" he said excitedly.

"I know it did," she replied.

"You have a bed now!" he said it like a child at christmas, and she couldn't resist flirting with him.

"Are you trying to make me an offer?" she asked, making heavy implications against him and finding it almost impossible to keep a straight face.

"What? No... NO..! Urgh... You! Psht!" he said a string of ineligible sounds before stomping off huffily.

"Clara Oswald, did you just flirt with a married man?" asked Jack from his room where he was still leaning. Clara didn't answer but just laughed as she, Rose and Martha began arguing about sleeping arrangements.

"I'm going on the bottom so I won't be as injured if the Snogbox throws me out," said Clara.

"I wanna go on the top," said Martha.

"No, I do," argued Rose.

"I'm better with heights than you," said Martha.

"I once hung onto a barrage balloon in the sky in the middle of a German air raid," Rose bragged.

"I had to stand at the top of the Empire State Building during a lightning storm."

"I held onto a string ladder under a zeppelin being attacked by a cyberman!"

"I climbed to the top of a huge church being chased by a monster that was trying to eat me!" They were both shouting now, but seconds later the argument was pointless as Clara blinked, because then the bunk beds were separated into three normal beds. But, the argument was now about more than heights.

"I've met Queen Victoria," said Rose.

"I've met Queen Elizabeth I," said Martha.

"Will you two be quiet?!" shouted Captain Jack.

"Yeah, it's like World War Three in there!" Mickey added.

"I stopped World War Three from happening," said Rose.

"So did I, just a different World War Three," said Martha, but it was more joking than an actual row now.

Finally, after an unprecidented amount of time, everyone was in bed and they were all trying to sleep. Every now and then there would be laughs, or groans, or a bang, or a crash from the distant console room as the Doctors were presumeably trying to repair Donna's mind if she ever showed up.

"What did you do after the last time we met?" Martha asked Rose.

"Got married," she said. "What about you?"

"Got married," Martha said, laughing a little, "To Mickey. Your ex."

"Well he deserves someone who can actually be there and doesn't run off," said Rose.

"What about you? Did you meet someone in the parallel world?" asked Martha.

"The duplicate, Tentoo," she said. "We're married."

"You and the Doctor? You married the Doctor?" said Martha.

"The human Doctor, with a little bit of Donna, which takes a while getting used to," said Rose.

"I told you, wives but not girlfriends," said Clara. Martha and Rose continued having a quiet conversation about the last - and only - time they met and Clara, as she didn't know enough to be involved with their conversation, managed to drift off to sleep.


	5. Chapter-Wapter Fivey-Wivey

**AN: This is one of my favourite chapters so far, and also the longest so far ('so far' being 18 chapters I have ready but will not upload all at once because that'd be crazy), so I hope you all enjoy it too. I also hope you like Clara, because she has a bit too much dialogue in the following chapters, so if you don't like her I apologise. Enjoy :)**

_Chapter-Wapter Fivey-Wivey_

The room looked the same by the time she woke, Martha and Rose both appearing to be asleep. She checked the clock on the wall, it was only quarter past eight and she doubted anyone else would be awake apart from the Doctors, who had probably pulled an all-nighter. Time Lords didn't sleep as much as humans anyway. There were still over three hours before River was due to arrive, too.

She peered into the console room once she had navigated her way back to it (which had taken a while - she suspected the TARDIS had been changing the corridors) to see the console itself stripped, wires leading off all over the place to various work spaces and near the middle, hanging from the ceiling was a device Clara had seen from the Doctor's memories, the helmet-type headgear that had once turned him into a human called John Smith, but now there were new wires and gizmos connected like it was the centrepiece in some grand piece of art.

"What's that?" she asked, making the Eleventh Doctor jump as he had his back turned.

"It's a, err, thing to try and reverse the metacrisis," said Eleven, "we don't have a name for it yet..."

"How about... the metahat? The crisishat? The reversalhat? The metacrisisreversalhat?" Clara suggested.

"They're rubbish names, think of something that sticks in your mind!" said Eleven.

"What, like 'thing'? What about wibby-wobbly thing? Bumpy-wumpy thing?"

"Yeah, alright leave it out," said Eleven, not appreciating her commenting on his lack of imaginative adjectives.

"Spacey-wacey thing?" said Clara.

"No, go away, you're being all... distracting," he said.

"What about timey-wimey thing?"

"Ooh, I like that one," said Ten, pointing his screwdriver at her and grinning, but still peering through his 3D glasses at something green and glowing.

"What's that? Is it glowy-wowy?" she asked Ten, walking past Eleven as he tried to stop her getting in the way of their machinery.

"It's a power source, we have to use it to supply the, err, hat thing, with, well, power," he explained, zapping it a few times with his sonic.

"Yes and now you've seen that so go do something else," ordered Eleven, taking her hand to pull her away.

"What's wrong with you, I'm the one who fixed your teleport-whatsit yesterday, you can't just throw me out!" she argued, resiting and holding on to the TARDIS railings.

"I just think it's best if you stay out of the console room for the next two... days... or so!" he said. She began to protest but he spoke over her, "The TARDIS won't like it if you're around her when she's so vulnerable."

"You're calling a spaceship vulnerable," said Clara.

"Yes!"

"Why?"

"Because she is! So just go tell everybody else to stay away, too. Only Doctors around the TARDIS today," said Eleven. And, as Clara began to walk away, she almost believed him.

"Hang on," she said. He paused on his way back toward the console and turned around, looking flustered. "This is nothing to do with the TARDIS, you just don't want anyone meeting your wife!"

"WIFE?!" shouted Nine and Ten at once. Eleven went red.

"You're not supposed to tell them who she is!" he objected, looking seriously offended.

"Why?" she asked. For a moment, he struggled to find any words, before settling for just one.

"Spoilers!" he said.

"Sorry, just say that again, but I have a wife?!" said Nine, coming over to talk to Clara too.

"Yes, she's an archaeologist who was conceived in the TARDIS and is also a psychopath raised to kill you, a marriage made in heaven," said Clara.

"You married a psychopath?!" demanded Nine of Eleven.

"There were a lot of other factors that-"

"Yes he did," butted in Clara.

"Fantastic, are both my future selves idiots? First one of you lets a human become part of an impossible biological metacrisis and now the other one married a crazy who's also an archaeologist!" exclaimed Nine. Arguments flared up between the trio and Clara took that as her cue to maybe go make a cup of tea, so she slowly started to back out of the room.

In the corridor she walked straight into Jack as soon as she turned around. He grabbed her shoulders to steady her.

"Whoa, hey, slow down there, what's the rush?" he asked.

"I'm not allowed in the console room anymore," she said.

"Am I?"

"Nope," she said.

"Interesting, just the two of us..."

"Actually, everyone's banned."

"Everyone? That's a lot of bodies."

"Stop it!" shouted Nine angrily, he could clearly hear their conversation. Jack sighed.

"Why are we banned?"

"Because the Eleventh Doctor doesn't want anyone to meet his wife," said Clara, "and he's convinced she's going to show up in there."

"That sounds like you have other ideas," said Jack.

"Maybe I do," said Clara.

"Can I help with any of them?"

"Only if you conveniently have another TARDIS monitor."

"Maybe I do."

"Or a way to distract all three Doctors."

"Maybe I do."

"But do you though? Because that's not really an answer," she said after confusing herself.

"I can think of a few distracting things, but I'm sure our friends can think of a few more," he said, "I'll go make the rest of the companions tea."

"Do you know how they all like it?" she asked as he walked past her to the kitchen.

"I've made it so they better damn like it, now go wake 'em all up!" he shouted, she could hear the wide grin in his voice and laughed to herself as she meandered back to the two dormatiries. She wondered how many beds there would be after everyone showed up.

"Ro-ose! Martha-a! It's time to get u-up!" Clara said as she entered the room in the same sing-song voice she used whenever she had to wake up Angie and Artie for school. She wished there were curtains inside the room she could open to annoy them, but she had to settle for flicking on the light switch.

"What's going on? Who's singing?" groaned Rose as Clara paced up and down the space in between their beds humming "Hungry Like the Wolf" quietly. Ever since their trip straight into the Cold War the song kept getting itself stuck in Clara's head.

"Me! Now get up, there are things to do this morning," said Clara.

"Things like what?" asked Martha.

"Somebody has to wake Mickey up and I'm not doing that," said Clara. "That's the job of the wife or the ex, definitely not someone who's only known him for a few hours."

"How would you know?" grumbled Martha.

"I've been married before... I think," she said, trying to call on her past lives to help her. She sometimes wished she could talk to them the way the Doctor was now talking to his other selves, but as they had never travelled in the TARDIS she doubted that. "Actually, no, I haven't. But you're still waking him up."

"Why can't Jack wake him up?"

"Jack's making tea."

"What about the Doctor?" said Rose.

"Which one?"

"Any!"

"All busy."

"So why did you... Nevermind," said Martha. "What are they doing?"

"Arguing, mostly. The Eleventh has banned you all from the TARDIS by the way," said Clara, sitting down on her bed as the other two sat up.

"Not you though..." muttered Martha.

"No, I'm banned too. We're all banned from the console room, because he doesn't want anybody to meet his wife," said Clara. "Were you trying to imply something just there?"

"Wife?!" spluttered Martha, who had missed yeterday's conversation about River with Jack and Rose.

"Implication?!" Clara copied her tone of voice exactly. However, Martha insisted Clara explain about River Song to her as well, but at least they were both up and about by the time she finished.

"I'll go wake Mickey up now. You'd better check on Jack, I don't trust him in a kitchen alone," said Martha, leaving the room to cross the hall an try and wake Mickey up.

Martha had been right not to trust Jack in a kitchen, they entered to see a whole lot of champagne bottles with an assortment of wine, vodka and whiskey on the table.

"What are you doing!?" demanded Rose.

"Setting up for a party!" said Jack happily.

"Whose party? Why are we having a party? What is there to celebrate?" asked Clara.

"The Doctor never had a stag night!" said Jack.

"No! You're not having a bachelor party in here!" shouted Rose, "Get rid of it all!"

"No way. It's a waste to throw it out," said Jack.

"Doctor!" called Rose, leaving after a few more rounds in her argument with Jack and seeing he wasn't going to do anything to get rid of the alcohol or let anyone else. Clara followed her - any chance to get on the Doctor's nerves she'd take on principal.

"Doctor!" Rose shouted directly at the Tenth Doctor.

"Clara! I thought I told you to stay out!" Eleven said, barging past Rose to try and scoot Clara out of the room.

"Charming, I'm just ignored am I?" Rose asked. "It's not like there's something important happening you have to stop."

"Doctor, there's something important happening you have to stop," said Clara to Eleven.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you say?"

"Rose said," said Clara, nodding at Rose who wasn't taking kindly to being completely ignored.

"Rose? Where?" he asked, turning around and spotting her, "Oh! Rose! When did you get here?"

"I was here before she was!" Rose said angrily. Clara mouthed 'sorry' to her from behind Eleven.

"Right. Clara, what's happening?" he turned back to Clara.

"Rose will explain," said Clara, pushing him to face the other way.

"Nope, you're clearly his favourite," said Rose, folding her arms and making a point to look the other way.

"So what if I am his favourite?!" Clara argued, getting annoyed.

"I don't have favourites!" said Eleven.

"Really? Coulda fooled me," said Rose sarcastically.

"What's that supposed to mean?" said Eleven.

"It means-"

"Nothing, it doesn't mean anything!" interrupted Clara. "Now explain!"

"You explain!"

"No, you!"

"Alright! Will you both just be quiet and one of you tell me what's happening?!" Eleven shouted over them.

"No!" they both answered.

"Doctor, Jack's trying to throw you a stag party in the kitchen!" Martha called into the console room on her way into the kitchen.

"Thank you, somebody with some- WHAT?!" Eleven practically roared the last word and pushed past Clara, Nine and Ten on his heels at the news of Jack's party, leaving the console room empty and the monitor completely free for Clara to alter.

She pulled the keyboard up as soon as the shouting match started.

"What are you doing?" asked Rose.

"Taking an opportunity," said Clara. "So it's nine o'clock now, how about ten past nine?"

"What at ten past nine?" asked Rose, looking at the screen despite the fact the TARDIS wasn't translating fast enough (alledgedly) for her to read it.

"When should I make the Doctor's wife show up? And what about his other companions, I can make them arrive earlier than eleven tonight as well," said Clara.

"His other companions?"

"Amy and Rory Pond, they're married," explained Clara. "They're nice, although we were in the Dalek Asylum last time we met..."

"Twelve o'clock, in time for lunch," said Rose.

"Done and now the changes are also hidden from the Doctors," said Clara. There were some approaching voices and footsteps from out side. "Just in time, too." She and Rose darted out of the room before the Doctors saw them. They waited around the corner for them to pass before going back into the alcohol-free kitchen.

"Did my distraction work?" asked Jack, who was standing by the stove and actually frying some proper food.

"Oh! That was a distraction?" asked Clara.

"Are you telling me you didn't take advantage and go mess with their computer just now?" he asked, annoyed.

"Oh no, I did that. River's arriving in here in... seven minutes," said Clara. "And Amy and Rory are here in about three hours. And it's deadlocked so they can't change it."

"Seven minutes? How am I supposed to make myself look presentable in such a short amount of time? Do you know how long it takes me to choose an outfit?"

"Longer than the Satalite 5 robots have patience for," commented Rose. "They must have got sick of seeing you defabricated."

"Defabricated? What does that mean?" asked Mickey.

"Wanna see?" asked Jack, waggling his eyebrows.

"No he doesn't, Jack," said Martha, who'd clearly guessed what defabricated meant.

"You were much more fun than this the last time we met," said Jack.

"I wasn't married the last time we met," said Martha, which sparked lots of 'oooh's from the others in the group, including Jack himself who wolf-whistled. Mickey was the only one who looked offended or upset. "Sorry," Martha said to him.

"I'm all for you with no head and legs stitched to your chest," said Rose, laughing to herself.

"What's Satalite 5?" asked Clara. "You keep mentioning it."

"Yeah, what is it?" added Martha.

"It's TV station in the year 200000, all the news was broadcast from there," Jack began.

"When we went, with that guy Adam I was talking about and the Ninth Doctor, the people who worked there had these things in their heads - doors into their brains and they absorbed information. Anyway, all this heat was being pumped down and the Doctor wanted to know what it was, so we went to floor 500 and there was this... jag... jager..."

"Jagrafess," said Jack. Rose clicked her fingers and pointed to him.

"Jagrafess, that's it. This woman called Cathica rerouted the heat to the top and it exploded! The Doctor thought he'd fixed the 'Fourth Great and Bountiful Human Empire', but he'd made it worse..."

"100 years of darkness, that's what she called it," said Jack.

"She?" asked Clara.

"Lynda with a Y. Not Linda with an I, she was kicked off the show for vandalising property," said Jack, laughing a little sadly to himself, "Good old Lynda with a Y..."

"What happened to her, by the way? The Doctor never said," asked Rose. Jack's expression changed to a saddened one.

"She died. Daleks. They got in through the window, diverted for her, then they went down and killed all the civilians. Massacre," said Jack. "Nobody survived."

"What about you, me and the Doctor?" asked Rose.

"Rose, I died. You were sent back in time, back home. If you hadn't come back the Doctor would have died too," said Jack.

"You died?" Rose asked.

"Yeah, don't you remember? You and your time vortex trick brought me back forever," he said. There was an air of silence and mourning over the group now.

"I was on Satalite 5," said Clara. "I was on that bottom floor when they arrived. There was this guy, Rodrick-"

"He tried to kill me," said Rose, "made me lose the Weakest Link."

"How does losing the Weakest Link kill you?" asked Martha, confused.

"Trust me, you do not wanna be in the same room as the Ann-Droid," said Rose. But that was the moment they were all interrupted again, by a bright blue light beam. But it was different this time, instead of beaming the atoms of someone it was beaming pixels. The TARDIS had taken River right out of the Library.


	6. River's Replacement

**AN: I apologise in advance for my lack of originality when it comes to speaking verbs, and please excuse overuse of words like "shouted", "yelled", "said", "whispered" and "hissed" especially. Love you guys for all the great feedback though! I'll keep writing, it isn't going to end any time soon :)**

_River's Replacement_

"River!" said Clara. "Jack, shut that door or they'll hear her!" Jack did a completely unnescessary dive across the floor and roll before hitting the button.

"Clara? What's going on, where am I?" asked River.

"You're on the TARDIS," said Clara, "in the kitchen. You were supposed to be in the console room but I thought you should come here first."

"How have you managed to bring me here?"

"I didn't, the TARDIS did," said Clara. "I just moved the teleport thing."

"Telrealiport," corrected Jack, the font of all time-space related knowledge currently in their kitchen.

"It's a long story. This is Rose Tyler, Martha Jones, Mickey Smith and Captain Jack Harkness," introduced Clara.

"Don't we get to introduce ourselves? Hello..." said Jack.

"Stop it," said Mickey. Everyone looked at him. "Well the Doctor wasn't gonna say it, was he?"

"I haven't been able to introduce myself once, so no, you don't," said Clara. "Also, your parents are arriving in a few hours."

"Can any of you tell me what's going on?" asked River. They all started to talk at once until the door slid open behind them and all seven companions turned.

"Clara, what have you done to the TARDIS? She keeps making funny noises, I told you she was vulnerable and you weren't to go near her!" whined Eleven.

"Were those noises funny-wunny?" teased Clara.

"Well yes, they were actually - oi! Are you making fun of me again?" he asked.

"Little bit," said Clara. Then River cleared her throat and Eleven spun around. Finally he notcied his wife, who was looking confused in the corner.

"Sweetie, is anyone going to tell me what's going on?" she asked.

"Possibly..?" he suggested in a nervous voice. But at that point the Ninth and Tenth Doctors both appeared in the doorway behind him, looking thoroughly annoyed.

"I'm Rose Tyler, I'm the Doctor's wife," said Rose, standing up to walk over to River, despite the inability to shake her hand.

"And I'm Martha Jones, I'm also the Doctor's wife. This is the Twelfth Doctor," she said, sidling over to Mickey and pointing at him.

"Yeah that's me, Twelfth Doctor."

"And I'm the Thirteenth Doctor, here with my own wife," said Jack, putting his arm around Clara, who felt uncomfortable about the whole thing but was also loving the confusion on the faces of the real three Doctors and River Song.

"Clara, don't you already have a husband on Earth?" asked River. "I've met him."

"Husband? Me? I mean... Yes. Yes I do have a husband. On Earth."

"And children?"

"Yes, lots of children," said Clara, not too sure why she was lying.

"How are all seven of them doing?"

"S-seven?!" she stammered, "They're fine. The youngest is just starting nurs-"

"High school," said River.

"Clara! You never told me you had seven kids by the time you were thirteen and you're married!" exclaimed the Eleventh Doctor.

"Oh, I see what you've done!" said Clara to River angrily. "Turning him against - what are you doing?" she demanded of Eleven, hearing the whirring of the screwdriver in her ear.

"Scanning you to see how you're body's coped with seven children!" he said like an awestruck child. She hit the screwdriver away, wondering how River Song had even managed to get her to lie completely and for no reason.

"Don't do that! I haven't had seven children Doctor!"

"Really? Because the sonic says... umm..."

"WHAT exactly does the sonic say?" she hissed at him through gritted teeth, trying to snatch the screwdriver from him and ignoring the sniggers from the rest of the group.

"The sonic says you're perfectly healthy and completely normal for a mother of seven," he said guiltily, looking slightly scared of Clara.

"But I'm not a mother of - forget it. Doesn't matter, there are more important things than your broken screwdriver," she emphasised the word 'broken', which upset him a little.

A whole hour passed of Clara sitting in angry silence while the others explained to River Song what had happened and how they were all stuck in the TARDIS and the Master was probably going to appear to try and kill them all. She ignored the Eleventh Doctor as he repeatedly tried to apologise, claiming the screwdriver "wasn't too fond of her", to which she had replied "What do your appliances have against me?" and then he had just shrugged and mumbled something about 'echoes' and 'impossible'. After River was caught up on what was happening she found herself bombarded by questions about her relationship with Eleven, and a few about the wedding ceremony, which she lied about. She claimed it had been a big, fancy white wedding held in the 34th century with a huge cake on a big spaceship with a window floor. Clara didn't bother to say the truth - Amy would take care of that later.

"Right. Well, this was fun but I have a metacrisis to take care of," said Ten eventually, getting sick of hearing about his imaginary future wedding. Clara was a little sick of hearing about it too. Nine had already left long ago to go tamper with something, but all the companions seemed fascinated by the Doctor's wife, the only one of them who'd seemingly successfully won his affections, the way they made it sound was like every single one of his companions had ended up falling in love with him. Clara could have sworn Martha was looking for advice.

"Who was the best man if I wasn't around?" asked Jack.

"I'm not sure he had a best man," said River, "did you, Doctor?"

"Rory was there," said Eleven. That much was true, Rory had been there, along with Amy.

"The father of the bride can't be the best man too," said River.

"Why? Where does it say that? There isn't a law," he said.

"We should have another wedding for you," said Jack.

"No! I'm not getting married again!" said Eleven, "at least not with this face."

"Wear a mask," he suggested.

"No, shut up! There are better ways for me to spend my time now anyway, like trying to help the other Doctors find a way to reverse the metacrisis, which is actually a more life and death matter than my second wedding," said Eleven, getting up from his place at the table to go back to the console room, grumbling.

"Whadda you think about this second wedding, professor?" asked Jack.

"I think... it's a terrible idea. The last time he saw me was supposed to be the last time, then I get replaced," said River.

"Replaced?" asked Clara, breaking her silence, "replaced by who?" River said nothing, but all heads turned in her direction as she took another sip of the tea that was in her hands which was also steadily going cold. "What's everyone looking at me for?" Still silence. "No, seriously, what is it?" Nobody was speaking. "You're kinda freaking me out a bit now," she said when they started laughing to themselves. "Well then, if I'm not in on the joke I think I'll just leave..." she got up and walked backwards out of the room, managing not to bump into the doorframe. She heard them all burst out laughing behind her, but didn't stop to hear what was so hilarious.

"...if only the duplicate was here we could test it..." she heard Ten saying to himself.

"Duplicate?" asked Nine.

"Oh, sorry, did I forget to mention it was a two-way biological metacrisis that meant my severed hand grew and turned into a part human clone of me that now lives with Rose on a parallel world?" said Ten at a ridiculously high speed.

"Yes, you did," said Nine moodily. "Idiots, the pair of you. And I'm stuck here with you clearing up your messes. And look, now you're little girlfriend's here," he pointed to Clara, causing Ten to glance up but glance back down at the new device he was tinkering with (clearly he'd thought Nine meant Rose or Martha) and Eleven to do a dramatic pirouette to face her, meaning he stumbled.

"I'm not his girlfriend!" she shouted angrily. "And I'm not little either!" Nine laughed loudly and a coldly to himself, then turned to face the other way.

"You are a bit," said Eleven. She rounded on him.

"A bit what? A bit little or a bit your girlfriend?"

"I - Neither! Of course," he said, flustered. "Why have you come in here?" he tried to put on a serious and less-embarassed face.

"Because in there I'm the butt of some joke about River being replaced as..." she trailed of, a tiny bit enraged, as she finally got the joke. "Replaced as your wife," she finished.

"How stupid are you?" said Nine. "You only just figured out you were the punchline?"

"You're not very nice sometimes, you know that?" said Eleven, turning to him and telling him off like a child.

"Yep," said Nine, putting on a huge fake smile, before going back to whatever he was doing. "Tell you what, if you're really annoyed why don't you do something about it?"

"Something like what?" she asked.

"Yes, like what?" Eleven copied, clearly suspicious of his past self and whatever he was trying to suggest.

"You know, practical jokes aren't pulled quite as often as they should be aboard the TARDIS," said Ten.

"Practical jokes like what?"

"Yes, jokes like what?"

"Doctor, stop copying me," Clara told him.

"I wasn't copying you," he said. She merely rolled her eyes and carried on down her line of questioning.

"Did you know, on a completely unrelated note, the TARDIS has a weather simulation system?" said Ten, pretending to be slightly vacant and disconnected. "Once I made it snow in here. Completely harmless, of course. TARDIS won't let any water into her systems, but very funny."

"That information was very interesting, useful and irrelevant," she said, slowly approaching the monitor Ten had 'accidentally' pushed in her direction.

"Yep, that's me. Interesting, useful, but irrelevant. Oh, and pretty too, according to your wife," he said to Eleven, addressing his visit to the Library. Eleven paid no notice of this, however, and simply went to look over Clara's shoulder as she fiddled with the settings.

"First deadlock the door," she said, "And how about a temperature drop?" she pulled a lever on the TARDIS next to her.

"How do you know how to work the TARDIS? That's not hacking, that's knowledge," asked Eleven, "I only tried to teach you once and it didn't end up very well..." he recalled the time the TARDIS had been sucked aboard a scavenger ship.

"Don't you remember?" she asked. He shrugged, "I was a Time Lady once."

"What?" asked Ten and Nine in serious voices.

"Oh yes! You told me which TARDIS to take!" said Eleven, hitting his head with his screwdriver, an action he often took to illustrate his own stupidity. "Sorry, it's all very complicated," he addressed Nine and Ten. "Don't worry about it."

"Almost forgot, put a camera in that room," she instructed the TARDIS (though she was curious as to why it was listening to her). An image crackled into view on the screen. It looked like the group were laughing. Eleven, who was just as curious as Clara, pushed some buttons and turned a dial to raise the volume.

"You know what, I've done enough work on the hat for now," said Ten, "think I'll come have a look over there." He wandered over with his hands in his pockets and replaced his 3D glasses with his other, more normal ones. The companions were grilling River again, but this time about –

"Trenzalore," said Eleven, glowering.


	7. Technically, It Isn't Cheating

_Technically, It Isn't Cheating_

"Why would she tell them about Trenzalore?"

"What's Trenzalore?" asked Nine from across the room.

"It's where our grave is," said Eleven.

"You went to our grave?!" hissed Ten, his mood changing completely so he was now seething.

"I didn't have a choice, my friends were in danger! Anyway, Clara, I don't think they should be talking about Trenzalore."

"No they shouldn't," she flicked two switches and pulled a lever a little, "let's make it windy." A breeze began in the kitchen, but it was gentle enough that it only ruffled clothes and hair a little.

"It's a bit chilly in here," said Rose.

"Just a bit?" said Clara, pushing the temperature lever further and further until it was set to -10 degrees, making the group start to shiver. She upped the wind again. And then kept upping it until the Eleventh Doctor pushed her hand away from that lever. The tea in the kitchen was frozen.

"What's going on!?" Martha shouted over the wind.

"I don't know maybe the TARDIS is malfunctioning!?" Jack suggested. "My vortex manipulator has om-comm built in - got it in 200104, thought it might come in useful - I'll try and patch through to the console room!"

"I'll take care of this," said Ten, dragging a comm device out of the console somewhere. It resembled a small walkie-talkie, but with no ariel and attached to the panel with a wire.

"Doctor?! Doctor, can you hear me?!" came Jack's voice crackling through the system. Ten waited before answering in a surprised voice.

"Jack? How are you talking through the comm system without a proper link up? Actually, never mind that, _why_ are you talking through the comm system without a proper link up?" he asked.

"Om-comm, remember?"

"Oh yeah, like the child..." said Ten in a strangely nostalgic voice, "but why!?"

"We have a little bit of a situation in the kitchen, it's windy and cold!" Jack said.

"Windy and cold?! You survived a javelin through your chest and your complaining because the air conditioning's a bit knackered?" said Ten.

"If you could see it in here you wouldn't be saying that!" Jack said. Ten glanced at the monitor to see them all still sat at the table and gripping in tightly.

"Hang on, have you tried leaving the room?" asked Ten.

"Err, just a second," said Jack, getting up and fighting at the crazily strong wind to get to the door.

"Open the door," said Ten exasperatedly.

"Doctor, the door won't open!" said Jack. Jack scanned it. "It's triple deadlocked!"

"Triple deadlocked?! Are you sure? The TARDIS can't just accidentally triple deadlock something."

"Well maybe it thought your future self's girlfriend was in here and wanted to mess with her!" Jack shouted. Clara and Eleven both gasped with offence.

"Right, that's it, don't you think it looks a little dry in that room?" asked Eleven, walking to another part of the console and flicking a lot of switches and punching some numbers into a device that looked like a futuristic calculator.

"That wasn't very nice, Jack!" scathed Ten.

"Clara!" whispered Eleven. Clara looked round from Ten to see Eleven pointing at the monitor so she looked at that too, to see a torrential downpour had just started in the kitchen, and moments later the temperature had turned it to hail.

"Doctor, get us out of here!" Jack yelled into his om-comm, "It's like a hurricane!"

"But you just said it was cold, doesn't it have to be hot to be a hurricane? Tropical?" said Ten, walking past Clara to push the temperature all the way up to 45 degrees.

It went up slowly, there was even some snow for a brief few minutes, but then it kept rising and rising and Clara and the Doctors could see them deteriorating (except for River, as she was a hologram). Then she noticed what time it was, 11:59. She had less than a minute before the Ponds arrived and if she didn't do something about it soon they were going to be thrown straight into a tropical storm.

"Clara? What's wrong?" asked Eleven, seeing he stressing slightly when she had to override control of the weather simulation and unlock the triple deadlock on the telrealiport.

"Nothing, I'm trying to save the Ponds before they get here in - twelve seconds!" she said, panicking slightly. But, she overrode the deadlocks in time and Amy and Rory were beamed in front of the door just as Clara brought the feed from the kitchen back up.

"Ponds!" cried Eleven gleefully, and he pulled them both into a tight hug. Or he was going to before he remembered he couldn't.

"Doctor? Why are we on the TARDIS?" asked Rory. "And who are all these people?"

"Jack, you alright in there?" Ten asked Jack, interrupting Eleven as he struggled to begin to explain.

"NO WE'RE NOT AL-"

"Gotta go, new arrivals, I'll try and see if there's something wrong with the heating but I'm making no promises," said Ten and then he shut off the comm link, but they could still hear Jack's frantic shouting over the monitor, until Ten flicked a switch and it was muted. "Hello, you must be Amy and Rory, I'm the Doctor!"

"But he's the Doctor," said Amy, pointing to Eleven who was grinning like a child.

"No, I'm the Doctor," said Ten.

"You're both wrong, I'm the Doctor," said Nine.

"Okay, will someone tell me what's going on?" asked Rory.

"Well there's a hurricane in the kitchen," said Ten, pointing over his shoulder. "And your daughter. Is she their daughter?" Ten asked Clara, who nodded, lowering the wind to 0 so the humidity would start to drive them mad soon. "She's there too."

"Our daughter?"

"Yes," Ten answered Amy.

"Who's that over there?" Amy pointed at Clara.

"Clara Oswin Oswald," said all three Doctors, cutting over Clara, who decided to give up and never introduce herself again.

"Oswin Oswald?" asked Amy and Rory together.

"Yes, and you're Nina," Clara said to Rory.

"Aren't you dead? Didn't you die in the Dalek Asylum? Weren't you a Dalek?" asked Amy.

"Dalek?" Ten said, "Time Lady? I think it's time you explained to us who you are, Clara Oswin Oswald."

By the time Clara, assissted by the Eleventh Doctor in places, had explained fully to Amy, Rory, Nine and Ten about Trenzalore, the time stream, the Dalek Asylum and Victorian London they'd completely forgotten about the humid torture the other companions were enduring, until Jack broke through the om-comm again.

"Doctor, it's really hot in here..." gasped Jack. Ten lunged for the comm link.

"Sorry, Jack, we've been trying to break through the deadlocks. In fact, we're just about to break them now," he said, pointing for Clara to go fix the weather and unlock the door. She shut off the weather and set the climate on its way back to normal, before taking the communicator from Ten.

"Sorry but we can't get past the last deadlock unless the TARDIS hears some key words," she said into it.

"You say them!" Rose shouted to Jack.

"Rose says you say them," Jack relayed through the om-comm.

"I can't say them, the... um..." she looked around for help.

"The TARDIS isn't listening," said Eleven into the comm. "Someone from inside the kitchen who isn't Clara has to do it."

"That's how it is now, your girlfriend's better than us?" shouted Martha.

"Martha says-" Jack began.

"Yes, I know what Martha says. I can hear her. And you can tell her if she doesn't listen to me I'll turn the temperature back up," she said.

"That was you?!" everyone in the room shouted at once.

"No..." she said, biting her lip, "but I could turn it back up, unless you say 'We're all very sorry Clara for making fun of your IMAGINARY relationship with the Eleventh Doctor'," she said.

"Yes, they are some very good words you should all definitely say," said Eleven.

"You must both be pretty close together to both be talking into the comm unit," shouted Mickey.

"No need to shout!" said Clara and Eleven at the same time. The stranded group all laughed together then. "Fine! You can all stay in there! And I'll stop the food supplies."

"The TARDIS won't let you stop the food supplies," Nine called. He was now leaning on a railing and looking highly amused and Clara and Eleven's frantic yet fruitless attempts to convince the 'prisoners' they weren't actually a couple.

"Well then I'll lower the temperature so much it freezes," she said.

"She won't let you do that, either," said Nine.

"Is there anything it will let me do?" Clara asked, taking her finger off the button making the console room audiable. Nine shrugged. "No, I have an idea." And she flicked some more buttons and lowered the temperature and turned the rain back on. "Snow!"

"Snow? They're going to keep saying things if you make it snow! That's not a punishment!" said Eleven.

"Doctor, they can still hear you," said Clara.

"Too right we can still hear you!" said Mickey.

"Whatever! Have fun in the snow," said Clara, taking her thumb away.

"We'll build a great big snowman!" called Rose. Eleven snatched the talkie straight out of Clara's hands.

"NO! No snowmen! Snowmen are banned!" said Eleven. Clara leaned sideways to speak into it.

"River, your parents are up here," she said. Rather than give her the comm Eleven simply held it awkwardly right in front of her. "Since the snow won't bother you do you want me to teleport you here?"

"Here's a suggestion, just open the door," said Jack.

"Say sorry," ordered Clara. "And mean it and promise you'll all stop. Even when I'm not there."

"How will you know if you're not there?" asked Martha.

"I triple deadlocked that door and made it snow inside and fixed the telrealiport, I'm sure I'll figure something out," she said. "River, parents, leaving?"

"But we were all having such a nice conversation, I'd love to stay and chat for longer," said River.

"Oh, what's that Amy?" said Clara.

"I didn't say any-"

"Shh!" said Eleven, putting a finger to his lips.

"Sorry, River, your mother says you have to come up here right now. It's important. Something to do with...?" she said, trailing off when she couldn't think of anything.

"Her husband! Say I don't like her husband!" whispered Amy.

"Oi!" said Eleven.

"She says she doesn't like your husband. It's very urgent, I'll just bring you here now," said Clara, tapping away at the keys on the monitor's keyboard. A blue light engulfed River, who was looking annoyed but mildly amused at the same time, and then she was gone before reappearing momentarily in the console room near Amy and Rory.

"She was one who started it!" Rose shouted into the kitchen, "why does she get out and we're stuck here?!"

"Yeah, she was the one telling us all about your wedding," said Martha.

"I-" began River, but they had now put Clara in a bad mood.

"Shush or I'll mute you," she threatened River while turning up the wind again, "Okay, firstly, I'm not gonna marry the Doctor, secondly, why would she be invited anyway and thirdly what happened at this wedding?"

"Don't ask them that, you're encouraging them!" said Eleven.

"Oi, you, are you cheating on my daughter?" asked Amy angrily. Well, she was pretending to be angry, not that Eleven could tell.

"Technically it's not cheating because she's... passed," said Eleven, looking rather guilty after finishing his sentence.

"What's not cheating?" asked Amy suspiciously.

"Doctor, you're not helping our case by telling people we're together when WE ARE NOT TOGETHER!" she shouted the last four words into the comm.

"I didn't say we were together!" he said.

"Yes, you did!" said ten voices, all synchronised. "Nevermind, but you are all cut off until you promise to behave, else I'll... I'll..."

"Exterminate them," whispered Eleven as a suggestion.

"Yes, extermi - what?!" she turned to him. He shrugged sheepishly.

"Well, it seemed like a logical suggestion, after all, you were a Dalek once," he said. Collective gasps. Clara turned off the kitchen camera and the comm device.

"I left that bit out, I didn't think they'd like sharing their... house... with a Dalek!" she shouted at him, though she struggled to find an accurate word for the TARDIS.

"You were a nice Dalek though," said Rory.

"Tell them that!"

"Speaking of them," started Amy, "Doctor, who are they?"

"Right!" said Eleven, clapping his hands together and preparing for a long explanation.


	8. True Or False: The Daleks Are Invading?

_True or False: The Daleks are Invading_

"This is my Ninth incarnation, this is my Tenth incarnation, that's Clara - you've met her - that's River Song - of course you've met her she's your daughter - and in the kitchen we've got-" Eleven and the Ponds came over to the monitor and Eleven hit some buttons to make the security feed pop back up, "Captain Jack Harkness - Rory, don't let him say hello to your wife - that's Rose Tyler, there's Martha Jones and finally Mickey the Idiot! Or, Mickey Smith if you want to be boring."

"Why are we on the TARDIS?" asked Rory.

"That's something we don't know," said Ten, "she's absorbing three times the power and dragging everyone who's travelled in the her for 300 years here. Speaking of which, Clara, what time does Donna get here?"

"Right now she's still set for 11:24AM, tomorrow. I can change it if you want?" she answered.

"Hmm..." he ruffled his hair as he thought, "might have to tomorrow. We'll see..."

"Who's Donna?" asked Amy.

"Donna Noble," said River, "I've met her, she was in the Library. She's part of a Human-Time Lord biological metacrisis."

"What's that mean, she's half Time Lord?" wondered Rory. River nodded. "Seriously, you can do that?" he turned to Eleven, "Make people Time Lords?"

"No, no I can't," said Eleven, "she couldn't survive, I had to wipe her memory."

"If she remembers me, or the TARDIS, or any of this then she burns," said Ten, his eyes glistening. "So we have to fix it so she doesn't burn. And then we have to fight off the Master."

"Who's the Master?" Amy asked.

"Another Time Lord. He's dead now," said Ten.

"Then how can he come back if he's dead?"

"I'm dead, the TARDIS brings you here from your last point of existence. Unless, of course, you're still partly alive," he glanced to River.

"Can't genius over there fix it?" Amy pointed at Clara.

"I'm not a genius," she said, "that was Oswin."

"How were you controlling the TARDIS then?" asked Rory.

"I got upgraded," she said.

"You didn't want to see her computer skills before the upgrade. She thought only one person could use the internet at a time. Called me in 1207 somehow to fix the wi-fi, it's not even a real phone," said Eleven. "But that's nothing to do with Oswin, that was the Great Intelligence harvesting minds. Did we already explain this?" he turned to Clara.

"Not this bit," she said.

"Anyway, onto the metacrisis again," said Nine, bringing them all back from the distraction.

"Doctor, I have an idea," said River.

"Brilliant, I'd love to hear it," said Eleven.

"If the TARDIS is everywhere in time and space at once, does that mean she's broken the time lock?" asked River.

"What?" asked Nine, Ten and Eleven seriously.

"If the Time Lords are still alive somewhere then their information about metacrises might be available and hackable," said River.

"That's reckless and stupid and irresponsible!" criticised Ten.

"Ponds! Tell your daughter behave and stop making idiotic-"

"She's right," said Clara, "there are thousands of Time Lord records and experiments."

"Did you just hack into Gallifrey's database!?" shouted Nine angrily.

"Technically, no. They let the Snogbox connect anyway once I found the coordinates. They recognised it as Time Lord," she said. She was reading something about the victims of the metacrisis when the Eleventh Doctor pulled the monitor away. "Hey, I was reading that!"

"And now we're reading it, and you're not allowed because this information is very real and it could be very dangerous in the wrong hands - i.e. your hands," said Nine, he and Ten crowding around to keep the monitor from view. Clara pouted, now she had nothing to do, except talk with the Ponds, or try and convince the other companions she wasn't a Dalek.

"Doctor, you're just gonna let a Dalek starve us?" Jack's unwelcome voice crackled through the om-comm. None of the Doctor's answered. "Doctor? Doctors, are you all alright?" Still, Jack was ignored. There was a few minutes of silence from him before he next spoke. "Doctor have you been exterminated?" there were laughs in the background of the comm.

"How are you supposed to get through to these people?" she asked the room at large, hoping for an answer. "We put them in a hurricane, and still..." she idly pushed a few buttons and flicked some toggle switches (which the Doctor had installed after their trip to 1974) to disable Jack's vortex manipulator to stop it being able to scan the door for deadlocks while she also unlocked the door - not that they could tell.

"Doctor, something's messing with my vortex manipulator," said Jack.

"Fantastic, someone's trying to hack into the TARDIS now - and they're doing pretty poorly," said Nine.

"Doctor, are you there?" shouted Jack into his wrist. Clara walked around to the other side of the console where there was a second keyboard.

"If they want Dalek they can have Dalek," she muttered to herself, getting into the TARDIS and using all the Dalek-type coding she remembered from Oswin's life to fight against Jack's efforts against her.

"Doctor, I know these codes! They're Dalek codes!" Jack shouted, getting worried. "What's happening out there?!"

"Dalek codes?!" said Ten, confused, "why are you fighting him with Dalek codes? Are you trying to trick him into thinking we've been invaded?"

"Maybe..." said Clara.

"Well don't. Jack?" Ten spoke into the om-comm, "You know the door's open?"

"What? No my scanner would've picked it up," said Jack.

"There aren't any Daleks and the door's fine," said Ten. "We deadlocked it from here to teach you a lesson but it doesn't look like you've learnt it. Now, I'm gonna hand this over to Clara and she's gonna tell you all what it's like being a Dalek." Ten held the comm out to Clara.

"No," she said.

"Just tell them," he asked kindly, but it didn't matter how kindly he asked.

"I won't relive it. Not again. It's too painful," she said.

"You see Jack? She's not a Dalek," said Ten.

"She wasn't a Dalek anyway, not in her head," said Eleven resentfully.

"Now, if you'd been acting like civil people this morning and had all been kind to eachother and not made cruel jokes you wouldn't have had to deal with a catergory 5 hurricane for two hours, is that clear? Don't leave the kitchen yet I'm not finished with you lot!" Ten ordered as he heard the door opening. "Stay put. I think you do owe Clara an apology."

"She should apologise to us!" Rose shouted into the comm, "We're freezing to death!"

"Don't start arguing just apologise, all of you!" Ten shouted as Clara started to argue back.

"Fine we're sorry, okay? Take a joke..." said Jack.

"Locking us up in here just makes us think you have something to hide!" shouted Martha.

"That doesn't sound like a sorry! You all say sorry, and now Clara is banned from the computer!"

"Hey that's not - ow!" the TARDIS shocked her fingers with electricity where they were resting on the keyboard. She pouted at her punishment, but she did sort-of deserve it.

"I'm sure readers were getting sick of you hacking everything anyway, it's a little dull," said River. Clara frowned and Eleven hissed "Fourth wall, River! It still exists!"

"Sorry," issued through the comm from Martha, Rose and Mickey.

"I'm sorry too," said Clara begrudingly.

"And I'm sorry because I'm the one who lied about the deadlocks and turned the temperature up to 45 degrees," said Ten.

"And I am also sorry for making it rain a lot," apologised Eleven.

"I'll make a soufflé to celebrate! And for something to do now I'm banned from the computer," she said, annoyed.

"No!" shouted Eleven loudly, causing everyone too look round. "Don't make a soufflé!"

"...Why?" asked Clara.

"Because... Because..." he struggled.

"You don't like my soufflés, do you!?" she asked.

"Of course I like your soufflés, I just think maybe you shouldn't-"

"Do you like anyone's cooking?" asked Amy, "you never let me cook either."

"Well your cooking is a bit..." began Rory before carching his wife's eye. "A bit delicious!" she hit him anyway though. "Ow!"

"Come on, let's go make a soufflé then," said Amy, and then she and Clara (followed by Rory because he didn't really know where else he was supposed to go) left to go to the kitchen where it was still snowing.

"Doctor?" called Clara, coming back to the console room door, "could you turn the snow off?"

"Ah, yes, of course," he said, flicking some more switches until the white flakes stopped falling from the ceiling.


	9. Dance With Me, Impossible Girl

_Dance With Me_

A while later, the umpteenth burnt mess of a soufflé Clara had ever made emerged from the oven. Another failed attempt. She'd stopped keeping track a long time ago, but this happened to be the third she and Amy (Rory had sat out and refused to take part) had tried to bake that day.

"Shall we try again?" asked Clara.

"I don't think there's much point. We could still try and make them eat it," suggested Amy.

"No, don't do that, they could die," said Rory.

"You're so boring sometimes," said Amy.

"I'm sorry if I don't want to have to save any lives today," said Rory. "Do you spend all of your time baking soufflés? The Doctor called you Soufflé Girl, you know."

"Not all my time. On Earth I'm a nanny, I live with this family and look after the kids. It takes up a lot of time," she said. "I don't really have freetime."

"HA-HA!" someone shouted from the console room, a shout Clara recognised as Ten. "GENIUS!"

"Suppose we'd better go see what they've done now," said Amy. Clara sighed, but followed her out, already missing the fun of baking endless soufflés in the Snogbox.

"WE FIXED THE METACRISIS!" yelled Ten and Eleven together, though Nine was staying out of it, he didn't want to get involved with their dancing in circles. Ten dragged Rose from the side to dance around like a maniac too, hitting a button that started some upbeat 1930s jazz in the TARDIS. But then Eleven spun, and his eyes met Clara's, and for a moment she thought - dare she say hoped? - that he might ask her to dance. The question was across his face, his foot about to move forward when she, unnoticed by anyone except the pair of them, shook her head. He didn't look too swayed, maybe for a milisecond, the same time their wordless exchange had lasted. Following Ten's example and breaking the "Don't touch anyone else" rule, Eleven managed to find the Ponds and make them join him for a wild dance. Everyone was paired up now. Ten and Rose. Eleven, Amy and Rory. Mickey and Martha. Even Nine and Jack. River and Clara remained on the sidelines, River still but a hologram and Clara refusing her offer.

"Why don't you dance with him?" River said to her.

"Why would I? You're his wife," she said edgily.

"Not anymore. Not to him," said River sadly.

"That's his problem, nothing to do with me," she said.

"You're just embarassed," said River.

"Not yet," said Clara.

"You're worried what the others will say," assumed River.

"Yes, I am. And nothing on this TARDIS is going to make me dance with the Eleventh Doct-oooor!" she shrieked as she was wrenched from the side and up the stairs by Eleven just in time to catch the end of the upbeat number.

"Rose, it's our song!" Jack called through the console room to Rose when a slow waltz like number that was definitely by Glenn Miller and was definitely heard a lot in the Doctor's time stream started playing.

And before Clara knew it she was slow dancing in the TARDIS with the Doctor, with River looking on a smiling with only a little sadness, not that Eleven noticed.

"Dance with me, Impossible Girl," Eleven whispered so nobody around them heard.

"Of course, Chin Boy," she answered, allowing him to twirl her. They all danced and had quiet conversations with one another, but nobody was listening. After all, everyone dancing was a couple except for Nine and Jack. Wait, she thought, did she just call the Doctor and her a couple in her head? She stumbled.

"Oh, careful," he said, catching her and lifting her back up.

"Doctor," she whispered to him as quiet as she could. He leant down to be more on her level, "Are we a couple?"

"Where would you get that idea?" he asked, though he was smiling.

"I just thought it in my head - thought that we were a couple," she whispered back. "Like, by accident."

"They're a couple," he nodded to Ten and Rose, the latter of whom had her head resting on the formers shoulder as they swayed together.

"So?" she asked.

"Would you like to be a couple, Clara Oswin Oswald?" he asked. She laughed when he added the 'Oswin', it was the same way he always called Rory 'Rory Pond', and insisted on calling Amy 'Amelia'.

"I-" but she was cut off by a huge explosion. The waltz was replaced by fizzles and burns as Clara had to push Eleven back to his feet as he almost fell on her, but the TARDIS exploded again at the centre and she fell into his side.

"Doctor?! What's happening?!" shouted Rose, flying along with Martha into the railings by the side.

"Too much energy! She can't hold it all! The weather thing was using it up for a bit, but not forever!" shouted Nine, grabbing hold of the console that had now set on fire. "We've only got power for one more telrealiport!"

"Then what happens?!" asked Martha.

"TARDIS goes boom!"

"What about the metacrisis?!" shouted Ten, who couldn't see the monitor from where he was gripping the console.

"If we're fast we can still do it!" Nine answered when there was another explosion, grabbing the keyboard and frantically typing.

"They're all joined! The three TARDISs! There's just one now!" shouted Ten, who'd just scanned the TARDIS. "Let's bring Donna home!" Eleven ran over to join his other two selves in trying to get Donna through. The metacrisis hat fell from the ceiling with all the extra gizmos flashing and whirring and Clara, without her cushion of Eleven, was thrown sideways as the machine gave another huge lurch into the railing on the right. Then it flew the other way and all the companions were flung across the room again.

The blue of the telrealiport shone into the TARDIS and there was Donna Noble who appeared right under the helmet and fell to the floor to be caught by Jack when she fainted.

"What's wrong Doctor, why has she fainted?!" yelled Clara.

"The telrealiport's breaking down, the TARDIS doesn't have enough power to transport her conscious!" Eleven shouted, he, Nine, Ten and Jack all helping pull the helmet over Donna's head, and then Ten kicked the console and the electricity pulsing through the wires was visible and Donna, awake or not, started to scream.

Clara clamped one hand over her right ear, keeping her other hand firmly on the railing as the TARDIS crashed.

"SOMEONE FLY THE TARDIS!" yelled the Ninth Doctor. Jack, Rose and Clara all ran for the console and started hitting all the buttons they could.

"Where are we going?!" shouted Clara to anyone listening.

"I have an idea!" shouted Jack back, "I'll put in the coordinates!" Clara had no idea where they were flying to, only that they were flying somewhere and she was helping as much as she could. Donna's screams ended the moment the TARDIS more or less crashed somewhere, and then the Snogbox's lights all faded until there was only the tiniest blue glow from the central column, and all noise had stopped.

"We haven't crashed," said Jack, a note of happiness in his voice, "And my coordinates were spot on. Ladies and gentlemen," he pushed open the TARDIS doors to let light flood in, "welcome to Chicago, 1929!" he walked out, Mickey, Martha, Amy and Rory following him, but Rose and Clara remained with the Doctors, Donna and River.

"We're in a speakeasy," said Clara.

"Oh, great. Typical Jack, takes us into an illegal bar during prohibition, knowing him he's gonna end up shot..." said Eleven, scanning Donna with his his screwdriver, then he got up and hurried over to see if Clara was alright. "Sorry, got distracted, are you okay? No broken wrist?"

"Doctor, I'm fine - and why would I have a broken wrist?" she asked. Eleven glanced round and met River's eyes for a moment before looking back.

"No reason. You're definitely okay?" he said.

"Yes," she answered.

"Good," he kissed her forehead, "Don't wander off in 1929, especially in Chigago. Lots of gansters."

"Right..." she said.

"It's Valentine's Day," said Rose, looking at the screen.

"Sorry, what?" asked Ten, looking up.

"Valentine's Day. 1929. That's where we are," she said.

"No... No, no, no, no! Jack!" shouted Ten, running out of the TARDIS. "You lot! Mickey! Martha!.. Ponds! Back inside! Where's Jack!?" Martha shrugged, standing in the doorway.

"Dunno, just wandered off. Didn't even hang around the bar," she said, "Are you leaving any time soon? Any of you?"

"No! Donna's still unconscious!" exclaimed Ten.

"I'll go look for Jack," said River, "It's not like I can get into trouble. I'm a hologram."

"I suppose... Go ahead," said Eleven, "but someone else is going with you lot. Martha, Mickey, Amy, Rory and River. We need another."

"I'll go," volunteered Nine. "I can keep them safe. And Mickey the Idiot can catch me up."

"You can't go, what about Donna?!" demanded Ten.

"She'll be fine, she's got two Doctors," said Nine, "Bye-bye!" he said, leaving the TARDIS with River drifting behind him like a ghost.


	10. Not-So-Valentine's Day

_Not-So-Valentine's Day_

Half an hour passed, the 20s music blaring outside the TARDIS, seeping through the wooden walls inside. Rose suggested dancing to it, but the Doctors were in no mood to dance. They got Donna onto the seats and Ten had sent Clara to find water from somewhere for Donna when she woke up. And when she did, she did it with style. She sat straight up, opened her eyes, looked at Ten, and slapped him so hard.

"Ow! Donna, what was that for?!"

"Making me forget everything, spaceman!" Donna shouted angrily at him. "I thought I would die if I remembered? Why do I remember everything!?"

"Because we fixed the metacrisis!" he said happily, "Me and... well, me. It's very complicated. And you're not the DoctorDonna anymore, sorry. You're just Donna again, the most Important Woman in the Universe. Best temp in Chiswick. Oh, I've missed you!" he dragged her into a hug.

"You've got some explaining to do! Where am I?"

"You're in the TARDIS, my TARDIS," said Eleven, "I'm the next Doctor, the Eleventh Doctor. Three TARDISs were pulling themselves together along with everyone from the last 300 years of my life. Since the Sno - TARDIS! I mean TARDIS - is out of action, you're the last. Metacrisis reversal drained the power. Oh, and this is Clara Oswin Oswald, she's a nanny-Dalek-Victorian-Time Lady. And you already know Rose." Rose and Clara both waved.

"What have I missed?" asked Donna, excited.

"We've crashed in 1929, Jack's probably going to get into a lot of trouble, the Ninth Doctor, Martha, Mickey, the Ponds and River Song have gone to find him. And now we're going to find them."

"What, I just wake up and get dragged along with you again?!" she asked when he stood up.

"Well, yeah. We can talk on the way, but Jack's probably kick started the Wall Street Crash, plus, Charlie Chaplin," he said to Donna.

"Charlie Chaplin?" she asked, disbelieving as the five of them left the TARDIS and ended up in a store cupboard.

"I know!" said Ten, both of them grinning and smiling.

"God, I've missed you skinny boy," said Donna as they entered a scene ripped straight out of a black and white gangster film, the types on late on Sundays or bank holiday Mondays. The stage was empty, but the pianist was still playing a calm tune as mostly men sat at bars and tables, laughing and not noticing the strangely clothed individuals.

"Doctor, did you say River Song? That woman who died at the Library?" said Donna.

"Yep, she's a hologram," he said.

"Who is she though?"

"She's my wife," said Eleven. "Sort of. Time lines moving backwards, very confusing. How do we get out of this place?" they located a secret door that was in the wall of an old warehouse eventually and left the illegal bar to search for the others, who could be anywhere in the city by now.

"Where are we? What day is it?" asked Donna.

"It's Valentine's Day, 1929. We're in Chicago," said Rose, linking arms with Ten, something Clara had already subconsciously done with Eleven without noticing. Their strides were also matching. "Very romantic day today!" Rose called back, presumably to get on Clara's nerves again.

"Nothing romantic about today, there's a massacre going down in a few hours, it's six in the morning," said Ten, glancing up at the sky before the stars became hidden by the future's light pollution.

"Massacre?" asked Rose, Donna and Clara.

"Yeah... That's probably why Jack's here, he'll have something to do with it," said Eleven.

"Doctor?" Clara said to Eleven a while later once a conversation had started up between the other three as they walked the streets.

"Mmm?" he asked, disconnected and distracted.

"Back in the TARDIS, were you gonna say Snogbox?" she asked him.

"Clara? Back in the TARDIS, were you going to say 'yes'?" he asked her.

"I asked first," she said.

"I asked second."

"Doctor," she said sternly.

"Oh, alright, yes. Now, what about you?"

"Obviously I was gonna say yes, Chin. I've died for you a hundred times, it would be _impossible_ to say no," she said. He looked down at her and smiled.

"Well then, Clara Oswin Oswald, it would seem we are a couple," he whispered to her. They both laughed and she rested on his shoulder as he kissed her head.

"Oi, what are you two talking about?" asked Rose, looking back while Ten and Donna were immersed in conversation.

"Nothing!" they both said at the same time. "So... What's so important about it being Valentine's Day?" asked Clara.

"Chiago, 1929, February 14th, the St Valentine's Day Massacre. 6 people in a garage shot by members of another gang pretending to be police. All dressed up in their best clothes, but they thought they were getting a shipment of whiskey," explained Eleven, "Nobody knows why they dressed up and nobody knows who shot them."

"Definitely the sort of thing Jack would be interested in," said Ten.

"But, we don't know what part of Chicago we're in. Do we?" asked Clara.

"No, but it'll be great to find out!" said Eleven enthusiastically. Then he pulled her along with him as he went to walk right behind the other three (they couldn't walk in a line as the pavement wasn't big enough). "Just watch and listen for anything spacey-wacey."

They walked through the dark morning streets hardly talking, on high-alert for anything alien, when Donna heard something.

"Doctor, what's that noise?" she whispered.

"What noise?" asked Ten.

"It's really quiet but it sounds like a sonic screwdriver," she replied. Ten frowned and started rifling through his pocket, eventually dragging out a stethoscope and putting it in his ears. "Shhh..." he said when Donna was about to speak. "This way!" he wrenched out the stethoscope and started running, Donna, Rose, Clara and Eleven following in his wake.

They turned into an alley and stopped dead, Clara, Donna and Rose stumbling slightly, and Clara ran straight into Eleven's back.

"Back away," whispered Eleven to the companions, "very slowly..." Clara looked around him to see a group of about four laughing and jeering and playing with Nine's screwdriver, but Nine was nowhere to be seen.

"Why? Who are they?" breathed Rose.

"Just gangsters," said Ten offhandedly, pulling her and Donna back with him.

"_Just_ gangsters!?" hissed Donna. "Just!?" But then they had been seen by the four men, who turned, laughing evilly at the strange looking people who they didn't know.


	11. Jack's To Blame

**AN: You people are all so nice :) thank you for all the positive feedback! Chapter 14 is where it starts to get good, so you should definitely hold out for that one which will be up tomorrow or Saturday. Also, there are a lot of distractions before the Master arrives, but he does arrive (soon)! **

_Jack's To Blame_

"Whadda we got here, 'nother batch of loonies?" said one of them. He was the shortest and the thinest, but he had the most scars on his rough face and he was definitely the oldest, despite the injuries.

"Don't suppose you know where the other batch of loonies has gone..?" asked Ten hopefully, "didn't see where they went..? Actually, where are we?"

"How do ya not know where ya are? You're in North Chicago, pretty deep in Moran territory. More polite'n the last lot, I gotta say," he said. "But they were Capones."

"Moran as in Bugs Moran?" asked Ten.

"Course. If ya don't know who the boss is, ya can't be with Capone," he said.

"I'm an old friend of George! I did some business with him a few years ago," said Ten.

"Nobody calls the boss George, we ain't allowed. Who are ya?" asked the man.

"I'm the Doctor, and look, Georgie sent for me," Ten flashed his psychic paper. Whatever was on it made the man smile and reach out to shake Ten's hand.

"I'm John Smith," he said. "I'm known as Johnny round these parts though."

"Really? My friend here's called John Smith," Ten pointed at Eleven, "he's of simple mind, mind you. It's a wonder he ever managed to get a wife." He was stage-whispering. Eleven was glowering, Clara glanced at his angry red face and couldn't help giggling.

"Who're they? Ya wife 'n' kid?" asked Johnny Smith, pointing to Donna then Rose, who both looked very offended.

"Me? His wife? Never. I'm his sister. Step sister. In law," said Donna, trying to give her self the most distant relation possible.

"I'm his wife," said Rose. Ten looked incredibly awkward, standing in between them both.

"Riight," said Johnny.

"Take us to your leader," said Ten, "Gotta catch up with good old Georgie-Boy." He was grinning.

"Well, we're in the middle of a job right now. Shipment a' beer in there, straight from Canada. It's a pretty important heist."

"Just to clarify," said Eleven, moving forwards without warning and bring Clara stumbling in his wake, "I'm not actually of 'simple mind', like my dear brother here said. Lookie, I know Bugsie, course I do!" He held up his own psychic paper. "So you see? We'll wait outside while-" but there were gunshots from inside the large warehouse like building on the left of the alley they were all standing in.

"It's the Mafia, they musta found out about the exchange!" shouted one of the other men over the gunshots.

"Hurry, everyone get to the cars!" Johnny shouted, he and the rest of his group running off first, the Doctors, Rose, Clara and Donna following closely behind as they rounded the corner to see a police car, a hearse and a van waiting for them. Johnny dove into the van and shouted for Ten to get in front with him, telling the other four to get in the back while the other gang members climbed into the other two vehicles. Donna had only just clambered into the back of the van when it revved and started to drive off, and it took the combined efforts of all three girls to get Eleven on board, as he'd remained on the ground to help the others.

The back of the van was completely empty, and they all crawled to the back, not being able to stand because of how far it was veering around to avoid the gun shots of the rival gang.

"Doctor, did he say the Mafia!?" asked Clara.

"Yes, I think he did. Got a problem with that?"

"The Mafia!?" shouted Donna, "We're being chased by the Mafia!?"

"Could be worse," said Eleven, "John Smith said the others are _with_ the Mafia."

"WHAT!?"

"Honestly! Do you three not listen? He said they were with the Capones," Ten called through.

"What, you mean like Al Capone?" asked Rose.

"Ya know any other Capone!?" Johnny shouted through.

"I... guess... not..." said Rose.

"When we get back to the TARDIS, we should have a party!" said Eleven suddenly.

"A party?" asked Clara, "Why would we have a party?"

"It'll be fun!" he said.

"No, seriously, why?"

"To... celebrate... the metacrisis!" he thought on the spot. Clara wondered what was the real reason he wanted to have a party? Maybe it was just to have another excuse to dance with her again...

"Yes, brilliant idea! Donna, how about a party?" Ten called back.

"You guys seem pretty convinced we're gonna make it outta this alive!" Johnny grunted, steering the van sideways again.

"Well, we are," said Ten.

"If you're having a party you should let Jack organise it," said Rose.

"Jack has already gotten us trailing after him through Chicago," said Ten, "And split us all up into rival gangs."

"Jack?" asked Johnny.

"Captain Jack Harkness," said Ten, Eleven, Rose, Donna and Clara together.

"Ya wanna see Jack? Well he's just up with the boss right now, planning some sorta whiskey exchange," said Johnny.

"The massacre..." said Ten and Eleven together.

"Did ya just say massacre!?" whimpered Johnny.

"Take us to Jack and Georgie-Boy – Now!" Ten commanded.

"Yessir!"

The group all stormed straight into the building that was apparently Bugs Moran's secret hideout, Ten angry and looking for Jack, but Eleven and Rose trying to stop him yelling out and perhaps doing something to offend the gang, that could probably kill them at any given moment they chose.

"Johnny, take me to Jack and your boss," ordered Ten quietly, too angry at Jack for getting the TARDIS crew mixed up in mob warfare. Johnny nodded, looking slightly scared, before rushing up the stairs in front of them. The building wasn't for storage, it was just where Moran and some of his lieutenants lived. And apprently now so did Captain Jack.

"Jack! Get out here!" Ten shouted once they were on the third floor. There were sounds of fumbling from a nearby room and then Jack emerged, wearing just his pants and smoking a cigar. Johnny averted his eyes and sprinted off without a word. The two Doctors both sighed, looking sick of Jack's antics. However none of the girls could stop their eyes wandering across him. Why would they want to?

"Doctor! Just caught me closing up an arrangment," said Jack.

"Is that why you brought us here? To finish a deal?" asked Ten, disbelieving but wary at the same time (how did he do that?).

"Yeah, what other reason could I have? Just giving old Bugsy a little tip-off about some going ons later today. Why? Somethin' happened? This is where you dragged me out of to get on the TARDIS," he explained.

"Yes, something's happened! The Ninth Doctor, Mickey, Martha, Amy, Rory and River have somehow joined the Mafia, and Johnny Smith down there's got a sonic screwdriver!" he said in a high pitched whingey voice.

"I'm sure I can get the screwdriver off him," said Jack, grinning a thousand-watt smile.

"I'm sure you can," said Donna unintentionally. She looked embarassed when Ten gave her a 'Really? This guy?' sort of look. She shrugged it off and he shook his head.

"No need, I already swiped it," Ten waved around his two identical screwdrivers. "Now, shall we go find them?"

"Moran doesn't know where the Mafia'll be, how're we gonna find them? We can't even trace the screwdriver.

"No. But there is something else we can trace," said Eleven, grabbing Jack's wrist where his vortex manipulator still clung to it. "If I just rework the interface a little... There we go! River's a hologram, she has an electronic signiature we can trace. Geronimo!" said Eleven, running off and dragging Jack and Clara with him.

"Jack, you're planning a party!" Rose told him.

"Rose!" whined Ten, "Don't tell him he's planning a party, then he will!"

"It was you who suggested it," sulked Rose, all of them running after Jack, who was in the lead and in control of their new, crude tracker.

"Party? Count me in, but what's the occassion?" asked Jack.

"The occassion? Fixing the metacrisis," said Eleven.

"You gotta let me get some proper entertainment and beverages," said Jack.

"Oh, great, flappers and moonshine..." said Ten sarcastically.

"How did you know?" asked Jack, like his plans were actually hard to guess.

"I'm psychic," said Ten even more sarcastically than he had already.

"Am I really that predictable?" asked Jack.

"Yes!" answered all five of the others.

"They're in Lincoln Park, 2122 North... Uh-oh..." said Jack, "Gee, so you really weren't kidding about them being mixed up with the Outfit, huh?"


	12. Let's Go To Cardiff!

_Let's Go To Cardiff!_

"Tell me they're not... They are," said Ten looking at the vortex manipulator.

"What is it? Where are they?" asked Clara.

"They're in 2122 North Clark Street. Actually..." said Eleven, glancing at the manipulator, "they're just round the corner. Not actually in the building. Well, River's round the corner..." But there were bangs like small explosions and shouts from within a building on the corner that looked like a normal house at first glance, but Clara suspected it wasn't what it seemed. Especially when Martha Jones ran out of it carrying a tommy-gun. It had only been an hour an a half at least since their group left the TARDIS, how had they gotten in such a mess?

Mickey and Amy both dove to the ground as Martha started to fire wildly into the building, Mickey rolling round and shouting back with a revolver he'd acquired.

"We have to go!" Martha shouted, trying to run off.

"No! Not while Rory's still in there!" Amy screamed.

"We can come back for the other three la..." but Martha trailed off when she turned to see Ten, Eleven, Rose, Donna, Clara and Jack gawping at the trio.

"Captain Cheescake, you have to get out of here!" shouted Mickey.

"Why? Who's in there? Who're you shooting?" asked Ten.

"I don't know, I think they're from Detroit..?" said Martha, "But seriously Jack, you have to get away! They're looking for you! The Mafia!"

"I can handle 'em," he said.

"The rest of us aren't immortal though, and we've probably been seen with Moran's gang!" Clara argued with him.

"You've all been with the Irish!? You do know how much business they've been stealing from the Outfit?!" said Martha, before blindly firing another drum into the house.

"Martha, you're not _actually_ working for Al Capone! Get back to the TARDIS! Now!" ordered Ten over more gunfire.

"We can't! The Ninth Doctor, River and Rory are still in there on the top floor," said Martha. But no sooner had she said those words than River flicked up in front of them and the top floor window was smashed. Martha, Mickey and Amy jumped back as a mattress toppled to the ground with a flump, and then Rory was in the window talking to someone behind him. "Can I get down, I really don't want to do thiiiiiiis!" he wailed as someone pushed him out of the window - hard. He landed on his front on the mattress.

"Rory!" gasped Amy.

"Amy? S'that you?" he groaned.

"Out of the way!" Nine shouted. Rory was too dazed to move, and it was up to Amy to drag him out of the way just in time for Nine to land flat on his back on the mattress and jumped to his feet almost instantly, cracking his neck and fingers.

"Catch," Ten said to him, tossing the extra sonic towards him. Nine caught it, fumbling it slightly, and stowed it in his pocket.

"Back to the TARDIS!" he said, running off. The gang now reuinited, they all started to sprint after him, Martha and Mickey firing at the gang members chasing them blindly, but every now and then there would be a curse or yell from behind them, or even another gunshot.

"Aren't we gonna stop this massacre?!" shouted Amy.

"No, it's a fixed point, we can't do anything about it! Just RUN!" shouted Ten.

Then one such shot hit Jack squarely in the back of his head, sending him flying forwards into Ten.

"Someone help me!" Ten shouted. Donna wasted no time grabbing her share of Jack and lifting his left leg, Rose grabbing his right as the Tenth Doctor hauled his top half by himself.

"Leave him! No-one can survive a shot like that!" Rory shouted.

"You've never met anyone like Captain Jack Harkness!" said Martha as they all rounded a corner, finding two vans side-by-side parked, ready and waiting. Ten forced Jack into Rory's arms as he sonicked the door opening, Nine rushing off to the other van. Ten, Jack, Rose, Donna, Rory and Mickey piled into one while Nine, Eleven, Clara, River, Martha and Amy were in the other. Mickey driving the first and Amy driving the second.

The journey was brief, only ten minutes, but they were still being thrown around for all of it while Amy tried to avoid any bullets from the Capones, who seemed to be surprisinly bad shots. Either that, or Amy was secretly a stunt driver.

The van screeched to a halt finally and as it jerked the back doors flew open. They all scrabbled out, pushing and pulling to escape the confines before they were shot at, forcing their way into the speakeasy (which was now vacated) and then all filing into the TARDIS, which was just as dead and dark as it had been when they'd left.

Eleven was last in and he made sure to close the doors behind him while everyone else flopped onto the floor, panting.

"I've only known you for a few hours but I hate you already," panted Amy to Jack, her and Rory leaning against eachother. Clara wished she'd been there to see the look on their faces when Jack came back to life. She herself remembered seeing it faintly in the Doctor's time stream somewhere. Jack grinned to himself and joined the three Doctors in surveying the damage to the ship.

"Running a system diagnosis," he told them as he typed away.

"I can do that!" exclaimed Clara, annoyed.

"No! You're banned, remember? Completely banned until we fix this mess," said Eleven.

"Can't you fix it how you did when we went to the parallel world for the first time?" asked Mickey.

"Nope, she just needs a bit of a recharge. Which means..." said Ten.

"We're going to Cardiff!" said Jack.

"Yeah, we're not meeting up with your... gang," said Ten dissaprovingly.

"Oi! What's wrong with gangs? I had a gang once, remember Amy?" said Eleven.

"Yeah, and you almost got Queen Neferetiti killed!" she said.

"Everyone's a critic..." he grumbled, disappointed.

"We're not a gang, we're an organisation," said Jack, getting the conversation back on track, "strictly professional, everything. But we still don't have enough power to get us to Cardiff."

"Don't suppose anyone has a powercell? A battery?" asked Nine. Nobody spoke. "A mobile phone battery?" Still silence. "Come on! This is important!" they all sighed, but each of them pulled a mobile from ther pocket and showed it to Nine, who started taking them and putting them all in a fez that had been resting on the side.

"So we connect up all the batteries to the TARDIS mainframe and we should have just enough power to reach Cardiff. Lock onto the Rift and we can recharge these batteries and give them back to you. Safe and sound," said Nine.

"Unless, of course, they melt, or explode, or something else happens to them," said Eleven, always the bearer of bad news. Nine scowled at him.

"I wasn't going to tell them that," he said gruffly.

"Oh... sorry," said Eleven, "We can get replacements in Cardiff. Anyway, party? Jack?"

"I'll do it when the TARDIS is fixed, Doc," he said, grabbing a handful of wires and coils and helping Nine create a circuit. Ten came over and sonicked each one to increase their power. It took just a few minutes, everyone waiting with baited breath, as they plugged their little circuit into the console and watched the Snogbox light up bright blue again.

But as soon as that happened there was chaos.

"Jack, coordinates!" Ten shouted at Jack as the batteries started to make crackling sounds.

"I'm on it!" said Jack as Nine ran around and started to push buttons. Outside they heard shouting and gunfire hitting the TARDIS, along with the metallic, thrumming sound of it dematerialising.

When they were inside the batteries were burning up, the three Doctors rushing around the TARDIS, trying to get them to the Rift before they melted into the console, sizzling and useless.

"Come on, come on!" Nine was shouting. But it was at that moment they lost control. The TARDIS started to spin out, round and round through the time vortex, and soon enough nobody could keep hold and they found the sheer speed throwing them around the room, a few inches off the ground. Ten lunged forwards, aiming for a lever, but he missed and hit a big red button. A big red button that meant the TARDIS flipped over 360°, throwing them completely upside down. Clara lost her weak grip on the railings and started to fall towards the ceiling, but the Snogbox returned just in time for her to fall about a foot onto her face onto the TARDIS floor. Then, finally, they halted, the mobile batteries hissing and the time machine grinding to silence.

Then everyone, uncontrollably, started to laugh. All twelve of them, trying to get to their feet while all crying with laughter. Their phones destroyed. But now they were on Earth, in Cardiff, in -

"2007," said Jack, "It's October 24th. Not too far out." So they were on Earth, in Cardiff, in 2007, and it was - "Time for a holiday!" said Jack, interrupting her thoughts for a second time.

"Holiday?!" said Ten, "You've only been here for a day and all you've done is got us lost!"

"Spoilsport," said Jack, "It's gonna be 20 hours until we can go anywhere, 2PM tomorrow. It's 6 now. We've got a whole night to party!"

"We do all have stressful lives you know, Doctors," said Rose. "Torchwood."

"Torchwood," said Jack.

"Torchwood," said Mickey.

"Torchwood," said Martha.

"Temp," said Donna.

"Author," said Amy.

"Nurse," said Rory.

"Wife," said River.

"Nanny," said Clara.

"I think we do all deserve a holiday," said Rose.

"But... Well... I... Come on... Really..? Oh, go on then..." said Ten, giving up when he couldn't think of a reason.


	13. Admission, Or Not An Admission?

_Admission, Or Not An Admission?_

"Everybody out while I plan your surprise party," said Jack, leaving the console to start pushing people out of the Snogbox. It ended up with all the companions stood outside apart from River and Jack, who stayed with the three Doctors.

"You know what babe, I really need a drink," Mickey said to Martha. "I might head off to a pub. And if I were you I'd put that gun back inside." Martha glanced down to see she was still holding the Tommy-Gun from eighty years ago. She threw it back in the TARDIS (ignoring Jack's protests) and saw Mickey off. Then Rory realised he was stuck in a group of five girls.

"Pub sounds good, I think I'll go with..."

"Mickey," said Martha when Rory forgot her husband's name.

"Mickey, that's right, and have a drink," he said, running to catch up with Mickey to escape the gaggle behind him.

"God, it's good to be back in this century!"

said Amy, taking a deep breath of the Welsh air.

"What century were you in?" asked Martha curiously as they started to walk in the opposite direction of the two men.

"The last one," she said, "in New York. We got stuck there after a run-in with the weeping angels. I started writing a book."

"Really? What's it called?" asked Clara.

"'Summer Falls'. It's under the name Amelia Williams though, not Amy Pond."

"You wrote that book?! That's one of my favourite ever books!" she exclaimed. "Too favourite, actually. Met a spoonhead who turned into the main character."

"Spoonhead?" asked Amy.

"Long story short, they're robots that download people into the wifi," she said.

"I was working," said Donna, "just sat at my desk. About to go get a coffee. Then I just vanished into thin air and appeared in the TARDIS."

"I was baking a soufflé," said Clara.

"I was cooking breakfast for Mum, Dad, Tony and the Doctor," said Rose.

"I was fighting a stray Slitheen," said Martha.

"I was listening to the radio," said Amy.

"How did the rest of you meet the Doctor?" asked Clara. They'd found a park eventually, and were now all sat on the floor of a bandstand.

"Well!" said Donna, getting excited. She started to tell a story about popping up in the TARDIS on her wedding day, being force fed Huon particles by her fiancé, meeting the Empress of te Rachnos and watching the world be created, "And he left me. Then I met him again..." and she spoke about the bees disappearing, looking for the Doctor for months, the Adipose and Mrs Foster and the diet pills.

"I met him at work, training to be a doctor myself," said Martha, talking about the time the hospital was teleported onto the moon, the upwards rain, the Judoon, the plasmavore and how they'd nearly suffocated.

"I met him when I was 11," said Amy, telling them how he'd not liked any food in her house and the crack in the wall, going on to explain his 12 year absense and Prisoner Zero, and finally about leaving Rory the day before their wedding.

"I met him staying back late at my job in a department store, looking for a guy called Wilson," said Rose, speaking of shop window dummies coming to life, plastic hand attacking her, plastic, headless Mickey chasing her round London and Clive, the man obsessed with the Doctor. "I've met Charles Dickens."

"I've met Agatha Christie," said Donna.

"I've met William Shakespeare," said Martha.

"I've met Van Gogh," said Amy. "And he painted sunflowers for me."

"Shakespeare wrote me a sonnet," said Martha.

"I was proposed to by the Emperor of 1000 Galaxies, in the future," said Clara, having met no-one incredibly famous and iconic from the past.

"I got married in a dream world in a Library," said Donna, "to a bloke who could hardly speak a word."

"Library?" asked Clara, intrigued.

"THE Library. Biggest Library in the universe. But it was full of vashta nerada, they killed a lot of people," said Donna sadly.

"I killed an entire fleet of Daleks in the year 200000," said Rose, "you don't take offence to that, do you?" she asked Clara, "seeing as you were..." Clara gave her a death stare. "Sorry..."

"Why would I take offence to that? I wasn't... I mean I was... But..."

"What are you two talking about?!" asked Donna.

"Clara's a Dalek," said Rose and Martha at once.

"Give it a rest," said Amy, "She saved my life, Rory's life and the Doctor's life."

"Okay, I don't actually like talking about being a Dalek, it wasn't a happy time," said Clara, "can we please forget about it?"

"DALEK?!" screamed Donna. Clara buried her head in her hands and swore to herself this would be the last time she had to explain to anyone about her past lives. Unfortunately, in this particular re-telling, she may have sort-of-accidentally forgotten to omit the part about her Victorian self snogging the Eleventh Doctor to prove once and for all he did like her.

"You WHAT?!" gasped Rose, Martha, Donna and Amy. "Seriously?!" they all said at once.

"Yes, seriously," she said, not meeting their shocked/impressed eyes.

"And what happened?" asked Martha. Clara beckoned for them all to lean closer so she could whisper to them what Eleven probably viewed as a grave secret.

"He blushed," she said.

"I kissed the Doctor once," said Amy, "before I married Rory. Although technically I was still cheating..."

"He kissed me once so he'd look like a human and I'd look like an alien to distract the Judoon," said Martha.

"I had to kiss him after he got himself poisioned by a wasp man," said Donna, looking slightly appalled, "had to give him a shock."

"Well I've kissed the Doctor lots of times," said Rose, laughing to herself.

"Yeah, that's cos you're married to his duplicate," said Martha.

"Hold on, why am I the only one who gets bullied for fancying him?" asked Clara, annoyed.

"Because I married him, because Donna's his best friend, because Amy's married to Rory and because Martha never did," said Rose.

"Yes she did!" Clara objected, "I was in his time stream! I saw you when you left him!" she said to Martha who now looked embarassed herself.

"Hang on," said Donna, "you just admitted you fancy him!"

"What? No, I did not," she said.

"You said 'why do I get bullied for fancying him'!" said Donna.

"Sounds like an admission to me," said Rose.

"Well it wasn't," said Clara.

"Was too," argued Rose like a child.

"You lot are worse than Angie and Artie..." mumbled Clara.

"Why? What have they done now?" Eleven said. Every single one of them jumped. They'd all ben huddled in such a close circle nobody had noticed the Eleventh Doctor suddenly appear. "Were they bullying you again?" he asked Clara.

"Do you always have to walk in at the worst possible time?" Clara asked him.

"I don't mean too..." he said, looking upset. Sometimes he was just like a twelve year old. "Just came to say, Jack said to come back to the TARDIS and get ready because 'he knows how long you gals take to get ready'," he quoted.

"Are you his errand boy?" asked Clara playfully.

"No, but nobody else would tell you. We already called Rory, who answered his phone. Are you coming?" he asked them (though to Eleven, 'them' was really just Clara).

"Of course, Chin," she said to him, taking the hand he had so kindly offered her and standing up. The other four girls also got up, all of them snickering and trying not to laugh (though Martha definitely looked jealous).

"What's so funny?" asked Eleven as Clara stuck her tongue out at them, being the third to act like a child.

"Put your tongue away or I'll do it for you," whispered Eleven to her. She was completely dazed. Did he just... flirt with her? The Eleventh Doctor? Flirting? With something that wasn't a Snogbox?

"Sorry, what?" she asked him as he guided her away, she was in too much shock to walk herself.

"You heard me," he said.

"Did you actually, properly just say that though?" she asked, hearing footsteps behind them and speculating voices as she held his arm.

"Yowzah, I think I did," he said, his mind finally catching up with his mouth. She giggled at him. "Shut-up!"

"You're the one who said it, not me," she said.

"It's still your fault," he said. He was grumpy now.

"What's the real reason for this party then?" she asked.

"I just thought we ought to celebrate this reuinion! Since they can't go home yet. We still don't know how to fix the Dimestabilisers, so if they went anywhere they'd just get pulled back. Which is also why we can't spend too long away from the Snogbox," he explained.

"Stop it!" she hissed.

"Stop what?"

"Stop flirting and saying Snogbox! It's weird!"

"I didn't realise I said anything!" he said, sounding offended. But by now they had reached the TARDIS. And that was all Clara Oswin Oswald remembered before the next morning.


	14. Your New Wife Has A Black Eye

_Your New Wife Has A Black Eye_

She didn't know where she was, she didn't know what she was doing, she didn't know what the time was and she only just had a hold on WHO she was when she rolled over, groaning. Her head was killing with hangover. At that moment, all she wanted was a glass of water and something to stop her head throbbing so badly she was sure it was going to explode.

She didn't open her eyes, she could feel she was in a bed though. Aching, she swung her legs over the closest side of it and she jumped back when she touched something warm and squishy with her toes.

Finally opening her eyes, she peered over the edge of the bed to see, snoring loudly on the floor, the Eleventh Doctor, wearing what looked like pyjama bottoms and a bowtie and lying flat on his front. Did he sleep in a bowtie? She shook that thought from her mind, after all, the current most important question was:

"What on Gallifrey are you doing half naked on the floor?!" she demanded of him. He twitched and his snore pattern faltered, but he just rolled over onto his back, to reveal one of his eyes was black and bruised and most of his face was covered in red lipstick. Unfortunately, Clara recognised the shade. That was when alarm bells went off. She stared around. The room was dark, but not that dark. It appeared to have mood lighting. The bed was large and circular an golden - very time lord - but, thank stars, only one person had slept in it. And that person, she presumed, had been her. She sighed, but decided Eleven really did need to be woken up at that moment. So she started to prod his face with her toes.

"Doctor? Doooctor...?" she drew out the vowels, "Doooctooor?" suddenly, he gasped and shot up into a sitting position, staring around.

"Where is she?! Where did Blon go?!" he shouted. Clara squinted at him, having no idea what he was talking about.

"Doctor, I-" she said before he noticed her. He got to his feet and grabbed her hand, trying to pull her up.

"Clara! Come on! We have to get to Blon, I was chasing her!" he said.

"Who the hell is Blon?!"

"Err... Margaret! She was pretending to be Margaret! She'll teleport away if we don't... Why are you in pyjamas?" he asked, finally noticing they weren't midchase after Blon, or Margaret, or whoever he'd been dreaming about.

"Because I was sleeping!" she said.

"Did Blon wake you up?! I swear, if I ever find her I'll... Why were you sleeping in here?" he trailed off again. She rolled her eyes.

"Doctor, I don't even know where here is!"

"Did Blon put you here? Like a prisoner?" he asked suspiciously, searching the room. "This is a room on the TARDIS... How did Blon get on the TARDIS?!"

"WHO IS BLON?" she yelled.

"No need to shout..."

"Doctor! Who is she?!"

"A slitheen! Met her again in Cardiff I while ago and... was I dreaming?" he asked.

"Yes!"

"Well why didn't you bother to mention it? And why were we both in here sleeping?" he asked.

"I don't remember! But you were on the floor and I was in the bed. And I have clothes on and you... not so much..." she said. He glanced down before making a whimpering sound she coulsn't help but laugh at as wrapped the sheet from the bed around his shoulders to 'protect him'.

"What? What's so funny?" he asked suspiciously.

"You, you have trousers on. You're not exactly naked," she commented.

"Don't care. I'm still covering up," he pouted, going off to sulk it one of the circular room's nonexistant corners. There was a knock on the door, and also a peephole on the front. Annoyingly, the peephole was the Doctor's height and much too high for her to reach. Stupid Snogbox.

"Who is it?" she called through the metal.

"It's Rose, is that you, Clara?" asked Rose.

"Yes. Why? Has something happened?"

"I've talked to Martha and Mickey, but nobody remembers anything from last night, not since we got back into the TARDIS," said Rose.

"Strange, I don't remember anything either..." she said.

"Anyone else in there?" asked Rose.

"What? No!" she lied, "Why would there be?"

"Because there are seven rooms and twelve of us," said Rose.

"Ask about River!" Eleven mouthed at Clara.

"No!" she mouthed back. He made a puppy dog face she couldn't resist, "fine! Where's River?"

"Don't know, haven't found her yet," said Rose.

"If everyone's waking up with someone - I mean, apparently - what about you?" Clara asked her.

"Just my husband..." she said.

"He's not really your husband though," said Clara. "I mean, he didn't marry you."

"Alright, fine, spoilsport," said Rose, annoyed, "I'll admit that he's not my husband if you admit you have the Eleventh Doctor in there with you." Clara didn't really care for Rose and he dilema on whether she cheated or not. Irritatingly, it seemed Eleven did care.

"Yes! I'm here!" he called happily. Rose burst out laughing and Clara gave up, opening the door. Eleven waved briskly, completely unaware of how much inuendo he'd just made them both the victim of - and the extent of his current appearence.

"Before you say anything he slept on the floor," Clara said quickly. "And definitely only one person slept in the bed. And that was me."

"Yeah, but why has he got your lipstick on his face?" Rose snorted.

"I have what?" Eleven asked in a tiny voice, then he jumped over the bed and darted into the ensuite that had just appeared.

"I didn't tell him that!" Clara said angrily.

"Chill out, you're gonna marry him in the future anyway," said Rose.

"I'm not going to marry him!"

"You do fancy him though," said Rose matter-of-factly.

"She WHAT?!" shouted Eleven, looking out of the bathroom looking flabbergasted by this oh-so-secret news. Clara buried her face in her hands as Rose suppressed laughter.

"She fancies you!" said Rose.

"No. Don't be daft, what could possibly make you think that?" he asked.

"I don't know, how about the fact that my lipstick is all across your stupid chin?!" she said, seething. He pouted.

"My chin is not stupid," he said.

"You could poke someone's eye out with it," said Clara moodily.

"Is that what happened to your eye?" asked Rose.

"What is wrong with my eye?" asked Clara.

"Well... umm... you should probably let Rory take a look at it..." she said.

"Why?!" she asked, but Rose was not speaking so Clara marched over to the Doctor, "Is there something wrong with my eye?"

"Blimey! Where'd you get that shiner?" he asked with wide eyes. She gasped and rammed past him into the bathroom. "Oi! I was about to have a shower!" he yelled when the door was slammed in his face.

"I'll just go then, shall I?" asked Rose when there was a shout and a bang from the bathroom.

"Yeah, I think you'd better," Eleven advised. Rose left (sniggering) and closed the door behind her. "Clara? Are you alright?" asked Eleven.

"Of course I'm not alright, I have a huge black eye on my face!" she shouted.

"I have lipstick on my face! It's like I have a bright red beard," he said, "and a funny looking ring on my hand. It says coo. Clara, what does coo mean?"

"How am I supposed to..." but she trailed off.

"Clara? What is it? What's wrong?" he asked seriously.

"Clara Oswin Oswald," she said.

"Yeah, that's your name I know your name," he said.

"No, look!" she opened the door and held her own hand up to his face to show him the thin gold and engraved ring on her finger.

"Ted," he said, "Who's Ted?!"

"You're TED! You're The Eleventh Doctor!" she said.

"You're not saying... Oh... You are saying... But we can't be..."

"We're married!" they both shouted together at the exact moment there were screams and shouts from all the other rooms all through the TARDIS corridor they were on.

**AN: And because I'm an incredibly evil author, I am not updating until late tomorrow. Possibly very late, maybe even Sunday (but probably still tomorrow). The next three chapters are pretty crazy and fun and jokey, because the ones after that are not. They. Are. Deadly. Serious. And they have plot development.**


	15. What The Hell Happened In Vegas?

**AN: I apologise for the slipping standard of my proof-reading in the last few chapters, I promise I will start to check properly again :) If anyone has any suggestions of what they'd want to happen then just tell me, I've tried to add all suggestions so far (but they won't appear for quite a few chapters so sorry). Enjoy :)**

_What The Hell Happened in Vegas!?_

Eleven and Clara ran out into the corridor to see everyone but Jack, Donna and River, but that was the least of their worries as everyone was shouting and screaming. Ten was flashing his back, showing them a ginormous tattoo of Rose Tyler's face with her name splatted across the bottom. Rose was holding a duffle bag full of shiny, futuristic looking poker chips that were also spilling onto the floor. Clara joined in the fray, waving her and Eleven's hands around to show off their brand new wedding rings. Martha was screaming and pointing to her face, she was covered in piercings - eyebrow, nose, lip, cheek, everywhere. Mickey was shouting too, about the ridiculous clothes he was wearing that were definitely the clothes of a stripper. Amy and Rory were clutching a baby between them, but whose baby it was they had no idea. Finally, Nine looked to be covered in something brown, crusty and incredibly smelly and was on the brink of tears.

"SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP, ALL OF YOU!" shouted someone behind them. They all fell silent, faced with Donna who had appeared suddenly.

"Please tell me this isn't what I think it is..." whimpered Nine.

"I think you'd better nip off and have a shower..." said Donna, staring at him. He nodded glumly and shuffled off, wincing everytime the disgusting fabric touched his body. "Right, you lot! You've just woken me up from a flippin' hangover! Do you know how hard that is?! After what you all got up to last night!"

"You remember last night?" asked Ten.

"Course I do! I drank so much I didn't wanna go to Vegas with you!" she shouted, furious.

"VEGAS?!" yelled all eight of them.

"Yes! And now, if you don't mind, I'm going back to bed!" Donna stormed off down the corridor. Apparently, the TARDIS had given her a room away from the others. Which was probably a good move.

"I need a shower..." said Clara, wandering, dazed, back into her room.

"I'm gonna take Rose and make her a cup of tea," said Ten, taking the incredibly stressed and scared Rose with him as he left.

"I need a shower too," said Martha.

"I need to change," said Mickey.

"I have to find my wife," said Eleven.

"I'm right here, Chin..." Clara said.

"No, not you. My other wife," he said.

"I'll help you. Rory, look after the baby," Amy ordered her husband, forcing the unknown child into his hands. He tried to protest but it didn't work, she just followed Eleven while he knocked on doors.

"Doctor, why do I have to wait for you before going to breakfast? I'm hungry and thirsty!" Clara shouted through the bathroom door at Eleven who was getting dressed. They had since found off they couldn't remove the wedding rings, they heated up and burned you if you tried.

"Just wait! I'm putting on my bowtie!" he said.

"If you were like this last night I can think of no good reason why I'd want to marry you," she said quietly so he wouldn't hear.

"Right! Here we go! Ready for breakfast!" he said, jumping out of the bathroom now dressed in his purple jacket and his bowtie.

"You're getting me a coffee today," she said, taking his arm as they left the room. Martha was still in her room, her and Mickey struggling to remove the awful looking piercings that covered every inch of her face, so they weren't quite the last out.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because the last time we went for breakfast you didn't get me a coffee. Just got me downloaded, then left," she said.

"I came back!" he exclaimed.

"Two weeks later!"

"Coulda been twelve years," he said. "Two weeks isn't so bad. Once I wanted to go to 1989, ended up 100 years earlier and met Queen Victoria."

"Really? What happened?"

"She got bitten by a werewolf and I was knighted and banished on the same day. So was Rose, Dame Rose Tyler of the Powell Estate," he reminisced fondly. "Anyway, I wonder how far it is to the kitchen from that magic new corridor."

"This way," she said, pulling him towards the kitchen as he tried to walk off in the wrong direction.

"Oi! I think I know my way around my own home!" he protested, but soon shut up when they ended up in the kitchen to see Ten trying to comfort Rose, who was panicking because she was convinced she'd stolen a few millions worth of poker chips from a casino somewhere.

"I'm sure we can... return it..." he was saying.

"How? We don't even know where it's from!" she said. Amy and Rory were also sat around the table trying to remember where the baby was from and how they'd managed to acquire it.

"Coffee," Clara whispered to Eleven, pushing him in the direction of the kettle. He shuffled off and started to dabble with the appliances. Every now and then there would be the sound of a sonic screwdriver.

"Did he find his... other wife?" Ten asked Amy, glancing at Clara at the words 'other wife'.

"Yep. She's not coming out until someone fixes her though," said Amy.

"Why? What's wrong?"

"She's like a walking disco," said Amy, trying not to laugh.

"It's not funny, Amelia!" said Eleven, "it's an illegal hologram imagery manipulation meaning her pixels are in constant flux with the environment."

"She's a human strobe light," said Amy. Clara laughed. When Eleven had explained this to her earlier he'd done it in such a complicated way she hadn't had any clue what he was talking about (apparently, when she was hungover her other selves were not present in her personality, Time Lady Clara and Oswin were both sleeping currently, inside her head).

"Morning all," said Jack, strutting into the kitchen and looking awfully proud of himself, "I don't know what happened after the party last night, but I just woke up in bed with two girls and two guys."

"Oh, spare us..." said Ten.

"You remember the party though?" asked Amy.

"Sure do. And a certain twosome were giving off some pretty romantic vibes," said Jack. It was a moment before Clara realised he was looking from her to the now thankfully lipstick-free Eleventh Doctor.

"We were, were we?" she said.

"Sorta gave the impression you were desperate to get hitched," he said. Clara sighed and held up her hand, showing him the ring that refused to leave her finger as Eleven put a full coffee mug down in front of her.

"That's a solot ring! I can't believe you chose rings you can only take off if you legally get a divorce in Vegas," he said. "But it's a bit strange looking."

She sipped her coffee, before spitting it back into the mug and coughing.

"You're 1200 years old and you can't even make a decent cup of coffee!?" she wheezed.

"I just spiced it up a bit."

"When you say 'spiced it up', do you mean you actually put spice in it?"

"Possibly..." he said guiltily.

"Why did I marry someone who can't even make decent coffee?" she asked herself rhetorically.

"Seemed pretty into him last night," commented Jack, taking a sip of Clara's 'poision' and cringing. He poured it down the sink and rinsed it, then he joined them at the table.

"I don't really wanna know what I was doing last ni - Holy..." said Clara as Martha came into the room.


	16. Casper's Not A Friendly Ghost

_Casper's Not A Friendly Ghost_

"That's enough, alright?" she spoke over her, "My face is full of holes. They'll heal soon... I hope. What year were we in?" she asked.

"2121," answered Jack, "Second of January. 2/1/2121. No better day to go gambling."

"How do I get one of these legal divorces then?" Clara asked Jack.

"We've only been married a few hours, you can't just divorce me!" said Eleven, annoyed he'd been judged as a husband on a cup of coffee.

"He's right. Gotta be married 6 months and have papers to prove it. Plus, you have to be a citizen of whatever country you're in. And you're not a citizen of anywhere in this time," said Jack.

"So I can never divorce him?! Ever? What about fake papers and records?" asked Clara.

"Nope," said Jack, "I had to cut my finger off to get rid of the ring...s."

"Rings?" asked Martha.

"I don't learn from my mistakes," he said, grinning and sitting down. "So, what did you two do?" he asked Ten and Rose, the latter of which had calmed down a little after having some tea, but was still being comforted by the former.

"Well I have a tattoo of Rose's face on my back, and... We're not entirely sure. Take a look at these," Ten reached under the table and pulled out the overflowing bag of chips and pushed it to Jack, who was sat on his left. Jack's eyes widened at the sight.

"This is over $200 million worth of poker chips!" he gasped.

"But are they stolen?" asked Ten seriously.

"Yeah! They're from the Ectosino!" said Jack.

"The where?" asked Ten.

"The Ectosino. Like ectoplasm. The guy who owns it's name is Casper Ghost, he went with the gimmick. You can tell by the little glow-in-the-dark ghosts on all the chips," Jack explained. He obviously frequented Las Vegas in the 21st century.

"But how do you know they're stolen?!" asked Rose.

"Let's just say Casper Ghost doesn't operate entirely within the law. You can't win that much money in the Ectosino, you get kicked out for getting $100,000," he said.

"How do you know this?" asked Ten.

"I got in some trouble with the law. Charmed my officers and everyone else, and instead of arresting me they put me undercover in the Ectosino," he said.

"Are you saying that somehow, while Rose was so drunk she can't remember anything, she somehow managed to steal $200 million from a dodgy casino without getting caught?" asked Ten disbelievingly. Jack nodded, and Ten's face broke into a huge grin as he pulled Rose into a hug. "You never cease to amaze me, Rose Tyler!"

"Well, now that mystery's solved can someone please find out whose baby this is?!" Amy requested.

"Yes! I'll take it for analysis," said Eleven, "coming, Clara?" he asked Clara, taking the baby from Amy and Rory. It hadn't cried yet, which was weird. Maybe they'd travelled to biblical times and stolen Jesus. That panicked Clara as she walked with Eleven and Rory (Amy had stayed behind, wanting nothing to do with the mystery baby).

"Doctor, I don't suppose there's any chance that's Jesus?" she asked.

"Of course not. Actually, I suppose there is a chance... Fingers crossed it's not Jesus," he said nervously. They reached a room Clara had never been in before. The Snogbox may have just created it a moment ago, but it was a medical bay with a device that looked like an incubator. The Doctor put the curiously silent baby in the incubator and went to run a computer. Rory stood next to the baby while Clara went to look at the computer screen.

"Uh-oh..." said Eleven.

"What is it? Is it Jesus?" asked Rory.

"Worse," said Eleven.

"What could be worse than kidnapping Jesus?" he asked.

"Kidnapping the son of Casper and Andrea Ghost..." said Eleven. As though everything were collapsing around them at once, there was a beep from Eleven and Clara's wedding rings and a hologram shot out of them both, projecting a rotating, green and 3D ghost before them with the words 'ECTOSINO CHAPEL' in front of it.

"Congratulations on your 12 hour anniversairy!" said a robotic voice from both of the rings, slightly out of synch so it sounded echoey, "Courtesy of the Ectosino Chapel! Be sure to visit again!" and then the hologram faltered and died.

"At least we know where we went," said Eleven. Rory removed the baby from it's incubator. And at that momebt it started crying. Clara didn't mind babies, or kids at all, which was why she hadn't minded staying at the Maitlands to look after Angie and Artie, but she'd never looked after a baby and had no idea how to stop it crying.

"Clara, what do we do?!" Eleven panicked. Clearly the childishness of this Doctor overwhelmed the part of him that had once been a father and may have once had paternal instincts, so for the now-part he just flailed like a twelve year old.

"Is flailing around like that your only reaction to anything?" asked Clara.

"Yeah, you danced like that at our wedding," said Rory, trying to calm the baby.

"And when River kissed you for the first time," said Clara, "And when Amy kissed you that one time," Rory looked unhappy at that comment, "And when I kissed you that one time."

"'One time'?" asked Rory, "I think you've probably kissed him more than one time."

"Alright, that one and only time I can actually remember," said Clara, "and how do you know he WASN'T flailing around last night?"

"Good point - maybe he was going by the lipstick on his face," said Rory.

"I'm right here!" said Eleven, annoyed they'd been talking about him in front of him.

"Whose kid is it?" asked Amy when they entered.

"You don't wanna know," said Eleven.

"It's yours, isn't it? And hers," said Amy, going from Eleven to Clara.

"NO! It is not my child!" shouted Clara angriy, "It's Casper Ghost's son. And it also seems that our wedding was in the Ectosino." Mickey had since entered the kitchen and was sat trying not to stare at his wife's face when there was a beeping and flashing green light. The only thing was, the flashing light was coming from a point underneath his skin.

"What the hell is that?!" he said.

"It's a pager chip," said Jack, "push the, err, bump." Mickey did push the part of his hand that was slightly raised and a text-like message was beamed in front of him. The same robotic voice from Clara's ring read the message aloud.

"Mickey Smith you have been assigned a job as an adult entertainer in Room 619, Floor 12, of the Ectosino at 8:00PM tonight," it said, then the text retreated back into Mickey's hand.

"Adult entertainer?" asked Martha. "You know that means stripper, don't you?!"

"D-does it..?" he asked nervously.

"You got a job as a stripper at the Ectosino!" she shouted in his face.

"And you look like a piece of cheddar! How do I quit this job?" Mickey turned to Jack, "do I just pull the chip thing out?"

"It'll leave a nasty scar if you do that," said Jack.

"Leave it for now," said Ten, "We'll probably have to go to the Ectosino anyway, if they think you're an employee all the - hey, what are you doing to my hair?" he turned to Rose, who was pulling something from his hair.

Once removed, it appeared to be a small bit of paper.

"It's a reciept," she said, "for your tattoo. From the Ectosino."

"Right then!" Ten stood up and clapped his hands together, "We're going to go get dressed and then I suppose we'd better go to this Ectosino and have a looksie around!"


	17. Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep

**AN: (I have no idea why I keep sending them to America in random time periods considering I am British and have never been...) I bet you all thought I'd forgotten about the Master! Well, I sort of did. Anyway, he will be arriving promptly. Also to people wondering what happened to Nine, nobody knows. It shall always remain a mystery for you all to speculate about.**

_Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep_

Nine was still too demoralised to go anywhere with them, so he volunteered to stay behind and try and repair the hologram of River while the rest of them dressed properly and locked down the TARDIS so it was running on minimum power - this way it wouldn't have another episode with the Dimestabilisers and try dragging the Master in. And Donna was still sleeping off whatever crazy hangover she had.

They emerged out of the TARDIS as a big group of nine, Jack wearing a wig that made him look like a blond Elvis, colour contacts and a fake beard so he'd be disguised from the people he'd once worked with. The people he'd slept with the previous night had also turned out to be workers from the Ectosino, but they'd left them in an alley near the casino where they'd wake up perfectly fine in a few hours (they'd had to be given sedatives).

While the others had been getting dressed, Eleven had made Clara a cup of coffee under her direction, without any extra spices, and - though she hadn't told him this for fear of increasing his ego - it had been delicious. It was one good thing about them now being permanently married, at least.

"What do I tell Angie and Artie about this ring when we get back?" she asked Eleven, though she was unable to examine the ring particularly well because they were holding hands, attempting to possibly look like a happy couple to the people who'd married them the night before.

"I could put a perception filter on it, but I don't think it would work very well on them," he said. She sighed.

"I'm going to have to tell them, aren't I? Tell them that we went to Vegas in the future, got drunk and married without remembering and it's impossible for the ring to be removed or to get a divorce," she said.

"I wonder why they marry people without papers but you need the papers to get divorced," he mused aloud.

"Dunno," she said, having no idea about the complications of a future-Vegas-wedding.

The group walked in silence down the strip. It was a million times better than any pictures Clara had seen, but those pictures had been from over 100 years ago. The casinos were even bigger, even shinier and still covered in expensive neon. But now there were holograms, too. Beamed high above the casinos were 3D characters and mottos to advertise the joint, and they weren't all one flat colour like the ones for the Ectosino. Some of the most expensive ones didn't even blur or have the trademark static-y background, they were just huge cartoons in the sky.

They were all (apart from Jack and the two Doctors) quite amazed and astounded by the sights they were seeing out in the Nevada desert (at least, she presumed they were in the Nevada desert and Las Vegas hadn't been moved in the last century to somewhere else redish and deserty, like Mars), so much so that as they walked in wondrement they didn't notice they'd arrived before a bright but rather disgusting looking green hotel and casino. It looked like it was govered in gunk - which, she supposed, was the desired effect - but it was disgusting and awful. Why the hell did they go to this casino when there were other, much more glitzy venues?

"Well, this looks..." said Eleven, but he found nothing positive to say, so he settled for "interesting."

"Very interesting. Now, come on. Should be able to find some security footage," said Ten, pulling himself and Rose in first, followed by Jack, followed by Eleven and Clara, followed by Amy and Rory, followed by Mickey the Stripper and Martha.

"What time is it?" asked Mickey. No sooner had he said it than it was beamed up, green and flashy, in front of his face from the chip in the back of his hand. 7:45PM. "I'd better get going to my job!" he said.

"Mickey! No!" said Martha.

"They might know some things! I'll take Captain Cheesecake with me," said Mickey.

"Hey, no complaints from me. Room 619, was it?" he asked Mickey as they both headed off towards another side of the floor to find a lift. Now there were seven.

"Well, we need a way to find the Ghost," said Ten, slightly annoyed they'd lost their guide. But they didn't need guides, they'd just end up anywhere. "What's say we split up and look for clues?"

"How long have you been waiting for a chance to say that?" asked Rose, laughing (she had a black wig on so that she wouldn't be recognised as the girl who stole $200 million from the Ectosino).

"Since I first heard his name," said Ten. "Martha, you come with us and the rest can-"

"Go give Jesus back," said Eleven.

"Yeah... Go give... What?" he asked.

"Nevermind, just a joke. Come on wifey. Have I introduced you to my parents-in-law?" he joked with her, and she couldn't help but laughing and also slightly forgiving him for the fiasco of them getting married. After all, it may not have even been his idea. The quartet went around the edge of the casino, looking for anyone who looked like a guard - any member of staff who wasn't a dealer.

"What if you go cause trouble?" asked Amy.

"Caused trouble how? I'm rubbish at gambling," said Eleven.

"Use your screwdriver on the slots or something," she suggested.

"I'm not going to cheat! Oh look, there's the door to the chapel," he said, pointing. It was a door with a banner above it, reading "Ectosino Chapel", but rather than in the house-style vivid, glowing green, it was in an awful puce colour that was clearly supposed to insight romance. Clara hoped beyond hope they had ulterior motives of going there the night before, she couldn't live with herself if all eleven of them had decided that it looked like a fun place to be.

"It's you two!" shouted someone as soon as they entered the chapel, pointing fearfully at Eleven and Clara. "Stay out! I banned you last night!"

"You see about last night," began Eleven, but found himself cut off when faced with the barrel of a futuristic looking gun. Clara had seen a gun like this in one of her other lives, a deadly pulse gun. "Ah... Well the thing is..." he was trying to explain. "I don't... We... Um... Wedding... Solot... Alcohol..."

"They were so drunk they don't remember a thing," said Amy, annoyed Eleven couldn't form straight sentences.

"Yes! Ah-ha! Thank you, Amelia. That's right, not a thing. Could you remind me what happened?" he asked the person pointing a gun at them.

"You came in here and yelled you wanted to get married without papers so loud we had to do it. Solot rings were your punishment," said the young man, "Refused to leave and somehow stopped us being able to call security!"

"Right. Well, that's curious. I don't suppose you know where we can find Casper Ghost? You see, my friends here seem to have - you'll laugh at this - kidnapped his son! Woke up this morning with your boss' ba-" but the gun was fired. Either the man was a bad shot or Eleven had remarkably quick reflexes, pulling himself and Clara and Amy to the ground and Amy pulling Rory. "Run!" he shouted, "but leave the baby!" Rory put the baby down in the middle of a poker table as they all ran past, knocking over and mixing up all the chips. But this meant the angry players pulled out their own guns and started shooting, too. Then security got involved, and the four of them were caught in a laser gun fight in the middle of a casino.

"Get to the lift!" Eleven shouted to his two companions and his new wife. They didn't waste a moment, getting up and running straight to the lift, but the ran straight into Ten, Rose and Martha.

"FIVE MINUTES!" shouted Ten angrily, "I LEAVE YOU FOR FIVE MINUTES AND YOU START A GUNFIGHT!"

"It wasn't on purpose! How was I supposed to know we got banned!? We returned the baby!" he said.

"I was in the middle of booking a session to get rid of this tattoo without wasting any regeneration energy!" he said as shots flew past them and the lift descended from floor 12. Finally their bickering had to stop as they piled into the lift and both Doctors pulled out their sonics. But what they saw as the doors closed was most unnerving.

_Beep-beep-beep-beep_.

The look in the eyes of both Doctors was terrifying as they listened to the signal. Martha knew it. Clara knew it. The others didn't, but that didn't stop it being very very real.

_Beep-beep-beep-beep_.

Ten punched in the number '12' on the number pad, refusing to say a word as the beeping pattern looped and looped and looped, over and over, the sound of drums, in their heads. In _his_ head. The lift dinged as they arrived and the Doctors ran out, trying to find the right room. They didn't have to look long to find the one with the loud music and girlish laughter coming from.

"JACK!" shouted Ten. To Martha's happiness, Mickey wasn't in the room. He was standing outside. Jack, however, would not pass up such and opportunity. He hammered on the door and yelled. "JACK! HE'S ARRIVED!"

"Who's arrived!?" Jack called. Ten said nothing, but merely amplified the volume of the signal on his screwdriver.

_Beep-beep-beep-beep_.

"Oh God..."


	18. Hide II: Under The Bed

**AN: I'd just like to say thanks because you're all really amazing if you've stuck with this fic so far from the beginning, and if you just started reading it you're still just as amazing for reading this far and not giving up or something. I'd also like to say this is actually my first Doctor Who fanfic, _ever_. I'll probably end up writing loads now. Any suggestions, feel free to tell me because this fic is for all the fans of DW who want this to happen and I'll try and put all suggestions in. Also, no matter what you think from following chapters, this fic is not ending any time soon, because it's just too much fun for me to write and it would break my heart to stop now, especially when there's so much whouffle to canonise. Enjoy :)**

_Hide II: Under The Bed_

"Wrist, now," said Ten. Jack held out his arm and Ten started to fiddle with his vortex manipulator, "GAH! Can't set it to take more than five! Four will have to stay behind."

"It used to take more than five before you started messing with it," said Jack blandly, "and now look, it's come back to bite us all in the butt."

"How do we choose who stays?!" asked Rose urgently.

"You stay, you're in less danger from him here," Ten said to her in a determined voice, "I trust you to keep safe from Ghost." Rose nodded, and kissed his cheek.

"I've fought him before, I'll fight him again," volunteered Martha. "We need two more."

"I'm coming," said Mickey.

"No, you have to stay here. You can fight, this lot can't," Ten said to him.

"They'll need a nurse... probably," said Rory.

"You can't go, I won't lose you," said Amy firmly.

"I'll be fine, two Doctors at least," said Rory.

"You better die for him," Amy said to Jack, "you better jump in front of any bullet that comes his way."

"Yes, ma'am," Jack said, saluting.

"I'll go, I can do more than just change the weather," said Clara, trying to step forward only to find Eleven had a tight grip on her hand and held her back.

"No," he said.

"Sorry?" she asked, taken aback.

"No, you're not going. You're staying here where it's safer. I'll go, three Doctors is better than two," he said, walking over to join Ten, Rory and Martha with their hands on Jack's vortex manipulator.

"No, you can't go!" she said to him.

"I'm sorry, he needs to be stopped," said Eleven.

"No! Doctor!" she shouted, trying to grab him and pull him back, but her hands closed around thin air as they were sucked into space and teleported. "Doctor! DOCTOR! You get back here right now!" she shouted into space, but it was no use.

Rose understood. Ten had gone to fight, and he was her Doctor, just as Eleven was Clara's. Clara remembered the Master, she knew what he had done to the Doctor before, and the thought of it made her eyes glisten as Rose put a comforting arm around her shoulder. She didn't know if she was going to see him again...

"Captain, are you ready to come back in now?" called a girl's voice from the other side of the door of Room 619. Mickey pushed the door open and, without asking the stunned girls occupying the room, shouted at the three outside (who compiled of Rose, Clara and Amy) to all get into the room.

"No sonic, so this is the only room we can get into," said Amy, looking around for hiding spots.

"What's your accent?" asked one of the girls. They were plainly Americans who had probably never left their own country, or at least only gone to a holiday resort in the hotter, wilder parts of Europe.

"Scottish, why? Do they not have Scotland in the future?" asked Amy, searching for anything useful and invading their privacy.

"Oh my stars," said Clara, taking notes of the wild, skimpy costumes they were all wearing, "is this a hen night?!"

"Do you all have weird accents?" asked another girl, addressing Clara now.

"My accent is not weird!" said Clara and Amy at the same time.

"Yeah, you're the weird ones," said Rose, joining Mickey in searching the other half of the room.

"That's Irish, right?" one of the girls asked Rose, who snorted.

"No, I'm from London. We're being chased by casino guards right now, and we don't have any weapons. Do you think you could hide us?" said Rose.

"Do what? I can hardly understand you," said one of them, causing the rest of them to giggle, though they could obviously understand Rose. Unless they really _were_ that stupid.

"If you hide us, we'll make sure Jack comes back and stays with you until you leave the hotel," bribed Clara.

"Two of you can go under the bed, one in the shower and you," she looked to Mickey, "can stay in here." The girl, who was the leader of the group apparently, said it so seriously the change in her was almost terrifying. She was probably quite a rational person when sober.

"I'm gonna go and... talk with my associates... about this..." said Mickey, sidling over to the three girls. "Don't tell Martha about this," he whispered.

"Course not.".

"My lips are sealed."

"Not in 1,000,000 light years." Rose, Clara and Amy all said at once.

"Good," said Mickey, though he gulped as he joined the girls on their sofa as they now resembled wild animals rather than humans. Amy ran off to the bathroom, leaving the Doctors' wives to get under the bed to hide, just as they heard the lift doors opening. One of the Doctors must have jammed it to stall the guards.

"So you definitely don't remember anything from last night?" Rose asked her.

"Honestly, no. Not. A. Thing," said Clara truthfully.

"I said you were gonna end up marrying him," said Rose.

"But when you said that you didn't mean in Vegas," she answered moodily. "You meant some romantic thing, after a huge proposal where you're all invited to the Doctor's wedding. With bridesmaids and flowers and a cake and a dress. Not 'hey Clara, we're both drunk, let's go to the dodgiest casino in Las Vegas and force them to marry us!'."

"How do you know he _didn't_ make a huge proposal..?" asked Rose.

"Because he's the Doctor, and it just wouldn't happen," she sighed, _However much I would like_, she added to herself in her head.

"He proposed to _me_. Took me to Bad Wolf Bay, stood me on the beach. I had to finish his sentence, he couldn't get the words out," Rose said fondly, smiling faintly at the memories with a saddened look hiding behind her eyes. "Started talking about Gallifrey and Daleks and Cybermen. He wanted to get married in the TARDIS though. We don't have a TARDIS, so we had to make do with a church. He doesn't know where I am right now..."

"Did he see you vanish?" asked Clara.

"Dunno. I was in the kitchen. He might have had his back turned, I wasn't paying attention. Bacon was burning. Mum was in the shower. Tony was crying," said Rose.

"Tony?" asked Clara.

"Mum and Dad's son. My brother, I suppose. Maybe half brother. Tentoo and me never figured it out. He's five now. Five years since I saw the Doctor, and he barely says hello or even looks at me..."

"When we went to Trenzalore, River was speaking to me with a psychic link the whole time. It wasn't until after I jumped into his time stream and he thought I was dead that he spoke to her. He shouldn't have been able to see her at all, and he pretended he couldn't until he had to talk," said Clara.

"Why?" asked Rose.

"Because he said it would hurt him too much to speak to her," she said. After a pause, she thought of something happier than her husband and his widow, "My Doctor said that the Snogbox is everywhere in space and time at once," said Clara, "maybe it can get into the parallel world?"

"That's if this Master doesn't kill them," said Rose, "what did he do?"

"Took over the world," said Clara, "the last time he was here. Killed billions, including me. People weren't supposed to remember, but I do. He burned Japan. Turned the planet into a weapon, wanted to start a war with the universe. Then his wife shot him, and to have the last laugh, he didn't regenerate. He came back again, but you'll have to ask the Doctor about that time. I didn't have an echo there and I just don't remember it..."

"And they've just left us here. Gone of to fight some maniac, and we're stuck in a casino trying to figure out what happened last night. Why would I want to steal that much money?" Rose mused.

"Dunno. Maybe you were gonna buy something?" suggested Clara.

"Like a prototype of an interdimensional phone?" said Rose jokingly.

"Exactly, like a... what?"

"A prototype of an interdimensional phone. I saw an ad for one last... last night!" said Rose.

"Isn't this too early for that technology?!" demanded Clara as Rose crawled out from under the bed.

"They could get through to this world physically back home," said Rose, "100 years in your future maybe they're just selling these, to call? If I had one, I could talk to the Doctor!"

"That doesn't explain why the rest of us were here making scenes!" argued Clara, following Rose out to hopefully stop her running into security.

"Maybe you were trying to make distractions? Or maybe you did actually want to marry the Doctor? I don't know, but we sho-"

"YOU TWO! Hands up!" shouted a guard. They'd exited the bedroom when suddenly there were guns pointing at them from all sides.

"I can get you the money back, I swear!" said Rose.

"Money? What money?!" asked one of them, clearly confused. Rose shuffled awkwardly.

"Nice going, they didn't recognise you!" said Clara angrily.

"The, err... $200 million I may have... borrowed..?" she tried.

"Tell me why I shouldn't just shoot you both?!" growled the guard.

"Because we - the four of us - can get you all the money back! I'll take you to where it's hidden!" Rose said desperately.

"Four of you?"

"There's me, her, him and another in there," said Rose pointing to herself, then Clara, then Mickey, and finally the bathroom. "As the Doctor would say - 'Allons-y'!"


	19. Saw XIX

**AN: End of this chapter and start of next chapter are the promised flashback chapters (did you really think I wouldn't even explain a _little_ of their night?). Enjoy :) P.S. Someone asked me if I have a tumblr and the answer is yes it's under the same name (thats-messed-up-bro).**

_Saw XIX_

"Here we are, just inside this police box," said Rose once they arrived at the TARDIS, which was sheltered in an alleyway. "It's part of a gimmick for a new casino based on... 1950s England..." she said rather unconvincingly.

"Police box? Why ain't it called a cop box?" asked one of Ectosino security, who sounded like he was from New York.

"I call it a Snogbox," said Clara, almost being able to feel the hatred radiating from the blue box before them.

"Snogbox? What does that mean?"

And it seemed every single one of them had some sort of psychic moment, because they all answered exacty the same thing at the same time: "I'd show you if I wasn't married," then they couldn't help but laugh loudly.

"Goddamn British humour..." mumbled the man.

Rose walked up to the TARDIS and unlocked the door with the key she still owned.

"Always have it," she said, "Just in case..." she pushed open the door and went in, Clara going second so she wouldn't get locked out. However, what they found when they entered the TARDIS was horrifying.

The central column was glowing faintly orange, the glass broken and power cables fixed inside leading into multiple screens hanging all around the console room, buzzing with static rather than showing an actual picture. The console itself was torn apart, levers tied together, lying on the floor or scattered carelessly aside, buttons missing and the computer monitor displaying just one thing; coordinates. Coordinates Clara recognised as those of Gallifrey. But they were flashing red, and the machine wasn't moving.

Nobody said a word as the TARDIS made a sound that was almost a wheeze. It sounded like it was in pain. Mickey closed the door behind him. At the click the closing door made, the machine groaned, the dull amber glow sparked and darkened and all the screens lit up with his face.

The Master's face.

"Hello, boys and girls!" his gloating voice rang out, "welcome to the new TARDIS! I thought about changing the desktop theme to something more evil, but she wouldn't let me so I have to make do with this. Now, I wanna play a game," he mimicked Jigsaw, "have you seen those films? They give you very good ideas for what to do with eight prisoners."

"Bit useless then, weren't they?" said Amy. "The other five."

"They should have followed my advice then. You're racing," said the Master, "you're racing another team! This is fun, isn't it? Master of the Doctor, his machine and aaall his little friends. On Team One - if the records are correct - we have Donna Noble!" he played a sound effect of cheering from somewhere, "Rory Williams! Professor River Song - who is now, thankfully, repaired - and finally Martha Jones! Been a long time, Martha." He was obviously speaking to the 'Team One' at the same time. "And on Team Two we have Mickey Smith! Clara Oswald! Amelia Pond and Rose Tyler! Oh, look at that, it would seem two of you are playing against your spouses! And finally, the prizes themselves, the Immortal Man Captain Jack Harkness! The Ninth Doctor himself, all the way from 200100! The Tenth Doctor, who I just saw a few minutes ago before my death! And finally, the Eleventh Doctor with his two wives, one of them already dead. But will it stay like that or will they both be gone by the end of the game?"

"You're sick! This is inhuman!" screamed Martha from somewhere, her voice echoing back to them.

"I haven't even explained the rules yet! Besides, three of our prizes aren't human. All four of them are, however, gagged. I couldn't stand them talking," he said.

"You're both starting from opposite ends of the TARDIS, and the TARDIS is so powered down she can't help you at all. Multiple challenges around the maze for you to complete. Not riddles, I hate riddles. Just a simple game, barely a maze really, you're not trying to get to the centre. But, for every hour you take, you'll have play head to head and the loser is eliminated, to keep things interesting. Have fuu-uun!" he sang, then the screens returned to static.

"We can't play against them!" said Rose.

"We have to save the Doctors," said Mickey, "Let's just go..." he said, clearly trying not to cry because it was possible he could lose his wife that day. And so they started their journey through the TARDIS, but as long as it didn't involve going to the centre of the machine she wasn't that bothered about the corridor crawling. Not yet, anyway.

The corridor had been straight for around ten minutes, until they reached their first fork.

"Left or right?" asked Mickey, who'd taken point.

"Does anyone have a coin?" asked Clara, knowing she had no money herself.

"I have a poker chip?" suggested Rose, fishing one from the Ectosino out of her poket. It was then, fumbling in her pocket, she remembered she had a black wig on. She pulled it off and dropped it to the floor while handing the chip to Mickey.

"Ghost goes right," he said, glancing at both sides and seeing one had the value of the chip on and the other a little ghost. He tossed it and it landed on the ground, all four of them leaning over to see it. "Ghost," he said, stooping to pick it back up before leading them to the right.

They continued going in complete silence, just their footsteps echoing against the metal, tossing the chip whenever a corner came up. Time was passing and nothing had happened yet, so they kept going and going and getting faster and faster until they turned a sharp corner and were faced with a door with a button on the right and a red flashing light above.

"No!" objected Clara, pulling Mickey's hand away as he reached for the button, "we have to go back!"

"What are you talking about, it's just a door," said Mickey.

"Don't touch it!" she said, "last time I opened a door in here with a big flashing light above it I was chased out! By fire!" Mickey put the back of his hand against the door.

"Cold," he said.

"Mickey, I don't think that metal's gonna heat up," said Rose. "There could be anything on the other side though."

"Red flashing light means danger," said Clara.

"But what if he changed it?" said Mickey.

"But what if he didn't?" said Rose.

"We'll have to chance it," said Amy, "toss the chip."

"But we can't go back! It's ages til another fork! What if I lose Martha?!" yelled Mickey.

"What if I lose Rory?!" said Amy, her eyes sparkling and slightly red. "Just... just toss the chip..." she looked away and wrapped her arms around eachother to hug herself.

"Money. We go back," said Mickey after tossing the chip and catching it. They all turned back, but were faced with the same sharp turn and the door. Behind them, where the door had been moments ago, was the corridor they had attempted to go down.

"Okay... that's weird," said Amy, trying to turn back, but as Clara turned too she saw the door again, and behind her the corridor. "I think we have to go through."

"Ya think?" said Mickey, hitting the button on the door. They braced themselves, but they came into view with what looked like a mirror. They saw themselves, but there was no glass, and the air was rippling slightly.

"Are they reflections..?" asked Amy, moving side to side, but the other Amy was completely still. Then the Other Mickey tossed a chip and caught it and they ran off, but as soon as they rounded the corner they were running back. Other Amy mouthed something, she and Other Clara looking back, then Other Mickey hit the button.

"That's the past," said Rose, "it just happened. Why are we watching the past?"

"Uh-oh," said Clara, "the TARDIS is leaking time... again."

"Again?!" asked Rose, shocked.

"Yes, again. It crashed and there was the past and the future and... It's all hazy. But it was bad, and it's happening again!"

"Do you think we can walk through it?" asked Amy, looking at her very recent self edgily. Clara shrugged.

"Dunno. Throw something through?" she suggested. But as soon as she suggested that the past versions vanished.

"Let's go through then," said Mickey, taking the first step across the threshold of the door. He leaned over and planted himself on the other side. They held their breaths, but nothing happened. Everyone sighed with relief and gingerly followed him over into more corridors.

As they proceeded, past versions of themselves flickered and acted out the past in front of them. Sometimes the images were not even of the group, but the others lost somewhere in the TARDIS. There was that morning inside the ship having their stressful breakfast with Rose crying at the table about the stolen chips, Clara yelling about her new husband and Martha pointing at her face, but then they moved on to the previous night. The night none of them could remember.

It started with the worst, latest parts of the evening. They saw Amy and Rory, completely drunk and walking into walls and doors, clutching the son of Casper Ghost and speaking about him being River's new brother. They saw Ten showing off his tattoo for Rose, and the latter looking for somewhere to stash the cash she'd stolen. They saw Martha hitting Mickey for becoming a stripper, but missing and punching Clara straight in the face (which made her rub her black eye and frown), but then Clara had started to try and fight Martha and Eleven had jumped in to stop it happening (face lipstick covered at this point in time and wedding ring present), but Clara had also missed hermark and punched her own husband in the face. Nine ran past, filthy and disgusting, shouting something about a cow field. But that was it until they got earlier and earlier into the evening, still tossing the chip at forks and trying not to pay attention to the echoes.

Although thankfully, this early in the evening, most of the echoes were of tipsy versions of themselves that weremerely dancing at whatever party Jack had thrown (Jack himself absent from their look at the past).Amy and Rory dancing. Mickey and Martha dancing. Ten and Rose dancing. River swaying with herself because she was still a hologram. But then, to Clara's discomfort, she was twirled into their sight from around a corner by Eleven.

"Clara Oswald..." he said, clearly drunk, "Clara _Oswin _Oswald!" already, the present Clara was a mess of embarrassment. "Cloosswiwaaald!" he slurred it out, which made Drunk Clara laugh and Present Clara to groan. She knew how stupid she acted when she was drunk.

"Elevoocctoor!" she said back, giggling and (which just made Present Clara even _more_ angry (if that were possible)) hiccuping.

"Your name... is... _soo _funny!" said Eleven, words tripping over themselves. Drunk Clara laughed at this and stumbled slightly as he tried to twirl her again. "_My_ name should be funny, _too_!" he said.

"Your name _is _ funny," she slurred. He snorted and they both started to laugh. _Please let it end soon_, Present Clara prayed silently.

"Yeah, but I want _your _funny name," he chuckled.

"Noo, iss MY name. Not yourss," argued Drunk Clara. "Maybe _I_ want _your_ name, Doctor!" Drunk Eleven seemed to take this completely the wrong way (unless it hadn't been the wrong way and Drunk Clara was just being obscenely obvious). He pushed her back a little and dropped to both his knees, before noticing he was doing it wrong and lifting one back up.

"Maarry me, Impossssible Girlll, and _have_ my name!"


	20. Past Lives Are Over-Rated

**AN: No, I am not ending this fic after they defeat the Master (though it would be a sensible place, I'm not just going to end this fic, I'm atually not going to despite how final the next few chapters sound), and hopefully a more stable plot will soon emerge (I don't plan ahead, normally something just forms).**

_Past Lives Are Over-Rated_

"So _that's_ how it happened," said Amy after Drunk Clara declared something mostly ineligable, but there was definitely a 'yes' and a 'Chinny' in her sentence, then they had both started to passionately kiss (getting lipstick on Eleven's face) and had flickered into non-existence. At that moment, Present Clara wished the world would swallow her up. She was never going to hear the end of this. She hoped Angie never found out about her marriage to the Doctor.

"Yes, apparently. Can we move on now?" she said. "At least I didn't steal a baby."

"We gave the baby back," argued Amy, but Clara just ignored her as they kept walking through the corridors.. Before anything else could be said, however, the Master's voice boomed thourgh the corridors from an unknown source and into their ears.

"One hour up! Let's see who's going to be playing first! It's Naked Mickey!" he said, to silence. "Cheer, or you all die," he added seriously. At once claps errupted from both teams, the opposition's echoing through a speaker wherever the Master was. "Good! Oh, look at this... Well that _is_ interesting... Imagine, random numbers coming up with _that_ result... But it isn't random numbers! It's Holy Martha!" more cheers.

"NO! NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" yelled Mickey, his voice cracking slightly at the thought of having to fight against his own wife. But the floor opened below him and he was sucked in, the hole closing back up so quickly none of the second team had any clue what had really happened, one minute he was there, the next he was gone. Then walls sprouted up around them, enclosing them together and one of the walls was lit up with an image that was spliced with another, showing two identical rooms. In the doorway of the one on top was Mickey, in the doorway of the one on the bottom was Martha. In the centre of the room was a Dalek, facing the other way, and behind it, leaning on it's back, was a huge gun capable of killing it.

"This is a game I like to call 'Blind Dalek's Bluff'!" he said happily, his insanity shining through.

"Where did you get a Dalek!?" asked Rose, disbelieving the TARDIS had just made a Dalek for the Master, or that it was even capable of making a Dalek at all, let alone in its current state.

"You'd be suprised what's just lying around this ship of his," the Master answered her in a menacing tone. "The rules are: Kill the Dalek! But, if it hears you and turns around, then _it_ kills _you_! First one to kill it wins, or you both die. Begin!" A claxon went of somewhere. At the sound of the claxon both Daleks turned around instantly.

"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" both of them were shouting at different times, causing Clara's ears to ring. Seeing the Daleks was an experience she would not soon forget, the memories of Oswin overwhelming her at that point. Mickey and Martha both dove to avoid the Dalek, but the creature was too fast for Mickey. He was shot and killed by the monster. Still, however, Martha's game went on. She lunged for the gun that had fallen to the floor as the Dalek had turned around, grabbing it and rolling again to the other side. But she fired and missed and it located her, shooting her dead too. Her scream rang out as the screens went dead and the walls disappeared so they were no longer forced to watch.

"Well. That was fast," said the Master, "I was hoping for something a bit slower, but they're together now. In another place..." he almost sounded sincere, until he burst out laughing, "I'm sorry, I couldn't keep it up any long!" he said, howling with laughter from wherever his control box was. "Carry on... See you in an hour! I'll try to think of something more lengthy!" and his voice cut.

They were shaken. They'd just witnessed two people die. Two people murdered. By the Master. And then he'd laughed. Clara had almost forgotten how sick he was as they struggled forwards, all finding it hard to walk or stay straight, Rose with her hand running along the wall and Amy taking baby steps forward.

They turned a corner and reached a door. It didn't have a warning light above it like the previousy one, but there was no way back. They were all too scared to argue about turning around or to do anything except just push the button on the side and go in. It opened and they were faced with sheer blackness. They couldn't see the room within, just a blackness. But there had been no forks and the corridors before the first 'challenge' were now sealed off. The door was the only way forward, and Clara, who was in the most lucid state of them, went first.

As soon as she entered the room the door was gone and it was completely dark. She spun around, there was no light anywhere, yet she could see her hands in perfect clarity if she raised them in front of her face. She walked forwards, her footsteps echoing, looking for anything at all in the mysterious, ghostly plane.

Then she heard the echo. In time with her own footsteps. She stopped, they stopped. She ran, they ran. Her footfalls being matched. She stood completely still, and took a deep breath.

"It's just a trick..." she whispered to herself, "It's just a trick..." and she spun around to be faced with - "Oswin?!"

"What's just a trick?" asked the other girl, standing just metres away from Clara and wearing her trademark red dress that she had worn for her entire, year long imprisonment inside a Dalek. But how was she here, in the TARDIS?

"You're a trick!" said Clara, backing away from her echo.

"You're me, aren't you?" said Oswin, matching her steps to maintain the distance.

"Sort of," said Clara quickly.

"But you are, right?" said Oswin.

"And I said _sort of_. It's complicated," said Clara.

"Try me," said Oswin.

"No!" said Clara. She wasn't going to be patronised by... herself. _That sounded weird_, she thought.

"Why? Is it because I'm a genius? It is isn't it," said Oswin, not waiting for Clara's answer.

"Alright, yes, that's why!" she answered truthfully after not being able to think of a reason. Oswin smiled to herself. "Wonderful, now I'm talking to myself."

"No, _I'm_ talking to myself. _You're_ me, not the other way around," said Oswin.

"Actually no, I am the definitive and original Clara," said Clara.

"That's because I'm not Clara, am I? I'm Oswin. Different name," said Oswin. How did people ever put up with her, she thought, she seemed rather stuck up. Or at least, Oswin did. To her. Even though they were the same person. _My head_, she groaned internally.

"It doesn't matter, what matters is how are you even here?" asked Clara.

"Don't know. Where is here?" asked Oswin.

"Somewhere in the TARDIS."

"Really? How much more is there?" said a third, yet also identical voice to Clara's right. It was the Victorian echo that had been killed by the Ice Lady, staring around the black room curiously.

"How did you get here?!" demanded Clara.

"Also, who are you? Are you another one of me?" asked Oswin.

"How many times, you've got it the wrong way! You're both _my_ echoes, _I'm_ the one who jumped into the Eleventh Doctor's time stream, not either of you!" she exclaimed.

"Are we in his time stream now?" asked Victorian Clara.

"What? No," said Clara. "I went into some room, and now you two have just popped up out of nowhere."

"Maybe you're the one who 'popped up'," said Oswin, "Maybe this is in your head."

"It probably is! Some psychic thing or something, I don't know! The Master is trying to get us all to fight against each other and this is probably another challenge," said Clara.

"So what's the challenge?" asked yet another voice, coming from Clara's left now.

"Wonderful, now there's all the compass points," she muttered sarcastically, getting annoyed now that her other selves kept appearing. Was this how Eleven felt, hanging around with a bunch of people all the same as him? _At least they look different_, thought Clara.

"There are sixteen compass points," said Oswin. Clara glared at her and turned to the new arrival, who was the version of Clara that was a Time Lady. She hoped not all of her echoes were going to turn up.

"I don't know, maybe it's to put up with you lot!" said Clara.

"What have I done!?" asked Oswin, offended.

"You're just..."

"A genius?" suggested Oswin. Clara glared at her. "If this is in your head why don't you just imagine a computer appearing?"

"I can't, I'm banned from the computer and the stupid Snogbox probably _still_ holds a grudge against me right now," said Clara.

"Why are you banned?" asked Time Lady Clara, "and why does she hold a grudge? I chose her for him!"

"I don't know, I'm not going to ask it! All it does is lock me out," said Clara.

"Don't call her an 'it' then!" argued Time Lady Clara."Why are you banned!?"

"The Doctor banned me because I pretended to be a Dalek and trick the others into thinking the TARDIS had been invaded. It was their own fault though, they should _not_ have been saying I go out with him," she said, annoyed. And then three versions of herself started questioning her.

"But do you?" asked Victorian Clara, "After what happened in that corridor..."

"The Doctor, dating a Dalek..." said Oswin.

"How long has this been for?" asked Time Lady Clara. Clara groaned, knowing she probably had something more to do than have the second most epic identity crisis of all time.

"Since last night, okay? And it's not dating, it's marriage, they're two very different things," she said, though she instantly regretted the three calls of '_MARRIAGE!?_' from all her other selves. "We were drunk! And in Las Vegas! In the future! With Captain Jack Harkness! And we just haven't figured out a way to get the rings off yet without mutilating ourselves."

"Solot rings!?" exclaimed Oswin.

"Yes, actually," said Clara, "but that's not important, I'm pretty sure I'm not here to get advice from my past lives about how to get a ring off. There must be something I have to do."

"You should probably tell us all about your secret Doctor-feelings," advised Victorian Clara. She sighed and they all looked at her expectantly.

"You're not gonna help me until I tell you everything, are you?" she moaned.

"Nope," answered the three of them together. They really were all the same person.

* * *

"And that's everything that's happened," said Clara after what felt like a very long time talking about nothing more than her and the Doctor and all the stupid, embarrassing things that had happened to them both ever since they met, and also managing to convince the three of them that she was, in fact, the definitive version of Clara Oswin Oswald and they were all in her head.

"So we," said Oswin, collecting the four of them (no more had appeared) in her speech, "are in love with the Doctor."

"WHAT!? No! That's not what I said!" said Clara defensively.

"Yes it is," said Oswin, "in subtext. Trust me, I'm a-"

"Genius. We heard you the past hundred times," said Time Lady Clara. "Maybe it was a journey of self-discovery, and we have to bring you to terms with your love for the Doctor?"

"What are you talking about, there _is_ no 'love for the Doctor'!" she objected, "he can't even make decent coffee! Just drop it and help me figure out how to leave you and never speak to any of you again."

"What do you have against us?" asked Victorian Clara.

"You're annoying," said Clara.

"You're annoying!" argued Victorian Clara back. "I'm sure if you admit it to us then you can go." Clara sighed. She really didn't want to spend any more time with her past selves, she also really didn't know how the Doctor coped with it.

_The Doctor_... She'd saved his life hundreds, if not thousands, of times. She couldn't even remember most of her past lives, the three sat in front of her were the clearest of all of them. She'd jumped into his time stream and died a thousand times to save his life. Maybe they were right, maybe that was a sign of loving him. She certainly couldn't imagine her life without him in it, coming along every Wednesday to whisk her away to a place in the stars, show her something fantastic, brilliant, or awesome. Every day the same routine of her life revolving around the Maitlands, dreaming about travelling to 101 different places all around the world instead of being able to make a phonecall and just go there in any time period and any planet. But her memories weren't of the places, they were of the Doctor and her being in those places. Not the sights - although of course, they were beautiful - but the fun and adventures they had stuck in her mind so much more than the scenery. Maybe Drunk Clara of the night before had the right idea about the Doctor, maybe... Maybe it was true... Maybe she, Clara Oswald, loved -

She gasped and opened her eyes, the blackness gone.


	21. It Isn't Just The Angels Weeping

**AN: I apologise in advance for this chapter, _please_ don't stop reading, 22 will be up on the same day whether 23 is finished or not. (WARNING: EMOTIONAL TRAUMA IN THIS CHAPTER)**

_It Isn't Just The Angels Weeping_

Clara found herself flat on the floor and boiling hot, like she had a fever. Her face was sweaty and one side of her head was pounding like someone had punched it. Had she fallen over? She dabbed her hand on the side. _Blood_. She must have.

She saw a wall nearby and crawled towards it, propping herself up and being able to take in whatever it was she was looking at. Amy and Rose were also lying on the floor, as though they had all just fainted upon entry of the certain room in the TARDIS. She coughed as she took deep breaths, taking note of the small pool of blood on the floor.

"Rose! Amy!" she shouted at them both. "ROSE! AMY!" she shouted again when there was no answer. They both gasped loudly too, taking deep breaths like they hadn't taken a breath for hours. Rose propped herself up on her hands, coughing, her blonde hair stained red, too. But there wasn't nearly as much blood on her head as there was on Clara's. Amy, however, coughed some blood onto the floor, her nose bruised and bent out of shape, her forehead also purple.

"Two hours up!" the Master's voice cackled. They'd been knocked out for nearly an hour, and they'd been stuck in this tiny room, and now they were all injured. "From Team One, it's... Rory Pond! And from Team Two - now that _is_ a surprise... Rose Tyler!" Rose gasped, "no, I'm just kidding. From Team Two, it's... Amelia Pond!"

"No! You can't make me!" screamed Amy, terrified and furious at the same time, tears starting to stream down her face while she tried to get to her feet. Rose moved desperately away from her so she wouldn't get sucked down into the floor as it opened below Amy. She screamed as she fell and the two challenge rooms were projected onto the wall opposite Clara and Rose, who were both crying silently themselves for the loss that was about to happen.

There were the two rooms, either side on the projection. At one end, the end where the camera was situated, stood the room's Pond. At the other end of both stood a weeping angel. There were small dry walls placed around the room, each one with a light switch on them. At the moment, the lights were on and the Ponds were staring, fearful, at the Angels.

"I call this game "Don't Blink _or_ Turn Out The Lights"! Because, you see, there are two creatures here! Or rather, there are 500,001. One of those is the shamed Time Lord you're facing. The other is the Vashta Nerada, tiny, flesh eating monsters! Some of those shadows are safe, some are infested! And some of the light switches are broken! Get to the door on the other side of the room. You'll figure it out as you go along." he said.

"I won't do it," said Amy, remaining on the floor where she had landed, "I won't!"

"Then you'll die anyway," said the Master, sounding slightly bored when neither of his competitors moved of tried to take part in his game. "At least you have a chance of winning if you play."

"But if I lose him then I'm not winning," said Amy.

"Oh, this is _cute_! I'm going to let you hear eachother," said the Master.

"Amy? Can you hear me?" said Rory from his screen on the right.

"Yeah," sniffed Amy.

"I won't play," said Rory, "I... I can't play." The lights flickered once. When they came back on the Angel had moved halfway towards the Ponds and the shadows had shifted out closer to them.

"I can't either," said Amy. They were both sobbing uncontrollably now, "How many times have I had to say goodbye to you?" she laughed slightly, a strained sound. Rory laughed slightly too.

"Too many," he said. The lights flickered again in both rooms, the angels ever closer.

"I can't watch..." said Rose, putting her hands over her face and crying.

"I thought we'd said it for nearly the last time," said Amy in a tiny, high voice.

"Don't cry," said Rory, trying to do his best to comfort his wife who was in a completely different room. He couldn't even see her.

"Don't tell me not to cry, I'm dying, Rory!" said Amy as the lights flashed again. Both of them staggered back a few paces against the wall, staying out of the shadows and the Angel's reach for a few more precious seconds.

"I love you, Amy," said Rory after another flash, unable to move side ways because the vashta nerada were closing in, inches from his feet, and the Angel's face was warped into a scream, her hands almost at his throat.

"I love you too," said Amy. The lights flashed one more time. When they came back on, the rooms were completely in shadow, the Angels were glaring at the screens, and the Ponds were gone. The projection died and the door grew back out of the opposite wall. Rose and Clara were both allowing tears to run down their faces, streaking the makeup and stinging the eyes.

"There's no point," said Clara eventually. They had been sat in complete silence for a while. She didn't know how long, but she didn't want to move. Her head still hurt, physically from her injury and also from the pain of losing four people in just two hours. Four _friends_. "We're going to die no matter what happens."

"He said we could get to the middle," said Rose.

"There probably isn't even a middle," said Clara, "It probably goes around in circles. It'll never stop, not until we're all dead."

"What did you see?" Rose asked a while later.

"See when?"

"When we all fainted. I had a sort of vision. Different mes," said Rose, "trying to tell me something."

"What do you mean?" asked Clara. Rose hadn't jumped into the Doctor's time stream and died a thousand times, how could she have past lives?

"I saw me as a child," said Rose, "I saw me just before I met the Doctor. And I saw the Bad Wolf."

"I saw a few of my other lives," said Clara, "I saw Oswin, the total-screaming-genius who was also a Dalek. Then I saw me as a Time Lady. And I saw the Victorian version of me. They were trying to convince me I'm in love with the Doctor."

"Are you?" asked Rose.

"I'm not having this conversation a second time," said Clara firmly. Rose sighed. Neither of them were in any mood to press matters, or talk about themselves. It felt a little selfish, given what had already happened.

"They were trying to get me to tell my family where I am. To tell Mum, Dad, the other Doctor. I kept telling them I don't know how without that phone," said Rose.

"I'm sure the Doctor can drop you off minutes after you left," said Clara.

"If I survive," said Rose.

"If you survive," confirmed Clara. The pair of them spoke for the entire hour, shifting occasionally to try and relieve the aching. Clara was sure she'd done something to her ankle when she'd fallen, it was blue and bruised and painful even when there was no pressure on it. They spoke about their adventures with the Doctor, they spoke about the funny things he did sometimes, they spoke about the TARDIS and speculated about why it hated Clara so much, they even spoke about what they had done before they had met the Doctor and their childhoods. But it came to an end far too quickly, feeling more like fifteen minutes than an entire hour of trying to escape from their inevitable fate.

"That's three hours completely down the drain for you. Aaaand I wonder who's up for game number three? From Team One it's no other than the Eleventh Doctor's first wife, Professor River Song! And from Team Two – well, who else could it be? – it's Clara Oswald, the Eleventh Doctor's second wife!"

**AN: Next chapter up in less that three hours, I'm not cruel enough to keep you waiting that long.**


	22. Rivers, Ponds and Pools

_Rivers, Ponds and Pools_

Clara was falling through darkness, wind whistling past her. She didn't know if it was going to hurt when she landed, nor did she have any idea where she was going. Only that she was going to have to go up against River, and it was probably going to be a task so impossible and dangerous that she would be killed within minutes.

She landed on something large and rubbery and... bouncy? Wherever she was wasn't dark at all, it was, in fact, brightly lit. She opened her eyes, to be faced with blindingly bright colours. Red, yellow, blue and green were just some of the rainbow that were being splashed across her eyes, making her dizzy as she tried to get to her feet, avoiding putting weight on her swollen ankle.

"This is a game I like to call 'Bounce Or Die'!" said the Master. "The 'Or Die' part is a little dramatic. It's a race, if you don't move then you'll lose. Just a simple race through a bouncy castles. Didn't have bouncy castles on Gallifrey, did we Doctor? ... Oh, I forget, you can't answer. Go!" he shouted. A claxon sounded from a space somewhere and Clara started to limp forwards.

A bouncy castle. The Master was too unpredictable, but she couldn't help be glad it seemed like a slightly easier challenge than the past two. The inflatable course was floating in a pool. On the other side of the pool was one that looked more or less identical, but Clara sometime's saw River's holographic form flitting through the gaps.

She kept going, slipping and making her ankle worse and worse, confusing herself every time she turned and gravity was flipped on it's head. She barely knew what way was up sometimes, she just kept fighting forwards, through forest-like clumps of rubber, over large barriers and down a slide or two, struggling painfully up a netted wall just to fall and land on her bad leg each time.

But this happened once too many. She felt something snap in her leg. A tendon, a ligament, maybe a bone, she didn't know. But it caused her to scream and fall askew on the ground.

"What is it?!" she heard River shout from her course. They seemed to be about level, which was odd. Surely River could go straight through everything, her being a hologram. Sinister. But Clara didn't have time to think about that, she was in terrible pain and she didn't know how she could carry on. She couldn't hop, she supposed she could crawl?

"My ankle! I don't know what's wrong with it!" she answered.

"Hey, hey, hey! No talking to each other, that's cheating. You do that again and you both lose," said the Master. He sounded like he'd been distracted for a moment. Probably taunting the Doctors and Jack, wherever he was keeping them. Clara glanced at the clock on the wall of the room that resembled a public pool but on a vastly bigger scale.

"It's twenty past? How can it have been twenty minutes since we started?" she asked. "Hello!? Master?!"

"What?" he said coldly, unamused.

"How long have I been on this course?!"

"Twenty three minutes," he said.

"But I've barely moved!" she said, looking back. It stretched further than she could see, but if she looked outside of the castle, she was merely a metre from the edge of the pool where she had started, maybe not even that.

"Did I forget to explain? It's bigger on the inside," he said, then he started to laugh maniacally. The sound sent chills through her spine. She could never finish the course. "Oh, also, the water's electric. Don't try and swim." She was trapped. She knew she was trapped. She couldn't get out.

"JUMP IN THE POOL!" a voice shouted.

"YOU! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GAGGED!" roared the Master.

"THE POOL, BOTH OF YOU! JUMP IN THE-" but the voice, that had clearly been Eleven's, cut off. The Master did not return. It even felt like his presence had gone from the room, at least temporarily. What had Eleven meant? Surely he couldn't actually have meant jump in the electrified pool, she'd die! River would die! But... wouldn't she die anyway? Starve? Bleed to death? Her head and leg were getting no better, she was a mess of trauma...

She looked to her right to see River standing right on the edge of the bouncy castle and peering into the water.

"River! What are you doing?!" she demanded, crawling to the edge and wincing every time she had to move her bad leg.

"What he says," she replied.

"You can't jump in there, you'll die!"

"I'm already dead, Clara. I died in the Library. But I trust him enough to do what he says now," said River. "See you around." And, without another word, she fell forwards into the water.

"NO!" Clara howled after her, reaching out as a reflex, but as soon as the hologram that was River song hit the water, she turned to static and vanished, leaving Clara completely alone.

She stayed frozen in that position for a long time, her hand stretched out, about to enclose something. Her other hand keeping her anchored on the bouncy castle. Her sore ankle slightly raised so that it wouldn't bob around with the inflatable's natural rhythm. It was completely silent. She knew Rose was watching her right then. She knew Donna was probably watching her right then. The three Doctors, and Jack were probably watching her right then. She found herself wondering how much electrocution hurt. Was it instant? Or was it agony? But the Doctor had told her to jump. _Her_ Doctor had told her to jump. Surely she should always follow his advice, whatever woes it brought her, even if the woe was death? She certainly couldn't see herself making it out of this bouncy castle alive, and she couldn't see the Master sparing her and letting her get out. _No,_ she thought, _it's the only way_.

"Goodbye," she said simply, before letting herself dive into the water.

There was no pain. There was just the end. But then... it didn't end. That confused her a lot. Was she dead? She didn't feel dead... In fact, she felt like she was just waking up.

For the second time that day she found herself gasping for breath and flailing around wildly, trying to open her eyes.

"Calm down!" said a familiar voice in a whisper, "you're safe here!"

"Amy!?" Clara said.

"Yes, shh! Be quiet, or he'll find us!" she said. Clara managed to open her eyes finally. Her head felt miles better. Her damaged leg didn't feel painful any more. She tried to move her foot and found it obeyed without any trouble.

"What's going on?" Clara whispered to Amy, whose nose was straight again and the bruise atop her head was gone.

"We don't know, but none of us are dead, look," Amy swept her arm. There was Rory, holding her hand by her side. There was River, standing close to her parents. Then there were Mickey and Martha, sat in a corner of the incredibly dark room and holding each other.

**AN: See, look, the Ponds are not dead. You can stop hating me now :)**


	23. Song & Oswald

**AN: Rather a light-hearted chapter here to stop your sadness (I do deeply apologise for that, by the way). I'm not sure how dark the following 2 maybe 3 will be, but I **_**promise**_** it gets fluffy after that :) (INCREDIBLY FLUFFY!)**

**Secondly, I am going to keep it going in the episodic format it's taken. So far I suppose there are about five of these 'episodes', and it's more fun to write short adventures than one very long one, and it can't get tedious when it's so difficult to juggle characters anyway.**

_Song & Oswald_

"Do you actually have no idea where we are?" Clara said, keeping in hushed tones though.

"We're in a console room, but it's dead," said River, looking around.

"I'll go look for a computer then," she said, getting up to look too. She paced around the console that she could only see when standing right by it, searching for any kind of light. River, who was the only other one who knew how to properly work and fly a TARDIS, joined her.

"This is the Tenth Doctor's console room," said Clara, looking at the patterns and the coral theme she recognised from the time stream of Eleven. She knew there was a computer somewhere on the console, but she still couldn't see the controls and didn't know what part of the console she was looking at with out peering incredibly close at the gizmos attached.

"Ah-ha," said River from the other side.

"What is it?" asked Amy.

"A computer," answered River, "but there's not enough power to start it."

"He'll see it if we try," said Martha, getting up to join them examining the TARDIS, "he's everywhere." There was a moment of alertness where they all looked around the room, maybe to see the Master hanging from the ceiling or a bunch of cameras. However, what they did see was one tiny light source in the top of the column, only just visible and the tiniest shade of green.

"Power," breathed River. She and Clara exchanged smiles.

"All we need is a way to get power in here but stop the Master taking control," said Martha. "How do we do that?" Everyone looked to River and Clara, the Doctor's wives and the only ones who could fly the TARDIS and who could use the computers properly. Mickey, who was still good with regular, Earth computers, stayed out of their way.

"Why is everyone looking at me..?" asked Clara, glancing up from console

"Because you're the 'total screaming genius'," said Amy, quoting Oswin and walking over to lean on the console too.

"River's a genius too from what I've seen," said Clara. "All we need is a spark to start the fire, a bit of power."

"Nobody has anything electronic," said Rory.

"Just a transmitter, then we can at least pick up his signals and get into the cameras," said Clara. "Something tiny, with an electronic signiature that can project and... what?" she asked when people were sniggering. "No, really, what is it? If I just had something small I could plug some wires into and... seriously, what's wrong?" when they started coughing a little from holding in their laughter. "There has to be something because that light there is showing there's something trying to connect and give of a... oh..." she noticed she had been moving her hand around while speaking, and the light above caught in the reflection of the ring on her finger. The ring that could pick up signals. The ring that had an electronic signiature. The ring that could project. The ring that she could plug wires into. The ring that the TARDIS was trying to drain power from at that very moment. They all burst out laughing as quietly as they could and still work, River (**AN: River is a solid hologram now because reasons *cough*convenience*cough***) tossing her a coil of wires she started to weave around a few nibs on the panels and wrap them around the ring, hoping she wasn't going to be burned or electrocuted.

"You've got that thing in you're hand," Martha said to Mickey.

"Well, yeah, but it's under my skin. We don't have a knife and I'm not going to stab myself with a wire."

"Doesn't matter, if this ring boosts the signal enough it'll be able to draw power from that implant," River explained, twisting a lever around that started to make the machine hum and the light flicker. Clara was at the keyboard and she began to type one handed, keeping her other hand outstretched to maintain the circuit.

"Only take the power we need," Martha said to River, who was fussing around some levers to open up a small pathway to leech power from the parts of the TARDIS that had it.

"Hold on, I'm hiding us from him and sealing us off so we're invisible," said Clara, typing in the amount of energy they were intaking every second as a maximum to keep them hidden.

"Ow!" Mickey jumped suddenly, shaking his hand, "it zapped me!"

"Sorry about that," said River, "AEN pathways are a little rusty, he doesn't know how to use them properly. If he just unlocked all the security gateways then it wouldn't take days to recharge at the Rift."

"AEN? I don't like the sound of that..." said Mickey, rubbing the back of his hand.

"Artificial Electro Neuro pathways," Clara elaborated, "Like nerves in a human body, connecting everything together and sending signals. That chip in you hand is now part of the Snogbox."

"The Doctor won't be too happy about that," said River.

"Course he won't," agreed Clara, finishing her coding and hitting the 'call' button on the old fashioned phone hanging from its hook. Light flooded the room, but quickly dimmed to a dull green glow when River twisted a dial to regulate the inputs.

"Recycle the electricity," suggested Mickey, "We have to do that sometimes when we're laying low."

"TARDIS doesn't run on electricity," said Clara, "It runs off Artron energy."

"Oh," said Mickey.

"But," began River, "if we send the Artron energy through the circuits and all the waste into the Internal Trexchange it can be changed back into Artron energy again. In theory."

"Dangerous theory, it could explode," warned Clara.

"Yes, it could," said River. Then she flicked the switches to do it anyway. The column glowed brighter and started to pulse steadily, bathing them in green which was almost as bad as complete darkness, since none of the lights down the walls were working properly.

"Sounded like you cared about the TARDIS exploding for a moment there," said Amy.

"I don't care about the TARDIS," said Clara, "but the Doctor does, and-"

"And you care about him," Amy finished.

"No," Clara lied quickly, even though that had genuinely been the end of her sentence. "Why would you think that?"

"Because you're married to him," said Amy.

"Do the words 'drunk', 'Vegas' and 'distraction' mean nothing to you?" she hissed, all of them still remaining silent.

Before the argument could progress any further there was a static sound and Clara's ring burned for a moment. The temperature cooled almost instantly however, and a projection was beamed into space in front of them. The projection was, however, just sound waves. But there were sounds to go with them.

"They'll figure it out eventually," said Eleven, sounding weary.

"There are only two of them left, Doctor. If they were hiding anywhere, I would've found them by now," said the Master. This was a feed from the room where the Doctors and Jack were being kept. Everyone was quiet, unsure if it was a two-way transmission or not. It was odd they were picking up the signal though.

"Maybe not," said Ten. "Maybe they're smarter than a voice without a body."

"I'll have a body soon, Doctor. But until then-" the Master spat until he was cut over.

"Until then you'll 'live in the wires', you've given us this speech before," said Nine. "If you don't mind, could you untie me so I can go get a cup of tea?"

"Tea? You want tea?" asked the Master in a disgusted voice.

"We are in the kitchen," said Ten. The companions glanced at eachother. This transmission was the doing of the Doctors, trying to break through. Maybe they'd been transmitting their whole time with the Master and it had taken River and Clara to fix it. "Tell you what, when Rose and Donna join them - becuase let's face it, you're not gonna let them live - _then_ and only then will we make tea." And then the signal went foggy and died as the light dimmed slightly.

"She's worn out," said River, "we can only have power for lights."

"At least he doesn't know where we are," said Martha. "Anyone know how long it is until Rose and Donna's... challenge?" she picked her words carefully.

"No, but they'll arrive her soon enough," said Amy, "until then I suppose all we have to do is wait... And talk..."


	24. The Kettle Has The Power

**AN: Okay, just wondering if you want me to upload more chapters over the next few days so the internet is at the same point in the story as me (I'm on Chapter 30 right now)? Of course I won't bombard you with 6 chapters at once, but I was just thinking. There will probably be another update tonight. Feel completely free to give me any prompts or suggestions for anything you want to happen. The following chapters are very funny, fluffy and light hearted. Enjoy :)**

The_ Kettle Has The Power_

They had all shared their many stories of the Doctor and their other adventures, River, Mickey and Martha proving exceptionally interesting with their tales of time travel and Torchwood. In fact, the whole group completely lost track of time and what was happening in the other areas of the TARDIS, so they all screamed and jumped out of their skins when Rose crashed into the floor without so much as a teleport beam, though she was unharmed.

"Are you alright?" asked Martha, she and Rory going to check for any injuries.

"Where am I?" groaned Rose.

"Rose, how many fingers am I holding up?" Martha checked, holding three fingers in front of Rose.

"You're kidding, right?"

"How many fingers?" she pressed.

"Three," said Rose eventually.

"Wish there was proper lighting in here so I could check for a concussion propelrly," said Martha. "That'll have to do. Tell me if you feel any pain in your head."

"Right... Will someone tell me what the hell is going on?!" asked Rose, "You're all dead! I watched every single one of you die!"

"It was all a trick, the Master's just a voice or something," said Clara. "The Doctors told us where they all are, but said we couldn't go find them without you and Donna safe."

"Speaking of Donna..." said Rose, "she shou-"

BANG!

"Donna!" gasped all of them at once as the tall ginger woman was thrown into the side of the console from a point in nearby space. Martha and Rory were helping her up as soon as she arrived.

"Where the bloody hell am I?!" she shouted.

"Shh!" hissed everyone, trying to keep to volume low. Once Rose and Donna were reorientated the other six companions began their retellings of what was happening, catching them up to speed on the fact the games had been a trick by the Master. Unfortunately, it seemed it was a requirement for Clara to be accordingly embarassed by the method of Eleven's proposal being explained to all who didn't bare witness the first time.

"Okay, that's enough! There isn't anything else you can say that will embarass me anymore, so please stop," said Clara.

"Stop doing such embarassing things then," said Martha.

"You know, just once, I'd like to have a conversation where we're not arguing," said Amy, bored with the companion's routine of bullying at least one of them.

"Yes, I agree," said Clara, seeing as she was usually the victim in the majority of their discussions. There were just far too many of them to have a remotely sensible conversation most of the time. Thankfully, Clara's solot ring lit up again at that moment with another transmission from the Doctors, and she and River started frantically working to try and stabilise it.

"So what do you do now?" Nine asked, "you've used up all your toys in a few hours."

"They were boring anyway," said the Master, "Now I have you four to play with." There was a muffled sound from somewhere. "Don't talk with your mouth full."

"Stop flirting, Jack," groaned Ten boredly. There was an annoyed mumble. "I mean it!"

"About our tea," said Eleven.

"Shut up about your stupid tea!" said the Master furiously.

"Well it's just we're all tied up and you're just a consciousness that needs the TARDIS's power to live and couldn't possibly survive if there was, say, a supreme overload or a powercut. So somebody else will need to make our tea," said Eleven.

"Did he just tell us how to beat the Master?" asked Rose.

"Not quite," said River.

"Some of the ship would, obviously, still need power reserves safe if we were going to go anywhere. Possibly an external source, so it would be safe from the overload. Or whatever," said Ten.

"And to top all that off all the living cells in the ship would have to be close together to keep us all safe. Same room, I'm assuming," said Nine.

"Now he did," said River.

"I quite like this room, you know," said Ten, "kitchen's are always a nice, safe place to be. Plenty of convenient, useful, energy-storing appliances in here, too."

"What's the plan?" asked Amy.

"We have to get the Doctors, Jack and an appliance into this console room via Telrealiport, but we have to stop the Master's brain getting through too. So we have seconds to open the lines then get everything through and close them again," said River.

"Sounds hard," said Mickey.

"Especially since this room doesn't have any doors," said Clara, "completely disconnected from the rest of the TARDIS."

"I have a lock on the transmission," said River.

"How'd you do that without him finding us?" wondered Clara.

"Pulse Sonar," she answered, "a trick I learned once on a stealth mission. We send out the signals but don't take them back in and the sound waves bounce from every surface, allowing us to see but the Master won't be able to figure out the source until it's too late. It's a mile away."

"The telrealiports are ready but we don't have enough power yet," said Clara.

"AEN pathways opening," said River, "energy absorbtion in progress."

"I really could do with a cup of tea you know," said Ten, "right now would be nice."

"Ports online!" Clara called, the TARDIS humming slightly now. "Inputting lifeforms for transport data," she said idly.

"Positive lock on suitable kitchen appliance," said River, "beaming kettle in 3... 2... 1..." she flicked a switch and a kettle appeared in the air in front of him surrounded by a blue glow. It was suspended for a moment before it started to fall, Rory the one to dive forward and catch it before it crashed.

"Four lifeforms to appear in 3-" but Clara's calculations were clearly off when Nine, Ten, Eleven and Jack all appeared out of nowhere and collapsed onto the floor.

"Closing AEN pathways!" River said loudly.

"You can't close the pathways, you have to overload the core!" Ten shouted over the roar of the Snogbox engines as she blasted into power.

"But the Master will get in!" Clara said.

"No he won't, not if this plan works!" said Ten, running to grab the console and help River and Clara. Nine and Eleven joined them soon after, Eleven dabbling with wires and the kettle, clipping things into it and ramping it up with his screwdriver to hold more power.

"You can't stop me, Doctors! I am the TARDIS! I am in control!" the Master echoed, but he was still distant because the transmission that was still being projected was the source of his voice.

"Not for long!" said Eleven as Ten kicked a switch with his foot on the console to start the kettle syphoning the power. Eleven guided it with his screwdriver until the device was glowing and shaking with Artron energy and on the verge of exploding.

"Now it's time for you to die!" shouted Jack, who had just been unbound and gagged and gotten to his feet. He started hitting every button he could, Clara pulling the wires free from her solot ring and backing off to join the other companions safe from the rage of the Oncoming Storm.

"What are you doing?! You're going to kill the TARDIS!" the Master shouted, his voice now pushing through the walls of the room around them.

"That's the idea!" shouted Nine, opening all of the AEN pathways and completely flooding the room with so much power they were blinded by a huge green light.

The Master was screaming in their ears as the TARDIS gained flight, crashing and shaking everywhere, the light getting brighter and brighter and blinding Clara so she couldn't see anything. Her ears rang, people - including herself - were yelling from all directions, she was vaguely aware through the sensory overload someone had their arm around her shoulders.

Then there was an almighty crash. Her legs buckled and she was flying through the air before landing with a smack on something hard and curved. And then the console and central column themselves exploded and showered them in white hot sparks and choked them with smoke as all the noise subsided and silenced to the sound of a completely dead TARDIS, not a single cell alive.

People around her were all coughing as she opened her eyes, seeing above her the dark console room, not a single light left to be seen through the cloud of dust and smoke.

"What the hell just happened?" came Donna's choked question.

"TARDIS died," said Ten, scanning around them with his screwdriver, "and so did the Master. Only twelve lifeforms."

"Why was he just a voice?" asked Martha, waving smoke out of her face.

"The TARDIS didn't have enough power left to transport another human, and the Master was broken and she was also fighting against his arrival as best she could. He got in here in pure energy. All the images were fake and he was living in the wires. All that was in your heads, a dream if you like."

"Or nigtmare..." muttered Rose.

"As soon as we killed the ship we killed him," Nine continued, carefully getting to his feet on the curved surface. It was then Clara realised the TARDIS was on its side and the gravity was broken, meaning they were lying on the wall with the door on a neaby side. It was also then she realised she'd somehow landed on the Eleventh Doctor's arm, as it had likely been him holding her as they crashed. She sat up.

"But if the TARDIS is dead how do we get anywhere?" asked Donna.

"Because," said Eleven, jumping up and clutching the kettle "we have this! It's storing enough Artron energy to power the TARDIS. We keep it safe for a while to be sure the Master is completely gone and then we can begin to recharge. Should take about three days."

"And this time I mean three days," said Ten, "wherever we are we're stuck for that long until we can be sure the TARDIS is fully repaired."

"But where are we?" asked Amy. By now they were all up, Eleven holding Clara carefully to steady her and Nine supporting Rose.

"No idea," said Eleven, walking towards the doors and clicking his fingers (which was, by now, an unimpressive parlour trick) to open them. They still obeyed, however, and the door was in just the right place for him to be able to peer out.

"What is it?" asked Clara when he gave her a worried look. She was not tall enough to see through the doors herself.

"It's bad," he said.

"How bad?"

"I suppose you might say... _relative_ly bad..." he said.

"What do you-"

"Hi Clara! Hi Clara's boyfriend! You're back late!" said Artie Maitland, crouching down to peer into the Snogbox, which was lying on it's side..

"Oh. I see what you did there," she remarked blandly on Eleven's pun. "But I'm not actually related to them."


	25. Can I Sleep On Your Floor?

_Can I Sleep On Your Floor?_

"Artie, where's Angie?" asked Eleven seriously.

"She went to get pizza," he said.

"With what money?" asked Clara, knowing Angie had spent every last penny she owned the previous week, if it was the same day.

"Well, don't be mad, but it's your money. It's nine o'clock and you were supposed to be cooking us tea while Dad's away, so she just went out," explained Artie timidly.

"What day is it again?"

"Friday night, the same day you left. July 5th," said Artie.

"It is? Oh thank God," she sighed, relieved she hadn't allowed the Maitlands to starve in her absense. "You should stand back, there's a lot of us in here and we have to climb out." Artie did scramble away as Eleven gave Clara a leg-up, and she fell head-first onto the wet grass of outside. A place that was outside and not in the middle of a city, spaceship or casino. It almost seemed like a dream after the chaotic three days Clara had had.

"Take the kettle," said Eleven, passing the kettle out of the TARDIS.

"Is this you trying to get me to make you a cup of tea?" she asked as the took it.

"No, but on the subject of tea, I made you two coffees this morning," he groaned, pulling himself out and refusing help from anyone. "So don't you owe me something?"

"Certainly not," she said as Mickey aided Martha in leaving the ship. "George is away on a business trip until Sunday evening."

"George?" asked Eleven suspiciously. Clara raised an eyebrow at him as Martha hauled Mickey out after her.

"Mr Maitland..?" she said.

"Oh, right!" he said, looking relieved. "Well, that's good news, leaves us all free to invade your house."

"Right... Artie, go wait by the front door for Angie," Clara said to the ten year old. He nodded and left just as Amy and Rory managed to drag themselves through the doors.

"So! Always my favourite part, this - sleeping arrangements!" said Eleven happily.

"If you dare say bunkbeds..." threatened Amy.

"No, Clara doesn't have any bunkbeds," said Eleven.

"How would you know?" asked Martha.

"Just because things happen," said Eleven.

"Oh yeah? 'Things'?" she continued. Clara waited for Eleven to realise what was happening.

"Things involving wifi monsters downloading people," he said, "not..."

"Not what?" asked Clara, interested to see what words he'd come up with when prompted. He went red with embarassment.

"Not what she's talking about," he pointed at Martha, who snorted at how much of a child he was. Soon enough all twelve of them had emerged from the TARDIS and had begun on the quest of lifting it up, which took quite a lot of effot but they managed it just as Angie arrived back home with two pizzas. She remained inside however, and just watched the group from the window with her brother while they ate.

"I'll sleep in the TARDIS," said Jack, "if you can get me some blankets."

"I'll sleep in there too," said Nine. Clara had her own room to sleep in, so she was sorted.

"There's a three man tent in the shed," she said, racking her brain, "there's the sofa that pulls out into a double bed. There's Mr Maitland's room with a double bed. And there should be some floor space."

"We'll have the tent," River volunteered herself and the Ponds, who both looked annoyed at this but agreed anyway. At least it was July.

"We'll go on the sofabed," said Martha about her and Mickey.

"Suppose me and Rose will have the other double bed then," said Ten offhandedly, rubbing his neck and acting like this was no big deal (when Rose seemed to be slightly freaking out).

"So what, I'm left with the floor?" moaned Donna. Clara nodded sympathetically. "Well isn't that just... wizard."

"There's definitely some airbeds," said Clara, "you should probably all go raid the shed and divide it yourselves. The keys are under the flower pot." She waved her arm at the shed and they all started for it, she, Eleven, Ten and Rose staying back.

"Where's he gonna sleep?" Rose looked to Eleven.

"Oh, I'll sleep anywhere, me," he said. "S'long as I have pyjamas."

"Yeah, I'd quite like some pyjamas. Ones that don't have fruit in them," said Ten, grinning to Rose as he mentioned fruit. She grinned back.

"Well where are you going to get pyjamas from?" she asked, "at this time of night?"

"He's got no problem with stealing clothes," Amy commented as she walked past, carrying a tent with Rory. Eleven frowned at her.

"I've saved the Earth countless times, I think I can take some clothes, Pond," he said grumpily.

"We should go shopping," said Rose.

"Shopping? At 9PM?" said Clara disbelieving her.

"We're in London, right?" said Rose. Clara nodded. "I know a place. 24 Hour Supermarket."

"Where are you gonna get money from?" Clara asked. Ten pulled his sonic screwdriver out of his pocket and waved it around.

"Fine! There's a busstop about two minutes that way," she pointed. Rose nodded and walked off with Ten.

"Anyone who wants clothes come with me!" she called. Everyone dropped everything except River, who didn't need a change of clothes, and followed Rose. Eleven looked back at Clara on her own and waved guiltily. She waved back and sighed, having not the foggiest idea where they were going to go.

"I'll get this tent up," said River.

"Okay. I'd better go have a chat with Angie about stealing," said Clara, mooching off inside where it was slightly warmer.

Clara had argued with Angie that she shouldn't steal and Angie had argued they didn't know when Clara was going to come back. In the end Clara had to agree and go upstairs to get a shower before the others arrived back to hog the bathroom.

All in all, it took them about an hour to get back with full bags, and by then all the beds were just about set up and ready and there was a stack of blankets for Jack and Nine in the broken TARDIS and the two Maitland children had been bribed to be bed with promise of their nanny buying them takeaway for every meal for three days. Clara was sat in the chair in the living room watching TV and drying her hair when they got back.

"Where's your bathroom?" asked Martha, staring around, "I have first dibs."

"I have second dibs," said Rose.

"Third dibs," said Donna.

"Fourth dibs," said Amy.

"Up one floor, second door on the left," Clara said to them. Martha ran off instantly to start of the girls' night routine with Rose following close after.

"Is that my bed?" asked Donna, pointing at the airbed and sleeping bag on the floor, "that?"

"Yes," said Clara. "Could be worse. Jack and the Ninth Doctor don't even have an airbed. Just blankets." Donna just pouted and glared at the floor before going to sit on the edge of the sofa bed.

"I'll just shower in the morning, I think," said Ten.

"Yeah, they'll be at least two hours," Jack agreed. The pair of them and Nine left the house to go to the TARDIS and start work on the repairs, Ten would have to wait up for Rose though.

"Here you go," Clara tossed Donna the TV remote and turned off the hairdryer, letting Rose take the chair. She went off into the kitchen with hope of making a round of tea for all twelve of them (it would keep her busy at least since she had to wait for everyone else to go to bed to stop them trashing the house) in peace, but Eleven quickly followed.

"Yes?" she asked him as she went through the cupboards to find enough mugs, rinsing the one she had been using herself just half an hour ago. "I'm only making tea."

"You always have to care for people, don't you?" he asked, walking around to stand next to her as she gathered more mugs.

"It's just polite," she said guardedly.

"It's more than polite, Clara," he said.

"It's really not," she said, "where are you planning on sleeping? You have pyjamas, but you don't have a bed."

"Well, you know, here and there," he said vacantly.

"'Here and there' is not a place," she said as she filled the kettle and set it to boil, turning to watch him. He was leaning on the table watching her. "What?" she asked.

"Nothing," he said.

"I'm really, really sick of people not telling me the joke right now," she said, "so if there's something funny-"

"Nothing funny!" he said, annoyed at himself he seemed to have upset her.

"Then what? Oh, and get me the milk out of the fridge," she asked as she dropped teabags into all the cups and got a spoon out of the cutlery drawer.

"Here," he passed her a cold bottle, "There isn't a joke you're not in on."

"This is the wrong milk!" she said.

"Well does it matter? It's all just milk," he said, waving his arms in dismay. She looked at him as she held the bottle up to his eye level.

"Ah," he said, starting to laugh. Chocolate milk. Clara laughed too, and soon they were both laughing loudly when Jack walked in, giving them a look when he saw how close they were (which Clara had not noticed - not that she bothered to move when she did).

"What're you two lovebirds doing in here by yourselves?" Jack asked.

"Talking," said Clara.

"Oh really? You were 'talking'?" he made air quotation marks. Clara narrowed her gaze, daring him to go on down that conversation path. "So Doc, you asked her yet?" he nodded at Clara.

"Asked me what?" she asked, looking up at Eleven while he smiled nervously and sheepishly, but his eyes were angry and pointing at Jack.

"He wants to ask if he can sleep in your room," Jack said.

"You want to what?" she asked disbelievingly.

"Sorry," Jack mouthed at Eleven, taking that as his cue to leave and backing out of the room, forgetting whatever it was he'd come in for in the first place. Clara crossed her arms and stepped back from Eleven, looking at him expectantly.

"Well?" she asked him.

"Well what?" he said. She said nothing and merely kept looking at him until he gave in. "Alright, yes, that's what I came to do."

"...And?" she prompted.

"And what?" he asked, confused.

"And are you going to ask or not? Jack butting in here does not count," she said.

"Can I sleep on your floor?" he asked finally, after a few moments shuffling and awkward staring around and doing anything to keep meeting her expectant gaze. She started to laugh at him again. "What? What's so funny?" he asked seriously.

"You! Of course you can sleep on my floor, Chin."


	26. Heart To Hearts

_Heart to Hearts_

"Are you sure you're alright?" asked Eleven for the umpteenth time from the outside of the bathroom while Clara brushed her teeth. He'd already changed into his pyjamas in her room and set up his airbed and sleeping bag (because no matter what Martha Jones was telling people they were _not_ sleeping together).

"Yes, Doctor," she answered incoherantly with a toothpaste-filled mouth.

"Psychic excursions like that can be very draining on the human body and can also damage the mind," he said.

"Go talk to the Ponds then, they went through more trauma than me," she said, turning the tap on and rinsing the brush.

"The Ponds are fine, they have eachother, you don't have anyone," he said.

"I have you, Chin," she stated, opening the door.

"Yes, exactly! You have me, but you're not talking to me!" he said.

"You didn't ask me to talk, you just kept asking me if I'm alright," she countered..

"Alright then, what happened?" he asked, putting his hands on her shoulders and getting to her eye level. She didn't know where to start, the memories she'd been trying to keep at bay suddenly flooding her mind. Mickey and Martha dying. Then Amy and Rory dying after refusing to fight the Master. Then River jumping into the water, and finally her own damaged, broken suicide into the pool. She couldn't keep anything in any longer as tears started at the corners of her eyes.

"Sorry..." she sniffed.

"Hey, you don't ever have to apologise to anyone for feeling things, Impossible Girl," he said, putting his arm around her and carefully guiding her up the second flight of stairs into her own room and sitting her on her bed. "Now, tell me everything that happened."

"You know what happened," she said, looking away from his warm, friendly eyes.

"Not everything," he said, "I don't know how you ended up with an awful concussion and a badly sprained ankle in your... challenge..." he said the word with a snarl in his tone.

"I fell over," she said.

"Then what happened?" he asked.

"I don't know. I was knocked out, I think... I saw... some people."

"Who?"

"I'll sound crazy," she said.

"Crazier than I did saying I have 27 brains the first time you met me?" he asked. She nodded. "Crazier than me keeping a barbie doll on me at all times in case of emergencies?" she nodded again, but smiled a little. He took his hands and cupped her face and looked into her eyes when he next spoke, getting to her level and leaning right in, whispering. "Crazier than me saying right now I'm a 1200 year old alien with a time machine who's falling for a human girl he accidentally married in Las Vegas when he was drunk?"

"Crazier than - what?" she asked, her eyes widening, but just as she looked back from a spot on the door Eleven kissed her and she melted into him, closing her eyes completely and forgetting about the Master and the Ponds and Oswin and the rest of her stupid past lives who all thought they knew best.

"Now," said Eleven after he pulled away, trying not to grin and giggle like a child despite the fact his face was crimson (though thankfully not horrible), "tell me exactly what happened, wifey." But Clara didn't want to talk right then, not about the day's events, so she hit his arm. "Ow!" he said, sitting down next to her on the bed.

"Why couldn't you have done that in the Snogbox?!" she hissed, not wanting Ten and Rose in the room below to hear her.

"Does it matter?!"

"Yes! I could have made a pun!" she said. He smiled and shook his head.

"You are just-"

"Perfect?" she finished.

"Impossible," he corrected. She slumped slightly but cheered up when he took her hands. "Tell me what you saw, Clara. Please?"

"Okay," she said, considerably happier. "I saw three of my echoes."

"That's not crazy," said Eleven, "now, if you'd have said they were now living with you and trying to hog all of your limelight and make fun of you all the time and they were all sleeping in other rooms of your wife's house, then I would've said you were crazy." Clara laughed, but he soon returned to seriousness. "But what were they saying? And which echoes?"

"Oswin, Victorian me and Time Lady me," said Clara, "and they weren't saying anything useful. They were a bit annoying, actually. How can you stand me?"

"What do you mean 'how can I stand you'? Everyone annoys themself. Do you think it's easy for me to stand those two downstairs?" he said, "to be honest I'm always wondering why you lot keep running away with me. Past lives are rubbish."

"They were trying to convince me I'm in love with you, Doctor," she said, ignoring what he'd been saying before.

"They were what?" he spluttered. Clara began to tell him the conversation between the four versions of herself as word-for-word as she could, though thankfully she remembered it quite well. By the time she had finished the Doctor had gone to sit on top of his airbed, letting his sleepy companion stretch out in her bed for some well-needed rest.

"Wow," he said, "past lives, eh?"

"Yeah," she said uneasily, something else cropping up in her mind as she rolled over. "Doctor?" she asked him a while later, facing the wall. He had already crawled into his sleeping bag however. It was nearly half past midnight.

"Yes, Clara?" he asked her.

"How do you do it?"

"How do I do what?"

"How do you watch us die? People you care about, you just forget and move on and go off with somebody else. For over 1000 years that's how you've been, human to human forever," she said.

"I never forget anyone," he replied.

"Then how do you live with the memories?" she turned back around to look at him. Into his ancient eyes. He was looking at her, but he was distant. He was remembering.

"I... I don't know. I try to live in the present, I don't like to look at my past," he said. "I only do it when I have to."

"You did it for me when you jumped into your time stream," said Clara.

"I had to to. I live with them because I heal things as well, there is good as well as bad," he said, "I could heal your eye for you."

"My eye?" asked Clara. She had forgotten about the black eye she had obtained from Martha. "No, I know how you work. How many years?"

"Sorry?"

"If you healed my eye how many years would you use up of your life?"

"Well it's a pretty nasty bruise, so about three. But you'd rather walk around with a swollen eye?" he asked, stunned anyone would choose to have an injury.

"Of course, Chin. I have makeup and painkillers. It'll be gone in a few weeks, it isn't work you wasting some of your life," she said.

"No. River didn't think so either when I healed her wrist," he said, vacant. "If that's all I rather think you should get some sleep, I imagine it'll be an early start tomorrow."

"Early start? Why?" she asked, interested now as a spark of joy lit up his eyes as he leaned closer to her.

"Because something happens on July 6th, something Rose and the Tenth Doctor downstairs will find very interesting," he said.

"Something funny?"

"Yes."

"Something embarassing?"

"Yep."

"Does this thing involve a big, flying, red bus?" she said after some thought.

"How'd you guess?" he asked when there was less than an inch between them.

"I know I've mentioned the 'total screaming genius' thing before, but did it fly over all 27 of your brains?" she asked, kissing him for the second time that night. The perks of being married to the Doctor, she thought slyly to herself. "Goodnight, Chin," she said, rolling back over.

"Goodnight, Impossible Girl," he replied, still smiling when Clara flicked the light switch off.


	27. The Morning Routine

_The Morning Routine_

Someone was tapping Clara's forehead, drawing her out from her deep sleep as she reached up to try and swat away the hand.

"Wakey, wakey, wifey," cooed Eleven from somewhere that wasn't the remanant of whatever dream she had been having. "Early start, I told you last night. Well, technically this morning, but that's just details."

"What time is it?" was the first thing she said.

"Nine o'clock," he said, "You've had at least eight hours. That's how much you humans need, isn't it?"

"I suppose," she said, rubbing her sore head as she sat up. It felt like she'd hit something hard, but she couldn't remember what for the life of her. "How long have you been awake?"

"A while," he said, "tried the eight hours thing - got bored. Don't know how you people do it. Look, I made you a coffee!" he passed her a hot mug which she took though still disorientated. She was about to sip it when she stopped and looked at him.

"Did you kiss me last night?" she asked.

"Yes, I did," he answered.

"And did I kiss you?" she asked, flipping the question.

"Yes, you did," he said.

"Is this a normal coffee or a 'spiced up' one?" she asked suspiciously.

"Normal. Same as you told me to make it yesterday, I think," he said, watching her slurp a little to cool the piping hot drink down and waiting for her approval. Slightly weirded out by him staring at her drink coffee she just gave him a thumbs up.

"Do I have bed hair?" she asked him seriously. A very important question.

"Dunno, what does bed hair look like?" he asked.

"Like yours. Don't go downstairs!" she said to him as he got up to go to the bathroom to sort his hair out, "there's a mirror over there if you really want."

"Why can't I go downstairs with messy hair?" he asked, getting up to go to the mirror. It looked weird having someone almost a foot taller than her in her room, it was rare anybody came in and the Eleventh Doctor's head brushed the ceiling.

"You're too innocent to understand," she replied. He frowned in the mirror but let it go. "So about this bus?"

"Ah, well," he said, "I do travel on my own sometimes, and once I went to London - but in a few months' time. I happened to see a paper talking about the trial of Lady Christina De Souza, who had crash landed here. Today. In a couple of hours. Not that I know the exact time."

"But where did she crash?" asked Clara.

"Don't quite know, but that point was definitely in flux, so if we can get a signal up to her she can land on the street outside and not be arrested," said Eleven.

"And cause mayhem for your younger self," said Clara.

"That's just a bonus of helping a friend in need," he answered unconvincingly.

"I'm hungry," she stated suddenly. He looked her questioningly.

"...Do you want me to make you breakfast..?" he wondered.

"No. But other people will be hungry if I'm hungry. That means somebody has to cook."

"We could go to a shop. There's quite a lot of money left from last night," he said, his face turning sour at his next line, "cooking for 12 would be a nightmare. Can I borrow your computer?"

"Why?" she asked, getting up and walking to stand next to him while he sorted his hair like a perfectionist.

"Actually, can Mickey borrow it?"

"_Why_?"

"Hack into UNIT, scan the airspace for buses," he replied, "Mickey should do _something _useful, at least."

"I could do that!" she said.

"You're still banned," he replied.

"From my _own _computer?" she said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, obviously! Every computer!" he said. She glared at him and reached up, ruffling his hair and stealing the brush from his hand for herself. "Oi!"

"Too slow, Chin," she said, blowing him a kiss then trotting off to the bathroom to beat the morning rush that was obviously going to take place. However, she had to stop and listen when she heard voices coming from Mr Maitland's room, the very room occupied by Ten and Rose.

"...Okay, I promise I'll spend time with you today!" Ten said, sounding like he'd just lost an argument, which he probably had.

"Good! Because you've just been ignoring me for the past... How many days has it been?"

"Um... This is day four," he answered.

"For the past four days," she finished.

"Listen to me, Rose. Today is just me and you. We'll go out somewhere together, do things together, we'll be together for the whole day."

"Great! If you wanna go somewhere we need breakfast picking up from the shop down the road," Clara called through the door. There was a bang like someone fell over.

"You could knock!" Rose protested.

"I'm not coming in," said Clara. "I have first dibs on the bathroom though. Shop, breakfast?"

"Alright, fine! We'll go shopping," she said moodily.

"Good," Clara said, leaving the couple alone.

"Oh, and I have second dibs," said Rose.

"Third dibs," said Ten.

"Are we calling dibs on the bathroom?" Eleven shouted down the stairs from Clara's room.

"Yep," Ten answered.

"I have fourth dibs!" he said.

"Bathroom dibs?" Donna asked from the bottom set of stairs.

"Yeah!" Eleven yelled.

"Fifth dibs!" she answered.

"Somebody calling dibs on the shower?" asked Martha, stirring from downstairs. "Sixth dibs," she said, presumably after she had seen a nod from Donna.

"Seventh dibs!" groaned Mickey.

"Oi! You lot!" Martha shouted outside after Clara heard the door creak open.

"OI!" Donna practically screamed, "BATHROOM DIBS!"

"What number are we on?!" Clara heard Amy shout.

"Eight!" Martha answered.

"I have eigth dibs," Amy said, now in the house judging by her volume.

"I have ninth dibs," shouted Nine from the TARDIS.

"Course you do, and I have dibs on Ten. Oh sorry, he's taken. I meant I have tenth dibs," Jack called out too.

"Then I have eleventh dibs," said River. Whether as a hologram she needed to wash, or whether she just wanted to say she had eleventh dibs, Clara didn't know, but she glanced up the stairs to see red-faced, pyjama clad Eleven pouting slightly.

"Well then I suppose I have twelfth dibs," said Rory pitifully.

Twenty minutes later Rose had just pushed her way into the bathroom and forced Clara out. Just in time for Eleven to half-sing her name down the stairs.

"Cla-ara!"

"Yes?" she asked, ascending.

"You remember how I said I don't know the exact time the bus gets here?" he asked nervously. She entered the room to see him glancing from the doorway to his screwdriver, which was flashing and making a droning sound.

"That definitely doesn't look good," she said.

"No."

"What's wrong?"

"Well, this is a distress call in morse code I'm picking up," he said.

"What's it saying?"

"It says 'SOS, 200, Doctor'."


	28. She's Just A Friend, Rose!

**AN: To anyone who follows me on Tumblr or who wants my url or has looked for it and can't find it I've changed it to hannigram-bakes-whouffles. I'm completely open to suggestions - in fact, I'd _love _some suggestions right now to keep things interesting, any villain anyone wants (Daleks will return at some point and somebody requested Cybermen a while ago so they will return as well, I just don't know when) or any planet or even time period but I'd have to learn about it if it's an era I don't already know about. Also ask me questions too if you want to know anything and I'll answer if it's not a humungous spoiler.**

_She's Just A Friend!_

"Can you send a message back?" asked Clara, knowing that any minute a huge red bus was going to come soaring through the sky.

"Don't know. Come on!" he said, grabbing her hand and pulling her down the stairs behind him.

"What's going on?!" asked Martha as they raced through the loving room. Eleven spun around and Clara was flung past him by her own momentum, having no idea what way they were going.

"Stuff! Can't talk! Gotta run! Emergency!" he said, spinning around and dragging Clara behind him as he left. She waved at them before turning back to Eleven.

"You didn't have to stop!" she said.

"Shh! Look at the sky!" he said putting his finger on her lips. She followed his gaze and gasped when she saw it. A partially destroyed red London bus with a number '200' emblazoned across it's front. And it was rocking around in the air and making a beeline for the Shard, which was visible from Clara's house, not that she cared if the skyscraper was destroyed after everything that had happened.

"Phone! I need a phone!" said Eleven. Clara ran off into the house and started searching frantically for wherever Angie had left the phone.

"What are you looking for?!" asked Donna.

"House phone," answered Clara.

"Catch," said Amy. Clara turned and fumbled the phone Amy had tossed over, but she managed to keep hold of it.

"Thanks!" she ran back out and threw the phone to Eleven, who caught it and sonicked it.

"There we go! Your phone's got om-comm now," he said to Clara.

"Great," she said, not sure why that information was relevent as he fidgetted with some wires in the back of the phone. Amy, Martha, Donna and Rory were all outside a few moments later as Eleven hit the call button.

"What the hell is that?!" asked Donna, seeing the 200 which was getting dangerously close to London.

"A flying bus," said Eleven offhandedly.

"A flying bus, he says. A flying bus! A. Fly. Ing. Bus!" she said, disbelieving.

"Yes, a flying bus. Why is that so hard to believe?" he said. "Ah, Christina! It's the Doctor... I know, different voice. Very complicated... Doesn't matter I'll tell you later. Now, steer the bus away from the Shard! I have somewhere for you to land!"

"So, what's happening?" asked Amy as Eleven started giving Christina and the 200 instructions.

"He's trying to save someone," said Clara. "Hey, does this mean I have to make more space?"

"Don't know, I'm sure Christina can sleep on the 200," Eleven answered her. "What? Oh, that was my wife... Yes, two, actually... Over 300 years... I'll explain when you land the 200 outside my wife's house!"

"He wasn't calling you his wife the other day," said Amy.

"We weren't actually married the other day," said Clara. Amy shrugged. The bus was now heading in their direction. Clara hoped Christina De Souza had good aim and didn't crash into the house because that would be the worst possible thing to happen.

Ten ran outside to join the group as the engines roared overhead.

"What the hell is going on?!" he asked, looking at Eleven trying to direct the 200 to park on the street.

"Can't explain, here you go! Talk to Christina!" Eleven said, pushing the phone into Ten's hands and running back trough the house to the front, quickly followed by Ten and the rest of the companions.

"Christina De Souza?!" Ten asked Eleven. "...What? What?! WHAT?!" he shouted into the phone as he ran.

"Doctor, what's going on?" asked Rose, who had just emerged from the shower.

"There's a flying bus," said Donna as they ran past.

"There's a _what?_!" asked Rose, but nobody had time to say anything to her as she joined the crowd filing out of the Maitland's, all twelve of them now present as the big red bus finally landed on the path outside, proving an adequate sun block.

"Doctor?!" Rose asked Ten as Christina got out of the bus, looking damaged and tired.

"Rose, this is Lady Christina de Souza..." he said awkwardly.

"Oh yeah?" asked Rose.

"Yes! Christina, this is Rose Tyler, my... sort of... wife," spluttered Ten.

"Oh! Sorry!" said Eleven, hitting his head with his free arm (as Clara was holding his other). "Three wives! Not two. Anyway, carry on."

"Thought I'd never see you again, Doctor," said Christina.

"Sorry, but where did you meet her?" asked Rose, folding her arms.

"On that bus," said Ten innocently, "It was Easter, 2009. Went to a planet, then I fixed it and she flew off in a bus."

"Oh, it was _much_ more intimate than that," said Christina. Rose looked questioningly at Ten.

"Intimate, was it?"

"Well, I wouldn't say-"

"Yes," said Christina, "I kissed him."

"You _what_?!" Rose asked both of them.

"It was to say thank you! It meant nothing!" he said as Rose barged through the crowds back inside, "Rose! Rose?!" he started to follow her and ran off.

"This is better than a soap!" said Amy excitedly, looking round.

"Hello, Captain Jack Harkness," said Jack, pushing through to get to Christina.

"Oh, here we go," said Eleven, rolling his eyes. "Anyone want to volunteer to go to the shop for fifteen people and a few other bits and bobs?"

"We'll go," Clara said to him.

"Eh?" he asked.

"Something's gonna kick-off and I don't want to be here when it does. You said you have money, whatever they break we can replace," she hissed at him. She did not want to be around when the insults - and possibly objects - started hurling.

"That's a very good idea - what about the kids?" asked Eleven.

"I don't know! They're asleep!" she said.

"What's going on?" came Angie's voice from behind them. Clara left Eleven (though he still followed her closely) to speak to her.

"Nothing!" said Amy, coming over to help just as there was a yell and something smashed inside.

"Nothing? There's a destroyed bus outside the house and you expect me to believe nothing's going on?" she said.

"Adult stuff," said Martha. "Why don't you go to the cinema?"

"No money," said Angie.

"What if I gave you... £100!" said Clara.

"You'll just give me £100?" asked Angie.

"Yes," said Eleven, "I have £100... Probably. Take Artie out with you, spend the whole day in town having fun!"

"I'll call you when it's-" another yell and a bang from inside caused Clara to wince mid-sentence "-safe..."

"I'll go get Artie and get dressed," said Angie, walking through the house carefully, not wanting to bump into the arguing couple.

"Who else is coming shopping?" asked Eleven turning around.

"I'll go," said Amy.

"No, you should stay with me incase of... injury," said Rory, his eyes flickering at the house. Amy sighed, but after the previous day's events they didn't want to be separated, even on what was probably going to be a very long shopping trip.

"I'll go," said Donna.

"And me," said Martha.

"I don't want to hang around with them," said Nine.

"Only five seats in the car," said Clara, "Looks like that's it."

"I'll watch the kids," said Amy as the quintet went to get dressed since they were still in their pyjamas.

"Thanks," said Clara.


	29. Clean Up On Aisles 9 & 11

__**AN: Per request, the neglected characters of Donna, Nine and Martha play big parts in this chapter :) also, if anyone happened to notice the 'loving room' typo at the start of 28, I was dared to leave that in. My proof-reading is up to scratch. Enjoy :D**

_Clean Up On Aisles 9 and 11_

"I am never gonna let you two drive a car again," said Donna, getting out of the car, rubbing her neck like she had whiplash, which - after suffering the Doctor's driving - she could well have.

"We weren't that bad!" said Eleven and Nine at the same time. The three girls had been crammed in the back seat of the car after they had both demanded to be in the front seat, and had tossed a coin 10 times to see who would be driving. Unfotunately, Eleven the cosmic five year old won, the man Clara only just trusted to make her coffee.

"What are we buying?" asked Eleven happily. He was going to get into trouble today, Clara could tell.

"Anything!" said Nine, "we're rich!"

"No, not anything," said Martha, "just food and spare appliances for when Rose breaks them."

"Look! Trollies!" Eleven squealed, bounding off towards the rack of carts like a toddler. "Clara, can I sit in the trolley? Pleeeease?"

"No!" she said, pulling him away, "we're getting a small trolley - one that you can't fit in."

"Can I push it?" he asked as she pulled him back towards the group.

"Knowing you you'll probably knock down all the shelves..." said Martha.

"Why don't you trust me?" he asked Clara sadly.

"If we were fighting aliens or in the past or the future, then I would. But this is shopping, it's too complicated for you to understand," she said as they entered the supermarket, all three women praying for some normality in their shopping trip.

"Ooh! Bananas!" said Eleven, he and Nine running off. Or rather, they tried to run off, but found themselves being restrained by multiple pairs of female hands.

"We don't need any bananas," said Clara.

"Don't be daft, Clara. We _always _need bananas."

"You can never have too many bananas," said Nine, "bananas are good. And a fantastic source of potassium."

"Leave the bananas alone!" Clara ordered. She really did not want to make a scene in the middle of a public place bossing around an adult a foot taller than her who was demanding bananas and to ride in the trolley.

"We saved you from the Master! Bananas should be our reward!" said Eleven, "plus, I made you a coffee."

"Didn't make me a coffee," said Donna bitterly.

"Well I'm not married to you, am I?" he said.

"Still polite," she muttered.

"Please can we have bananas?"

"No!" said Clara.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, the Doctors were gone. Clara, Donna and Martha had turned around to see they were alone an free of the their two childish burdens. But now they could get up to anything.

"Uh-oh," said Martha, "I don't like this."

"Oh great, two spacemen loose in ASDA!" said Donna, staring around for any sign of them. They had also stolen the trolley, but there were no noises like screaming or sonicking from anywhere throughout the large supermarket - but then again, the Doctors were no strangers to getting around huge places.

"Clara, you take fresh fruit, meats and dairy, Donna, you take canned goods, cereal and savouries, I'll take frozen food, cleaning and pets," said Martha, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a -

"Oh my God! _Is that a taser_!?" demanded Donna.

"Yes, it's a taser," said Martha.

"You're in UNIT though, right? You're allowed to carry that?" Donna asked nervously.

"Nope, it's illegal," said Martha like this was no big deal.

"Oh, brilliant! Here I am, stuck in a bloody supermarket with two aliens and an ex-soldier with an illegal taser!" said Donna, "if you'll excuse me, I'm going to look at some beans and stay out of your bloody way!" she said, backing away from Martha, who didn't seem to see anything wrong with wielding a stun gun she wasn't supposed to have in the middle of a public place.

Clara went off the other direction to Donna, trying to remember where the fresh fruit and the bananas were, she suspected that was where they had gone. She didn't see or hear anything for a good few minutes walking the aisles, looking for any kind of trouble. Actually, she didn't see any people, either. At all.

And _that_ was when she heard the screaming. And of course, that was where she headed straight away. Just to see Eleven and Nine both with a trolley full of bananas, chips, jammie dodgers, fish fingers, custard, pickled eggs and a whole bunch of chicken legs. And that was it. They also both had their screwdrivers out and pointed at the butcher.

"Slitheen! Unzip your head!" Eleven ordered him.

"Doctor! What the hell are you two doing?!" Clara shouted at him, going and trying to pull the screwdriver away from the cowering butcher, who had no idea why two insane men had just shined a bright light in his faced and declared him a monster.

"This man is a Slitheen!" said Eleven.

"Why would you possibly think that!?" she said.

"Well he's short, fat and he was farting a lot," said Eleven innocently.

"Ah," said Nine, looking at his screwdriver, "that's not good."

"What is it? What's not good?" asked Clara just as Donna and Martha appeared round the corner, Martha holding the taser ready if the Doctors did anything stupid. Clara waved her hand down though, not really wanting the Doctors to get tased if they were the only ones who could stop whatever was happening.

"You'll never guess what these readings say, wifey," said Eleven, with a worried look on his faced as he glanced from Clara to the butcher to the screwdriver.

"...What?" she asked, getting slightly worried too merely by his expression.

"They say," said the butcher, getting to his feet just for a sadistic grin to spread across his face, "I'm a native of Raxacoricophalapatorius."

"Native of where?" asked Clara, the name ringing a bell.

"Raxacoricophalapatorius," said Nine.

"Where the hell is Raxa-whatsit?" asked Donna.

"Raxacoricophalapatorius," said Eleven, "it's next to Klom." But before anybody could say anything else there was a blue glow flooding the empty aisle and the suddenly deserted supermarket - though it had been quite empty to begin with. How did they get everyone out so quickly, Clara wondered? Unless they weren't out...

"What the _hell_ is that!?" screamed Donna, "Don't just stand there! Shoot it!" she yelled at Martha, who had been momentarily frozen by the big green creature which was laughing as it rose up out of the skin suit made from the butcher. She lifted the taser up, aimed and fired, the electricity pulsing through the creature and making the skin suit that was down to it's waist now rip apart and splatter the walls.

"We need Jack, Rose, and Mickey," said Nine, "people who can actually fight Slitheen!"

"RUN!" yelled Eleven, grabbing Clara's hand and kicking the trolley straight into the path of the butcher who was chasing them now he was over his brief electric shock.

"It's massive! How does it run so fast!?" Clara asked, glancing back as Eleven pulled her through the shelves, trying desperately to get to any exit. "And how did it get over being tased so quickly?!"

"Because it's big and alien and I lowered the strength of that taser when I found it yesterday!" said Eleven sheepishly.

"You did what!?" exclaimed Martha, but then it was too late for Eleven to answer as they had reached a random window covering the side of the complex and Nine had sonicked it, causing it to shatter and the glass and dust to rain down on the five of them.

They dove through the glass and struggled to their feet, Clara gaining a few cuts on her hands and knees from the glass shards that were everywhere. _Are all shards evil?_, she mused to herself. But finally they were back at the car, and Martha – who, after her years with UNIT and the Doctor – was probably much more capable at driving than the men themselves.

"DRIVE!" Eleven yelled, he, Clara and Nine shoved into the back seat with him in the middle between them both, Martha and Donna had stolen the front and Martha started up the ignition in Clara's car and floored it as Clara drew her slightly broken, old phone (which she had brought since the Doctor had failed to replace her melted phone yet) out of her pocket and dialed the Maitland's house.

"Err, hello?" asked Rory, answering after nearly a minute of ringing and just after a black car with tinted visors had started chasing them.

"Rory! Get Rose, Mickey and Jack!" she ordered him.

"Is it really important? Rose is sulking in her room, Mickey's doing something with your computer and Jack's back in the TARDIS with Christina," said Rory.

"What's Jack doing in the TARDIS with – actually, never mind. I don't wanna know. But this is really important! Tell them there are Slitheen in a supermarket and they're chasing us!" Clara shouted into the phone.

"Alright, alright! You don't have to shout," he said.

"Yes I do! They're going to kill us!" she said. But Rory had gone, to find the others presumably, so they were stuck waiting as Martha started to drive in completely the wrong direction.

"I'm circling round so they don't find out where you live," she said, seeing Clara's confused face in the mirror.

"Yeah?" an American accent said into the phone.

"Thank god," said Clara, "listen, there are Slitheen in ASDA, and they're chasing us in a car right now," said Clara.

"Are you sure they're Slitheen?" he asked.

"Yes! They unzipped their heads and they're big and green and terrifying!" she said.

"Is there vinegar here?" Jack asked seriously.

"What!?" Clara asked, having no idea why Jack had just asked for vinegar.

"Yes, she has vinegar! I saw it while I was looking for coffee this morning," Eleven said.

"Why were you looking for the coffee? You know where the coffee is, you can see it on the side," she questioned.

"I thought Mr Maitland might have some fancy high-quality coffee stashed away somewhere."

"You used his special coffee!? That coffee is imported straight from -" Jack cleared his throat to stop them bickering as Martha took a particularly vicious right turn and flung them to the other side of the car, Clara bashing into Eleven. "Sorry."

"Get back here! You don't have any vinegar in the car so you should get to where there is some," he said, then he hung up.

"Jack says get back to the house," Clara told Martha, who nodded and took the next left to circle back towards the Maitlands'.

They arrived back in minutes to see Jack, Rose and Mickey all stood outside and all holding cups with something in, probably vinegar going by the conversation Clara had had, but why vinegar was a weapon to use against huge, monstrous aliens that could somehow drive cars after you was a mystery to her.

"Get behind us!" Mickey said as the black car swerved to a stop opposite them. "Stay back! We're armed!"


	30. Everything Goes To Sinurmalcarbonate

_Everything Goes To Sinurmalcarbonate_

"What's vinegar gonna do against a bunch of monsters?!" Clara asked as one of them clambered out of the car - though how it had even fit in the car in the first place she had no idea.

"Calcium based lifeforms," said Nine, "vinegar makes them go boom."

"Boom? Whaddaya mean, 'boom'?!" asked Donna desperately.

"It means they explode. Literally. Hell of a mess to clean up," said Jack, grinning as the Slitheen in human form approached them. "Vinegar, can you smell it from over there?" he taunted.

"Doctor!" hissed the human-Slitheen.

"Hello, that's me!" said Nine happily, waving from in between Jack and Rose.

"There are stories of you back on Raxacoricophalapatorius, stories that give the children nightmares," she hissed.

"Are they ready for some more?" he asked darkly, taking Jack's cup from him and threatening the Slitheen. In response, Jack pulled out his sonic blaster and aimed it.

"Oh, sorry, lowered the strength of that this morning, too," said Eleven, zapping Jack's gun back to full power. Jack gave him an annoyed look, but reloaded as the Slitheen started getting restless.

"What are the Slitheen doing in a supermarket on Earth?" Mickey asked them, however they just laughed in his face in return like it was obvious why a group of aliens would want to run a supermarket. Nine, Eleven, Clara, Martha, Donna, Rose, Jack and Mickey (everyone else was inside trying to calm down Ten).

"Ah-ha!" said Eleven suddenly, fumbling with something in one of his bottomless pockets. He pulled out a jar of pickled eggs he had apparently just stolen from the supermarket. Clara watched him curiously as he scanned it with his screwdriver and grinned triumphantly. "How many do you have control over, eh?" he asked, "come on, how many shops?"

"2000," answered the Slitheen curtly. Eleven gawped.

"_Two-thousand_!?" he said, "You've got two-thousand shops across the planet just to stop vinegar getting into peoples' homes?!"

"If that's not vinegar then what is it?" asked Martha suspiciously.

"Dunno, really. Hard to tell," he said, eyeing it.

"Sinurmalcarbonate," said the human-Slitheen. At once, Eleven screamed like a girl and threw the jar to Donna, who fumbled it but managed to catch it, "genetically altered to taste and smell like your Earth vinegar."

"Doctor, what is it?"

"It's Slitheen wee... sort of..." he said. Donna screamed and threw the jar away from her where it hit the sleek, black car their pursuers had donned.

"What do you mean 'genetically altered'?" asked Nine.

"Chemicals, sprayed on eggs at the hatchery," said the actual Slitheen, "I don't know the science, but it means they secrete the Sinurmalcarbonate. Then we put it in jars and sell it to you, completely harmless to the Slitheen!" Nine scanned the vinegar in the cup he was holding.

"That's real vinegar though, which means, if I do this-" he said, tossing the liquid in the cup straight at the Slitheen out-of-skin, "you die!" at once the creature started hissing and screaming, the other, human Siltheen backing off towards the car. Smoke rose from it as its skin bubbled and boiled, before it stopped moving and making any sound.

Then, they were showered with green goop, following a loud bursting sound like a water balloon, and they were all completely drenched in monster-guts. Clara was too stunned by what had just happened to really notice what was going on as she saw the black car speed away out of the corner of her eye.

"Why the hell didn't you warn us that was going to happen!?" she said angrily, wiping the disgusting goop from her eyes and flicking it from her fingers at Eleven, who didn't look particularly pertubed.

"I thought it would be a nice surprise," he said, but he quickly changed his attitude when she glowered at him and started hitting his arms. "I did warn you! I said it would go boom if we threw vinegar at it!"

"God I hate you sometimes," grumbled Donna. "Shower dibs!"

"No! I have first dibs because it's _my _house," Clara argued, which sparked a whole bunch of rows. Clara eventually realised how difficult dead alien would be to get out of the carpet and furnishings, and lead them all around the back of the house and into the garden, where the others had great fun mocking them all and spraying them with a hosepipe before Clara finally deemed they could enter the house.

"Well, that was fun," said Eleven, he and Clara inside and standing in the kitchen while Clara dried her face with a tea towel since Donna had won their previous row about shower dibs. And then Martha had called second before her. And Rose had called third. And she was fourth in line, annoyingly. In her own house, too.

But the shower dibs were the least of her worries as her second phone (which had been saved from the goop and the hose, thankfully) rang and she picked up to Artie's worried voice.

"Artie? What's wrong?" she asked seriously, frowning as she spoke. Eleven leaned down next to her to listen to the phone, ignoring her attempts to shoo him away. "Sorry, what was that?" she asked him, Eleven distracting her so much she couldn't hear Artie. In the end she resolved to just hold his face at bay.

"It's Angie," said Artie.

"What's wrong with Angie?"

"Umm... I'm not sure," said Artie.

"What do you mean you're not sure?"

"Well..."

"Artie! Put Angie on the phone," said Eleven, finally snatching the device from Clara and holding it where she couldn't reach. She gave up eventually and pouted, crossing her arms and glaring at him. "Please?... Hello, Angie!... What do you mean, you're not Angie?... Well who are you then!?... _What_?... It's not appropriate to say that when you're possessing a teenager!... Right... We'll be there to pick you up... Cinema?... Alright, half an hour. Bye!" he hung up.

"What's going on?" she asked him.

"Well... Don't be angry..."

"If you tell me not to be angry I'll just assume whatever you're going to tell me is going to make me angry anyway!" she said.

"Right... You know how the TARDIS is alive? And has a soul?"

"Yes, a soul that hates me for no reason," she said, annoyed.

"When the TARDIS dies, the soul searches around for the nearsest suitable lifeform to cling to. And she appears to have deemed Angie a suitable match..." he got quieter and quieter as the sentence progressed.

"_WHAT!? THE TARDIS HAS POSSESSED ANGIE!?_" she yelled.

"In a nutshell," he said, backing away from his now seething wife, who couldn't find it in herself to so much as hit him again. Instead she just waved her arms and grabbed her car keys from the table, taking his hand and pulling him out the back as Jack was getting hosed down.

"Where're you two going?" he called.

"Out!" she growled, "we'll be back in an hour! We have to go get the kids."

"They're not my kids though," said Eleven.

"Why would he think they were your kids?!" she asked him. He shrugged and she shook her head, mumbling curses to herself as she pulled him out of the fence. First the return of Christina De Souza (who had not been seen since their return), then Slitheen in a supermarket, now a TARDIS-possessed teenager to deal with. _What could possibly happen next_?


	31. Hello Clara's Father

_Hello Clara's Father!_

Two hours later. Clara and the Eleventh Doctor were sat on the end of the sofa bed in the Maitland's living room. 'Angie' was sat in the chair opposite, flicking her gaze between the couple, glaring at Clara and grinning at Eleven, repeatedly. Donna, Martha, Rory, River and Amy were all standing around and watching. Rose had retired to the bathroom, they could still her Ten's frantic attempts to reconcile from the floor above. Jack had returned to Christina, and Clara didn't even want to think about what they were doing. Nine was leaning in the kitchen doorway and watching 'Angie'.

"Doctor, what's she doing?" Clara whispered to him. 'Angie' could probably hear her, but she felt safer whispering.

"You called her a she!" said Eleven happily.

"Only because your stupid machine is stuck inside a girl," Clara said so his expression saddened. Not that she was particularly bothered at this point, she blamed him for this entirely. All three of him.

"I think she's trying to display hatred towards you," he said, eyeing the teenager suspiciously. "At any rate, this is a very dangerous process."

"Dangerous?! You didn't mention dangerous!" she shouted at him. Then 'Angie' laughed. "Oh, so you find my anger funny now?!"

"Affirmitive," said 'Angie', the first word she had spoken all day. Clara glared at her. Their dislike for oneanother was mutual.

"The last person to hold the soul of the TARDIS burned," he said.

"Nice of you to mention that now," commented Amy.

"Sorry! It slipped my mind!"

"It slipped your mind for a whole two hours to possibly mention she might die?!" demanded Clara, causing 'Angie' to laugh again.

"Calm down, wifey," said Eleven, "It's really important we don't induce any emtions in her or the process can speed up."

"I should probably go then since it hates me," she said bitterly.

"No, you don't have to go!" Eleven said as she got up, still holding her hand.

"It does," said 'Angie'.

"I'm not an it,"said Clara.

"Neither am I," said 'Angie'. They glared at eachother before the former stomped off, leaving her husband to tend to the teenager/time-machine so she could shower since she was still sopping wet and stank of various alien juices.

She had a small row with Rose over possession of the bathroom since Ten was sat outside and refusing to move, though after he heard about the TARDIS-Angie he bolted off like lightning, and Rose went to loiter in Clara's (and now Eleven's, it seemed) bedroom temporarily.

She emerged a while later, once she was convinced the stench was washed clear and now wearing fresh clothes, to see Eleven pouting moodily on the stairs.

"What's up?" she asked him, trying to towel dry her still-damp hair.

"Don't go downstairs," he advised her. She frowned.

"Why?"

"It would seem the TARDIS has access to Angie's memories, too," he said, "and I know how you hate being the butt of a joke you're not in on."

"Wait - you mean - is it - _is it talking about me_?!" she asked angrily. He nodded glumly. "So why are you up here?"

"Didn't want you to be lonely," he said.

"So why are you in a mood if you're just being nice?" she asked suspiciously, he was a terrible liar. He jumped to his feet however.

"Because Angie + TARDIS + memories = embarassment for both of us," he said, "lots of lies."

"But are they really lies?" she asked coyly. He smiled.

"No," he said, kissing her for the third time (not that she was counting or anything). She was also glad the hall was empty, but a rumble of laughter downstairs and something to do with the Cold War broke them apart, annoyingly. She'd been enjoying herself. "Well, some of them are."

"Like what?" she asked.

"She started telling some story about us cooking together at a family barbeque," he said. "And then there was the rather embarassing one about Angie witnessing me asking Mr Maitland for your hand in marriage."

"What..?" she asked, incredibly confused about the whole situation, "wait, about that last-"

"No! It's not true!" he said, "he's not even your father."

"Did you ask-"

"No, I didn't ask your father either. It wasn't like it was planned," he said.

"How do I know it wasn't planned?" she asked, walking backwards up the stairs to the attic.

"Well, you don't. I just thought - since we're married now and there are vows (at least I think we made vows) - you should believe me," he said, keeping in step with her so they maintained eye level.

"Of course I believe you, Chin," she said. "It's just fun messing with you. Not quite as fun as kissing you though," she said, leaning back into him so they were touching again as they kept walking up the stairs, Clara fully aware of Rose's nosy presence.

"Having fun there?" Rose asked loudly, after clearing her throat a number of times.

"Hi, Rose!" said Clara brightly, pulling away from Eleven and waving.

"Hi," she said, sullen, not bothering to wave back. She was sat at Clara's desk with a cup of tea she had conjoured from somewhere. "Your husband made it," Rose answered her face.

"He did, did he?" she asked.

"Yes, why?" said Eleven who was bright red still from their kissing.

"You said earlier you only make tea for your wife...s," she corrected herself.

"She is my wife, a little. Half-wife, quarter-wife, even," he said. Clara rolled her eyes, giving up on his Time Lord logic. "I made you a cup, too!" he said, passing her a mug of tea from... somewhere (truthfully she had no idea where the tea came from, but she took it greatfully anyway).

"Can't deny you're together now," said Rose, slurping her tea.

Clara put on her best teenager-impression, courtesy of Angie, when she spoke next: "Get with the program, Rose, that's _so_ two days ago."

"I'm sure that lot downstairs will be interested to know about this," said Rose.

"That lot downstairs already think a whole lot worse about us than what just happened," said Clara, "like him asking Mr Maitland for my hand in marriage. He's not even my dad."

"Not that I did ask her dad," said Eleven.

"He probably did," said Clara.

"No, I didn't!"

"It's rude not to," said Rose. Eleven went pale.

"Is it?" he asked.

"Very," said Rose. He was gone in a second.

"Don't worry! I already know his phone number!" he called back.

"What?!" shouted Clara, completely dazed. The Doctor had just gone to call her father - a man he had never met - and say he'd married his daughter in Las Vegas after they'd more-or-less eloped.

"Sorry! I didn't think he'd do that!" said Rose, holding her arms up in surrender.

"You don't know him the same way I do," said Clara, throwing paper around as she looked for her phone, trying to beat the Doctor.

"What way's that?" asked Rose. Clara scowled at her as she finally found her phone and hit the speed dial for her father.

"Oh thank God..." she said as she heard the phone ring. "Dad! Hi!"

"Clara?" he asked.

"Yes, dad, it's me," she said.

"What's wrong?" he asked her.

"What do you mean what's wrong? Nothing's wrong. Why would you think something was wrong?" she asked.

"Clara Oswald..." he said sternly. Clara found her name slightly empty without the 'Oswin' crammed into the middle.

"Sorry. What's you're opinion on people, say, eloping. With someone they've only known for a few months. In Las Vegas. While under the influence?" she said. She could hear the anger radiating through the phone line as her father whispered the next question.

"You're in Las Vegas?" he growled through gritted teeth.

"Not anymore...?" she said, then he exploded. And then Eleven returned into the room, bounding like a puppy. Clara holding the phone away from her face as her father yelled incoherant words.

"Mr Oswald! Hello! I'm the Doctor, we've spoken once before, about the government mainly. I'm your daughter's husband! Your son-in-law!" said Eleven, grabbing the phone from Clara. "Well that's not entirely... No, nothing like that... She _is_ 24... No stable job, persay... Live? I'm sort of homeless... I'm about 1200% sure that didn't happen, even though I don't remember... We did not meet in Vegas!... No!... Of course I do!... Yes, multiple times... Alright, four... Two of them are dead... I am _not_ a murderer!" Clara finally managed to snatch the phone back and Rose, since this was her fault, took it upon herself to hold Clara's husband at bay.

"I'm so sorry about him," she said, "he took the phone."

"Where are you right now?! Are you at George's? I'm coming over!" he said.

"NO!" she yelled, "I mean... Don't come over. There are guests, and we're all spring cleaning. Plus, you live in Lancashire. That's hours away."

"Spring cleaning? Is that teenage code for something?" he grumbled.

"I'm twenty-four, Dad. I'm not a teenager. Spring cleaning _means_ spring cleaning."

"I don't like him," said her father.

"Neither do I, sometimes," she said, glaring at Eleven, "especially when he _steals the phone from my hand_!"

"What have I done, wifey?!" Eleven asked loudly. Rose mouthed 'sorry'.

"_Wifey_?" he asked, "you have nicknames already? How long have you-"

"2 days," Clara cut across. "And don't ask, I don't know why he does it. I haven't asked, either."

"I want to meet him," said her dad.

"Okay. We'll visit on... Wednesday..?" she looked to the Doctor for confirmation of the date. Thankfully he gave a thumbs up. "Yes, Wednesday is good."

"Make sure to bring some flowers for your mother, at least," he said.

"I will," she answered quietly, not wanting to cry. Not here and not now. "I'll get some really nice ones. And so will the Doctor... Bye, Dad. Love you." She hung up.

"I am staying to see this," said Rose. "Actually, maybe I'll just stay."

"All these paradoxes can't be good for the fabric of reality," said Eleven.

"Reality can wait, the Doctor meets the parents. This I've got to see."

"What do you mean, I always meet peoples' parents," he said. "And I get slapped by them, too."


	32. Banished From The Cult

_Banished From The Cult_

"We've still got this teeny-weeny problem with the Slitheen," Clara pointed out a while later. She and Eleven were both sat on the airbed, Rose on a pillow opposite. They had been exchanging more, considerably less embarassing, stories about their adventures.

"Well we can't go back anyway, they know our scents. They'd easily catch us out," Eleven explained. "And the other two Doctors are both trying to fix Angie."

"So what you're saying is, we have nothing to do?" said Rose.

"Just about," said Eleven. "Isn't it relaxing?"

"It's boring," said Rose. It was at that moment they heard footsteps stomping angrily in the direction of the attic and Martha appeared.

"Come to join the party?" asked Clara, "it's pretty wild up here, we're on our third round of tea." Eleven had apparently snuck downstairs while Clara had been in the shower and stolen the normal kettle and a bottle of normal milk and the Maitland's teapot, which was where the tea had been appearing from.

"They're laughing about me!" whined Martha.

"Wow, I wonder what that feels like," mused Clara sarcastically.

"Alright, fair point," agreed Martha, sitting on the floor on Rose's right.

"Earth is so boring!" shouted Eleven suddenly, making the other three jump, "I honestly have no idea how you all cope! And _you've_ been exiled in your own house!" he pointed at Clara.

"It's not my house, it's Mr Maitland's, which makes it more Angie's house than mine," she corrected him. "And that was rude!"

"Where's a spaceship when you need one?" he asked exasperatedly, "Strange..." he said a few seconds later, after nothing happened, "usually something bad happens whenever someone says something like that."

"Must be our lucky day," said Martha, "a chance to relax."

"Brilliant! Relaxing! How do you relax?" asked Eleven.

"Watch TV?" suggested Rose.

"Go to the beach?" suggested Clara.

"Have a nap?" suggested Martha.

"That's what you humans do in the summer?" he asked, "what about... a waterfight?" his eyes lighting up like a child. He was met with mass disagreement from the trio of girls, all of them knowing the childlike Eleventh Doctor would not mix well with water guns. "You're all boring."

"There's a barbeque in the shed?" said Clara. "Might as well make another of their stories come true."

"Another?" asked Martha. Rose explained to her about the phonecall incident while Clara stared daggers at Eleven and the man himself shuffled about sheepishly as Martha burst out laughing.

"Yeah, alright! It's not that funny," he said. "You'll thank me in five years when it's a brilliant anecdote. What about a theme park?"

"It's late on a Saturday in July! You won't get on any rides," said Clara.

"I'm an idiot," he said, hitting himself without warning. "There's a broken flying bus down there I could be fixing!" he shouted, then he ran off.

"Have fun!" his wife called back, but a minute later he was back in the room.

"Forgot something," he said, then he bent down and kissed Clara quickly, waving as he ran off again. Rose completely ignored this, but Martha, who as of yet did not know the status of Clara and the Doctor's relationship (apart from their marriage) was stunned to silence.

"Did you..? Am I..? Are you..?" she stammered

"Am I what?" asked Clara.

"You and him... Did he just... Or am I dreaming?"

"We're married, it's not _illegal_! Not like carrying a taser around with you," said Clara.

"But you're...?"

"We're what?!"

"Are you together?!"

"Yes, not got that yet since we were married two days ago!? This ring's a bit obvious don't you think?" said Clara as Rose laughed along.

"Fine, whatever!" she said, "not being very discreet though."

"I reckon we should still get out this barbeque," said Rose, "I'm starved. We get first choice of everything, obviously."

"Obviously," said Clara. On their way down the stairs and into the back garden they discussed what they were going to cook, only then realising how hungry they all were.

"Whatcha doing?" asked Amy as they went to look through the freezer in the adjoined kitchen.

"Getting food," said Martha, "we're having a barbeque."

"Another? Is the Doctor missing this time?" Amy asked Clara, causing sniggers from the room. It was like they were intruding on some sort of cult meeting.

"There's only ever been 'this time'," said Clara. "She's been lying."

"Have not," said 'Angie'. Artie was currently at a friend's house and could not try and stop the rumours spreading through the group. "Next you'll be saying you _weren't_ up there kissing for the last hour."

"We weren't," she lied, hoping she wasn't blushing and that the other two wouldn't tell the cult, "that would be hypocritical of the time I caught you - or Angie, whatever - with a boy in your - or her - room and I said-"

"We don't need to hear any more of your lies," said 'Angie', knowing what Clara had been saying was completely true. Clara smirked proudly to herself as she held two boxes of frozen burgers and some onions, passed to her by Rose and Martha.

"Can I help?" asked Ten, looking longingly at the food.

"No! You two are meant to be fixing the girl," Rose said coldly to Ten and Nine, then she left Clara and Martha as she went to search through the shed.

"Should we let them have some?" Martha asked.

"No, I'm sure the cult have some sort of ritual sacrifice they can make to summon food," said Clara as they left.

"Oi! We'll sacrifice you in a minute if you don't share!" Donna yelled after them, but Clara had closed the door behind her, now hoping the house would become much too stuffy for them to cope without melting in the heat that was about 35°.

Rose was wheeling out the barbeque, the bags of coal already on the grass nearby.

"Oi, food!" Martha shouted, hitting her fist against the TARDIS door where Jack and Christina were lurking.

"Tell us when it's ready!" Jack shouted back.

"The Doctor better decontaminate it in there soon," said Martha, walking away from the blue box.

Soon enough, the afternoon heat peaked to the late thirties and the smell of barbeque was drifting around them in the air. So much so the windows in the kitchen had been opened just to allow the scent through, and it had also lead Eleven away from the 200 he'd been trying in vain to repair to come druel over the food. But after a few minutes of this Clara had handed him the fish slice and made him do his fair share, not that she didn't try to distract him by getting in his way repeatedly and flirting constantly. She dareden't kiss him though, partly for fear of the cult onlooking and partly for fear of their late lunch's fate.

"Uh-oh," said Rose suddenly. It was now about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and the sun had dipped behind the clouds for a few minutes. "We don't have any bread. Or sauce. Or drinks."

"There's some buns and loaves in the kitchen," said Clara.

"Yeah, but that's the kitchen. The cult are in the kitchen," said Rose.

"So someone'll distract them all from this side and then somebody else can sneak in behind them," said Martha.

"Sounds risky," said Clara.

"I know my way around her kitchen," said Eleven proudly.

"Bet that's not all of hers you know your way around," said Rose. She and Martha laughed as Clara tried to ignore them and Eleven stomped off huffily.

"You'll need to make some loud noises so they don't hear the sonic," he said.

"The door's unlocked," Clara told him. He looked even more embarassed than he did before - if that were possible.

"I'll go with him, keep him quiet," said Martha.

"How're you planning on doing that?" asked Rose, "gonna put something in his mouth?"

"Okay, I can hear you both, and he can hear you both," said Clara, "will you actually just drop it?"

Martha and Eleven disappeared, and as Clara tended the grill Rose went up to the kitchen window to tap on it.

"Having fun in there?" she called in.

"Actually we're a bit cold," said Donna sarcastically.

"Wanna come out here then? It's lovely and warm. You have to taste these burgers," she said.

"Gonna let us have some then, are you? Now you've kidnapped my wife," said Mickey.

"Kidnapped? She just didn't like having a cult take cheap shots at her for no reason," said Rose.

"What's with this 'cult' thing?" asked Amy. Now she, Rory, Donna and Mickey were crowding the window.

"You're sat there in a circle in the dark," Clara shouted from the other side of the garden where she was stuck. This drew River's attention away from 'Angie', too. The conversation escalated, more discussions about cults and the rituals they were probably carrying out. Then it somehow evolved into an argument about Clara's relationship status - (i)again(i) - and from that warped into another step in Ten and Rose's falling out as Rose ended up taking a few choice but below-the-belt hits at Ten and his relationship with Christina.

"Wifey, we're ba-ack!" rang through the air suddenly and Clara's attention shifted from Rose and Ten (now howling through the small window). Martha was holding the bread and sauce while Eleven was holding quite a few bottles, one of them appearing to be champagne, and a bag full of glasses.

"Bye!" said Rose, slamming the window suddenly and 'accidentally' catching Ten's fingers in the lock. He yelped through the double glazing.

"Where'd they get all that from?!" they heard Donna shout through the glass as the cult went searching the kitchen.

"Got all the glasses," said Eleven, "and I sonicked your heating on. They'll see the error of their ways soon enough..."

"Very evil," commented Clara.

"Come on, wifey, don't let dinner burn," he said, stealing the fish slice from her grip and going to carry on the cooking while the cult shouted and argued with eachother as they slowly dehydrated.


	33. Who's Sexy?

**AN: So I'm thinking of maybe trying write Jenny (the Doctor's daughter if anyone's forgotten) into it in a later plotline, so it won't be for a while yet, but I was wondering what everyone's opinion was on that. I think it's too good an opportunity to miss, it'd be great to introduce her and have her travel with them for a bit (I have fourteen characters currently present, I'm sure thirteen won't be too much of a strain). Secondly, I'm changing the viewpoint in a few chapters (3.5 actually) to Rose, it's refreshing to write as another character. And finally what are everyone's thoughts on vashta nerada? I really wanna write them back in, I think it'd be an interesting plot dynamic.**

_Who's Sexy?_

Their dinner did not burn, as it happened. One of the few things Clara had cooked in her life that she had not burned, but she gaved the other three credit for it since she had done very little of the actual cooking.

Jack and Christina _finally_ emerged from the TARDIS looking completely (and falsely) innocent. Nobody wanted to know anything about what they'd been doing alone in a blue box for quite a few hours, and they weren't particularly interested in telling, either, thankfully. The group of five sat outside happily munching into their dinner, the cult remaining indoors, sweating in the stifling afternoon heat.

"I feel a bit guilty," said Martha, glancing at the house.

"They have to learn not to be so awful," said Clara sternly.

"Didn't do much good the last time," said Martha, remembering Clara trapping them in the TARDIS kitchen. But it was then there was frantic banging on the windows and the doors of the house, and shouting reached their ears as Donna kicked the door open.

"Something's wrong!" she shouted, panicking.

"What is it?" asked Clara first. 'Angie' emerged in the doorway, supported by Amy and Rory. Clara dropped her burger on the grass and ran over, closely followed by the others. "Angie? Angie, what's wrong? That is Angie, right?" Clara asked any of the three present Doctors now all fourteen of them had piled into the garden. 'Angie' herself appeared to be in some sort of trance, almost like she was having a fit or a seizure, and her eyes were glowing bright gold. Eleven scanned her quickly.

"Sort of, she's in crisis. The TARDIS needs to leave Angie's body and find a new host, that's what's happening now," said Eleven.

"So she's not dying?!" asked Clara urgently, trying to help Angie. Eleven gave her a serious look but didn't answer. "Doctor! DOCTOR!" she demanded.

"Doctor..." said Rose suddenly from behind them, "I don't feel well..." at once Ten seemed to forget about Angie, the dying child, and rushed to Rose's side to aid her.

"Rose, what's wrong?" he asked seriously, kneeling in front of her. Her eyes were shut and she was holding her head.

"I don't know... My head it just... _burns_," she said, opening her eyes and showering Ten with the golden glow that they were emitting. Clara glanced from Angie to Rose as the light left Angie's eyes and bolted through the air, pouring itself into Rose's head.

"What's happening?!" Donna asked.

"Energy transfer," said Nine, "the heart of the TARDIS is going into Rose's head! But she can't handle it!"

"What, and a teenage girl can?!" Clara argued.

"Rose's mind has already been corrupted by the TARDIS, it'll have to leave almost straight away," he explained quickly. But Angie's eyes had now stopped glowing.

"Clara..? Doctor..?" Angie croaked upon seeing their faces.

"Angie? Is that you?" Clara asked. Angie managed to nod, still being supported by Amy and Rory. "Oh thank god!" she said, dragging the girl into a hug that she was incredibly embarassed by.

"Get off, you're not my mum," said Angie.

"And I'm not trying to be," Clara answered. They had that tiny conversation a lot, Angie often thinking her slightly insensitive remarks about her mother would make Clara leave her alone. But now it was more-or-less habit.

"Rose? Rose, can you hear me?" Ten was asking.

"I'm not Rose... I'm Sexy," answered the TARDIS.

"You're _what_?" asked Ten, very confused.

"No! How many times, it's not appropriate to just say things like that, no matter whose body you're in," said Eleven to the TARDIS, or Sexy as it apparently wanted to be known as. Wisely, Clara stayed out of the fray and remained with Angie. The TARDIS shrugged. "Amy, get me the kettle with the artron energy. It's the one in the kitchen."

"I know which kettle you mean," Angie said, "your kettle is painted TARDIS blue, just like everything in your kitchen." Eleven looked annoyed at this remark, Clara could've sworn she heard him make a comment going along the lines of _what's wrong with TARDIS blue?_,but she didn't pursue it.

"Are you alright?" Clara asked Angie, sitting her on a folding deck chair somebody had passed over.

"What happened?" she asked.

"You were at the cinema and the TARDIS possessed you, I think," said Clara, "and now it's possessing Rose." Clara wasn't listening to the three Doctors fuss over Rose, she and Martha were watching carefully over Angie.

Amy returned momentarily with the kettle and handed it to Eleven, he and the others trying to coax the TARDIS into Jack's body, seeing as Jack had been flooded with time energy since Rose brought him back to life, seeing as Jack had also been charged with artron energy and was completely capable of keeping the TARDIS alive and as it was also impossible for him to die. At least not for a few million years.

"Here you go," she said.

"Brilliant!" he replied, getting up and running with the kettle into the little - but sadly also dead - blue box he called his home. "Come along, Pond!" he shouted, making Amy follow after him. River followed him in, too, Rory glancing up for a minute but then deciding it was better to stay where he was needed as the energy transfer between Jack and Rose commenced.

"Bit dull on the sidelines," said Martha, watching them fuss around as the shimmering light of the TARDIS filled the air again, passing between Jack and Rose, and also the yells and bangs from inside the machine itself as Eleven, Amy and River tried to fix it.

"Doesn't matter," said Clara, "people need to be on the sidelines. Like doctors. I mean, proper doctors. Not those three."

"Suppose so," said Martha, "I'm just not used to being out of the action. I haven't actually been out of the action since 2007, when I was still a medical student."

"Then you met the Doctor," said Clara.

"Then I met the Doctor," Martha echoed. "Angie, I need to check for concussion. How many fingers am I holding up?" she said, changing her attention to Angie and doing her concussion checks as best she could without the proper equipment.

"Ah-ha! Let there be light!" Clara heard Eleven shout from within the TARDIS somewhere. There was a blueish flash, then a very dull greenish glow from Nine and Ten's console room, "Well that was a bit rubbish..." he said as he left, then he noticed Clara and Martha sat with Angie, who didn't seem at all well, and now Martha had declared she had a mild concussion she certainly wasn't getting better.

"You need some painkillers and some bedrest. Trust me, I'm a qualified doctor. A real doctor," Martha gave Eleven a look.

"Not going to prescribe anything for Clara's eye, then?" Eleven asked.

"Be quiet about my eye, it's just a bruise, it's fine," she said.

"Ever figure out how you got that bruise?" asked Martha.

"Yep, you punched me in the face when we were all drunk the other night," Clara answered. Martha nodded guiltily and shut up. "Come on, Angie, I'll take you upstairs."

"Yes, so will I," said Eleven.

"Isn't Sexy over there a bigger problem right now?" said Clara, nodding in the direction of TARDIS-Jack, who looked completely content in its new body. "Go see Rose, she probably needs some sleep, too."

"Fine," he said grimly. Clara shook her head as she and Martha took the liberty of taking Angie up into her room, which was thankfully dark and cool, where she was asleep within minutes.

As they left that room they made way as Nine and Ten were helping Rose into Mr Maitland's room, and his name in Clara's head brought everything flooding back as she sprinted down the stairs to find Eleven.

"Doctor, the house!" she said when she finally located him, "the house is a mess!"

"So?" he asked.

"So there's a broken down bus, smashed and broken bits of pottery and dead alien goo in the front garden! What the hell is George gonna do when he gets back _tomorrow_?!" she asked.

"Tomorow?! When tomorrow?!" he asked.

"Dunno, late. About ten at night," she answered. He sighed with relief. "What?"

"TARDIS is recharged in eighteen hours," he said, "about ten in the morning. We'll be gone. We can get the kids, travel to the afternoon and drop them off as he gets back."

"But what about the mess?!" she asked.

"I'm sure between us all we can sort it out! There are definitely ten of us who can work, possibly eleven, maybe even twelve. That's enough," he said.

"You'd better be right..."


	34. Rainbow Mugs

**AN: I think this is a pretty well-written chapter if anyone wants my opinion on my own fic. It's not as dialogue heavy as the last... every single chapter has been... and some fluff (not just whoufflé (even though they are completely adorable)). Enjoy :) and as always I'm 900% open for any suggestions.**

_Rainbow Mugs_

Shopping with the Doctor was a nightmare, especially when you had to go looking for a supermarket where there weren't any Slitheen waiting to kill them all, which had taken quite a while, admitedly. They'd had to completely restock on food after robbing another cash machine and getting a few hundred pounds, and also get some replacements for a number of ornaments Rose had broken in her blind rage.

Clara and Eleven had been on the shopping duty. Martha and Rory had been on look after the sick (who compiled of Rose and Angie) duty. River had been on watch Jack-TARDIS duty. Christina and Mickey had been on fix the bus duty. Donna, Nine and Amy had been on clean the front garden duty. Finally, Ten was on keep an eye on the proper TARDIS and clean up the barbeque duty.

It was nearly nine o'clock at night by the time the first couple returned home, laden with takeaway pizzas and quite a few bags of shopping for all to enjoy. They sat out in the garden in the clear, starry night, eating. Rose and Angie sat with them (and also Artie as he had been returned home while Clara had been out) as they listened to Christina's many stories about various jewellery heists she had pulled.

"There was this one time where I was going for the Mona Lisa, I had to seduce every single guard in the Luvre to get through and by the end of it none of them remembered my face. Poision lipstick, induced amnesia. Good thing we were in France," she was saying.

"Did you get the Mona Lisa though? I don't remember hearing about it on the news," said Donna, frowning, her eyebrows knotted together.

"You wouldn't have, I left a replica in it's place. They still haven't noticed," she said, slurping her drink proudly. Most of them were gawping in amazement of the master theif, but the three Doctors were looking at her judgingly. They made quite a good team when it came to cleaning the house together, and it was practically spotless. Perfect, even.

"Yeah, alright, that's enough from you," said Eleven, his empty pizza box lying on the floor in front of him. Clara remembered the look of sheer terror on the face of the acne-ridden teen when they'd ordered fourteen pizzas (apparently River the suddenly-solid-hologram didn't need to eat). "Someone else must have a good story."

"I have one," said Martha, "once, he ended up getting us stuck in 1969, without any kind of transport to get back..." and so she told the story of them being sent back in time by the Weeping Angels, which lead to Amy and Rory talking about their multiple run-ins with the creatures, even talking briefly about their trip to Manhatten and how it happened they now lived in 1930s America.

"That's nothing, shoulda seen the time he went all the way to the end of the universe," said Jack. Jack could juggle the TARDIS's personality a whole lot better than Angie, and he kept switching between them and having discussions with himself, often changing the way he was facing depending on whether he was himself or the TARDIS. They were staying up until ten o'clock, which was just minutes away, because that was when the TARDIS itself would be charged up enough to hold it's soul and Jack could be released.

"That was your fault," the TARDIS answered Jack, switching the way he was facing to look in the opposite direction of Clara.

"Oh, it's my fault he tried to leave before I could get into the TARDIS properly?" said Jack, turning left.

"Of course it is, you shouldn't'a died in the future," said the TARDIS to the right.

"It is _not_ my fault I was killed by the Daleks!" said Jack angrily.

"Oh, would you look at the time," Ten interrupted Jack's argument with himself, "it's just gone ten! Sorry, Jack. Say goodbye to your friend!" Ten and Nine both got up to undertake the difficult task of trying to force Jack to let the TARDIS leave his body, while Clara was undertaking the even _more_ difficult task of trying to lean against Eleven while he had his arm around he cosily and not look like a couple to the only two in the know, though Jack and Christina had probably figured it out by now.

"Bedtime yet?" Eleven asked the group. _Why did he have to draw attention to us?_, Clara thought as she quickly sat up on her own again and slurped her tea non-chalantly.

"Yep, I'm really tired," said Rose, getting up.

"Me too," said Angie. Both of them had been sat with blankets around them, trying their best to stay awake.

"I'll bring you a hot chocolate," Clara offered. Which then kick-started twelve other calls requesting hot chocolate. "Alright, fine! I'll make it for everyone."

She got up to go into the kitchen, stiff from being sat down for so long, walking in step with the slow-paced Rose and Angie as they made their way to their beds. The Ponds were still remaining outside, and Mickey and Martha had yet to go anywhere, and Donna had just called something out about needing to have another shower after cleaning up 'all the bloody monster poo', in her words.

Clara was in the kitchen. In her shopping trip she had decided to buy enough mugs for them, mugs which would also be moving back into the TARDIS with them the following morning.

"Still haven't stopped the Slitheen," Clara commented, seeing Eleven try and discreetly slip into the kitchen in the reflection of the kettle. She glanced around at him and smiled, a 'good-effort' smile he mistook for a warm, welcoming one. Though it was that too.

"No, I suppose that'll be a job when we have the TARDIS. Gathered up quite a few errands to run," he said, coming over to actually help his wife make drinks this time, instead of awkwardly fidgeting like a child like he had been the previous night.

"Gotta go to 2121 and return this money," said Clara, "actually there's quite a lot of business to do in Vegas."

"Tenth Doctor needs to get his tattoo removed, though I think Martha's face might heal without some extra help," he said.

"By 'extra help' I hope you don't mean wasting your regeneration energy..." said Clara.

"Well it'll only be half a decade!" he argued.

"No! Martha will be fine! There might be some surgery she can get in the future," said Clara, "we have to go back to the same day though, Jack's got unfinished business with a hen party. And everyone's rather excited to see you meet my father..."

"Leave it out, I was tricked," he said, arranging the mugs in colour order so it appeared like a rainbow for no particular reason. Except three of the mugs were TARDIS blue. The Doctor had tried to remember everyone's favourite colours as best he could, but it turned out he only knew Rose and Clara's, and the latter had been there with him. Three dark blue, one light blue and one red.

"What's with the mugs?" asked Martha, entering the room.

"Pick a colour, any colour!" said Eleven, flourishing his hand at the mugs like a salesman. Clara laughed, which made him beam.

"Green," said Martha after a few moments thought.

"Right! Okay! Just a sec, I have an idea," he said, plunging his hands into his pockets and circling around slightly as he searched for something, eventually drawing out a sharpie and holding it aloft above them like some sort of holy grail. He picked up the green mug and was about to write on it.

"I'll write my own name, thanks," said Martha, grabbing the mug from his grasp and taking the pen. She neatly wrote her name on it in fancy swirly writing, before setting it back down in it's respectful place. Clara took the pen and wrote her own name on the red mug.

"What do I write?" asked Eleven, picking up one of the blue mugs and staring at it in puzzlement. "I can't write 'the Doctor' because it would get confusing."

"Give it here," sighed Clara, scrawling a large number '11' on it. He grinned like a child when he saw her 'remarkable innovation', and gave her genuine applause, which she mostly ignored and shook her head at. He scribbled a '9' and a '10' on the other two mugs.

"Drinks ready yet?" asked Rory, walking into the kitchen a few minutes later. As it happened, by then the drinks were jus about ready.

"Yep. What colour?" Clara said.

"Oh, well... That dark green, I suppose. And orange, closest thing to red that isn't taken," he said, picking up Amy's drink, too. They had found out River did not need to eat or drink, so she didn't have a mug. There were just eleven bought, the TARDIS could easily supply any extras. Eleven passed Rory the drinks (and the pen) and he took them outside. "Night!" Rory called back.

Donna re-emerged soon enough (after Rory had returned the pen) and chose purple from the rainbow mugs, Mickey grabbing the yellow - the first one he saw - and doodling his name onto the side, and then finally Nine, Ten, Jack and Christina entered.

"Oh, drinks!" Ten exclaimed, picking up the TARDIS blue mug that already had his number on it, Nine doing the same. Then the former volunteered to take Rose's up to her in her sky blue mug.

"Don't spill it!" Clara shouted after him, not wanting to have to do another cleaning job before the morning, since it was getting a tad late.

"Let me guess, I'm left with pink?" asked Jack. Eleven nodded.

"Apparently so."

"Fair enough, I'd'a chosen it anyway," he wrote 'Captain Jack Harkness', the i dotted with a heart, in big, curvy writing on the side.

"Sorry, no coloured mug for you," Clara said to Christina.

"No colour? I take it this means I'm not staying?" she asked sadly, "again?"

"You can have one trip with us into the future, we can get some spare parts for the 200 there," said Eleven, "but apart from that, no." Christina sighed but took her mug.

"Where are you sleeping?" Clara asked Christina nosily.

"On the bus. It's got a bed now," said Christina. Clara nodded, impressed, as Christina left the house, giving Jack a sly wave on her way out, which he returned (though accompanied by a wink).

Now everyone had their hot chocolate (except Angie, but Clara was carrying hers upstairs in her favourite mug) Eleven and Clara decided it was time for bed. They went up together, Clara willing for a peaceful night... For once.

However, that seemed unlikely as they appeared on the landing before the sight of Ten and Rose in eachother's arms, their lips glued together as they writhed around unattractively in the middle of the hallway. Eleven's hand slapped his face as he covered his eyes.

"Excuse us!" Clara shouted at them, making them jump about a metre away from oneanother, Ten with Rose's lipstick on his face. The only difference was they were not drunk.

"We were just hugging," said Ten innocently, clearly unaware of how much they had seen.

"Well do you think you could hug in there?" she nodded towards Mr Maitland's room, the one they were apparently supposed to be occupying. "And you're both responsible for keeping the bed tidy!" she told them from the stairs into her room.


	35. I Still Prefer The Coral

_I Still Prefer The Coral_

Clara woke up the next morning cosy on a bed that was squishy and not her own, wrapped in somebody's arms, and those arms, it seemed, were the Eleventh Doctor's. She felt a bit of confusion as to why they were both on the airbed together, until she remembered her nightmare.

She didn't really remember any of the actual dream, just waking up and starting to cry immedietely and thinking of her mother, she supposed that had been what the nightmare had been about. She only remembered Eleven comforting her and then she'd ended up falling asleep against him.

That sorted out, she didn't know what time it was but she did know that she had no intention to move from her warm comfy position, quite liking the fact her husband's arm was a surprisingly soft pillow. Then she remembered he barely slept, and that he was probably awake. _Just pretend to be asleep_, she thought to herself, closing her eyes again and just relaxing against the Doctor.

"I know you're awake," he whispered to her a while later. _Damn_, she thought.

"It's not my fault you're such a good pillow," she quipped. He chuckled.

"What was your dream about?" he asked her. She rolled over carefully so they were face to face, though it was odd being at his eye level when she was usually so much shorter.

"Don't remember," said Clara truthfully.

"You were crying," he said seriously, "you woke up screaming for your mother..."

"I know that bit, but I don't remember. I just know it must have been about her," explained Clara, trying not to tear up.

"Come here, Impossible Girl," he said kindly, sitting up and pulling her up to sit with him, cuddling her, "we can go back to the TARDIS today, then we can stop the Slitheen with whatever they're planning. I'll cook you anything you want for breakfast." She laughed at him.

Suddenly there was a noise like a foghorn from outside that rang through the air around them, ripping through their sincere moment and making Eleven get to his feet in a flash, helping his wife up with him.

"What's happening?" she asked as he pulled her with him towards the window, pushing it open and sticking his head out. There were Nine and Jack, stood outside of the TARDIS and howling with laughter.

"Oi! Some of us are trying to sleep here!" he shouted out.

"Come on, the TARDIS is ready to go!" Jack called up. There were sounds of doors opening on the first floor. Clara presumed that was Rose going into the bathroom. There was a shout of second dibs from somewhere, and she impulsively yelled third while Eleven managed to scrape sixth in their daily competition for the bathroom, coming after Martha and Donna.

"I'm gonna go wake up the kids," said Clara, walking away from Eleven who was glaring at Jack and his past self out of the window.

"Not my kids," he said.

"Of course not your kids! Will you stop confirming the Maitlands as not yours?" she asked, slightly annoyed at him.

"I have to or people will think-"

"No, they won't," she said sternly. He pouted and met her gaze, saying nothing. Eventually she shook her head and made for the door.

"Are you sure you don't remember anything?" he said.

"...Yes," she replied after thinking. "I'm sure."

"Clara?" he called again.

"Yes, Chin?"

"On the TARDIS... We'll probably all be there for a while longer... Still don't know why the Dimestabilisers were acting up... Everyone wants to stay... Slitheen... Father..." he was garbling. She didn't bother to interupt, walking up to face him and quirk her eyebrows questioningly about what he was getting at. "Thing is... my arm, it's very soft!" he seemed to have found a train of proper talk the way his eyes lit up, "and I think having something soft to lie on will... Stop nightmares..?" She just stared at him.

"You mean like a new pillow?" she asked, though she obviously knew exactly what he was getting at.

"No, a very old pillow... About 1200 years old," he said awkwardly.

"We're gonna time travel to the year 800 for a pillow? Did they have pillows back then?" she quereyed.

"What? No! Do you know what I'm talking about?" he asked.

"...Pillows..?" she pretended to be confused.

"No, us! Me and you!"

"_We're_ pillows?" she said.

"No, we're married! And what do married people do..?" he asked, looking at her hopefully. She put on her best disorientated face.

"...Have arguments..?"

"No! Well, yes, I suppose, _sometimes_, but that's not what I'm talking about."

"And what are you talking about?"

"Beds!"

"Beds?"

"And us!"

"Us and beds?"

"Yes!"

"What about us and beds?"

"We should have a bed!"

"Yeah, everyone should have a bed, what about it?"

"A bed to share! We should... We _could_, I mean... share a bed..." he said finally, pink from embarassment.

"Why didn't you just say?" she asked, breaking into a smile and hugging him tightly.

"You think it's a good idea?" he asked, surprised.

"Yes, for the nightmares," she replied.

"What? Oh! Of course, the nightmares," he said. She giggled at him, she though he was cute when he hardly knew what he was talking about. She stood on her tiptoes to kiss him before bouncing away down the stairs to wake Angie and Artie, Ten loitering outside the bathroom, waiting for Rose to be finished.

"Have fun last night?" asked Clara.

"Who? Me? Last night? Why, what happened last night?" he said, his eyes flitting around wildly.

"Hugging," she reminded him as she went into Angie's room to wake the teen. Ten gasped behind her.

"That was nothing, Clara! You hear me? _Nothing_!" he shouted.

"I wouldn't tell Rose that..." she said.

It was midday by the time they were all happy to leave, and the final checks on the house had been carried out. Christina had managed to move the 200 a little away from the house and the Doctors had sonicked a perception filter over it, which would hopefully shroud it from any onlookers or nosy neighbours who hadn't seen it already.

Angie and Artie were coming with them, but they were staying in the TARDIS along with herself, Eleven, Nine, Amy, Rory, River, and Donna, who were keeping a very close watch on them. There couldn't be anything worse than losing two children in the shady part of Las Vegas in 2121.

"Woo! TARDIS!" Eleven yelled, running around the console, "Viva las vegas!"

"Last time you said that we ended up on a submarine in the middle of the Cold War with a Martian on board," said Clara, sherparding the Maitlands in ahead of her as the Doctors went to mess with the TARDIS controls. The console room had switched again into the more organic looking orange and copper one that had been Eleven's first TARDIS.

"Finally, one I know," said Amy thankfully, all of them glad for the extra space in this console room, it meant they wouldn't have to keep running off to sit in the kitchen. Maybe Clara would get a proper lounge put in for them all, since it seemed they'd all be staying for quite some time. If the stupid Snogbox would ever let her add any rooms, which she doubted.

"Oh, I like this one," commented Ten, grinning broadly as he entered Eleven's first TARDIS, "very natural. And orange, good colour. And shiny. And it's not dark like the others."

"Prefer the coral," pouted Nine. Ten gave him a look to show what a baby he was being about the different console rooms and that he should just accept it for what it was, which Nine acted like he hadn't seen and remained in a mood.

"All aboard for Vegas! Same place, same time?" asked Ten, hitting some buttons. Clara could have sworn the Doctors didn't even try to stabilise their journey, all fifteen of them being thrown about the place viciously by the fully restored TARDIS, for once it wasn't on the verge of collapse. It was refreshing.

"Here we are!" shouted Eleven over the brakes as they landed with a lurch somewhere. He pulled the screen down to his eye level and hit some buttons. "Yep, look at that! Exactly right!"

"Which reminds me, Jack made a promise to those girls," said Amy.

"What promise? What girls?" asked Jack.

"The girls at the hen party. They only let us stay because we said you'd go back. Off you pop," she waved him. He shook his head and opened the door, stopping when he did.

"Hello... Captain Jack Harkness, and you might be?" he said.

"Where's the girl with our money?" said a gruff yet hauntingly familiar voice.

"Uh-oh," said Rose.


	36. The Wives Of The Doctor

**AN: Okay so there's been an awful lot of whouffle recently, but I'm thinking of dumbing it down. The light's been on Clara and Eleven way too much, and other characters are getting sidelined pretty badly and that's no fun. I know that if you've read this far most of you probably ship whouffle, but it's not like I'm getting rid of them. Besides, writing mainly 2 characters for ages gets very dull for me, so I'm going to write a lot more of Ten and his companions for a while in Rose's non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint (sorry I had to). Enjoy :D**

_The Wives of the Doctors_

"What is it?" asked Ten, looking up from the console which he was examining.

"We were caught by those guards," said Amy, "and we brought them back here to get the poker chips they wanted."

"Ah. We don't know where the chips are," said Ten. Thankfully, it seemed the TARDIS was in quite a good mood, and the bag of poker chips appeared on the chair nearby, along with Rose's black wig which she'd disgarded in the corridors two days ago. Rose quickly put it on so as not to alert suspicion and grabbed the bag.

"Just a sec!" she called to the men outside. "Here you go, all $200 million of it."

The group went to change into clean clothes (Clara and the Maitlands remaining in the console room, where it was safe - and because they already had clean clothes) before Nine, Ten, Rose, Jack, Christina, Mickey and Martha all left fot Vegas, Martha still looking like a slice of cheese and Ten still looking over his shoulder, as if his back was bare and people could see his horrendous tattoo.

"Breakfast then!" said Eleven, "Actually it's more like lunch now. Or brunch, how about brunch? I've never had brunch before. What do you eat at brunch?" he was rambling to Clara. They were both in the kitchen, the others in the console room, after Clara had volunteered to make tea for everyone again and, as always, Eleven had followed her like a lost puppy. But he was cooking her some food, so she didn't mind particularly.

"Ow!" she said suddenly, accidently knocking the boiling hot metal kettle and burning herself.

"What is it? What's wrong? Are you hurt? Clara, are..." said Eleven, then he glimpsed the miniscule red patch of skin on Clara's thumb and gasped.

"It's just a burn," she said as he tried to grab her hand and pull it up to his eyes. "Really, Doctor, it's nothing. It just needs cold water."

"No! What if it got infected? Nope, we're going to the TARDIS medical bay. She can fix it for you," he said, trying to leave the kitchen and pulling Clara with him.

"Doctor, I'm fine! I've burnt myself before!" she argued, resisting him trying to pull her along with him. However, this news made him gasp again and she rolled her eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me? Burns are very dangerous! You might die!"

"I'm not going to die though!" she exclaimed as she was finally pulled free from her grip on the table and he started taking her in the direction of the medical bay.

"But you might! I've seen you die too many times!" he was trying to be sincere but her annoyance got the better of her when she answered.

"And how many of those times did I die from a tiny little burn on my thumb?"

"Doesn't matter, come on," he said, not even listening properly.

"River! Little help here!" Clara shouted into the console room as she was pulled past like a toddler on reigns. River being a hologram, who was also on very good terms with the TARDIS, allowed her to flit through the corridors, and a moment later she was stood in front of Eleven with her arms crossed.

"I'm busy right now trying to save Clara's life," he said, trying to get round her but she wouldn't let him.

"No, you're busy dragging me through corridors when I'm fine," Clara argued.

"Sweetie, you can't die from a tiny burn. Did you rinse it?" River asked Clara, after directing her first sentence to the Doctor.

"No, _somebody_ wouldn't let me," said Clara. He looked at the floor, embarassed.

"Well?"

"I just want her to be safe!" he said it in a whiney voice, though Clara had to stop herself breaking into a huge smile and hugging him for being sweet - which was very difficult. Almost impossible, but she somehow managed it.

"I know you do, Sweetie," said River, "but we can look after ourselves. You don't have to protect everyone." He didn't know what to say so he just stood and huffed about for a minute.

"Alright..." he muttered eventually.

"Now go make the tea," River told him. He made some movements to protest but sighed eventually and left without another work. When he was gone his two wives burst out laughing.

"He's like a child, he only wants to help," said River.

"How do you train him?" Clara asked curiously. River laughed.

"It takes a lifetime."

"I've had a thousand," answered Clara.

"The trick is be as harsh as possible, and then make it up to him later. Or just treat him like a baby. Or a dog."

"About this wedding..." said Clara offhandedly. "With me and... what was his name again..?" she asked.

"I was lying, I do that a lot," said River.

"So... No big wedding..?" asked Clara. River shook her head. "Oh well. Better go help him... I don't trust him in a kitchen. With appliances."

"Me neither," agreed River.

"What? Oh, so you're..?"

"Coming? Yes, why? Is that a problem?" River teased, trying to look oblivious.

"No, it's fine. Why wouldn't it be?" asked Clara akwardly.

"Ex-wife and new wife?"

"We're just married. It's not like that means anything," she said. Then she realised her sentence hadn't made any sense. "You know what I mean."

"I know you're lying," said River pleasantly. _Why does she always have to sound so pleasant?_, thought Clara.

"Lying about what? Being married? You have seen the rings, right?" she asked edgily.

"Lying about it meaning nothing," said River. Clara didn't say anything as they walked back into the kitchen to finish making brunch.

* * *

**AN: Here is rumoured POV change, enter Rose as the main character.**

Christina, supervised by Nine, returned first to the TARDIS with a whole host of objects to fix and enhance the 200. Second back were Ten, Rose and Jack, Ten who had gone back for his already booked appointment, with a now blonde Rose, to finally get his tattoo removed. Thirdly and finally Martha and Mickey returned, Mickey quitting his job as a stripper and Martha somehow managing to get the holes in her head fixed up so she looked normal again. However, Rose had brought a little something back with her.

"It's a prototype of an interdimensional phone! The Doctor used his psychic paper and we got one!" said Rose excitedly, waving about a brick-like device that looked similar to the first mobiles.

"Go on then, call up my half-clone," said Donna, "we can have a family reunion!"

"How do you get through to the right dimension?" Rose asked Ten, looking at the vast range of buttons. He picked it up and threw his coat aside where it landed on a railing, taking the phone and running to the other side of the console. He pulled out his sonic and lifted the end up with his teeth.

"If I can just get the right frequency," he said to her, "Ha!" he said, getting the screwdriver higher than Rose knew was possible. "Here you go, perfect for calling home!" he grinned, sitting in the TARDIS's chair and putting his feet on the console.

"Really? This calls home?" she said.

"Yeah! You do know the number, right?" he asked.

"Course I do," she said, smiling at him. He grinned back as she dialed the number of her mother's mobile in the parallel world. "It's ringing," she mouthed happily, pointing at the phone.

"Hello?" answered her mother's voice.

"Mum?" said Rose.

"Oh, Rose!" Jackie said happily, overwhelmed with joy. "What happened?! We're on our way to Bad Wolf Bay again!"

"You don't have to go there, I'm safe. I'm... I'm on the TARDIS," said Rose, completely unable to contain her excitement.

"The TARDIS? How'd you get on the TARDIS? You're on the TARDIS and you haven't come home yet?" Jackie demanded.

"I haven't had time," answered Rose, rolling her eyes at Martha who nodded understandingly, "everything was mental, and then we had to go to Chicago in the 30s, and then Vegas in the 2100s. Then we had a run in with the Master, then we crash landed in London for three days and the TARDIS had to recharge. I just bought this phone that let's me call different dimensions."

"But you could have come back before!" protested Jackie.

"No, we haven't been able to find a rip in time big enough to get through. We can only call, I'm sorry," said Rose gently. "Where's the Doctor? Is he there? The metacrisis?"

"Yeah, I'll just put him on," said Jackie.

"Rose?" said a serious voice that was definitely Tentoo's.

"Are you alright? Have you been worried?" she asked.

"Worried? Of course I've been worried! Worried doesn't cover it! Be honest, is this the first time you could have contacted us? Five days later?"

"I think so," said Rose truthfully.

"Who're you with?" asked Tentoo, clearly picking up on the multiple conversations going on around Rose, most people not paying much attention to what she was doing.

"I'm with the Doctor. The Ninth Doctor... And the Tenth Doctor... And the Eleventh Doctor... And Mickey... And Jack... And Martha... And Donna, too... Then there's Amy and Rory Pond, River Song and-"

"Clara Oswin Oswald," said Eleven from the other side of the room.

"Yeah, what he said."

"Who's he again?" asked Tentoo.

"The Eleventh Doctor."

"So there's... twelve of you?" he said.

"Fifteen. Don't suppose you know a Lady Christina De Souza?" she interrogated him.

"Nope."

"Good. And then there's the kids Clara nannies-"

"But they're not my kids!" Eleven shouted, which caused a low-voiced argument between him and his wife.

"Who's arguing?" asked Tentoo.

"Eleventh Doctor and his wife, Clara," said Rose. "They were drunk and we were in Vegas, don't ask."

"Drunk in Vegas? You too?"

"...Yep..." she said guiltily.

"And what did you do, Rose Tyler, drunk and in Las Vegas?"

"Nothing big. Just stole some money. About two-hundred... million... dollars... from a casino... Don't worry, we've given it all back now!"

"All of it?" he asked sternly.

"Yes, all of it!" she answered. "Suppose you'll want me to tell you _everything_?"

"Well, yeah. Everything would be nice," said Tentoo. Rose laughed, and began (with a little help from Ten and Donna) explaining what had happened for the past five days.


	37. Forests & Silence

**AN: So I hope you're all enjoying Rose's point of view, yes there's still some whouffle later so don't panic. The next few chapters are probably going to be talking chapters mostly between most of the group, and possibly an official reveal of canon whouffle, since they both think nobody's noticed they're together. Enjoy this chapter though, sorry it's short I had to make it dramatic and that took over :)**

_Forests & Silence_

It was nine o'clock at night. They were all on Earth, in the front garden of the Maitlands'. The Doctors had all finished repairing the 200 and it was ready to fly, the perception filter remaining intact as they thought it would be useful. Christina flew away and they waved her off in her red bus, though Jack had quite indiscreetly slipped her his phone number and had probably told her where she could find Torchwood.

They filed back into the TARDIS (which was waiting around the corner of the street), Clara, Eleven and the Maitlands staying behind to make everything appear normal to the children's father. Then they'd planned to go off shopping, which actually meant coming into the TARDIS with the others for another excursion.

Rose leant on the console next to Ten as he flicked some buttons, while they waited for the secret couple. Even though everyone knew quite obviously they were now together, even the people who hadn't been told. And they were everyone except Rose and Martha. They weren't very inconspicuous about it though.

"Where are we going?" asked Rose.

"Dunno. How about we just roll the dice and see where we end up?" Ten said.

"Like the old days?"

"Just like the old days. No ulterior motives, no broken TARDIS, no errands to run. A good old fashioned _adventure_!" he shouted, flinging out his arms.

"Don't do that, do you _want_ to look any more like a twig?" said Donna. As usual, Ten just rolled his eyes while Martha and Rose both laughed along.

"What about those Slitheen things?" asked Amy.

"Nah, Slitheen won't come back. It's not how they work. One of them's dead, they won't send any more. Least not for a while, and we won't be gone longer than half an hour I'd say," said Ten, flicking some more switches as Clara and Eleven arrived back.

"All aboard for anywhere!" said Nine, smacking a big red button as soon as the door shut. They were flung about wildly again, it was like there was an earthquake as the TARDIS flew into the time vortex. It felt good to be travelling just for fun again, Rose thought as the time machine lurched to a halt.

"Here we are, brand new place!" Ten said as soon as the TARDIS had landed. He looked around and beamed. "Everyone up for an adventure? Good!" he grabbed his coat and pulled it on, running up to the doors and opening them. Rose followed the closest, Donna and Martha close behind her. Mickey, Jack and Nine behind them. The Ponds, River, Clara and Eleven lingering at the back.

"Wow..." said Rose, staring out at the sight they were faced with. The TARDIS was atop a cliff and spanning out across the purple ground was a sprawling city with branches of suburbs reaching off across the flat ground. The heights of the houses made the city rise and fall like rolling hills and then, right in the centre were multiple skyscrapers, the tallest twice the size of the rest and it peaked in the centre of one of the three suns Rose could see. Everything was silver and it all glimmered below the bright blue sun that was highest in the sky. And surrounding the whole city were trees, a vast forest of them, brown trunks but pink and yellow leaves which glistened before them. It resembled a web from their height, the black-topped tall scraper the spider who owned it, watching over all the little strands of silk, the other various tall buildings the captured flies.

"Wow..." said Rose. "It's beautiful."

"And it is the capital city on the capital planet of the Trancha Nebula, and that building there, is an embassy," Ten said, pointing toward the 'spider'. "Or, strictly speaking, _the_ embassy."

"Currently the biggest embassy in the universe, it's the centre of the Second Great and Bountiful Human Empire," said Nine, "it's where all the relations between planets are formed."

"You brought us... to an embassy," said Martha in a bored voice.

"Nothing wrong with embassies! C'mon, let's go see what's going on," said Ten, putting his hands in his pockets and walking down the sloping cliff to get to the city.

"It's quiet," said Donna, "whenever I come back to London from being away, you can hear it from miles away."

"Yeah..." agreed Martha, "can't hear anything."

"Maybe it's a holiday," said Ten darkly, staring around with narrowed eyes as they neared the city. "Maybe you have to be quiet, noise pollution's very important to Tranchans."

"What time is it?" asked Rose, whispering in case Ten's second guess was correct.

"By Earth time it's..." Eleven began, lifting his wrist to check the watch that wasn't there, "Bout five o'clock. Gets dark in two hours or so."

"Hang on, in 200100 I did a lot of reading up about human history. Even got myself one of those info-spikes, not that it lasted long because of my... _condition_," said Jack, "I heard about the destruction of the Second Empire. Started here, Trancha IV."

"It did, didn't it?" said Ten rhetorically.

"Doctor, were you even listening to me?" asked Jack.

"Yeah, course I was," said Ten, glancing back at Jack, "Destruction of the Second Empire started on Trancha IV. 'Cept we're not on Trancha IV, this is Trancha II."

"So... It's started..." said Jack morbidly.

"Started? What's 'started'?" asked Donna rather aggresively.

"That's the thing, nobody knows," said Eleven excitedly, "it'll be good to find out!"

"_Or_, we could just forget about this and go back to the TARDIS where it's safe?" suggested Clara. Rose saw him give her an affronted look, but other than that he ignored her.

They walked in silence into the city, shadows landing at awkward angles around them, the buildings curving oddly against the sun, but they didn't see any people, or hear any sounds apart from themselves breathing. The group stopped.

"Humans picked this world because of the trees," said Nine, "you like trees, you lot. Every planet in this Empire has trees because you just can't cope without being able to see where you're oxygen's coming from. Even planted fake trees in a few places."

"They're all fake trees?" Rose said, looking out at the distant forest.

"Nope, all real."

"Hang on, loads of trees and complete silence and something what killed a whole world?" said Donna, fearful.

"We should leave," said River, "All of us, right now. We should all, definitely leave."

"That's probably a good idea!" said Ten, escalating into a shout as they turned to run. But lying across the road behind them was a shadow.

"STOP!" yelled River, Ten, Nine, Eleven and Donna. Everyone did.

"What? It's just a shadow," said Rory. "I'm sure we can just step-" he tried to put his foot forward but River grabbed him and pulled him back.

"Stay out of the shadows. All of the shadows. Just stay out of them if you want to live," said River.

"What's in the shadows..?" asked Martha.

"Vashta Nerada. And they're hungry," snarled Ten.


	38. It's Complicated Very Complicated

**AN: SORRY FOR SORT OF COMPLETELY FORGETTING ABOUT MICKEY... A BIT! And for the slight confusion uploading this chapter, since I deleted it twice to make important corrections.**

_It's Complicated... Very Complicated_

"Vashta what?!" asked Rose, starting to panic.

"Vashta Nerada, it's a swarm. They live on every single planet with life and they eat anything made of meat," said River.

"The dust in sunbeams..." echoed Donna.

"So... that shadow... it's... it's _alive_?!" said Rose.

"Yes," said River, "and we're trapped."

"Even you? But you're a hologram, they can't eat you," said Clara.

"What about me?" asked Jack.

"Best not to risk it," said Ten. Suddenly the shadow started expanding away from them up the cliffside, though the boundary facing them remained the same.

"What's it doing? Doctor, what's it doing?!" asked Martha, panicking and huddling towards Mickey.

"Trying to stop us," said Ten, "it's a clever swarm, they've been listening. If Jack goes through all his flesh will be eaten."

"But he's chock full of time and artron energy, that could do incomprehensible things to the swarm. Maybe allow them to time travel, who knows," said Eleven.

"Thanks for telling them that," said Clara, crossing her arms and glancing round nervously.

"You're wel- oh..." he said, catching on to her sarcasm. Rose could watch them all day, one minute they were like love-struck teenagers, the next like bickering siblings and the third like an old married couple. It was a lucky dice of which Clara and which Eleven was present, and rarely were they both one type. It was often love-struck Eleven and old-married Clara, they were always clashing. The only people who didn't seem to notice this were the two in question. And possibly Mickey, Rose knew from experience Mickey didn't really catch on about the feelings of others until it was too late or the moment had passed him by completely.

"Stay out of the shadows - especially Jack," said Nine.

"If only there were a telepathic field we could use to talk," said River.

"Where's a Face of Bo when you need one, eh?" joked Rose. Ten and Martha exchanged knowing looks and glanced to Jack, who was looking incredibly confused towards Rose.

"Me?" he asked.

"Sorry, what?" said Rose, misunderstanding completely.

"You said a Face of Bo, I'm -"

"Aaand that's all," said Ten, "come on, suppose we should try and get somewhere before nightfall. Somewhere with lights."

"Lights stop them?" questioned Rory.

"No, but they slow them down. And if there's light you know where they aren't," said Ten.

"Hang on, _aren't_?" asked Amy.

"Yep. Can't tell where they are. For all we know it could just be those ones up there, maybe all these shadows are normal. Or maybe every single one is hiding millions of them," said Ten, skirting the edge of a very warped looking shadow.

"How do you know there are people still here?" asked Mickey.

"Because that over there is an embassy, and they have special rooms where leaders can go to defend themselves against this sort of thing," said Ten, nodding at the tall skyscraper quite a way in front of them.

"Won't they be trying to get in though?" asked Donna.

"Yeah, that's a good point!" Mickey agreed. But they had no time to think about it as they were suddenly blinded by floodlights from a building to their left.

"STAY WHERE YOU ARE! DON'T MOVE!" yelled a voice through a megaphone.

"Well don't shout at them or they'll know how many of you there are!" said Ten in his high-pitched hysterical voice he did whenever somebody did something wrong in his eyes.

"HOW DID YOU GET HERE? TRANCHA II IS SEALED OFF FROM THE REST OF THE EMPIRE!" the voice practically screamed at them. A few even put their hands over their ears.

"We'll tell you when you turn of your megaphone!" argued Ten. They heard an amplified sigh, and then a noise like feedback.

"That's a negative, I'm not allowed to stop recorded communication before we know who you are," they said.

"Oh 'we' now, is it? Maybe you should just walk out into the swarm to tell them even more about you than you already have!" said Ten.

"The swarm have limited intelligence, they're not a hive mind," said the voice exasperatedly.

"The swarm have evolved - look, how long have you been here?"

"Sixteen days and counting. Hold on, doors opening now. The lights are altered to keep the swarm at bay, it's safe out here," the voice said, then they heard a noise like metal shifting. Rose's eyes only just altered against the blinding light when Ten started leading them towards the door with his hand over his eyes to shield himself.

They finally made it into the building that was still incredibly well-lit, lights shining into every corner of the room and a trio of people. Two of them were blue with a few scale-like blemishes that were silver and glowed under the light. They were the same height as humans more or less and didn't differ a great deal when it came to their build, but their heads were pulled back and there were spines running down their backs. They reminded Rose of dragons. One was a boy and one was a girl, it was quite easy to tell. Finally, the third woman looked completely human, she was short with blonde hair, but Rose knew from experience looks could be deceiving. The Doctors all looked perfectly human, apart from their dress, but even that wasn't too different. Not on Earth, anyway.

Then Rose glanced at Ten, who was staring wide-eyed and open-mouthed at the blonde girl. She looked around the group. Donna and Martha bore the exact same shock, Eleven looked slightly surprised but was more concerned with Clara who was also staring at the blonde.

"Excuse me, am I missing something here?" asked Rose.

"Jenny..." said Ten.

"Jenny? Who's 'Jenny'?" said Rose, not even pretending she didn't feel a pang of jealousy for whoever this girl was. Surely not _another_ like Christina?

"Dad?" choked the girl, looking directly at Ten.

"_Dad_!?" exclaimed Rose, Nine, Jack, River, Amy, Rory and Mickey. The girl, _Jenny_, dropped her gun to the ground and ran straight into Ten's arms, hugging the bemused and slightly teary Time Lord so tightly Rose was shocked Ten didn't turn purple.

"Is anyone going to explain?" asked Rose, having no clue what was happening.

"Who is this daughter of yours?" asked Jack, flashing Jenny a smile over Ten's shoulder when they stopped hugging.

"But you died..." he said seriously, ignoring Jack's remark.

"I came back," she answered simply. "You know, planets to save, people to rescue. And an awful lot of running to do."

"You mean you regenerated?!" he said. She nodded. "You _are_ a Time Lord!"

"Lady," corrected Clara from the back, "Time Lady."

"Jenny! It's me, Donna!" said Donna. Jenny grinned and went to hug Donna too, then, upon recognising Martha, she got the third hug.

"Did I miss something? Did she just say 'Dad'? Who's the mother?" asked Amy, voicing the thoughts of everyone not in the know.

"I'm the mother," said Ten, as though this was obvious.

"But wait... Then who's the father?" Jack said, a devilish look in his eye.

"Me!" said Ten, like this was the obvious explanation. "She's a clone, made by a single tissue sample. There was a war, on this planet - Messaline. Lasted a week, it's complicated."

"I thought we were over this clone nonsense," said Jenny, annoyed.

"You are a clone though, just a special clone. A Time Lord - _Lady _- clone," said Ten, grinning boyishly. "What are you doing on Trancha II?" Jenny shrugged in answer.

"Biggest embassy in the universe right now, thought it'd be worth a look. Got the coordinates wrong though, ended up on the day the vashta nerada invaded," she instinctively checked a device on her wrist.

"Is that - hang on, is that a vortex manipulator?!" said Ten dissaprovingly. "Give it here, I can't have humans running round with teleports!"

"I'm not a human!" Jenny argued, stepping back from him and holding her left hand away. "I'm a Time Lady, and I couldn't find a TARDIS so I had to make do with second best."

"_Second_? A vortex manipulator is _not_ second best," said Ten.

"I wasn't talking about this, I was _talking _about my spaceship," she said proudly.

"Spaceship?!" said Ten.

"I stole a lot of technology about... 190 years ago? Some sonic stuff too, got myself a screwdriver. And a gun, but mainly a screwdriver. And enough of these manipulators to wire into the Messaline ship I stole and convert it into a time machine," she told him happily.

"You did _what_?! But that's... That's... _That's BRILLIANT_!" he yelled, "You really are my daughter!"

"190 years ago?" asked Donna incredulously.

"Well, 193," she corrected.

"How old are you?" asked Martha, disbelieving.

"207," answered Jenny curtly.

"What? Really?" said Ten, Rose thought it impossible for his smile to get any wider.

"Yes. Anyway, what are you doing on Trancha II? Did you overshoot as well?" she asked knowingly.

"Not so much. Just put the TARDIS on random. Didn't know where we were gonna end up, and by the time we figured it out the swarm blocked us off. Anyway, meet the family! I think you've got about three step-mothers and a half-aunt here. This is Rose Tyler, my, err..?" he had trouble introducing Rose.

"Half-wife," said Rose.

"How does that work?" asked Jenny curiously. Rose could definitely see the Doctor in her eyes and warmed instantly to her half, possibly quarter, step-daughter.

"It's very complicated. It involves this... thing... and a... hand..." Rose struggled. She glanced around for help and Donna stepped forward, taking on the last remnants of the Doctor-Donna's persona.

"A two-way biological metacrisis with your Dad's hand. Filled up with his regeneration energy then I touched the hand, Rose's husband grew out of the hand and he was part human and I became part Time Lord. That makes me your half-aunt. Rose married the clone of your Dad so she's your...?"

"Quarter-step-mother, let's say," said Eleven, joining in the confusion. "I'm the Eleventh Doctor, the next regeneration and your half-father! This is my wife, Clara Oswin Oswald, who is also your quarter-step-mother and this is my other wife, River Song, who is another quarter-step-mother. These are her parents, Amy and Rory Pond, who are also your quarter-step-grandparents-in-law."

"Brilliant, I'm a grandmother," said Amy bitterly.

"This is the Ninth Doctor," said Rose taking over again, "also your half-father, I think. And that's Martha - you've met, apparently - and that's Mickey, her husband. And finally-"

"Captain Jack Harkness," said Jack, flashing his most winning smile. "Pleasure."

"No, Jack. Stop it!" growled Ten. "Don't you dare."

"Overprotective parent much?" said Jack, "C'mon, she's 207, I'm sure she can look after herself. Besides, I was only saying hello."

"Yeah, and we're not gonna stick around for you to say goodbye... Anyway! Did you get all that?" Ten asked Jenny, who looked completely dumstruck looking at the twelve of them. Rose had never quite noticed how complicated everything was when you travelled with the Doctor.

"Could you run everything by me again? In order, possibly?" Jenny suggested. They all groaned.

"While you're at it, do you think you can maybe tell us about this man-eating shadow swarm?" asked Rory politely.


	39. Welcome To The Crew

**AN: Thank you people for your continued support, if you've stuck with this fic and read this far know I love you all and your reviews make my days so much better :) Sorry for this later update, I was distracted by the fact I'm 15 and English and poor and so am unable to go to San Diego this weekend. if any of you guys are lucky enough to be at Comic Con and see the Doctor Who panel you should definitely let Matt and Jenna know about Whoufflé, just sayin'. Enjoy :)**

_Welcome To The Crew_

"Got that?" said Ten, after everything had been explained chronologically since Jenny had been... born? Or grown? Created? Rose didn't know the correct terminology for a clone so she didn't risk it.

"Think so," said Jenny.

"Now about the swarm," prompted Amy.

"I first saw them in the Library," said River, taking the reigns on the story, "I went there on an expedition with the Lux Corporation, I met the Tenth Doctor and Donna and we were cornered by the vashta nerada."

"They ate the whole planet in minutes. 4022 people died. Then there was some business with them being saved into a computer that was actually a little girl, but let's not get into those details," Ten added, casting a glance River's way at mention of a computer. She looked at the ground mournfully.

"How did you beat them?" asked Jack.

"Didn't," he said, "they looked me up. They gave me one day to get everyone out."

"And did you?" asked Jenny.

"Course I did," he said happily, "but this swarm are clever and not as reasonable, plus they don't have a Library. So how're we gonna get out?"

"I have to get my ship back," said Jenny.

"What..?" asked Ten. Rose looked into his eyes as he looked at his daughter, he looked heartbroken. "Aren't you gonna... You know... Come with us?"

"I'll come with you, but I can't just up and leave my ship here, what if it fell into the wrong hands?" she said.

"Can't you just get it out with the VM?" asked Jack, shortening it in a vain attempt to sound cool.

"It's broken."

"So why do ya keep it?" Jack asked.

"Still works as a watch, and I can fix it later," she replied, glancing at the manipulator again out of habit as the leather cover hiding the screen was still fastened tightly.

"How many times have you regenerated?" asked Nine, favouring a subject change.

"Just once. I'm careful. Time Lord knowledge kept unlocking in my head so I know about regenerations," she said. "Among other things."

"You've only died once? Gotta die a whole lot more than that if you wanna join the TARDIS crew," joked Jack.

"That's true," agreed Clara.

"Mhmm," said all three Doctors.

"Yep," said River.

"Suppose," said Rory.

"Me too," said Amy.

"And me," said Donna.

"I don't think I've died," said Rose.

"There was that time with the teleport beam on Satalite 5," said Nine.

"Well, yeah, but I wasn't really dead though, was I?" she said. Nine shrugged. Ten remembered the time her face was trapped in a TV, and about how technically after Canary Wharf she _was_ dead in one universe, and she gave in eventually.

"I've never died," said Martha proudly.

"You died in a parallel world," said Donna, "one where there was no Doctor to save the hospital."

"Oh, well, thanks for telling me," she grumbled.

"What about me?" said Mickey, "I know I haven't died."

"We'll have to do something about that," said Ten seriously, though he was obviously joking. Mickey couldn't tell though, shifting awkwardly on the floor. They were in a circle, the two Tranchans (introduced - though they were very bitter about humans being there - as Fehl and Kayn) keeping guard on the top floor where there were apparently computer monitors. Ten was at the front. On his left was Rose, on his right was Jenny. On Rose's left was River; on River's left was Clara; on Clara's left was Eleven; on Eleven's left was Amy; on Amy's left was Rory; on Rory's left was Mickey; on Mickey's left was Martha; on Martha's left was Donna; on Donna's left was Jack; on Jack's left was Nine and that brought them back to the start and Jenny.

"So! How are you going to beat the swarm?" Jenny asked Ten.

"Erm... Well... I suppose..." he struggled.

"Gas," said Kayn gruffly from the top of the stairs. "That was the plan."

"Are we safe in here? From the gas?" asked Rose.

"We are," assured Kayn.

"We can't use the gas, not anymore," said Jenny sternly, "it'll kill them."

"'Them'?" asked Amy, downtrodden she were being addressed as 'them'.

"Humans," Eleven told her.

"I know what she means," she snapped at him. He pouted and sat back against the wall where Clara continued leaning on his shoulder.

Rose caught Clara's eye and shook her head disbelievingly, trying to convey with her eyes they were doing a terrible job of pretending not to be a couple. Clara frowned and Rose (after checking nobody was paying any attention to her) nodded from Clara to Eleven and then shook her head again. Clara pointed from herself to Eleven. Rose nodded and discreetly formed a heart with her fingers and motioned for Clara to see. _Stop_, Rose mouthed. Clara nodded and took it upon herself to shuffle a few inches away from Eleven and sit forward on her hands, moving closer to Rose. They were sat on either side of River.

"Rose..?" asked Ten, glancing at her looking the other way.

"Yeah?" she said.

"What were you..?" he looked from her to Clara.

"Looking at that wall. Very shiny," she said.

"Incredibly shiny," Clara agreed, nodding exageratedly.

"Almost too shiny for words."

"Right..."

"You can't use the gas," said Nine, "not if it's fatal to humans."

"Can't we just stay in here and one of you goes and gets the TARDIS?" wondered Martha.

"Still die," said Kayn, who apparently thought use of full sentences was overrated.

"But you just said we were safe here!" Martha exclaimed.

"No. _We're_ safe," Kayne motioned from himself to the top floor and Fehl to Jenny. "_You're_ dead. Even in here."

"Brilliant..." said Martha morbidly.

"What about an SOS? Can we send an SOS?" said Rory.

"We're quarantined for 100 years," said Jenny, "It's 4221 by the way. We're sixteen days into quarantine, as Fehl said. So we have to wait until 4321 to leave."

"Really? Four-three-two-one?" said Ten childishly. Then he cleared his throat. "Ahem, sorry. We can't just wait here for 100 years, we have to leave now. The swarm won't be dead in a century."

"The Library was sealed off for 100 years," said River, "they were all still alive."

"We have to get to the embassy," said Eleven, "they'll have teleport pods."

"They're disabled," said Kayn.

"I'm sure I can get them working again," said Eleven.

"We're locked off from the outside," said Kayn.

"I can get us into the TARDIS then we can leave and let history take its course," he said grimly.

"What do you mean 'take its course'?" asked Martha.

"Fixed point. None of us can change that," said Nine, "not even you, so don't try it," he snapped at Jenny.

"I'm not a child," she said coldly back to him.

"You are by my standards. Talk to me when you're nearly a millenia."

"Oi, that's not nice! 207 is older than a lot of people!" Eleven argued with his past self. "And I'm 1200, so _you're_ a child to _me_. Sorry, Martha. Some points are fixed and some points are in flux. This is fixed."

"Just like Pompeii," said Donna quietly. She and Ten exchanged sorrowful looks, while Eleven just looked at the ground and tried to discreetly shuffle closer to Clara, who was shuffling away and pushing into River now.

"What's going on?" River whispered to Rose as Clara kept shuffling, which meant River began to shuffle, which meant Rose began to shuffle, which meant Ten was very confused about why he was suddenly cramped. However, currently the other two Doctors and Jenny were arguing with Kayn about teleports so he didn't notice.

"They're trying not to appear together," Rose replied, leaning right so River could lean right as Clara leant right and so did Eleven. Amy, who was on Eleven's left, glanced down too looking very confused. River snorted.

"What's so funny?" whispered Clara.

"Nothing!" said Rose innocently. Clara frowned and sat back up, headbutting Eleven who had been leaning round also. She smacked his arm and sat with her own arms folded, straight backed and dead eyed.

"Wifey, what's wrong?" hissed Eleven. Though now both Ponds were listening in, too.

"I'll swap with you," River offered.

"Please," said Clara, moving forwards so River could skirt along the wall and Clara could sit next to Rose where she was safe from any further couple assumptions for a while at least.

There were quite a few more arguments about teleports and fixed points and how Time Lords saw things (the latter being quite an interesting conversation with viewpoints from the three Doctors, Jenny, River and what Clara could remember), before Kayn declared he was sick of their noise and it was time for bed. Which was also the time he gruffly shouted girls were sleeping upstairs and boys were sleeping downstairs, which seemed to disappoint Eleven greatly.


	40. Actually Properly Really Together

**AN: Unfortunately (bet I worried you there with 'unfortunately' - it's not that bad though), this vashta nerada adventure is probably going to be quite short, but there's only so much you can do with a more-or-less undefeatable enemy. Besides, Jenny's staying, so that's good. I'm definitely hoping the next 'episode', as I call them, will be very interesting and very different and is also a suggestion. P.S. I hope you're not all getting bored of talking chapters, but all of them are together which is a rare but good occurance in this fic. I think this'll be a good chapter for whoufflepuffs, by the way. Finally, I have not forgotten about the Slitheen. I have a bad tendancy to write a lot of loose-ends. It'll eventually get solved though, so don't panic. Also I can't believe you guys actually **_**like**_** Clara's constant bullying.**

_Actually Properly Really Together_

Fehl, like Kayn, wasn't into talking. She gave Jenny status updates on occasion, but that was as far as it went by means of conversation. She spent most of her time mooching around and watching the shadows outside that were never the same each time you looked. Apparently, in the futuristic setting of Trancha II, every room was completely soundproofed. The girls upstairs could hear nothing of the boys downstairs, and vice versa. Which, Rose thought, didn't bode well for Clara. She was counting down the seconds until the relentless questioning began.

They weren't tired (as they had only been awake for 5 hours) and didn't have any beds anyway, so it wasn't long until Amy brought up the topic of Eleven and Clara's shuffle contest downstairs, which meant River and Rose both started to guffaw and Clara turned red. And Rose stopped counting.

"I was trying to get away from him," said Clara, skimming around the reason why.

"Why? You're together," said Donna.

"No we're not," said Clara, looking confused. Rose knew Donna hadn't been told about Eleven and Clara, and she was trying to trick the latter into spilling the beans.

"But you're married," said Jenny.

"Yeah, but we were drunk and in Las Vegas. We're married, but we're not together. I mean, not _together_ together," said Clara.

"You bloody well are," said Amy. Clara tried to ignore her as Rose onlooked, thinking it was about time they told everyone what they already knew.

"Why would you get married if you weren't even remotely fond of eachother?" questioned Jenny, bemused.

"Shoulda seen them," said Rose, breaking her vow of silence, "The morning after it all, I went to their room and his face was red."

"Red?" asked Jenny.

"From her -"

"Yes, alright, it was my lipstick," grumbled Clara. A ripple of laughs.

"Room as in single?" asked Jenny.

"Oh yeah," said Martha. Jenny just raised her eyebrows. "Not to mention their little escapades. And the whole thing about them sleeping together."

"We don't sleep together!" said Clara, getting hysterical.

"You do," confirmed all the girls minus Jenny.

"What would it matter if we were together anyway?!" she said angrily.

"It wouldn't," said Martha. Clara frowned at her. "If you keep denying it we'll keep pushing."

"I'm sure I can convince the TARDIS to build a polygraph," said River.

"Then there was thing with the barbeque," said Amy.

"And the proposal permission," added Donna.

"Neither of those are true," said Clara. "Well they are now, but they weren't when Angie-TARDIS told you."

"Can someone explain things? Please?" asked Jenny, completely lost once again.

"Basically," Rose began in a very loud stage-whisper, "Clara and the Eleventh Doctor are married _and_ together, but me as Martha are the only ones who know because we were talking and they were kissing in front of us."

"I hate you," said Clara.

Nearly an hour of everyone forcing gossip out of Clara later they were all quite bored. Jenny didn't need to sleep and neither did they particularly, so they stayed talking for the whole night, the Doctor's daughter sharing her hundreds of adventures with them. She'd met Slitheen, Cybermen, Zygons, Gelth, Judoon, Krilotane and even Sontarons. Rose didn't catch 'Dalek' anywhere in her speech, however.

"What time is it? It's dark out," said Amy, opening her eyes groggily, being one of the few who actually tried to get some sleep.

"It's seven," said Jenny automatically, barely registering Amy's sentence. Rose glanced out of the tiny, porthole-like window. It was awfully dark out to say it was seven AM. "Hang on..." said Jenny, getting up and drawing out a sonic screwdriver of her own. It didn't buzz like the Doctor's, more of a purr, and the light it emitted was a vibrant pink rather than blue or green. The body of it, from what Rose could see, was silver. "Positive," she said to Fehl, who had also not slept. A button was hit and the floodlights outside flared up, causing the outside and the sunrise to become visible. "Swarm were over the builiding," Jenny explained.

"How do we get out if they're blocking the path?" asked Rose.

"Tunnels," said Jenny vacantly.

"Aren't tunnels dark?" wondered Amy.

"They're completely sealed off and lined with metal, the swarm can't get in," she said. "If we get over there" - she pointed out of the window and down the street towards the embassy that was their goal - "we can use the lights to protect us."

"I thought lights didn't stop them?" said Rose.

"They work well enough to get us into that embassy. Now, getting to the top floor of the embassy is another story, it'll be infested. We either move very quickly or very slowly. It has the potential to take days, or minutes."

"Someone should go warn the others," said Amy. Silence. "I nominate Clara!" Everyone hastened to agree with Amy almost instantly, ignoring Clara's loud protests.

"Why me?!" she asked.

"Because..." struggled Amy. Rose knew the 'your husband is down there' argument was irrelevant. Four of the seven of them also had a husband downstairs.

"I'll go, for heaven's sake," said Jenny, who didn't like their constant bullying of oneanother. None of them really liked it. Rose would have to start working on keeping quiet about things. But it _was_ for Clara's benefit, she told herself. No point keeping secrets in the TARDIS.

"Why am I always the butt of your jokes?" she enquired.

"Because... you're the youngest..?" struggled Martha. Everyone gave her bland looks.

"So what you're saying is you have absolutely no reason? Wonderful," muttered Clara. Jenny returned from downstairs momentarily and Amy ran over to call down the stairs.

"Doctor, Clara has a papercut," she said in a serious voice. River burst out laughing, and Clara looked terrified. Rose didn't know why as Eleven bounded up the stairs.

"Wifey! Are you alright? Where's the cut? You'll never survive out there without the TARDIS to fix it," he was rambling.

"Doctor, there isn't even any paper here!" Clara argued back with him.

"Maybe you brought some with you, I don't know," he said, pulling her to her feet and shining a torch on her hands.

"I don't have a papercut, they're lying because _they know_," she said very slowly.

"Know what? Honestly, Clara, I don't know what you're talking about sometimes," he said, distant.

"We know you're together," Amy supplied when Clara couldn't find the words straight away.

"Of course we're together, we're standing right by eachother," he said. Rose couldn't tell if he was acting or not.

"No, properly together," said Amy.

"Well, we're married, if that's what you -"

"No! Actually properly together. As in dating. As in a couple," said Clara.

"As in 'let's walk up the stairs making out'," said Rose.

"We don't do that..." said Eleven nervously.

"You were doing it yesterday!" she exclaimed in a high and very annoyed voice.

"Well... I wouldn't like to say... Clara, did we do that?" he asked her. She looked like she wanted to punch someone. Accordingly, Rose sidled away a few steps to a tactically safer position, where Jenny was observing from.

"This is why they get bullied," Rose said. Jenny said nothing, she was radiating disapproval as arguments ensued. Did every morning start like this? Rose thought that, if they were going to be all together for a while (**AN: Because I still have no intention of ending this fic yet and there are explanations that will make sense of everything at the end because I don't plan, I just write, and somehow it all fits together like a laser-cut jigsaw puzzle**) she would have to work on improving their relations.


	41. That Time With The Aliens

**AN: Really sorry I didn't update yesterday, this chapter was still unfinished and I was up late and then out all day sneaking into my old Primary School (rebel) and stealing other peoples' food and a hula hoop. And there was a slight and painful mishap involving my toe, but I won't get into that. Anyway, my school breaks up for the holidays this Wednesday (24th) so I should have pretty frequent updates for six weeks after that except for this weekend when I'm camping and there's no wifi, then I'm going to Edinburgh Fringe at some point, Leeds Gay Pride and Bingley Festival. So, if you live in the UK, feel free to stalk me at these events and try and figure out who I am. I swear you people have too much insight into my personal life. Oh, I'm also running out of things to bully Clara about and since you all love her suffering so much I'd be eternally grateful for some suggestions on that matter. It's that or people start being nice to her. Enjoy :)**

_That Time With The Aliens_

They were all crowded on the bottom floor of the small house they were lodging in and completely decked out in lights. Rose thought if they were different colours it'd be like an extravogant Christmas display. Which reminded her of something.

"What if we had Christmas?" she said suddenly. "You know, went to a deserted ice planet?"

"It's July," said Ten, "besides, Christmas and the Doctor doesn't mix."

"Christmas?" asked Jenny curiously, using her screwdriver to open the door into the tunnel. Momentarily, however, the pink and sleek silver of it distracted the Doctors who started fussing while she explained an old customisation scheme there had been with the old sonic factory.

Eventually it seemed Eleven was determined to teach Clara how to use a torch so had to leave the conversation, and Jenny managed to dispell the other two after a while so they could finally enter the tunnels.

The tunnels themselves were sleek and shiny, just as Jenny had described them, with lights in all for corners, snaking along and never breaking. If there was a gap anywhere in them at all, it meant the vashta nerada were inside. The tunnels were also only wide enough for two at a time. As always, Eleven followed Clara around until she agreed to whatever he wanted - in this case being that they walk together. And also as always, they were right at the back, the only one behind them being Kayn on his own. In front of them were Rose and Jack. Then River and Martha. Then Jenny and Donna. Then Amy and Rory. Then Nine and Ten. Finally, Fehl and Mickey were stuck right at the front.

As they started walking Jenny brought up the topic of Christmas again.

"What is it though?" she asked.

"It's a celebration, on Earth," said Ten. "Brilliant fun! Although there have been some... _incidents_, over the past few years to say the least. Just the usual Sycorax invasion, Raknoss invasion, replica of the Titanic crashing into London, everyone turning into the Master. Not to mention the things in the past, like a Cyberman invasion in Victorian London."

"And the small issue of gateway to another world cropping up in a house in World War Two," said Eleven, "then there were the flying fish where we had to pretend to be ghosts. Did I mention I got married to Marylin Monroe that year?"

"You what?" asked Clara, disbelieving.

"S'true," he said.

"Do you marry every woman you meet?" asked River incredulously.

"Not Amy, I haven't married her," said Eleven defensively. "Moving on, last Christmas was when we had those Snowmen. Remember those?" he asked Clara.

"Oh yeah, and didn't I die? _Again_?" asked Clara, "not one of my favourite Christmasses."

"Christmas doesn't sound very fun," said Jenny.

"Trust me, it is when there isn't an alien attack," said Martha. "You cause way too much damage to Earth. Aren't you supposed to keep aliens a secret?"

"I do keep aliens a secret!" said Ten defensively.

"Right. That time with the Autons?" said Rose, "that time with the Slitheen? That time with the Rift opening? That time with the Sycorax? That time with the Krilotane? That time with Canary Wharf?"

"That time with the hospital?" Martha joined, "that time with Lazarus? That time with Wester Drumlins? That time with the Master? That time with the Titanic replica?"

"To be fair they did all forget about-"

"That time you drained the Thames?" Donna started, "that time with the Adipose? That time with the Sontarans? That time with 26 bloody planets in the sky? That time with the flying bus? That time where everyone was Harry Saxon?"

"That time with Prisoner Zero? That time with Craig?" began Amy.

"There are hardly any present-Earth episodes in series 6," said River suddenly.

"River! Stop breaking the fourth wall! This is the second time!" Eleven argued hysterically.

"That time with the Silence. Then there was the time with the cubes," said Rory, getting them back on track and forgetting the last exchange had even happened.

"And the time with the wifi," added Clara.

"Yes, alright, I get it! We're not very good at hiding aliens from people. But I think that's more their fault," said Ten innocently. As usual, it wasn't long until the subject of Clara and Eleven was brought up and Rose was needed to catch Jack up fully on everything she knew.

"What do you do when you're alone..?" asked Amy. She wasn't looking round, but Rose cast the back of her head a funny look at that question.

"I beg your pardon?" asked Clara, taken aback.

"You know, when you go off together shopping or into the kitchen," said Amy.

"Talk," said Clara evadingly.

"_Talk_?" asked Martha. "Is that Time Lord code for something?"

"Why are you all so interested?" asked Clara slowly and clearly.

"Because it's the only proper relationship he's ever had," said Amy appraisingly, sounding like a proud parent.

"Excuse me, mother, am I not real?" asked River, taken aback.

"Backwards timelines, tesselector, alternate realities? That's a lot less normal than those two," Amy bit back, looking to Eleven and Clara. Rose followed her gaze. Clara was holding his arm and he was walking along quite happily and not paying an awful lot of attention to anything. He glanced down at his shorter companion every now and then, however, as if he was proud of himself for achieving something with at least a connotation of normality.

"Literally, talk," said Clara coldly.

"How many times have you kissed?" Amy implored, keen to get at least one scrap of information.

"That's private," said Eleven, drifting back to them.

"Five," said Clara at the same time. She flushed instantly and looked at the ground, gleaning a disapproving and annoyed look from her husband. Now here was lovestruck-teenage Clara and old-married Eleven. Amy just laughed and stopped talking, leaving the new couple to tread on eachother's toes when it came to what was and wasn't acceptable to tell other people.

"Here we are," said Jenny. As she'd said, it was a short tunnel that only moved them a little closer to the embassy, but hopefully the swarm wouldn't know what was going on and where they were, allowing them a clear run to the building, now it was light out and they all had their ridiculously powerful torches to defend themselves with anyway.

Fehl, aided by Mickey and Nine, wrenched the door open so it made a defeaning creak reverberate through them all. Rose's first instinct was to cover her ears against the terrible noise, but eventually more natural light flooded their metal cavern and it started a free-for-all on how quickly they could escape their confines.

"Out! Out! Out!" said Ten, pushing everyone through the doors into the outside, going last himself and leaving the door open. It was too heavy for him. Rose paused at the back of the group and waited for him.

"Having fun?" Ten said, entwining his and Rose's hands as a natural movement as Jenny started to explain about the embassy, with Eleven butting in with help every third word.

"Not the most fun I've had," she said. He looked let down.

"I promise we'll go somewhere better next," he said, "in fact, I've got a place in mind already, Rose Tyler."

"Oh really? Where?" she inquired.

"I'm not gonna say!" he said. She sighed jokingly.

"That's cos you know it's boring," she mocked him. He pouted.

"Fine, I'll take you to-"

"Whatcha doing?" hissed Clara at them both from just in front.

"Talking," answered Rose distractedly.

"Really?" Clara raised her eyebrows in disbelief, "you were _talking_?"

"What does it look like we're doing? I don't see any stairs nearby for us to-"

"Alright!" Clara cut her over. Rose snickered and Ten looked very confused.

"They're together..?" Rose explained to him carefully.

"What? Her and -?" he looked at his older self and Clara. Rose nodded, "no! You're joshing me!"

"I'm what?" she asked, frowning.

"Oh, don't get him started on his Geography GCSE..." muttered Martha from a distance. Rose was about to demand explanation when Jenny cut over the babble.

"You're supposed to be listening?!" she said.

"Right, sorry," said Ten. Jenny continued giving them a brief about the embassy. Rose wasn't paying an awful lot of attention, the humourous looks from Amy to Clara were enough entertainment she needed.

But then someone noticed a closing in shadow, and that was when someone else yelled 'Run!', and Rose was dragged by Ten away from her stop, stumbling around as she regained her balance just in time to keep running with the Doctor. _Oh, I've missed this!_,she thought.


	42. This Isn't Star Wars

**AN: Honestly sorry about my chapter inconsistencies, it'll go back to being daily soon but I'm in a wi-fi-less zone this weeked so no updates then (REALLY SORRY ABOUT THAT!). **

_This Isn't Star Wars_

With four sonic screwdrivers they were through the embassy doors just as the shadows had been clipping their feet. Rose looked down at her soles to see the heels were shredded and a little of her foot was bleeding, the skin scraped and red.

"Are you hurt?" asked Ten seriously, turning to Rose after hearing her say 'ow!'

"Little bit, yeah," she answered. He took a look at her heel.

"That's not good, the swarm have a taste for you now. We have to get to the TARDIS as soon as possible," he said. Rose gulped. Eleven was fussing over the distinctly uninjured Clara while she protested as Ten went to check to rest of his companions for bumps and scratches. Jenny was using her screwdriver to check the shadows for vashta nerada.

"It's clean," she said.

"Well, it won't be clean for long," said Ten. Nine sonicked open the lift doors at the end of the reception-like area, but Rose wasn't paying attention to the sleek, alien scenery because her heel had started stinging.

"Infirmary for you, Miss Tyler," said Ten, seeing her wince as she tried to walk, "I'm prescribing you with some bandages, medicine and rest."

"Ouch, that looks nasty. Best hurry up so it doesn't get infected," said Martha, the only real doctor present.

"Don't tell me that!" Rose objected, but Martha only laughed.

"I've got you," said Ten quietly, helping support Rose onto her left leg since the right was the injured foot. The pair of them trudged along at the back as Nine managed to help cram all fourteen of them into the lift. Then it struck Rose.

"Doctor, there are only fourteen of us," she said to Ten. He didn't leave her, but he turned around quite quickly so she stumbled and Clara, who was the next closest, had to come to Rose's aid to stop her toppling over.

"Fehl's gone," he said, turning to Kayn, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." Kayn did nothing but look more saddened than usual. Maybe they hadn't been close, or maybe Kayn was just heartless. She'd not seen him display any emotions other than anger and annoyance, so this was a possibility.

Nevertheless, the lift rose up in silence, until Jenny sonicked the controls and they bolted up like a rocket into the sky and a lot of them, including Rose, screamed at the thrill the speed sent through her.

It jerked violently when it finally halted and they all collapsed in a heap when the doors opened, breathing in the air that had been momentarily cut off.

"Hello! I'm the Doctor, pleased to meet you," said Nine, standing up. Ten and Clara helped Rose to her feet so she could see who Nine was talking to. The room they were in was large and circular and lined with windows, only now the windows were blocked by huge steel panels and the room was flooded with unnatural light. Sitting in chairs around the room were eight Tranchans of varying shades of blue, two of them even resembled the greenish colour of the sea.

"How did you get in here?" one of them asked.

"Just wandered in," said Nine, grinning, "complete accident."

"You mean to say you accidedentally got through that city and came here without the swarm killing you?" asked a different one.

"Sort of, yeah," he said brightly, then he turned serious, "now, I have a ship. A spaceship. But the swarm cut us off. If you'd let me do some jiggery-pokery with your teleports I could get us all off this planet and safe in about ten minutes?"

"You think the High Council of Tranchans will believe you like _that_?" the Tranchan snapped his fingers.

"Here you go, proves I can help," Nine flashed his psychic paper around the room and they nodded approvingly, before he stowed it back in his pocket and darted over to the teleport pods lining the right hand side of the room. He started sonicking panels off one of the pods. Jenny and Jack rushed over to help him.

"What time is it?" Donna asked the room at large after she'd yawned.

"Almost midnight by Earth times," said Ten, "the TARDIS can make us some food then you Earthlings can rest."

"...Can just reverse the teleports we can get the TARDIS in here," Nine was saying.

"What? No, no, no, no, no!" said Ten quickly, running from Rose towards his past self. She would have fallen over if she hadn't put down her foot, then she yelped and brought it back up again and Martha took Ten's place, helping Clara. "You can't bring the TARDIS in here! What if the swarm are on the outside?!"

"I've fixed it so that won't happen," said Nine.

"Fixed it?! How the hell have you fixed it?!" he demanded.

"Alright, I haven't fixed it. Let's just hope for the best, shall we?" and he pulled the lever, much to Ten's dismay. In the centre of the room a ray of light beamed down, and atoms began to build up before them until standing right there was the blue police box Rose had been missing. "Oh, and you lot, High Council, I'm sending you all somewhere safe." Nine pulled a second lever and the Tranchans - including Kayn - vanished. Rose had no clue what they had done, but Ten didn't seem too happy about it.

"Where the hell have you sent them?" he growled at hos younger and much more arrogant self.

"A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away," said Nine blandly, deactivating the teleports and going up to the TARDIS, trying to ignore Ten, who was looming over him.

"This is no time for jokes, they could all be dead!" he shouted, his voice echoing in the silent room.

"They're not dead, they're on the furthest evacuating ship. They're leaving the galaxy and they'll be fine, all eight of them. Chips, anybody?" said Nine, opening the door to the TARDIS. Ten glared at him from outside before rememberin Rose and rushing back to relieve Clara, who quickly followed after Eleven, who didn't look very happy with his past selves.

"Are you al - Ow! That looks pretty nasty now it's started to bleed," he said. Rose refused to look down at her injured foot. "Come on Martha," said Ten as he and Martha helped Rose along. But that was when Jenny came running back out.

"It's... It's..." she said as she ran all the way around the TARDIS. All three of them couldn't help but laugh a little. "It's... But it can't be... Is it really? It's bigger on the inside!" she said as Ten burst out laughing.

"Yep, it really is. Way bigger," said Ten as they all re-entered the ship.

"Time for bed, I think," said Eleven.

"What about food? I've barely eaten all day," protested Clara.

"But I thought..?" Rose saw them exchange a look and Clara laughed at him. Clearly they still had secrets. She supposed they were all entitled to secrets though.

"Like I said, chips," said Nine.

"Is that all you eat?" asked Donna.

"Just about," he replied, hitting some controls and starting the TARDIS flying, hopefully to somewhere safer.

"Chips sound good to me," said Rose.

"Not so fast, infirmary for you, come on," said Ten, he and Martha dragging Rose out of the room against her will.

Fifteen minutes later she'd had her foot thoroughly examined and bandaged up, and she'd also been given painkillers. And Ten had insisted on a crutch, which annoyed her. By the time they finally went for food only Jack, Nine and Jenny were left in the room.

"Careful there, that's your fifth helping," Jack said to her, "can Time Lords get fat?" he asked Nine, who just gave him a look like the answer was obvious and shook his head, not actually answering him. "What? Hey, I wonder if I can get fat..." he mused.

Rose devoured her chips in minutes and went off on her own to find her room, not wishing to be mollycodled by Ten anymore. She didn't realise quite how tired she was until she was in bed, and she fell asleep within minutes, glad to be rid of the vastha nerada and Trancha II.


	43. A TARDIS Breakfast

**AN: So I don't think the last story-arc was very strong and was really just a way of getting Jenny back. The next story arc is a follower challenge, after a short break with them milling about the TARDIS, as is customary in this fic. Enjoy :)**

**P.S. Any loose ends (such as the Slitheen - who are still running Earth's supermarkets) WILL, rest assured, be tied up eventually. I haven't forgotten.**

_A TARDIS Breakfast_

Rose was woken by shouting and banging from somewhere else on the TARDIS. She'd been sleeping well, but had been woken from her slumber at completely the wrong time and she could hardly see for tired as she swung her legs out of bed to try and tell whoever it was to be quiet. However, when she put pressure on her right foot, the stabbing pain brought her to alertness. It also put her in a rather bad mood, and she was grumbling already as she pulled on a dressing gown the ship had conjoured for her and limped into the corridor.

She looked down the hall for the source of the banging, and was only a little surprised when she saw Clara peering out of the room opposite as well.

"What's going on?" Rose mumbled.

"How am I supposed to know?" snapped Clara.

"Stingy," commented Rose, glancing down as Mickey's head poked out of another room much further down. As usual, Eleven was never far from Clara, and it was mere moments before Rose heard his good-morning trill of 'Wifey'.

"Wifey, what is it?" he called from somewhere within the bedroom. Rose glanced at Clara to see the latter glaring darkly at her, not answering her husband.

"What? I wasn't gonna say anything. You two sleep together if you want," said Rose, too tired and annoyed to even _try_ and say something witty. Clara seemed surprised at this, and dropped her slight attitude towards Rose, instead directing it at whatever the source of the racket was.

"'Time is it, Chin?" Clara called back into the room, cutting out bits of the sentence out of tired. Rose was interested in this, too.

"Err, it's about five in the morning, I think. Earth time," he said. He seemed to be rushing around in the darkness of the room, but Rose couldn't see.

"Five AM?!" Martha exclaimed, being the first of them all to actually leave her room properly, rather than just poking her head out. It was getting to the point the clangs - and possibly explosions - were so loud one of them was about to go do something. Eleven had even joined Clara, prodding his own head out above hers, and Donna and the Ponds had emerged, too.

It was then, when Rose was sure someone would take action, that Jenny, Jack and Ten all burst round the corner, banging pans together and laughing and shouting. They were met with angry, steely glares from everyone who was awake, and slowly their smiles faltered and died.

"Did we... wake you..?" asked Ten in a voice that was trying not to trip over a mine, though he was utterly oblivious to the fact all the mines were ready to explode.

"Wake us?" said Rose, "_Wake us_?"

"It's five in the bloomin' morning, what the bloody hell do you think you're doing, spaceman?!" Donna bellowed at him in rage.

"We're making breakfast," said Jenny innocently.

"Can you make breakfast somewhere else? Say a few miles away? Or stop banging those pots? Or you could just go to sleep?" Rose listed ideas she hoped they'd take.

"We just thought -" Ten began pitifully, but none of them were having it.

"Thought what? Thought waking us up at five o'clock was a good idea?" Mickey snarled at him.

"Well, technically it's four fif -"

"'Well' nothing! Putting a four there just makes it worse!" said Rose, "All three of you, go away! We can make our own breakfast. I get enough early wake-up calls at home!" she shouted at all of them. Ten looked incredibly guilty as he turned and walked away. His stance said he was waiting for one of them to forgive him so he could explain whatever scheme he had been in the midst of.

"Early wake-up calls?" questioned Clara.

"Don't get me started on Tentoo. He's always finding things and building stuff in the night, then he wakes me up so I can go see whatever it is," she explained. Clara laughed. "Don't be too happy, you'll have to deal with it one -"

"Wifey! Come look what I made!" Eleven said, appearing back behind her again and pulling her into the room.

"I'm talking! What are - did you dismantle the sink?! _And_ the shower?!" she said. Rose chuckled and went back into her bedroom, shaking her head at the both of then before collapsing in a heap and going back to sleep. **(AN: That rhymed!)**

When she woke up again the TARDIS had installed a clock for her to check, which she was grateful for as she read the time to be ten o'clock. She yawned and stretched and this time remembered her crutch and injury, so she walked into the hall nearly pain free.

But out in the hall was a very weird looking device sporting taps and a shower head, made out of pipes and all somehow attatched to a sink basin at the bottom. It vaguely resembled a metal plant. This was obviously Eleven's creation.

She walked around it and down the corridors until she got to the kitchen, noticing she was desperately craving a cup of tea and a decent breakfast. Ten, Jenny and Jack were there, Ten seemed to have cheered up a little though.

"Morning?" he said to Rose questioningly, seeing if she was going to snap at him again.

"Morning!" she replied brightly. He grinned at this, much happier, until she gave him a nasty look, "you're not off the hook yet." His mood flopped. Martha and Donna were the only other two there.

"We just wanted to make breakfast for you," he said.

"Walking through corridors banging pots together is _not_ making breakfast!" Rose argued with him.

"I made you tea," he said, passing her a mug. She took it and stared at it for a few moments. "...What?"

"You don't make tea," she said to him.

"I do sometimes!" he said.

"It took me months to train your duplicate to make tea properly, you do not make tea," she said to him.

"Alright, Jack made it and told me to tell you I did," he admitted. Rose cast Jack a glance, but Jack was pretending he hadn't been listening to them both. Rose expected him to start whistling and or begin an unrelated conversation, but that was when the Ponds entered the room. Amy gave the Tenth Doctor a disapproving look as she and Rory went

over to the kettle.

"Good night's sleep?" Amy asked Ten bitterly.

"Didn't sleep," he replied.

"Oh, well that makes two of us." He pouted.

"Three," Rory corrected.

It wasn't long until River appeared with Mickey just a few moments behind, and then they were only waiting for Eleven and Clara. Rose wondered what the end of that argument had been the previous night, and how the curious device had ended up in the hall.

"I'm hungry," said Mickey eventually.

"We can't eat until everyone's here, it's rude," said Ten. Rose did not think he was he sort of person who could tell anyone they were being rude, but she knew he was so stubborn he would keep that point until they did arrive.

"I'll go and get them," she volunteered, grabbing her crutch from the side and standing up.

"I'll come too," said Amy, joining her. Martha joined them too, claiming anywhere was more interesting than the kitchen right then, since nobody had been talking.

"We should probably talk," said Rose loudly.

"Why?" asked Martha.

"To give them some warning."

"Why will they need warning?" Martha quereyed.

"We don't know what they're doing in a bedroom, alone, together, late for breakfast, married," said Rose.

"Ah..." said Martha, "maybe we should just leave them?"

"Or we could just do this," said Amy, going up to their door and banging her fist on it, "DOCTOR! LEAVE HER ALONE AND COME TO BREAKFAST!" Rose and Martha couldn't stop laughing.

"What do you want? We weren't doing anything," said Clara, opening the door.

"Why're you so flushed then?" Amy asked her.

"It's hot in there," said Clara. Amy snorted.

"I bet it is!" Rose said, laughing even more.

"I'm sick of you all. I will come to breakfast when I'm ready, but right now I have far more interesting things to do!" Clara said. Rose opened her mouth to comment.

"We know, like -"

"DON'T!" she said, and then the door was slammed.

"D'you not want breakfast?" asked Rose.

"No!" Clara shouted. The trio walked away from the room quickly, returning to the kitchen empty handed and getting questioning looks from everyone else.

"They're busy," said Rose.

"Doing what?" asked Ten.

"We didn't check," Rose cut across the others, quite a few of them about to make the dirty joke Ten had inadvertently set up. "But they're not coming to breakfast. So we may as well just eat without them."

"How long are they gonna be, exactly?" Jack asked, grinning.

"Tell you what, why don't you deal with the wrath of Clara and find out?" Rose said, addressing Clara's rage. "She's not in a very good mood with us."

"Why? What did we ever do?" said Donna.

"You bully her relentlessly! All of you!" Jenny said, "can't you be nicer to eachother?"

"Yeah," Ten agreed with his daughter while eating jam with his fingers. Rose shook her head at him so he noticed he was eating it with his hands once again. He quickly put the jar down and wiped his fingers. "I'll just get the TARDIS to make us breakfast, shall I?" he said as Jack got up to leave. Rose couldn't believe he was actually going to see what the newlyweds were up to, but she thought it was hilarious when he ran back into the kitchen five minutes later. Clara's yells at him could have been heard from the breakfast table.

"And?" prompted Rose upon his return.

"Nothing! They're not doing anything, they just want to prove a point to you by not coming to breakfast," said Jack.

"That's immature," said Rose.

"You're _all_ immature," said Jenny, who had already finished her breakfast. She'd never tasted Earth food before, and she couldn't get enough bacon. "You can't blame her, all you do is bully her."

"Are you the voice of reason now?" said Rose, annoyed.

"I've lived twice as long as you ever will. I'm young for a Time Lord, not for a human," she said. Ten looked on proudly as his daughter took the moral high-ground against Rose, though Rose glowered at him for this and he busied himself with the kettle's various settings again.

"What do you want me to do?" said Rose.

"Apologising would be a good start," suggested Jenny. "Let's go now, I'll come too." She got up and stood over Rose, trying to guilt trip her with her eyes. She knew Jenny was right though, she should apologise to Clara.

"Alright, fine! Come on..." she said begrudgingly, glimpsing Jenny's smirk as she stood up on her crutch and limped after the Time Lady.

"Why are you all so mean?" Jenny asked her as they walked.

"I'm not mean!" Rose disagreed.

"You're all mean to Clara," she said. Rose shifted edgily, but didn't reply. Of course the 207 year-old Time Lady was right. She might be the Doctor's daughter but she wasn't nearly as blind as her father was to other peoples' feelings.

"She sets herself up!"

"She does not!" Jenny said back. Rose knocked loudly on the door to end their conversation. Jenny was only irritating her because she knew she was right. Eleven's gizmo - whatever it was - had gone from the corridor.

"We shoulda brought them breakfast," said Rose.

"They could have breakfast in bed, it can't be that difficult to have the TARDIS build a kitchen," said Jenny.

"It is if the TARDIS hates you," said Rose.

"Who does the TARDIS hate?" inquired Jenny.

"Me," Clara supplied, opening the door so wide they could see just how tidy the room was, which was obviously some sort of tactic on her part. "What do you want? Not coming to apologise, are you?"

Rose didn't reply instantly, meaning Jenny crossed her arms and looked at Rose expectantly. "Yeah, actually. I am."

"Imagine that, Rose Tyler, apologising," she said. Rose frowned.

"I do apologise, always. Has he been telling you stuff?" Rose looked over Clara's shoulder to see Eleven wasn't there.

"He's trying to put the bathroom back together," Clara explained.

"Right... Listen, I'm sorry for being awful, and telling everyone about you and the Doctor, and for their bullying," she said.

"...And..?" said Jenny.

"And I promise not to do it again," said Rose. "Are we friends again?"

"Again? We were friends before?" said Clara.

"I don't know, suppose so, whatever. Are we even?"

"No, we're not even. But you're forgiven. We'll be even soon," said Clara evilly. Rose was very suspicious of this, but sank back into her own room to have. shower and get dressed momentarily, trying to ignore Jenny as she skipped away gleefully.


	44. Dinosaurs Off A Spaceship

**AN: I'm really sorry, but there will be no updates this weekend. If you're really lucky, late on Sunday there **_**might **_**be a short one, but please don't get your hopes up for that because I won't be home until 10 or 11 and I'll be more or less dead from camping. Monday, however, I'll try to do one long one or possibly two. I'm liking this plot so far, even though its only just started.**

_Dinosaurs Off A Spaceship_

It was around three o'clock - Earth time - that they arrived somewhere new. They'd had to run the errand of collecting Jenny's Messaline ship after breakfast, somehow the Doctors had managed to get it through the doors, but Rose hadn't questioned their physics. Ten had also taken it upon himself as an over-protective father to deactivate Jenny's vortex manipulator, leaving only its basic function to tell the time wherever it was.

The TARDIS landed in another random place, though this time they were going to check the history before leaving its safety. Ten checked the monitor in the control room, grinned to himself and switched it off. Rose's bandages had been changed and, according to Martha, with whatever weird space-medicine the TARDIS had summoned for her it would all be healed by the next say. She still hadn't looked at it properly.

"So, where are we?" Rose asked Ten, who was keeping close watch on her and her injury.

"You'll see," he said excitedly, pulling on his long brown coat and letting Nine - who hadn't turned up for breakfast because of the row he and Ten had the previous day - open the doors, revealing a lush, green jungle teeming with the types of plants and animals Rose could only dream of seeing usually.

"Where are we? The Amazon? The Congo?" Rose asked Ten.

"None! We're in Europe," he said. Martha looked at him incredulously.

"Europe?" she said, unimpressed but very confused.

"Yeah! _Prehistoric_ Europe," answered Ten. "It's a jungle out there."

"Did you just quote Rugrats?" asked Eleven.

"Erm... Quite possibly," said Ten. They all started to make their way out of the TARDIS slowly and carefully, all of them worrying about what dinosaurs lurked in whatever specific part of Earth's development they were in.

However, as soon as they were all out of the TARDIS, huge creatures swooped down out of nowhere. Rose shrieked an clung to Ten, hoping he would ground her as the beasts descended. They moved incredibly quickly, Rose would have thought their speed unnatural if she knew what was and wasn't natural for dinosaurs, and they seemed to shimmer, almost, in the sun.

"What the hell are they?!" yelled River.

"They're big and they're scary! Run!" shouted Eleven, pulling Clara after him as he ran into the trees and out of the clearing they were in. Ten was sure to grab Rose, too, taking her with him as everyone else scattered.

"AMY! DOCTOR!" Rory hollered from somewhere, but Ten didn't turn back and he didn't let Rose turn back to see what was happening, either, as they pelted through the dense thicket of jungle.

"RORY!" Amy shrieked. There was a noise like a sonic mixed in with Amy's repeated cries for her husband, then Nine started to yell, too, and so did others, Mickey and Donna being two of them.

"PUT IT DOWN! YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT!"

"The TARDIS," said Ten, stopping for a minute. Rose knew he wanted to go back for it, but she looked into the sky and saw one of the enormous shiny dinosaurs flying above them, with the TARDIS between its claws. Then more passed over them, but these ones held people. Rory, then Amy, then Mickey, then Donna, then Nine, all of them taken by the monsters Rose didn't recognise from any history book.

Silence fell, the insects in the jungle had scarpered, there was only the sounds of the others as they waited for somebody to speak.

"Doctor?" said Martha from somewhere. Rose stared around but she couldn't see anyone else.

"Yep," said Ten.

"I'm here too," said Eleven, distantly, "Clara's safe with me."

"I've got Rose," said Ten.

"I escaped," declared Jenny from far off, she'd remained with the TARDIS, but she hadn't been stolen herself.

"I'm good," Jack called.

"And me," said River.

"Right. Well this is everyone," said Ten, "I have the injured party" - Rose gave him a scowl which he ignored - "so you should follow my voice and get to me and Rose." They all agreed and Ten started speaking, mainly to Rose, about what the creatures had looked like and how, unhelpfully, he'd never seen anything like them before.

"They were like pterodactyls, only much bigger and sort of... shiny," he said.

"I noticed that," Rose remarked as Eleven and Clara emerged through the trees. Jenny was the next to appear, then Jack, Martha and finally River, all crammed into an area of trees that wasn't even a clearing, just slightly less dense.

"What do we do now?" asked Martha.

"Follow them," said River, "I've been in terrain like this before, I know how to get through it."

"You're also a hologram, can't you just walk straight through everything?" Jack suggested.

"Solid hologram," she said, clambering through some trees. Rose was glad Ten had picked up her crutch for her, but she struggled to use it properly in the jungle's undergrowth, which made Ten resort to insisting he half-carried her along their journey.

"I can walk," she said to him for the hundreth time, but, as was with the other ninety-nine, he wasn't having it.

"No you can't, not without the crutch, you'll hurt yourself even more. What if a twig were to cut through the bandages and get itself lodged inside one of the open cuts?" he said. Just the thought of that made her gag. "Rose? Are you alright?"

"Fine," she choked.

"Are you sure?" he asked urgently.

"Actually, she looks really pale," said Clara, "seriously ill. Maybe her cuts are infected?"

"Martha! Hold Rose!" he said, worried.

"No, Doctor, I'm fine, really, she's just - eek!" she said as he pushed her into Martha and dove down onto the dirty ground to look at her bandage and check it, lifting her leg high so she toppled backwards into a tree, hitting her head. "Ouch..." Clara, and possibly a few others, laughed. "At least I don't have a black eye."

"It'll be gone soon!" said Clara, who did, in fact, still have a black eye.

"Ahem," said Jenny, clearing her throat and giving Rose and Clara looks. Nothing more was said and Jenny the Guardian Angel looked pleased with herself. "We were following the dinosaurs?" It took a minute or so, but soon enough they were all walking again.

"What time is it?" asked Martha.

"Three-thirty," answered Ten and Eleven.

"Not here," said Jenny.

"Why? What time is it here?" asked Eleven, meandering over to her.

"Three-forty," she said. Eleven scoffed and walked away from her, back to Clara, taking her hand in a strangely determined manner. She sniggered at his pouting as he helped her moodily through the rainforest.

"Where abouts are we in Europe?" asked Rose a while of silent walking later. (**AN: Did that make sense just there?**).

"You'll never guess," said Ten. "Well, I'm not too sure where we are right _now_, but I _can _tell you where we landed."

"Where?"

"The Powell Estate!" he said, beaming, "you're gonna grow up back there in a couple million years. Isn't that just brilliant? Some day, all this will be London!"

"Bit depressing, really," said Martha. "All this life, destroyed and turned into shops and flats."

"Hey! It wasn't you lot who got rid of it, it was a meteorite. Crashed somewhere around Mexico. Then there's ice ages, a whole host of stuff. This country's just barren wilds before cities start getting built, no need to feel guilty," he said happily, defending the human race.

"But it's beautiful. Like the rainforest, and we're destroying those," said Martha.

"Rainforests-schmainforests! In a few hundred years from the 21st century, you'll have the technology to travel to whole planets of jungle!"

"He's right, all of the Galopogas System is rainforest planets," said Eleven, "and your rainforests never get _completely_ destroyed, not after you find out how Ghost Energy works."

"Ghost Energy?" asked Clara.

"What? You mean you don't have Ghost Energy on Earth?" said Jenny.

"When people see ghosts, they're not really seeing ghosts. What they're seeing most of the time is residual energy from space-craft, latching on to a past living being and keeping its shape for hundreds of years. Actually, most of it's leftover from Time Agents on missions, which is how the 'ghosts' can be seen through different time periods. It leaves a trail following the craft or person who brought it. Soon enough, you lot'll find away to harness this and it never runs out. Trouble is it can't be properly stored and it's not too common. Fusion cells will take over eventually, but only for intergalactic travel, then there'll be-"

"Shush, Chin," said Clara to Eleven eventually to stop him talking, "you're rambling again."

"It's really hot," said Martha, "what's it like in Africa if it's like this here?" Rose guessed the temperature was into the 40° mark, if not late thirties.

"I don't know, I don't come here very much. Lots of danger," said Eleven knowingly, as though they had not already fallen victim to the many dangers of jurassic Earth.

It was then that it started to rain. Not just rain, but cascade down onto them like a waterfall, dripping from the canopy above onto their heads. Within moments they were completely soaked and definitely wishing they'd gone straight to Clara's father's house instead of here.

"We should probably get to some shelter!" River shouted over the whooshing, hissing sounds of the rain and the croaking noises of whatever creatures were lurking about in the leaves as the fifty-pence sized droplets bounced off the leaves and onto their heads.

"We don't know how long it'll be til we find a cave!" Eleven said back.

"Well, I can see some mountains up ahead!" River said, "They'll be a good bet!"

"Alright, go ahead," Eleven said.

"I'm carrying you," Ten said to Rose, suddenly hoisting her up into his arms. As much as she wished he was strong enough for this, she felt him struggle after a few moments. "Your foot could get some dirt in it, and then it could-"

"Don't wanna know!" she said, clinging to him for dear life. She heard someone chorlte from somewhere, a chortle that was probably Clara's. Rose couldn't blame her, if Eleven had suddenly picked up Clara and declared it was unsafe for her to walk, Rose would've laughed.


	45. The Announcement

**AN: I'm back now and I'm exhausted from camping in thunder storms and being ill, sorry for a short chapter.**

_The Announcement_

They finally found a cave after Rose was so water-logged she didn't think she'd ever be dry again, and they all sat in a big huddle near the back. It was darkening outside and the temperature had fallen dramatically, so they were shivering and Rose wished for nothing more than a fire.

"Glad I brought this now," said Jenny, pulling a device from her belt. A device that looked a lot like a gun, which made Ten tense up. He hadn't seemed very happy the previous day when she'd said she had a gun. "Don't worry, Dad. This one's not a gun. It's a fire-maker."

"Fire-maker?" he asked.

"It makes fires," Jenny explained.

"Ooh, right..." he said. Rose tutted at him. Jenny aimed the gun at the space in between them and pulled the trigger of the device. Flames shot forth, making it briefly appear to be a flamethrower, but then they stopped and a proper fire had begun. _In midair_. They all ooh'd and aah'd in the typical way, but it was definitely a warm fire.

"I love the future," said Rose.

"Jenny, did I ever tell you, you're brilliant!" said Ten, beaming.

"Thanks, Dad," she replied, grinning.

They dried off quickly with the aid of the fire, but Rose still huddled close to Ten because the temperature was all but ideal, and she was starting to get hungry. She had half a mind to pack some dehydrated astronaut food and bring that out next time just in case they were stranded for a second night somewhere, since it seemed to be happening a lot recently.

"Anybody have any food? Fish and chips, maybe?" said Jack, who was sat next to Jenny and getting daggers glared at him every time he shuffled closer, solely for the purpose of annoying Ten.

"Not for you," said Ten coldly. Jack gave him a bored, mocking look.

"Wait - you've got fish and chips?" Rose asked him.

"Nope."

"You were just trying to scare Jack..." she said, disappointed.

"Sorry. I'd've brought something, if I knew what was going on. We could eat Jack, he'll grow back," said Ten, smiling, but there was legitimate anger in his eyes as he glanced to Jack.

"And which part of me do you want to eat?" Jack taunted.

"Oh, don't start..." groaned Ten.

"Could go hunting. I've got a gun, so does your daughter. I know how to set traps and snares and make spears?" suggested Jack.

"What happens if you step on a butterfly?" said Ten.

"Hang on, you said that wasn't true!" said Martha.

"What wasn't?"

"That stepping on a butterfly can change the future of the human race!"

"When did I say that?" Ten asked.

"When we met Shakespeare!"

"When we met... Oh... Oh! Not in the sixteenth century it won't work, but here anything could happen. And killing and eating an animal is much worse that just treading on a butterfly. You lot might all turn into... into..."

"Cassandra?" supplied Rose.

"Exactly, _Cassandra_, then you'll resort to stealing bodies and living on a frame and the entire human race will have to be moisturised," he said. "So just... leave it. We'll carry on when the rain stops."

"What about plants? I'll eat them and see if they're poisonous, and if not, we can eat them," said Jack.

"No! Lots of species evolved from plants, too. We can't hurt anything," said Eleven.

"They're plants!"

"And their decendants could hold the cure for a terrible disease for all we know, and if you go stop that from happening who knows how many could die?!" Eleven retorted.

"How long til the rain lets up?" Clara asked him to break the tension between Jack and the Doctors that had grown.

"Could be seconds, could be days," said Eleven, "Ah, actually, I have an umbrella somewhere in here..." he started digging through his pockets.

"Don't suppose _you _have an umbrella?" Rose asked Ten. He gave her a look that showed he thought his future self was an imbecile for carrying such a human thing. "Thought not."

"Here we go!" exclaimed Eleven, grinning like a child and drawing a large, bright red umbrella from his pocket.

"Hey! That's mine!" said Clara, snatching it from him, "why did you take my umbrella?!"

"I only took it the other day, when we left the Maitlands'. In case it rained," he said, "here you go." He handed it to Clara, who merely looked at it blankly.

"I'm not going outside," she said, "I'm not crazy."

"I'll go out and look around, I'll be fine," said Jack, standing up and snatching Clara's umbrella from her so she jumped.

"I'm coming, we might find Mickey," said Martha.

"I want to find my parents," said River. After a brief argument about food with the Doctors, they were finally allowed to leave. Now all who remained were Ten, Eleven, Rose, Clara and Jenny. Rose had a nagging feeling Jenny had only stayed to stop the two women arguing again.

"I've never had a sibling," said Jenny. Ten and Eleven both spluttered at the conversation she's suddenly started, and Rose and Clara exchanged fearful glances. "I can have a brother or sister now."

"Erm, no... You really can't..." said Ten, trying to be dismissive but failing.

"Why not? You two could have a half-brother or sister for me," Jenny said, addressing Ten and Rose, who both gasped and made angry noises. Clara burst out laughing. "But then there's the both of you. You're married, and obviously in love."

"You can't make people have children for your own sakes!" Clara said, angry now the tables had been turned.

"Can too," said Jenny.

"No, Canton can't have kids for you, either. He's gay," said Eleven. Everyone gave him looks. "Oh! Sorry! Can _too_, not Canton... I apologise."

"Why can't you lot have kids?"

"Because we don't want kids!" all four of them declared in anguish at the same time.

"Well I want a sibling! Why don't I get a say? You're all my parents."

"I'm not! We're only related by... half-marriage! I'm your quarter-mother-in-law! That's barely a relation!" said Rose.

"Me too!"

"And I'm only half your father! Leave me and Clara out of your weird-talk," said Eleven.

"And you don't get a say because you're... You're just a child! Sort of... You'd have to take care of them," Ten said, as if he were talking about a puppy, "walk them and clean up after them and teach them to... roll over."

"No, there is no bargaining, she is not getting a sibling! Not from me and not from Clara!" said Rose.

"I was only asking because you're not always going to be there... And... You're going to be grandfathers..." Jenny confessed.

"WHAT?!" yelled Ten and Eleven, both jumping to their feet to give the disappointed-father lecture. "YOU'RE ONLY 207!"

"If there were an uncle or an aunt we could have some help to raise it!"

"How far gone are you?!" demanded Ten.

"Sorry?"

"In your bloody pregnancy!" he was howling.

"I'm not pregnant!" she said in shock, "why would you think that?!"

"Because you just said you were!" stammered Eleven.

"No, I said you were gonna be grandfathers! The Face of Bo is the pregnant one!" she said.

"The Face of Bo's baby is _yours_?!" Rose joined in the shock, only Clara was at a loss to what was going on. Then Jenny started to laugh.

"What's so funny?!" shouted Ten, furious, "you and... and _Jack_! Captain Jack Harkness having _my_ grandchild!"

"What the hell are you talking about?!" asked Clara.

"Jack ages until he becomes the Face of Bo, because he can't die, and in the year 200000 he's announced as being pregnant," explained Eleven through gritted teeth.

"I was also talking to him earlier about Earth celebrations," said Jenny, "and he told me about an interesting one... called April Fool's Day."

"Wait... Are you saying... this was all... a prank?" asked Ten, baffled.

"Happy 207 missed April Fool's Days!" she declared.


	46. Problematic

**AN: I'm trying to phase out the Clara-bullying now, which you could probably tell, so I can have her and Rose as a really cool brotp, which will be a good dynamic. And I'm planning on having some Rose and Nine interactions, though not for a while, and hopefully some more Donna and Ponds. Also, sorry for my late-night updates.**

_Proble_mat_ic_

Ten had seen it in his duties as a father to make Jenny go and sit outside in the rain until the others returned as pennance for what she had done as over two centuries of missed April Fool's Days, which had sparked an argument and a clash between her and him - and Eleven, though he tried to stay out of it.

Annoyingly it was now dark and the rain was just getting heavier and heavier. Ten and Rose huddled close together to keep warm, Eleven and Clara doing the same on the opposite side of the fire, which was still nice and warm and wasn't going out at all. But Rose supposed that was to do with the fact it was an unnatural fire. There were no stars visible in the sky, either.

Rose glanced at Clara to see Eleven slouched far enough down the wall that she could rest her head in the crook of his neck, her eyes shut, but whether she really was sleeping or whether she was just pretending Rose didn't know. Eleven's own head was against that of his wife's, and he looked rather drowsy too, but a smile was definitely playing on his lips as he looked vacantly at the cave wall, his eyes flitting back to Clara occasionally.

As for Ten and Rose, Ten was in the dip in the wall of the cave that wasn't quite a corner but didn't seclude him from the others. Rose was tucked up cosily under his arm, her legs curled under her, and every now and then Ten would stroke her hair or smile warmly at her. He'd also wrapped them both up sufficiently in his long, brown trench coat, which she was eternally grateful for.

She didn't remember sleeping, but she must have, because she was suddenly being shaken awake by Ten and the sounds of shouts and sonics. She was groggy and it was still dark and still raining, and the fire was still burning.

"Doctor? Doctor, what's happening?" she groaned as he pulled her to her feet.

"Sorry, Rose," he said, passing her a crutch and dashing off somewhere as she tried to blink the tired from her eyes. "Jenny! Need three pairs of hands over here!" Rose saw the blonde blur that was Jenny rush past her in the direction of Ten's voice.

Rose looked and saw Ten and Eleven both running about with their sonics, trying to catch something silver and glinting. Clara, who was rubbing her eyes and also dazed, was paying little attention to them and their loud noises.

"It's a cybermat!" declared Eleven.

"Cyber?" asked Rose and Clara together.

"Made from recycled flesh that can't be used in Cyberman upgrades!" he explained. "A big rodent thing, with teeth!" News that the Cybermen were skulking about in prehistoric Earth hit Rose Tyler so hard she was suddenly wide awake.

The Doctors were now on the ground, gripping the end of the cybermat as it tried to struggle away, Jenny fiddling with her screwdriver and trying to find the right frequency to disable the cybermat.

"I've never seen one of those!" said Clara.

"Me neither," added Rose.

"You wouldn't have, they weren't on Hedgewick's because they didn't need them, they had the cyber_mites_. And they weren't at Canary Wharf because those Cybermen were from a parallel world, not Mondas," Eleven explained loudly.

"Mondas!?" asked Rose.

"It's where the Cybermen originally came from in this universe," said Ten through gritted teeth. "Jenny! Get that note!"

"I'm trying!" she said, experimenting with higher and higher frequencies. But then the cybermat escaped, turned away from the exit and scuttled towards Clara, who shrieked and managed to kick it away, so instead it went after Rose, who swatted it with her crutch. It paused and made a hissing sound, half beast, half metal, so she whacked it again. And she kept hitting it until sparks flew out and it stilled.

"Ah-ha!" said Jenny triumphantly, finally finding the right sound. "Oh..." she noticed the dying cybermat, "Can't be too sure." She sonicked it and writhed one last time, making Rose jump, but then it was finally dead.

They all ended up huddled closely together around the fire, Jenny drying off from her punishment, Ten and Eleven both examining the cybermat so Rose and Clara were sat on the opposite side now as they waited for the others to eventually return or for the rain to stop, though it was still incredibly heavy and the sky was still caped in clouds.

"Men..." said Rose quietly so the Doctors didn't hear.

"They're all the same," replied Clara, "especially when they _are_ the same."

"Not quite the same," said Rose, "my Doctor's got way better hair and dress sense."

"I beg to differ!" Clara said back.

"The shoes," Rose said, "I rest my case."

"The Eleventh Doctor has much better hair, and a bowtie," said Clara.

"A bowtie? That's your argument?" said Rose. Jenny cleared her throat. So they weren't even allowed to have friendly, joking arguments now? "So, I see you and Jack have been getting cosy?" Out of the corner of her eye Rose saw Ten glance up.

"Nothing of the sort," she answered curtly.

"We can see the way you look at him," said Clara.

"What way? Tell me, what way does she look at him?" Ten asked urgently.

"There isn't a way," said Jenny flatly.

"Yes there is, you gaze into eachother's eyes, you're always shuffling closer, having your own quiet conversations, going off to make tea in a different room to everyone else," Rose said.

"Eh?" said Ten.

"Oi!" said Eleven.

"Shutup," hissed Clara.

"I wouldn't be surprised if he started building contraptions for you out of the plumbing and if you ended up sharing a bedroom," Rose continued.

"And before you know it you'll have married his clone and he'll have a tattoo of your face on his back, and then you'll have a row over what happened with Christina De Souza," Clara retaliated.

"Maybe he'll ask the Doctor for permission to marry you," said Rose.

"Maybe you'll steal millions of dollars from a casino just to talk to his clone," said Clara.

"Oi! That's enough from both of you," said Eleven. It was then that there were voices carrying from outside somewhere.

"...can't kill anything!"

"It was one little thing and I'm starving!"

"It doesn't matter! It's not like you're gonna die of hunger." The distinct sounds of Martha and Jack rowing reached them just as Clara's red umbrella appeared around the corner. "Don't worry, I stopped him killing anything," Martha told the Doctors.

"Good work," praised Ten.

"Got you a present, too," said Jack, holding up something silver and smushed. "Cybermat. Oh, I see you've already got one."

"_Two_ cybermats? I think we have a problem..." said Eleven.

"Did we not have a problem before?" asked Clara, confused.

"Well... A slightly bigger problem."


	47. A Mitey Conundrum

**AN: So, because I have a sort-of social life (though not much of one), I'm busy again all this weekend. But I'm trying to write out some advanced chapters before then so you still get updates, because I'll have wifi. Enjoy :) And, I'm in need of suggestions for story-arcs. I have one after this, but that's about all. So they will be some welcome plotlines.**

_A _Mite_y Conundrum_

Jack, River and Martha revealed (though only after they had dried off considering just how sodden they were) they had found a high point on one of the mountains where the giant, shimmering dinosaurs that had taken the TARDIS and the others were hiding.

"And how far away is this?" asked Clara.

"Bout two and half hours that way," said Jack, pointing to his left. "But it'll take a day to climb up to the top."

"It's two o'clock in the morning now, and the rain doesn't show any sign of stopping," said Ten in a voice showing he was about to suggest they set off.

"I don't wanna dry off just to get soaked again," said Martha.

"It is probably best we go now," said Eleven, "they could send something worse than cybermats next time."

"Great. Don't even get a rest," said Jack, annoyed.

"Stop complaining," said Rose.

"I'm holding the umbrella," said Clara, clutching the damp red object so nobody else would take it.

"I think Rose should share the umbrella with you," said Jenny.

"That's not very good revenge," commented Clara, since this was obviously the Time Lady's motive. Jenny narrowed her eyes at the pair of them, and Rose decided a rivalry with the Doctor's daughter probably wouldn't end well for anyone, but she was definitely not going to give Jenny the satisfaction of her and Clara arguing.

"I don't mind. I was gonna ask anyway," Rose lied. She had not been about to ask to share the umbrella. There was little point - her hair was ruined anyway, it couldn't get into a worse state.

Eventually the agreement was reached about the third person to go under the umbrella, that third person being Ten. He and Eleven had clashed (embarassingly, Rose might add) over who joins the wives. While they had been fighting, Martha had checked Rose's food for infection. Rose had accidentally glanced at it to see it wasn't nearly as bad as she'd thought - at least not anymore. There was a multitude of criss-crossing, slightly raised scars, but they were now closed up and only tinted with pink. Martha declared her foot stable, and wrapped it back up again in fresh bandages from Ten's transdimensional pockets. "I thought you might need them, just in case," had been his excuse for this, but Rose had just smiled and rolled her eyes. His protectiveness was irritating, but in a good way.

And that was when they set off on their way, into the horrendous, torrential, bone-chilling rain. Rose hobbled along with help from Ten and her crutch, while he kept a close eye on Jack and Jenny (though Eleven was doing quite a good job of keeping them apart). The rain rattled the umbrella and it took both Clara's hands to keep it steady and battle the rain, but even then she was still sometimes unsuccessful and Rose's face got splashed. Ten used one hand to help, too.

"So, Clara, you don't look like a nanny," said Ten, leaning down so they could both hear him.

"I've had enough of that from him, asking me why I'm a nanny," Clara said, nodding to Eleven.

"But why are you a nanny?" asked Rose. Clara sighed.

"I have a book, called 101 Places To See. My mother gave me it when I was I toddler. I've always wanted to travel. About a year ago, I was going to. I came to stay with the Maitlands for a week before I left, and during that week... their mother died," she said quietly.

"I'm so sorry," said Ten, "Sorry for asking."

"No, it's fine. I've just sort of, stayed. George is looking for a new, proper nanny though. My replacement. I'll have nowhere to go."

"You could keep travelling with the Doctor?" suggested Rose.

"I've seen his entire history, travelling with the Doctor isn't permanent, not for anybody," said Clara darkly, "that's not a quick-fix." The conversation ended there on a sad note, and, as apparently he'd grown bored, Ten drew out his sonic screwdriver and started scanning the air around them.

"Ooh, that's odd," he said, turning the screwdriver over in his and and listening to its buzz.

"What is it? Another cybermat?" Jenny called back over the rain.

"Not quite, it's this rain," said Ten, "it's unnatural. Something's causing it, causing an atmospheric disturbance... Sometimes tiny things get caught in breeches in time, they could be sent anywhere, they're the cause of some unexplained disappearences on Earth. I _thought_ that was how the cybermat got here, that maybe it homed in the sonics and found us. But then the second one showed up, and it seemed a tad strange."

"You don't think they're here by accident?" asked Jenny.

"No, I'm not saying that, I don't see _why _Cybermen would come here, or _how _they'd get here, for that matter. They don't have the technology. Could still be an accident, mind you, just a different type of accident."

"So, the Cybermen are causing the rain?" asked River.

"Probably not, they don't have _that_ sort of technology, either," said Eleven. "There's something else going on here."

They continued walking in silence except for the sound of their various devices scanning. Rose was looking around at the wildlife. The Doctor had only taken her to prehistoric Earth once before, and only briefly, because of the danger the dinosaurs posed. He claimed watching homosapiens settle was far more interesting, though Rose had to disagree. But she didn't see many animals, not even some kind of giant dino-snail crawling up trees as they were battling through the dense trees on the edge of the forest, trying to stay hidden if any Cybermen were lurking. Occasionally there were small creatures reminding her of butterflys and caterpillars, even some large (and frightening) spiders that Ten had fawned over for a few minutes despite them being the size of his head. That was when she glimpsed something she deemed strange. They were covering a tree and they looked like a swarm of ants, only whatever the creatures were they were definitely bigger than ants and strangely... shiny. Like metal.

_Metal_.

"Doctor, what are they?" she said, pointing to the creatures, which were remaining in a close circle on the tree trunk, just lower than eye level.

"Hmm... I don't know... They look a bit like funny insects..." He leant closer to the tree trunk to peer at them, and was about to touch one until Eleven pulled his hand away.

"They're cybermites," he whispered, "they're not moving, so just walk around them."

Cybermats and now cybermites. The discovery of the latter had lead Clara to tell (though in an undertone so she wouldn't have any interruptions from her husband) an entertaining story about Hedgewick's World of Wonders, and explain about someone called Mr Clever, but Rose found the whole body snatching thing confusing, though that was because Clara found it confusing, because she still didn't know the full story. Apparently this was because Eleven said she wouldn't understand.

A very long while later, when they were practically drowned and aching all over and longing for proper beds and showers and food and fresh clothes (and, though nobody said it, toilets), they came across the mountain where Jack, Martha and River claimed they had seen the Cybermen. And they began the ascent.


	48. Double Trouble

_Double Trouble_

Rose had no clue what time it was by the time they had scaled the mountain - though admitedly it was more of a large hill than a mountain, and they didn't go all the way up. But that didn't stop her from complaining about her feet hurting to Ten, who gave her a string of apologies. It also gained Jenny snappy at her to be quiet. Rose glared at the back of her head as they neared the deserted cave mouth, the shiny dinos not there.

"Shhh..." warned Jack, taking point with River and drawing a gun from somewhere, though Rose suspected she didn't want to know where the gun came from. He leant around the corner and then ducked back upon hearing marching. "Get back!" he hissed, and they all started quickly and dangerously traversing down the mountain, _backwards_.

"Halt," said the cold, robotic voice of a Cyberman. "Species identified as human, male. You will come with me." It seemed they'd only seen Jack.

"Well how 'bout that, you caught me. Don't know how well you're gonna be able to upgrade me though, I've got a medical con-"

"Silence, human," said the Cyberman, drawing out the 'u'.

"I'm just tryin'a warn ya I might mess up your machinery," he said to them, though now his voice was getting distant and echoey as he entered the cave.

"So with cybermats and cybermites and Cybermen, what comes next? Cybersaurs?"

They all waited, completely still, as the voice of Captain Jack faded out.

"Can he heal from that?" asked Rose, knowing only too well what the upgrades entailed.

"No idea," said Ten honestly, shrugging. "But we're no good just standing out here in the-" he was clearly about to say rain, but was cut off when one of the giant pterodactyls made a cawing sound that was almost similar to the TARDIS's thrumming and launched itself out of the cave. The beast was not just shiny though.

Yes, it shimmered in the sunlight, but the reason was a far cry than just wet skin. Only its wings and underbelly remained untouched by the reach of the cybers. Its head was more of a helmet, metal with a glass case which Rose suspected was protecting its brain, and metal ran all the way down its back to the point of the tail, which was now a very sharp point. She couldn't tell if the legs had been removed completely and replaced or just covered in armour, but they looked deadly and threatening non the less. Finally, it was three times the height of an averge human, maybe stretching to three and a half, or four when it was fully upright. And it was horrorfying.

"Brilliant! Cybersaurs!" said Ten, grinning in awe.

"Don't walk up to it!" Rose said as he started to move, "It might kill you!" He gave her an apologetic look that made it clear the danger had not crossed his mind. She shook her head.

It was then that something incredibly strange happened. For just a tiny second, everything felt heavier. Rose almost fell over as the rain drilled into her head and almost ripped through the umbrella and suddenly the clouds dropped and swirled about them as a sea of fog.

But just as abruptly as it had started, it stopped. The clouds remained around them, obscuring Rose's vision after about a metre, but the rain was not nearly as heavy and she didn't feel as though she weighed three times as much. In fact, the rain was finally stopping.

"Temporal shift!" said Ten, incredibly loudly. Rose shushed him.

"Is that what that was?" asked Martha.

"Nope. Well, a bit. Gravity just got stronger for a minute, the whole planet's gravity. Who has the technology for a temporal shift? Certainly not the Cybermen..." he said, but was interrupted.

"Doctor..." said River, though she was at the front so Rose could not see her. "Doctor, look at the sky..." Slowly, everyone turned to look up, and what Rose saw made her collapse. To her great relief, Ten caught her, but then he tensed up. He had seen it too.

"No..." said Ten.

"Oh my stars..." said Clara.

"How..?" said Rose.

"That's impossible!" said Eleven.

It was giant. It was golden. It was a sphere. And it was heading to Earth, leaving a trail of smoke and flame billowing out behind it. Actually, it wasn't just heading for Earth. It was heading directly for the mountain they were all stood on.

"What? What is it?" asked Martha urgently.

"These aren't just any Cybermen," said Ten, "this is an entire Cyberman invasion of planet Earth. The Cyberman invasion from 2006."

"The ones that attacked Canary Wharf?!" asked Martha hysterically, "The ones that murdered my cousin?!"

"Yep..." said Ten.

"Then what on Earth is that ball thing?!"

"You mean 'what on Skaro' is that ball thing..." said Eleven.

"Skaro?" asked Martha, now Rose could hear the fear in her voice, she clearly recognised the name of the home planet of the Daleks...

"Yep... That's the sphere. _The_ Sphere," said Ten. "I'd say there was about twenty minutes before it hits..."

"How can they be here and there? In the future?" asked Rose.

"The Void is a funny place, and it was difficult to study for the Time Lords," Eleven began, "so they didn't. Not really. They let people jump across into parallel worlds because the Void energy isn't dangerous. It's still not dangerous, really. Only under special... circumstances..." he said carefully, bringing back bad memories Rose had of that dreadful day at Canary Wharf years ago. She tried not to think of it most of the time.

"If looks like they've come here now," said Ten.

"Before or after they came through the Void?" asked River.

"Dunno," he said, baffled, "can't tell. But..." he pulled out his 3D glasses and put them on, flashing Rose a cheesy, toothy grin. She couldn't help but laugh at him. "Well everything's alright with us, I think... I've got Void stuff, Rose has Void stuff, he's got Void stuff," he pointed to Eleven.

"So do I," said River. Ten nodded to her and stared around.

"Cybersaur up there's got Void stuff, I can see it through the fog," said Ten. "That's it."

"Oi, why don't I have any stuff?" asked Martha.

"You haven't been through the Void," Eleven explained, "you pass through the Void when you travel through parallel dimensions, and you pick up all this energy."

"But why is the Sphere over there flying to Earth?!" Rose demanded, trying to get them back.

"Well... Pfft..." said Ten, relatively stumped, "Void could have duplicated them and sent the duplicates 65 million years apart? Though I don't see why the Void duplicated them... Unless..."

"Unless what?" asked Clara.

"I dunno! I'm thick, too thick! I'll have to talk to them and find out!" he declared, then he turned on his heels and sped away, the soles of his converse now muddy but flashing Rose and Clara as they struggled up the hill after him, trying to get him to stop.

And that was when they entered the cave. The entire mountain had been completely hollowed out, nothing left inside, and now things had been built, catwalks and whirring machines, there were lines of the dinosaurs in all different species, Rose could have sworn she saw a t-rex and quite a few tricerotops' to go along with the vastly-oversized pterodactyls. And all around where Cybermen, cybermats, the walls crawling with the smallest cybermites. And when the group ran in, they all turned and their voices silenced to be replaced by the maniacal cackling of -

"Rory?" asked Eleven in shock, pushing to the front of the crowd.


	49. Mr Not-So-Clever

**AN: For this chapter: Yes, I know these Cybermen are different to the Cybermen in NiS, but some of the things said reflect the future Cybermen and the Cyberiad, so please excuse that as it is nessescary for the plot arc.**

_Mr Not-So-Clever_

"Not anymore, Doctor!" said Rory. He was standing on what seemed to be a podium and flourishing his arms as he spoke. Some of his face seemed to be transformed half into a Cyberman, bits of metal all over it. Nearby, Jack was still being hauled away by the Cybermen towards a machine Rose knew was for upgrading, it was very similar (if not identical) to the ones she'd seen in Cybus Industries. Just much larger, so it could convert dinosaurs, probably. Around Rory's podium stood the others, completely still and staring straight ahead blankly. Nine, Mickey, Donna and Amy all looked comatose.

"What do you mean?" asked Eleven darkly, stepping into the cave and trying to push his soaked, floppy hair out of his face. It just flopped down again though no matter how many times he tried, and Rose could have sworn she heard Clara give a tiny laugh at this.

"I'm not Rory Williams. I am the Cyber Planner!" he declared.

"But you can't be, that's your future. It hasn't happened yet," said Eleven, confused by this turn of events. "You can't be Mr Clever."

"Mr Clever? I like that... Not too clever though, is he? This one?" mocked the Cyber Planner, "I should call myself Mr Not-So-Clever."

"It's not very witty," said Clara.

"Silence, girl. Who needs wit, when you have an army?" Cyber Planner twirled and waved his arms at the hoardes of varying Cybers around them.

"Rude..." said Clara.

"I said silence!" yelled the Cyber Planner angrily. Clara did (finally) shut up. Rose smirked. "Who might you be?"

"I'm-" Eleven started, but dashing Ten with his 3D glasses stepped past him to speak.

"I'm the Doctor, and you're not supposed to be here," he said. Eleven crossed his arms and pouted. Their competition couldn't be clearer unless it was written in glass.

"Doctor!" said the Cyber Planner in almost a hiss.

"Yep, that's me. Doctor, Doctor Who. You know, just the one who defeated you on a parallel world. And now you're here, but why?" said Ten. "Why... Why... Ooh! What's this?" he had noticed something and he darted off to another part of the room, Eleven following him. Ten drew his sonic and started scanning the air, then he started walking until he came up to a blank wall of the mountain and ran his hand across it. Then he licked it.

"What is it?" asked Rose.

"Void stuff, all over this wall. You can taste it, tastes like metal," he said, looking the wall up and down. "How can this bit of wall have gone through the Void? Unless... No... Yes!.. Can't be... But... Ah-ha! That's _brilliant_!" He approached a Cyberman at random. The Cyber Planner was listening closely and had not ordered an attack, so for now, Rose observed, her Doctor was safe.

"What? Doctor, what's going on?" asked Jack, who was stuck facing the opposite way by the Cybermen who had halted.

"That wall is the breach! We're in London, remember? In 65 million years this'll be Canary Wharf!" declared Ten, clearly overjoyed he'd figuered something out. "Cybermen all come through the Void, _but_ the Void doesn't bend to our rules, oh no. The Void goes all the way through time, and there isn't just one breach. There's two. One now, and one aaaall the way in 2006."

"And it cloned them!" said Rose, happy they were seeming like their old double act.

"Yep! Only, the trouble is, the breach has been closed. You lot are doing fine in the future - Well, I say fine, I'm there - but now it looks like you're stuck here."

"That's not true, Doctor. We have your time machine, your TARDIS. We can use it to escape the fate of this puny planet, and rule the stars!" Cyber Planner cackled in Rory's body.

"Can't get in though, can you?" said Ten. "She's locked up tight. She'll die before she lets you anywhere near her controls," he said seriously.

"We have you now. Soon you'll become one of the Cyberiad, and then you'll tell us all your secrets and the Cybermen will rise again!" he said, raising his fists into the air in a dance-like movement.

"Bit camp," Rose whispered to Clara, whose snicker was agreement enough. Jenny cast them a look, but though Rose noticed this she pretended she hadn't, and went back to listening to Ten and the Cyber Planner clash.

"Nah, don't think so," he said, "You see, you lot are stupid. 'Let's stop our emotions', what a daft idea. Because it stops you being able to see the obvious, that I can get my TARDIS back whenever I want, now I know where she is." Cyber Planner narrowed his eyes.

"Get his sonic device!" he snarled at the two drones still gripping Jack's arms. They let Jack go, and he pulled out his own sonic weapon.

"Gah! Again with the banana!" he growled upon drawing a potassium-rich fruit from his holster.

"Food!" squealed Rose. Jack simply walked to the rest of the group as Ten used his sonic to emit a frequency to block the signals being sent through the Cybers, then he gave Rose the banana.

"Hey, I want some of that," said Martha.

"Me too," said Clara. Rose sighed and ended up breaking the fruit into three equal-enough chunks. It didn't fill her up at all, if anything she felt more hungry. She also felt bad for littering the skin on the edge of the mountain, but felt better when she remembered about the impending doom of the Sphere.

"Doctor, what about the Sphere? And the Daleks?" Rose reminded Ten.

"Oh! Sphere! Sorry, got distracted," he said, using the screwdriver to make Cyber Planner's goons walk backwards and do the macarena, much to the latter's dismay. Ten was grinning though. "Well, we don't have to do anything about the Sphere, long as history takes its course."

"Whaddaya mean?" asked Jack.

"He means there wasn't an asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs. There was that," said Eleven, "the Sphere crashes here and wipes out life on Earth, along with the Cult of Skaro inside and all these Cybermen. And us, if we're not careful."

"What do you mean it crashes here?" asked Rose, dumfounded, "earlier you said we were in London and that it crashes in Mexico!"

"No, we're where London _will be_. In 65 million years the plates could easily have shifted so here is Mexico. This mountain and this breach - which is stationary at this point - are going to be hit by the Sphere."

"I thought the Sphere didn't have any mass, or weight or anything?" mused Rose.

"It's the presence of the Cybermen as more than ghosts, they open it," Ten explained. Rose nodded like she understood the science behind what was going on. She didn't, but that didn't matter after Ten grinned crookedly at her. "They get a signal showing a high intelligence lifeform - which the Daleks take at a threat - and suddenly the Sphere pops into existence."

"Now, release my friends," said Eleven, stepping forwards. Ten decided he'd done his wild, eccentric deduction part of the proceedings so he came to join Rose again, allowing his much older self to take over.

"Release your friends? Why on Mondas should we do that?" said the Cyber Planner.

"Because otherwise I'll do it by force. I always carry a hand pulser now, just in case something like this happens. Let them go, and you can die here without any addiotional pain," said Eleven. Rose had only known him for little less than a week, but he'd always been the big kid. She'd never seen a serious side to him, unless Clara was injured. But even then, it wasn't scary like this. Rose was definitely far from unravelling the mystery of the Eleventh Doctor, how he could simultaneously be a child and an old man and how he could go from care-free to 'Last of the Time Lords' in nanoseconds. Rose was frightened.


	50. The Ultimate Third Wheel

**AN: Sorry, I'm really bad at closing up stories and revealing plot details. I like to keep them secret for ages, then I struggle when they actually need to be explained. So if this chapter isn't on par with the last few I apologise.**

_The Ultimate Third Wheel_

"Nice try, but we don't feel pain," said Cyber Planner, looking bored with Eleven's scare tactics.

"Release them!" Eleven ordered. Cyber Planner laughed.

"No. They're busy, feeding me knowledge," he said. "I know all about your ship, Doctor. And I know how you defeated us that time. This one's a bit funny though, can't get a reading." He was talking about Nine. Rose looked at him and, when Cyber Planner looked away, she could have sworn he winked.

"Can't get a reading from a simple human?" Eleven mocked him, "what sort of rubbish Cyber Planner are you?"

"We've got limited materials," he replied coldly. "But now I'm here, with all my new Time Lord knowledge, and... oh, now _that_ is interesting..."

"What is it?" asked Eleven.

"You shouldn't be here, Doctor," said Cyber Planner grimly, but he waa looking at Ten. "You're wrong, all wrong. Pulled out of time, you're about to die. You're miliseconds away, but your trapped." Ten stood and looked at the Cyber Planner. "Who knows if you're ever going to find out what's going on? What's really going - ARGH!"

It looked like an electrical current were running all the way through Rory's body as he screamed, covering his face with his hands, because the Ninth Doctor had pulled out Jack's sonic blaster and shot him with it. The current was running through all of the Cybermen at once, and the Cybersaurs, and the cybermats and even the cybermites from which Rose could see. Amy, Donna and Mickey joined the screaming also and Rose covered her ears against it.

"There's less than three minutes before the Sphere hits!" Ten shouted to Nine.

"Sphere?" he questioned.

"Big Void ship! Cult of Skaro! Came outta that breach then ended up in orbit but the breach is reopening and pulling it back in!" he explained in one fluid sentence. "Where's the TARDIS?!"

"This way!" said Nine. He lead Ten up the stairs of one of the catwalks. Rose dared to look outside and see the Sphere looking huge and scarily impending. Eleven was helping Rory, who had removed his hands from his face to reveal he was free of the metal upgrades and the Cyber Planner. The other three were looking disoriented, but other than that fine. Rose didn't have time to pay attention to the heart felt reuinions of Mickey and Martha and the Ponds, she was busy running after the Doctors with Jack, Jenny and River, Clara remaining with Eleven on the lower level. All of the Cybers were dead, or hibernating, or whatever it was called.

"HA! TARDIS!" shouted Ten, spotting the blue 1950s police box at the end of the walkway. Two Cybermen were lying next to it, now useless. The door opened easily for Ten and the console hummed in response to him and Nine. Rose, Jack, Jenny and River were the next in.

"COME ON! THE SPHERE'S GONNA HIT!" Jack shouted out of the doors. Rose waited nervously. It must have been an entire minute later that the rest of them finally collapsed through the doors. Eleven and Clara, followed by Amy and Rory, followed by Donna and at the back were Mickey and Martha. The doors shut themselves and the Doctors started on the console just as an explosion ripped the air outside.

But they were long gone, into the time vortex. And that was when hunger, thirst and tiredness finally struck Rose and she felt faint, whatever power had been keeping her upright was gone and she felt the full pain and ache of their scale of the mountain in her body. And she was fully aware of just how filthy she was.

"I really need a shower..." she said. The victims of the Cyber Planner were more or less completely dry and clean. However, the others were quite filthy.

"Me too," said Clara. There was a mumble of something from Eleven. Clara gave him a ghastly look, "No!" she said. Had he just suggested they share the shower? He looked embarassed and shuffled about as his wife stomped away through the corridors. Rose didn't wait to hear any more conversations about showers, she just followed after Clara.

Rose took a long time in the shower, loving the clean feeling she got from that and the fresh clothes. When she finally left her bedroom to go find food she was pleasantly surprised by Ten, leaning on the wall and holding a cup of tea.

"Hello!" he said, then he stunned her to silence by kissing her once, as though this were a usual occurance. She just looked at him, shocked, and his face fell, "Did I do something wrong?" he said.

"No... I don't think..." she replied, holding the cup and not drinking.

"I have to look at your foot, but it seems fine now," he said. That was when Rose realised her bandages had finally given up in the shower and she'd been walking on her foot without noticing.

"...I..." she was much too tired to really make sense of what was going on. Ten was leading Rose away in her confused state when Clara emerged from her shared bedroom.

"Just going to the infirmary for Rose's foot," Ten told Clara.

"I may as well come then," she said, "he's singing in the shower. It's annoying." Rose sniggered. They went past the kitchen where everyone but Eleven was gathered, being told (in rather dramatic and mostly falsified detail by Jack) about what had happened.

"Have some tea, Rose," Ten said to her, "tea can work wonders. Even your mother's tea. You can call her again if you want, tell her all about what's happened."

"I don't..." Rose was still very confused.

"What's wrong with you?" Clara asked, "you look like you've seen a ghost. Are you drunk?"

"No, I'm just... Why did you kiss me?!" she rounded on Ten.

"Sorry?" asked Clara.

"Just then, back there, he kissed me!" said Rose.

"I thought you were together," Clara said.

"I don't know..."

"Well, it's all timey-wimey, isn't it? I'm sure whats-his-face will understand," said Ten, clearly he was not fond of Tentoo.

"Would you?" Rose asked him. He stopped.

"I already did, that day on Bad Wolf Bay. The last time we said goodbye," he replied. Rose knew what he was talking about, she'd seen the pain in his eyes when she'd kissed Tentoo and not him. The subject was forgotten when they reached the infirmary. Rose was made to take another handful of pills but then Ten declared her free to go. She had tea, but she was desperate for some biscuits, so they all headed back into the kitchen.

And it was't five minutes after that when Eleven made his appearence.

"Wifey! Wifey, where'd you go?" he said. He popped his head into the kitchen and grinned when he saw Clara. And she grinned back. _What a rare moment_, thought Rose, _lovestruck Eleven _and_ lovestruck Clara at the same time_. It was obvious Eleven wasn't paying attention to anyone else as he sat next to Clara and wrapped and arm around her shoulders. Rose slurped her tea and looked at Ten.

"My Doctor still has better dress sense," Rose said. Clara snapped out of the trance the presence of her husband had put her in to defend his clothes.

"No way. He has a bowtie," she pointed at Eleven, "and bowties are cool." And, for some bizarre and unknown reason, the utterance of that specific sentence lead Eleven to kiss Clara in a way Rose had never seen him kiss her before (though she had not been privvy to all their moments, so what did she really know?), which made everyone except her and Martha and River to clap and cheer and wolf-whistle. But then they simply did not stop, and it became very awkward in the TARDIS kitchen with the madly-in-love, snogging couple.

"I'm gonna head off to bed..." said River first.

"Yeah... me too..." said Nine. They both left. Then Jenny left. Then Mickey and Martha left. Then the Ponds left. Then Donna left. Then Ten and Rose took their cue to get out of there.

"Jack? Leave them alone!" hissed Rose. Eleven garbled something souding similar to 'get out Jack'.

"What's that? Join in?" Jack joked. Rose reached and pulled his arm to get him to leave, the TARDIS closing the door behind them automatically as they walked off.


	51. Not Another Jack Party

**AN: If anyone is wondering about the point of view change: Yes, if this fic progresses long enough the POV will change again, but not for a while so Rose and Clara are equal. If anyone has a preference for the third change they can say, but be warned I don't particularly like the 11/Ponds era (just personal preference, I'm not a hater and I don't have an agenda so please nobody have a go at me) so my writing may suffer since I haven't watched those episodes about a billion times each, more like... once. Then I quit watching for S7A. So it's more between Martha and Donna for the change.**

_Not Another Jack Party_

Rose walked into the kitchen the next morning to find it romance-free. She was the first one up and she had no clue what time it was anymore, so she just pretended it was the morning and cooked breakfast for herself. Bacon and eggs, simple.

The one person she had not expected to see up so early was surprisingly the second person down.

"Have a good night then?" Rose said to Clara, who was yawning as she entered the kitchen.

"What? Oh... Oh!" she said, sounding annoyed and flustered. Rose laughed and turned the bacon rashers over. "You saw nothing!"

"_That was nothing_?!" exclaimed Rose, laughing.

"I mean... Urgh. You know what, it's private, and I'm hungry," Clara came to peer into the pan, but Rose blocked her view.

"Cook your own breakfast," she said.

"I'll make you tea if you make me breakfast," Clara bargained.

"Deal," said Rose, tossing some more rashers in the frying pan, which she could have sworn was smaller a few moments ago... "Oh my god."

"What?" asked Clara.

"We sound like... _Friends_!" she whispered as though it was a curse word. Clara played along and clutched her shoulder as though she had just been shot, pretending to faint.

"Don't let husband-y see you fainting, he'll think it's real," said Rose.

"He's not an idiot," said Clara. Rose gave her a look. "Alright! He is sometimes! And I don't call him 'husband-y'."

"Where is he? Normally he follows you round like a lost puppy."

"I've noticed."

"So? Where is he?"

"Sleeping."

"But he's a Time Lord. You must have really tired him out last night," Rose couldn't help making the joke. Clara gasped, offended.

"I did nothing of the sort!" she said, "there was another Jack party. Men only, apparently. At least that's what I think he said when I asked. He might have just been sleep talking."

"Sounds suspicious," mused Rose, plating up the bacon and cracking two eggs.

"Very."

"What's suspicious?" asked Martha, joining them.

"The secret men-only Jack party," said Rose and Clara together.

"Ohhh... So that's why Mickey's hungover," she said.

"Mmm," said Rose and Clara in agreement.

"Look at you two, best of friends," said Martha mischeivously, knowing full-well it would annoy them.

"No, that's not true," Rose disputed.

"Yeah, we hate eachother."

"A lot."

"Yep."

"So... Why are you making her tea? And why are _you_ making her breakfast?" Martha asked.

"Well... I don't... We're... Erm..." they both said variations of this sentence in mumbles.

"Thought so. Hurry up then, so I can cook my own food," said Martha after winning their argument. Rose sighed, but she was finished anyway, putting Clara's plate on the table, and sitting at the opposite end to where she and Eleven had been 'busy' the night before.

Martha ended up making herself a cup of tea and decided to be nice and also make a rack of toast for them all, to go with her scrambled eggs.

"Foot better?" Martha asked. It took Rose a moment to realise what she was talking about.

"Oh! You mean the..? Yeah, fine now," she said through a mouthful. "Didn't even notice it this morning. You make really good toast."

"It's just toast," said Martha. But then Donna joined them in the kitchen.

"Have fun last night?" was the first thing she said, to Clara. Who prompty buried her face in her hands from embarassment.

"Blimey, you look like _you're_ the one with the hangover," Rose said. Clara scowled at her through a gap in her fingers.

"Who's got a hangover?" asked Donna, sitting down and waiting expectantly for some food to appear.

"Everyone," said Rose, Clara and Martha. "Well, all the blokes," Martha added.

"There was a Jack party. Only men," Rose elaborated.

"Where'd you get the food?" asked Donna, stealing a slice of toast from the rack in the middle of the circular table.

"Cooked it..?" said Martha, this being the obvious answer. Donna laughed shrilly.

"Me? Cook? Do I want foodpoisioning?" she said. Rose didn't laugh and merely got a forkful of eggwhites and chewed them slowly, to give her an excuse not to talk as Donna tried to get the others to cook breakfast for her.

"I can't just live off toast!" she declared angrily. Rose made sure there was always food in her mouth, she wanted no part of this argument, even if she made herself sick.

"Get the Snogbox to make you breakfast!" said Clara.

"Why do you call it that?" Martha wondered.

"Because I was flirting, it was a joke, it was funny, and now it's a habit.

"This stupid box doesn't cook," said Donna. In a bid to prove Donna wrong, however, a massive full-English breakfast - complete with sausage, bacon, eggs, toast, fried bread, hashbrowns, black pudding, ketchup, butter and mushrooms - suddeny appeared on the table in front of her. They all burst out laughing.

"You forgot the eggy bread!" Donna criticised. Two more toast racks, completely stocked up with eggy bread, appeared on the table as well. They were still laughing when Amy appeared in the doorway and went straight for the kettle.

"Morning..." she mumbled, struggling to make a cup of tea in her tired state.

"How's Rory?" asked Martha.

"I don't know, he's asleep, I couldn't wake him." There were snickers from the others. "What?"

"There was an only-male Jack party last night," Martha explained. "He's probably hungover, like everyone else."

"Even the Doctor?"

"Yep," Clara answered.

"Are you sure that's why he's so tired? Didn't wear him out, did you?" Amy quereyed, sitting down with her tea and taking a slice of eggy bread. Clara looked like she was about to throw something, and Rose readied herself in case she had to duck at any point.

"Hangover!" was all Clara managed in her defense, then she went back to eating and didn't say another word. Donna decided to try and eat some of her huge amount of food, beginning with the sausages.

"Good morning!" said River happily when she entered the room. There were muttered mumbles from half-full mouths in response to her. She caught a glimpse of Donna's plate and raised her eyebrows questioningly.

"Don't ask," said Donna.

"She had a row, with the TARDIS," Rose was the one to give the explanation. River nodded knowingly, as though this had happened to her too.

And it was then they heard a loud scream. A girl's scream. And all the girls being present apart from Jenny, it wasn't difficult to figure out who it was. They all dropped what they were doing and barged out into the corridor, which widened to fit them all in a straight line so they could all see Jenny marching in their direction, white as a ghost and seething.

"What's happened?" asked Rose, who was standing next to Clara as people parted so Jenny could get through, not wanting to be injured. She glared at Rose and Clara and made an angry sound.

"What's up with -" Martha began.

"Doll!" cut her off. Jack came round the corner next. "You gotta be the only person in the universe who doesn't _want_ to wake up next to me!" Everyone else gasped, but they were still barring Jack's path into the kitchen. "C'mon ladies, River, just lemme in."

"Am I not a lady?" asked River, aghast.

"Just a joke, between to 51st Century guys," he continued joking, "now let me in."

"No!"

"What's going on? I heard screaming?" Eleven appeared around the corner, talking in a serious voice. He perked up for a moment to say "Morning, Wifey!", and Clara waved back at him, but then he returned to seriousness.

"Jack's been harassing Jenny," Rose blurted out.

"Has he now?" said Eleven, turning to glare at Jack. "Come on, Jack. We're going to have a chat with the Tenth Doctor." Jack's pleading face when he looked back could have tricked anyone into thinking he was walking down death row. They were all back in the kitchen, however, before the shouting match started.


	52. Alien Shopping

**AN: Sorry I didn't update yesterday, I had a busy weekend and I was being lazy. Little holiday for them in the next two or three chapters, I am thinking alien shopping. There's a whole lot of flexibility with a relaxed setting like that. Also, once again, story arc suggestions are welcome (no seriously, I'm in dire need of suggestions guys). And I will be properly writing something Dalek-y soon, but not yet. I've also been distracted recently by an original story I started writing, so I apologise in advance for any sloppiness as a direct result of that.**

_Alien Shopping_

"What?" Jenny grunted. She'd been sat in the kitchen, hands on either side of her head, glowering at the table for a good five minutes. Nobody else was sat down. Rather, they were all stood around her in a circle, waiting for some explanation of what had occured.

"You know what," said Martha.

"How did you end up in Jack's bed?" Donna elaborated. She was wasting no time in trying to unearth Jenny's secret of how to snare Captain Jack Harkness.

"There was a party... I don't know, I can't really remember," she said.

"You were invited?!" everyone gasped.

"Yes..?" said Jenny, lifting her word to sound like a question.

"Well he's met his match..." said Rose offhandedly, looking the other way. A girl Jack really liked, but the first girl to apparently not like him back. _Then again, Clara and the Eleventh Doctor were the same..._, she thought. But no, they weren't quite.

"I think we need to have a chat with someone," said Donna. Everyone mumbled in agreement.

"Why would you have all been invited, anyway?" Jenny asked, "It _was_ a stag party."

"Stag party?!" they all said at once. All eyes turned to Clara. It was most likely to have been Eleven's party, after all.

"Jack didn't get to throw a party for Tentoo, so he got te next best thing," said Jenny. All eyes were on Rose now.

"It's not like I knew about it," she defended herself. "And why were you at a stag party?"

"Well... I... It's complicated," said Jenny nervously, her eyes darting about faster than if she was watching a Wimbledon final.

"Oh, I see," said Martha, "it was a date!" there were the typical teenage 'ooooh's from the others and giggles.

"No!" said Jenny, though she was refusing to look at any of them. "I need a shower." She was out of the door in seconds.

"I'm back now, Wifey!" said Eleven, coming in a few moments later, "Where shall we go today? Somewhere relaxing."

"Why don't you tell us about last night?" River suggested to him.

"I didn't even drink much!" he said, not overjoyed about River's question.

"So why're you so tired?" Donna asked, though she was looking at Clara, who did not appear at all happy with the conversation change.

"If you think _I'm _tired you should see the Tenth Doctor. But he did have quite a lot of whatever Jack had us drink," said Eleven, "And I don't think Nine will be up until this evening."

"Ha! See?" said Clara triumphantly.

"What?" said Eleven.

"Nothing!" she said quickly, covering her tracks. "So, where's relaxing?"

"We could go to a beach?" he suggested, but they all disagreed. "We could go to a spa? Actually, best not. I don't like spas. Not after Midnight." Donna nodded in agreement with him, but Rose had no clue what he was talking about. "We could go on a cruise? A safari?" Everytime he said something they disagreed.

"Shopping," said Amy. Everyone murmured proudly in response.

"Really? The whole of time and space and you want to go shopping?" he said. Clara tugged on his arm and whispered in his ear, and Rose instinctively leant closer to listen. Thankfully, it played to her benefit as well.

"They still owe us wedding presents," was what Clara said. Eleven's eyes widened with joy.

"Yes! Wonderful! Let's go shopping! Geronimo! I'll go get dressed!" he said, running off down the halls with joy.

"Why'd he change his mind? Did you bribe him?" Amy suggested.

"No, _you_ bribed him," said Clara.

"How?"

"Well, when you and Rory got married, how would it have felt if you didn't get any wedding presents?" played Clara.

"It's not nice to manipulate people!" Rose said, trying to sound shocked and disappointed in her new friend. "But on the other hand, you lot didn't get me any wedding presents, either."

"If you're just going by that I think everyone's owed wedding presents," said Martha. Everyone murmered this was true.

"But he's got his heart set on free things now," Clara said about Eleven.

"That's your problem," said Martha. Clara pouted.

Soon enough Rose had discovered just how badly hungover the Tenth Doctor was. He was in a dreadful mood, and when faced with the knowledge they were going shopping he only worsened. At least he was awake though, unlike Nine. Nothing any of them tried would stir him from his slumber, and they resolved to leave him behind.

"Here we are, the Kosos Cluster. Only one inhabitable planet here, and the whole thing is a shopping centre," said Eleven, "You'd need days to explore this place. Weeks. Months. Perhaps years."

"And how long exactly are we staying?" Rose asked him.

"Half an hour," said Ten grumpily. Rose gave him a puppy-look, the exact same one she'd given him when they first travelled to the parallel world. "An hour... Two hours... Four hours... Alright, a day!" he gave in. Rose smiled. "But that's it."

"Well, I've brought her down in the toy section," said Eleven. Everyone groaned.

"You and toys..." muttered Amy, but he ignored them.

"So you can go where you want from there, but only after I get you some credits," he said, "otherwise you'll just be window shopping." They stepped out of the TARDIS as a huge group of twelve (Nine was still asleep, Mickey and Rory were present but barely functioning and needing to be lead around by their wives) and Rose stared around in awe.

It was huge. They were on the very top floor of at least twenty, with a vast and petrifying view below. There was a fountain that reached the fifth floor, but the water spurting out was peaking at Rose's eye level, it must have been roughly forty foot tall. Shops were everywhere and there were more and more corridors, spreading the huge complex across the whole planet. Gadgets and gizmos whirred and flew about then and the other patrons of the toy section, and Rose could hardly believe this was just that. It was ginormous.

"What else is here?" Clara asked Eleven in awe.

"Well, the biggest section's gotta be the actual supermarket, then there's the foot country - delicacies from every planet in the Fifth Empire. There's also a lot of apartments for the staff, they take up about a quarter of the planet. There's a hospital, estate agents, brewery, religious buildings. Then there's the sections of the actual Kosomark. You've got clothes, kids, furniature, computers, decorations -"

"We get the picture, Sweetie," River said to him as she drifted off towards one of what Rose presumed were cash machines and drew her own edited and mis-matched sonic screwdriver. Eleven stopped speaking, but only to look at Clara's amazed face. Rose dragged Ten off to give them some privacy, if they needed it.

"How much money is a lot here?" she asked him. He scratched the back of his head.

"Hard to say... I'd guess a pound is worth about three credits, so... How does unlimited sound for you?"

"_Unlimited cash_?!" she exclaimed very loudly. People turned to stare.

"Stop being daft, nobody can have unlimited cash. Keep your dreams from reality, Rose," Ten said loudly, addressing the comuters. "Yes, unlimited. Is that a problem?" he whispered.

"No... Not at all..." she said, dumbfounded.

"Good!" he gave her a long metal card-like object, almost identical to the currency used in 200000. Rose hoped nobody was stupid enough to get a door implanted in their head, like Adam was.


	53. Frenemies

**AN: Thanks to everyone who gave suggestions, I'm working on incorporating them into later adventures. Still no ending for this fic in sight, which is a good thing. There are however, still some unexplained half-plot holes. They'll be fixed though, it's back to Earth for a bit after their shopping trip.**

_Frenemies_

Within three minutes, there had been rows about where to go. Ten tried to insist they stay as one big group, but when everyone decided to go to a different section first he was overruled and they split off into smaller groups, none bigger than three, but Rose hadn't been paying attention. All she knew was she'd ended up stuck with Clara. And Jenny. Through one way or another, Ten and Eleven had decided to split off, taking Jack with them and heading to the bottom floor. Rose and Clara were doing their best to ignore Jenny, but it was proving tedious.

"You can't fool me, I'm a Time Lady. I know you're not friends, you were gonna split up as soon as you were out of my sight," she said.

"Jenny, go get some sleep," said Rose.

"Sleep? I'm a Time Lady, I don't need sleep," she said, "I already slept anyway."

"Did you? Going by what Jack's been saying, you sleeping isn't at all what happened," Rose said, and for a moment she thought the Doctor's daughter was going to give her a faceful of fist. She was wrong. She got a faceful of palm. Jenny had slapped her, and her face was stinging.

"Deserved that," said Jenny. Rose raised her arm to punch, not caring that Ten might be a tiny bit annoyed if she clobbered his daughter, but something was stopping her.

"Don't hit her!" said Clara, pulling Rose's arm back.

"Why?!" Rose demanded, fighting against Clara, who was definitely the weaker of the two of them, needing two hands to restrain just one of Rose's as Jenny on looked, smirking vengefully.

"She's not worth it," said Clara.

"You're just scared to hit a girl," Jenny said. Rose and Clara both stopped and squinted at her.

"Are you drunk?" Rose asked. Jenny definitely looked out-of-it, and more than a little clammy. And she didn't appear too hungover, unlike her father, who had been complaining of a headache all morning.

"No, how can I be drunk? I've slept, Rose," said Jenny.

"Sleeping doesn't cure drunkness," said Rose.

"I am _not_ in the least bit drunk," said Jenny, finger wagging. She wasn't slurring, but she turned around and almost collapsed into a bin, which got a lot of funny looks cast in their direction.

"Oh my stars you are!" said Clara. "What if we get kicked out?"

"Why would we get kicked out? We're not rummaging through a bin," said Rose, nodding at Jenny, whose head and arms were all deep in the nethers of the space bin.

"Maybe it's illegal or something. They've probably got a reputation to keep up," said Clara, eyeing someone nearing them who looked suspiciously like security. Just as they were concocting a cover for their drunk friend, the man mooched over and flashed a fancy silver badge.

"Mall security," he said.

"'Mall'? Where are you from, America?" Clara asked.

"Yep, and where might you be from? I don't know that accent," he said. He sounded Texan, but if Texan was still Texan a few hundred thousand years in the future, Rose didn't know.

"I'm from... Hoth..." she said meekly.

"Hoth? Never heard of it."

"Really? It's very icy. There was a battle there, too... Against the Empire," she said. Rose was highly confused.

"Which Empire?"

"The... Imperial... Empire..?" she said. Rose realised what she was talking about and stomped on her foot.

"Are you making this up?"

"No! It was a battle in some wars... in the stars..."

"'Star Wars'? That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard. You look lost. Want a guided tour?" he said. Rose stepped away, the guy (whoever he was) was getting way too close to Clara, Rose knew if Eleven was here a storm would be kicking up about now.

"Her husband works here, he's just downstairs with his brother now. He already showed us around this area. We were just taking Jenny here back to them," Rose said coldly, motioning to Jenny, who had knocked the bin over so it's contents scattered all over the floor.

"Really? Well you and... Jenny... go on ahead. I'll stay here with Hoth Girl, show here some of the best spots on this floor," he reached for Clara's arm, but Clara managed to step back, feign a slip, and kick him sharply in an unmentionable place. They grabbed one of Jenny's arms each as the guy swore and buckled behind them, running off to find an elevator.

"Don't touch me... Frenemies..." said Jenny like she had just thought of some genius insult. Why had nobody else noticed she was still completely smashed and could hardly walk straight? Rose was glad they hadn't strayed too far from the TARDIS, and that she had a key.

* * *

"Well, whaddaya know. There's a non-human slimeball everywhere you go nowadays," said Rose as they entered the food country, so aptly named because it was probably as big as a country with high speed platforms whizzing about to your chosen restaurant. There were hundreds of them, and the closest one without anyone there was at least a five minute walk, and there were already others headed that way. This was just one small hall, the actual food places weren't even in this room.

"It's gonna be ages until we get some food," said Clara.

"Not with this," Rose waved the battered leather wallet she'd swiped from Ten's pocket, opening it to reveal a blank piece of paper, psychic paper. "We're undercover maintenence."

"Excuse me, we're going to have to commandeer this pod-thingy," said Clara to the couple at the front of the longest (and closest) line. They were both stood straight as sticks with expressionless faces, addressing the man curtly despite his rude attitude which they were about to discover.

"Why? You're lying, you're just queue-bargers," said the bloke angrily.

"No. We're maintenance," said Rose, flashing the paper at him.

"Ah, maintenance."

"Spot inspection," said Clara.

"Yep, I've heard about these. Take the Whooshform," he stepped back and allowed them onto the floaty thing, which was apparently a 'Whooshform'. It sounded like a brand, then Rose realised it _was_ a brand, a logo stamped on the glass below their feet proved that. The logo had the product name splashed in a spectrum of colours in a comet's tail, and in the tiny comet itself was TM, the symbol that it was a trademark brand. Some things never changed.

"Right... How do we work these?" Rose whispered to Clara, they were both staring blankly at the selection, which was all garbled, spacey words.

"Planets? Systems?" Clara suggested.

"I don't know any of them," Rose whispered, trying to look official, like she were examining something.

"Look, there's one of those 'I'm feeling lucky' buttons you get on google searches," Clara pointed out. Before Rose really knew what was happening the button had been tapped on the strange, holographic touch-screen. It was very futuristic, but somehow Rose found it hard to focus on that as she tried not to scream since they were zipping through the air at a thousand miles an hour. It reminded Rose fondly of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which Ten had made her watch at Christmas after she had inquired about what he meant when he said 'very Arthur Dent', regarding saving the world in pyjamas.

They stopped outside a restaurant. That was all Rose knew. There were chairs and tables and everything was blue and seemingly themed around the sea, but the name wasn't even in English. It took the translation matrix a moment to decipher it. They stepped off the Whooshform, and it shot away again, pulled along by stiff, horizontal cables.

"Fruits of the Sea?" Rose stated the name of the place. Clara seemed to be paying more attention to the decor rather than the name though, but glanced up when Rose read it out.

"That's what they call seafood in France," Clara said, frowning. "Doesn't look French to me."

"Well whatever. It could take a millenia to find a decent place in here, let's just order what we understand." They agreed this was the best option and went inside and found menus, in the same paper-in-plastic displays above the counter you got in McDonald's. Was it a chain store? The person behind the desk looked human enough, at least.


	54. Clara's Choice

**AN: Yeah, I know my updates aren't quite as daily as I'd hope anymore. They're getting sparse. But I haven't stopped writing, not at all. I've just been distracted catching up with the Percy Jackson books. So if I miss a day, nothing's wrong, I'm just being lazy. I'm a very lazy person, apologies. Anyhoo, double update. Next chapter will be up shortly (sorry it's late for other Britains, I don't know what time it is anywhere else though).**

_Clara's Choice_

Rose didn't know what sort of fish she was eating or where it came from, since she'd only had cod before. And once she had some battered squid rings in a less than memorable trip to Brighton. Her only ever trip to the seaside, before she met the Doctor. Then she seemed to spend an awful lot of time on Bad Wolf Bay and its craggy shoreline.

She ate it anyway, whatever it was. It didn't taste of much, and it wasn't very filling, and there wasn't much there. She could have gone on listing the faults of the frankly pathetic meal she was faced with, but she made the fatal error of looking up. And seeing... What was she seeing?

"What is it?" Clara asked her. Clara was not facing the window, and she could not see what Rose saw, and what Rose saw appeared to be a high speed chase on the Whooshforms. Clara followed Rose's gaze as she gawped. "No way!"

"Is that the Ponds?" Rose almost choked on her practically intangiable fish-thing (an impossible feat, even by her standards), seeing Amy, Rory and River at the front of the chase.

"I think so," said Clara.

"Typical," said a bloke sat on the other side of the small venue, "Always causing trouble, that lot."

"Who's 'that lot'?" Clara asked him.

"Women," he grunted in response. Clara was instantly a tenfold more offended by him than Rose was, standing up and looking like she wanted to hit something - probably him. Rose took her friend's anger as an opportunity to escape the vile food.

"Come on, let's just leave it."

"Aye," he sounded Scottish, "go run off to yer husbands and go shoppin'!" _What a rubbish insult_, Rose thought to herself. But she and Clara had left at exactly the wrong time, for the trio on the Whooshforms had just noticed them. Amy decided it was a good idea to wave at them.

"Hi, Clara! Hi, Rose!" she shouted. Rose did nothing but raise her hand in a lazy attempt at a wave and nod, a shocked smile on her face. To their even greater annoyance, they stopped their Whooshform right outside Fruits of the Sea. "I'm hungry, is the food any good in there?"

"No," Rose said truthfully. She'd thought about lying so they got a tasteless meal, but that would be stupid.

"Rose just didn't like _her_ food. I loved mine, go right in. We've been trying a bunch of the seafood places and this is definitely the best by far. Authentic French cuisine," Clara said.

"I'm going now, so the security don't think we're helping you comit whatever crime you comitted," Rose said. The Ponds all went into the restaurant and Rose and Clara bolted, looking for the nearest empty Whooshform or lift to another part of the building. "What did you do?!" she asked Clara once they were away.

"I lied so they got a tasteless meal," she answered. Rose didn't see the point in arguing, so she just shook her head and flashed the psychic paper at the lift queue so they could get away quickly. Thankfully, the lift was closed off so they could figure out how it worked without scrutiny.

"Right, what department?" Rose asked. She didn't even bother trying to read all the names, but she didn't dare hit the lucky dip again, lest they be faced by something even worse than the manky fish food.

"Toys?" Clara suggested first. Rose gave her a look. "What?"

"Missing him already, eh?" she said.

"No. It's been about an hour. And more than that, he's only actually been my husband for five days," said Clara. It took a moment for that to sink in. If their Vegas fiasco had only been five days ago, she'd only been back with Ten for a week.

"Travelling with the Doctor's really exhausting..." said Rose nostalgically.

"Yep," Clara agreed, they both wore the same glazed expression, recounting many adventures in their minds'. Rose snapped out of it soon enough though.

"How about gadgets?" Before Clara could protest, Rose had tapped the screen. They bolted away like a rocket, and Rose was reminded strongly of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the glass elevator that went vertically and horizontally at 200 miles per hour. It wasn't a pleasant experience, that was for sure.

In the gadgets section of the planet, Rose had no clue what half of the devices they came across did. Some of them bleeped tunes and then displayed some strange colour image, projected in front of them (they had a distinctive logo on them, and the logo was placed on a store front full of the strange, three legged things that almost looked like real creatures). But then there were tiny pods that were inserted into various... _orfices_, to be polite. There was one to alter volume levels outside your ears, another to tell you what smells were what as you explored new places, a tiny pod that was pushed in next to your eye that was like a tour guide for wherever you were.

It wasn't long before they left there, even though Rose thought sticking those robotic ear plugs in Jenny's ears and turning everything to mute would be a good vengeance plan for her public display earlier. Clara disputed this though.

"You're right. We should have lied to her and brought some tasteless fish back in a doggy bag," Rose had snapped. She'd thought muting Jenny was a good idea. She even tried to revive her plan upon seeing pills you swallow to stop you speaking for a certain length of time, though why anyone would buy those for themself Rose didn't know.

It was Clara's turn then, and next on the agenda was jewellery. Rose admitted, she hadn't been too thrilled about that, but they'd had some awfully pretty bracelets in the shop windows. With her unlimited credits, she finally caved and bought some presents for Jackie. Why shouldn't she? Insanely valuable jewellery, and she could afford the lot thanks to the Doctor. She did owe her mother and apology for whizzing off like that, after all.

But when Rose had been rearranging the contents of her bag and not paying attention as she left the shop, she walked smack into Clara, who was fixated on something.

"You can't just stop in doorways!" she protested, but Clara wasn't listening. Rose gave in and looked where Clara was looking, at some big device thing that sorta looked like a printer but obviously wasn't. "What is it?"

"It removes solot rings," she said, sparing a glance for her hand, which was raised in front of her.

"So?" Rose asked, ignoring the light flecked off the shiny, five day old wedding ring. "Just come on." She tried to pull Clara, but she wouldn't budge. Rose sighed. "What? You can get a new one cut if it's the wrong size or-"

"It's the right size," she said, shakily.

"No!" said Rose, finally realising what Clara was thinking of doing. Cut off the ring?! That would crush Eleven, he'd never be the same if Clara did that. And for no reason, too. On a spur-of-the-moment thing, completely impulsive. Plus, they weren't having any problems. They were getting along fine, more than fine! Perfect! Rose wasn't going to let Clara throw all that away. "You can't remove the ring!"

"Why? Why can't I?" she said. She was talking rubbish, and she knew it.

"Because you and the Eleventh Doctor, you're meant to be!" Rose argued. She suddenly appeared to care a lot for the relationship of her quarter-husband and Clara, which she found odd. But she hadn't really had a proper friend since meeting the Doctor. She had him, and there was Jack and Mickey on occassion. Her mother was one of her best friends, though they disgreed a lot. She didn't want Clara doing anything stupid.

"You sound like it's written in the stars," said Clara.

"He would write it in the stars if you asked," Rose said.

"But he wouldn't say it," said Clara grimly. Rose was still trying to steer her away from the solot ring cutter, but it was fruitless.

"Say what?"

"Say he loves me," she said. The conversation had gotten too deep too fast, and it hit Rose like a punch in the face.

"Well... Have _you _said it?" she asked, trying to play coucellor.

"No," said Clara, but she seemed to snap out of her strange trance-like state.

"Then stop bloody complaining! Come on, let's go to the mobile section and see if there's anything there we can understand," Rose succeeded in dragging Clara away.


	55. This Is Worse Than The Blitz!

**AN: As promised, the fabled double update. Also, I don't want any Whoufflepuffs worry, they will be fine. I guess I've ruined some suspense there, but I don't want any shippers to be stressing. I'm just trying to make Clara and Rose a more canon brotp, by letting Rose help with Clara's minor relationship problems. You'll see. Just a warning.**

_This Is Worse Than The Blitz!_

As it went, they didn't find a simple mobile in the vast communications section. And that lead them to the actual supermarket bit. When the Doctor had told them 'supermarket', Rose assumed a big building with aisles and freezers and irritating self check-outs was what he was talking about, but it was literally a market, with vendors and stalls. Going row upon row, and column upon column. Because they were all floating. You needed a Whooshform to navigate, only these ones were a different type. The Whooshform Mark 3 (Rose didn't know what the Mark 2 was), and it required steering.

"Do you think you need a licence?" Clara asked Rose. Rose frowned.

"I don't know," she said. They stood away in the shadows and observed as people expertly navigated the Whooshforms around, but they weren't a communal thing like lifts. You got one for yourself and whoever else, but the queues were huge. "Let's just bring out the old psychic paper again."

Five minutes later they were spinning 360° around on the thing, it went upside down so quickly Rose barely had a chance to register what was happening, get her head level, and they they spun again. She'd given up trying not to scream with fright. So had Clara.

"Is there an autopiolet on this thing?!" Clara yelled, but Rose was too busy clinging for her life to answer. It was then that they heard the unmistakable sound of a sonic device. They stopped spinning, and they both toppled out, because it had stopped upside down. Rose dared look down. The distance was almost twice that of hanging from a zeppelin, and her hands were slipping from the bars already.

"Uh-oh... Er, hang on," said a voice coming out of some speakers somewhere. Rose would recognise the American accent of Jack Harkness any day.

"HURRY UP A BIT, WILL YOU?!" Rose screamed at him.

"Easy, I'm not the one with the sonic, Husbandy is," Jack said. Rose had no time to make a quip, she settled for a _told you so_ grin at Clara, who was bright red, but whether that was from embarassment or effort Rose didn't know. She heard Eleven's voice and some scrapes, apparently there was a scuffle over Jack's vortex manipulator.

"STOP FIGHTING!" Clara yelled. Rose glanced around. Everyone was staring at them. She supposed this wasn't the usual thing that happened when 'maintenence' took control of a Whooshform. Some kids were pointing and laughing.

"Just... performance artists!" Rose made up a story.

"Get outta the damn road, ya hippies," somebody shouted back at them.

"Oi! We're not hippies!" Clara shouted back. Ten's voice came over the manipulator.

"Sorry about that scuffle," he said, "now, you're gonna fall in a minute. Hold tight."

"FALL?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE GONNA -" But Rose couldn't talk and scream at the same time as they began to plummet. Then they stopped.

"Sorry! Are you okay?" he asked tentatively.

"Oh, yeah! We're both _fine_! Just hanging around!" she punned angrily, kicking her feet as though somehow this would help.

"I was just taking control. The other Doctor's a little tied up right now," Ten said. Rose heard a row flaring in the background noise of the transmission, which she presumed was om-comm, unless they were up to no good in a control room somewhere. They started moving then, going up a few 'floors' of stalls until they ended up at some vending machines that had a platform in front of them. Ten was standing there with the vortex manipulator in one hand, his screwdriver in the other.

"Jump off," he said when they were hovering above the air pontoon. They did, and Ten flipped the Whooshform back over so it was the right way and docked it. Eleven and Jack were fighting about something. Clara went to stop them.

"So what've you been up to?" Rose asked Ten.

"Trying to get Husbandy over there out of the toy section," Ten said. "That's about it. You?" Rose explained about drunked Jenny - now locked in the TARDIS, the creepy security guy, the tasteless fish, the Ponds and their police pursuit, her presents for Jackie, Clara's conflict about her solot ring (she would not have told him this if Clara were paying the slightest bit of attention, but Eleven and Jack were still acting up), her prank ideas that Clara had shot down and finally she caught him up to speed with their recent mishap on the Whooshform Mark 2.

"Just the usual then?" he asked, grinning crookedly. Rose grinnned back.

"Yep." Clara's shouting reached them. It might have been to do with Jenny, Rose wasn't really listening. It was all just noise. It didn't stop her yelling at them to shut up though. They did, which was a relief. But then Eleven went to take his wife's hand and Clara moved it away. It looked accidental, but Rose knew better. There was a wedge between the usually too lovey-dovey couple, and Rose felt a sense of responsibility for them. She'd have words later, maybe with the other half.

"Where to next?" he said.

"Anywhere we don't have to use those stupid things," said Rose, glaring at the Whooshform Mark 2. It was quickly becoming one of her pet hates.

"Well... Er..." Ten glanced around. They were stranded on the pontoon. "I know how to fly them..?" he said. She sighed.

"Alright, fine. Let's just stay here for a bit," she said. They all fit easily onto the Whooshform, which was thankfully quite large, and Ten gave a running commentary as they flew, Clara on the opposite side to Eleven, who seemed to be permanantly confused.

"I saw someone selling Krilotane oil earlier. Imagine that! I asked where they got it, but they didn't seem happy I knew what it was. It was labelled 'clever juice'," he said. "Looked pretty shady. Saw some Slitheen - god knows what they were trying to sell, I didn't stop to ask. Definitely saw some poor scrap dealer selling dalekanium. Told him to get rid of it, course. Can't have people running round with that sort of metal. There was a stall down here selling some good things though." They stopped outside a bright yellow stall. Rose couldn't tell if the paint on it was yellow, or if it was just the bananas that covered every inch of it.

"Bananas? Isn't there some more exotic fruit?" Rose asked.

"Rose Tyler, I'll have you know Bananas have been votes best fruit in the universe for the past 20 years."

"Why?" asked Rose. She wasn't too fond of bananas. They weren't her favourite fruit. But she darden't tell the Doctor that, he might cry.

"I love bananas! Bananas are good," he said with a toothy smile, but all Rose glimpsed for a brief moment was his younger self saying the exact same thing to her during World War Two when they'd been corned by Chula zombies. He didn't notice his quoting had made her uneasy, and merely started buying the yellow fruits.


	56. Rose Becomes A Councillor

_Rose Becomes A Councillor_

They arrived back at the TARDIS hours later. Ten was in a good mood because he'd had some bananas. Rose thought his obsession was a little odd, but she didn't bother to question him. She'd learnt a long time ago asking the Doctor about things like that didn't get you anywhere. He'd normally just frown. Rose was in a good mood because she'd bought a tub of 'clever juice', and she was now debating whose drink to slip it in. Possibly Mickey's. She also couldn't wait to call her mother and tell her she had presents for whenever she got home - it would put Jackie's mind at rest about whether or not she was coming home again at any rate.

Clara and Eleven, however, were a completely different story. It was a private matter, so neither of them mentioned anything in public, but the ice wedge between them had grown so much in just hours (Rose could hardly believe how quickly their relationship could change) that now even Ten noticed, and Jack had even stopped flirting. Well, he'd stopped flirting with Clara. Eleven had become silent and agitated and Clara hadn't even looked at him. A talk was definitely in order.

Ten opened the door, and was knocked to the ground by the force of some sort of creature.

"I HATE YOU ROSE TYLER!" it yelled. Rose noticed it was blonde. She ducked Jenny's punch just in time for Ten to step between them, fire in his eyes as he glowed at his daughter.

"Go inside," he said in his I'm-The-Last-Of-The-Time-Lords voice.

"But dad -"

"No arguments. Go to your room." Rose got another flicked in her head of Nine in 1941. She glanced at Jack, who was frowning as if he'd start to notice too. They met eyes, and he shrugged. Jenny obeyed her father finally.

"Are you alright?" he became tender, leaning down to Rose's eye level. Jack pushed the angry couple inside and away from Ten and Rose. She'd have to thank him later.

"Fine, she missed, the little -" he raised his eyebrow, and she stopped her sentence. Just because Jenny _was_ being a cow, doesn't mean Ten wanted to hear it. "Anyway. Let's go inside." They took eachother's hands and went into the TARDIS. Jack was grinning to himself. Eleven was stood on the other side of the console giving his wife strange looks as she disappeared into the kitchen. Nine was up now, and he didn't look too moody about being left out of their shopping trip, he even looked glad. Rory and River had returned, Rose wondered where Amy had got to. Mickey, Martha and Donna were still not back.

"Wonder where they are..." Ten mused.

"If somebody hadn't destroyed our phones we could call them," said Rose.

"What? Who destroyed your phones?" Ten asked.

"You did, sweetie," River answered. Ten didn't look pleased about his future self's wife calling him 'sweetie', but didn't bother picking her up on it.

"The TARDIS can make you new phones," he said.

"Speaking of phones," Rose grabbed the big inter-dimensional phone from the console where it had been, "I have some calls to make." She took her bags and went into the kitchen, where she found Clara and Amy, slurping tea. Rose set her bags on the end of the table, made her own cup, and then sat across from Clara.

"What?" Clara asked when Rose didn't stop watching her. She'd put herself in such a bad mood, a moment later she said "You know what? I don't care what you have to say. I'm going to the toilet." And she got up and left, leaving Amy frowning and taking her tea with her, which was strange. Who took their tea into the toilet?

"Right, what's going on?" she asked. Rose sighed, and explained all about the episode with the solot rings and Eleven(and Clara)'s non-existent declaration of love, and finally about the wall being built between them.

"They're just a couple of kids," said Amy. Rose sighed in agreement and sipped some more tea.

"I think someone needs to have words with them," said Rose, looking helpfully at Amy.

"I'm not talking to him," she said. Rose pouted.

"Why?"

"He won't listen to me," she said. Rose frowned. "No, he really won't. If I point out a problem he'll think it's minor. If _you_ point out a problem he'll think it must be pretty big."

"You sure you're not just lazy? Leaving all the work to me?" Rose said.

"Of course I'm lazy. And it's you who wants to help them. They can sort out their own problems," she said. Rose gave up, and coaxed Amy into telling her what happened with the police. She stopped paying attention part way through as Amy garbled something about space cheese and an umbrella. Clara still hadn't returned, and Rose was getting suspicious.

But then it was time for dinner, and Rose wanted anything except fish and bananas. Donna, Mickey and Martha had arrived back, but not come into the kitchen for now they were filing in. Rose had to move her shopping bags as Ten came to sit next to her.

"Here you go," he said, beaming and handing her an identical copy of her old mobile. "New phone. _And_ it makes transdimensional calls!" She couldn't help smiling back at him for going the extra mile. "Normal new phones for everyone else." He put a handful of phones on the table.

"I'll take Clara's for her," said Eleven, upon seeing his wife had not showed up. He snatched the last phone on the table and stalked off.

"I'd better put these bags away," said Rose quickly, grabbing her chance to talk to Eleven and also grabbing her space carrier bags (which were made of a soft yet elastic material). She followed him out and the kitchen door slid shut behind her.

"Oi! You!" she shouted at Eleven. He turned.

"What?" he asked. She caught up with him and plonked her bags down on the floor. "Is this about Clara?"

"Yep."

"Do you know why she's upset?" he asked seriously, leaning down so they were almost at eye level, though he was still taller. Rose glimpsed the sadness and confusion in his eyes.

"Err, sort of," she said. The she paused. It wasn't really her business what was going on between them.

"Well?"

"I'd better talk to Clara first..." she decided. He sighed. "Wait here." Rose took the phone from him when his guard was down.

"Hey!" he protested.

"Stay!" she ordered, pointing at him. He pouted, but did remain where he was. Rose approached Clara and Eleven's bedroom and knocked on the door.

"Go away," Clara said, "You're the last person I want to see."

"What have I done?!" Rose demanded. So she was the enemy again now? These two changed their minds more often than Cassandra O'Brian.

"Sorry! I thought you were... nevermind..." Rose pushed open the door.

"Husbandy's not here," she said, tossing Clara the phone. Rose got a proper look around the shared room for the first time, and noticed everything was circular and everything was gold. Well, the walls weren't gold, they were dark gray. And the ceiling had a space scene painted on it.

"It's Gallifrey," Clara answered, seeing Rose looking up. Even the lightbulbs on the walls were golden. "There's the twin suns, it's in the middle. That means it's winter in the picture." Rose saw the orangeish blot that she assumed must be the Doctor's home planet. He'd never spoken to her about it, she'd never really asked. She knew what had happened, and if that had happened to Earth she wouldn't want to talk about it, so she let him brood.

"The Trancha Nebula is over there," she pointed to a place in the top right of the circular ceiling. It looked like a small, glittery, purple cloud.

"We were so close," Rose said.

"It's Time Locked. You can't even see where it was. It's just a big black space."

"He's shown you?" Rose asked.

"No. I used to be a Time Lady, remember? I just know about Time Locks," Clara answered. "What did you want? You didn't come here just to give me the phone."

"Be glad I cut Husbandy off, he was gonna bring it. Imagine if it had been him and you'd greeted him like that, you'd've broken his heart," Rose said.

"Yeah... Well..." Clara replied blandly.

"I know what you need," said Rose, clicking her fingers as she got an idea. "A honeymoon."

"A hon - _No_. You've got to be kidding," said Clara. "You'll have to get me drunk first." Rose raised her eyebrows.

"I'm sure Jack'll have loads of fun getting you drunk again," she said. Clara was expressionless. "Come on, it'll be fun. Pick somewhere to go! Anywhere!"

"Nowhere!" said Clara.

"The Void? I think it's hard to get into the Void," Rose said, playing dumb so Clara couldn't win the argument.

"I'm not going on a honeymoon!" she said.

"Of course you are!" Rose pulled open the door and grabbed Clara's arm, taking her by enough surprise to pull her through the halls.

"Let me go! This isn't funny!" she said, but Rose ignored her. "Here, you," she said to Eleven, Rose looked back to see Clara had started pulling him along too, but he was walking so there thankfully wasn't the extra weight of a Time Lord for Rose to drag.

"Great news!" Rose declared as she entered the room, "These two are going on a honeymoon!" As predicted, everyone either laughed or cheered. "Can't back out now."

**AN: Alright I know I said they were **_**finally**_** going back to resolve the Slitheen issues, but I thought this was a more important issue currently since they'd be meeting Clara's father in that story arc, and they can't meet her father without first declaring their true and undying love to eachother, can they?**


	57. Throwing In The Towel

**AN: The whouffle-honeymoon was a fan suggestion, from NoLongerAGuest (look I did a shoutout I haven't done before), also shoutout to Erza In TARDIS who was the person who came up with the cyberman/dinosaurs plot arc earlier :) (Also, I don't remember if I updated yesterday. Can someone remind me the last time I did so I can do a double update if nessescary?)**

_Throwing In The Towel_

Rose succeeded. The next day they were headed off to somewhere hopefully amazing and so annoyingly romantic Clara and Eleven couldn't help but go back to how they were five chapt - err, two days ago. But it had been on one condition: they were to be given absolute privacy. So of course, this happened:

_Rose managed to corner Jack (he made a lot of dirty jokes, which she ignored. Well, most of them she ignored)._

_"You know, I'm not sure I know the meaning of 'absolute privacy'," she said. He caught on instantly. That's what she liked about Jack, he was fast. And handsome. And American. And clever. But that was enough thinking about Jack._

_"I think it means something like cameras, earpieces, pay-offs, secrets and espionage," he said thoughtfully._

_"I was thinking the same... So, wanna play Cupid?" she asked him._

_"I thought you'd never ask."_

_And that was that. Clara and Eleven would be given Rose and Jack's definition of 'absolute privacy', which involved walkie-talkies._

So, for three days, everybody else was confined to the TARDIS. Which was fine, because they weren't short on things to do in the spaceship.

They bode farewell to Eleven and Clara on some tropical paradise planet. Rose wasn't too keen on it, but they'd chosen it. After Jack had threatened to choose the destination and they didn't want to be stuck in 24 hour alien clubs. Still, it was a start to getting them back on track. Rose was glad Jack was on board at any rate, he was probably the best person to ask for help in these matters. Him or Clara or River, but since Clara was part of the problem and River was Eleven's ex-wife, she didn't think they'd be helping any time soon. Jack was... (she tried to guesstimate his age, but it didn't work) Well, Jack was old. And Jack, unlike the Doctor, could tell when people had feelings for eachother, and had probably had experience trying to fix these marital issues.

"So, why have they fallen out exactly?" Jack asked Rose, since he didn't quite know the whole story. The TARDIS had produced a pool in one of its rooms. It was midday on their arrival on the tropical planet. Rose and Jack would have to do some sleuthing to find out where the couple were staying later, but she supposed she'd give them a day free. Maybe. At the moment, they were sat at the un manned tiki bar on the side. Rose wasn't too fussed about the pool, and was just lounging about really. At least it was danger free in the TARDIS. Most of the time. Jack himself was wearing a tiny pair of speedos Rose had kept trying not to look at. She was sat opposite him and the table masked them from view (thank god), but over his shoulder she saw the women, all of whom were married (Jenny wasn't present) sparing glances at him every now and again. Rose was drinking a fruit smoothie, and she didn't want to know how much alcohol was in whatever Jack was drinking.

"Because neither of them has said 'I love you'," she told him simply.

"Well I can't understand why they wouldn't want to tell eachother they love me," he joked. Rose rolled her eyes. At least Ten wasn't here, he was still lecturing Jenny about drinking. She doubted he'd approve of their Cupid plan.

"You know what I mean," she said. "So we were walking past this jewellers, and there was a machine in there that could cut solot rings."

"Ah," said Jack.

"Let's just say I won the argument with difficulty," she replied, slurping her smoothie.

"So what we need is a plan of action," he said. "We have to become employees at their hotel. Find out what room they're in, give them on the house stuff. Promote them to a honeymoon suite if they're not in one already. Hell, book out the pool just for them. Complementary buffets, everything free."

"You can hack, right?"

"Well, I'm no Clara, but yeah. I come pretty close," he said, leaning back in his speedos. Behind him, a beach ball thrown by Rory hit Amy in the face as she was momentarily distracted by Jack stretching. Martha and Donna were looking interested (to Mickey's annoyance), too. Rose got a feeling Jack had eyes in the back of his head and he could see them.

"Sounds like a plan." They chinked their drinks together in agreement.

* * *

It was eight in the evening. Finally, Jack and Rose had seized an opportunity to sneak out unnoticed. Currently, Jack was keeping watch (he had his own sonic blaster, some stolen psychic paper and Jenny's screwdriver - also stolen - in his pockets) as Rose searched through a store cupboard for hotel uniforms.

"None," she said, "It's just towels. All of it, towels. Of about twenty different sizes."

"Rich people," Jack sighed, shaking his head. "Are we maintenance?"

"Yep. Undercover maintenance."

"Or we could pretend to be together?" Rose suggested.

"Rose, you're making my heart flutter," he said sarcastically. She laughed. "Wouldn't work, we can't get computer access. We could be kicked out for being nosy guests."

"Damn," said Rose. "If only we had disguises."

"Your black wig wouldn't fool these guys," Jack said. Rose ignored him. Just then there were voices on their deserted hotel corridor. Voices Rose recognised. She and Jack reacted quickly, and it was thankfully quite a roomy storage cupboard that didn't require her to be guiltily close to Jack. Just because her husband wasn't there didn't mean she wasn't marrried.

"Wifey, just tell me what's wrong!" Eleven whinged.

"God he sounds like a brat sometimes," Rose whispered. Jack sniggered.

"Nothing's wrong. Why would anything, possibly, be wrong? I'm perfectly fine. You don't have to trail after me everywhere, you know, Doctor," said Clara in a freezing, razor sharp voice, "I'm just getting towels." In the darkness, Rose and Jack exchanged fearful looks and hastily started trying to bury themselves in the vast quantities of fabric..

"You called me Doctor," he said in a hurt voice. Clara reached for the handle, but something stopped her.

"Of course I did, that's your name. Let go of my hand," she ordered. The door handle didn't turn, so Rose presumed he'd bought them even more time and refused to let her go.

"You haven't called me that for ages. It's just Chin normally," he said. Clara scoffed and finally freed her hand, opening the door. It was only when Clara gasped that Rose realised the awkward position she and Jack were in. Their faces completely hidden by stacks of towels as they tried to cram into the corner, but their legs out in view.

"Oh god! I'm so sorry! I'll just -" Clara was saying, but the door was slammed, cutting her off. They waited with baited breath to see if the door was going to reopen.

"What was it?" Eleven asked her.

"Just some people, err, _expressing their love_..." she said carefully.

"Is that what you want us to do?" he asked his wife, and Rose could her him getting flustered as she bit her hand to keep from bursting out into laughter. Skin on skin. Clara had slapped him. "What did I do!? Wifey! Come back!" he padded after her.

"Well, that was close," said Rose, pushing Jack away.

"Quick, we can tail 'em and find out where their room is," Jack said. They burst out of the room and got a funny look from one of the guests. Rose just smiled awkwardly and bolted after Jack.

"Why should I?!" Clara shouted back at him.

"Because... Because..." he started.

"Because what?" Clara prompted him, the edge leaving her voice for a moment. Rose wondered if they could sort out their problems on their own after all.

"Because you're my wife!" he said. She guessed not.

"That's not good enough!" Clara practically shrieked and a door was slammed. Jack glanced around.

"Room 55W," he whispered to Rose. "He's locked out. Let's go." They left before Eleven would see them. He was too busy pleading with Clara to let him back in anyway.

They got back to the TARDIS after just a twenty minute absence, hoping nobody had notice.

"Where'd you two go?" Amy asked as soon as they got in. Jenny was there too, but she perked up at sight of Jack. Then she sank back down again when she saw Rose.

"Just looking at the views," she said. She passed Amy to go get another smoothie, and whispered _tell you later_ in her ear, as Jack went in for another attempt to get Jenny. Rose was gone before she figured out if it was going to work this time though.


	58. What The Hell Is A Whouffle?

**AN: I'm bored and this chapters already here, and I don't like writing ahead because then I can't add in minor requests for simple character interactions and it just gets complicated. So, have two chapters today. Also, thanks to everyone who gave plot arc suggestions, I have enough now to keep me going before I need anymore. But by all means, keep suggesting if you wish :)**

_What The Hell Is A Whouffle?_

Rose didn't know what had happened that night after she went to bed, all she knew was the next morning Jack and Jenny were inseperable and that Ten had woken her up at four in the bloody morning to complain about them.

"Just go to sleep!" she'd shouted through his babbling eventually, after stuffing her head under two pillows didn't block him out.

"I'm too angry to sleep! The nerve of him..." grumbled Ten.

"Well I do want to sleep! I have errands to run tomorrow," she'd growled, attempting to kick him off the foot of her bed, where he'd been lurking.

"Errands? The kind of errands involving Jack?"

"Yeah, actually. He's helping me with a little problem. Well, two problems. Called Doctor and Clara," Rose had confided.

"Any luck?" he'd asked. Rose bit her lip. She didn't think he needed to know about the predicament in the storage cupboard.

"We found their room number, but then we left. Didn't want to get caught," she'd said.

"Good to know you're still looking out for me," he'd said. Rose had grinned, though she didn't know if he had been able to see her through the gloom. "How are they though? Really?"

"Bad. He's been locked out of the room. She's stopped calling him Chin. She won't even let him hold her hand," Rose sighed.

"Ah, old love," Ten said wistfully. Rose rolled her eyes.

"Can I go to sleep now?" she'd asked, lying back down on the bed.

"Suppose..." he'd said. "I'm staying here though."

"Great. While you're there, think of a way to help them. It's your future happiness on the line," she told him, but before he could argue or answer she'd fallen asleep.

So now, Rose was sat in the console room, which was filled with new chairs, making the total twelve (the TARDIS had not given Clara a seat). She was sipping a hot cup of tea and idly watching Jack and Jenny, who were talking quietly and laughing on the other side of the room. She checked the time. Nine o'clock.

"Jack?" Rose called to him.

"Yeah?" he replied.

"I think it's about time we should go. You know, to... see the beach..?" she lied. Jenny, who had been in a remarkably good mood (she'd even seemingly fogiven Rose), shot them both suspicious looks.

"Oh, yeah," said Jack, "which reminds me, I've got us a box." He got up and ran out of the room to get something.

"What's going on?" Jenny snapped instantly. _Jealous much?_, Rose thought to herself.

"You won't care," Rose replied. It was true, she doubted Jenny cared at all about the state of Eleven and Clara.

"Then tell me," she said. Rose sighed. There wasn't any point in lying to her.

"We're playing Cupid," she replied.

"Sorry?" asked Jenny, clearly not understanding.

"We're sneaking out there and pretending to work in the hotel so we can help out the Eleventh Doctor and Clara," she explained.

"Are you really gonna say that everytime? 'The Eleventh Doctor and Clara'? It's a mouthful," Jenny said.

"What do you propose?" Rose retorted, even though Jenny was clearly trying to be friendly.

"Give them a couple name," Jenny suggested. It was a moment before Rose burst out laughing. A couple name? Like Cloctor or something? Dara? "Whouffle."

"What the heck is a 'whouffle'?" Jack asked, returning with a metal briefcase.

"It's like 'who' and 'souffle', since that's his name and she has some sort of problem," Jenny said. Rose thought it over. Whouffle? Really? It sort of stuck... But the mention of souffles had given her an idea.

"We could bake them a complementary souffle?" she suggested, "I could put that Krillitane (**AN: That is the correct spelling of krillitane, I apologise for spelling it completely wrong every other time I've written it**) oil in it so they realise how stupid they're being?" Jack shrugged.

"Worth a shot, I guess," he said. Not a moment too soon, a fresh souffle appeared on the side of the console, and next to it was Rose's bottle of 'clever juice', only now it was empty. She guessed the TARDIS didn't like seeing Eleven upset, that, or she was trying to murder Clara.

"Why do you have a briefcase?" Rose asked Jack, eyeing the souffle carefully. It was about twenty times better than anything Clara had baked before, and when Rose turned to put it down a mysterious hamper had appeared. Rose carefully positioned the souffle in it then stepped back, secretly suspecting it was a bomb.

"It's got tools in it," he replied.

"We're not actually maintenance, you know."

"They're not actually maintenance tools, you know," he mocked, "Mini cameras. I got you some psychic paper, so we both have some. Just other spy-stuff."

"Right..."

"Can I come?" Jenny asked, "I'll be bored on my own." Rose and Jack exchanged a look, then his eyes lit up.

"I'll go hide somewhere I can hack the building. You two can do the groundwork," he said.

"The hard part, you mean?" Rose said. Jack didn't say anything. "Alright, fine. Just let me call her, maybe they've seen sense in the night." Rose said back down and pulled out her phone. Everyone had eachother's numbers now, which was good, and the phone in her hand felt friendly and familiar.

"_Hi_!" answered Clara, so cheerily she took Rose by surprise.

"...Hi?" she said uncertainly. "You alright?"

"_Yep. Just fine_," said Clara, "_you_?"

"Um... Yeah, it's great here..." she was put off by Jack and Jenny leaning closer to her ear. She mouthed at them to go away and put the phone on speaker. "We've got a pool and everything. And a tiki bar. I think there's a disco tonight."

"_A disco? Well, I hope you have fun_," said Clara brightly.

"Worked things out then..?" the momentary silence meant Rose knew she'd asked a bad question.

"_Yep_," said Clara darkly. Rose frowned.

"What happened?"

"_He's gone_," said Clara. Jack looked worried now.

"Gone where?" asked Rose, "he hasn't come back for the TARDIS."

"_Don't know, don't care. Listen, I have to go. I have a spa appointment_," said Clara, "_Bye_!" and the phone clicked off.

"Two-hundred million bucks says he's still outside," said Jack.

"Shut up about that," Rose said.

"What is it?" asked Jenny.

"Rose stole $200 million from a casino when she was drunk," Jack explained. "Surprisingly, that wasn't the most irresponsible thing to happen that night."

"What happened to you?" Jenny asked. Jack looked conflicted between telling Jenny about the four other people he'd woken up with and lying. Rose butted in to save him.

"We going then? He'll be on his own," said Rose.

"Are you gonna talk to him?" Jack asked, "or just sneak around?" Rose thought.

"Is there a voice changer in there?" she asked.

"Bought one yesterday, thought it might be useful. Plus, I needed a new one."

Rose grinned, and they went to work on plans.


	59. Mission Impossible Girl

**AN: Yeah... I'm really bored. Have a triple update. I'm writing them faster than I can upload. It's my August-the-eleventh treat... whatever that is :)**

_Mission Impossible Girl_

They had a base of operations: the linen cupboard they had been trapped in the previous day. The door was sonicked shut and there was a perception filter on it, so people would completely ignore it when they walked past. And hopefully, people meant Clara. They'd rearranged the towel stacks too, and they made soft, comfy seats.

It was about noon, and Jack was trying to synch their earpieces with his computer currently, Rose was keeping the hamper steady, Jenny was watching Jack. If they were a couple (Rose hadn't bothered to ask yet), they weren't half as annoying as whouffle (Jenny's nickname had definitely stuck).

"Ah-ha! Here we go, customer records," he said. "John Smith and Clara Oswald, 55W. He hasn't booked another room. And looky here, security feed. He's stuck outside. I'll call him away. Whaddaya think? Spa? Pool? Bar?"

"Bar," Rose and Jenny agreed. It seemed like the least likely place Clara would go, and if that were the case there'd be less chance of another row. Jack switched on his voice changer.

"How's this?" he said. He sounded like an Irish woman. They both snorted. "You gotta be quiet while I hack the speakers, girls." They nodded through fits of laughter, calming down eventually so Jack could do his job. "A Mr John Smith, Room 55W, please go to the bar for your complementary cocktail. That's Mr John Smith, 55W, to the bar for your complementary cocktail. Thank you." As soon as he shut of the microphone Rose and Jenny exploded into laughter.

"Shut up, he's gotta walk past the cupboard," hissed Jack.

"...Ever heard of a complementary cocktail? It's not like we have a special suite or something... Maybe I should get a special suite... I might as well just go back to the TARDIS..." Eleven mumbled as he walked past. He sounded like he'd been crying. Rose hated to see any of the Doctors crying.

"He's gone, hurry up and go now," Jack said. They both jumped up and left the room, carrying a note to stick on the door in fancy, golden, cursive writing. As they did this, it was Jack's job to upgrade whouffle to a honeymoon suite.

"Quick, we don't know how long he'll be," Rose said to Jenny. Jack had unlocked the door of 55W for then already, and he checked Clara's day, which was just a string of appointments. She wasn't coming back any time soon.

Jenny went to pack up all of Clara's things, and Rose grabbed Eleven's suitcase, which was unopened and full. She put it down outside as she stuck the note to the door. It read:

_Due to a fault with our boilers,  
We regret to inform you your room has been reassigned.  
Our staff already took your bags to your new room  
- Honeymoon Suite 11, Floor 16 -  
To apologise for this inconvenience,  
The hotel is supplying a hamper and added leisure activities to your timetables._

_Thank you and have a pleasant stay_

"I'm done," said Jenny, after searching the room top to bottom for belongings. They darted off, closed the door behind them and made for the lift. Hopefully it wasn't a Whooshfrom lift...

They got to floor 16 to find only four doors: 8, 9, 10 and 11.

"Just unlocking it for you now," Jack crackled through the earpieces. Rose winced against the feedback, but a green light appearing on the door handle showed it had just unlocked.

It was huge. It was bigger than any hotel suite Rose had ever seen, it was at least three times the size of the TARDIS console room, and all the walls were windows where you could see the resort. The main room was a living room, kitchen and bedroom all in one, and there was just one wall which partially separated the bedroom from the rest. A huge TV was mounted on the other side of it. There were huge, plush sofas covered in leather and a coffee table that looked insanely expensive, a device built into it that made your beverages for you. They were in the living room portion when they entered, to the left on a slightly higher level was the kitchen and the bedroom was on the right.

Rose put the suitcase she was carrying down to look around as Jenny headed back down the lift to get the hamper.

"No fooling around with your boyfriend," Rose called to her, "don't wanna waste time."

"He's not my boyfriend!" Jenny flushed.

"If you say so," said Rose as the doors shut. "Jack?" she said, hoping he was tuned in.

"Is this about me and Jenny?" he asked.

"No. It's just... Don't they need keys for the room?" Rose said, "you can't hack the door every time they want to leave."

"Yes I can. I'm thinking that we're shoddy maintenance though and this door's gonna jam tomorrow and all the cell lines are gonna be cut off. Bad news if the people inside don't get along." Rose laughed at this and shook her head.

"I'd better put their clothes away then, it'll make it harder for her to kick him out."

"Oh, I put a fake business card for a love advice line in that hamper. Specifically for the newlyweds who are meant to occupy these places. Free from the honeymoon suites."

"Let me guess - it goes straight to you?"

"Yep, how'd you - Oh, here it is," Jenny must have showed up.

"No distracting her!" Rose ordered.

"Wouldn't dream of it," he said. Rose heard Jenny say bye and the door shut. "There. Happy? Anyway, here's hoping one of them will give the number a call later."

"Are we on security footage?"

"No. I'm not an idiot, Rose," said Jack, "you're completely safe. And I'm on spousey alert."

"Spousey?"

"Yeah, y'know, Wifey, Husbandy. Spousey. Speaking of Husbandy, it looks like he's drinking his troubles. I got the bartender to give him a tab."

"Was that wise?"

"The hypocrite! Giving me a drinking lecture then doing this," said Jenny, joining to conversation just as she reached floor 16.

"There's petals and champagne there too, I managed to swipe a bunch of romantc decorations. And romantic movies."

"Wait - when you say _romantic movies_, you do mean actual romantic movies, right? Not po-"

"What kind of guy do you think I am?! I'm just looking out for my best friend here," said Jack innocently. Rose still didn't trust him. Rose grabbed a bag of petals from the hamper.

"I'm going to scatter these on the bed," she said to Jenny.

"What do I do?" Jenny asked, "I don't know about Earth honeymoons."

"Get two champagne flutes out and put them and the champagne on the table, but don't open it." Jenny nodded and went to the kitchen.

"Ha ha! Peekaboo, you're live on cam, Rose," Jack said. She stared around.

"Why are there cameras in here?!" Rose demanded.

"Relax. I can't see the bed. It's on the wall above the TV. I can see the sofa though," said Jack. "In case they get eager."

"If they get back together you are not to spy on them!" Rose told him strictly.

"Calm down. I've seen worse," said Jack. "Did I ever tell you about the first time I got sentenced to death?"

"First time?" asked Jenny from the kitchen. Rose rolled her eyes. Jack had been senteced to death, and dead, too many times for anyone to count. She went back to scattering pink and red petals.

"Before I was immortal. I don't remember what happened - there was a lot of alcohol involved - but I woke up the next day with two of my executioners. You know what, they stayed in touch. Nice couple. I visited them once."

* * *

"Listen, I made them a playlist," Jack said. Some speakers came out of the walls.

"Don't wanna hear it!" Rose said before the music could start playing, "keep it a surprise for later."

"Aw," he said, the speakers shrank back. "Uh-oh," said Jack. It was forty minutes after they'd entered the room.

"What?" asked Jenny and Rose sharply.

"You know how I was supposed to be watching the cameras? Well, I kinda connected to the shower cubicles. And now I've just checked the lift camera..."

"Spousey alert?" Rose asked.

"You bet."

"Code Red or Code Blue?"

"Code Red." Rose swore. Code Red meant Clara.

"I've unlocked the door to a different room. Hurry, get inside 10," Jack sniggered. Rose almost growled at him, but there was no time. At least everything was more or less set up. They managed to escape and get into Suite 10, startling a newly married couple who were in the middle of some... _business_, on their sofa, persay. The girl shrieked.

"Shush!" hissed Rose, "we'll be gone in a minute."

"...His fault, probably. Bet he did it on purpose... Urgh, look at this place. Decorated for happy couples..." Clara was grumbling.

"Door's shut, it's all clear. Get back to base before she comes back, I think she's headed to the pool in five," Jack said.

"We'll be off now! Bye!" Rose said to the naked couple, and she and Jenny sped off, straight for the linen cupboard.

"He's in a rant now, about women," Jack said to the two girls when they got back to their cupboard. "Drunk."

"What's he been saying?" asked Jenny.

"Not a lot. He's mostly been agreeing with the other guys there. His bar's overlooking the pool though," said Jack.

"A fruit smoothie says they're gonna start flirting with others just to annoy eachother," said Rose boredly. She knew the routine. She watched soaps.

"Two fruit smoothies say Clara's gonna flirt with some guy and Doc's gonna get protective and jealous," said Jack.

"Four fruit smoothies say they're going to have a very loud, very angry shouting match in public," Jenny said.

"So that's seven fruit smoothies. We all get smoothies if all that happens," said Rose.

"Deal," said Jack, and they all shook on it.

* * *

Two hours later, they were all getting smoothies.


	60. Stupid And Obvious

**AN: I'm kinda bored, so I figured, for no apparent reason, let's have half this chapter in Eleven's viewpoint, and the other half in Clara's. But seriously, no apparent reason, I can think of no logical explanation why this would happen in the fic, I just thought you might want some better insight into whouffle. And yeah, this is an incredibly short chapter (less that 700 words), so there'll be a double update.**

_Stupid And Obvious_

"Clara! Champagne flutes are _not_ used to stab people!" Eleven said, jumping back into the corridor. His wife was brandishing a glass at him, which she'd previously smashed on the coffee table. Surely she wasn't going to hit him with it? He racked his memories, trying to figure out if it was illegal or not in the 34th century.

"Get out then!" she ordered him.

"But my clothes are already in there!" he argued back. She just glared at him as he approached the threshold of the room again.

"I mean it! Stay away from me!"

"Just tell me what's wrong, Wifey!" he pleaded.

"Figure it out!"

"A-ha! So you admit something's wrong? Now I can go talk to Rose about it..." he thought, already forming the conversation in his mind.

"Don't even think about it. It's your problem, she won't tell you," said Clara surely. And then she shut the door in his face. Again. What had happened, he wondered? They'd been fine, then suddenly... Maybe River had been talking to her... Maybe it was Jenny... Maybe it was some mind control... Maybe it was the TARDIS... Maybe it was Jack...

The possibilities ran through his mind like a freight train. He groaned and pressed his back to the door, sliding down it. Clara was right. It was his problem, and nobody else was going to help him solve it. He sighed. His Impossible Girl... His Clara... And she'd gone frankly berserk.

_Maybe I should tell her I love her_, he thought to himself. But no, surely Clara could see he'd completely fallen for her, she was smart enough to know that without needing telling. Wasn't she? _Yes_, a voice in his head told him, _She's Oswin, the genius Dalek_, it said. This seemed like sufficient evidence. With that, he went back to mulling over the other possible suspects for this relationship sabotage.

And there was Clara, and they were stuck on opposite sides of a wall. It was like Rose all over again, except worse because Rose hadn't chosen to get separated.

* * *

_Stars, he was so stupid!_

Clara was pacing the Honeymoon Suite. Stupid place. Stupid view. Stupid champagne. Stupid petals. Stupid hotel. Stupid couples. Stupid marriage. Stupid everything! And there was a perfect souffle, just sat there in the hamper that some unbeknownst person had left. She glowered at it.

Why couldn't he see what was wrong? Wasn't it obvious? They were _married _for god's sake! Did he not feel the need to say 'I love you' every once in a while?! It was just three words, how hard could it be?!

She sat on the sofa and pouted. She hadn't said it, but that was only because her feelings were the most obvious thing in the world. Who dies for someone they don't love thousands of times? Even the Doctor didn't know how it felt to die that much.

She'd forgive him in a heartbeat if he just said it!

She almost called Rose, too. But she decided against it. Rose was probably busy at whatever disco the TARDIS was holding. She didn't want to leave because she knew Eleven was still out there, he'd never leave her. It was annoying. _Really_ annoying. If she didn't love him so much she probably would have slashed at him with the flute. She would never do that though.

She curled up on the sofa, wishing for chocolate, then she remembered the souffle. It was chocolate. And it was probably delicious. And she hadn't had a good souffle in years...


	61. Family Reunion

**AN: The POV is going to change again for anyone wondering if I haven't made that clear, but not until Rose and Clara get an even amount of chapters, which is round about Chapter 74 (yes it will be that long). Also, I haven't forgotten about Donna, Mickey, Martha, Nine and whoever else hasn't been in it recently. These characters are in the focal point currently, so I apologise. Just rest assured, they're together having fun on holiday in the TARDIS.**

_Family Reunion_

They slurped their fruit smoothies and watched the couple row.

"Oh my god, she's not really gonna cut him is she?" said Rose, gaping at the deadly champagne flute in Clara's hands.

"Nah, they're in love," said Jack. Rose and Jenny gave him looks. "What? Just because she's a lunatic and he's an idiot and they can't talk without fighting doesn't mean they're not in love."

"Right..." said Rose, deciding not to argue with him. They heard the row going on and Eleven threatening to tell Rose.

"Yeah right, like I'd tell him," said Rose, backing up Clara in her next sentence. And then he was locked out.

"I can't tell if anything we're doing is working," said Jenny a few minutes later.

"We haven't really done anything yet except move their suites," said Rose.

"Wait til I lock 'em in together tomorrow," said Jack slyly.

A scream ripped through the speakers suddenly.

"Clara!" all three of them said, knowing the scream. They left the room and dropped the smoothies, jumping in the lift and sonicking it to rocket up to Floor 16, where Eleven had just managed open the door to see his wife... was she having a fit?

"That doesn't look good," said Jack.

"Clara?! Clara, are you alright?!" Eleven was asking, but they could only see the whites of her eyes and she wasn't replying... She was sort of demonically screaming, her face contorted in a horrific image of pain and fear. Rose ran to her side as Jack shut the door.

"Rose?! What are you doing here?" Eleven demanded.

"Err... Giving you absolute privacy?" she said. Then she noticed the partially eaten souffle. "Ah..."

"What?" Jack asked.

"You know that souffle? I think there was something in it," she said.

"Whaddaya mean? Course there was something in it. We're the ones who put the something in!"

"No! Not the Krillitane oil! Something else! Some voodoo stuff," said Rose.

"'Voodoo stuff'?" Jack questioned.

"Why are you two here?!" Eleven shouted.

"Oi! I'm here too!" said Jenny.

"Wha-?!"

"We're your guardian angels," said Rose.

"We're your cherubs. We're here to attack you with pointy things until you're happy," said Jack.

"We're just playing Cupid," said Jenny.

"If you really cared, you'd tell me what was wrong with Clara!" he said.

"I don't know what's wrong with her! You should probably ask the TARDIS though. She's the one who baked the souffle," said Jenny.

"I - She - You - THE TARDIS BAKED CLARA A SOUFFLE _AND YOU LET HER EAT IT_?!" he roared. "SHE MIGHT DIE!" His rage was terrifying, but Rose saw an opportunity as he rambled about taking her to the TARDIS and lifted her gently into his arms.

"You really love her, don't you?" said Rose, hoping to pry and answer out of him.

"Of course I do! It's pretty obvious, don't you think? Come on then! We need to get somewhere she can be treated!" he said. The three exchanged exasperated looks. If it was so obvious, why didn't he just tell his wife!?

"And if we're in the TARDIS she won't know we've been orchestrating this whole thing," said Jack.

"Why can't she know you were here? And what do you mean 'orchestrating'?" asked Eleven as they crammed into lift. Clara had stopped her yowling, but she still looked like she was screaming, her face pale and ghastly. They'd have to move fast to avoid funny looks and murder accusations.

"If she knows we were here we can't keep helping you," said Rose, "and I'll give you a hint: There's nothing wrong with the boiler."

"Should've known..." said Eleven, ignoring the shouts he was getting from people seeing Clara as they passed through the lobby. "Just had a slip!" he called to them, dashing out behind the building where the TARDIS was. He burst through the doors, and Rose would've followed him, if not for the tall, skinny man she saw lounging about in the TARDIS.

"Rose!" he said instantly. She would have got him confused with Ten, except Ten was in his suit and Tentoo was wearing normal Earth clothes, which compiled of jeans, a t-shirt and a jacket. Though he still had the shoes. And of course, his wedding ring.

He ran up and kissed her while spinning her about in a circle, plonking her back down again and looking around.

"I've missed you so much!" he said, kissing her again.

"It's only been a week," said Rose. He pouted.

"Feels like a month," he said.

"I know the feeling..." she agreed.

"Erm, Rose, we have a situation?" said Jenny, just about to go into the corridor.

"Jenny!" shouted Tentoo, pulling his daughter into a hug. Rose laughed and followed him on, though not before glancing at Ten. No words passed between them, but she knew what he must be feeling. He gave her a fractured smile, but she had to join her husband, who was in the middle of a bear hug with Jack.

"So! How's life? What's this situation?" asked Tentoo.

"Eleventh Doctor's wife's possessed by a demon souffle," said Rose. That hadn't sounded as daft in her head.

"Right. That's new. Oh, I'm here because the Dimestabilisers still aren't fixed. Actually, I'm not convinced they're broken, they could be being manipulated. Anyway, I'm the last. It's people with a specific amount of background time energy it's pulling through. Being a metacrisis and, well, the Doctor, I meet the requirements," he said quickly and proudly.

"Well, Clara's dying right now, so-"

"SHE'S NOT DYING!" Eleven shouted angrily from ahead of them, "AND IF SHE IS IT'S YOUR FAULT!"

"Why is Rose's fault?!" demanded Tentoo, growing protective.

"No, it is actually my fault. And their fault," she pointed at Jack and Jenny, "the TARDIS baked Clara a souffle, and we let her eat it."

"Sorry?" he asked.

"The TARDIS hates her, we don't know why," Jack explained, "it baked her food and the food was poison or something. Now she's a demon."

"Didn't even get to finish my smoothie..." grumbled Rose, but it was hard to be upset when your husband and the love of your life just popped up out of nowhere.

"Smoothie?" he asked.

"I'll tell you everything later," said Rose, "but don't tell Clara any of this... You'll understand in a bit."

"Alright," he said, grinning as they finally reached the infirmary. Eleven had beaten them by nearly five minutes, and Clara was no longer looking like something from a horror film as she rested peacefully on a hospital bed. Rose didn't trust it. She edged closer in the hope to catch the bed if it fell. Jack had the same idea.

"So! Who're you?" Tentoo asked Eleven.

"I'm the Eleventh Doctor," Eleven replied grimly. "I found the antidote. The TARDIS left it out."

"Do you trust it?" Jack asked.

"I analysed it, it's the right formula," he said.

"So, who's that?" Tentoo pointed at Clara.

"Clara Oswin Oswald, my wife," Eleven said.

"Right," said Tentoo. "The one you married in Vegas?"

"You should've seen 'em before Vegas," said Jack, "tryin'a hide that they were together."

"We weren't together before Vegas!" Eleven said, watching Clara with eagle eyes.

"What were they like before Vegas?" asked Jenny.

"Well, you know, since my other wife is dead, I'm not _technically_ cheating," Jack mimicked Eleven, and Rose took the role of Clara.

"We both like eachother, and we both know that, but we're not together or anything," she said, scoffing and rolling her eyes.

"Hey Clara, I know we're not dating, but ya wanna share a bed?" said Jack. Eleven was steadily growing redder. "Dance with me, Impossible Girl!" Rose gasped.

"Are we a couple?! I thought in my head we were a couple!"

"You heard that?!" Eleven huffed.

"Oh yeah," said Jack, smirking.

"Let's link arms everywhere we go now and never ever separate!" said Rose shrilly.

"Alright! Shut up! She's waking up!" he declared.

"Get out! She won't wanna talk to you," said Rose.

"What? I saved her life, of course she'll want to-"

"Come on, Chin," said Jack, dragging him away.

"Don't call me that, only she's allowed to call me that," said Eleven, pouting, but the doors slid shut.

"What's going on?" groaned Clara a moment later. Only Rose, Jenny and Tentoo were in the room.

"The TARDIS... sort of... poisoned you," said Rose carefully.

"What're you doing here? I said absolute privacy!" Clara sat bolt upright and Jenny jumped back.

"You're not in the hotel! Husbandy brought you here. We made him go outside," said Rose. "Oh, this is Tentoo."

"The clone?" Clara asked Tentoo, who was waving.

"Nothing wrong with being a clone. Home grown and organic," said Jenny. Tentoo laughed at her joke.

"Yep, that's me. The metacrisis, the duplicate, the clone, whatever. Rose's brilliant husband," he said. Rose giggled, but quickly got back to the matter at hand.

"How did the TARDIS poison me?" asked Clara.

"I... Err... Gas! It hacked the ventilation on its own, and put gas into your room. That's what Husbandy said anyway..." Rose lied.

"Why is he called Husbandy?" asked Tentoo.

"Because he calls Clara 'wifey', it's a joke. It's a bit weird though," said Jenny.

"Oi! It's sweet," said Clara. "You didn't tell him what's wrong, did you?"

"No," said Rose.

"If he's so sweet why don't you just forgive him?" asked Jenny. "Or tell him what's wrong?"

"I've explained this to you," Rose told her.

"But I don't -"

"You'll get it someday," said Rose, shushing her. "He fixed the ventilation now anyway. And he's locked down the TARDIS, so it can't do anything to hurt you. Are you gonna go back?"

"I suppose... It's a shame to waste that honeymoon suite though," said Clara.

"Honeymoon suite? You didn't tell me you'd booked one of those!" said Rose, hoping Jenny would play along with her. Thankfully, she did.

"We didn't, the boiler broke so they upgraded the room. We got free champagne and everything," she said.

"Sounds great, it'll definitely help you two work through your issues," said Jenny.

The conversation about the suite continued for a while, before Rose noticed the time and realised her lunch had consisted of a lot of smoothies. Keeping Eleven well away, they sent Clara back into the hotel, letting him follow only half an hour later. Then the trio and Tentoo all trooped into the kitchen to get some food since it was empty, as everybody else was off in different parts of the ship.

"So! What's wrong with them? I thought they were all lovey dovey? You made it sound like they were annoying over the phone," asked Tentoo, eating a slice of pizza.

"They were, but this is worse," said Jack.

"Mmm," Rose agreed, and recited the story about whouffle and exactly what was wrong with them to Tentoo, who listened intently as he drank his coke.

"That's immature. Why doesn't he just say it?" Tentoo asked. Rose remembered 'I love you' had been some of the first words Tentoo had ever said to her. Although Ten was a whole other story. He'd never said it to her. Not that she minded anymore.

"Maybe _you _should talk to him?" Rose suggested.

"Aren't they back in their hotel?" asked Tentoo.

"Yep," said Jack, "I think we'd better go back soon, keep an eye on them. We really should've gotten rid of those champagne flutes when we left."

"Why?" Tentoo questioned. Rose sighed, and the three of them began to explain everything that had happened over the past day and what they were doing to help.


	62. H&T

**AN: Sorry, but I can't be bothered thinking of a new name for Tentoo, it would need an explanation and I really don't care :( Secondly, if anyone's interested, this fanfic is now longer than Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets.**

_H&T_

They were back in the linen cupboard, at seven PM. This time they had snacks with them, and some flasks of tea. They'd decided to leave at midnight, if their latest plan failed. At that moment, they were laughing about the terrible seafood restaurant Rose and Clara had visited two days ago, and catching Tentoo up.

They had the laptop with the security footage in front of them. Eleven was pouting again. Clara wasn't there, she'd gone off to the fancy, six star restaurant on the ground floor. About half an hour ago, Tentoo had returned from giving his counterpart a lecture about love (Rose thought this was incrediby sweet), and how once in a while, girls needed to hear it. Eleven had argued Clara knew how he felt, and he'd proceeded to shout Tentoo out of the room. Honestly, they were both completely ridiculous.

"Spousey alert, Code Red," Jack said suddenly, looking at the camera in the corridor outside. They all hushed up as Clara passed their cupboard and headed back to the honeymoon suite. "Operation Lock-Them-In-Together-And-Scare-Them-So-She-Goes-F or-Comfort-And-They-Get-Back-Together is go."

"That's a stupid name," said Jenny.

"Operation Poltergeist is go," he amended after a moment of thought. Jenny smiled at him, giving him her approval. These smiles were about the height of the public displays of affection they showed, which was a lot more refreshing than whouffle.

"What if she's not scared of ghosts?" Tentoo asked.

"Um... We'll think of something," Jack said. The plan was to scare Clara so much that she'd take refuge with the Doctor and hopefully tell him what was wrong. "Oh look, they're fighting again." They were, in fact, fighting again. Only this time they had both ended up inside the room. Jack locked the doors and cut off their power, the lights taking a moment to fade (they were too busy paying attention to one another to notice). Only the air vents were working.

"Can't he just sonic them open?" Rose asked. Jack reached into his pocket and pulled out Eleven's green and gold screwdriver, twirling it proudly in his fingers.

"Ooh, that's new!" exclaimed Tentoo, snatching it. "Ha! Green! I like green, it's a good colour. Course, I like blue more." Rose let him sit and fidget with Eleven's screwdriver.

"Don't mess too much, this equipment's very sensitive," said Jack seriously. Tentoo gave him a dirty look that clearly said 'I'm not _that_ stupid', and went back to twisting the various sections of the sonic around.

"Just get out!" Clara shrieked, drawing everyone's attention back to the important matter in hand. Rose poured herself a fresh cup of tea.

"Fine! If you won't tell me what's bloody wrong with you how can I do anything to fix it?! I'm a doctor! I heal things! That's what I do!" he yelled back.

"Yeah, you're also supposed to make a diagnosis!" Clara shouted.

"Alright, I diagnose that you've gone crazier than Dalek Cahn!" Eleven shouted, flourishing his arms as he spoke.

"Oooooh," said Rose, Jack and Tentoo. The typical Earth response to when someone burns somebody else. Jenny just gave them confused looks.

"I'll explain later, Doll," Jack told her. She glared at him for this nickname. "I shoulda brought popcorn..."

"This is better than a soap," agreed Rose.

"Oh yeah? Well at least I _can_ save lives! I don't just let people die over and over again!" There was no sound in support of this retort. She'd gone too far. Rose could see the instant regret in her eyes even through the laptop screen, but she didn't bother apologising as Eleven turned and tried for a dramatic exit. But the door wouldn't open. Jack snickered.

Eleven searched through his pockets, spinning around as he dug his hand deep into all of them, searching for his sonic screwdriver.

"Well?" said Clara, crossing her arms and glaring at him.

"I... er... seem to have... misplaced my sonic..." he muttered. He wasn't looking when Clara rolled her eyes fondly and almost smiled. Rose could see her itching to go help him look, or to laugh at him, but she was still refusing. "Aaand the door's jammed and locked. Fantastic..." he grumbled. Jack snorted when he said 'fantastic'. Rose tried not to think anything of it. "Can I... er..."

"Can you what?" asked Clara sharply.

"Borrow your phone? I just need to make a call," he said quickly. Clara gave him a steely glare for a very long time, but he didn't withdraw his question.

"Fine," she gave in. Rose couldn't see his face because his back was to the camera, but she would bet smoothies that he'd been giving her puppy-dog eyes. "It's on the table." He walked around her nervously (as if she were going to punch him) and grabbed the phone. Rose half expected him to lick it, but as far as she knew, Eleven hadn't kept Ten's old habit.

Then Rose's phone rang, and the caller ID read 'Clara'.

"Quick, put the music on," Rose said. They'd planned for this. Jack hit a button that started disco music playing in the background, half way through _Cha-Cha Slide_, which Rose had never been able to stand at her school discos. "Hey, Clars!" she said, trying to sound drunk.

"Clars?" Eleven asked. On the camera Clara was frowning in the background, "why are you calling her Clars?"

"Er, why are _you_ answering her phone. Been busy?" she asked suggestively. Jack and Jenny were laughing in the background to make it sound like other people were talking.

"Busy? What? No! How dare you... I'd never..." he garbled, flummoxed. "Is this you?"

"Is what me?" asked Rose.

"_This_!" he said, waving his arm in a wide circle around him.

"What's 'this'? I can't see? Did Jack send you that picture?! Cos if he did-"

"What picture?" Tentoo asked.

"Hold on," Rose said, then she covered the phone mic with her hand. "There is no picture, I'm lying... Yeah, back now."

"No! Jack has not sent me any pictures!"

"D'ya want me to, Doc?" Jack asked Eleven. Tentoo gave him a slightly fearful look, then he laughed loudly behind Rose. They started trying to mimick the others' voices, and Jenny's scottish accent was so funny and bad Rose had to laugh.

"What's so funny?" Eleven asked.

"Just... Amy telling... a joke about... eggnog..." said Rose, making stuff up as she laughed.

"Eggnog?" he quereyed. Clara's face was growing steadily more confused. "Doesn't matter. We're locked in our room and my screwdriver's gone and we have no power. Anything to do with you?"

"I took your screwdriver," Jack said.

"Why?" Eleven asked.

"We were all playing dares last night and they dared me to take your screwdrier, so I did," lied Jack, "hey, if you're locked in your room with no power, maybe you should find something to do. Or some_one_ if you get my -"

"Yes! I get your point! That's disgusting," said Eleven.

"I was gonna say drift," said Jack moodily.

"Hear that, Clars! He called you disgusting!" Rose guffawed drunkenly. They all joined in laughing as _Cotten-Eyed Joe _came on. Another horrendous disco classic. Knowing Rose's luck, _The Fast Food Song _was next on Jack's playlist.

"You're drunk, the lot of you," Eleven said, only just realising. Not that they were drunk, unless you could get drunk from smoothies and tea. Then Rose was very drunk indeed. "And what is that music? _Cotten-Eyed Joe_? Where's your taste?"

"How 'bout this one?" Jack said. _Dancing Queen_ errupted out of his speakers, 1960s Sweedish pop music. _Well, at least they're not singing about Pizza Hut_, Rose reminded herself as the chorus broke out and Jack burst into off-key song.

"Sorry, I gotta go!" Rose said.

"You can't go! I still... I mean... You know..._Can you give me some advice_?" Eleven hissed the last part through gritted teeth. Behind him, (not that he could see) Clara gave in and finally smiled and shook her head.

"You've got a mobile! Call the number on the business card by the suite phone!" Rose told him, now shouting as Jack had ramped the volume crazily high. She hoped nobody noticed Abba was blaring at volume 11 in the linen cupboard. "I really have to go now! _You can dance! You can ji-ive! Having the time of your_-" she stopped singing badly as she hung up. Jack stopped the music at the same time too.

"Well?" Clara prompted, looking at him pointedly. "Eggnog? Discos?"

"Nevermind," said Eleven, putting her phone back down on the table despite the fact she was holding out her hand to take it from him. "They're all drunk."

"It worked," said Rose.

"Yep. It's a good thing all these cupboards are computer controlled," Jack said, typing something. Next thing, cupboards were banging and the force of it was making glasses and plates crash to the floor and shatter. Next he turned on the TV onto static and twisted dials so the frequency warped. It seemed Clara did, in fact, have a phobia of ghosts (**AN: I have a crippling ghost phobia (phasmaphobia), I'm still not over The Woman In Black, and I saw that in Februrary. Of last year. It's the WORST(the phobia, not the film)**), as she shrieked and jumped when the TV turned itself on.

"Are you alright?" asked Eleven, trying to sound less worried than he obviously was. Clara was shaking, she couldn't speak. "Clara?"

"Shall I start with the lights?" Jack asked.

"Wifey? Are you okay?" he approached carefully. Then the lights started humming and flickering and Clara squealed again. Rose blinked, and when she opened her eyes Clara was in his arms for protection, much to his shock.

The previous day, when Rose and Jenny had been setting up Honeymoon Suite 11 for their various pranks and tricks, they'd hidden tiny speakers in different parts of the apartment. Primarily, the bathroom, which Jack could manipulate so the doors violently shook. Noises started, like gasps and groans and dripping water. Clara had her face buried in Eleven's shoulder, but he still looked completely stunned. Too stunned, in fact, to give her a comforting hug.

"I think that's enough with the haunting," Rose advised Jack.

"But I didn't even get to show the video!" Jack complained.

"Well I think she might die of fright if you show her that creepy video," Rose said. Jack had compiled a very scary collage-like... well, thing. It was weird and it was made from clips from the darkest recesses of the internet. It had scared Rose, and she wasn't easily scared at all, not after everything she'd been through.

"Make it stop, make it stop," Clara appeared to be chanting like a mantra.

"It's just an electrical malfunction, I can't do anything without my screwdriver," said Eleven softly, _finally_ hugging her.

"What do you mean 'electrical malfunction'? Can't you hear that?" she whispered to him.

"It'll just be noises from the other -" he was cut off by a ghastly wail, which was then followed by Clara screaming.

"Whoops, forgot about that one," Jack muttered, hitting a switch.

"Calm down, Clara. I hate to see you upset," said Eleven, moving up another rank and stroking her hair.

"He better bloody say it, I swear..." grumbled Rose, who was being made uneasy by the creepiness occuring around everyone's favourite couple.

"I love you, and I never want to see -" but it was difficult for him to continue his sentence when Clara had just grabbed his lapels and smushed their mouths together. Cheers broke out from the linen cupboard. Jack restored power to the suite and stopped the simulated haunting, then he flicked a switch connecting them to the room's PA system.

"Coooongratulations!" Jack said in a gameshow-host voice, "from the Harkness & Tyler Love and Relationship Help Service!" It was only after he said that did Clara release Eleven.

"I AM GOING TO _KILL_ YOU TWO!" she roared, staring around the room. Eleven was too bewildered to say anything, he had no idea what was going on. "I love you too, by the way," she added to Eleven, who smiled weakly.

"There's four of us," Rose said.

"Hey! I barely had anything to do with it!" Tentoo said defensively, "I only got here today!"

"Who's the fourth one?" Clara asked, tapping her foot impatiently, "and can you explain exactly what you've been doing?"

"Me," said Jenny, "And if you want us to talk you'll have to find us first." Clara thought for a whole four seconds before gasping.

"You're in the linen cupboard, aren't you!" she said. "And yesterday - I saw - Oh my stars, what the hell were you two doing?!"

"It wasn't what it looked like!" Rose said quickly, aware of her redenning face. "We heard you coming and we were trying to hide, we didn't know you were gonna get towels."

"Have you been telling him what to say?" Clara asked suspiciously.

"Nope," said Rose, "We just lied about the broken boiler and updated your suite and accidentally gave you a poisoned souffle."

"I _knew_ it was the souffle... stupid Snogbox..." she muttered.

"That haunting was Jack's idea. The disco over the phone was fake. We also don't approve of you trying to murder your husband with a champagne flute while we're trying to fix your relationship," said Jenny.

"Whatever. Can you go now? We actually sort of have stuff to talk about," said Clara.

"Do we?" asked Eleven, still dazed. He didn't know what was going on.

"Yes, shush," she said. He nodded and she frowned at him. "What's wrong with you?"

"When someone acts like they hate you for days, then they suddenly kiss you and act like you're back together, it can do funny things to a Time Lord," Tentoo commented.

"We'll go if you promise not to attack him again," Rose said.

"Okay... I promise?" Clara said.

"We're gone. See you some time tomorrow," said Rose. Then she turned off the laptop by the button and slammed it shut. "You can't have this," she said to Jack.

"Whaddaya think I'm gonna do? Spy on 'em?" he asked. Rose looked at him as they all gathered their things so they could leave the cramped cupboard finally. "Alright fine. I guess I would."

"Exactly."

* * *

It was eight o'clock, an hour later, when they got back to the TARDIS. Mickey, Martha, Donna and Nine were all gathered in the console room laughing about something together.

"And then... when he went..."

"'I've seen all I need to'!" Donna had started that line, but the other three had joined in doing an impression of somebody at the end, so they all burst out in a fresh fit of howling laughter.

"What have you been doing then?" Rose asked, sitting down. They didn't have anything else to do, and Rose had barely spoken to the four of them for the past few days. She'd been too busy dealing with whouffle.

"We went to Wales for a few hours earlier while you lot were all gone," Nine began.

"Met this old bloke," continued Martha. "And we were talking -"

"And he said he'd seen everything there is to see," said Mickey.

"But he was being a right old git about it," said Donna.

"So we thought we'd show him something he's never seen before," said Nine. They could hardly talk for laughing now.

"So we... painted the town..." Martha began.

"With underwear!" the other chorused happily.

"And he just goes..." Martha started.

"_I've seen all I need to_!" they all started guffawing, again.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whose underwear?" Rose asked.

"The TARDIS would only let us throw out one person's," said Donna. Rose sighed.

"Shall we tell Clara now, or tomorrow?" she asked, "she's probably busy right now."

"Why? What's she doing?" Martha asked.

"Erm... Err... Um..." Rose's paused as she thought of a suitable thing to say was answer enough.

"Ah..."

"Let's just say we don't need to fix their relationship anymore, and the reason isn't because one of 'em's dead," Jack said.

"Call her now," Mickey said, getting a wild look in his eye.

"Are you sure? We don't know what they're doing..." Rose said, "she could be really angry. She might not even pick up."

"I know the phone number for their suite," said Jenny. Five minutes later, they were eagerly awaiting what was going to happen as the phone rang.

"If you leave a message they can hear you making it," Jack said to them. Of course, the phone went straight to voicemail.

"Hey Clars!" Rose said, "listen, I know you're probably busy doing... whatnot" - sniggers - "but I just want to tell you there was an accident earlier. You'll laugh about this, but the thing is, your underwear has been scattered over some town in Wales. Just thought we'd tell you bef -"

"_I hate you Rose Tyler_!" Clara finally answered.

"Oi! It wasn't me!" she said.

"It was us!" laughed Donna, Mickey, Martha and Nine in synch. The line went dead, and the group had to confide their various exploits over the past few days.

**AN: Longest chapter so far, I hope you liked the whouffle-reunion, and some Donna, Mickey, Martha and Nine, which you all keep asking for :)**


	63. Wake Up Call

**AN: I don't even like smoothies to be honest, which makes the last few chapters pretty weird. I do like hot chocolate and whipped cream though (if you've never had it, you should. It's the greatest). Also, on a legitimately important note, I am away this weeked and I think I get back late on Monday, setting off Friday morning. So no updates, apologies :( But, I'll still be writing, so you might have a super long chapter or something. But I'll still update on Friday morning (early), and tomorrow. So don't worry!**

_Wake Up Call_

*Clang*!

"Not again! How are you so good at this?" Tentoo asked Mickey, bemused. They were in a competition to see which one of them could balance a spoon on their nose for the longest.

"Ha ha! I win again," said Mickey triumphantly, opening another yoghurt and grinning. Everyone was bored to death, but they couldn't leave until Eleven and Clara got back, but it was midday and they hadn't heard anything.

"Rose?" said Tentoo suddenly, snapping Rose out of her daze.

"Hmm? What?" she said.

"I called your name about three times," he said. She noticed he was stood with the fridge open.

"I must've dozed off... What did you want?" she asked.

"Do you want an orange and grape smoothie?" he asked. Rose frowned.

"Orange and grape? Never heard of it," she said. He grinned.

"I'm experimenting," he said. She laughed at him.

"Alright," she replied.

"Urgh! I'm sick of this!" Martha said a while later. Rose was slurping her surprisingly good smoothie. "I'm calling her."

"It's on your head," said Rose, who had purposely avoided calling Clara because she was sure that Clara blamed her for the 'accident' involving underwear the previous day. Martha pulled out her phone and put it on speaker. Thankfully, Clara picked up.

"Whaddaya want..?" she said groggily.

"Have you _just_ woken up?" asked Martha incredulously.

"You woke me up. I'm tired," said Clara.

"I bet you are," said Donna, eating another bowl of cereal. That was her third today, since they were too tired to make proper food. Rose had only found out that morning that they'd all been drunk the day before, and they'd been up late into the night. Sometimes she felt like the only sensible one. But whenever she said that, Jack would bring up the whole stealing-200-million-dollars-from-a-shady-casino thing, and she'd shut up.

"Very funny..." muttered Clara, "Is this important or can I go back to sleep?"

"Well we want to go. Plus, if you two are good now, your father's expecting you somewhere somewhen," said Martha.

"What? My... Oh..." she said, "Time 's'it?"

"Twelve," said Martha.

"AM?"

"What? No! Midday!"

"Be there at two..." Clara said, hanging up. Rose was sure she'd just gone back to sleep.

"Right! That's it! I'm going to get them," Rose said, standing up and dragging Tentoo (who had a spoon on his nose again, which fell onto floor so he glared at Rose for a moment) with her.

"Not missing this," said Martha.

"I'm sick of cereal, I'm coming too," said Donna. Mickey would have come, if Rory had not just come into the kitchen. They'd apparently become friends over the past week.

"We're off to wake up the happy couple," Rose told Jack as she passed through the console room, which was now he and Jenny's favourite haunt.

"Hey! I can't believe you've gone to catch them in the act without me," Amy said, appearing behind them just as Jack and Jenny agreed. So they all headed off, minus Nine, Ten, Mickey, Rory and River.

As always, it was remarkably easy to sneak so many people into a hotel. It was also remarkably easy to sneak so many people all the way through the hotel and up into the honeymoon suites.

"Leave this to me," said Donna, stepping forward to the front of the group. Rose, who didn't want Clara to be any more angry at her than she already was, gladly stepped back and allowed Donna and Martha to open the door and barge through, a mere twenty minutes after the phonecall.

"Rise and shine, lovebirds!" Donna called, clapping loudly. Much to everyone's surprise, this did not have the desired effect. In fact, it hardly had any effect on the sleepy pair. Rose peered past the disgruntled Martha and Donna to see what was going on. Of course, they were in bed together, and Rose tried not to take note of the clothes strewn about the room. Eleven was still very much asleep. Clara was glaring at them with one eye, the other was closed. Actually, she wasn't even glaring. Just observing them with mild confusion. She had her head on Eleven's chest and one hand across him in a sort-of hug, holding the phone, and he had one arm wrapped around her, his other arm hanging uselessly off the edge of the bed.

"You're no fun," said Martha. Clara shook her head.

"Did you come to wake me up?" she asked.

"Well... Err..." Martha stuttered. She shook her head and pulled the covers over her eyes. "Hurry up! You have to visit your father today! Maybe stop of and get you more underwear."

"Wha's goin' on..?" moaned Eleven. Clara frowned at him.

"Did you wake up when she said underwear?" she asked.

"You're under where?" he muttered.

"Under you, by the looks of-" THWUMP! Clara had become alert as soon as the joke was made, and she lobbed a pillow across the room, hitting Martha so hard in the face she stumbled back. Rose laughed and pointed. Martha glared at her.

"You did deserve it," Rose said. It _was_ true. Martha just kept glaring at her. "You deserve more than that, actually. At least I was trying to help them."

"I was trying to help!" Martha argued. Rose raised her eyebrows so high they vanished into her hairline.

"How does decorating Wales with her pants help them?!" Rose demanded.

"What?" Eleven asked. "Why'd you do that?"

"We were drunk!" Martha tried to defend herself.

"It was the morning!" Rose said to her. She finally gave up and stomped out.

"I'm sorry about it, by the way. It was actually mostly my idea... And the Ninth Doctor's," said Donna. Clara glared at her. "...Sorry, again..." then Donna scooted off, too.

"So, have fun last night?" Jack swaggered into the room and jumped onto the sofa, spreading his feet out and putting his arms behind his head. Jenny went and leant on the edge of it. Rose and Tentoo stayed in the middle of the room, Rose resting on his shoulder. Amy was leaning against the door frame with her arms crossed. Eleven and Clara looked more or less the same, only both awake, and with one less pillow.

"I saw everything," Jack added. Whouffle turned white.

"No you didn't," Rose said.

"Well don't tell 'em that! Did you see the look on their faces?" he said. If there wasn't a wall in the way, Clara would have thrown another pillow. Rose picked up the one already thrown at Martha and took the liberty of chucking it into Jack's face. He threw it back, but Rose caught it.

"Well, you two look content," said Amy.

"Did you all show up?" Eleven asked, "Are we really interesting?"

"Yep," said Amy, grinning. He rolled his eyes, then closed them and turned to face Clara, but she wasn't paying an awful lot of attention.

"Take a photo, it'll last longer..." she muttered.

"I can go get a camera if you like," Jack said. Rose threw the pillow at him again.

"I said we'd be ready at two," said Clara, "or is that too late for you? And did they throw out _all_ my clothes or just my underwear?"

"Just underwear," Donna called from outside the room where she was lurking with Martha. Clara looked relieved.

"Good. I don't like your box," she said to Eleven.

"That's a euphamism, right? You meant to say package?" Jack said.

"You! Out! Or I'll tell your girlfriend what you did in Vegas," Rose said. Jack turned red and spluttered, but he slouched away eventually. "And the lift! Go on!" Rose called after him.

"Gone?" Clara asked her. Rose nodded. "Good. I really don't like the Snogbox. Can't you find out what's wrong with it?"

"I don't know, maybe River told her to be awful?"

"There's awful, then there's murder," Clara said. "I refuse to go anywhere on that ship alone."

"What, even to the toilet?" Rose asked.

"I'll guard the door," Eleven said proudly. Clara gave him a kiss for being sweet. "And it wasn't _murder_, that poison would have worn off after two hours with no ill effects or scaring or anything. Like a laxative." Clara gave him a dark look when he made this comparison.

"And for how long did you know what it was?" she asked. He sighed.

"Soon as I saw you," he replied.

"But if you knew she'd be fine, why were you so worried?" Rose asked.

"It wasn't a pleasant experience, and it's not fun. I can't help worrying about the girl I love, can I?" he said. And then he was attacked with kisses, making everyone else a little awkward.

"Well, you two look awake now," Rose said quickly, backing up. "Two, in the TARDIS. Have breakfast before you get on board though. You might get poisoned again." Clara ignored them as they returned. She was 'busy'.


	64. House Guests

**AN: Just wondering if any of you cool people are into Welcome To Night Vale so I can fangirl? Secondly, lots of people are asking for more drunkenness. I wasn't really gonna do a full-on party again because I think it's getting repetitive, but if so many people want me to write them drunk again I'll try and work it in somewhere, but I have the next 6 plotlines already sorted. Thirdly, I'm thinking Tentoo or Donna for the next POV change. Cast your votes, I shall tally them up! :) Finally, thanks to all of you for staying loyal to this insanely long fic for this long, and if it wasn't for you I'd have a 100+ word fanfiction saved on my computer, only it wouldn't be nearly as good because there would be no fan contributions to make it awesome. And, here it is! The return to Earth and the Slitheen! FINALLY!**

_House Guests_

"Ah," said Nine. They had landed, hopefully, at Clara's father's house on whatever Wednesday they were scheduled for. Rose had demanded to join them. Then she'd been convinced by Jack to wear a wire so they could hear the conversation, since it wasn't a good idea for Clara to show up at her father's house with thirteen completely random people, one of whom she was declaring to be in love with and married to.

"What?" asked Clara.

"TARDIS picked up some sort of distress," said Ten, "it's the Monday after we left."

"We've been gone twelve hours," said Nine.

"You gonna double check that this time?" Rose toyed with him. He gave her a very annoyed look.

"So?" Clara asked him.

"So," Rose came to answered, "you leave your house one night with some bloke you're strangely intimate with, then you come back the next morning wearing different clothes?"

"It doesn't matter, we're not at the Maitlands," said Clara, then she frowned, "Are we?"

"Yeah," said Nine, "The TARDIS was picking up signals."

"And you all trust it now?!" Clara said. Since she'd got back all she'd done was complain about the TARDIS and avoid any questions about what the pair of them did the previous night. It irritated Rose.

"I already told you, wifey," said Eleven, "that poison wasn't fatal. The screaming thing wears off after two hours. She wasn't trying to kill you."

"I don't care, I'd rather not become a demon again," she said, letting go of his hand and crossing her arms. Clearly, Eleven couldn't not be in contact with his wife for more than however long it took in the bathroom, and draped his arm around her shoulder instead. At least she didn't shrug him off.

"Come on then, allons-y!" said Ten, throwing his trench coat on and running out of the doors. All thirteen of them followed, but what they saw was a spaceship. And, to Rose's displeasure, the design was familiar.

"Slitheen," she said.

"They've come back," said Nine, "Mickey the Idiot! Go get us all some vinegar?" he told Mickey, who (for some reason) did as Nine ordered and darted back into the TARDIS.

The big, silver ship was stationed right in the middle of the road. Right outside the Maitlands' house. Rose couldn't see any Slitheen outside the house, but that must mean they were inside.

"Oh my stars, that's my dad's car," Clara gasped, pointing to a dark blue volvo. Mickey burst back out of the TARDIS, his arms full of squeezies.

"Sorry, Clara, there's only thirteen," said Mickey. Clara wasn't paying much attention.

"Why the hell has he driven down here?!" she was hissing to Eleven. Rose listened in to them. Eleven wasn't paying much attention, he was waiting to get a squeezie for himself. "He can't have driven down just to meet you..."

"I don't know, wifey, lots of people want to meet me," said Eleven. He accidentally squirted himself in the eye with vinegar.

"But _Lancashire_! He's come all the way down here! He must have been driving through the night!" Clara exclaimed. "What if he hits you?"

"Hits me? Why would he do that?" Eleven frowned. She shrugged.

"I don't know! You'll probably do something weird," she said.

"Weird? I'm not weird!" he argued. But his argument fell to pieces when he squirted some vinger into his mouth. Then he declared it was indeed vinegar, pulled a face, complained he hated vinegar, the sprayed even more into his mouth. Even Tentoo was looking at him as if he were an anomaly, and they were half the same person.

"Just be..." then she sighed, "you know what, it doesn't matter. Do what you want. I doubt he'll approve of you anyway."

"Does that matter?" he asked, worried. Clara shrugged.

"Not particularly, we don't even live in the same county anymore. I'll just visit him without you."

"He might approve of you if you go in there and rescue him from the Slitheen that are in your house," Rose butted between them.

"Yes, that's probably a good idea," said Eleven, "off we go, wifey!" he pulled her away, babbling something about protecting her with pickled eggs.

"Come on," Tentoo said, pulling Rose after Nine, Jack and Mickey, who'd run off next. "Been ages since I've since any action!"

"We'll stay here!" Martha shouted, "Don't wanna get messy!" Amy, Rory, River (who had been growing distant from everyone but her parents) and Donna agreed.

"I'll be down in a minute," Ten said. Rose felt guilty about Tentoo's presence, but it wasn't her fault she'd fallen for the Doctor. If it was anyone's fault it was his, for being so damn... Well, _him_. So it was Eleven, Clara, Nine, Mickey, Jack, Rose, Tentoo and Jenny who were running round the corner and bursting through the front door.

"Haha - Oh, that doesn't look too good..." Eleven said. Rose could almost see his hair flop the same time as his mood. Actually, she was pretty sure it _did_ flop.

"Oh... Er, hi, Dad! Hi Angie! Hi Artie! Hi George!" Clara said in way too high a voice for someone not dying of nerves. But she probably was. Nobody replied. Rose managed to climb up the stairs and lean over to get a good enough height to see into the living room. There were four Slitheen, and there were four hostages. Rose knew Angie and Artie, and could guess which of the men was Clara's father (he was the short one). They were gagged and bound and sat in chairs around the television.

"I'm going to go..." Clara looked around, "stand with Rose! You stay here," she said, pushing through the group to Rose, her father's eyes trailing after her the whole way.

"We're armed!" said Eleven, brandishing his squeezie. Everyone else waved their own about too.

"Puny humans and your fake vinegar. That is not vinegar, we already made this clear," one of the Slitheen gargled. Nine tasted his own squeezie.

"Nope, definitely not your juices. Good old fashioned vinegar. Now, maybe you'll tell us why you're invading Earth? Again?"

"Yeah, Sarah Jane's stopped you enough times from her attic in Ealing, you're not very formidable," Tentoo shouted through. "Why London? Again? Can't you go destory a useless planet like - I dunno - Mercury? Nobody's lived there for about 7000 years."

"We are eradicating vinegar from the entire universe," said one of the Slitheen matter-of-factly. "This way the Slitheen family can take over, and be rich!" They all chortled at this.

"You are rich!" said Nine, "you destroy enough planets. Besides, what's Earth to you? You called these people puny, and they are. Them and their planet. They can't even get to Mars, you've come from three billion light years away! They're no threat."

"Are you just trying to use all the carbon to make Earth a diamond again?" asked Eleven wearily, "seems more logical. And you'll get more money."

"When'd they do that?" Nine asked.

"I dunno, few years back," said Eleven, "and then there was all that nonsense with the Blathereen-"

"Pah! The Blathereen are the scourge of Raxacoricophalapatorius!" snarled one of the Slitheen.

"Alright, calm down. You know, they said _you_ were the scourge of Raxacoricophalapatorius. Maybe you should pick a fight with them," Eleven said.

"Don't start a civil war!" Nine said. Ten pushed through the door.

"Well if it makes them go away-"

"It doesn't matter, we're here to get rid of them in a different way," said Nine. Then he turned back to the Slitheen. "So, to humans, sinurmalcarbonate tastes the same as vinegar. But what are you going to do when the world's got no vinegar?"

"Move on to a new one!" one said, to cheers.

"Look, I'm sorry," said Ten, stepping into the living room to join the other two Doctors. "But are you actually believing them? Are you sure you're not turning Earth into a diamond again?" he repeated Eleven, "Turning it into a hatchery? Stealing all their fossil fuels? Stealing all their - I dunno - trees or something? Air? Clouds? Actually just take the whole sky."

"What are you doing with the vinegar?" Eleven asked, folding his arms. Rose was astounded the Slitheen had not yet attacked them. She didn't remember them for being calm, or generous. Or listeners. Or anything other than savage, to be frank.

"We are... disposing of it," said the Slitheen in a sinister voice.

"Well if you say it like that of course we're gonna know you're lying!" Eleven groaned. "Come on, cough up, or I'll be forced to wreck my wife's temporary house." Next to Rose Clara facepalmed. And proceeded to rub her temples for the remainder of the conversation.

"We are disposing of it," said a Slitheen.

"Yeah, but how?" said Ten, "dumping it in the oceans?"

"We are transporting the acidic substance far away."

"You're taking it home, aren't you?" Nine accused, "look at you, a superior race with all this technology and what does it come down to? War. Every time, just war and fighting and violence. You're making weapons, you're going to start a civil war!"

"Ever since the failures of the Slitheen family, many have been restless. We are proving we are not the weakest link-"

"Oh, please don't mention that," Rose whined. "Show killed me once. It's not fun being vapourised."

"You weren't vapourised, you were just teleported," said Tentoo.

"Teleported into a Dalek ship!" argued Rose.

"Silence!" demanded the Slitheen. "We are the strongest family on Raxacoricophalapatorius! And we shall be supreme!"

"Don't come here for your vinegar," said Eleven, "you should go Rapturus V. That whole planet is the sea, and they have so much fish and chips in their underwater cities they're the big daddy of vinegar-rich planets. Earth is just a little sister to them!"

"Where is this planet?" asked one of the Slitheen.

"Well, that's the thing. It moves about. There's about four huge suns in that system and it orbits so quickly it's really hard to find. Course I found it once, in the future. I hitched a ride on a cargo ship to get there," Ten picked up.

"But they say, if a new race can find Rapturus V and successfully dock, they'll be rewarded beyond their wildest dreams. With anything. And anything includes vinegar. They're rich on that planet, too. Got loads of diamonds and gold they're just itching to get rid of. I've still got some left for wedding presents," said Nine. "If I remember right, from here, it's about seventeen billion light years north. Second star to the right, follow it."

"And keep going til morning," Tentoo added. The Slitheen were stupid, and they were overcome with the desire to find this mysterious planet. Rose wondered if it was real or not. They all rushed out and were flying away without even a good bye, summoning their family to join them in the hunt.

"That was easier than expected," commented Eleven. Then he pulled scissors out of one of his pockets and went to cut the gags, everyone now entering the living room.

"What the hell is going on, Clara?!" demanded Mr Oswald (Rose didn't know his first name, and she didn't think now was the time to ask). "Who are these people?"

"Stars this is more difficult than I thought..." said Clara.

"Well?" asked her father sternly.

"Err..."

"Basically," Angie came to the rescue. "This is the Doctor, he's an alien from some planet. He's also married to Clara, and they time travel in a blue box. And he can regenerate when he comes close to death."

"Hello!" said Eleven, holding out his hand for Mr Oswald to shake. He declined, and Eleven looked disappointed.

"Time travellers? I've never heard such rubbish," he said. "Who are all these?"

"Well," began Ten, "I'm the Tenth Doctor. This is my clone, Tentoo, and his wife and my half-wife Rose Tyler." Rose and Tentoo waved from the stairs. "This is Jenny, my daughter through a machine, and her _boyfriend_ - who I don't approve of at all - Jack Harkness-"

"Captain Jack Harkness," Jack corrected, "I'm the man who can never die after _somebody_ absorbed the time vortex and brought me back to life."

"Sorry, would you rather you were dead?" Rose asked him bitterly. Jack ignored her.

"I'm also the man who is leaving for a few minutes to go get the others." He left, Jenny stayed.

"Others? How many others?" asked Mr Oswald.

"It's a long story," said Clara, "a very long story. If it were a TV show, I'm sure there'd be seven seasons by now, at least. You should probably sit down. And I think _you_ should go get tea," she said to Eleven, prodding him.

"What? Why do I have to go make-" he did a headcount and added on the others yet to come "-_eighteen_ cups of tea?"

"Because it's polite. Go get some mugs from the Sno- I mean, TARDIS," Rose gathered she didn't want to order her brand new husband away into a snogbox to find mugs in front of her father.

"Well, this is the Ninth Doctor," Ten continued with the introductions, "and this here is Mickey the Idiot! He's married to Martha Jones, who's - oh, right there!" the others arrived, "Sorry, _Doctor _Martha Jones now. She fights aliens freelance. They both do, actually. Here's Donna Noble, best temp in Chiswick and also the Most Important Woman in the Universe. She was half Time Lord at one point, and she's also married so she should stop flirting with Jack."

"Boring," muttered Donna. Eleven jumped back into the room, arms laden with their colour coordinated rainbow mugs. Nine went to help him.

"Yes! And... oh, these are the Ponds! Amelia and Rory. And this is their daughter, Professor River Song. She's my ex wife, and she's dead. It's all very tragic," he said, bustling through into the kitchen.

Then, Clara's father and Mr Maitland both fainted.


	65. You Can't Ground Me!

**AN: OKAY YOU GUYS SO DON'T KILL ME OR ANYTHING BUT I WAS WRONG I'M NOT BACK UNTIL TUESDAY! I AM NOW HIDING UNDER MY DESK TALKING TO YOU SO ANYBODY WHO COMES LOOKING FOR ME CAN'T FIND ME... EXCEPT I JUST TOLD YOU WHERE I WAS HIDING... Sorry (I promise LOTS of whouffle fluff in return)! But still, either ONE extra long (like 7000 words) chapter, or multiple chapters the usual length. Probably the latter, but still the same number of words :) And remember, while I am gone, cast your votes on either Tentoo and Donna for the next point of view change in less than 10 chapters! And still, plot ideas and little things are welcome, I am now more-or-less running on fan power and suggestions now, after this chapter.**

_You Can't Ground Me!_

When he came to, they'd decided the best people to talk to him were the five female companions (Rose, Martha, Donna, Amy and Clara), the ones who had all dealt with this shock before. Though admittedly, Rose had never found out her daughter had married a space man. Jackie, on the other hand...

"Maybe I should call my mother?" Rose suggested.

"Yes! An authority figure! Where is she?" garbled Mr Oswald.

"She's in a parallel universe," said Rose, "I can still call her." He groaned.

"Best not," said Martha. Then she went through the usual steps to check someone's well being, seeing if he had concussion.

"Look, first things first, who is this man? How long have you known him? How much do you know about him? Is he safe?" Mr Oswald fired questions at Clara without pausing for breath. Rose felt sorry for her.

"I don't know, a few months? Maybe a few centuries? Maybe more? I know everything about him... And... Yes, I suppose he's safe..." she said, thinking. "Um..."

"Well, I mean... Safety is relative," said Amy. Rose and Donna gave her questioning looks and she shrugged, "What really _is_ safety?"

"Is she ever in danger of being hurt?" he rephrased.

"Well she was poisoned yesterday, if that counts," said Rose. "But it wasn't dangerous or lethal or anything."

"Poisoned with what?"

"Laxatives..." said Donna slowly.

"I was not poisoned with laxatives!" Clara argued.

"How would you know? You were too busy having a fit to notice," Donna retaliated.

"This isn't helping!" Martha said, "Yes, she's perfectly safe. Can we move on now?"

"Where did you meet this man?"

"I... well... erm... It's complicated," she said. "When there was that huge London-wide powercut, and those weirdos in the Shard. We met then. He was trying to stop wi-fi monsters. You rang up and complained to him about the government for ages."

"Do you love him?"

"Oh god..."

"Not this again..."

"You're digging your own grave..."

"Don't start..." whined Donna, Amy, Rose and Martha together.

"Oi! It wasn't that bad," said Clara.

"I think I remember yesterday," said Martha.

"Are you sure about that? You pretty drunk? Drunk enough to scatter all-" Rose began.

"That's enough!" Clara cut across, turning pink, "Yes, I do love him." Eleven shouted something from the kitchen, but he had his mouth full of biscuits so he was completely incoherant.

"Who is he?"

"He's a Time Lord, from a planet called Gallifrey. It was destroyed in a war between the Time Lords and the Daleks," said Clara.

"Daleks are these evil things that look like giant salt and pepper shakers. They're an ugly tentacle blob in a shell," said Rose.

"Not all Daleks are bad," said Clara.

"Fine, three of them are alright," said Rose, "the one I met in Van Statten's museum and Dalek Cahn. And y - I mean, Oswin..."

"And Dalek Sec," said Martha, "he was good in the end. He saw the truth about the Daleks. He tried to stop them committing genocide."

"Genocide?!" exclaimed Mr Oswald, "Genocide doesn't sound very safe!"

"Don't worry, there's a lot less genocide now than there was in 2006," said Rose.

"And 1931," said Martha.

"And 200100," added Rose.

"There was quite a lot of genocide in 2009," said Donna. They agreed. "But not anymore!" she hastily added, seeing Mr Oswald's white face and Clara, wide eyed and shaking her head.

"Just don't mention any genocide!" she hissed.

"You, Clara Oswald," Mr Oswald said, "are grounded!"

"What?! You can't ground me! I'm twenty-four! I'm married!" she shouted. Rose shuffled away from Clara on the sofa, she wanted no part of their (very) loud argument.

"Was it even a legal ceremony?!"

"I don't know! I was really drunk, and it was the future, and I can't take off the ring because it's a special sort of ring," she said.

"Why? What's so special about it? Oh, let me guess, did he pay for it? He doesn't seem like the type to pay for anything."

"I don't know if he paid for it! But if I try and take it off it burns me," she said.

"So you're enslaved?"

"No I'm not enslaved! Even if I could take it off I wouldn't!" she shouted. Eleven peered around the corner. Rose got up and pushed him out of the room before either of them could see anything.

"What's going on?" he asked Rose.

"Shh, they're rowing," she told him, keeping him away. In his hands were four mugs of tea. A red one, a light blue one, an orange one, a light green one and a purple one. In other words, Clara, Rose, Amy, Martha and Donna's mugs. "I'll take those," she offered, "but I don't think wifey's in the mood for tea quite-"

"No he didn't threaten me to make me wear it!" Clara yelled.

"...Yet," Rose finished her sentence. "Don't go in there," she took the mugs belonging to Amy, Donna and Martha and passed them around.

"Is this such a good show you need refreshment?" Mr Oswald demanded loudly, rounding on Rose.

"Don't shout at her, she hasn't done anything!" Clara said.

"Probably another wife of this 'Doctor'..." he grumbled.

"Actually I'm the wife of his clone," said Rose, getting angry, "And we've been quite happily married and living on parallel Earth for four years, thank you very much." She stalked out of the room. And joined the others in the garden. The Maitland children had taken their father upstairs to his bedroom out of the way of all the shouting. She had to drag Eleven away by his elbow.

"What's going on out there?" asked Jack. Rose repeated as much of the argument as she could, which primarily consisted of genocide and slavery.

"Doesn't sound too good," he commented. Then the shouting escalated and the other three girls ran out looking shaken, Martha shutting the door behind her.

"He started having a go at us all for letting them get married!" Donna whispered.

"Well that's ridiculous. I'll just go-"

"No, you stay here," Rose grabbed Eleven's upper arm like a vice and refused to let him go inside. Luckily, they didn't have to wait that long. The front door opened.

"You can't ground me!" she yelled.

"Don't walk away from me, young lady!" her father shouted after her. Everyone huddled around the corner and saw Clara marching off to the TARDIS with her father in pursuit. They all followed carefully and at a distance, waiting to see if Mr Oswald would take the bait Clara had laid out, the bait being the TARDIS.

As soon as the Oswalds were inside, everyone else ran in after them. Obviously, Clara's father was completely speechless when faced with an actual time machine.

"I... but... but it's... how can... uh... It's..." he stammered.

"Go on," said Eleven, clapping his hand on Mr Oswald's shoulder. "Say it. Out loud. _Say it_."

"_Vampire!_" Jack said in a breathy, shrill voice.

"Oh, don't quote Twilight," groaned Donna.

"I was..? Urgh. Sorry," he said, "It's a habit. Quoting things at random."

"It's..." Mr Oswald drew their attention again, "Bigger on the inside!"


	66. Clara's Father Sinks The Ship

**AN: Yes, I promised chapters on Tuesday. But we were delayed 6 hours, so I only got home at 10, from 5 days away, I didn't even have energy to shower or unpack or make a brew. So I couldn't update, apologies. And I don't know if there will be up to Chapter 70 or not today. Also, I've realised a number of inconsistencies and continuities with River. So I'll just explain in this author's note and have this be the definition. River-hologram CAN eat and drink, but she doesn't NEED to; River-hologram is a solid entity, capable of touch; River-hologram can teleport throughout the TARDIS; River-hologram does not need to wash, but she enjoys calling dibs on the bathroom to annoy Eleven. And I'm slightly disappointed nobody found my Bioshock references in 'House Guests'. Finally: OMG GUYS I'M MISSING ROSE'S POV ALREADY GARGH! I ALSO REALLY MISS CLARA'S POV BECAUSE LESS FLUFF! I don't wanna change :( I'm thinking the next character will be the bridge between the two 'friend groups' which have emerged... so I can still write whouffle and Clara/Rose brotp.**

_Clara's Father Sinks The Ship_

"And that is what happened on Trenzalore," Eleven finished. Then - for dramatic effect - he threw his head onto the table and groaned. Clara laughed at him fondly.

"And this ship takes you everywhere..?" asked Mr Oswald incredulously. "Wherever you want to go?" They were all gathered in the kitchen - as usual. Rose wondered why they were always so drawn to that room. Probably because it held the kettle and the fridge. Speaking of the fridge and its contents, whouffle were also feeding eachother from a bunch of grapes they'd found somewhere. (**AN: Yes, it's random, but I don't care, because for some reason this scene didn't feel right without them feeding grapes to the other**)

"Well, most of the time," said Ten. "Sometimes we get dropped off in a random place. Sometimes we get dropped off at totally the wrong place."

"Oh?" he prompted.

"Once I wanted to go to 1989, ended up in 1889 and met Queen Victoria. Another time I wanted to go to New York, ended up in London. Nothing too serious."

"There was the time we ended up in Yorkshire instead of London, the -"

"The time you accidentally travelled twelve months into the future when you said twelve hours minutes?" Rose said to Nine, who opened his mouth to complete, with a completely innocent look on his face, but Amy interrupted.

"That's nothing, once he said five minutes and came back in twelve years. Then he went away again and another two years passed!"

"Amelia! I thought we were past this," Eleven argued back with her.

"What about the time when we were supposed to be going to Vegas, and we ended up on a Russian submarine in the Cold War?" Clara said, then, when he tried to argue, she aimed a grape straight into his mouth and giggled.

"You make me sick," Rose said to them both, shaking her head, and slurping a smoothie Tentoo had conjoured from somewhere and put in front of her. Clara just smiled sickeningly sweetly and ate the grape Eleven had retaliated with.

"I think they're making extra effort," Mickey whispered to Rose and Tentoo.

"Just one question," Mr Oswald asked his daughter who (though notably with difficulty) snapped herself out of her romance-trance and looked his way. "What happened to your eye?" Everyone had just taken Clara's black eye with a grain of salt. The truth was, over the past six days, Clara's eye had grown worse (that was the day they went to prehistoric Earth) and turned completely purple, and was now on its way to natural healing. Eleven didn't look happy about having to allow this.

"Um... Well... It's all a blur," she said, "I don't really know." Her father frowned, and Amy burst out laughing. Clara went red, even though the most embarassing part in this story was Mickey's.

"What _really_ happened?" he asked quizzically.

"When we went to Vegas," Amy began, "Mickey - who's over there" she pointed to him "-was so drunk he got a job as a stripper. Of course, Martha - his wife - was furious about this, so she tried to punch him in the face, and, well, _missed_."

"And then, Clara tried hitting her back in a fight, but the Doctor tried to stop them and she punched _him _in the face instead. Then they got married," Rose finished.

"So he had a bruise on his face?" asked Mr Oswald.

"That's not all he had on his face," snorted Donna, causing everyone else to laugh. "He had-"

"No, no, no. All of you, shut up," said Clara angrily.

"I, er, think I'll be going then. You all look happy," said Mr Oswald. It was getting late, and Rose got the feeling that just because he was amazed by the TARDIS didn't mean he liked the Doctor, or the facts of his daughter's relationship.

"We could take you somewhere, on an adventure, if you-" Eleven offered.

"No, no," Rory said, "Not after the last time with my Dad."

"Don't get peoples' families involved," Martha warned Eleven. Rose wondered what had happened to Martha to make her seem so threatening when she wanted to be. Clara made to get up and get away from Eleven and his handful of grapes.

"No, no. You don't need to get up, just stay with your boyfriend," he said.

"Husband," she corrected, trying not to sound cold. Nevertheless, she gave him a hug and lead him (with help from Rory, in case the TARDIS created a maze to trap them) out of the TARDIS. She returned within moments to Eleven.

"Missed you," said Eleven.

"For Christ's sakes, she was only gone for ten seconds!" Rose said, trying to ignore them eskimo kissing. "You are incorrigible." They smiled like it was a compliment. "Should I have said insufferable?" Then they started - just to get on Rose's nerves - actually kissing.

"This is worse than when you were fighting!" Nine grumbled. Rose slammed down her smoothie and she and Tentoo skulked away to their room, a few (including Nine, Mickey, Donna, Jack and Jenny) trailing back too.

"God, they're annoying," muttered Rose.

"They're not that -"

"If you'd been here from the start when they completely denied everything," muttered Rose, "and then through them getting together and keeping it a secret, and then the fighting, and now _this_, you'd..." But she trailed off on sight of what the TARDIS had created and left on the now double bed. Two paint ball guns.

"Would it be wrong to-"

"Yes," said Tentoo sternly, "It would be very wrong indeed."

"But they're being-"

"They don't deserve to be attacked!"

"They bloody well-"

"PAINT FIGHT!" yelled Jack. Of course he'd be the one to start it. Rose and Tentoo dove for cover as the back wall of their room was now plastered with paintballs.

"This is war, Jack!" Tentoo shouted back. He ran for one of the guns, threw the other to Rose, and they ran out as the paintballing tag-team of parallel Earth, yelling battle cries. Unfortunately for them, they were up against Jack, Mickey, Martha, River and Jenny, all of whom were very experienced with firearms, and also very good at using them.

"Ha! Gotcha!" Martha shouted, running past Rose and hitting her arm with one of the pellets. In a rage, Rose barely aimed and shot at her. To her delight, Martha shrieked as her bum was now electric blue. "I'll get you for that, Tyler!"

"Come at me, Jones!" she yelled back, diving and rolling past her. Of course, Rose, too, was trained in combat. She worked at Torchwood back home, combat skills were nessescary.

She pelted down the corridor and tried to cover her head with her hands as she burst into the kitchen, remarkably being the first there. Apparently, whouffle had not heard the commotion at all, and were still lip-locked. Rose aimed and fired and hit her mark, getting both of their mouths in a single shot.

"WHAT THE HE-" Clara began, but Martha appeared, aimed for Rose, fired, Rose dived, Clara's eye was in the way. She was down, and Eleven was distraught, but the fight didn't stop. Once the adrenaline kicked in, there was nothing you could do. In defense of Clara, Rose fired twice at Martha, hitting her in the shoulder and the cheek, but then there was heat on her forehead and she staggered back as Jenny fired around the corner. Rose and Martha both dazed, Jack went on to shoot Eleven three times in the back of his head. Thankfully, Clara didn't look nearly as injured as Rose first thought. It hadn't been a direct -

"Ow!" Her thoughts cut off when Jack caught her unawares with a shot to her knee. Tentoo jumped into her defence and got Jack right in his nose, breaking it and splattering his face sickly green.

There was a door suddenly on the other side of the kitchen. Rose and Tentoo made a break for it, Rose trying to ignore the searing pain when somebody caught the back of her neck, even though she staggered forward a way and fell into Tentoo's back, but he helped her as they ended up in a giant arena. Which then spun around, with Rose, Tentoo, Jack and Martha caught in the spin.

No longer were they at the kitchen door. Now they were in a crook in one of the walls, bathed in green light. Before them, on a podium, were four plastic, green, flashing bracelets.

"We're in teams. This is brilliant fun!" said Tentoo, fixing Rose's bracelet to her arm. "Green team!"

"Reminds me of the Family," commented Martha.

"Hmm... Well... I suppose," he said.

"Reminds me of the Capitol," said Jack.

"How do we know who wins?" asked Rose. Tentoo didn't answer, instead he attempted to peer over one of the walls. He grinned.

"It's a maze. First one to the middle, I'm guessing," he said. "Come on! We're first in."


	67. This Isn't Harry Potter

**AN: This next scene (I won't say plot, it's not really a plot to be honest) is based on an idea my best friend (whose fanfiction url is Theatre-In-My-Blood)(she writes Phantine, Druna, Valduggery and Mortal Instruments if anyone's interested). This is just a short and hopefully funny and pretty random thing :)**

_This Is War, Not Harry Potter_

There was a shift underfoot and Rose stumbled slightly.

"Careful," said Tentoo very quietly, "part of the maze just spun. It's changing, to give everyone a fair - or unfair - chance."

"Should we wait til it stops changing?" asked Jack.

"Might not. Let's not take a chance," he said. The walls were about seven foot high, the whole place was dark, the only lights were those on their bracelets, which were dark green and kept flashing, so they were little help at anything other than alerting the others of their location. They went in and out of corridors and down pathways, having no clue where they were going because it was so huge they couldn't even see the walls as a reference point.

At last, they found some protective gear. There were enough shoulder pads, shin pads, knee pads and elbow pads for everyone. But only three helmets. Obviously, Jack, since he couldn't die, went without, but the choice might be difficult Actually he went without any safety gear at all. Rose couldn't blame him, it was very uncomfortable.

"So, the TARDIS is making us play paintball?" said Rose.

"Who bets Clara hasn't got a gun?" said Martha, snorting with laughter.

"You know you could've blinded her?" Rose said angrily. She was beginning to get annoyed at Martha.

"You're one to talk," said Martha.

"Er, I hit them in the mouth..._s_," she added the s after thinking.

"The Doctor wouldn't've let her go blind anyway," said Martha.

"Shh, we could be being followed," whispered Tentoo. Rose rolled her eyes - not that he could see in the naff lighting. He was holding her hand as they walked through the dark, holding his gun in his left hand. She wondered if the Doctor was ambidexterous... Then she shook the thought from her mind because it was completey irrelevant.

Then they saw blue lights. They ducked left, hoping to avoid whoever was there.

"I swear I saw something," said Amy. Rose distinctly heard two pairs of footsteps.

"I didn't," said Rory.

"I did," said River, "something green. And voices." Rose covered her bracelet with her hand, the others did the same as they slowly backed up from the Ponds. Apparently hologram-River didn't make footsteps. That was an annoying advantage.

They managed to slip around the corner and away before they were found. That could have been messy. They kept walking in silence, following Jack's lead. He was scouting ahead of them, but then, when he passed on corner, he darted back and dragged them into one of the crooks in the wall.

"Reds," he breathed, Rose only just able to hear him he was so quiet.

"Careful, wifey," whispered Eleven. Rose rolled her eyes. As if that wasn't a giveaway or anything.

"Shut up!" Jenny hissed back. They were awfully loud. But then, as the reds closed in on one side, there were even more voices. The greens were completely cornered. They readied their weapons. Rose hoped maybe they'd see eachother in the darkness and miss the hiding greens, going off fighting one another.

"This is so bloody stupid," muttered Donna.

"I know! Your damn box, making -" Mickey started.

"Shut up about her!" Nine argued back.

"And we're yellow! Such a rubbish colour," Donna complained.

"Did you hear something?" said Ten from the other side. That was everyone accounted for. On the green team were Rose, Tentoo, Jack and Martha; on the blue team were Amy, Rory and River; on the red team were Eleven, Clara, Jenny and Ten and on the yellow team were Donna, Mickey and Nine. And war was about to break out, with Rose in the middle. As usual.

"What was that?" said Donna.

"There wasn't-" Eleven began.

"Shhh," said Ten.

"No, I definitely heard something," said Donna.

"I heard it too," said Mickey.

"Do you hear those voices?" whispered Jenny.

"There are voices?" asked Clara.

"I heard that one," said Nine. "Round the corner."

"They're coming round the corner," said Ten.

"Better get away," said Eleven.

"Quick, run after them!" ordered Nine.

"Brace yourselves!" said Ten. Both teams leapt out on either side of the greens, and then they started yelling and shooting manically. Clara (who must have got some combat ability from one of her echoes) hit all four of them with bullseyes straight away. Jenny rolled and shot under Mickey's chin, Donna shot straight back and hit her in the ear. She collapsed, deafened, and Ten ran forwards, but Eleven misfired and hit his past self in the back. Ten turned around, angry and distracted. Jenny had broken their lines without them realising, Nine and Donna both took shots to their heads from her and Mickey hit Ten. Nine and Donna collapsed to the ground and then vanished in a haze of yellow glow Rose recognised as the TARDIS teleport. Jenny shot Mickey once in his back, then he turned and took a shot in his neck and another right in his forehead, before also vanishing. The yellows were down. The greens were hidden.

"Well, that was... fun..." muttered Eleven.

"Says you, idiot!" Ten snapped. He'd been in a bad mood lately, and Rose couldn't help but think it was because of Tentoo's arrival.

A passageway had appeared opposite the greens' hiding place, which was thankfully the way Jenny decided to take them. They kept shouting a eachother until something happened. Ten and Eleven were both hit with something, right in their faces, causing them to also vanish in red pixels. Rose couldn't lie, even though he wasn't dead it hurt Rose to see him teleported. She wondered what he'd felt when she'd been teleported by the Anne Droid on Satalite 5.

"Blues!" Jenny shouted. She must have hit someone because there was a flash of blue from around the corner.

"Oh, he's always first to bloody die!" said Amy. So, Rory was out. Then, Jack decided he was going to play the hero. He aimed for Clara and shot, but she looked and ducked just in time.

"Greens! Four of them!" she stated to Jenny, who seemed to be duelling the mother-and-daughter combo with a paintgun.

"Get them then!" she said to Clara, who fired straight at Martha with a string of 3 pellets (presumably in revenge for the underwear-thing), every single one of them hitting her in the face.

The blues pushed Jenny around the corner into view. Rose was shooting almost blindly for any of the four of them, but she missed by a lot. Her aim was terrible right then. Jenny hit River, who - despite being a hologram - was beamed away too.

"NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BI-"

"This isn't Harry Potter!" Clara cut across the screeching Amy. Rose missed again and Clara's pellet whistled past her ear, making Tentoo vanish in a green gliw behind her. It was Jack and Rose vs. Clara and Jenny vs. Amy. Jenny turned, shot for Jack, Jack dodged, but Amy caught Jenny off-guard and she vanished. Jack was so distracted by the momentary and fake loss of his girlfriend he let down his own guard and Clara claimed another kill. Then, without Rose or Amy shooting her, Clara vanished. Obviously the TARDIS's doing.

And then all the walls sank to the ground in less than a second and Rose dodged another bullet, and there, in tbe middle, was-

"A cup of tea?!" they both exclaimed, frowning. But it was clearly a race. Rose's gun had ceased up and stopped firing. She threw it at Amy in a last-ditch attempt at throwing er off and then started sprinting.

"This is _so _Goblet of Fire!" Amy shouted, running after her. They were neck and neck, but Rose knew she could win... she pushed and pushed, and then jumped, and Amy jumped, and they both touched it, and vanished.

They reappeared sprawled out on the floor in... a huge lounge?


	68. Captain Souffle

**AN: Okay so here is some whouffle fluff that a bunch of you have been asking for :) Have you ever had the urge to write fanfiction of your own fanfiction? I totally wanna write more whouffle fluff, but I can't just slot in random chapters in Clara's POV. (UNLESS YOU GUYS WANT ME TO BECAUSE IF YOU DO I'LL JUST SAY F*** CONTINUITY HAVE SOME WHOUFFLE ONE-SHOTS INTERMIXED WITH AN ALREADY ESTABLISHED FIC. JUST SAY THE WORD AND I'LL DO IT). And just so you know, there are a lot of random and very minor references now in not just the speech. 50 points to the house of whoever can get them all. Finally, I apologise for my dreaful proofreading.**

_Captain Souffle_

It was like what you'd typically expect from the living room of a hunting lodge. There was a huge, roaring fireplace on one wall. In front of the ginormous hearth were four large sofas arranged in a semi circle around it. On the opposite wall was a kitchen. All the surfaces and appliances were there and the floor morphed into blue tiles when the kitchen appeared, and on the floor was a huge fourteen-seat dining table. Rose made a note that was enough chairs for Clara, but she thought it likely whatever chair Clara chose would fall apart when she tried to sit on it. _I'm sure she wouldn't mind sitting on the Doctor's knee_, she thought smugly to herself, smirking vengefully. There were stairs on the other wall of the room leading to a door, and on the wall on the left side of the hearth was a second door, and the third door was on a wall on its own, apart from a computer built into the door.

And Amy and Rose had just appeared out of nowhere on the floor, being watched by twelve other equally confused people, who were stood, now free of any paint injuries and armour, staring about. Well, not _everyone_ was injury free.

"Ow! Get off my eye!" Clara said. Rose got to her feet in time to see her smacking his hand away from her face.

"Please, wifey! Let me save you!" he said.

"That line only works once, Chin. And I'm not _dying_, it's a black eye. A really sore black eye, but still."

"I can't stand seeing you hurt," he said.

"I'll be fine," she said slowly, "I just need some ice."

"I'll get you ice!" he darted off to the kitchen. Clara turned to face Rose, and she flinched at the sight of her friend's bloody eye. Her actual eye was bloodshot but looked more or less undamaged, but the space it had hit was right next to her left eye, and it was already purpling and slightly yellow-tinged in places.

"Are you okay?" Rose asked. "Can't we stop off somewhere and get some _trustworthy _medicine?"

"_I'm _trustworthy medicine!" Eleven complained.

"Don't waste your regeneration energy on her," said River bitterly. Clara's expression had been one of modesty about the pain she was in and exasperation at her husband, but it quickly changed to that of anger and slight confusion.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Clara asked.

"Nothing," said River, though she made a point to not look at Clara, like she wasn't worth her time.

"Play nice," Eleven called over. Rose could tell he didn't want to get caught in conflict between River and Clara. Rose had thought they'd been getting on well. Clara glared at River and skulked off to Eleven, who was fumbling with an icecube tray.

"Right then," said Donna, breaking the edgy silence, "let's see where these doors go." Rose rejoined Tentoo and they headed up the stairs, Jack and Jenny following behind.

"Sorry for killing you, Jenny," Amy called up the stairs, she was heading to the lonely door.

"It's fine, all's fair in love and war," she said.

"Jeez, do all Time Lords quote things at random intervals?" muttered Jack. Jenny playfully hit him in the arm. Rose opened the door and peered through into the silver and blue console she'd first been introduced to when she arrived. Shame. She definitely preferred the spacious orange one.

"Console's up here," she said as they trooped back down the wooden steps into the strange lodge area the TARDIS had built them.

"Just toilets," said Donna.

"This is the bedroom corridor," said Amy about the one next to the hearth. Rose peered past her to see it definitely all resembled a hunting lodge. She did hope the bedrooom interiors looked the same though. "Speaking of bedrooms, I'm shattered," she added.

Everyone murmured agreement.

"Well I'm hungry," said Clara, "We'll stay here." Nobody objected to whouffle being left alone in a room together, they all filed out accordingly and Rose went for a well-earned shower. Thankfully, the bedrooms did look the same.

LBRK

Rose awoke at one o'clock in the morning, after just two hours of sleep. She didn't know what had awoken her at such an early hour, and she didn't particularly want to dwell on that considering whouffle were sharing the next room. She got up and struggled blindly in her tired state towards the bathroom for a drink only to find there were no cups in the bathroom. She let out a pitiful groan and shuffled off towards the kitchen in search of liquid.

But she stopped dead when she heard voices and laughing, and it seemed whouffle were not, in fact, sharing the next room. Because they were in the lounge, and Rose couldn't help but listen in for as long as she dared until she had to quench her thirst.

"My eye will be fine," Clara said exasperatedly, but she didn't sound annoyed.

"I just hate not being able to see both of your eyes," said Eleven sadly.

"It's all puffy, do you really want to see it?" she asked.

"It's still beautiful," he said softly.

"Really? But it's all nasty and yellow," she said disbelievingly. Rose blinked and looked back at the door, and a peephole had suddenly appeared. Rose didn't look through it though, that would be a terrible violation of privacy. She still had _some_ respect for Clara.

"Well if you let me make it better-"

"Hang on, you're saying it's not beautiful now?" she interrogated. He couldn't tell she was just winding him up, which made it even funnier as he stumbled over his words.

"What? No-"

"So you only like me when I've been hit in the face?!"

"Of course not!"

"So you don't like me at all?! I thought we had something special..." Rose heard her obviously fake crying, but Eleven was worried out of his mind.

"Wifey, don't cry... You're _always_ beautiful, even when you had bed hair last week and you wouldn't let me go downstairs with messy hair," said Eleven, "why wouldn't you let me do that?" Rose was listening intently now, and leant up to peer a them, upon realised she didn't really have any respect for Clara's privacy anymore, and she wasn't sure Clara even cared at this point. They were sat next to eachother on the dining table drinking tea, an empty grape stalk in front of them.

"Because, Chin," she reached up and ruffled his hair, "people get ideas."

"Ideas? Like what?" he asked. Clara was laughing at him as she spoke.

"Ideas that it's not bed hair," she said, slurping her tea, "ideas that it's sex hair." He gasped and turned as red as a bell pepper. Clara burst out laughing.

"No! They wouldn't think that!" he argued.

"They would and they did, even without the messy hair."

"But the real question," said Rose, only now choosing to make her entrance. Clara jumped, clearly not expecting anyone else to be up at one in the morning. "Is _was _it bed hair or sex hair?"

"It was bed hair, Rose," said Clara darkly. "And what about your hair? What's that?" Rose ran a hand through her hair to see how bad it was, only to find it was still damp and she also couldn't actually run a hand through her hair.

"This is a new look I'm going for, I call it _being woken up at one o'clock in the morning by your friend and her husband having a romantic discussion_ hair," she said, doing a TV-worthy hair flick.

"We didn't wake you up," said Clara, "we've only been up for twenty minutes. Well, I've only been up for twenty minutes. He didn't sleep," she added pointedly.

"So... what's being noisy?"

"I think you mean who're being noisy. And the answer is Jack's snuck into Jenny's room, which is on the other side of our room."

"Ah. I might get a cup of tea then and stay here for a bit," said Rose. "Or am I interrupting something? Nice eyepatch, by the way," she commented on her way over to the kettle. Clara scowled, but the big white cotton patch across half her face made her expression quite hard to read.

"If you say one think about my eye-"

"Alright, calm down. Don't wanna give yourself scurvey."

"You can't give yourself scurvey," said Eleven.

"He's gonna have to start calling you matey," said Rose to Clara, who gasped, and searched around for a convenient pillow to lob.

"_Shut up_! I am not his mate!" she said.

"Aren't you?" he asked. She gasped again and Rose started laughing.

"No I am not your 'mate', we're not lions!"

"Nah, you're sea dogs," said Rose. "So, do you two sleep in a bed, or in a hammock?"

"Stop it," growled Clara.

"Oh, I've got one, what was the movie Clara went to see at the cinema rated?"

"Not this-"

"_Ar_!" said Rose.

"If you don't stop, I'll-"

"Stab me with your cutlass?"

"No, I'll-"

"Feed me to the kraken?"

"_No_-"

"Make me walk the plank?"

"Actually, pirates didn't walk the-"

"Just shut it!" Clara said to both of them.

"Your ship could be called 'The Impossible Girl'," said Rose.

"Actually, it could be. Black Bart still owes me a favour, you see, and-"

"Don't join in!" Clara ordered him.

"It could have been worse, it could have been your right eye," said Rose.

"Sorry?" Clara was confused.

"Well, would you rather be Pirate Clara or Raccoon Clara?"

"Just shut up! At least I'm not... blonde!"

"Ooh, good comeback," said Rose, finishing making her tea. "I'll just leave you love-parrots to it." She walked out and went back into her own room to get some proper sleep - though she asked the TARDIS on the way in to soundproof the bedroom walls.


	69. Your New Wife Still Has A Black Eye

**AN: Urgh, so I was sat on a bench finishing this chapter yesterday morning outside because our minibus broke down so we were delayed about 6 hours leaving, but yeah, you have your chapter fix for the last few days, and lots of whouffle. And if anyone's worried, no, they have not fallen out again. And the River meanness was requested.**

_Your New Wife Still Has A Black Eye_

Rose awoke at 8 o'clock that morning to the sound of Tentoo's snoring. She didn't plan on going back to sleep, so she jabbed his stomach with her elbow as he had his arms wrapped around her.

"Huh... Wha?" he grunted.

"Wakey wakey, rise and shine," she said to him.

"I hate needing to sleep..." he grumbled.

"You say that every morning," said Rose, "come on, Clara's a pirate."

"Eh?" he questioned as she pulled him up to his feet, "pirate?"

"You'll see," said Rose, leading him outside (though she stopped to brush her hair on the way out, unlike last night). Truthfully, Rose hadn't expected Clara or Eleven to be up so early - she didn't know what escapades they'd got up to during the night. But, there they were, along with Donna, Martha and Nine.

"Ahoy!" Rose said to Clara. The other three laughed.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" said Clara. "You got him started last night you know." She addressed Eleven, who was being given the cold shoulder.

"I only-"

"'Only'' nothing! You tried to make the duvet into a main sail!" she said.

"Yeah, but-"

"And then you flooded the bathroom!"

"Yeah, just to-"

"And you hid all my clothes and made a map!" she exclaimed.

"You found them," he said, defending himself.

"Yeah, in the freezer!"

"What's all this I hear about pirates?" asked Amy, she and Rory appearing. "We met pirates once. They're not pleasant."

"Hear that, Clara? You're not pleasant," said Rose.

"I'm also not a pirate!"

"Sure? You definitely look the part," said River, popping up using her weird Child-Of-The-TARDIS teleport powers, "Ugly enough, too." There were mass objections to River's words - following a tense silence where everyone exchanged a warning look with everyone else - which weren't even a joke, it was just downright insulting. "What? I'm just saying that with her matted hair, waxy skin, black teeth and warty face she could easily be mistaken for a pirate."

"That's out of order," said Rose.

"Go to your room," Amy said to River.

"You can't tell me what to do!"

"Yes I can, I am your mother. Now... go away," Amy gave orders uneasily. She wasn't used to being a mother, clearly. Rose had never even had the facts of how River was born explained to her properly. She flickered away, glowering.

"I'll take off the bloody patch then!" declared Clara, reaching up and starting to peel it away.

Her eye was so much worse looking than it had been yesterday. It was so puffed up and swollen you couldn't actually see her eye, and it was all black past her eyebrow and level with the bottom of her nose, save for the actual place of impact which was weeping puss and blood quite badly.

"You've let it get infected!" said Martha, she and Rory instinctively rushing over as Donna looked away, gagging.

"What? How bad is it?" Clara asked. She almost touched it, but Martha pulled her hand away and lead her up the stairs to the console room.

"Need someone with us to fly the thing," Martha said when no Time Lords automatically followed her. Tentoo was up the stairs before Nine could even think about it.

"Come on, Rose! It'll be like old times!" he said happily. Rose sighed and followed him and Clara up the stairs into the cold, metallic console room she didn't like. "Right, where're we going?"

"A hospital," said Rory patronisingly.

"Not New New York," said Rose, shivering at the memory of Cassandra stealing her body and the zombie-like diseased people.

"It's a good hospital," said Tentoo, pouting.

"But it's not, is it? Go a few thousand years into the future," said Rose, "to a decent hospital."

"Oh, alright..." he grumbled, flicking levers and pushing buttons to get them into flight. "Er... How about 65th century? Sound good?"

"Anywhere she can fix her eye," said Martha, speaking for Clara, who seemed to be on the verge of fainting after seeing her reflection somewhere. "No, don't touch it!" Martha had to keep telling her.

"Here we go," said Tentoo. They shook a little upon landing, but otherwise it had been one of the smoothest flights in the TARDIS she'd ever been on. Martha and Rory made Clara put her patch back on as they lead the depth-perceptionless girl out of the spaceship into the lobby of a futuristic, completely white and spotless hospital.

"Hello!" Tentoo swaggered up to the person behind the desk. And the person wasn't a person. They were a cat. Rose groaned, she recognised the layout.

"You lied about where we're going!" she moaned.

"Yep, best hospital around, this," he replied as she swung he arms in a tantrum like a toddler. Clara was still looking distraught, and Martha and Rory were having to hold her hands to stop her prodding her infection. "A decade after the, er, incident. Perfectly safe. So, got a patient here for you." Clara was pulled forwards by Martha and Rory. "Bit of an eye infection, paintballing incident yesterday, no medicine at home."

"Welcome," said the cat, "if you'll just head through to our pharmacy we have tablet for that."

"Doesn't she need a prescription?" asked Martha, confused.

"Heavens no, not for something like that. Over-the-counter, all completely fine," the cat smiled and waved them to the right of where they were standing into a place which looked to be a café. A string of signs above the doorway clarified it was indeed a café, but that through it was the pharmacy. They lead the invalid gingerly through, and Rose had to stop Tentoo from getting himself a biscuit.

Within ten minutes they were back on the TARDIS, but Clara was still too dazed to even notice when Eleven hugged her and spun her around in a circle.

"Wifey! Did you get medicine?" he asked. She didn't speak, instead trying to touch her face again. This time Martha slapped her hand.

"Yes, she did get medicine," Martha replied, "and we"- she indicated herself and Rory -"are keeping watch on her, since we can't trust you." And with that they lead her away, to be returned a while later when she was healthy and less entranced.


	70. Doctor Who?

**AN: Okay, so I've had a busy week, alright? I keep ending up going to places and not being able to write so yeah it's Saturday I haven't updated for like 3 days I apologise, I spent Thursday night watching movies (Sinister and The Purge) and talking about different apocolypses and playing would you rather. So here we are. Rose's last storyline begins now. Originally I wasn't going to do this plotline just yet, but I thought it would definitely suit Rose best, and I have a good one sorted for when I'm breaking in Donna's viewpoint, because unless I get a whole bunch of people demanding Tentoo, it's gonna be her. Even though I'm REALLY toying with the idea of just switching back to Clara even though I know a lot of you guys wouldn't like that at all. (But I really want to and well... I suppose it is MY fic... And if you've dealt with 36 chapters of Clara already you can't hate her...)**

_Doctor Who?_

It was just after eleven o'clock in the morning that Clara emerged again, finally healed. Rose barely recognised her with healed eyes. Eleven appeared to have some sort of heart attack and liven up considerably. Thankfully, they didn't start kissing so hard the only way to break them up was with a well-aimed paintball.

But whouffle were the least of their worries when suddenly the TARDIS jerked so suddenly Rose fell into Tentoo, all the chairs on the free side of the table toppled over and the lights flickered and flashed. Then they started spinning.

"Come on! Console room!" shouted Ten, directing everyone up the stairs and into the entrance of the ship. Rose wobbled about like crazy on the single-file staircase but she finally burst through the doors with Tentoo pulling her along.

"What's happening?!" she yelled at Ten.

"I... I don't know!" he said, standing at a panel. Tentoo darted for another, and the others who could fly the TARDIS joined him around it. There were Ten, Nine, Eleven, Tentoo, Clara and River all desperately trying to steer it.

"We're crashing!" said Nine, "In... In... Oh no..."

"Where?!" Rose shrieked.

"1941!" he said.

"But that's-"

"I know!"

"We were-"

"I know!"

"But 1941, that's a whole year. We were only there for one night, it can't be the same..." Rose saw the dark look on his face.

"It is."

"No way, you're kidding? The TARDIS is flying herself back into your timestream!" Jack said, emerging from the stairs.

"I thought we fixed this stupid th- OW!" yelped Clara, about to scathe the TARDIS when she got an electric shock.

"I'll take over," said Jack, taking her shoulders and moving her to the side like an inanimate object. She didn't notice, she was examining her burn.

"Wifey-"

"No, you're not healing it," she said to Eleven, pulling her hand out of his reach. Rose ignored them both, thinking it was completely impossible for them not to be annoying in some way all the time.

Then they impacted. Rose was thrown straight onto the ground as things exploded everywhere, sparks flew overhead and there was a hissing harmonising with the ringing in her ears. She was blinded by the hit. She tried to sit up but she no longer knew where anything was. Somebody was helping her to her feet - she had no idea who, but her head was spinning with dizziness.

* * *

"...Rose? Are you alright?" said a familiar voice after some amount of time. Had she been knocked out completely? Her face was cold now and the air smelt damp and metallic and dirty.

"Rose, can you see me?" said a different voice. She tried to see, but there were just lights and blobs and her eyes swam. She tried to shake her head but it was throbbing. "Right. Severe concussion, we can't move her."

"But we've got to move her," said the first voice, "the raid will start in a minute, and I'm gonna run out of those doors and see her!"

"Cover her in tarpaulin or something," said a third voice with a distinct accent.

"She's not a corpse," argued a fourth, clearly male voice, "and tarp won't stop bombs. She's in danger here, and so is Clara." Rose registered the name Clara as something, but she didn't know who Clara was.

"We're in the middle of blitz, she's in danger everywhere," said the second voice.

"Just move her! If I see her, the time lines could corrupt!" said the first voice, "look, here's the black and white cat, we've got seconds, Martha!"

"Alright, fine!" snapped the second voice, apparently Martha. At once Rose was being grabbed by multiple pairs of hands and she was being moved. Her head pounded from the motion, and she was vaguely aware of a siren blaring from somewhere, the sound blocking everything else out, even the throbbing she was hearing in her mind. Then everything was darker and the moving stopped. Then everything kept getting darker.

* * *

"Can you hear me?" said a voice. Rose opened her eyes. She didn't remember closing them, but everything swam into focus. Someone was sat next to her, watching her. A young, dark skinned girl with kind eyes. Across the room were three more figures. Another girl, sat up, with a big bloody bruise over her left eye and dark brown hair. She was awake and resting against a man with dark, floppy hair and a huge chin, wearing tweed and a bow tie with strangely ancient eyes. The fourth figure was chatting to them. He had dark blond hair, but that was all Rose could tell as he had his back turned.

"Yeah," said Rose. The woman looked relieved.

"Oh thank god, we were getting worried," she said, "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Err... Three?" questioned Rose, but her double vision was swimming.

"Okay, and now?"

"Four."

"And now?"

"One."

"Right," she said. The others had looked over. The blond man and the woman shared a worried look. The other two, blatantly a couple, frowned. "Okay, tell me your full name."

"Rose Tyler," said Rose.

"And your mother's full name?"

"Jacqueline Suzette Andrea Tyler," said Rose.

"What's her maiden name?"

"Prentice."

"What's your father's full name?"

"Peter Alan Tyler," said Rose.

"Where do you live?"

"The Powell Estate, in London. Sorry, where am I?" she asked.

"Well, you're in London," said the woman edgily. "But that's not important. Now, what's my name?"

"I don't know, I've never seen you before in my life," said Rose.

"Right... What's his name?" she pointed to the blond man, who Rose now saw as having a rather large nose. Rose shrugged. "And his name?" she pointed to the bow tie wearer. Rose shrugged again. "And her name?" she pointed at the woman.

"I don't know, I don't know any of you. There was an explosion..."

"Yes?" the woman prompted, looking hopeful.

"At Henrick's... and then I was here," she said.

"Henrick's?" said a voice Rose recognised from somebody sat in the corner out of her peripheral vision.

"Mickey! What's going on!?" she tried to get up but the woman was holding her down. "Get off! He's my boyfriend!" Mickey looked alarmed.

"That was in 2005, Rose, eight years ago... Kinda," said Mickey. Eight years?! "Probably more actually."

"What the hell are you talking about?!" Rose demanded.

"I'm Martha Jones," said the woman, "this is Rory Williams, Clara Oswald -"

"_Oswin_ Oswald," corrected the bow tie man.

"You're the only one who calls me that, you know," said the woman, apparently called Clara.

"Shush," Martha snapped at them, "and that's the Eleventh Doctor. Call him Husbandy."

"Oi!" said the Eleventh Doctor. Clara laughed at him, "it's not funny, wifey!"

"What?" Rose asked. 'Wifey'?

"Ignore them," said Martha, "Clara can't keep her eye uninjured for more than ten minutes anyway." Clara was about to retort when two other men burst through the door to the building. One of them was young with great-looking brown hair, the second was older and wearing a leather jacket.

"Rose, you're alright!" said the first one. Rose jumped back, shocked, when he tried to kiss her. Martha pulled him back. "Rose?"

"Sorry, but-" Martha began.

"Rose, what's wrong?"

"Some stranger just tried to kiss me, that's what's bloody wrong!"

"But it's me, the Doctor," he said.

"The Doctor? Doctor Who?"


	71. A Phonecall

**AN: OKAY OKAY! So I've decided. The POV will switch back to Clara, BUT only for two major plotlines, which - including the mid-adventure breaks I like to do - should be roughly 15 chapters, maybe even less. THEN I promise it will go to Donna and I'll even keep it in her viewpoint for longer than 36 chapters. Unless I write her awfully. I just really wanna write some whouffle fluff. And giving Rose amnesia was a bad decision... Do you know how boring writing someone with amnesia is?**

_A Phonecall_

"Me, the Tenth Doctor's clone, Tentoo, John Smith? The 900 year old Time Lord from Gallifrey with the blue box? Your husband?" he said.

"Are you like a crazy person?" He looked like he was about to cry.

"What about me, do you know me?" said the man in the leather jacket. He looked familiar, but Rose still couldn't place him.

"I..." she garbled.

"I was at Henrick's, there were aut- Er, students. You were looking for Wilson, I pulled off a dummy's arm and blew up the shop," he said.

"I don't know what you're talking about, go away! All of you!" she was yelling and she was furious but she didn't know why. Martha took the newcomers away, though the youngest of them both was clearly crying, but too weak to put up a fight. The elder was shouting though, saying that he could save her. Mickey was helping Martha drag them out, in the moonlight Rose saw the flash of a golden band around his ring finger. He stayed outside with them.

"Are you okay?" Clara asked her.

"Wifey, let Martha talk to her," said the bow tie.

"No. In case you're forgetting I do know what it's like to have people tell you things about yourself when you have no idea what they're talking about. Only I won't push her off a cliff," Clara snapped at him.

"If only she had a watch with her consciousness in it we could just open," Martha said. Rose had no idea what she was talking about.

"What happened to your eye?" Rose asked Clara, whose expression turned sour.

"Ask her," she pointed at Martha.

"Well it's your own fault, you shouldn't have been in the way!" Martha argued with her.

"_My_ fault!? How is it my fault?!"

"What's going on?!" Rose asked, it seemed they'd forgotten she was there. Bow Tie wasn't saying anything.

"We crash landed and she elbowed me. In the face," said Clara monotonally. "This is the third black eye I've had in eleven days."

"Well if you'd just let me-"

"No!" she shouted at him. "Besides, I'll get healed later tonight anyway."

"Why?" Martha asked.

"Because the air is filled with nanogenes," said Clara. Nanogenes?

"Only right now they're going around making people grow gas masks on their heads," said Bow Tie, "and I couldn't kiss you if you grew a gas mask," he added sweetly, smiling at her. They were constantly no more than an inch away from the other's face.

"And I'd also be convinced you were my mother," she said, trying to sound unflattered. It didn't work though, Rose noted, since Clara was blushing profusely.

"Where are we?" Rose asked again, breaking the spell that had collected over the couple. She had practically been able to hear the swelling, romantic music suddenly cutting off.

"It's London, 1941. We're in the middle of an air raid," said Clara darkly. Rose felt like she were in a dream. Yes, that must be it. She'd been in Henrick's and a gas main must have blown up, she must have a concussion or be in a coma or something and all this -

There were a string of explosions from outside and screams and shouts. The sounds of engines roaring overhead. The sounds of guns firing and bullets flying. The sounds of doors and windows slamming. The sounds of running footsteps escaping the danger. And Rose found herself believing them.

"We travelled in a time machine, called the TARDIS. A blue box. The Doctor stole it-"

"Borrowed," said Bow Tie, cutting across Clara.

"I was there, you stole it," she said, "I even told you to steal it. So he stole it and went to travel through time and space."

"But... where do I come into it?" Rose asked.

"He met you at Henrick's, saved the world from some living shop window dummies and asked you to come with him," said Clara.

"Yeah right. I'm just a shopgirl without A levels who lives with her mum," said Rose bitterly.

"I was just a medical student when he picked me up," said Martha.

"I'm just a nanny," said Clara.

"Donna's just a temp," said Martha.

"Amy was a kiss-o-gram," said Clara. "She's a model now."

"What about you?" Rose asked Bow Tie.

"I _am_ the Doctor. The Eleventh Doctor. Time Lords have this trick, to cheat death. We regenerate, and we get a new body. I'm the Eleventh incarnation. The man in the leather jacket is my Ninth incarnation, the Ninth Doctor. The other man is the clone of the Tenth incarnation, whom you married to."

"Clones? Regeneration? Marriage? No, I'd remember. Have you drugged me?" she asked, trying to find excuses for all the ridiculous things they were saying.

"I could show you how the regeneration energy works," said Eleven.

"No, you can't. You're not healing anybody, the nanogenes will do that in a few hours," she said. Suddenly there was a loud and distant scream from outside. For some reason it pricked Rose's interests. "That's you," said Clara.

"What do you mean 'that's me'?" frowned Rose.

"The TARDIS crashed in a place the Doctor has been before, with you," she said.

"You just fell off a building holding a rope attached to a blimp," said Eleven. "I'm on the phone to a little boy, and it's a rather important phonecall." _Phones_, Rose thought. She searched her pockets until she found something she didn't recognise. She examined it.

"It's your phone," Martha said.

"Doesn't look like a phone at all, let alone my phone," she said. It was black and smooth and there were only three buttons on its sides and another in the middle at the bottom.

"I have an idea," said Martha, taking it and clicking the button so it lit up. "Urgh. It's got a lock."

"Give us it," Clara said. Martha sighed and threw the thing across the room. Thankfully Clara managed to catch it and Eleven drew out... something? It was long and gold and pronged and it started whirring and lit up green. He pointed it at the 'phone', and Martha took it back from him.

"Thanks," she said, "Ah-ha, here we go. Calling your mother." Martha gave the thing to Rose. She could hear it ringing, and a few seconds later she heard her mother.

"Rose? You haven't called for days, are you alright?" Jackie asked.

"Mum?" she said.

"Yes?"

"There are these people," said Rose.

"What people? Where's the Doctor? Has he left you?" Jackie questioned. Rose dropped the phone. Martha caught it.

"Jackie? It's Martha... Well the TARDIS crashed, and she hit her head... No, not everything... She remembers the explosion at Henrick's, but it's blank from there... Yeah... He can, but it's not a good idea... We can get medicine once the TARDIS is fixed..." she laughed at something, "no, she only poisons people she doesn't like..." Clara was glaring behind pacing Martha.

"Shut up," she said.

"It's your own fault," said Martha, "sorry, nothing. Just Clara... Rose will be fine... If the nanogenes and the TARDIS don't work we can always take drastic action... I don't know! Someone'll think of something... Are you sure?.. Alright, alright!" Martha handed Rose the phone. She took it, but found herself unable to speak.

"Rose?"

"...M-mum?" she barely said.

"In 2005 a man called the Doctor blew up your job and you ran away with him. You came back a year later and nobody knew where you'd gone and I thought you were dead. There were these monsters in Downing Street that exploded when you threw vinegar at them. You almost died in a missile strike, then you left again and didn't come back til Christmas-"

"Why are you tell-"

"Just listen to me, Rose," said Jackie. "You went back in time to try and save your father, and you said goodbye. At Christmas the TARDIS crashed and the Doctor changed his face. You and Mickey were attacked by Santas and Christmas trees and Harriet Jones blew up a spaceship. Then you left again, you went to a parallel world and met Pete. You came back again, there were Daleks and Cybermen, but it wasn't safe in that universe so we travelled to a different one. You and the Doctor got separated, trapped in parallel Earth. You spent years trying to get him back until we built a dimension cannon and-" Rose finally figured out how to hang up, and did so.

**AN: You guys won't be angry at me if I don't keep the amnesia thing for long? It **_**seemed**_** like a good idea... but it's sort of dead in the water. And really quite boring, for everyone I imagine.**


	72. Don't Say Empty

**AN: So I keep meaning to say this but forgetting: Thank you to all of you who have followed from the start, started following in the middle and have just caught up with this insanely long fic and followed now, and to anyone reading this in the future who hopefully will follow :) Without you guys this fic wouldn't at all be what it is, because I wouldn't have all your suggestions and requests. And yes people, Donna and Nine can have a sass battle. Some time soon.**

_Don't Say Empty_

"What's wrong?" Martha asked her. Rose didn't speak.

"Why don't you show her?" Clara said to Eleven.

"Eh? Show her what?" he asked.

"Everything. That psychic trick Time Lords can do," she said. He just looked at her blankly and she sighed, "you know, Chin, sometimes you can be really thick."

"It's only cos he's around you," said Martha.

"Why would being around me make him thick?" she asked Martha.

"No idea, she's nothing special," said a woman's voice from outside. People started shouting outside and Eleven glared into space.

"Who was that?" Rose asked.

"Ex-wife," said Eleven grimly.

"Ignore her," Martha told Clara, who didn't look too happy.

"Yes, right, psychic trick," said Eleven, looking less completely distracted. Clara shook her head at him as he scooted over to Rose.

"You're getting your trousers dirty!" she said to him.

"So take them off me," he said offhandedly, but Rose could see his face and the huge grin he was wearing that was only to do with Clara.

"Is that an offer, Chin?" asked Clara. Martha rolled her eyes and pulled faces at Rose.

"Maybe it is, wifey," he said.

"Alright, you two! That's enough flirting," said Martha.

"We'll talk later," said Eleven.

"By the looks of things you won't be doing an awful lot of talking..." muttered Rose. Martha sniggered. "It's worse than the time I shot you." Everyone stared at her. What had she just said? She didn't remember shooting anyone, it had just come out.

"You remember shooting them?" Martha asked her.

"I remember her shooting us," said Clara, glowering.

"Yeah, you've still got a mark," commented Martha, "Rose, do you remember anything else?"

"Shall I just show her?" Eleven asked.

"Not if she can remember on her own," said Martha. "What else do you remember?"

"Nothing, I don't remember anything," she said.

"Her base reaction is to make fun of us," said Eleven, "if we keep doing things to annoy her-"

"That's a terrible idea, Chin," said Clara, "just show her the stuff."

"Fine," he said, putting his fingers on Rose's temples, "relax."

* * *

"What happened?" somebody muttered. Had it been her? Rose couldn't tell. She didn't even know where she was.

"Rose?" said Martha. She couldn't see anything, then she realised she had her eyes closed. She opened them to see they were all crammed in what appeared to be a bar.

"Are we in another speakeasy?" Rose asked Martha, who was sat at her table with Tentoo, who looked heartbroken. What had happened? Had she gotten drunk on whatever Jack gave them.

"Do you remember?" Martha asked.

"Remember what? The last thing I remember is the TARDIS exploding," she said, and was suddenly pulled into a kiss from across the table by Tentoo, then he hugged her tightly.

"I love you," he said.

"Well, I love you too, but what was that for?" she asked.

"You banged your head," Martha said, "and got amnesia."

"Oh... right..." said Rose. She still didn't remember, even with them telling her. "How much did I forget?"

"From the explosion," said Nine.

"That doesn't help," she said, staring around the dimly lit bar. It was lit by a single candle in the middle of the room on an empty table. She could hardly see a thing.

"The explosion at Henrick's," Nine elaborated.

"The explosion at..." her eyes widened, "I'm so sorry!" she said to Tentoo and Nine, "It must have been awful!"

"And then I had to show you your whole past and you fainted," said Eleven, "and we moved into this bar because it was empty-"

"Don't say empty," Jack told him.

"Oh, sorry. Because it was... well, safe. From the blitz and... whatever else," said Eleven.

"You mean the child?" said Rose.

"Child?" asked Amy and Rory together. Martha, River, Donna and Jenny also looked confused by her words.

"You mean you haven't told them about the child?!" she directed her question mostly at Nine.

"I haven't had a chance, what with you passing out left, right and centre," he said.

"Oh, you always blame me," she said.

"It's always your fault!"

"It is not!"

"Somebody else gave you amnesia then?"

"Shut it, both of you, and tell us about this bloody child!" shouted Donna.

"Well," said Jack, getting annoyed. Which was rare, Rose didn't see Jack annoyed often. Usually everything was a complete joke to him. "The first thing you should know is _he can hear you when you shout_!" he shouted the last part to make fun of Donna, who glared at him, until there was a knock on the door. Everyone stayed completely still and fell silent. There was another knock. Rose, Jack and Nine exchanged looks.

"Mummy?" crooned from the other side of the door. "Mummy, let me in, mummy." Martha tried to get up to answer the door, thinking it was just a little boy, but Rose and Tentoo grabbed her.

"It's just a kid," she said.

"Shhh," whispered Jack.

"I can hear you, mummy," said the child. Rose had forgotten how terrifying he was, and how terrifying the rest of the Chula zombies were.

"Oh for heaven's sake," Amy said, getting up and trying to get to the door. Nine and Jack grabbed at her, but she ran past them and grabbed the door handle.

"Amy, we're begging you, don't open that door," Jack said, keeping his distance.

"Why? What can a little kid-" the fist of a four year old boy suddenly smashed straight through the thin metal door and grabbed Amy. She screamed and Rory ran to try and pull her away from him, but he was grabbed, too.

"Oh my god!" Martha, Donna and River went to try and help them. Mickey, who knew the story from Rose and Jack, pulled Martha away.

"No! Don't touch him!" he said. Jack was trying to keep River away, but she was putting up a fight, "I'm sorry!" he said to the Ponds, who were struggling against the power of the child.

"Your hands..." Rose said, pointing out the two-pronged cuts across their right hands, and seeing the identical one on the hand of the child.

"What's happening?" asked Amy.

"You're turning into one of him! But it's alright, we'll fix it! Just get back to the TARDIS when it's over! And talk to the right us!" Rose was shouting as they all fumbled with the other exit out of the club. She was last through, helping push others and ignoring her throbbing head. She glanced back to see gas masks instead of faces.

Nine sonicked the door shut behind them.

"Which way's the station?!" he asked, panicking.

"It's that way," Jack pointed behind him.

"And which way's the hospital?"

"It's that way," Jack pointed to his left.

"Fantastic. Let's go this way," he said, leading them all off in completely the other direction. "They'll be on their way from the hospital to the station, we go completely the other way and we can avoid them. Most of them, anyway."

"'They'? How many are there?!" asked Donna.

"Dunno. Most of this side of London," said Nine.

"What are they?" asked Martha.

"Two months ago a Chula ambulance crash landed here, because some idiot wanted to sell it as valuable and con the Time Agency," said Nine distastefully.

"I thought it was empty, how was I supposed to know it was full of untamed nanogenes?" Jack said angrily. "And I tried to stop it landing on anything."

"Didn't work though, did it? Killed a child," said Nine.

"That wasn't my fault. And it wasn't me, the kid was killed by a bomb. He was just the nearest lifeform," said Jack.

"Sorry, can you please explain?" Martha asked again.

"Nanogenes are subatomic robots that are designed to heal, the ambulance was full of them. Jack releases them from the ship and they go looking around for humans to fix, because that's their job. Only the first specimen they find is a dead four-year old boy wearing a gas mask whose last thoughts had been looking for his mummy. They brought him back to life because they thought that's what humans look like. And now they know what humans look like, and everyone not like him is sick, so they're healing the world," Nine explained grimly.

"Why could he punch through a door?" asked Donna.

"The nanogenes made him and all the others into supersoldiers, and he's the commander. If we stay away, the past us will get on and tame the nanogenes and fix everything and the nanogenes will heal everyone in London," said Nine.

"One woman grew back a leg," said Rose.

"We just need to get somewhere safe, where we can stay. It's eleven o'clock, so there's still about an hour," said Nine.

"But what about my parents?" asked River.

"I'm sorry, they're gone. Just until the nanogenes heal them properly," said Nine. "In here," he said as they passed a garden with an Anderson shelter inside. "The all clear's

already sounded."

**AN: Yeah okay let's all forget this amnesia thing ever happened... And let's also forget that unintentional pun ever happened.**


	73. Nanogenes Can't Fix This

**AN: Oh my god you guys, why do my own plotlines suck so bad? I'm also pretty shocked nobody's questioned why they haven't tried to get home yet. Although I'm not saying question it - don't. An explanation will come, though I don't know when... But yeah, when I try and write a proper adventure it sucks. Writing them chillin' in the TARDIS is way more fun. Also, look I made a cover!**

_Nanogenes Can't Fix This_

Rose, Jack and Nine had spent half an hour explaining all that had happened - and Jack made sure not to leave out how much Rose had been 'in love with him', which made Rose's headache even worse. She wished the nanogenes would hurry up and fix her head injury, she could feel the blood on her bandages Martha and Rory had tied. Apparently it was only taking the TARDIS three hours to repair itself, which conincided with the time the Chulas were going to be cured.

"You make it sound like we were a regular Doctor-and-Clara," Rose said. Eleven and Clara were much too busy having a _very_ quiet discussion in the corner of the ridiculously cramped air raid shelter and laughing to themselves to pay any attention.

"Don't be disgusting, Rose," said Jack. "Only real sickos act like _that_." Whouffle still did not realise they were being insulted.

"Maybe if we stare at them until they notice," said Martha. Everyone did, staying as quiet as possible so as to hear their conversation, which turned out to be an incredibly boring argument about dinner arrangements. Eleven wanted them to have dinner somewhere, but Clara didn't.

"There's no privacy," was the card she was playing, "it doesn't matter where we go."

"We'll give you plenty of privacy," Martha said loudly, so they both jumped and _finally_ saw everyone had been silent and listening to them for the past five minutes.

"You really do bring it all on yourselves," said Rose in awe at how two people could be so oblivious.

"If you teleported them, they probably wouldn't even notice," Jack said slyly.

"Oi!" said Rose, she and Nine glaring at him. They'd managed to leave the part about teleportation mishap out of their earlier retelling.

"What? It seemed relevant," said Jack innocently. "Besides, they'd never have known it was you if you hadn't said anything."

"Yes they would because you would have told them," she said.

"Touché," Jack admitted and she scoffed at him. "So you two, are you doing alright or do you needsome more help from the Harkness & Tyler Love and Relationship Help Service?"

"I think we've had enough of your help," said Clara.

"You needed it," said Rose.

"We did not!" argued Clara. Eleven was tactfully not saying anything. Unfortunately, his wife was waiting for him to agree with her and gave him an expectant and judgemental look.

"What? Oh... er, _yeah_!" he agreed half-heartedly. She smacked his arm. "Ow!" he said.

"You did need our help," said Jack, "otherwise you'd still be trying to stab him with a champagne flute."

"I only did that once!" she argued.

"Admit you needed our help, or you'd never've sorted out your issues," requested Rose. "If it wasn't for Jack's fake haunting or my bad singing or Jenny's really bad scottish accent-"

"When you've only ever heard one scottish accent before..." Jenny grumbled from next to Jack.

"-Anyway, if it wasn't for all that you'd still be fighting," finished Rose.

"We only had your best interests at heart," said Jack sincerely. Clara just glared at him and crossed her arms. That is, until her face randomly started glowing gold.

"Nanogenes!" Nine exclaimed, as another cloud of the mites swirled around Rose's head. In a few seconds they were all gone and the shelter was dark again, but this meant it was safe to get out and find the Ponds.

"So, bets on how long until Clara gets another black eye?" Jack said jokingly.

"Well, I won't be getting another one. I'd never had a black eye before in my life and now I get three in less than a fortnight!" she said, staying at the back of the group. Eleven (for the first time in days) left his wife at the back to go ahead. Presumably to make sure the Ponds were alright. Rose could tell he'd been worrying.

"Is everything _really_ okay though?" Rose asked Clara, the two of them alone at the back. Or so they thought.

"Yeah how're things in the bedroom department? Need any advice?" Jack said, appearing between them from... somewhere, winking at Clara and draping his arms around both of their shoulders. Clara elbowed him and scooted away back to Eleven.

"I think that means _shut up, go away and leave me alone forever Jack_!" Rose said to him.

"Was it something I said?" he asked Rose. Sometimes she thought it was impossible for him to take _anything_ that didn't involve an alien invasion seriously as he grinned cockily.

"I think it's practically impossible for everyone to get along," said Martha, lagging back.

"It's your fault we don't get along!" Rose said to her. It _was_ her fault, if she didn't keep attacking Clara they wouldn't have such a huge rivalry stopping everyone else from being friendly.

"It is not!"

"You're the one who keeps hitting Clara!" Rose retorted.

"Yeah!" Clara shouted from the front. She was barely listening though.

"Who cares if she hits Clara?" said River.

"See? Nobody," said Martha.

"No, it's just you two! At least she's got a reason!" Rose pointed to River. She was just about sick of everyone arguing.

"She's annoying, that _is_ a reason," said Martha.

"One minute you're acting like her friend, the next minute you're attacking her and taking cheap shots!" Rose shouted back.

"You can't talk, hypocrite!"

"Excuse me? Did you spend your weekend crammed in a linen cupboard trying to fix her relationship? No, you were too busy preening yourself on a bloody lilo!"

"I am right-" Clara tried to stop this argument about her, that really wasn't about her at all.

"Oh, just shut up!" Martha shouted at her.

"Don't tell me to shut up, you shut up!" Clara shouted back.

"Why should I?!"

"Because you should!" Rose added.

"Stop defending me! I'm not useless!" Clara said to Rose.

"_Sorry_, I'm just trying to help!" Rose said.

"Well she doesn't want your help!" Martha said.

"And 'she' is standing right here listening to you two have a go at eachother for no reason!"

"You're just as bloody mouthy as Donna!" said Martha. Rose groaned. She just kept dragging other people into it.

"I am not mouthy!" yelled Donna.

"Alright, alright, calm down," said Ten, finally coming to try and help.

"No, I will not _calm down_!" Donna pushed him and he stayed back.

"I really think you should all stop fighting," said Eleven, skirting around the edge of the four of them, who were stood like corners of a square right in the middle of a damp, dark London street. "1941 isn't the place or time!"

"What are you gonna do about it?!" Martha shouted at him.

"I've seen-"

"I don't care what you've bloody seen!"

"Don't talk to him like that!" Clara came to his defense.

"You're both pathetic," said Martha.

"Oi! They're not pathetic!" Rose came to their aid.

"They're also not any of your business!"

"They're not any of yours, either!"

And then the punches started flying.


	74. Paging Doctor Oswald

**AN: So have a poorly executed POV change back to Clara :) Prior contrare to popular belief, Clara does not have another black eye. And if anyone was wondering, no, I have no idea why Martha is so insanely OOC. I apologise for that, and for this insanely late at night update.**

_Paging Doctor Oswald_

"Well?" Tentoo prompted. She and Rose were in one of the medibays on the Snogbox, not that she trusted any of the medicine her dear-sweet husband was trying to get her to take. She didn't see what good any of it was going to do anyway, she only had a few cuts. Rose said nothing to him. In retalliation for this silence, he dabbed the cut on her cheek with a disinfectant-soaked cotton wool ball.

"Ow!" she said, swatting at his hand.

"Wifey, have some Beechams," Eleven said, holding out a bottle. She stopped looking at Rose and Tentoo and shook her head at him.

"What good is Beechams gonna do?"

"I don't know, do you have a cold?"

"No," she said.

"Er... In case you get a cold..?" he said.

"Even I know that's not how medicine works, Chin," she said to him. Maybe Martha was right about him being stupid around her, she'd have to ask him about it. Later though. Right now she was too busy smarming over her victory against Martha - she'd successfully given her a black eye.

"What are you so happy about?" Eleven asked her.

"I punched her in the face!" she exclaimed. He frowned. "Martha! In the face!"

"Yes..?" he questioned.

"Oh, nevermind..." she muttered.

"She deserved it," said Rose. Clara didn't know if she was speaking to her or to Tentoo. Or maybe even Eleven.

"No! Violence is never a good idea," said Eleven.

"It is," said Clara and Rose together. It was just the four of them in that infirmary. Amy and Rory were sleeping off their transformations (apparently growing a gas mask then un-growing a gas mask was quite exhausting), and, obviously, Martha didn't want to be near them. She'd stomped off with Mickey to the other infirmary. Everyone else was apparently in the lounge.

"Well, how do you think Martha feels?" asked Tentoo.

"In pain, hopefully..." muttered Clara. She was just about sick to death of constant black eyes, it wasn't a walk in the park.

"Oi! Not nice, wifey," he said.

"I don't see why I should be nice," she said.

"You've got to be the bigger person in these situations," he gave her a roll of bandages, which she stared at. What was she supposed to do with these? She was barely hurt.

"I'm fine, stop looking for first aid supplies," she told him as he picked up something that looked like a ball of silver ribbon, the strands moving about of their own accord, like snakes.

"Maybe Martha should just try being a normal person," said Clara, "Rose is right! One minute she's in Medical-Mode and she helps everyone, the next she's like one of those spiky sea-things, stabbing everyone who gets near. Or who she rolls at across the seabed, in a very aggressive manner."

"A sea urchin?" asked Tentoo.

"Yeah."

"If I were a fish..." he began, "I'd be a dolphin. The most intelligent creatures on the planet."

"Dolphins aren't fish," corrected Eleven.

"What?! Since when?" demanded Tentoo.

"Since always."

"That's not a sentence," said Clara.

"It's got a verb in it," said Eleven defensively.

"No... No, it doesn't..." she said. She and Rose exchanged a why-are-our-husbands-so-stupid look. An awkward silence followed.

"Someone should probably talk to her," Rose said.

"You talk to her," said Clara.

"Let me rephrase: Someone who hasn't been in a fight with her should probably talk to her." Everyone thought for a few moments.

"I'll go talk to the Ponds then, shall I?" offered Eleven, sighing.

"Probably should," advised Rose. He sighed for a second time and mooched out of the room.

"Do you know what's wrong with her?" Clara asked Rose.

"What? No," she said. Clara narrowed her eyes. "Are you trying to be threatening..?"

"Err..."

"You're just a really easy person to pick on. And attack repeatedly with different weapons, apparently," said Rose.

"Why?! What makes me an easy target?"

"I... um... hrmph?" said Rose, shrugging.

"That doesn't help."

"It's you and him, you're just _annoying_. If you just stopped being so irritating all the time-"

"What exactly do we do that's so annoying?"

"Just everything! And you know what you do, you do it on purpose."

"You mean _being a couple_? That's what's so annoying?" she quereyed disbelievingly. They couldn't be so annoying they warranted punching, could they?

"Yeah, I suppose..." Rose trailed off.

"What do you want us to do? Break up?"

"God no! That's even worse! Me and Jack'll have to fix you again!" said Rose.

"So, you don't want us to be together, but you don't want us to not be together, either..?"

"Yes!"

"You do realise that doesn't make any sense whatsoever?"

"...I need a cup of tea, and then I need to sleep off this stupidity bug everyone's caught," Rose and Clara left the medibay and headed towards the lounge, carefully checking before they went in that Martha was not present.

"Here they are, the lionesses of the pride," said Jack.

"Does that make Martha scar?" asked Rose, making a beeline for the kettle as Clara spread out on the only completely empty sofa in the room.

"She will be after the punch wifey gave her," said Jack.

"Don't call me that," she said.

"Why? Your husband does," said Jack.

"Duh, that's because _he's my husband_, you're not."

"I could easily be your husband right now. It was a Vegas wedding. For all you know, you were in split decision between me and husbandy," said Jack.

"No, we saw the proposal," said Rose from across the room, "you weren't there." Clara felt a pang of embarassment as she remembered the devasting proposal she'd had to witness. She thought it was ironic though, because as far as she knew she hadn't legally changed her name to 'Clara Doctor' or something equally stupid, which had been the entire point of the...

"I have to go talk to husbandy," she said, jumping up with alarm, "God, I can't believe you've got me calling him husbandy. I hate you all." But she didn't wait for an answer as she darted of into the other part of the ship to find the Doctor, praying the stupid thing wasn't going to get her lost again.

She heard talking from the room she knew as the Ponds' and knocked on the door. She didn't bother to wait for confirmation to go in, but thankfully River was not present. She must be with Martha. Her husband was there though.

"Can I, er, talk to you for a minute?" she asked Eleven.

"Yes," he said. Then he didn't move.

"No, in private, Chin," she added.

"Oh! Yes, sorry. Back in a mo," he got up and she pulled him out of the room, ignoring whatever inappropriate things the Ponds were saying behind them. "Right, what's this about?"

"I was just wondering..." she was so bad at playing anything cool, "did I ever tell you how exactly we got engaged..?"

"No, although Jack told me it was something to do with a fork-lift truck," said Eleven thoughtfully. Clara pulled a _what-the-hell-Jack?! _face that Eleven didn't see.

"Well, no, actually... It was nothing to do with a fork-lift truck to my recollection..." she muttered, "well, anyway, it was all incredibly embarassing."

"Right... but you're not going to tell me?"

"I'd rather not relive it. I'm sure Rose will tell you, but it's still vomit inducing. It ended up as us getting married because you thought my name was hilarious and I saw your name was more hilarious and I wanted it," she said it all very quickly.

"And?"

"Well what if I legally changed my name to something stupid?! Or what if you did?!" she said.

"I highly doubt that, wifey, it was barely a legal ceremony. In fact I'm not even sure it was," he said. She'd already guessed that a while ago. Besides, it wasn't like that knowledge helped them remove the solot rings - not that she wanted to. Although it was annoying if she accidentally fidgeted and burned herself twisting the ring about her finger. "Why were you worrying about that?"

"I didn't want us to show up somewhere and for me to randomly ID'd and I find out my name is 'Clara Doctor' or 'Clara Smith' or the worst one - 'The Eleventh Clara'," she said.

"At least you wouldn't be called Doctor Oswald," he said.

"Please don't say that, it reminds me of my uncle, and that's weird," she told him.

"Why? Is your uncle a doctor?"

"_No_," she said sarcastically, "_he's a greengrocer_." Then he laughed to himself. "What?"

"The Oncoming Clara," he said.

"No... No, just stop," she begged.

"Or just 'the Clara'? Clara Who?"

"Please just-"

"Doctor Clara."

"Stop, or I will punch you like I did Martha."

"I... Sorry..." he muttered, shuffling. Obviously, she then had to give him a kiss for being adorable.


	75. Oswin Told Me!

_Oswin Told Me!_

As per usual, Clara was awoken by her insomniac of a husband. She sometimes wondered if he slept at all, but at seven thirty on the dot _every single morning_, he'd wake her up. Whether she wanted him to or not. A few days ago she'd accidentally hit him, thinking he was her alarm clock.

Each morning Eleven would try and wake her in a different way. The worst one had been when he'd flooded the room. The nicest one had probably been the only time he didn't actually wake her up, back at the Maitland's. Unfortunately, this morning it seemed he'd decided to tickle her. And, though he didn't know it, Clara Oswald hated being tickled.

Suffice to say, she lashed out and he ended up toppling to the floor.

"Ow, wifey..." he muttered. She was still reeling from the shock of being snapped awake from an entertaining dream involving seals and dolphins by tickles. Or, as she preferred to call them, the touch of death. "Being with you is nothing but pain. Remind me never to give you a weapon." She didn't say anything, just flopped back down to try and go back to sleep. She was in no mood for his wake up calls.

"Wifey? What's wrong?" he said, after crawling around the bed to sit in front of her face. She opened her eyes and glared at him.

"What's wrong is I haven't been allowed to wake up at my own speed for a week," she grumbled. "And it doesn't even feel like the right time."

"It's not," he said, "it's five in the morning." She looked around to see if it was still dark out, then she remembered there weren't any windows. One thing she hated about being in the TARDIS. Although it was quite a long list.

"Why have you woken me up at five o'clock in the morning?!"

"Your phone was ringing!" he defended himself.

"You didn't answer it, did you?" she asked.

"Nope," he said. She gave him a pressing look, "I didn't! It was someone called Nina, only I've heard Angie talk about her and I thought she was her age."

"Urgh," groaned Clara. It had to be Nina calling, didn't it? "She's just turned nineteen, and she thinks she's my best friend when she's the most annoying human I've ever met. She's a terrible role model, only George doesn't think so. She's his niece."

"Ohhh," said Eleven understandingly.

"And I'm going to call her back," she said. She reached for where she usually left her phone to find it wasn't there. Then Eleven handed it to her while stifling laughter. She pulled on a dressing gown and left to go to the lounge while the phone rang. As always Eleven came along. Well, it's not like he was going to sleep.

"Heeey newlywed," came the irritating tone of Nina in her ear. She hated her. "Why didn't you pick up before? I rang ten times." _Ten times?_! she mouthed at Eleven, who shrugged innocently. She rolled her eyes.

"I was asleep," she said.

"Why? It's four in afternoon," she said.

"Yeah, well... I'm not in the country. It's five AM here," she lied.

"On your honeymoon?"

"Don't be stupid, Nina. Why would I be on a honeymoon? I don't have a boyfriend, let alone a husband."

"That's not what Angie tells me," she trilled, then she did her awful, snorting laugh she did whenever she thought she'd said something funny. Clara had to move the phone away from her ear for a moment as she sat down on the sofa and the fireplace lit up instantly.

"What does Angie tell you?" Clara asked through gritted teeth. Eleven leant close to the phone on the other side of her to listen in.

"That you went off and married some tall, dark and handsome bloke and then you went straight off travelling with his family," said Nina. Eleven looked proud at the 'tall, dark and handsome' part.

"I guess that's one way to put it," muttered Clara.

"Wait, so it's _true_?! Okay, where did you meet? What's his name? How'd he propose? How long have you known him? What does he look like? Where are you? Where'd you get married? What did you wear? When d'you get back so I can meet him?"

"We met... er... at Christmas," she said, remembering the life of her Victorian echo. "And then we-"

"They got drunk in Vegas!" Jack shouted. Clara and Eleven both jumped, where the hell had he just come from?!

"Who's that?" asked Nina.

"He's nobody," said Clara quickly, then she clapped her hand onto the microphone and addressed Jack. "Why are you awake?"

"I was busy doing something," he said.

"It's not nice calling Jenny a thing," snapped Clara. _Yes! Clara - 1, Jack... about 7000_, she thought. She had a lot of catching up to do.

"Who're you talking to?"

"Just Jack," said Clara.

"Is he your husband? He sounds hot," Nina said. Clara gagged.

"No he is not my husband!"

"You're hurting me, wifey," said Jack, apparently making a cup of tea.

"You shouldn't flirt with people when you have a girlfriend," said Eleven, "and especially not when they're married."

"So I guess I can't flirt with you, either?" Jack said to him.

"What the hell is going on?! Who's the new guy?"

"The 'new guy' happens to be my husband," said Clara, "and no, you can't talk to him."

"What's all the shouting?" muttered Rory groggily, appearing in the doorway and seeing Clara on the phone. "Who are you talking to?"

"Nina," Eleven answered for her. Rory snorted.

"Your ex-girlfriend?"

"GIRLFRIEND?!" exclaimed Clara, who, the last time she'd checked, had never had a girlfriend before and definitely not Nina. She'd rather drink her own sick.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back up there a minute, _girlfriend_?!" Jack said.

"Who have you been talking to?!" Clara demanded of Rory.

"Err... Oswin?" he said.

"I... GAH!" said Clara, hanging up and turning off her phone without any sort of hasty goodbye to Nina.

"I'm gonna go have a lie down," said Jack, leaving the room with two cups of tea and giving Clara a sly look on his way out. Eleven took the phone from her.

"You look like you're going to throw it at somebody," he said. She glanced at her white knuckles and clenched fists and stared Rory out of the room. Eleven shuffled closer and pulled Clara into a hug, resting his head on top of hers so the rage within her settled down to a simmer.

"Are you going to go back to bed?" he asked. She shrugged.

"No," she answered firmly. How was she supposed to sleep knowing Nina was sat somewhere, confused out of her mind but presumably finding the whole situation hilarious, just waiting until she could talk to her 'best friend' again?

"You shrug, and then say no?" he questioned. She could hear the confusion in his voice. Sometimes Time Lords were so funny in their misunderstanding. Clara shrugged.

"Yes," she answered. He laughed.

She was perfectly content there, cradled in her husband's arms. Just because they'd only been together for ten days didn't mean there was any less love, and she was completely able to sit with him like that for a whole day if needs be.

But she was British, and the British needed tea, and as there were only two of them in the room it was unlikely they'd last for long sat like that. Especially at five in the morning.

Artificial light appeared through the cracks in the high curtains rigged up to clickers that only obeyed the Doctor, and that signalled breakfast. Which also meant whouffle had been sat there in silence for quite a few hours.

"So, wifey, where do you wanna go today?" asked Eleven brightly after the pair of them had migrated to the kitchen table so Clara could guilt-trip him into making her breakfast. She hadn't needed to, he'd offered happily and was frying some eggs.

"Somewhere that's not Earth," she said surely, slurping her tea.

"Well, that shouldn't be too difficult," he replied, putting a full English down in front of her. She was starving, but made sure to give him a kiss before she started shovelling rashers of bacon into her mouth.

"Morning," said Rose, emerging from the hallway with wet hair and a water-logged look about her. Clara waved - her mouth was full. "It serves you right for barely eating anything last night then!" Clara pouted, and ate more beans.

"So what's happening today?" Rose asked a few minutes later.

"All that's been agreed so far is somewhere that's not Earth," said Eleven.

"How long have you two been up for?" asked Rose, eyeing them both suspiciously. Clara rolled her eyes annoyedly at her.

"Since five," she answered. "I kept getting phonecalls from an annoying person back home."

"If that was a five, why didn't you go back to sleep?"

"Leave 'em alone, if they wanna spend three hours spooning that's their problem," said Jack, swaggering into the room. Clara and Rose both glowered at him.

"I sleep two doors down and in a soundproofed room," said Rose, clenching her teeth, "and I could still hear you _all. Bloody. Night_!"

"That would be the other reason we didn't go back to bed," said Clara.


	76. Underwater Flashback

_Underwater Flashback_

Eleven and Clara stared at the person who had just stepped through a doorway-like machine, after growing out of its sides from tap-like devices, spurting out flesh-coloured liquid into a blob that warped and twisted itself into a male body.

"Hello," said the person, "I'm your son."

"Hold on," said River, stepping into the scene, "You've skipped too far ahead. I think a flashback is in order?"

* * *

Tensions ran high at breakfast. Rose, Clara and Martha were silent. Not speaking to anyone at all, barely exchanging looks. The others tried so start conversations, but they were quickly stomped out by the mood.

Clara took a forty-minute absence to shower and get dressed, and when she returned she found most people were gathered in the console room having a debate about whether to go to an inhabited planet or not.

"Wifey, what do you think?" Eleven asked her.

"I don't care, as long as it's not Earth," she said. Martha shot her a dirty look (her black eye only making it look even more dirty) for apparently being the deciding vote on the verdict. Clara merely hooked herself onto Eleven's arm - as usual - and didn't offer her opinion on where they were going. She could sense it wasn't welcome.

"Shall we just put it on random again?" suggested Nine, "and actually check where we've landed before we get out this time?" He'd had to shout to be heard, and finally there were mumbles of shameful agreement from the opposing parties. "Good." He hit a lever, and they jerked. It was times like this Clara was glad to have a husband who would do anything for her - it gave her something to fall on. She was also fortunate he was so comfy to land on. And stay on. For a while. But that would be weird in public.

In the end, they didn't even fall over, which managed to irrationally irritate Clara. So much so that when they left the TARDIS Eleven asked her what was wrong - apparently she'd been pouting - to which she'd just laughed. She wasn't going to tell him the source of her disappointment.

But they soon forgot completely about it when faced with one of the most beautiful places Clara had ever seen, clashing closely with the Gallifrey from her memories and Akhaten. It was a huge, entirely glass complex, completely submerged underwater, domed and arched and curved at every corner. Nothing was straight, and everything was bathed in a pale blue light cast by the shallow depths of an unknown ocean and an equally unknown sun. Corals in colours humans couldn't even dream of speckled the duned, white sand, shapes towering and spiralling around and casting splayed out, clawing shadows. Fish and other sea creatures darted in and out of a distant and mysterious wreck and the numerous crevices littering the smooth rocks and corals, making their homes in the anemones and the tunnels and the cracks between the swollen, greenish wood. Monsters resembling sharks and whales swam overhead, rippling the water in a style of movement that could only be described as the nautical equivalent of a swagger. Only these beasts were yellow, not grey and white and blue.

"I should have covered your eyes again," said Eleven wistfully, staring around.

"Is this Kamino?" asked Mickey.

"What? No! Kamino's not a real planet! Plus, it's constantly stormy there. And we appear to have caught this particular planet on a good day," said Eleven.

"Why? Where are we?" Rose asked, gingerly tracing patterns in the slowly steaming glass with her fingertips. It was warm and humid below the sea.

"It's called Squam," said Eleven, "a very advanced race, they were the first species other than Time Lords to utilise time travel. And the best part is they're completely peaceful." Ten was curiously saying nothing. Clara had noticed he and River had started talking and hanging around. She couldn't blame them, they probably felt like kindred spirits. Having to watch the one they love _consort_ with somebody else. Ten shot Tentoo a blank yet disapproving look of his description of the yellow sharks, to which Rose was laughing, whatever he was saying. She didn't bother looking at River though. Then she went back to being fascinated by the wondrous world surrounding them.

"So what is there to do here?" she asked.

"Well, I don't know," said Eleven, the group splitting off into more or less pairs of couples of near-enoughs. Whouffle drifted off together. "But it's awfully romantic." Clara giggled - she couldn't help it. "Really good place to propose."

"Oh, yeah, definitely. Shame we're already married," she joked before he kissed her.

"Oi! You two!" It was Rose. They broke apart and Clara scowled at her. First, she wasn't allowed to fall into her husband's arm in a definitely dangerous and potentially life endangering crash. And now she was being pulled away from a ridiculous sweet moment.

"We can come back when this lot finally leave, wifey," Eleven whispered to her.

"If they ever do..." she murmured. The reason they'd been called back was because a member of staff had appeared. A tall, blueish creature with a giraffe-like neck, the head about a foot and a half away from the shoulders and it was impossible to tell the gender when you've only seen one.

"Definitely look Kaminan," commented Mickey. This earned him a dark look from the Squam inhabitant. They had a name badge in something Clara couldn't read, it just looked like squiggles.

"The Snogbox has stopped translating writing for me," she whispered to Eleven.

"His name's Derek," he told her. She looked at him incredulously.

"Derek? Well that's not a very alien name!"

"So? Humans and Squami collaborate at this point in time. To him, it's probably exotic." Clara just shook her head. An alien called Derek. _Derek_ hadn't heard them thankfully, over a loud Star Wars argument between Mickey and Nine about some strange mental imprinting experiment the Squami once carried out on a few humans - one of them happened to be George Lucas.

"Enough!" shouted Derek in a sort of clicking voice, like he had mandibles. Although as far as Clara could see he didn't even have a mouth, so where the sounds were coming from she didn't want to know. "You are trespassing. You are currently breaking at least seven laws set by the Shadow Proclamation."

"No we're not," said Nine. He flashed his psychic paper, "see? New test subjects, sent by the ambassadors."

_Test subjects?!_ Clara and Rose mouthed at eachother at the same time. Then Rose saw something and turned away sharply. Clara didn't look to see what - or who - had angered her, but she could guess. At the moment the silent treatment was working just fine with Martha Jones.

"Ah, that changes everything," said Derek. And somehow, on a face with just beady black eyes and two pinholes for nostrils and no other features at all, his expression softened to one of friendliness. They all tapped along on the strangely reflective but imperfectionless floor. It sounded like marble underfoot, but more metallic, on their way to a laboratory.

"So, what tests will you have us doing?" asked Nine, "shady business, this. The industry thought it best not to tell us until we arrived."

"Ah, I'm glad you ask," said Derek in his strange, invisible voice. "We have some new technology developing, and would like to test it on different pairs to see the reaction of the fibres and cells."

"Yeah, but what is it?" asked Donna.

"Oh... Cloning," said Nine in realisation.

"Ha! You see, look, now I can have siblings," said Jenny triumphantly. All three Doctors, Clara, Rose and Tentoo started to hastily garble a multitude of different excuses and reasons why they were not going to have some strange clone-child just for her benefit.

"By signing the contract, you are obligated to test whatever products were place you with," said Derek, "pairs, now."

"Slightly different to Messaline cloning," Eleven told Jenny, "you need two people."

"All the better, go make me brothers and sisters now," she said to them both. Clara dragged Eleven over to Rose.

"This can't be happening," she whispered.

"I think it is..." Rose said back, "hopefully we won't have to take them with us wherever we end up going."

"No, at this point in the Squami timelines, the clones can only be rendered for 48 hours, then they disintegrate. Rather sad, but they haven't found the binding agent that. Still a decade until they do," Eleven butted in to explain.

So, long story short, Derek had made them all pair up (everyone was a couple except for Nine and Donna, who had been thrown together forcibly, and Ten and River. But then River declared herself a hologram, so those two were allowed to stay out of the process) and then forced them straight to get blood samples taken. It was so on-the-spot Clara forgot her needle phobia, only freaking out when she saw the vial being carried away towards the doorway-machine. Amy, however, had a minor temper tantrum when faced with the needle. So did Donna, and Rose wasn't particularly keen on it, either.

* * *

And that was how they got to where they were.

Eleven and Clara stared at the person who had just stepped through a doorway-like machine, after growing from its sides from tap-like devices, spurting out flesh-coloured liquid into a blob that warped and twisted itself into a male body.

"Hello," said the person, "I'm your son."

"Hold on," said River, stepping into the scene, "You've skipped too far ahead. I think a flashback is in order?"

"_The fourth wall exists, you know!_" Eleven growled at her. She took no notice of him and slinked away back to her safe zone with Ten. Oh, how Clara envied her at that point. Suprise, two day parenthood was the least of River's worries.

**AN: That sentence about 'the nautical equivalent of a swagger' is probably one of my favourite sentences I've ever written - just thought I'd share that fact with you. Someone requested underwater, and I think a few said clones would be funny and children. So, here you go :)**


	77. Parent Shock

**AN: Okay so to answer some questions and clear some wonderings up: No, I'm not gonna kill anyone off. It's supposed be a fun fic, I can't go murdering characters. And also no, I'm not adding in Twelve. And I also have nooooo idea about a whouffle wedding. I mean, it would be cute, but idk... It would mean I have to keep it in Clara's POV for longer. Also, double update today :)**

_Parent Shock_

They were in a cafe. For some reason, there was a cafe in the Squam labs. And that was where they were. Clara was drinking something sweet that reminded her of a slush puppy from a cup. She hadn't spoken for almost an hour. Neither had Eleven. They had both been completely dumstruck. Donna and Nine and the Ponds were also stunned to silence. Rose and Tentoo had been more or less normal, sat at the same booth as whouffle. The clones, or children, or creatures, or Squami were away for 'prepping', whatever that entailed. They'd only said a sentence to their respective parents, or gene-donars, or whichever slang term Clara could think of involving the least amount of emotional attachment.

"Are you two alright?" Rose asked quietly. Clara opened her mouth, but she had no words to say and she didn't have the energy or the willpower to say anything. She dropped the cup. Thankfully it landed on the table.

"Careful with that cup, you don't want to pull a Bella Swan," Jack called over. Clara glared at him. Captain Jack Harkness was the last person she'd guess to be a twihard. She almost thought of something smart to say back to him, but it felt like something were gripping her throat everytime she even attempted to make anything more than a breath sound.

"There's nobody to help your shock," said Rose, "Not asking _her_" she glared at Martha, "and Rory's in shock, too." Clara shrugged weakly, feeling quite pathetic under Rose's pitiful eyes. "Er... Look on the brightside... it's only for two days, right?" Clara glared. "We could go now..."

"They won't let us leave until we've done the test, we've got two days," said Nine.

"Can't we just leg it?" Rose asked him. He barked a cold laugh.

"No. Grid lasers on the exits, security everywhere. We're stuck," he grinned cheesily, and Clara felt a stab of rage. She crossed her arms and sat back in the booth. Eleven quickly moved the arm that had been around her shoulders to avoid crushing.

"Are either of you going to talk..?" Rose asked. Clara stared ahead blankly. She didn't have the willpower to answer, and she also didn't actually have the answer. Well, she probably would talk again, unless she died very soon, but she didn't know how long it would be. "I know what'll get you to talk," Rose had an evil look in her eyes.

"What? Rose, don't do any-" Tentoo started saying.

"Oi, Jack?" Rose had called, "Clara just told me something you'll wanna hear." Jack moonwalked over - for no apparent reason - and leant on his elbows on the table in the gayest possible pose.

"Oh yeah?" he said, the gossip queen.

"They've... baked a souffle!" Rose said.

"_No!_" said Jack, "you mean she's-?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well congratulations you two on this latest edition to our convoluted family tree!" he cheered, "what're you gonna name the little whouffle?"

"I'M NOT PREGNANT!" Clara shouted at him, standing up and ignoring Rose's chortling. Thank stars it was only the fourteen of them in the room. Oh, how she'd have like to throw something at him, but he showed his gay side yet again as he giggled and pranced away to his girlfriend like a fairy - an oxymoron if ever there was one. _Unbearable_, she growled the thought and sat back down.

"See, it worked," said Rose. Clara gave her a foul look. "And I think you should be happy, you've gone through all the trouble of having a kid without the pregnancy, the schooling, the dicipline or the teenage years. And you only have to do it for forty-eight hours."

"I'm thrilled," she said tonelessly, sitting back against the leather cushion of the booth chair.

"Very 50s," said Rose, glancing around. It was, indeed, like someplace straight out of Grease or Happy Days, with the high tables, the stools, the dancefloor in the corner, the multiple levels and the abundance of shakes and fries for sale.

"Retro. Squami are very fond of humanity. There's a jukebox in the corner over there," Tentoo said, pointing. Rose looked around to see. Clara didn't, choosing simply to believe him. Now she wasn't speaking because she was in a bad mood.

"Ah, what's wrong, wifey? Is it the pregnancy getting you down?" Jack shouted across, "Hormones?"

"If you don't shut up, I will end you," she threatened, "even with your little 'condition'. _You will die_."

"Calm down, wifey," said Eleven, but after Jack's abuse, the nickname had all but lost its cuteness. Still, Clara had a feeling it had sprung from his head like an already old habit - not out of any desire to be cute. No, when he wanted to be cute he called her his Impossible Girl. Or Closwiwald, if he was proposing and drunk.

"No, I will not calm down!" she said a little too loudly. He winced like she'd hit him or something. "I have a reason to be a bit worked up right now."

"You never know, you might learn from this experience and actually like the... clone... thing..." said Rose awkwardly.

"I'm not a children-person," she said. Everyone - even the ones like Martha, Ten and River who were blocking them out - turned to frown at her.

"You're a nanny!" Eleven exclaimed, "in all your past lives you've looked after kids!"

"Yeah, but they weren't _my _kids," she said.

"...?" was all anyone could muster to say. Or try to say. Clara went back to her generic ice drink, whatever it was.

"I think I'd have more fun with Nina for two days..." she grumbled.

"Yeah, I bet you would," said Jack.

"Just shut up, Jack!" shouted Ten and Tentoo at the exact same time doing the exact same movements pulling the exact same faces and using the exact same tone. Rose sat, tense and uneasy, as they shared a glare and Jack finally agreed to be quiet, for a while at least. Everyone was at eachothers' throats recently.

"Or else I'll tell Jenny what happened in Vegas, or what happened in Chicago, or what happened with Christina," said Rose, almost hissing 'Christina'. Clearly she had not forgotten what Ten had done. Jack looked genuinely fearful, and went to try and change the subject now Jenny had started bombarding him with questions.

"I'm gonna faint if I have to see that... _thing_, again..." muttered Clara.

"Clones are people too," said Jenny, the voice of clone rights, then she went straight back to arguing with Jack.

"That's a bit mean," said Rose.

"Well if I'd had the usual nine months preparation," she said with a grimace. Rose shook her head, disappointed. "Shut up."

"I didn't say anything!" said Rose, raising her hands in surrender.


	78. Don't Tell The Bride Or Groom

**AN: So, er, gonna cut back to Rose for a couple of chapters here. Do some cool stuff, then switch back to Clara. I just think Rose's observations of whouffle would be much more fun to write (and read) than Constantly Angry Clara. Plus, the return of H&T for this damn whouffle wedding you all want so bad :) But I'm gonna start switching them about a lot to get two angles of what's going on, and then maybe another POV, but it's good Rose and Clara centric right now.**

_Don't Tell The Bride Or The Groom_

Rose was guffawing in her head at Clara and her behaviour. She understood exactly why Clara was such a stressed, nervous wreck, and she even related to her on some level, but that didn't stop her reaction being completely and utterly hilarious. Finally, she couldn't keep it in any longer, and she had to burst out laughing. Clara gave her death stares.

"Sorry... I'm..." but she couldn't stop laughing. "I'll just... I'll leave, shall -" but another round of laughter cut her off. She got up and went over to Jack, still laughing, and still feeling Clara's needle eyes in her back.

"What's up?" Jack asked her, glad of a distraction from Jenny.

"No... nothing, just... _those two_," she gasped. "You know what they were talking about earlier?" he shook his head, "how that corridor we landed in was a really good place for a proposal."

"Hold up now," Jack said. Tentoo had sidled over, and Jenny was now listening, "I think love is in the air."

"Love's always been in the air, it's making me sick," grumbled River, glaring at whouffle. The quartet ignored her.

"Seriously," started Jack in an undertone, "they don't get anything done without our help. So, what shall the theme of this wedding be?"

"We didn't decide-"

"Rose, you coming over to talk to me is decision enough. I'm thinking, let's stick with underwater stuff. How about _Enchantment Under The Sea_?" he asked, looking intonthe distance at nothing imparticular.

"That's Back To The Future," Rose told him. "We can't do that."

"Shame, I can do a great Michael J Fox," said Jack. "So how about we dress her up as a mermaid? Ooh, ooh, ooh! _Sonic trident_! Everything can be blue and glittery. How about a shipwreck? Actually, I know this great wedding planet and I'm sure they have an underwater chapel, covered in shells."

"Getting ahead of yourself, Jack," said Rose, "first things first, the rings."

"Well the rings can be boring and gold, but-"

"No, the rings they're already wearing." He thought for just a moment.

"We'll get them drunk, trick them into removing the rings. They'll wake up next morning and we'll whisk 'em away, totally unprepared. Maybe I'll film it and post it on the internet!"

"What's worse, a drunk wedding or a hungover wedding?" mused Rose jokingly, "actually, most weddings are hungover, aren't they?"

"Ours wasn't!" said Tentoo. Rose gave him a look.

"Just because you didn't have a hangover. How else was I supposed to get through a _whole night_ without you?" she hastily added.

"Yeah, yeah, save that for later you two," said Jack, "we've got a wedding to plan here?"

"We'll leave in the night, it can't be that hard to sneak out," Rose was whispering.

"It's not," said Tentoo, "he just likes this planet," he addressed Nine. "Can't we just leave now, then? If you're doing this with or without my supervision."

"Who says we need your supervision?"

"Trust me, I'll stop you going too far," said Tentoo, "I don't trust you three with this. Besides, in case you're forgetting completely we have a time machine. We can be gone for weeks and come back within an hour."

"Wait - can we say we're all... I don't know, going to the toilet?" Rose suggested, "then we'll be back in two minutes."

"Two minutes?" said Tentoo.

"Two minutes sounds good," said Jack.

"Yep, two minutes," said Jenny, and they all mooched off as a group.

"Wait - maybe we should bring somebody else?" said Rose, stopping them on their way to the exit. They were all whispering and probably looked awfully suspicious.

"Like who?" asked Jack.

"Some others who aren't taking this clone thing too well and might need a breather until the kids get back in half an hour," said Tentoo.

"Some people who know the Eleventh Doctor better than we do," said Jenny.

"Some people who have had plenty of wedding and marriage experience," said Rose.

"Ahhh," said Jack, understanding. Four heads turned to see the wide-eyed, dumstruck and completely silent Ponds, all sat at a large and completely empty table. Well, three seconds later it was no longer empty.

"Hi!" said Tentoo, Rose and Jack in synch. Jenny's smile faltered in confusion for a moment. "Now," he began, "you two don't look very happy right now, and we're all heading out for a few... erm... days, probably, to plan a wedding."

"But we're not trying to be mean to them," Rose said quickly, "which is why we need your help. We need to not do stupid, insulting things."

"And I really think you guys need to get out for a while," said Jack, "you-"

"Yes," said the Ponds together. They were very eager to leave.

"Right, so we're all going to the toilet now. Except we're not, but still, we'll be back in a few minutes. To this lot anyway. Coming?" asked Jenny.

"Where are you all going?" Clara asked as they'd almost left the room. Everyone was staring at the six of them walking off without an explanation.

"Toilet. Back in two minutes," said Rose, and they ran.

**AN: Alright, alright. I'll tell you what's gonna be going on. So, I'm keeping it in Rose's POV for this wedding-planning segment, then when they get back to Squam it'll go to Clara and stay as Clara for a bit then Rose again for a short while. That's what I'm thinking anyway. I'm not cutting out the bit with the clones, not at all, just delaying it. And this wasn't one of the originally planned storylines, this is an extra one, so Clara'll be around for more than 15 chapters, because I'm still doing this clone one and the other I had planned.**


	79. The Wedding Planners

**AN: Okay I just wanna say I love all you guys and you're all brilliant :) We're still with Rose here. And I get a lot of guest questions which is a tad annoying because I do answer most questions I get, so I'll start answering guest questions at the end of chapters. Sorry I didn't update for a few days, I've been caught up writing other things since I finally got an idea for a book.**

_The Wedding Planners_

It had been tricky getting back to the TARDIS. Nine hadn't been lying about the grid lasers or the security, but it hadn't been difficult for Jenny to use her bright pink sonic screwdriver (which Tentoo fawned over because he apparently hadn't seen it yet) to get rid of them. Although Tentoo also made a joke Rose didn't quite understand about back-flipping through them.

But, they got there in the end and Rose breathed a sigh of relief that it had been where they left it.

"Alright, where to first?" Tentoo asked.

"I think we should go to a wedding fair, then we can all split up," said Jack.

"Arranged a lot of weddings, have you?" Jenny asked him.

"Doll, you wouldn't believe it," he flirted. Rose wasn't quite sure _how_ it ended up as flirting, but it did. Rose didn't tell them to stop though, they were nowhere near whouffle-level... yet.

"Nobody here knows Clara," Amy said suddenly, "well, not what she wants in a wedding, anyway."

"Maybe she's always wanted a Vegas wedding?" said Rory, strangely hopeful. Maybe he wanted to do less work. Rose decided he'd probably been locked away before his own wedding, and Amy had planned the whole thing on her own and refused to let him anywhere near any of the arrangements. At any rate, his wife gave him a stupid look and shook her head.

"So, first stop, we go into her past and ask her about it?" Jenny suggested, ignoring him. "Is that safe?"

"Should be, it's not like we're preventing her death or anything, are we?" Tentoo said.

"January, 2013, go then," Rose said.

"Right you are," said Tentoo, then the three of them who could fly a TARDIS went to work trying to keep it steady during their quick dashes around the time vortex. Thankfully, it didn't take more than a minute for them to arrive.

"We in the right place?" Amy asked. Tentoo glanced at the monitor and nodded. "Right, you men, stay here. We'll go without you."

"Hey! What about me!" Jack asked, "she doesn't know anything about weddings!" he pointed accusingly at Jenny.

"I'm 207! I've been to weddings before, thanks very much," she said coldly.

"Not Earth weddings. And just because you've been to weddings doesn't mean you know how to plan one," he said. Jenny glared at him, but gave up, and stomped back around the console to sit down and cross her legs. "We leaving?" Jack said, pulling Rose and Amy with him, who both waved goodbye to their husbands in a split second, before the wooden, blue door shut in their faces, and they were faced with the exact same street they'd left over a week ago now. And luckily, the very person they were looking for was stood in the Maitland's doorway, shouting at the kids to get ready to school because their father had to go in early that morning and she had to drive them in the pillarbox-red twingo parked outside. Rose decided there and then the car was hideous.

But then she found herself staring at the ground as she'd just been dragged down.

"Ow! Jack! What are-"

"We gotta tail her til she gets rid of the kids," he hissed, holding Rose and Amy down.

"Get off us then and we'll move!" the latter growled. Rose heard a thump and a groan and then Jack keeled over. She didn't want to know what had happened, but she staggered to her feet and saw Clara and the two kids heading their way.

"Quick! Quick!" she was hissing, trying to get Jack to his feet. They'd darted behind a hedge in somebody's garden as Clara turned the corner.

"This is the wrong way," Angie groaned.

"Shush, I saw something," said Clara.

"I'll be late for school!" whinged Artie. Just as Clara was about to look around the side of the hedge and catch three completely unknown people skulking about in her neighbours' garden, she sighed and gave up.

"Alright, fine," she muttered, then she lead them away, ignoring Angie's various quips. Rose breathed a sigh of relief.

"We're waiting until she gets back, we can't tail her," said Amy. There was an attempt at an argument from Jack, but it was stomped out.

* * *

Every ten minutes or so, Jack had been checking around the corner. Finally, well over an hour later, he said the magic words.

"Code red future-spousey alert," he said. Rose put away her phone and the trio kept their heads low as they looked around the corner. They'd made their plans of what to say, and rehearsed a tiny bit with guesswork of Clara's words.

"Excuse us, madam," Jack said, getting to the front of the group. Clara stared around and eyed them suspiciously. "We're journalists for a wedding magazine-"

"I'm not married," she said, "or engaged. Or even in a relationship."

"Good! You're just the sort of person we're looking for for this survery," he said. Rose had strategically walked around to block her path home. "Just answer a few questions, we're noting them on the PDA." He nodded at Amy, who had her phone out as a prop.

"That's a phone," said Clara.

"_And_ a PDA!" Jack improvised. "So, what's your favourite colour?"

"What's that to do with weddings?"

"Please, I'm asking the questions. It's for a survey. The results will be published in July," he said. "Colour?"

"Red," she said.

"Favourite season?"

"Autumn."

"Hot or cold climate?"

"Hot, definitely."

"And what do you think of underwater?" Clara frowned.

"Er, it's okay? I guess..? I don't really-"

"Great! And what do you think of getting drunk and accidentally marrying someone in Las Vegas?"

"Bit reckless..." she muttered. Rose stifled the laugh. Oh, one day this would be one to add to the vast collection of anecdotes Clara was building. _Yes, I got drunk and married in Vegas... He called my father to explain everything... I attacked him with a champagne flute... We had a clone baby... My friends left in a time machine and planned a second wedding for us...__  
_

"Now the dress," Rose butted in. Jack glared at her. They'd almost had a fight over who was asking dress questions. "Long train or no train?"

"I... er-"

"Quick, quick! We do have places to be," she said sharply. It was like good cop bad cop, only with a wedding survey, not an interrogation.

"No train!" they were rushing her now.

"Meringue or more slim and elegant?"

"Er... Elegant..?" she said uncertainly. Rose really hoped she wasn't just saying anything.

"Classic white, or a more outgoing colour?" she said, subconsciously doing jazz hands.

"The first one."

"Finally," said Amy, stepping in. "What food would you want to see at a wedding for pudding?"

"Um... souffles, definitely... A really massive cake..?"

"And venue. Somewhere typical, boring, or somewhere crazy? Assuming your groom - or bride, we're not judging-" Jack then coughed something that sounded suspiciously like 'Nina' and Amy stood on his toes, "is quite fond of adventure?"

"It doesn't bother me, do what he wants, I suppose..."

"Wonderful, that'll be all," began Jack, "Also, be sure to always trust your doctor. Some of the things he does might be a bit crazy, and he might confuse you at times, but he loves you." Clara was completely baffled at this point.

"Oh, and champagne flutes are not weapons," Rose added, then Amy was pulling them both away.

"Enjoy your day!" she called.

"Why didn't you ask about the main course?" Rose asked her.

"Main course is fish fingers and custard, it's what he'll want," she said as they headed back to the TARDIS.

"Fish fingers and _what_?!"

"Custard, it's his favourite," Amy told her knowingly. Rose gagged. It sounded vile, and it looked like she was going to have to stave off the main and eat a whole lot of cake and souffle.

"Have fun?" Tentoo asked, leaning against the side console of Eleven's second control room. "You were gone a while."

"We had to wait for her to drop the kids at school and then come back," grumbled Rose.

"Let's set a course for the biggest wedding fair in the universe!" said Jack, them he smacked a button and moved a lever and they were thrown about wildly once again.

**AN: So I'm probably not going to write Nina into the story... And I doubt she'll be much more than a side joke unless they bump into Oswin, which they totally might, because a lot of you seem to want that. No, it's not a Clara-bashing fic. I just insult her and make fun of her a lot - probably because she's one of my favourite characters. And tell me in the reviews anything you want to see in their wedding! Because you all seem to want it SO BAD so I'll write loads of random stuff. Like, I don't know, who's the best man? Who's the maid of honour? What the hell is Martha gonna do? What kind of shenanigans is Jack gonna pull at the party with his homebrew? What's River gonna think? What will their vows be like? What the hell are whouffle gonna think!? I mean, tell me what you want and I'll do it, after all, I'm not too bothered about this wedding, you people are :)**


	80. You're Not On The Guest List

**AN: Hope you're ready to stick it out through this whole grueling planning process and this chapter entirely of conversation.**

_You're Not On The Guest List_

They stepped out of the TARDIS (to be fair, Jack leaped out of the TARDIS, rippling with excitement) into... an Earthling wedding fair. But after just a few moments, it was clear they were in the far future. Mostly by the window by Rose's side, which was overlooking the surface of the moon, and what she could only describe as blocks of flats. _Flats, on the moon!_, she thought.

"Since you stole the dress questions from us, me and Amy are going dress shopping," Jack said, throwing his arm around Amy's shoulder.

"Alright then! Me and Jenny will do... Venue," Rose said defiantly.

"What about us?" Tentoo asked her, glancing at Rory.

"Food and entertainment," Jack decided.

"Hold on, before we book anything, don't we need to know the venue?" Tentoo wondered, "and I thought you already knew what food you were getting?"

"You two do dress," Rose said, rethinking, "The four of us will go sort the venue now, then we'll do..."

"Rings?" Jenny suggested.

"Yes, we'll do rings and whatever else to do with the service."

"No, I know more about this time period, I'll sort the service," said Tentoo.

"I know a bit about that too," said Jack, "then there's bridesmaids' dresses, suits-"

"Aren't we getting bridesmaids' dresses too?" Amy asked him.

"We don't even know who the bridesmaids' are," Rose told her.

"Isn't it..?" she pointed at the three of them.

"We should've spoken to her father," Rose said, groaning.

"Are we even inviting her father?" Amy asked.

"God, we haven't even done a guest list yet! No wonder it takes people so long to sort out weddings..." muttered Jenny.

"Is there a café in here?" Jack asked, staring around for signs, "ah-ha, yes, that way. Let's get something to drink and we'll do the guest list on a napkin."

"I've got a load of coloured pens, we can colour code it!" said Tentoo excitedly. Rose stared at him. "What?"

"Nothing... Just never thought I'd see you get excited over colour-coding a wedding guest list," she said to him. He grinned toothily with his hands in his pockets. Somehow, even on Earth, he'd managed to make them transdimensional.

"Right," said Jack as they all sat down around two tables pushed together in the dinky café that was basically the same as every other café Rose had ever been in. That was one thing that didn't change over time. On the table in front of them Jack had spread out a bunch of napkins and Tentoo had emptied his pockets of about 100 pens and pencils. "Guest list," Jack picked up the closest napkin and a black pen.

"Well there's us," Rose said. Jack wrote '_Us (6)_' on the paper. "Then... Ninth Doctor, Tenth Doctor, Mickey, River..."

"Donna," said Jenny, "Martha?"

"Hold on, are we sure River will want to go?" Jack said seriously.

"I don't know, we can invite her anyway," Amy said.

"Oh, invitations!" Rose remembered, taking another pen and napkin and beginning a list of everything they needed to sort out. "And we may as well invite Martha."

"She'll enjoy it if Clara doesn't," said Tentoo.

"The point is Clara enjoying it," said Rose, "it's _her_ wedding - write them on the guest list."

"What about the Maitlands? Get Artie to be a page boy?" Jack said.

"Just the kids," advised Rose.

"And her father?" Jack suggested. Everyone thought.

"I don't think he'd enjoy it," said Rose, "we could send him a video..?"

"Yes, video. So we'll need a photographer," Jack said, nodding at Rose's napkin where she hastily scribbled the word.

"Small wedding," Rose commented.

"We should invite Nina," Jack said.

"No!" Rose ordered him.

"Oh, come on! They're friends!"

"Did you hear her talking about Nina?! She _hates_ her! You're not ruining it by trying to act out some schoolboy fantasy," Rose said sharply.

"Rose," said Tentoo, "I think her wedding's probably already ruined. We're the ones organising it."

"So that's it? That's the whole guest list?"

"I don't know, who would the Doctor want there?"

"Nefretiti," said Amy, "John Ridell... Er, Nixon?"

"No, don't invite Nixon, he's boring," said Rory.

"Yeah, he is a bit..." agreed Amy.

"Sarah-Jane and her kids!" said Tentoo.

"Sorry," said Jack, suddenly growing sincere, "Bad news about Sarah-Jane..." Tentoo collapsed back into his seat in grief after the painful news had reached him.

"Time travel... TARDIS..." he gibbered.

"No, it's best not to go back," said Jack, "but the kids? We can get the kids, who are they?"

"Luke Smith, Clyde Langer and Rani Chandra..." said Tentoo quietly. "K-9's there too..."

"So, who else?" Jenny prompted.

"Paternosters," Amy said, "Vastra, Jenny and Strax."

"Jenny?" asked Jenny.

"Different Jenny," Amy told her.

"Strax? Isn't that a Sontaran name?" frowned Jack.

"Yeah," said Amy, refusing to elaborate.

"O...kay," he said.

"Maybe we should go get Christina," joked Amy. Rose scowled.

"Alright, who is this 'Christina'?!" Jenny demanded.

"Well-" Rose began.

"That's a story for another time," Jack said, cutting across her, "so anybody I'm forgetting? Shouldn't bring Torchwood. Any members of UNIT?"

"Don't think they'd be too welcome," said Rory. "Well... Let's just play it safe and say no."

"Wait - the Brigadier and his daughter," said Amy.

"Yes, them," Rory said. Tentoo perked up for a moment at that.

"Er..." Jack thought of more people.

"Let's call someone," Rose said, flipping out her phone and using an over complicated version of Donna's number to call the right time.

"Rose?" Donna answered. Tentoo started asking the Ponds questions about the Brigadier's daughter.

"Yeah! Hi! Am I on speaker?"

"No..."

"Good! Long-story-short, we've left for a few days in the TARDIS to plan a wedding," Rose said.

"Who's-" Donna started to shout.

"No! Don't shout! It's a secret wedding. Well a secret from Clara and the Eleventh Doctor, anyway. And anyone who might tell them. We're doing the guest list now."

"And you need help?"

"Yes," said Rose, turning speaker-phone on, "any suggestions?"

"There was this nice family in Pompeii we rescued," she said, "Ood Sigma... Agatha Christie?"

"We can't get Agatha Christie, she's forgotten who we are. And Ood Sigma doesn't really understand weddings," said Tentoo. Suddenly the line was invaded by a multitude of voices. Rose clearly heard Ten and Martha shouting the most.

"I'll tell you what, Donna, you explain to them what's going on in secret and get them to text me people later," Rose said loudly.

"Alright!" Donna shouted angrily at the others, "Alright," she said, now friendly, to Rose, "you'd better be trying to make this good."

"We are! We stopped Jack inviting Nina!"

"Anything else?" she sighed.

"Yeah... try and find out Clara's favourite cake flavour and her favourite type of flower," Rose said.

"Okay," said Donna, then she started yelling at the others again just before she hung up.

"I think that's the guest list sorted on their end..." Rose muttered.

"Clara's echoes?" Jack said suddenly.

"No! We can't have two Claras at Clara's own wedding," said Rory.

"What about three?" Jack said, but he saw five steely glares looking back at him. "You're all boring."

"If you stop trying to invite stupid people we can do the underwater thing-"

"With a mermaid cos-"

"NO!" shouted everyone at him at once.

"Write bouquet on your list," Jenny told him. "And rings, we still need rings."

"I think we still need guests," said Rose. "What about Tommy Connolly?"

"From the 50s?" Tentoo asked. She nodded, "I don't know. Best not, he barely knows us."

"Adam," said Rose.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" said Tentoo, shaking his head. She just laughed.

"Shame about Lynda with a 'Y'," said Jack.

"Not Linda with an 'I', she was kicked off for property damage," Tentoo added and they laughed sadly.

"What about our good friends the Cult of Skaro?"

"Oh, _yeah_, let's paint a dog collar onto Sec and he can be the priest," he said. "Maybe Thay can be the ring bearer - don't trust Cahn, he's a bit loopy. He and Jast can be ushers."

"Maybe the Dalek Emperor can be the best man?"

"No, no, no, _Davros_ can be the best man."

"What about Lumic?"

"Oh, good point, didn't think about him... If her dad's not there, he can walk her down the aisle," said Tentoo.

"But then you've got the Supreme Dalek to think about," said Rose.

"Too many Daleks," he said.

"Well, if you invite one you've got to invite them all," said Rose, "We'll just drag the Genesis Ark out of the void and open it." And then they both nodded knowingly, before bursting out laughing.

"But that's a good point - who's the best man?" Jenny asked.

"Me," said Jack and Rory together.

"Jack, you barely know the Eleventh Doctor," said Rose.

"Plus, he was _our_ best man," said Rory, "only returning the favour."

"Okay. But I'm walking her down the aisle," he said.

"Fine then!" Rose gave up with him as she got about ten alerts on her phone notifying her of texts. She swiped it open and started reading some of the names.

"Wilfred - Donna's granddad; Frank, Laszlo and Tullulah - from New York in 1931; Shakespeare, apparently..; Matron Joan Redfern and Tim Latimer, from 1913; Sally Sparrow from 2007... that's all," said Rose, then she remembered somebody "Oh, here we go, Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North, Prime Minister and former Prime Minister."

"She died," said Jack.

"Oh yeah..." said Rose. "Plus, you weren't really on good terms, were you?" Tentoo looked at her darkly in a Last-Of-The-Time-Lords way he got from his namesake. "Nancy, we can go back to the '40s again, can't we?"

"Yeah, we can stop by on VE Day and have some fun," said Jack.

"No, Jack, we'll go to 1946. Safer there," said Rose, "See if we can find them."

"Elton and Ursula!" Tentoo suddenly shouted.

"No," said Rose.

"Why not?" Tentoo pouted.

"Because my mum doesn't like him, and she's a paving slab."

"Oh, come on! Please? Pretty please? Pretty-please-I'll-give-you-a-kiss-later-when-nobo dy's-around?" he said. She laughed at him. "Ha! I win! Elton and Ursula are invited."

"I think that's enough people," said Jenny, seeing the two napkins covered with names.

"No, Clara's spoken about this Professor from the Cold War they're both friends with, and this couple and their great-great-great-however-many-times-granddaughter from the 70s."

"Well... Maybe the TARDIS has a record of them," said Tentoo. "Add them to the list though."

"And we met this kid called Walter in the Wild West," said Rory. "He and the Doctor got along well enough."

"Right. Is _that_ everyone now?" Tentoo said. Everyone nodded as Rose got another text and he groaned.

"No, it's just Donna. She says 'chocolate and daffodils'," Rose told him. Well. At least now they knew what flavour cake to get. Then they went to work dividing up the duties roster. Then Jack smacked his hand on the table.

"I just remembered!"

"Remembered what?" asked Rory.

"I did this thing for joke a few years back. Well, to put it bluntly, I'm kind-of legally allowed to marry anyone anywhere anywhen."

"We'll get the Tenth Doctor to walk her down the aisle then," said Rose, scratching things and changing names.

**AN: No but seriously, give me any wedding ideas and I'll see what I can do, I've already had some already (which are really helpful so thank you guys!), but I don't want to let anybody with really high-hopes for this down :)**


	81. The Titanic Does Weddings?

**AN: You people have no idea how stressful organising this fictional is. Seriously. I am exhausted. And it's not even a third of the way over, I still have the drunk part to write, the actual wedding, and not to mention the rest of this clone plotline. **

_The Titanic Does Weddings!?_

They'd split up into three pairs. Rose and Jenny were stuck sorting out the venue and sorting out the rings. Jack and Amy were sorting out the dresses and the entertainment. Tentoo and Rory were sorting out the suits and the food.

They were wending their way through the wedding fair, looking for anywhere they could book a venue, or see a list of venues to go to before the big day - whenever that happened to be since it was going to take a fair few to get through their hefty guest list of twenty-seven people, since they couldn't post the invitations the conventional way - when Rose suddenly realised something. They'd easily decided the colour scheme would be red and TARDIS blue, but Rose realised daffodils did not fit the colour scheme at all, unless it was just primary colours, which would look hideous.

"Crap," she pulled out her phone and called Jack's speed dial, Jenny frowning at her.

"Hey," he said, "we're kinda busy here so-"

"No, it's important," Rose told him.

"Really? Or is-"

"It's about the colour scheme," she said quickly. His tone grew serious when he next spoke.

"Tell me everything."

"We can't have daffodils - they don't fit," she said. "And I'm useless with flowers.

"Okay... Entertainment won't take long, Amy and I will sort the flowers too. And I'll call the guys and tell them nothing yellow or daffodil." And Jack hung up.

"Well, that's one disaster averted," breathed Rose. _Get all the bouquets_, she texted Jack a moment later, then she put her phone away as they reached a little stand selling rings - and all of them were gold and more or less the same.

"We don't know their ring sizes," Jenny whispered to Rose. "And I bet the Doctor doesn't know his anyway."

"Maybe you can get ones that change size to fit? That or we'll have to guess..."

"We could always get them when we get the solot rings removed... somehow?" Jenny said.

"That'd be a better plan. I'll text Jack and the Doctor," said Rose. Jenny frowned. "_My_ Doctor, the one here."

"So - underwater," Jenny said.

"We could just push them in a pool and throw fish at them. Same thing," said Rose.

"You two are just as bad as whouffle," said Jenny.

"'Us two'?"

"You and Clara. You're either fighting or being all best-friends-forever," said Jenny, "only you don't act like friends when everybody else is around."

"We barely act like friends anyway! We don't talk!" Rose said.

"You're gonna end up matron of honour, you know," she said knowingly. "Definitely."

"Whatever," muttered Rose, "Ooh, what's this?" she hurried towards a big, pitch black tent.

"You can't change the subject that - ooh!" said Jenny, noticing the tent and forgetting her train of thought just as quickly as Rose had. There was somebody standing outside the tent with a book in his hands that had a lot of laminated pictures of different places, then a sign over the top of the tent read 'Simulator'.

"You two there! Ladies in love!" the man called to them.

"Whoa!" said Rose. "We're not... me and her... That's just..."

"Wrong... I would never... You're..."

"She's my... daughter," Rose said. It wasn't really a lie. She was her daughter. A bit. Jenny nodded fervently.

"Oh, you have my apologies. Looking for a wedding venue?"

"Yes. Yes we are. Do you have anywhere underwater?"

"That we do! Very popular, our underwater weddings. Expensive," he eyed them, trying to work out how much money they had by what they looked like.

"Money's no item. I have a rich father," said Jenny. Rose nodded, glad she had her infinite credit card that worked anywhere in time and space in her pocket. And stolen psychic paper, if that didn't work.

"Step into the simulator, please," he said, "Oh, which one of you is the bride?" They stepped into the blackness where the only way to hear him was through a mic and speaker link.

"Bride's not here, at all. She's entrusted the wedding arrangements to her friends," Jenny said, then she pointed to Rose, "she's the matron of honour, though. I'll be her... niece in law..." Jenny said uncertainly.

"Wonderful. Now, these venues are all completely real, this is just a simulator to show you them," he told them. Then suddenly they weren't in a dark tent on the moon, they were right at the bottom of the bloody sea and it was still almost dark they were _right in front of the Titanic_.

"No! Not this one! This is a terrible place for a wedding!" she shouted. The whole thing was horribly real. Stupid future, she thought, as she and Jenny stepped apart to avoid the ship bow which wasn't actually there. Then, in the blink of an eye, the scene changed. To the Titanic, again. Only this time they were actually on the majestic ship in the middle of the famous stairwell in its hey day - only it was empty.

"Of course this won't be a real ship. It's in a special, shallow, sectioned off part of the sea and hydraulics simulate the rocking - no danger of it sinking," he explained via intercom.

"No, we were really going for somewhere tropical - not a beach," said Jenny. The scene changed again, this time to somewhere that was thankfully almost a mirror of the corridor they'd landed in the clone facility. It was more or less a giant, glass dome with a church-like, shell-covered building at one end and a large, single floor and all-glass building at the other.

"This scene caters to the reception and the party and whatever else you'd like, and it also switches from night to day. And there is an entire underground - or should I say, undersand - hotel for your guests," he told them.

"Can it seat fifty?" Rose asked.

"Yes."

"We'll book it, then," Rose declared. "What's the date today again?"

"It's... March the 4th," said Jenny, using some Time Lady power. "What's the earliest free date you have? They... haven't set a wedding date yet."

"Any time in October. I assure you, the temperature does not change down there like it does on the planet surface," he said.

"October the... 21st?"

"That's a Friday," Jenny said.

"Well, we'll book fifty hotel rooms. They need somewhere to go when they're not in the TARDIS and we're with the clones. Oh, and we have our own priest. Really, we only need catering."

It took a lot of on-the-spot thinking, but finally Rose and Jenny managed to arrange everything. Including the catering. Then called up Ten and Rory to tell them not to bother and to explain everything, and they said how Jack had told them to sort out entertainment and they'd found and bought a ten-by-ten Twister mat and a spinner. Rose groaned, but at least it wasn't giant chess or draughts. More than two people could play twister.

"We'll leave them to their dress shopping then and go back to the café," Rose said to Tentoo over the phone, and they made arrangements to meet up.


	82. Garden Party

_Garden Party_

"What time is it?" Rose asked Jenny for the umpteenth time. She was now on her third cup of tea, and nobody had heard from Jack and Amy, or seen them sneaking about the fair. It had been three hours. Rose had gotten a text about an 'Owen family', consisting of Craig, Sophie and 'Stormageddon', AKA Alfie, in 2012. Then another text about an Emperor named Porridge from some huge empire in the future. Then she'd remembered Charles Dickens, and thought they had to go get him.

"Four o'clock," Jenny said. Now it had been three and a half.

"Where are we going next?" Tentoo asked.

"How many time travel thingies do we have?" Rory asked.

"How many what?" said Tentoo.

"Y'know, she's got a spaceship, too. And Jack has that... thing."

"Vortex manipulator," said Tentoo. "So, what, we divvy up the guest list and each go a different way?" Rory nodded, and this suddenly struck Rose as a good idea. "Well, if we stay in the same groups Jack can keep his precious little watch and use that-"

"We'll take my Messaline ship," said Jenny, indicating herself and Rose.

"And we'll have the TARDIS," said Tentoo, then he got excited, "Oh! I'll have to build you a gadget. Like... a sat-nav. Something to pick up on scattered artron energy, then you can fix it at its highest point and jump there just as the TARDIS left, get them at the right time." He was doing large mimes waving his hands about at this point. "And a radio, so we can always be in contact! We won't be setting off until tomorrow, will we? I'll have time to modify?"

"Modify all you like as long as you're not modifying the dishwasher," said Rose. He pouted. "Don't pout at me! Five times you'e flooded the kitchen! _Five times_!"

"Yeah, but only three of those times were to do with the dishwasher," he said. They'd had this argument hundreds of times before, and always ended with Rose giving up because he was just too stubborn. So she sighed and dropped the subject.

It was then that Jack and Amy finally showed up with a lot of bags of dresses and a bunch of bouquets of the red and blue and alien variety.

"We gonna relax for a while now?" Jack asked.

"Relax in the TARDIS! We've been here for three and a half hours, and we have a wedding date," said Rose. "In October." She and Jenny went on to describe the underwater venue, then, when they were back in the TARDIS (the corridors of which had - for some reason - reverted back to what they had been before. Left for bedrooms, right for the kitchen and keep going to get anywhere else. Rose wondered why the ship kept changing its interior design.) Tentoo went about explaining their plan. As usual, they migrated straight into the kitchen.

Then, it was time to split the guest list. A horrible, lengthy process.

"Oh! We forgot Van Gogh," said Amy.

"No, we are not inviting Van Gogh," said Rory.

"But we've met him! Just because you don't like him. You never even met him."

"I've heard the stories. And we've also met Hitler, but I don't see anyone wanting to invite him," Rory argued back.

"Anyway..." said Rose, "Me and Jenny will go get all these ones nobody else knows. So that's... Porridge, Emma Grayling, Alec Palmer, Hila Tukurian and Grisenko."

"You should take the Paternosters as well," Amy told her, "Jenny - I mean, Other Jenny, Vastra and Strax. Oh, Jenny's a human, Vastra's a Silurian and Strax is a Sontaran."

"That's a lizard and a potato," Tentoo supplied when Rose and Jenny appeared confused, but nevertheless she wrote them down on an actual piece of paper rather than a napkin this time.

"And you'll find them in Victorian London," Amy added.

"Right. So, if we're down in the 1800s anyway should we stop and get Dickens?" Rose suggested, scanning the other list.

"Er, yeah. Might as well. After all, he doesn't know any of us," said Tentoo.

"And we are inviting Van Gogh because he's friends with the Doctor," said Amy sternly, "And I'll go get him. And we'll also try and find Ridell and Nefertiti, and the Owens', since Craig knows me. A bit... So we've got six."

"We've got nine," said Rose.

"We don't have any yet. I want to go get Wilfred, and I'll also go stop in 1913 and get Joan Redfern and Tim Latimer. Good friends, sort of," he said. "It's probably best not to go get that family from Rome, they think I'm a god. They'd probably refuse to come because of their beliefs."

"So you only have three."

"Oh, Luke, Clyde, Rani and K9 as well," he said.

"So that's seven. We'll go get Nancy, too."

"I'd best go get Shakespeare. I doubt he'll listen to any of you lot. He's a bit... Well. You know," said Tentoo. Rose didn't really know what he meant, but she let him write Shakespeare on his list. "And also Elton and Ursula, since you hate them."

"I don't hate them!" Rose said. Tentoo laughed but said nothing else.

"I have... eleven," he said.

"We have eleven, too," said Rose.

"We've still got six," said Amy.

"We can go get this lot from 1931. Who's this Tullulah? Sounds like a showgirl," said Jack.

"She is a showgirl. A showgirl with a boyfriend. A boyfriend called Laszlo."

"So who's this Frank?"

"A kid from Texas who came to New York during the Great Depression," Tentoo explained. "So you have nine?"

"And we can go to the Wild West for Walter, so ten."

"Have we been stuck with the Americans?" Jack asked.

"Yeah," Rory said. "Hang on, aren't you American?"

"You could argue every human in the 51st century is an American," he said. "What about Alonso? Come on, gotta bring Alonso."

"You're date?" Tentoo asked.

"Yeah. Don't I get a plus one?"

"Not if you're carrying out the sermon. I think we have our plate full now anyway."

"We'll go get the Brigadier and his daughter," said Amy. "That's twelve."

"Who's left? We'll get them."

"Sally Sparrow, and probably Larry Nightingale as well," said Tentoo.

"What's with the birds?" Rose asked. "Anyway, we have thirteen. That makes thirty-six."

"Yeah, but where do we take them?" Jenny asked.

"...Sorry?" Tentoo was confused.

"Well you've got this big infinite spaceship. I have a tiny little Messaline ship with four seats, I cannot fit fifteen people in it."

"Er, just... Take them to Clara's house?" Tentoo said, "we can make a pick up later? And get the Maitlands?"

"We'll have to drop people off there, too," said Jack.

"Right. We're gonna need to get George Maitland out of the house, and get a whole lot of plastic chairs in their garden..." said Rose.

* * *

The TARDIS materialised on Monday, July the 8th, exactly half an hour after their past selves had left. Rose checked a watch Tentoo had been fidgeting with that autoset itself depending where you went. He'd invented it out of boredom and given it to her as an extra wedding gift - she hadn't thought much of it at the time, but now it was coming in useful.

The six of them went and knocked on the door.

"Sorry, we can't have visitors right now," said Angie a few minutes later. She and Artie were probably still watching over their father.

"It's us," called Rose, "well... Six of us. This is urgent!" Angie unlocked the door. "Er, how's your dad?" Rose asked.

"Still unconscious," said Angie.

"Well he didn't bang his head, he'll be fine. Pass it off as a daydream," said Tentoo, "Now, I'm sorry, I really am, but we need to borrow your garden for a bit."

"Why are there only six of you?" Angie asked.

"Well... We snuck off from everyone else. They're all busy right now on an ocean planet looking after some clones," said Rose.

"Kamino? That's a real place?" Artie popped up from somewhere.

"No! I'm not explaining about the imprinting experiment again. It's called Squam, and the clones are sort-of the kids of the two donors. But we said we were going to the toilet when we really went back to the TARDIS to secretly plan a wedding."

"Whose wedding?" asked both Maitlands.

"Well that's the best part! We thought, because Clara and the Doctor don't remember their wedding - and nobody else does, either - we'd arrange another one! In secret! Look, it's going to take a while to explain. Can we come in?"

* * *

"You're gonna get them drunk and cut off their rings and get them new ones? Do you know how creepy that sounds?" Angie asked them with her eyebrows raised as they all crammed into the living room after explaining their entire plan. This place was starting to become Rose's second home. Or possibly third home, after the TARDIS. Maybe fourth home, after her flat in this universe.

"Whatever. Can we have the garden?"

"What're you gonna do if my dad wakes up while they're still here?"

"Er... We'll think of something," said Amy.

"Fine. Have the garden."

"Great! Come and unload chairs with us."


	83. Whouffle Scavenger Hunt

_Whouffle Scavenger Hunt_

The previous day had been incredibly tiring, and everyone woke up in a bad mood the next day and couldn't be bothered having anything but soggy cereal fo breakfast. And by that point, it was time for moody goodbyes and cramped conditions in Jenny's spaceship. At least it wasn't the vortex manipulator though, they had one of those at Torchwood on the parallel Earth and Rose hated it.

"Where first?" Rose yawned. She didn't know how much sleep she'd had, but it wasn't enough.

"Who's on top of the list?"

"Porridge," said Rose. At once, the weird-sat-nav-thing Tentoo had spent the whole night inventing lit up and gave them coordinates and an exact time. "Well, at least that wo-AHHH!" they were blasted forwards into somewhere that wasn't the TARDIS so suddenly Rose hit her head. Then they slowed and Rose could see the time vortex around them as they shot through reality.

"Ow..." she grumbled.

"Sorry, ship's a bit excited," Jenny said.

"Not another alive ship..."

"There's an AI, but I usually turn it off because it's a bit annoying." They jerked violently when she said that.

"Well do you think you can be a bit more polite to it?!" Jenny ignored her, and then suddenly they stopped in the throne room of some giant ship. They stayed silent as the engines cut. "Are we cloaked?"

"I... I don't know..." she said. "We'd better get out though."

"You think?" said Rose, clambering over the other seats Jenny had added herself to get out of the patchwork disaster. The tiny hatch on the side slid down and extended into narrow steps which she and Jenny exited by. Then they turned to see they were being stared at, and that cloaking had not been on the ship.

"Ah... This guy's an Emperor, right?" Jenny whispered.

"I don't know, it would be better if we had a photo," Rose whispered back, "I don't know what these people look like. I only know Dickens and Nancy." Then there were men and women with guns all around them and they were pushed in front of a throne on a plinth in the vast, marble room. And sat in the throne was a bored looking little man.

"How did you get in here?" asked one of the soldiers.

"We flew here. In that big, un-cloaked ship," Rose said.

"Yeah, alright, I'll remember to cloak it next time."

"There won't be a next time, we're confiscating the technology."

"Wait! You can't do that! We're here to speak to Porridge, on behalf of the Doctor!" Rose shouted as they were cuffed.

"The Doctor?"

"Yes!"

"The same Doctor who stole my bride?"

"Yes, the same - hang on, _what_?!" Rose questioned.

"I was to wed the beautiful Clara Oswald," he said. The two women burst out laughing.

"You were to..? Oh... What?! Can I just make a phonecall?" Rose asked.

"Every time you make a phone call we have to go back later, you know," Jenny told her.

"Well, we'll lie and say the Squam food doesn't agree with you and you had a bit of - Hi! Donna, me again!" Donna answered the phone.

"We just texted! What do you want now?"

"No, that was yesterday. How did you find out about this Porridge guy?" Rose asked. Her rudeness was baffling the guards and the Emperor (who Rose deduced must be Porridge) so much they didn't do anything about it.

"I overheard them talking, they're still talking about him."

"Yeah, well did you hear he was gonna bloody marry her?! Really bad choice of wedding guest!"

"_What?!_"

"Yeah! He's talking about the Doctor stealing his bride to be!"

"Try and get him along anyway! They all seem fond of him." And she hung up. Rose cursed.

"Sorry about that. The thing is, you don't have the authority to confiscate Time Lord technology," said Rose.

"I'm the Doctor's daughter, a Time Lady," Jenny said. Well, that got the handcuffs removed.

"And I'm the Doctor's... er... the Doctor's half-brother's wife," said Rose. "We're here on behalf of the Eleventh Doctor and his... well... fiancé... Clara Oswin Oswald..."

"We're inviting you to their wedding," said Jenny.

"But they just left!"

"Time travel! They're getting married now and as her most trusted friends we're planning the entire thing behind their backs, and we're inviting you because somebody not here right now suggested it," said Rose quickly.

"I suppose I'd better go. Out of respect," he said. He looked around at the soldiers. "I order you to let me go with these people. Friends of Clara's are friends of mine and friends of yours." And they made no move to stop him.

* * *

"One down," said Rose after they dropped Porridge off at the Maitlands'. "Twelve to go. Emma Grayling, Alec Palmer and Hila Tukurian now. In 1974." They were propelled into flight again.

"And can we have some photos this time?" Jenny asked the ship, which printed off a polaroid photo of two women and a man. They landed in front of an old house - with the cloaking on this time - just in time to see the TARDIS warp away.

"Emma Grayling! Professor Alec Palmer! Hila Tukurian!" Rose. called out. The figures turned around to see the pair of them staggering forwards. Time travel was exhausting.

"You've been invited to a wedding," Jenny said.

"What? Whose wedding?" asked Palmer.

"You know those two who just left now? Theirs. We're doing lots of espionage to arrange this affair, and you can be back five minutes from when you left because we've come from the future. And the past. Well, we're going the past soon."

"They're getting married?"

"Yes. And you're invited. And we have to go to Antarctica in 1988 next, so can you hurry up?" Jenny said.

"Well, we can't just leave!"

"Of course you can just leave! Time travel! Completely safe, when it's done properly. Five minutes, then you'll be back here," said Rose. They took a lot of convincing, since they seemed convinced there was something highly wrong with the Doctor, but finally they were all crammed into the back of Jenny's ship, since she couldn't be bothered making two stops to 1974.

"It's the one right there, with all the chairs in the garden. Just tell them you're here for the wedding," Jenny advised the trio as she kicked them out of the ship so they could go find this Professor Grisenko.

"See a submarine anywhere?" Jenny asked Rose when they landed, looking out of the one, porthole-like window at the front of the hull. They looked around.

"Maybe it's behind us. You should uncloak, we might not have to go out there," said Rose, eyeing the frozen wastes suspiciously as Jenny flicked the button and the air outside rippled slightly. Then a bunch of naval soldiers ran out in front of the big Messaline ship.

"We should probably just get out," Rose said. Jenny grabbed a coat from a coat rack (she'd added so many random things into it - the large backseats reclined and folded out into a bed, apparently) and they jumped down, and Rose instantl felt like she was going to die of cold.

"Is there a Professor Grisenko here?" Jenny asked. Rose was shivering too much to speak as an older man with headphones around his neck stepped forwards. Didn't the electronics freeze out here?

"That's me," he said.

"Do you know someone called the Doctor and someone called Clara Oswald?" she said, also struggling to speak in the antarctic climate.

"Yes! Just travelled with them for two weeks and get them back to their spaceship. Do you know, I learned some really interesting things abo-"

"Yes, yes. Those two are getting married. We're their friends and we're organising the whole thing in secret, it's very complicated, you're invited, that's a spaceship, come with us and you'll be back here in five minutes."

"What music will there be?" he asked.

"Eh?"

"Music?"

"I don't know," said Jenny.

"Duran Duran?"

"Alright! If you come with us, we'll play some Duran Duran for you!" Rose hissed, climbing back up the ladder to escape frostbite. Thankfully, Jenny and Grisenko both followed and Jenny managed to explain everything in a lot more detail and the ship produced a mug of tomato soup from somewhere for Rose to slurp. He also made a comment about wondering why the U-Boat's Captain wasn't invited, then answered himself because there had been some sort of falling out between the Captain and whouffle about an engine malfunction.

* * *

"Let's go get these Paternosters, whoever they are..." mumbled Rose, "but I'm not leaving my soup. Victorian London is cold." Rose was getting used to the jerky, too-fast travel in Jenny's ship by the time they appeared in a park somewhere with cloaking thankfully back on. It looked like a spring evening, the sky darkening.

"Don't see anyone," said Jenny, looking around.

"Come on," Rose said, stepping out with Jenny behind her. They stared around, but the place was completely deserted apart from a woman with black hair and a black dress walking past in a hurry. Then she glanced back and did a double take at the two who had just appeared and came marching up to them.

"Who're you then?" Rose asked her.

"I could ask you the same thing!" she said. Rose just frowned.

"Do you live here?" Jenny asked her.

"So what if I do?"

"Right... We're looking for a lizard and a potato, haven't seen anything like that?"

"Come with me," she said, dragging them both with surprising strength. Rose and Jenny exchanged a look and the latter shrugged, equally confused about what was going on when they were pushed through the doors of a building.

"Oi! You're making me spill my soup!" Rose shouted angrily.

"Keep your voices down, and stay 'ere!" she ordered them

with a thick cockney accent, then she climbed some stairs huffily. Around the corner emerged... Well, emerged... A potato..?

"Any attempt of resistance will be met with deadly force," he said, "May I take you coats?"

"No, we're not staying long..." said Rose, squinting at him. Then the woman appeared at the top of the stairs again and indicated for them to come up.

"Well you're not very polite. Are you this 'Other Jenny'?" Jenny asked her.

"Other Jenny? Well who are you?"

"Me? I am the Doctor's 207 year-old daughter! That's who!" she announced. Other Jenny exchanged a worried glance with someone in the room, which slightly resembled a rainforest. A woman - if it was a woman - with a veil sat in a chair.

"I'll give you the one-word test," said the woman, then she threw back the veil and revealed a green scaly face. Definitely a lizard. "Sit," she told Rose, who did if for no other reason than to entertain them. Jenny leant on the back of the wicker chair.

"I will ask you questions, and you must answer them in just one word," she said.

"Why?" Rose asked.

"Because the lies are told in many words, and -"

"Yeah, yeah. I get it. Do your test," she said. The woman - who Rose presumed was Vastra - looked put-off by their reactions.

"Who are you seeking?"

"Paternotsers," Rose sighed.

"Why?"

"...Urgh... Wedding."

"Whose?"

"Whouffle."

"Sorry?"

"_Whouffle_."

"I beg your-"

"Right, forget about this. I'm Rose Tyler, maybe you've heard of me. Apparently you know the Eleventh Doctor and Clara Oswald, so we've come all this way to invite you to their wedding. We'll take you there now, you'll be back in five minutes."

"The Doctor is getting married? Again? To Clara?" asked Other Jenny.

"Yes. He's getting married to Clara again," said Jenny.

"_Again_?!" demanded Vastra and Other Jenny.

"Yes! The Eleventh Doctor is getting married again to Clara again!" said Jenny.

"It's a very long story. So... the TARDIS broke, all the Doctor's closest companions for 300 years got sucked inside, there was a party, everyone got completely smashed and the Doctor and Clara got married. And then they actually started properly dating and it's really stressful and now we're secretly organising a second wedding for them to be nice and it's very hard and we're all very tired and we'd love if you would just come to this wedding for a bit then you can all go home in the TARDIS and be back here in five minutes, alright?"

* * *

"We're getting Dickens now. I know Dickens. This should be easy," Rose said, and they returned to Christmas Eve at the end of the alleyway as Charles Dickens walked away, laughing and coughing. Then she scared the hell out of him by jumping out of nowhere.

"I - But - You were -" he spluttered, staring back.

"Yeah, I know. Listen, the Doctor is getting married, and he wants you to be at his wedding, so we've come back in a spaceship from the future, yada-yada-yada -"

"Say no more! I agree wholeheartedly!" he said happily. Well. That was easy. And there next stop was a cold evening in January in 1946 outside a small terrace Rose presumed belonged to Nancy. She knocked on the door, she and Jenny verging on becoming comatose, as someone Rose knew answered. And, well, it was a Sunday, so they were both dragged in for a traditional Sunday Roast. Rose admitted seeing Jamie - even though he was now nine and no longer wearing a gas mask - was a little strange.

"Didn't think we'd see you again," she said, dishing everything out into plates.

"Well, things happen," said Rose. Then she grinned. "Told you you won." Nancy laughed.

"Yep, we did," she said back, slicing the meat. "So what brings you back?"

"The Doctor is getting married," said Rose.

"To you?" Nancy asked.

"No, not to me. I am the matron of honour though, apparently. Well, he's getting married, to a girl called Clara, and it's quite complicated but this wedding is a secret from the bride and groom."

"Why?"

"Because they accidentally went to Las Vegas and got married, but then they actually fell in love, so, because we're kind, we're organising them a second, proper wedding," said Jenny.

"And you're invited. And so is Jamie, I suppose," said Rose. "You'll be back in five minutes, we have a time machine."

"Fine by me."

"We can go after tea." And over dinner, Rose explained the complications of regenerations and tried to explain about Ten and Eleven and Tentoo and Jenny, before they dropped her and her son at the Maitlands (which was becoming packed with people Rose didn't know) and went to their final stop, 2007, to meet Sally Sparrow.

* * *

"I am gonna sleep forever tonight," grumbled Rose.

"Really? With thirty-six random people in the TARDIS we'll probably have to manage?" Jenny said. Rose made a noise that was a cross between a yawn and a groan.

"Stupid guests."

"It'll all work out in the end, we'll dump them in the hotel soon and then we can go back to Squam, take care of all this clone business, and get them drunk."

"Angie's right, saying we're gonna get them drunk does sound pretty weird." But then they'd landed right in the middle of a London street. Outside Rose could see a couple (she knew Sally from the polaroid the ship had spat at them) stood, holding hands and staring off into the distance.

"Right. Final curtain call," said Rose, lowering the ladder again and stepping out. God, she was tired. "Sally Sparrow? Larry Nightingale?"

"Er, yes?" said the man of the couple. He must be Larry.

"You've been honourably invited to the Eleventh Doctor's secret wedding. It'll be really cool... And underwater... You'll be back here in five minutes... Invisible time machine," she said.

"Sorry, we're quite tired. We've been all over the place today. I mean, we went to 1974, Antarctica in 1988, Victorian London, Victorian Cardiff, London in 1946 and some place in the future on some spaceship," said Jenny, "I'm the Tenth Doctor's daughter. The Tenth Doctor is the Doctor you know. Then he died, and regenerated into the Eleventh Doctor and he's getting married, it's pretty complicated."

"A wedding? But we've barely met the man," said Larry.

"You can meet him now, thank him properly, he can thank you for whatever you did," said Rose. "Just please, get in the ship, then I can go into the TARDIS and have a very long nap before I have to face the bride and groom tomorrow, er, kind of."

"Okay then! Should we pack?" Sally agreed for both of them.

"Yeah, probably. Go pack now, we'll wait."


	84. Bunkbeds Are NOT Cool!

**AN: So here you go, have some more Clara.**

_Bunkbeds Are NOT Cool!_

"They've been gone for a while," Clara said to Eleven. She'd gone back to leaning on his incredibly comfy shoulder to cope with everything involving clone children.

"Just ten minutes," said Eleven.

"When they said two."

"They're only in the toilet. What can they get up to in ten minutes?" Clara raised her eyebrows at him.

"Seriously? You're just too... cute," she finished, decided not to say stupid. He swelled with pride at that, when suddenly, the six missing members of their group burst around the corner.

"Come back have you?" Clara said to them. Rose shook her head. She looked like death. "Where you have you been? You look awful," she squinted. Rose and Tentoo both flopped down on the table.

"I want..." she croaked, "A really big chocolate milkshake." Unlike usual, Tentoo did not leap up to get Rose's milkshake.

"What the hell were you doing in that bathroom?" Clara asked, "you were fine ten minutes ago."

"Ten minutes?" groaned Rose, "Ten bloody minutes? Urgh!" she purposely smacked her head on the backboard. Clara pulled Eleven closer to her to whisper in his ear.

"Where do you think they've been?" she asked him. He turned to face her, and, well, it was hard not to blush and swoon when the man you loved's face was less than two centimetres away from your own, his eyes staring into yours like - _Snap out of it!_ she told herself, forcing herself to pay attention.

"Not where they say," was all he said.

"Maybe you should go get Rose's milkshake," Clara told him.

"Why, wifey?" he moaned, leaning away, but she grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

"Because you're a very good, nice, kind, brilliant, adorable, chivalrous man," she told him, "being nice to your wife's friends."

"Alright, fine, _but_," he said.

"No, y-" but he'd put his finger on her lips, and she just couldn't speak when he was doing that.

"But," he repeated, "I want loads of kisses from you in return for doing this nice thing." Clara acted a gasp of disgust.

"Blackmail!" she pulled away from him and he held her chin and brought their faces even closer than two centimetres.

"You better believe it," he murmured. "Promise?"

"Yep," she breathed. And then, without so much as a kiss, he'd swept around, the tails of his coat spinning behind him, and galloped off to the bar of the weird diner they were in. _Way to lead a girl on, Doctor_. Clara stared after him with her head in her hands. Then, she realised something wasn't right. Not one of the twelve other people in the room had yelled at them to stop flirting.

"Are you alright?" Clara asked Rose, who had been watching them through half closed eyes. Tentoo looked ready to fall asleep, too.

"You know what? You two? Why don't you just get bloody married!" she said angrily.

"We're already married..." said Clara. Were they drunk?

"I really want a milkshake," muttered Rose. Yep, they were drunk. Somehow. They'd only been gone for ten minutes.

"Back now, wifey!" declared Eleven, holding two huge milkshakes above his head, "Got you a milkshake, too!" He set one of them down in front of Rose and one in front of Clara, who didn't know she was also craving a milkshake until just then. She shoved the slush-puppy-thing aside to slurp the liquid chocolate.

"Milkshake!" said Rose, tearing the lid off the thing and tossing away the straw to drink the whole thing in one. Clara, Eleven and Tentoo all gawped at her, as she went about demanding caffeine.

"Rose, just calm down," said Clara, "what's wrong?"

"Nothing is bloody wrong, why would anything be bloody wrong?" she cussed, "what the bloody hell have bloody people been bloody saying about me behind my bloody back!?"

"Nothing! You just look a bit... peaky, is all," said Clara.

"You have no bloody idea just how bloody peaky I bloody am," growled Rose. Then she fell asleep.

"What the hell were you doing in that bathroom?!" Clara demanded of Tentoo, who spluttered and looked around for help from one of the other four people, who were all looking just as tired.

"You don't wanna know, only, we're all very tired and would very much like to talk to some of the Squami and go to bed," said Tentoo boredly.

"Go talk to them then, I'd rather not wait for the clones to get back," she said. She would really rather spend a couple of hours completely alone in a bedroom with her husband, not that she had ulterior motives or anything...

Tentoo sighed and propped the sleeping Rose on the wall next to her and then slid out of the booth to go find a Squami. Clara watched him go and eyed Rose with suspicion when Eleven stole a kiss from her.

"You're supposed to give people warning, Chin," she told him, though she was clearly blushing.

"Your mouth tastes like chocolate," he said like a child. Honestly, this was a married man and he was stealing kisses and talking about chocolate? It was ridiculously immature, and Clara would be just as immature if she did anything other than tell him how daft he was being. So, obviously, Clara giggled at him.

"Jus' giv i' a res'," groaned Rose. Clara frowned at her. If she was genuinely asleep, that was the weirdest sleep talking she'd ever heard. Tentoo sauntered back over then.

"They're showing us rooms, I lied about human sleep patterns. And about us being human," he said, looking at Eleven. "Come on, Rose. You can sleep in a proper bed if you just walk for a little." He tried to wake her up and hauled her onto her feet. Clara pushed Eleven out of the booth (ignoring his protests) and went to support Rose's other side.

"Whe's 'oo-flay?" grumbled Rose.

"Whouffle? They're right here," said Tentoo.

"Whouffle? What's 'whouffle'?" asked Clara.

"Err... Nevermind..." said Tentoo. "Ask Jenny! It was her idea!"

"Or just tell me?"

"It's..." he sighed and gave up, "well it's your couple name. You and him. Jenny thought of it. It's 'Who', that's him, and 'Souffle', that's you," he explained.

"Well, that's just brilliant," Clara muttered as they followed Derek through some corridors until... A huge room. Full of seven bunkbeds. Fourteen beds in total. Single beds. And they didn't actually have pyjamas. And there was a door in the corner Clara presumed was a bathroom.

"Well, doesn't this look fun," said Eleven moodily. Clara shot him a look to make him act less like a disappointed teenager who'd found out his girlfriend's parents were getting back home earlier than expected and he had to scarper.

"What's wrong with bunkbeds?" asked Amy, walking past him.

"Everything's wrong with bunkbeds. Bunkbeds are rubbish," he pouted, disgruntled.

"I thought bunkbeds were cool?" said Rory, feigning confusion.

"Who told you that? They're an idiot whoever they are." The Ponds cleared their throats and looked at him. "What?" he glanced at Clara, who was looking at him with the exact same disappointment. "What!? Wifey, tell me what's so funny!"

"Nothing, nothing at all..."


	85. Corpse Bride

**AN: And back to Rose for a bit. Look at me, quickly changing viewpoint like it's going out of fashion. I always want to show you guys like a diagram of the room they're in though, but it'd be a bit weird to post a drawing of a kitchen and a bedroom on tumblr because it'd freak out my other followers since I haven't promoted this fic at all. Btw, my url is still hannigram-bakes-whouffles for any of you have tumblr and don't yet follow me.**

_Corpse Bride_

Rose remembered shouting at Clara in the space-diner. Then she remembered something pushing her onto a cold metal floor and waking her up. That was the second time she'd banged her head in two days, or however many days it had been. She was starting to lose track as she rubbed her eyes open.

She looked to her left to see what had happened. And glared into darkness when she saw her good-for-nothing husband spread eagle across the whole single bed. This was why they had a queen sized bed at home, because of Tentoo and his bad habit of pushing Rose out of bed repeatedly. She didn't bother to be gentle as she pushed him across into the wall and stole the whole duvet, which was more like a blanket.

* * *

Rose then woke up again when somebody turned on the lights, and her groans joined the groans of mostly everybody else in the room.

"Mickey, what are you doing?" Martha groaned. Rose opened her eyes a smidge to see she was once again in danger of being kicked off the bed again and that Mickey had been the one to turn on the light.

"It's ten o'clock!" he argued.

"So?" came Clara's voice from somewhere, "Sleeping is like, seriously the best thing ever. We should just sleep until it's time to go, then we can just leave." Rose searched the room for where she was (after jabbing Tentoo with her elbow to get him to retract his limbs). Rose frowned when she found Clara, who wasn't looking to pleased with the fact Eleven had his arm stretched out on top of her head.

"Is he asleep?" said Rose. As she did she heard a rumbling snore.

"No," Clara answered, "he's pretending."

"...Why?"

"I have no-" but she stopped speaking when he feigned a mid-sleep yawn and plastered her face with his fingers, leaving a gap for her eyes. "Idea," she finished. Then she bit his ring finger. Rose would have laughed if she'd burned her mouth on his solot ring, but she didn't.

"Ow, wifey!" whined Eleven, propping himself up and then resting his chin on her head. She still didn't look particularly impressed, but Rose wasn't going to say anything that might mess them up - thus messing up all their carefully laid out plans. Rose had been so tired the previous day - after she and Jenny had returned from their rounds, they'd had to herd the group into a safe area of the TARDIS while Tentoo tried to explain the complications of regenerations - though it had been quite funny to see a mock-up slide presentation of fake photos the ship had created.

"You're gonna crush me with that so-called chin," Clara said to him.

"Well, you're gonna strangle me with that so-called hair," he retaliated. Oh. Maybe Rose should have intervened. She'd remember that the next time they started insulting each other.

"Calm down," groaned Tentoo. Rose glanced at him. He still had his eyes shut. "Doctor, that was a stupid thing to say. Clara, he didn't mean it." Tentoo's words didn't stop Eleven getting his hair ruffled, it had somehow remained more or less untouched in its floppy style during the night. Rose thought maybe Eleven didn't writhe around as much in his sleep, Tentoo looked like he'd been dragged through a hedge.

"Probably deserved that," muttered Eleven. Then he snickered to himself as he rolled over and, clearly on purpose, pulled their whole duvet with him. Maybe he was as bad as Tentoo.

Rose didn't know how long she'd slept for, just that she was still too tired to properly function. So she left whouffle to their bickering and rolled over.

"Is being a human always this tiring?" groaned Tentoo.

"Only when you're time travelling all day and secretly planning a wedding," Rose whispered in his ear. He laughed and hugged her, and they were about to fall asleep like that when there was band from somewhere in the room. Alarm bells went off straight away about whether it was whouffle trying to gravely injure eachother. Thankfully it wasn't. It was worse.

It was the Squami banging on the door. And then they opened the door, said nothing, and shoved six humanoids into the room. Whouffle were once again pretending to be asleep. Rose and Tentoo were in danger of falling asleep, along with Jack and Jenny and the Ponds, all of them thoroughly exhausted.

"Five more hours, please?" groaned Amy from somewhere Rose couldn't see since the room was a weird L shape and the Ponds were around the corner. Rose didn't care too much about the clones. She and Tentoo went back to sleep anyway.

* * *

And then she was pushed onto floor. By Tentoo. Again. And rather than get up she simply crossed her legs, slightly annoyed she was stuck in the same clothes she'd worn yesterday and fallen asleep in, but they were leaving later that night, and she'd been through worse. But if she had to be awake (and thus stressed about the wedding), then whouffle were not getting out of it by pretending to sleep.

She waved at Jack and caught his attention, beckoning him over from what appeared to be a poker game. She gave it a curious look.

"Yeah?" he asked, keeping his voice low because everyone knew the 'happy couple' were not sleeping.

"Go 'wake them up'," she asked him, doing air quotation marks. He thought for a moment, before a very evil idea twinkled in his eye. He studied the bed for a moment (they were on the bottom bunk), before executing a perfectly aimed leap onto the bed, right in between them both. Rose broke out laughing as Clara shrieked, toppling to the floor.

"Wakey, wakey! Rise and shine you pair of lovebirds, you!" said Jack, jumping off the bed and throwing the duvet to the floor. Well, he aimed for the floor. He actually threw it over Clara, who got to her feet and looked like a ghost, until it slid off her head, leaving her with messy tangled her, as she glared at up at Jack.

"Holy... You look like Norman Bates' mother," he said. Clara gasped with offence and marched off into the bathroom, Rose presumed she'd gone to find a hairbrush.

"That was harsh," said Martha. Rose was momentarily stunned. Martha was the last person she'd expect to defend Clara. "She doesn't look like a decaying corpse. And I've seen decaying corpses."

"I'll just go see if she's alright then, shall I?" muttered Eleven, following his wife and glaring at Jack on the way past. Jack grinned back at him.

"Sorry, wifey," Jack called through the open door. Then it shut. "Okay, Rose, so I was thinking last night," he said suddenly, becoming serious and sitting on the floor next to her, "we didn't get a cake."

"What?" asked Tentoo, by their side on the floor in a moment. Then, upon hearing this devastating news, the Ponds came over from the other side of the room with Jenny trailing behind them.

"There's no cake!"

"And we didn't organise one with the venue, either..." muttered Rose. "Maybe they can do it!" she pointed at the others who were mid-poker game with the clones. She didn't question how that had happened.

"Maybe we should brief them while husbandy and wifey are away?" Jenny suggested.

So, ten minutes later and whouffle still doing whatever it was they were doing in the bathroom (Rose _really_ hoped it was something completely normal to do when you were in a room next to twelve people who you knew wouldn't think twice before opening that lockless door), the others - and by default also the clones - had been told everything. The only one not there was River, who apparently had switched herself off or something.

"You went and got all those people?" asked Donna, disbelieving.

"Well, some of them didn't want to come," said Tentoo, "Nurse Redfern being one of them."

"And the Brigadier and his daughter. Said they were busy," said Amy, "the concept of time travel and its unreliabilities didn't make them too keen."

"That makes thirty-three, not including us," said Tentoo.

"And... where are they now?" Donna asked.

"Well they're hopefully enjoying themselves and not fighting. Hope Dickens and Shakespeare get on alright..." muttered Tentoo worriedly.

"Well, when we go back to that giant mall, I'm sure we can stop at some cake shop for-" but whouffle came out of the bathroom and Clara's hair was sorted. Rose had been assured there was no hairbrush in there, so she guessed Clara had spent ten minutes untangling it all herself.

"...What..?" Clara asked them when silence had fallen (**AN: Sorry I had to**).

"Nothing," said everyone at the same time.

"Were you talking about us?"

"No!" eleven voices said in sync.

"We've just been introducing everyone to everyone," Martha said, addressing the clones Clara could no longer lie to avoid. Rose gave Martha a questioning look about why she was suddenly being polite.

"So, I suppose you've already finished? Brilliant! We'll just go-"

"No, you can stay here," Rose said to her as she tried to leave. "I think Donna, Mickey, Martha and the other two Doctors are going to go get us some breakfast. And possibly a cake. Maybe talk. To eachother. About getting some cake. In the future," she hinted badly.

"Yes. Yes, that is exactly what we were about to do," said Nine, getting the message.

"Can I have some cake?" Clara asked. Everyone exchanged glances, since now everyone was in on the wedding.

"Well, what sort of cake?" asked Nine.

"What flavour?" asked Donna.

"What colour icing?" asked Martha.

"What decorations would you like?" asked Mickey.

"Any preference for cream flavour?" asked Ten. "Do you even like cream?" he added.

"Err..." she said, taken aback by the influx of prying questions involving cake. "Cake's not... slang for something, is it..?"

"No, course not! What are you lot playing at, just go get breakfast. Leave the woman alone," said Rory through gritted teeth. The others all left eventually, leaving Clara with them. Suddenly the secret wedding was the only thing Rose could think to talk about, and the silence was getting increasingly awkward.

"So," said Jack, picking up Martha's hand of cards and rejoining the poker game. "You two took a while in that bathroom."

"Well there isn't a hairbrush," said Clara. Rose had been right. "If you had long hair, you'd understand."

"Hey Rose, did I tell you about what happened last night?" Jack asked her. Rose shook her head. "Husbandy there got very upset when he saw we all had to share one bedroom."

"You mean..?"

"Oh, yeah," nodded Jack.

"That's not true! Not at all! I was not upset! Tell them, wifey!" Eleven said, looking at Clara for help, who was examining her nails and pretending not to pay any notice of the conversation.

"Hmm? Tell them what?"

"Tell them how I was _not_ upset about the sleeping arrangements!"

"Why would I do that?"

"Because you want to!"

"I dispute that assertion."

"Which assertion? The assertion that I wasn't upset or the assertion you want to tell them I wasn't upset?" he asked.

"Both. You were very upset," she said.

"She's dropped you in it this time, mate," said Rose, laughing at his spluttering, which Clara was ignoring.


	86. Live! On Candid Camera

**AN: Well I've been so busy with whouffle's second wedding I completely forgot to think of anything remotely interesting to write in this clone plot. So I'll just write drunk whouffle instead, very fun. Still with Rose here.**

_Live! On Candid Camera_

The clones had... well, joined the group quite easily until, unfortunately, they died. It hadn't been pleasant, but they'd been prepared. And then it was time for them to drink their sorrows away. Or, for them to pretend to drink their sorrows away, except for whouffle, who would hopefully be drinking their everything away.

"I am going to get everyone a good, stiff, drink," said Jack. The TARDIS had changed again, back into the lodge, and they were all sat around the kitchen table. Jack had spent some of his free time the other day mixing around the contents of bottles so a few of them only had water. And then there was an entire bottle of what he liked to call 'Jack's Juice'. Rose almost wanted to have a drink herself, but thought she'd probably have enough tomorrow.

Jack returned with his Juice and poured all of one bottle into twelve glasses, and then the other two glasses he opened another. Obviously, those two glasses were slid across the table to whouffle.

It only took an hour for them to both become completely hammered.

"What percentage is that stuff?" Rose asked Jack, who shrugged.

"I don't, 60?" he guessed.

"How much did we all have when they got married?"

"I don't know, it was in kegs!" he said.

"Well, you're helpful," muttered Rose. She looked away from him. "Eurgh..." every girl in the room said when whouffle started kissing. Well, it was more like the other's face was made of very tasty which needed sucking and eating. It was... well, disgusting, to say the least.

"Um... Clara?" said Jenny, who was suffering the most since she was next to them.

"Am busy," slurred Clara through Eleven's face.

"Ew," everyone said again.

"I'll be back in moment, just gonna get a video camera," said Jack, running off.

"You know," said Jenny loudly, "right now, it would be really good if the TARDIS sort of jerked, in such a way those two were thrown to opposite ends of the room." The TARDIS seemed to be in a good mood, and two seconds later whouffle had been separated.

"We should probably keep them apart," said Donna.

"We'll grab him, you lot grab her," said Rory, and the genders split. The girls (including Martha) went to wrangle Clara away from her husband as Jack returned with the camera.

"So Rose," he said, "I think this video will be a really good thing to show at the... event? Oh, it's filming right now, by the way. Mickey, catch. You film him." He tossed a second camera to Mickey.

"Brilliant idea. Anything to say to your fans, Clars?"

"Where did he go?" she slurred.

"He's left you. He says you should go to the shopping mall and remove your ring," said Donna.

"Doesn't sound like 'im..."

"...Err... Wifey," Donna added. Eleven had already been dragged out of the room as Clara wailed and struggled and Rose wished she could plug her ears.

"Not gonna go with them?" Martha asked Jack.

"This is where the show's at," he said.

"I'll show him, stupid ring... OW!" Clara yelled as she tried to remove the ring again.

"No, don't do that, we'll get it removed at a machine," Martha said to her as the six other women wrangled her up the stairs into the console room.

"WAIT TEN MINUTES, GUYS!" Jack yelled down the stairs at the bathroom where the blokes were hiding Eleven. "I was at the last stag party, seems only fair I videotape the hen party."

"Yeah, cos this is such a fun party!" grunted Donna as Clara - either by accident or on purpose - smacked her in the face.

"Have another drink, you'll feel better," said Jack, dragging out the rest of his Juice bottle from somewhere.

"Where'd that come from?!" asked Amy.

"Ladies, you don't wanna know," he said as Clara tried to chug it. "No, savour the flavour. You don't wanna kill yourself."

"If you die tonight, I'll kill you tomorrow," said Rose.

"Here, take the camera, I'll help River fly," Jack handed Rose the thing and she accidentally gave Clara's face a super close up. Nobody wanted to see that.

"So!" said Rose, "I think you're drunk enough not to remember this."

"I 'member e'rythin'."

"Right... Well, husbandy back there didn't dump you, we split you up and now we're going to cut off your ring and get you both new shiny rings just in time for your second wedding tomorrow," said Rose.

"What would you tell yourself if you could? To... settle the nerves?" Amy asked her as the ship veered about.

"I would say-" she hiccuped "-you shoul' sleep wiv 'im e'ry night." They all exploded with laughter. "Sometimes four times. Cos he is-"

"No, no, we don't need a description!" Martha cut across her. "We're not showing all the guests this, are we?"

"Nah. I think Clara should hear her own wonderful advice just before the service." Rose tripped over as the TARDIS landed and Jack came to support Clara as they dragged her out, thankfully right in front of the ring shop with the solot ring remover. Rose quickly went and explained some scenario about it being a prank show and managed to get them to cut off the ring, measure her size and get them an engagement ring and another wedding ring. Rose 'accidentally' paid an extra hundred credits as they ran from the shop, dragging whiney Clara along.

Rose turned the camera to face her and got Jack, Amy and Jenny into the shot.

"I hope you appreciate what we've done for you. I know you think it's painful seeing... _that_," she panned the camera to the drunken Clara, "but you don't have to live with the constant fear someone is gonna be sick on your shoes."

Then they saw the boys dragging Eleven through the mall on the opposite side and stopped Clara seeing him as they went back to the ship.

"Er, Donna and Martha, you go get a cake, we'll get her back," Rose said to them. They left Clara, and Rose held the camera in one hand as she dragged her along, still mumbling things that were growing more and more incoherent until she finally passed out.

"Ah..." said Rose.

"River, help me with her legs," said Jack as they all rearranged themselves to properly carry her rather than drag her.

"Look, you've fallen asleep," Rose said to the camera. "Now, I don't know if you've figured out what's going on yet, but when we all left for the toilet, we went into the TARDIS and left for two days to plan your wedding."

"And we tried to plan it well, remember that," said Amy. "A lot of effort went into this wedding."

"Yeah, we got a whole lot of guests. Thirty-three, actually. Thirty-three wedding guests showed up for you, not to mention Angie and Artie, which make thirty-five. Mostly for the Doctor, but a few of them for you. Me and Jenny are the ones you can thank for the venue, and for your rings, and for picking up... Who did we pick up?"

"Er, the Paternosters. Other Jenny, Strax and Vastra. Then there was Emma Grayling, Alec Palmer-"

"Hila Tukurian. That guy Porridge, who was pretty convinced you were engaged or something and the Doctor stole you."

"And Grisenko, we had to go stand in the Antarctic for you."

"I could have died! Then there was Nancy and her son Jamie, and Charles Dickens, and Sally Sparrow and whatsisface. And we stopped Jack finding Oswin."

"Oh, I didn't tell you about that?" said Jack.

"Tell us about what...?"

"Me and Amy took a bit of a slowed down detour to the Dalek Asylum and managed to scavenge her consciousness. We can project her like River." Rose gawped at him. "Clara, I'd pause and savour this face for a good hour at least." Rose could say nothing. Jack eventually awkwardly balanced Clara's leg and took the camera.

"I think Clara's going to be too busy focusing on the fact you've invited Oswin to pay any attention to Rose's face! Why didn't you talk him out of it?!" Jenny asked Amy.

"He persuaded me!" she said back.

"Let's all calm down. What's done is done. So thirty-six guests. And Alonso, but Alonso's not going to the wedding, he'll be in my room. But we also got Tullulah, Laszlo and Frank-"

"From 1930s New York, I'm going to have stay in touch with them when me and Rory get home," said Amy, "we also went to the Wild West and picked up Walter. Oh, you know these people, right? From your time stream thing?"

"Well she can't answer you," Jack said.

"Shut up, I'm not stupid."

"Anyway. We went and grabbed the Owens family, that was... fun. Then we found Nefertiti, and John Ridell, which was way more fun."

"No, Jack... It really wasn't fun."

"Whatever, we have different tastes."

"We stopped by Van Gogh."

"Oh yeah, I bet you though he was loads of fun," commented Jack. Rose had heard none of this yet, she'd been too tired to ask. "And the Brigadier and his daughter didn't wanna come."

"Then the two blokes went to get the rest. Who were the rest? There were Sarah-Jane's kids?"

"We'll let them say. I'll do some editing later. Only let her see the gory details," said Jack, then he flashed a grin at the camera. "Me and Amy spent a whole day buying dresses."

"A nice dress, too. Well it is if you answered the survey in January right," said Amy, just as they reached the TARDIS.

"And the colour scheme is red and TARDIS blue, of course. And the venue... Well, we'll let you see the venue," said Jenny, all of them making the effort of pushing snoring Clara into the chair.

"And yours truly is carrying out the sermon! And we're gonna rope the others into writing your vows. They were too busy spying on you guys to come with us, they haven't done their legwork."

"You really should not have said you were carrying out the sermon," said River.

"But I am," he said. "You're gonna wake up, get all this great news - by the way, Mickey's filming husbandy, so you're not the only one who's gonna get embarrassed - and then, we're gonna run in on you two and drag you away to get your makeup done."

"Are we?" Rose asked.

"Yeah, we'll get the whole thing on candid camera. It will be hilarious. Something to burn in a box."

"Will it reappear, like Sinister?" said Jenny.

"We said we would not talk about that movie! The first rule of Sinister is you do not talk about Sinister! The second rule-"

"Watch Fight Club as well, did you?" said Amy.

"Yeah, actually," said Jack. "And by the way, you're gonna die in 7 days after watching this video."

"Why? Is that when the honeymoon ends?" River asked.

"Honeymoon?" Jack looked at her, then addressed 'Clara' and the camera again. "Sweetheart, you are not getting two honeymoons. Sorry to break it to ya."

"You know, I bet husbandy'd be really happy if we recorded you snoring and gave it back to you as a wedding present."

"I can hear her now, 'Uh! I do not snore!'" said Jack after a pause. "Well, you do sweetheart."

"What's with 'sweetheart'?" Rose asked him.

"I fancied something other than wifey," he shrugged.

"Whoa, you fancy her? Better hope husbandy's asleep when they see this."

"Husbandy? Don't you mean 'Darling'?"

"Oi! Shut up!" said Jenny suddenly, white as a sheet. Then she looked at Rose. "Wedding presents." There was a lot of cusssing.

"Hey! We planned the whole wedding! That's a good enough present!" Jack exclaimed, "And I fancy everybody."

"Suddenly I feel a lot less special," said Jenny.

"Everybody's special," said Jack. "They know me. Speaking of special, the groom's just got back!" Eleven (who was now also asleep) was thrown into the same chair as his wife.

"And that's all you get to see because now we're going to the venue, and we cannot have you seeing that. Goodbye, lovers!" Jack turned off the camera on a weird close up of their faces.


	87. Good Morning, Mrs Uh-Oh

**AN: No points for guessing the viewpoint of this chapter :P I go back to school tomorrow and I'm not very well right now, and after this I don't actually have another chapter written yet and it may be a few days between updates while I get this wedding done with, but don't worry I'm not ending it or anything. And here is a _very_ fluffy chapter, and also the longest so far.**

_Good Morning, Mrs... Uh-oh_

She woke up, once again with no recollection of the previous night and once again with no idea where she was. Her eyes swam when she opened them, if it were possible, she felt even more drunk than the first time.

She groaned and rolled over, and almost jumped when faced with her sleeping husband. She lay back on the pillow. It could be worse, she could've slept with somebody who _wasn't_ her husband. She looked at him again and flicked his nose. He swatted blindly at where her hand had been.

"Wake u-up," she sang, walking her fingers from his forehead down his face. He chuckled.

"Oh, you should sing more often, wifey," he said, pulling her to him for a good morning kiss.

"See, I knew you weren't really asleep. And look, we're both fully clothed this time." She felt quite disgusting at wearing the same clothes and being unable to change for three days, and glanced around before realising they were not in their normal bedroom. "Err..."

"What is it, wifey?" he asked, sitting up.

"Where are we..?"

"I don't know. It doesn't feel like the TARDIS... Anyway, what could be the worst thing that's happened? We already got drunk married." Clara sighed. She supposed he was right, she thought as the light from the thin, high up window (she recognised it as an artificial window) shine off the diamonds on her wedding ring. Then she did a double take. There weren't any diamonds on her wedding ring. And this was definitely not a wedding ring.

"Maybe getting drunk divorced..." she said quietly, feeling slightly ill. Stars, she hated her drunk self.

"Ah. Well, it doesn't change the fact I'm still completely in love with-" but he was cut off as the large TV in the corner switched itself on.

"Chin... What's going on..?" And Jack appeared.

"_So guess what? You two were the only ones who were drinking and I'm filming it all to show you the next day_," he said.

"Wifey," whispered Eleven, "maybe if we don't watch the video and spend the whole time kissing we'll forget what we see?"

"Not now, you can kiss me later when there aren't important things happening," she said, practically falling into him and his tweed as she appeared on the screen.

"_So Rose. I think this video will be a really good thing to show at the... event? Oh, it's filming right now, by the way. Mickey, catch. You film him,_" he tossed another camera to Mickey. Clara and Eleven were being restrained.

"_Brilliant idea. Anything to say to your fans, Clars_?"

"_Where did he go_?" Clara slurred.

"How do you turn it off? Get your sonic out," she told him.

"Eh?"

"You know, the screwdriver?"

"Oh, right..." he said, getting out of the bed. As he did she fell onto her side and remained there, looking washed up and mildly despairing.

"Why? What did you think I meant?"

"Oh, I... Err..." he glanced back and frowned at her, lying weirdly on her side and ogling him.

"You don't have any trousers on, by the way," she told him. Suffice to say, his face was not what she was ogling.

"What? Oh! Eurgh..." he stammered, shuffling self consciously in his underwear, the top half of him in a full suit and bow tie, including blazer.

"Wow. A week ago that would have phased you, Chin." He looked at the TV and examined the wiring before sighing and beginning to search his pockets.

"_OW!_" the Clara on the screen yelled, trying to pull off the solot ring. Eleven jumped and looked from the Clara in the room with him and the Clara on TV.

"It was the TV," she told him.

"_No, don't do that, we'll get it removed at a machine,_" Martha said from off camera somewhere.

"Well, I knew they were annoyed by us, but I didn't think they'd stoop this low," said Eleven, patting his torso and spinning around with his hand in his inside pocket like a dog chasing its tail. He really did remind her of a puppy, she thought as he stopped twirling and faced her, an apologetic look across his face. "I appear to have lost my sonic. Again." The footage was spliced with other footage from Mickey's camera, which showed Ten stealing the green screwdriver from Eleven's pocket. Eleven himself grumbled and perched himself on the edge of the bed.

"...Smash it?" suggested Clara, sitting up and resting her head and arms on his shoulders, watching the TV with him.

"No! You said it was interesting a few minutes ago. You'll have to watch it, or kiss me." He looked at her hopefully, she was incredibly tempted... Until she got a whiff of bad breath and crinkled her nose, sitting back on her heels.

"I think I'd rather watch it," she said. He looked sad. "Well your breath is rank. And mine is probably not much better."

"Doesn't bother me..."

"Well it does me. And that just means you have low standards." He huffed and puffed and made other noises before lying down next to Clara, who really wished she had a cup of tea as she looked down at his face. His expression was so vacant, she didn't think he realised she was looking at him staring at her. "Chin, watch the TV, not me."

"What? Oh, right. Sorry, wifey," he propped himself up on his elbows and she shuffled further backwards to sit cross-legged on the pillows and out of his viewpoint. She sat playing with his already ruffled and messy hair.

"_If you die tonight, I'll kill you tomorrow,_" Rose said, which caused Clara to jump at this death threat.

"_Here, take the camera, I'll help River fly,_" said Jack.

"_So! I think you're drunk enough not to remember this_."

"_I 'member e'rythin'_."

"Oh God... Seriously, why did you marry me when I was like this? Why?" she asked Eleven, who rolled his head and eyes back so as to look at her and shrugged, unsure of the right thing to say.

"_Right... Well, husbandy back there didn't dump you, we split you up and now we're going to cut off your ring and get you both new shiny rings just in time for your second wedding tomorrow_."

"SECOND WEDDING?!" shouted both of them at the same time, and Eleven almost sat up (which momentarily disappointed Clara - his hair was really fluffy and she definitely did not play with it enough, probably because she couldn't normally reach it without putting in effort), but decided against it. Clearly, he was enjoying his wife pulling out his hair.

"_What would you tell yourself if you could? To... settle the nerves?_" Amy asked drunk Clara.

"_I would say-_" hiccup "_-you shoul' sleep wiv 'im e'ry night._"

"_What?_" hissed the real, sober, present Clara as Eleven snickered in front of her.

"_Sometimes four times. Cos he is-_" Clara then clapped her hands over his ears as her drunk self declared him 'well fit' and went on to almost say another thing he was, which was probably going to be something vastly inappropriate.

"_No, no, we don't need a description_!" Thank God for Martha, Clara thought, moving her hands and putting her head on her knuckles.

"Damn right you don't need a bloody description!" she snarled.

"What am I, wifey?" he asked her, leaning sideways and grinning cockily.

"I have no idea. Probably all drunk gibberish," she said, purposely not looking at him, instead examining a very interesting spot of wall next to the door.

"What would you have said if you were sober there?"

"Well," she thought, smiling playfully and putting her chin on his forehead, "I would have said because he is the most adorable, brilliant Time Lord ever. Who is also really hot in his underwear."

"Ha! So you agree with yourself!" he said, rolling over and sitting on his knees right in front of her. Once again, he was taller. Clara was a little annoyed, she enjoyed being on a higher level. Plus, she'd been about to kiss him just then and he'd gone and messed it all up.

"Of course I agree with myself, I am myself, and I am always right." She snapped. He looked way too happy right then. "Anyway, I'm your wife, so I have to say that." If he didn't want her to be cruel he shouldn't have moved.

"Oi!" he said. "And actually," he took her hand and held it up, "you're not my wife, see?" She balled her fist and put it on her knee.

"Well... Shut up. I like being your wife. Way better than being your girlfriend, or fiancé or whatever else," she said, blushing.

"Well by the looks of things you'll be my wife again later, Impossible Girl." He kissed her, and immediately, though he didn't technically know there had been any reason for her to be annoyed, he was forgiven for his grave error.

"You don't have to stop calling me wifey," she said, "it's cute. Really cute." He kissed her again for saying that, and they both completely forgot the TV was even there and even playing, because currently they were finding the other one's lips nine-hundred times more interesting than whatever Jack and Rose had to say.

"_I hope you appreciate what we've done for you_," Rose's voice made Clara realise there was something else she was supposed be paying attention to, and made her remember it was actually important.

"Idiot," she said to Eleven when he stopped kissing her and Rose was showing them more images of drunk Clara.

"What?!"

"You just have to go being all super-sweet-great-kisser when we're _supposed_ to be paying attention here." Donna and Martha had gone to get a cake from somewhere. "Oh... that was why they were asking me all the questions about cake..." She sat back down properly on the bed and he smirked when she wasn't looking.

"_Ah..._" said Rose, zooming on Clara's drunken face and her half open mouth and eyelids. She was a mess.

"You look cute when you're asleep," he said. Clara raised her eyebrows at him - could they be seeing a different thing on the screen? What she was seeing was definitely, not in any way at all, cute. Or asleep, particularly. More on-the-brink-of-death. Frankly, she didn't find him nearly as cute when he was asleep. In the few times she'd been awake before him, or he'd fallen asleep first, he'd grown lopsided and a little gormless.

"_Look, you've fallen asleep. Now, I don't know if you've figured out what's going on yet, but when we all left for the toilet, we went into the TARDIS and left for two days to plan your wedding_."

"_And we tried to plan it well, remember that. A lot of effort went into this wedding_," said Amy.

"_Yeah, we got a whole lot of guests. Thirty-three, actually._"

"Thirty-three people showed up for this?!" Eleven exclaimed, "No. No, we can't be that interesting, can we?"

"_...Me and Jenny are the ones you can thank for the venue, and for your rings, and for picking up... Who did we pick up_?"

"_Er, the Paternosters_."

"Really? They got them to come? That's nice, isn't it?" said Eleven.

Clara listened to the guests and made no comments until "_That guy Porridge, who was pretty convinced you were engaged or something and the Doctor stole you._"

"What?! No, that's not what happened!" Clara said.

"I bet he's the one who told them that, the moody little-"

"_And we stopped Jack finding Oswin_."

"_Oh, didn't I tell you about that_?"

"_Tell us about what..?_"

"_Me and Amy took a bit of a slowed down detour to the Dalek Asylum and managed to scavenge her consciousness. We can project her like River._"

"Uh-uh. No. No, no, no. They did not go get my least favourite echo... Stupid... flirtatious... Oh god, what if they invited Nina too? This can't be happening..."

"Well the door's locked, we can't get out," said Eleven.

"I know, let's go in the bathroom, and turn on the shower, and just stay in there for the whole day."

"You know they'd walk in."

"It's worth a shot!" she was pacing the room now as there was a cut to the boys and a snoring Eleven who were listing their guests. The present Eleven got up and pulled Clara into a hug to stop her pacing, holding her close as she fidgeted restlessly, slowly walking her over to the bed where they sat back down.

"Just calm down, wifey," he stroked her hair. "Oh, they've invited Shakespeare... If he finds out about Mickey and Martha there's going to be a lot of fighting. Or pretentious sonnets..." groaned Eleven.

"At least Shakespeare's not a Dalek!"

"We don't know that for a fact," said Eleven in a pitiful attempt at cheering her up. She gave him a look and shook her head, biting her nails as the film crackled and cut back to the others.

"_We also got Tullulah, Laszlo and Frank-_"

"_From 1930s New York, I'm going to have to stay in touch with them when me and Rory get home. We also went to the Wild West and got Walter. Oh, you know these people, right? From your time stream thing_?"

"Er, yes," said Clara.

"_Well she can't answer you_," said Jack.

"_Shut up, I'm not stupid._"

"_Anyway. We went and grabbed the Owens family, that was... fun._"

"They got Craig?! That's brilliant... And Nefertiti! Ridell's a bit... you know... Van Gogh! He's good to bring along."

"Didn't he cut off his ear?"

"Well, yes. But who hasn't cut off an ear?" Clara didn't really want to dignify that with a response.

"_Me and Amy spent a whole day buying dresses_."

"_A nice dress, too. Well it is if you answered the survey in January right_," said Amy.

"Survey?" asked Eleven. Clara thought then she gasped with realisation and pulled him right up to her face.

"They popped up at the Maitlands and started asking me weird questions! Then Jack said something about my doctor being weird but in love with me. I had a very embarassing GP appointment." He didn't say anything.

"Sorry... Can't really think... Proximity..." he stammered. Well it was nice to know her surprise closeness had the same effect on him as it did on her. She rolled her eyes and sat back down. "You were saying?"

"Nevermind."

"_And yours truly is carrying out the sermon! And we're gonna rope the others into writing your vows. They were too busy spying in you guys to come with us, they haven't done their legwork._"

"_You really should not have said you were carrying out the sermon,_" said River.

"_But I am!_" he turned back to the camera, "_you're gonna wake up, get all this news - by the way, Mickey's filming husbandy, so you're not the only one who's gonna get embarrassed - and then, we're gonna run in on you two and drag you away to get your makeup done_."

"_Are we?_"

"_Yeah, we'll get the whole thing on candid camera. It will be hilarious-_"

"It will not be hilarious!" said Eleven in dismay.

"You know, Chin. In all honesty, it probably will be," she admitted sadly.

"_Honeymoon? Sweetheart, you are not getting two honeymoons. Sorry to break it to ya._"

"_You know, I bet husbandy'd be really happy if we recorded you snoring and gave it back to you as a wedding present_."

"Uh! I do not snore!"

"_I can hear her now, 'Uh! I do not snore!'. Well, you do sweetheart._"

"Why's he calling you sweetheart?" Eleven asked the same time Rose did.

"_I fancied something other than wifey_."

"_Whoa, you fancy her? Better hope husbandy's asleep when they see this_."

"_Husbandy? Don't you mean 'Darling'?_"

"Darling?" Clara asked Eleven.

"Sweetheart?" he said back to her.

"_We planned the whole wedding! That's a good enough present! And I fancy everybody._"

"Great, we don't even get any presents."

"We don't need presents, we have eachother," said Eleven sweetly.

"Yeah but... I like presents..."

"_And that's all you get to see because now we're going to the venue, and we cannot have you seeing that. Goodbye, lovers!_"

"I can't do it," she said, "I can't get married in front of thirty people I don't even know, people who don't know me, people who don't even really know you," Clara said to Eleven as the TV stopped humming and the screen flickered before going blank.

"Of course you can. Look, they're only doing this because they care. Well, I'm not sure Jack cares particularly, but did you hear Amy? They've put thought into this. They went back and asked your past self what you wanted for your wedding dress and dinner and guests. And these people are all good people, and I'm sure they've had the situation about regenerations and what-not explained. Besides, the service won't last long, then they can go eat free food and drink so much they don't even remember it was our wedding. A lot of them will probably be spending a lot of time talking to the Tenth Doctor and the clone." She kissed him for being so sweet, and they completely ignored the sliding noise coming from nearby. Which was a mistake in the long run, because Clara had hands on her arms and she was dragged away, biting something.

"Ow!" said Eleven. Oh. It appeared his lip was bleeding as the men crowded around him.

"I'm so sorry, Chin!" she shouted as she was being lifted up by whoever was behind her, but she guessed it was the girls.

"It's fine, wifey! It'll all be great, in a few hours the worst of it'll be over! I LOVE YOU!" he yelled as they distanced.

"I LOVE YOU, TOO!" she had to shout back.

"Got anything to say?" asked Rose from somewhere near Clara's head.

"How about put me down and let me go home?!" she demanded, but she were being carried above them like she'd just won something or like she were crowdsurfing.

"That's no way to speak to the matron of honour," said Rose, acting mock offended.

"You can't make yourself matron of honour!"

"She didn't, I did," said Jenny. "Jack's doing the sermon - sorry about that - and your dad's not here so my dad'll walk you down the aisle."

"Oh, great, invite everyone but my family. You've got Shakespeare, but not my own father?"

"Well, would he want to be here?" Donna asked.

"...No."

"See! We know you!" said Amy. Then Clara remembered something.

"What did Porridge say to you?"

"Oh, that..." said Jenny as Rose laughed. "Well, he said 'I was to wed the beautiful Clara Oswald'."

"No way did he say that."

"Ask him yourself! But later. Right now you need to take a shower. You stink," said Rose. Clara glared at the ceiling, which was the only thing in her immediate line of sight.


	88. It's Not The First Time

**AN: Glad I haven't got loads of hate for a short pause. BUT QUICK! NEED HELP! Get me some wedding vows, guys. And this is whouffle. More importantly, this is Doctor Who. Most importantly, this is Jack's service. I don't need no ordinary wedding vows, give me a few I can use or it'll be disappointingly short-lived. But not an entire ceremony, just like, a vow. Now, some vows Jack'll make up to say (embarrassing ones), and some vows whouffle'll be making up to say (super-cute adorable ones). Trust me, this whishy-washy varying vow-readers thing will make sense. Soon. Ish. And I need more Eleven vows than Clara vows, to give you some perspective. And I'm sick, so progress is slow, also my friend is a terrible procrastinator, which doesn't help.**

**EDIT: Yes, I deleted and re-uploaded this chapter because certain procrastinator (*cough*Ethan*cough*) and his girlfriend have demanded I add in a young Clara to make her a bridesmaid. So yes, I don't actually know why right now (ah, the pains of collaboration), but young Clara is here as a bridesmaid... And just because those two are writing the vows does not mean your suggested vows won't be included, they still need editing by yours truly - the actual author.**

_It's Not The First Time_

"What are our vows then?" Clara asked Rose after she'd had a shower and felt a million times better, and she was pushed into a chair in front of a huge dresser.

"That's a surprise," said Rose. Clara glared at her. "Actually I don't know them. Donna and Martha are the only ones that know your vows. Mickey and the other two Doctors wrote husbandy's. Or should I say boyfriendy?"

"No, keep saying husbandy," she said.

"You hated us calling him husbandy the other day," said Martha from a corner.

"What's with you? You're being all nice now," Clara asked her. "Are you gonna sabotage this thing?!"

"It doesn't really need sabotaging. And I'm sorry about that fight. And punching you. And shooting you. And elbowing you. And bullying you in general," she said.

"What's brought this change?" asked Rose.

"Your half-husband," Martha said to Rose.

"You do know those people though, don't you? The ones you've never met?" asked Amy.

"Yes, I do know the people I've never met..." she said, realising mid-sentence how weird that sounded. "You did get stylists, right? Make up artist?"

"Err..."

"Well..."

"We thought..."

"Um..."

"I don't..."

"Actually..."

"Wonderful," muttered Clara.

"We got a photographer!" said Rose.

"Well isn't that great, now I can remember forever how awful I look. I'd rather have Angie doing my make up than you lot."

"We could go get Angie, if you want?" Rose offered.

"Or Nina," added Amy.

"Please tell me Nina isn't here. Nina and Oswin and Jack in the same room means somebody will die," Clara threatened.

"Well you can't kill Jack or Oswin," said Martha.

"It's an easy decision then."

"You're not gonna get drunk tonight, are you..?" Donna asked.

"I have no idea. All I know is I'm gonna be embarrassed out of my pants in front of people I don't know."

"Well what do you want? Some special, private thing?" Rose asked, cutting over a comment by Amy about embarrassment not being the thing to get Clara out of her pants.

"How about no wedding? That would be good," she said, "and do you have anyone who can do make up properly?!"

"Erm..." they all thought, then Martha clapped her hands.

"Tullulah."

"Eh?" asked Rose.

"The showgirl from the 30s? I'll go get her," and she was gone. Then there was a knock on the door of whatever weird dressing room they were keeping her hostage in.

"If that's blokes I'll kill them," muttered Rose. She opened the door and in burst in Vastra and Other Jenny looking furious. Clara just stared boredly at them in the mirror.

"Well?" asked Vastra, ignoring Rose asking them both to leave.

"Well what? What do you want me to to say? What do you want to hear? This is nothing to do with me," she said.

"It is everything to do with you! You are the one marrying him!"

"Well I wouldn't be marrying him again if this lot had stayed out of everything. We'd still be happy," she said.

"How did it happen the first time?" Vastra asked, sitting down in the nearest available chair.

"I don't know, there isn't a handy video to show you for the first time," Clara said.

"Oh, do you want us to show them the video?" Rose asked helpfully. Clara stared at her.

"No don't show them the bloody video! I want you to put that video in a box and leave it in an attic!" she said.

"Are we talking about Sinister again?" asked Jenny, who Clara hadn't seen that morning but who had just walked through the door.

"Where've you been then?" asked Rose suggestively.

"I have been with Jack and Alonso, and unlike _somebody,_ I won't get drunk and tell you the details," she said curtly.

"None of them?"

"Well, I can tell you one thing. He's well fit."

"No, shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" shouted Clara, wishing for something to throw, but then Martha and a blonde Clara guessed was Tullulah showed up and she started talking about mascara in a heavy accent. Clara didn't really care what they did to her face, so she didn't pay attention.

"Are you going to answer?" Vastra asked again.

"Did they not already tell you what happened?" Clara asked, looking from Vastra to Rose and Jenny.

"I'd like to hear it from your perspective."

"Yeah, Closwiwald," said Rose. "Tell them all about Elevoctor."

"Have I ever mentioned that I hate you all?" she said.

"I can't believe I forgot!" Jenny said to Rose, "we _do_ have a video of the first time! In the end, we thought we better had get you a wedding present."

"_You what_?"

"Yeah, it involved a lot of the vortex manipulator and hidden cameras, but we managed to not create a paradox."

"Only Mickey and Rose have seen it to edit it," added Martha.

"Maybe you should wait until later? I'll watch it with him. We can vomit in peace," she grumbled. "Or maybe we could watch it the morning. Or maybe we could just not watch it at all, ever."

"Oh, you'll watch it one day, Clara Oswald," Rose threatened, "with us, or with your father."

"When did you say we'd watch it again? Oh, tomorrow? In the Snogbox? Get it to make a nice cinema with a popcorn machine and ads and everything?" Clara spurted hysterically, "That sounds like a great idea."

"Yep, that is exactly what I said." There was a knock on the door. "Who is it?" asked Rose.

"It's-" began a voice, Clara thought Jack, but then he was cut off by a voice she knew oh-too-well. She wasn't a stick for tradition, but she didn't do anything when all the girls (aside from Tullulah, who was lost in a world of makeup) rushed to hold the door shut.

"It's me, wifey!" _Honestly_, she thought, _he really was a complete idiot_. "Why can't I come in?"

"Because it's a wedding, you can't come in before the wedding," she said.

"Why? Are you in the dress? Those traditions are ridiculous. I've seen you in way less than a-"

"LALALA SHUT UP, CHIN!" she yelled over him and the howls from the group.

"Get outta here! How'd you tail me so well?" Jack said to him.

"Well, I just-"

"Nevermind. I was gonna tell her, you know, I'm not a liar."

"Tell me what?" Clara shouted through the door.

"Tell ya he demanded we go back in time and bring you as a child here. To be a bridesmaid. Good thing we got those auto-fit dresses," Jack said to Amy, who nodded. (**AN: Yeah, it sounds ridiculous but I can't really think of any other way to bring her in other than pure randomness**)

"Great. So there'll be three of me," said Clara, giving up arguing with them.

"I love you, wifey! I'll see you at the altar! There is an altar, isn't there?" he said in a sidenote to Jack.

"Yes, there's an altar," said Jack.

"I love you, too..." Clara said, wishing she could hold her head in her hands - but she was having to stay as still as possible for Tullulah.

After they left, and after a brief retelling of the 'First Time' - as it had so casually been dubbed - to the Paternosters, Clara had been transformed more or less into a flapper. The beauty of getting a 1930s showgirl to do your makeup haphazardly. The Paternosters also seemed sufficiently unsatisfied by the story, despite numerous assurances it was completely true. They left in a bad mood, thinking they'd been lied to. Clara didn't really care right then. It seemed Dress Reveal Time was nigh, and however many times it was said the bridesmaids (Clara had not been told how many there were any quite who they were) had no clue, either, she found herself no more comforted.


	89. The Wedding: Vows of the King

**AN: So much time and effort has gone into this one chapter, including the collaborative writings of two of my best friends who helped a lot considering I know nothing about weddings for all the reality TV I watch, so I apologise for the various less-than-detailed summaries of events that'll be sprouting up from the paragraphs. But the wait is over.**

_The Wedding: Vows of the King_

Clara gave herself an inward nod of approval. The dress was short, just above her knees in fact, but still incredibly cute. It was cut in slick, Audrey Hepburn style, clinging to her waist and tapering nicely. While she had to admit looking like she'd stepped out of movie was something she could get used to, there really wasn't anywhere to hide. The lace was her favourite part though, overlaying the creamy silk and catching the soft light perfectly. Somehow she couldn't bring herself to feel the same about the shoes. She had never had a pleasant experience when it came to heels, it felt odd to be quite so high off the ground. No veil though, and you had to be grateful for that.

Looking over at her maids and matrons of honour, she smothered her smile. Rose, clucking over a struggling Donna, who's red hair paled in comparison to the bright flames of her dress. The dress was lovely, bold and long and sweeping, glittering and jumping like flaming rose petals. Donnas was complimented with a bunch of white Roses, and a white crown of buds. However, the effect was ruined by her cussing loudly and trying to reach round and untie it at the back. Rose, looking pristine in her own Red & white tulle creation, hovered over and tried to put it right. To no avail. Next to them, Jenny, Amy and Martha looked admiringly down at their matching sparkly red ballet flats and fixed each others hair. She even caught a glimpse of a confused, miniaturised version of herself. This was going to be fun.

If Clara was going to be completely honest, she'd have to admit she knew absolutely nothing about weddings. They'd done a better job than she ever could at planning a wedding, and they'd done it in secret. She had to admire them for that, at least. Her nerves made her a blur to the order the people walked out. She barely knew who they were, but finally she supposed it was her time to enter the room, completely alone with only the Tenth Doctor.

"You okay?" he asked. She looked up at him.

"Yeah, yeah. Peachy keen," she said, her personal code words for when she was not, at all, in the slightest, 'peachy keen'.

"Forget about everyone else. They're here for the food, if you deliver on that the rest'll be fine," he assured her, grinning and holding out his arm for her to hook herself onto. She breathed deeply, inhaling the strange fumes of whatever alien flowers were thrown together in the blue and red bouquet. _What a dreadful colour scheme_, she found herself thinking.

The doors opened. There were faces. They were looking. Some were smiling. Some were confused. Almost all were gone from Clara's memory. One was angry and it belonged to Madam Vastra. Another was gobsmacked and it belonged to Porridge. _Left, together, right, together, left, together, right, together_, she chanted in her mind over and over and over again. Was she hyperventilating? Was Ten still there? How far was left(she waslooking at the floor)? An impulse somewhere within told her to run for the TARDIS and hide forever. But no, it was too late.

And she looked up. And the first face she saw, was... _Elvis_!? Thank god her back was to the majority of the crowd as her rage at the one-and-only Captain Jack Harkness completely took over and erased her fear. She wanted to punch him in the face, dressed in stupid white and gold with stupid shades and a stupid quiff and that stupid smile.

The second face she saw was the only face she wanted to see. The rest of the groomsmen were wearing very weird looking dark blue tuxedos. It was odd to see Eleven _not_ wearing tweed, but somehow the strange suit made him look even more adorable - if that were possible. They stared at each other for what could well have been eternity before Jack's words snapped them out of it. Were they allowed to hold hands? Clara didn't care, they held hands anyway.

"So," he said, drawing out a bit of paper, "I've just been warming up the crowd before you two got here." He was leaning on the altar speaking into a flashy golden microphone. "They gave me these vows here," he drew out a sheet of paper, "told me Donna, Martha and a few others wrote 'em. They're a bit boring and typical. So I wrote my own." He scrunched up the paper and stuck it in his mouth as Clara's eyes widened and she looked around Eleven to see all the others looking terrified and Donna's face the same colour as her hair. She was furious.

"Doctor! Do you solemnly swear that you are up to no good?"

"Eh?" asked Eleven.

"Oh, sorry. Thought I'd try out the whole 'random quote' thing you like to do. Anyway, do you promise not to let your little girlfriend here get any blackeyes?"

"She's not my-"

"Good! And Clara, do you promise to sleep with my good buddy here at _least_ four times a night?" and then Rose slapped him, which got more laughs from the crowd than any of his jokes. Clara gave her a look saying 'What the hell am I supposed to do now!?'

"_Improvise_," Rose whispered. Clara and Eleven stared at eachother, and he drew out his own sheet of paper. It was quite sweet, actually, how he'd already written his vows. Unless he knew what Jack had been planning, but Clara doubted that. Jack did not tell anybody his plans.

"Well, Clara," Eleven said, looking meaningfully into Clara's eyes. "I was going just going to read these vows out to you but I've decided against it, y'know, saving the universe one step at a time." He quickly folded the paper with 11 swift movements until it was in the shape of a very neat bow-tie.

"Clara," He said as he grabbed hold of her hand, scrunching the tie into her palm, "_Wifey_," he corrected himself with a hint of a smile lighting up his watery eyes. "The first time I met you I saw something, in your eye, maybe it was a small miniturised man, believe me, it's happened... Anyway, what I saw, was trust, hope, happiness and... Love. Funnily enough, they're all the things I feel whenever I even hear your name." Eleven moved closer as he whispered in her ear, his voice only just audible. "You'll always be my Impossible Girl, and as long as I'm with you, you'll never be hurt but will always be on an adventure." He stepped back from Clara, her face streaming with tears and her mouth grinning the widest smile he'd seen on her beautiful face. "It's me and you... Against the universe. But that's not all.

"I promise..." he bit back tears. Clara almost knew what he was going to say, and she didn't want him to say it as they were lost in the room. "I promise I'll never lose you. I'll never lose you in a parallel universe..."

"No, you don't-" she started, her own eyes glistening and her mascara threatening to streak at any moment. Did any of these guests really understand the significance of what he was going to say next? But she couldn't speak, she couldn't destroy the moment that she'd prefer to have through closed doors. Because he'd put his finger to her lips.

"Shh," he whispered, nobody else - save for Jack and Rory - heard, "I promise I'll never lose you to angels. I promise I'll never erase your memories. I promise I won't ever leave you or lose you again."

"Alright, my turn," Clara bit down on her lip to keep her grin in check and her tears at bay, - at least for a moment before the waterfalls began - and flicked his bow tie, fighting the urge to roll her swimming eyes at his stupid, adorable face.

"_Doctor_," she made emphasis of calling him by his name, "I think it's safe to assume I actually know you more closely than I know anyone else. I mean, I've saved you again and again, watched you hurt and heal again and again. And every time I've had to fight the urge to fall in love with you. Sometimes twice a day..." She remebered a recurring thought she'd had before Trenzalore.

She paused, trying to keep the stupid blush of her face. All around her she could see the reactions of her fellow companions. Nine, feigning boredom to hide his smile, Rose and Donna nodding encouragingly and wiping away their own tears. Martha Jones looking like she wouldn't rather be anywhere else. Jack looking like they were his favourite toys, dressed up like Elvis which somehow seemed to fit exactly. Ten, abandoning his sadness about Rose and his clone temporarily. The clone himself, not really knowing what was going on and hovering near the bridesmaids. Jenny, looking proud she'd stopped the Clara-Rose rivalry. Amy, watching her husband and her best frien with a 'he's finally growing up' look in her eyes. River, who was also crying, though Clara did not know weather from happiness or the worst sorrow imaginable. And Mickey, grinning, but he wasn't particularly involved with the scenario. She continued.

"The good news is, I don't have to fight it anymore. You're mine, Chin, forever and forever. So if you're willing to put up with my soufflés I guess I can tolerate the Snogbox... That is , if you'll have me..?" she asked a question she obviously already knew the answer to.

She grinned again, stepping close enough that their chests brushed, and let her facade drop.

"I love you, Doctor, Clever Boy, Chin," she cast a glance at Rose and added in an undertone, "_Elevoctor_," she snickered, "now, show me the stars."

"That it? You kids done?" Jack said, "just say 'I do' and we'll say the whole thing's done with."

"Er, I do..?" said Clara after Eleven, thinking she'd more or less said that in her speech.

"Wonderful. I now pronounce you Husbandy and Wifey. And you, sir, may now have your way with the bride," Jack winked at Eleven. Clara gasped with offence, but completely forgot Jack existed when Eleven kissed her. _Please don't make some comment about chocolate_, she found herself thinking over the cheers of people who didn't know them in the room. Loudest amongst them were the six who had started the whole thing, especially Rose, who ran up and hugged them both, doing them a favour by breaking them up before the kiss grew too long it made everyone else awkward.

"Photo time!" she declared.

_**TO BE CONTINUED IN THE EPIC SEQUEL THAT IS: THE WEDDING: DINNER OF THE FALLEN, FROM THE ACCLAIMED AUTHOR OF: THE WEDDING: VOWS OF THE KING**_


	90. The Wedding: Dinner of the Fallen

**AN: Sorry, this chapter took a while, for reasons I cannot yet disclose. Again, I repeat, I know zero about weddings. Just wondering though if you prefer it to just be completely random with barely a plot (I offer up this wedding, the shopping trip, the honeymoon, the paintball game, the first 35 chapters), or when I inevitably fail at writing a plot - suggested or otherwise (I offer up the Cybersaurs, the complete fail with the Vashta Nerada, the clones and the 1941 stuff).**

_The Wedding: Dinner of the Fallen_

Photos were not quite as awful as Clara had thought. The guests had dispersed to the huge banquet hall. "Crap, we forgot a seating plan," she'd heard Rose hiss to Martha, her closest correspondent. "Let them sit anywhere," Martha told her. A free-for-all for the free, refilling cocktails. It appeared Ten had automatically taken responsibility for Little Clara, leading her with him to the ridiculously long (Clara suspected 'bigger on the inside) top table. She was also rather glad she hadn't caught a glimpse of Oswin yet.

"You look beautiful," Eleven whispered to her for possibly the hundredth time. "I really mean it." For possibly the hundredth time she did nothing but giggle and long for a private room to pop up somewhere just for them. But no, that did not happen. Plus, she suspected somebody would notice if the bride and groom went curiously missing.

"Well you look strange," she told him as they followed the others to the top table.

"_Strange_?!" he exclaimed, "why do I look strange, wifey?"

"Because you're not wearing tweed," she said, sitting down, glad he had some common sense and pulled out her chair for her.

"I'll put on some tweed later," he said, "Just for you." Was he trying to flirt..? It was very unclear to Clara, who just frowned at him.

"Oi, you two, quit flirting," said Jack. "Oh hey, they're aren't enough seats, sweetheart. Guess I'll have to sit on your lap."

"Go sit on your girlfriend. Oh wait, you do that every night," Clara snapped.

"Too right I do, I'm not ashamed to admit it. In fact, sometimes it's up to five times because we just have a whole lot more stamina than the pair of-" Rose slapped him.

"Shut it," she said, "sit down. Everyone knows there are enough seats." He pouted, but sat right at the end of the table, in his assigned place. Rose took her seat next to Clara.

"I'm on Jack-slapping duty. Now, if you want any champagne, you have to promise not-"

"Yes. I promise not to stab anybody," she said.

"Good!" said Rose, and the flute in front of Clara filled itself with gold. She didn't question the Hogwarts-esque technology, merely sipped the drink, glad of a little alcohol - no matter how small the amount.

"Speeches after dinner," said Rose.

"Am I allowed to see the menu?" Clara asked.

"Why is it always 'I', wifey? Why not 'we'? Are _we_ allowed to see the menu?"

"Because, Chin, we're not actually the same person. I am speaking to Rose, that doesn't mean you are too," she said.

"Here, fine, stop weirdly fighting and have the menu," said Rory on Eleven's left, passing a holographic-blueish thing their way. It had words on it though.

"Does that say... Fish fingers, and... Custard..?" said Clara.

"Ooh! Yummy, I do love fish fingers and custard. Look, souffles for pudding, wifey!"

"But what's with the fish fingers and custard?!"

"Amy suggested it, blame her," Rose said.

"Just my favourite food. Seconded only by Jammie Dodgers, which are not on this menu," he said sadly. "I'll get some tonight."

"No you will not," said Clara, "one word, _crumbs_, Chin."

"Awww..." he pouted. "Anything with bananas in?"

"We thought about banana soup," said Rory, "but then we stopped thinking about it quite quickly."

"Well, good," Clara said, "I'm fine with normal food. Normal food sounds great. How drunk will these people be getting? Have you spiked their cocktails?"

"The cocktails don't need to be spiked, they had enough in then anyway," said Rose, "don't let the kids drink them."

"Where are the kids?" Clara asked.

"If I tell you, don't stab me," Rose said.

"What? I'm not gonna stab you, or-"

"_Oswin's looking after them_." Clara wished she had a weapon of some kind to hit Rose with, but somebody appeared to be holding her hands together. She followed the arms and found her husband's face.

"Don't kill anyone," he said.

"Kill anyone? I wasn't going to kill anyone."

"Or attack anyone," he added.

"Well... Alright, you can have that one..." she muttered, finally finding the stupid red dress in the crowds with the two Maitlands on either side. Oswin waved, but Clara knew the malicious look on her face - after all, they had the same face - and that meant she was going to be victim of something later in the night. Clara glared back.

They had some sort of alien soup for the starter, which was almost as tasteless as the food at Fruits of the Sea. The second course was some fancy looking banana slices on a plate. Then there was finally the main course of fish fingers and custard, which didn't taste half as bad as Clara had imagined, but she still felt guilty for the ill-looking wedding guests she didn't know. Finally they brought out thankfully un-poisoned souffles, and not only that, they were delicious.

However, it was then time for speeches. Jack got up and tapped a glass to get everyone to be quiet. Then Martha stood up and pulled him back to his seat to allow Rory to stand and pull out a sheet of paper.

"The first time I met The Doctor," Rory said as he composed himself, "he grabbed my phone, nicked my girl and shouted at me and an eye. The second time I met him I thought he was going to be a stripper, turns out he made-out with my wife and then almost got her killed..." Amy looked sheepish next to him. "But first impressions aside... I'm happy he did all that, he added a new look to the universe, making all the stars brighter and the fish fingers a little more... Custard-ier.

"A toast..." Rory said, raising his glass, "...to the mad man in a box of the bluest blue who changed my universe and saved my life and wife." And then there were cheers for the best man nobody knew, for the couple nobody knew, for the bridesmaids nobody knew, and for the Doctor, whom everybody knew.

"So, I guess it's my turn now?" Jack said. "You can't stop me now, I'm making a speech. Hello there, I'm Captain Jack Harkness. When I met the Doctor, I met this guy," he pointed at Nine, "the Ninth incarnation of his. And I met this gal," he pointed at Rose, "we pretty much hit it off straight away. We ran away from some zombies in the Second World War and I almost died, but the Doctor saved me and brought me on board the TARDIS. After that, we went to Cardiff where I met Mickey the Idiot and we kicked out a Slitheen who was gonna blow up the planet and ride the shockwaves. Then we went to the year 200100, I got on a reality show and killed by the Daleks. Then this little lady absorbed the whole time vortex into her head and brought me back to life - only, she did it so well I can't die. Then they left me behind. In the Doctor's honour, I reinvented an organisation called Torchwood.

"The second time I met the Doctor, I met his Tenth incarnation - and best looking incarnation-"

"Oi!" said Nine and Eleven together, but Jack ignored them.

"And this girl here, Martha Jones. Together, we stopped the Master, or Harry Saxon as you knew him. I didn't really do anything, it was mostly down to Martha here that any of you are sat here today. Then I moved on.

"The third time I met the Doctor, I met his Tenth body again and a whole bunch of other people, this time the Daleks were invading planet Earth. There were 26 other planets in the sky. I'm not gonna bore you with that, but we beat em.

"The fourth time I met the Doctor, I met this guy sitting right here. The Eleventh Doctor. And everyone came back for one big reunion. But the only thing any of us were talking about was these two. And it was pretty plain to see Clara Oswin Oswald was one girl who wasn't reduced to a pile of nothing when I said 'hello'. And that was because she was already pretty much head over heels for the Doctor. Two days later they got married in Vegas and the rest is history. They've had their ups and downs - personally, I wouldn't have given her the champagne flute - and they've had their annoying moments and they've also been beaten up a few times. So let's have a big round of applause and a toast to whouffle, whose wedding this is!" Everyone applauded, even those on the top table who had been waiting with balled fists for the sex jokes to start rolling in.

"Now it's your turn, husbandy," Rose said.

"My - er - what?" he spluttered, but Donna and Martha had started leading the chants of 'speech! speech! speech! speech!'. "Oh, I... alright then." More cheers.

"Alright, before I say anything I am the same Doctor you've all met before, just with a different face. When I first saw Clara here, I felt like I already knew her. Mostly because I did already know her though... Anyway, I'm not going to bore you with all the very complicated timey-wimey stuff, and I can't exactly pinpoint the moment I fell for her - but it was some time in Victorian London, I imagine. And after that, she's died about a thousand times to save me, and to save her I've risked my life exactly once, so you can probably tell who wears the trousers. The past is the past though, and this is the present. And right now, in this moment, Clara Oswald, I can truly say I'm completely, utterly, totally, dangerously in love with you. So, a toast, to Clara, and to the future!" he raised his glass, "Geronimo!"

**_TO BE CONTINUED IN THE EPIC SEQUEL THAT IS: THE WEDDING: CLASHES OF LOVE, FROM THE ACCLAIMED AUTHOR OF: THE WEDDING: VOWS OF THE KING AND THE WEDDING: DINNER OF THE FALLEN!_**


	91. The Wedding: Clashes of Love

**AN: If anybody else wants to know, no, I'm not gonna end this fic after the wedding. I thought about ending it and just making a sequel carried straight on from wherever, but then I thought, nah. No point really. It's not ending any time soon, I assure you. No matter what may happen after this wedding. Which, yes, is a plea for you not to stop reading when we get to "the bit". And you will know "the bit" when "the bit" happens, trust me on this. Anyway, there's still four more chapters of wedding to go. Also, you guys sort of scared Ethan with those death threats. I think you should be nicer to him though, regarding the future.**

_The Wedding: Clashes of Love_

"Hello," said a voice behind Clara. She turned around and was faced with herself. Though currently, in her heels, she was the taller of the pair of them. By about three centimetres.

"Oswin," she said.

"Clara," Oswin said. They glared at each other. Eleven hovered uneasily nearby. "I heard you'd stolen my name."

"Hardly stolen," said Clara, "Hope you weren't thinking of getting off with Jack, he has a girlfriend. And a boyfriend."

"Thinking about? Believe me, I already did."

"You did not!" said Clara.

"I'm sure I did, unless my memory's failing me," she said.

"Maybe it is since you think I stole your bloody name!"

"Come on, wifey, let's leave before this gets any weirder," said Eleven, pulling her away from Oswin before a fight broke out.

"You know you're living every guy's dream, right?" Jack said after him.

"You! Stay away from her - me - us!" Clara yelled back at him. All he did was wink, but he was hidden from view as crowds closed in and Eleven was still pulling her hand. "Where are we going?" she asked him when she was pulled out of the main hall where the wedding party was going on into one of the empty corridors. He turned and bent down to her level.

"Lot of alcohol in there, isn't there? And you know, wifey, I'd be willing to bet money they're going to get drunk. Maybe we can do a little sabotage of our own," he said.

"I like your thinking, we make a good team," she said.

"Such a good team we should get married."

"What, me and you? Get married? Be realistic Chin, that'll never happen in 1200 years of time and space," she said, taking advantage of the fact they were level for once and giving him a kiss.

"No. I don't know where that idea came from. Anyway, off we go!" he grabbed her hand and started to run.

"Doctor! I can't run in-" but she'd fallen over, "...heels."

"Eurgh, you called me _Doctor_."

"I was panicking," she said as he helped her to her feet. "Now walk, like a normal person."

"Fine, but only because _you_ asked," he said, walking along. "When they show their video tomorrow, how about we switch them so they get to watch themselves drunk?"

"This is why I love you," she said, grinning.

* * *

**AN: Mid-chapter POV switch again, swapping back to Rose.**

* * *

Somehow the Maitlands had been given custody of Little Clara, and if Rose trusted them, she may as well be as stupid as an Absorbalof. But there was nothing she could do, and River had volunteered to keep an eye on them. Rose and Jenny(accompanied by Tentoo), however, had lost the subjects they were meant to be tailing.

"Where could those two have gone?" Jenny muttered. Tentoo craned his neck over the crowds to try and catch sight of the loping form of Eleven mooching around the people.

"I don't mean to sound like I have a low opinion of them," Rose began, "but I think we should check the bedrooms."

"Really?" Tentoo said.

"Yeah... And I really don't want to do that," she said. "But sneaking off to the bedroom during your own wedding is just wrong, and rude," she said.

"Should we get Jack?" Jenny said, "I think Clara would like it if we kept him away from Oswin."

"I think you'd like it if we kept him away from-"

"Well, that's my night ruined," said Jack, appearing suddenly out of the crowd into their little clearing. "Vortex manipulator died! That means I can't project Oswin anymore."

"Oh, thank god," sighed Rose. "We were just heading off to the bedrooms, to look for you-know-who."

"Voldemort?" he asked.

"What? No, you idiot! Whouffle!" said Rose.

"Ohh..." he said. She rolled her eyes, and H&T and Co. wove their way through the crowds towards the bedroom corridor, just as the two they were looking for emerged.

"Well, where have you two been?" asked Jack, but Clara was suddenly very angry.

"Nevermind that, what have you been doing with Oswin?!"

"What? I can't touch her, she's a hologram. My VM doesn't have the power to physically project people like the TARDIS."

"She said you slept with her," said Clara.

"Believe me, if I could I..." he glanced at Eleven, "would definitely not!" he amended accordingly, "I mean, that would be almost the same as sleeping with your wife... Oh, hey! Listen to that music!" he lifted a remote control and the sound of a slowdance Rose didn't recognise started playing.

"Clear the floor, people!" Jenny said, "The bride and groom want to have the first dance!" there were more cheers from the now very drunk people encircling them.

"What?! No, nobody said anything about a dance! I can't dance, I'll fall over!" Clara was rambling, but Eleven refused to listen as he dragged her out. Rose on-looked as Clara continued to hiss things at him in protest.

"This isn't very nice, Rose, if she can't dance," said Tentoo, waiting by Rose's side for when it was their turn to dance in a while.

"She _can_ dance," Rose said, "she just doesn't want to. I just realised they still haven't danced since they were married though, so it is still their first dance."

"Oh, whatever," he mumbled, "look, she's looking at you."

"Well, so?"

"Come on, I'm sure she's not having much fun out there on her own," he said, pulling her out. She sighed, but didn't do-a-Clara and screech about it. Jack and Jenny quickly followed them out (**AN: I know nothing about dancing FYI**), and the rest of them hurried onto the floor, minus a couple of stragglers - notably Ten. And then others thankfully joined them and whouffle looked a lot less self-conscious.

And then it was all ruined.

Tentoo was clobbered by somebody from the back. His eyes rolled and he toppled to the floor, making people scream as Rose was faced with a completely drunk Tenth Doctor, with a bottle of 'Jack Juice' in his hand. A large bottle. A large, empty bottle.

The dancers pushed back so there was a circle around the TARDIS-fourteen. Martha rushed to help Tentoo, who was no Time Lord and wouldn't jump straight back up like his drunken counterpart who was now swaying dangerously.

"Easy, fella," Jack went to steady him, "a whole bottle of this stuff? Boy, are you lucky to be a Time Lord."

"Two bottles," he gurgled. Jack just stared at him and laughed, shaking his head. He was utterly speechless.

"Maybe you should tell us why you just punched your clone?" asked Clara.

"Cos..." and he collapsed, elbowing Tentoo when he landed over him so they made a cross of great hair and sharp suits and cool shoes on the floor. Then he snored.

"Urgh..." groaned Rose.

_**TO BE CONTINUED IN THE EPIC SEQUEL THAT IS: THE WEDDING: GAMES OF DISTRACTION, FROM THE ACCLAIMED AUTHOR OF THE WEDDING: VOWS OF THE KING; THE WEDDING: DINNER OF THE FALLEN AND; THE WEDDING: CLASHES OF LOVE!**_


	92. The Wedding: Games of Distraction

**AN: Back to Clara here.**

_The Wedding: Games of Distraction_

Clara had later decided she and Eleven were the only sensible people. They'd been shuttled about room to identical room, and there was a huge disco floor in their current abode. She was sat out drinking only champagne. Eleven was off with the Ponds doing some crazy dance as Clara waited with the now sleeping Maitlands and her younger self, she being the only one sober enough and trusted enough to look after children.

And then Emma Grayling sat down opposite her in the booth, the three children in between them, and Clara asked the question she'd been asking all the guests as greeting.

"On a scale of one to ten, how drunk are you?" Clara asked her. She guessed she herself would be about two. She'd had little to drink, and what she had was just champagne. Emma Grayling did not reply, merely frowned, so Clara sighed. "Where's Professor Palmer?"

"I don't know," she said, "I told you not to trust him."

"Yeah, I remember..."

"Why do you?"

"I know everything about him - _everything_, really, I do," said Clara.

"How can you be sure?"

"Oh, you know... wibbly-wobbly... timey-wimey... stuff... Oh my god I sound like him," she said, clapping a hand over her mouth. Emma Grayling didn't really understand, but she laughed nevertheless. "Anyway, it's not like I had much choice in the matter."

But her conversation was cut short when Jack and Rory emerged from somewhere holding-

"IS THAT A GIANT TWISTER MAT?!" Clara yelled at Rory.

"Er..."

"AND WHAT'S ALL THAT PAINT FOR?!"

"Um..." said Rory.

"Messy twister!" Jack declared. "If you don't wanna ruin that dress I would definitely go off to the TARDIS and get a wardrobe change."

"Come on, you," she grabbed Eleven's hand a few minutes later.

"What? Wifey, I was talking to Amy!"

"Doesn't matter, I need to change out of this dress. It's getting late, and it's not very comfy. Also, I can't walk properly in these heels..." Amy said. Clara looked at her feet as she pulled Eleven along.

"That's because you're only wearing one," Clara told her. Amy looked down.

"Ooohhh..."

"So, what have you been up to?" Eleven asked her, pulling her arm and looping it around his so she wasn't dragging him through corridors. Clara knew his shoulder was the official winner of Comfy Shoulder of the Year Award. And the suit was far softer than his tweed.

"Watching the kids. Why am I in charge of my younger self? What if I accidentally do-a-Rose and make the universe implode or something?" she voiced worries.

"We've gone now, don't worry," he said. "But yes, that's a highly likely scenario. Someone should probably take those kids to a bedroom."

"Everyone's drunk, and I can't do it, can I?" Clara said.

"Alright, fine, wifey! You'll take forever anyway. I'll go get the kids then come back to the TARDIS," he said, then he scampered away.

* * *

"Hurry up, wifey!" Eleven moaned from the other side of the bathroom door.

"Just a sec," she called. It had been fifteen minutes of her sniggering and going 'just a sec'. Truth be told, Clara was not going to play messy Twister. No. She was going to record the drunks playing it. But she was waiting for them to start without her and Eleven, so she wouldn't be forced to join in. Although entertaining herself by pretending she were still getting ready was fun enough right then.

"But wifey, it's been _half an hour_!" he whined.

"No it hasn't, I've been tracking the time, Time Lord. You. Are. Wrong," she said factually.

"Well... I... _Fine!_ You win. Can we go yet?"

"Give it a bit longer, Chin," she said, opening the door. "Do you think they're drunk enough yet?"

"Drunk enough? Eh?"

"You know, I cannot shake the feeling if there were a few hundred people somehow reading what we were all doing, they'd think the others were far better at scheming than we are..." said Clara.

"Well, H&T are very good at espionage," said Eleven.

"H&T? Don't call them that, that's what they want, Chin."

"They did that honeymoon brilliantly, switching the rooms and everything. Genius, really. I couldn't think of something like that," said Eleven.

"Urgh. Don't talk to me about that honeymoon, Chin. Really," she said.

"And then there was this whole wedding."

"And apparently they recorded us on our first wedding. That must have taken skill..."

"Yeah - why are they so good at spying?!"

"Maybe they're not, maybe we're just reeeeally stupid?"

"Oh, you're never stupid, wifey," he said.

"Sadly, the same cannot be said about you, _Darling_."

"Sweetheart." _Oh, the joys of flirting without having to worry about physical injury_, Clara thought happily to herself.

"You know, Chin, we're all alone, looking to fill time, in our bedroom, on our wedding night..."

"You're right, wifey! Let's jump on the bed!" he yelled, before leaping onto it. _Oh, Doctor..._

"Hey! Shoes off! They could have all sorts on them!"

* * *

The pair of them finally returned to the twister game after another fifteen minutes and Clara had managed to convince her adult, responsible, clever husband to stop having a temper tantrum because she wouldn't let him jump on the bed in his dirty shoes.

"Left hand, green!" Donna called, she, River and the still-unconscious Tenth Doctor being the only ones not joining in on the eight-by-eight grid covered in paint and bodies on the floor. There were people in varying states of soberness all around the room, but few of the guests were even awake, and the rest of the TARDIS-fourteen were clearly completely and utterly smashed.

"I can't reach a green with my left hand!" Rose protested from the mat. Everyone was so covered in paint already it was difficult to tell what was going on, but as far as Clara could see, there was a green circle right next to Rose's left hand.

"Yes you can," said Tentoo from... somewhere. They really had no idea Clara was filming them, even the ones not multi-coloured were paying no attention to whouffle, who had ducked out of sight when they weren't noticed.

"No, green's over there," Rose balanced herself and waved wildly in an unspecified direction.

"It's right in front of you!"

"That's yellow!"

"No, it's green!" said Tentoo.

"Oh, I'm always wrong, am I? It's like this at home!"

"What?!"

"Always 'Urgh Rose that's _greeeen_'!" she tried to imitate him poorly and fell over, getting her face in the green instead of her hand. "That's your fault, now my face is yellow!"

"No, your face is green!" he argued.

"Saying the sight of me makes you sick?!"

"What? No! Look, Rose, I'm-"

"Right foot, red!" Donna called. It was apparently Tentoo's turn, and unless he was a contortionist and could stick his leg through Rory's stomach, he was not getting his foot there.

"I can just... If I..." he said, attempting it for some reason. He kicked Rory, and Rory fell over and grabbed Tentoo's foot, pulling him down too. "I could have made that!"

"You kicked me!" Rory argued back as they stood up to join Rose.

"Right foot, blue!" Donna called. Jack easily moved his foot in accordance with the instruction.

"Left foot, yellow!"

"I can't reach that far! Spin it again!" Jenny protested, looking very reminiscent of a starfish on the twister mat. This would be hilarious the next morning.

"I can't spin it again," Donna said.

"What? Why?"

"It's the rules."

"The rules are stupid, and they don't apply to Time Ladies. Spin it again!" she shouted.

"I can't spin it again!"

"Calm down, doll. The rules say you can't-" Jack began, but no, Jenny had somehow slid out from the ball of limbs and marched over to the twister board on a table nearby. She spun it on her own as the others (who were stuck in some rather painful positions) complained.

"Left foot, yellow," Donna said.

"Fine! I give up!" and Jenny sat down. Donna spun again for the next person's turn.

"Left foot, yellow!" she called. Martha managed to plant her hand on the correct circle, but then she slipped and dragged the Ninth Doctor to the ground with her where he was covered in so much goopy, green paint it looked like a Slitheen had just exploded. Only Amy, Jack and Mickey remained on the twister mat now, but they were too far away to trip each other up, so Clara took her cue to run and push them over.

"Guys!" she said, pretending to be smashed, once they were covered in the paint, "I just had the best idea! Why don't we paint the town!?"

"What, with your pants?" Martha asked, snorting. _Urgh, drunks_.

"No, with paint! Seriously, we could fly over London and paint it TARDIS blue! In like, the eighteenth century!"

"That is a brilliant idea!" declared Tentoo.

_**TO BE CONTINUED IN THE EPIC SEQUEL THAT IS: THE WEDDING: DRUNKENNESS OF THE SOBER, FROM THE ACCLAIMED AUTHOR OF THE WEDDING: VOWS OF THE KING; THE WEDDING: DINNER OF THE FALLEN; THE WEDDING: CLASHES OF LOVE; AND THE WEDDING: GAMES OF DISTRACTION!**_


	93. The Wedding: Drunkenness of the Sober

**AN: Are you guys not getting sick of this wedding yet? Because I am. I really, really am. Sticking with Clara for a couple of chapters. BTW, I love when I call them something in the fic (I.E the Cult or TARDIS-fourteen or H&T) you guys start calling them that in the reviews. It makes me feel like an influential person.**

_The Wedding: Drunkenness of the Sober_

1932 Cardiff was officially electric blue once they were through with it. Clara wasn't even drunk, but she thought it was hilarious. Then they simply skulked into the TARDIS swimming pool and decided for some reason half-drowning their drunk selves in chlorine was the best way to go about getting a wash.

"We should jam up the plumbing for everyone but us in the morning," Clara whispered to Eleven, not wanting the others to hear as they stood and filmed them. The tiki bar Rose had said produced smoothies while Clara was on honeymoon was now spitting out jägerbombs for the others, and they were just as drunk as Vegas. None of them were remembering this in the morning, and Clara just laughed.

"Brilliant idea, I'll fix it in a little while. Are you tired yet?" he wondered, flipping his wrist up to read the time from his watch. "It's five in the morning."

"We're on the TARDIS, forget about time, we'll travel away for the night and come back at eight," she said blandly.

"It's a bit boring here," he said.

"Suppose so..." said Clara, "but imagine what they'll be like in the morning?"

"There's always the chance they'll be glad about what they've done. We're gonna have to be awake for a long while yet, wifey."

"I need a caffeine fix," she said, "I haven't had one cup of tea all day."

"I'm sure we can sort that out. Come on, let's go to the kitchen. There's always the chance they could have done something awful on their own by the time they get back."

But, three cups of tea later, they were somehow just as energetic as always in the now greyish, dirty swimming pool and showing no signs of quitting. But they'd replaced the alcohol with water so they didn't die from their own stupidity.

"I have an idea," said Clara, "where's that trans-dimensional phone?" A moment later, Eleven had returned with the phone.

"What's your plan?"

"We'll get them to call their parents," she said.

"That's good."

"I am," she said.

"Get Rose, I'll call Jackie," he said, dialing a number.

"Rose! Your mum wants to speak to you! She's on the phone!" Clara yelled. Whouffle left Rose with free run on the phone, and the camera with the instructions not to drop it in the pool after they'd swapped a new memory card into it so she didn't damage the however-many hours' worth of footage they'd already collected.

"I'm so tired, Chin!" Clara whinged, closing her eyes and leaning on his shoulder as they stood sifting through the already-huge collection in the console room

"I can't do anything about that, we have to finish with this video and then go get the other one off them. Maybe we'll leave them to their own devices after that though.

"Don't do that, they might drown."

"We'll put them in a safer environment then. Lock them in the corridors, I don't know, wifey. Even I'm tired, and I'm a sober Time Lord."

"Maybe I'll go to bed without you then," she said.

"On our wedding night? Isn't there a special Earthling tradition-thing..? You know? That couples do?"

"No, Chin. Not tonight there isn't. Maybe tomorrow."

* * *

Clara felt a million times better in the morning when she woke up, but was annoyed for a moment when she couldn't stretch because she was currently a little spoon, as was routine for every morning she woke up naturally. She closed her eyes and relaxed like that for a while, not caring if Eleven knew she was awake or not. Usually he caught her up on it though.

"You awake?" he asked. And, as usual, he caught her up on it.

"Yep, and I'm in no mood to move," she said.

"That's good, neither am I."

"It feels good to be back in the TARDIS, to be away from all that and just able to relax," she said. She half-expected someone to run in and say she'd jinxed it now, but no, silence remained.

All in all, silence ended up remaining all through Clara's shower and by the time she was sat alone in the kitchen/lounge with some breakfast and tea (Eleven was in the console room doing something-or-other) she was almost longing for something to end the silence.

"Okay. What happened?" said Rose, first to emerge from the nethers of the bedroom corridor off to the side of the TARDIS, still resembling a hunting lodge for no apparent reason. "My clothes are gone. The shower's broken." She was a mess. Bloodshot eyes, face covered in running makeup, hair a tangled mess of rats' tails, dress ripped and covered in paint.

"Do you want to see the video?" Clara asked.

"Video?"

"Oh, yeah. How much exactly remember?"

"I don't know, ask me," Rose sat down and stole Clara's tea and a bacon rasher.

"Oi!"

"Ask me!"

"Urgh. Fine. Do you remember twister?"

"Twister?"

"Giant Messy Twister. Jack's idea, I think. That's where the paint's all from. Then do you remember Cardiff?"

"What happened in Cardiff?"

"You took the phrase 'paint the town' a bit literally," she sugar-coated her own involvement in the fiasco.

"Oh god..."

"A whole lot of fun in the TARDIS pool."

"Great..."

"Drunk-dialed your own mother," said Clara.

"What!?"

"Yep. Sorry," said Clara.

"But you're not really, are you?"

"Not at all."

"Thought not..." grumbled Rose. "Eurgh. How much sugar is in this tea?"

"Just two!"

"It's disgusting," then Rose drank it again anyway and Clara scowled. Eleven came back in and Clara managed to get him to make her a whole round of fourteen teas as the others started getting up, all of them, to whouffle's vengeful delight, showerless and fresh-clothes-less.

"Well, don't you two look happy," Donna commented about them. Clara frowned at her. Eleven was on the other side of the room making tea and she was tapping her fingers idly on the table wishing for a newspaper to read or a TV to watch.

"Sorry?" Clara asked her.

"Nevermind. Bloody newlyweds..."

"How many of you are actually still really drunk?" Clara asked them. They all shrugged.

"Sweetheart, I don't stay drunk for very long. What with my condition," Jack said.

"Stop calling it a condition! If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here," said Rose.

"Let's just calm down-"

"Let's not calm down!" Rose shouted.

"Chin, fix the plumbing for them and get them clothes," Clara said, "The stupid Snogbox won't listen to me."

"Right you are, wifey," he said, handing out tea before dashing away again. Thankfully, tea quelled the arguments and soon enough the others dispersed to showers and fresh clothes.

_**TO BE CONTINUED IN THE EPIC PENULTIMATE CHAPTER THAT IS: THE WEDDING: GOODBYES OF THE GONE, FROM THE ACCLAIMED AUTHOR OF THE WEDDING: VOWS OF THE KING; THE WEDDING: DINNER OF THE FALLEN; THE WEDDING: CLASHES OF LOVE; THE WEDDING: GAMES OF DISTRACTION; AND THE WEDDING: DRUNKENNESS OF THE SOBER!**_


	94. The Wedding: Goodbyes of the Gone

**AN: You guys seen the minisodes yet? They're pretty hilarious, especially the second one which I so wish I'd thought of, because you know, hilarious. But me and a lot of other fic authors had the bedroom-moving-and-deletion stuff long before Moffat. And did I ever mention I love all you guys but I also hate you sometimes for making me write this wedding? But whatever, I am a terrible human and thus I shall torture you with this famed "bit" I have so callously mentioned. And I'm still looking for somewhere to slot in this sass-battle, but it's happening I assure you :)**

_The Wedding: Goodbyes of the Gone_

Finally, it was time for Clara to actually meet her wedding guests. Eleven was off again messing with some part of the TARDIS console and ignoring everyone, though that was probably because Jack had been teasing him a lot about their wedding night and the many things they hadn't actually gotten up to. Rose had cheered up after she'd found some magical pill in the medical bay to sober her up and erase her hangover, and she was stood with Clara while Martha fixed up the injured Tentoo in a different room. People were leaving the hotel and all crowding onto the TARDIS. There was a room sorted down a hall with roller-coaster like harnesses to stop people falling about in the Snogbox. And Clara had been forced on meet & greet duty.

"Jack had better hurry up sending them in..." grumbled Clara, wanting to sit down, but she didn't want to be rude. Rose had a checklist of all the guests. The Maitlands, Alonso(who had not left Jack's room for the whole time) and Little Clara had already been set up in the big harness room.

"He's Jack, let him be," said Rose, scanning the list. "I so know none of these people."

"You're not the only one..." said Clara bitterly.

"Oh, look. Someone's here," said Rose. Clara knew everyone only through the Doctor's time stream, they had no clue who she was. She knew these three were the Owen's family. Jenny, Donna, Ten and Amy were on stand-by to take people into the other room, like crude ushers. "Names?"

"I'm Craig, this is Sophie and this is Alfie," he said.

"Alfie? That'd be Stormaggeddon?" Rose asked, squinting at the clipboard.

"...Suppose..." muttered Craig, gaining a disapproving look from his wife.

"Hi, I'm Clara, I'm the bride. This wedding was nothing to do with me. None of it. I apoligise on everyone else's behalf," she said, shaking hands. "You'll be back home in no time. There's some order today."

"So, you and the Doctor?" said Craig suggestively.

"Ha ha," Clara said.

"Yep, those two, peas in a pod. Completely in love, sickening, to be honest. We try to avoid them at all costs. I'm Rose Tyler. In case of an emergency, this is your only exit. We really hope there won't be an emergency though," said Rose.

"Hope? Can't you make sure?"

"Sorry, what was that? Jenny, take our guests to their seats?" Rose said.

"No, hang on, what was that about an-" but the family were gone, leaving the path clear for the next lot, who were a group of teenagers all quite a lot taller than both Clara and Rose, headed by a robot dog.

"Hi, I'm Clara, I'm the bride. This wedding was nothing to do with me. None of it. I apologise on everyone else's behalf," Clara repeated herself, once again shaking hands.

"Clyde Langer," said Clyde. "So, you and the Doctor, eh?"

"What is so surprising about that?" Clara asked shrilly.

"You're being rude again," Rose hissed at her. Clara glared at her. "I'm sorry about her. She's a bit tired, you know how wedding nights go." Clyde wolf-whistled, Rani smacked his arm and Luke laughed.

"Clani," he said.

"Shut up, Luke!" both of then replied.

"Nothing even happened. We were on babysitting duty of this lot last night. All drunk," said Clara, "they painted Cardiff blue."

"Oh really? We're going there? Want me to tell them what happened the last time you got drunk? Maybe what happened on your honeymoon?"

"Er... no thanks Rose," said Clara, and Donna leapt in to sweep the four away, K-9 trailing along slowly. Then a man in a Victorian dress and a beard showed up, looking jolly and almost like a brown-haired Father Christmas.

"Charles Dickens!" said Rose, jumping in to shake his hand, "didn't get to talk properly the other day, did we?"

"No, we didn't, Rose Tyler! I did speak to your gentleman friend though."

"Which one?" Rose asked. Dickens frowned. "I mean... Er... You spoke to the Ninth Doctor, right?"

"Yes, very much so! And this would be the bride?" he said, holding out his hand to the dumbstruck Clara Oswald to speak.

"I..." she stammered. Charles Dickens was at _her_ wedding?! "Er... You're Charles Dickens?"

"I am he, my dear! Pleasure to be invited here, wonderful day!" he said, then the Tenth Doctor lead him away as he babbled about something or other.

"You did not tell me _Charles Dickens_ was going to be at _my_ wedding!" she hissed at Rose.

"It's _our_ wedding, wifey," said Eleven, popping up from somewhere below the console. He had dirty, greasy hands. "I'd do something cute, but," he held up his hands apologetically. "Just getting a spanner."

"Did we not show you two the whole guest list?" Rose asked, "I thought we mentioned it in the video?"

"You did, I think, but I wasn't listening," Clara confessed as Eleven ducked back out of sight. "You're having a shower when you're done, Chin." He shouted something back, but she couldn't tell what it was.

"Shakespeare and Van Gogh'll be coming in later. I haven't met either of them yet," Rose said blandly, handing Clara the guest list.

"Nefertiti?!" she exclaimed.

"Oh, yeah. Ponds know her," said Rose.

"Right..."

"Speaking of which," Rose nodded and Clara looked up to be faced with a prissy-looking Pharaoh.

"Erm... It's that way," Clara pointed behind her.

"Be polite! Just nervous. She's never met a Pharaoh before. Neither have I," said Rose. Nefertiti just nodded, and Jenny - upon returning - lead her away. Ridell staggered in after her and followed blankly without a word. Amy shook her head.

"Those two..." she muttered.

"Worse than whouffle?" Rose asked. Amy rolled her eyes.

"_Much_."

"Urgh. Stars, I hate you all," grumbled Clara. "Who's next?" she asked without thinking.

"Okay, firstly, you're the one holding the list. Secondly, they're not coming in alphabetical order. Thirdly, how are any of us even supposed to know?" Rose questioned.

"Alright, fine! We'll just wait," said Clara, who did not actually recognise the next person through the door with a nine year old son.

"Nancy, hi! Didn't see you last night," said Rose.

"Maybe you did and you don't remember," said Eleven, appearing from nowhere and try to wrap his arm around Clara's shoulders.

"No, don't do that!" she said, "you're covered in stuff."

"Sorry, wifey..."

"Did you just make a joke about this lot being drunk? I'm a bad influence on you," she said.

"You're being impolite again, _wifey_," snapped Rose.

"Oi! You are not married to me, so you are not allowed to call me your wifey! Sorry though, you're Nancy, right? I didn't recognise you," said Clara, shaking her hand.

"Recognise me? I've never met ya," she frowned.

"Er, it's a long story. A really, really, _really_, REALLY long story."

"She's right, if I were you I wouldn't bother with it. So, how _is_ little Jamie?" Rose asked, bending down to the level of the surprisingly tall nine-year old.

"I'm not little," he grumbled.

"No, you're really not..." said Clara, only just a foot taller than the boy fifteen years younger.

"He's fine," said Nancy, "doesn't get ill though, thanks to those nanogenes. Never had a cold or anything."

"Bet he's never had a black eye," Martha commented snidely.

"Oi, all my black eyes are entirely your fault," Clara sapped. Martha just snickered.

"How's life? You looked pretty well-off when we picked you up," said Rose.

"Hope you're not stealing things again," said Eleven warningly, "oh, pardon me, I'm the Eleventh Doctor. Haven't met you yet. Well I mean, I have, but I haven't. And you haven't. But you have, I suppose... Have you?"

"Chin, go wash your hands," Clara said as he tried to shake Nancy's hand.

"Alright, fine, _Clara_," he said. She gasped. How dare he, how dare he say her name to her!

"Don't say that word to me," she hissed. He looked genuinely scared of the five foot tall woman.

"Yes, sweetheart," he ducked away and ran off like a child to the kitchen, presumably.

"THAT ONE'S JUST AS BAD, DOCTOR! REMEMBER I KNOW YOUR REAL NAME?!" she yelled after him, and he popped back into the room with an expression which scared Clara. "Oh come on, you know I won't tell anyone. I can barely pronounce it."

"Good! That word can end the universe!" Amy had ended up taking Nancy and Jamie away while Clara was distracted with her weird-angry-flirting.

"Can you either not flirt, or flirt like normal people?" Rose asked. Clara said nothing as they awaited the next guest. Or guests, as it turned out to be a pig, a showgirl and a boy.

"Hi!" said Martha, coming over to hug Frank. Tullulah, Clara had already met. She had not met Laszlo or Frank, however. "How's life? What year was it when they picked you up?"

"1932," said Frank, "a year later. I got a job, got an apartment. Moved up in the world."

"We're engaged!" declared Tullulah, flashing a wedding ring. "And you're all invited!"

"Ah. Do you have a date yet?" Rose asked.

"April 19th, 1933," she said happily.

"Great! Well, we will be there! At some point! Looking forward to it! Hopefully won't get so drunk we forget everything," said Martha, leading them away while chatting idly about their wedding.

"Isn't that nice?" Clara said.

"We don't know them," said Rose.

"Well the Tenth Doctor does, so Tentoo does as well, and clearly Martha knows them," she said, then, as Eleven bounded through the console room to hug Clara from behind, Porridge the Emperor of the Universe appeared in the door.

"Feel the tension," said Jenny, returning. Rose nodded.

"Right, you. No army to save your little Emperor skin - what have you been saying about my wife?" asked Eleven.

"No, Chin, you don't have to-"

"Of course I do, he's been lying!"

"It's true, you stole my bride!"

"I was not your bride, Porridge! You asked me to marry you, and I said no, and there were about a thousand reasons why I couldn't marry you and he was only a hundred of them," she said. Porridge didn't look happy, and skulked off to find the harness room on his own.

"Wow, a whole hundred reasons," said Eleven.

"Well, ninety-nine," said Clara. She heard Rose and Jenny fake-gagging while the pair of them kissed, and she really wanted to gag them.

"_Impolite!_" Rose hissed through a cough. Wilfred Mott stood in the TARDIS doorway, in awe as Tentoo and Donna both bustled forwards.

"Gramps!" Donna hugged him.

"I... Donna... Where've you been?!"

"On here! I did call the other day," she said, "the Doctor fixed my memories, made my human again!"

"Hello, Wilfred! Now, I know what you're thinking, but me and you, we haven't met. I am the clone of the Tenth Doctor and also your grand-daughter! So, I suppose, we're related! That means you're related to all fourteen of us - except Mickey and Martha."

"What about me and Mickey?" Martha reappeared.

"You're not in the family! All of us are basically related, you two are out in the cold!"

"No, what about Jack?"

"Ah-hem, c'est moi?" said Jenny.

"Il y a moi, actually," said Eleven. "Sorry. I do speak French. And you two aren't married."

"Yet," said Jenny.

"What do you mean 'yet'? Please don't say there's gonna be another wedding, I can't cope," groaned Rose.

"Never mind," said Jenny as Donna and Tentoo left with Wilfred.

"Next into the den is a man an his pet paving slab, he's going to show the dragons his miraculous new invention called 'dating a bit of concrete'," muttered Rose in a undertone.

"Rose, that's awful!"

"He upset my mum!" Rose argued with Clara.

"Who upset your mum?" Elton asked. Sure enough, there was Ursula. The slightly green paving slab. With a face.

"You did!"

"I didn't mean to! It was all Victor Kennedy's fault," Elton pleaded. Rose turned away from them.

"Impolite," Clara hissed.

"Wait - you're together?" Martha asked them.

"Yeah," they both replied.

"But she's... and you're... just, _how_?"

"Well, we-" Elton began.

"No, Elton," said Ursula.

"Oh, yeah, sorry. Congratulations, by the way, on everything," he said, "where're we meant to be going?"

"I'll show you," said Amy, leaving with the pair of them. Next in line was Emma Grayling, Alec Palmer and Hila Tukurian.

"Hi! Long time no see," said Clara.

"Two days?" asked Palmer.

"Well it's been a few months on my end," said Clara, trying to make herself sound less of an idiot. "Wow. So, they grabbed you right after we left? Weird."

"Suppose so," said Palmer, reserved as usual.

"You still don't trust him, do you?" Clara asked Emma Grayling.

"What? Me? You don't trust me? After all I did? Well I am... Why?" he whined. Clara rolled her eyes.

"Sometimes I feel more like your carer than your wife," she sighed. "It's through the back, Martha will take you, I suppose."

"Oh, will I?"

"Fine, I'll do it," said Jenny.

"No, it's alright. Don't suppose you saw Shakespeare out there anywhere?" Martha asked.

"Shakespeare?!" exclaimed Palmer and Emma. "Here? William Shakespeare? _The_ William Shakespeare?"

"Yeah, guess not. You probably wouldn't be talking like that if you'd met the bast - I mean, the bard..." she said(**AN: Yeah, I know Martha and Shakespeare got on well (sometimes too well :P) but I really wanted that joke**), then she dragged them off while being bombarded by questions about her meeting with Shakespeare.

The three Paternosters came in next.

"Jenny!" said Eleven.

"If you bloody kiss me again-"

"I'm sorry, _what_?" asked Clara.

"Oh, I, er, nothing, wifey! It was ages ago! Before I met you!"

"No it wasn't," said Jenny.

"The Crimson Horror, that's when it was. Back in Yorkshire, love," he did his accent. "On't moors." (**AN: I am from this Yorkshire of which you are speaking yes we do clearly all talk like that**) "Except not really on the moors, I'm just playing on a commonly assumed stereotype."

"...Right..." The Paternosters, like Porridge, found their own way through the ship as Amy and Martha got back together. And as Martha and Amy walked towards the group, (Donna and Tentoo still away) Van Gogh and Shakespeare both walked through the doors having a heated argument about which of them was most influential in the future.

"Martha Jones, the lady of Freedonia," said Shakespeare.

"Amy Pond, my bride to be!" declared Van Gogh. As it could seemingly get no more embarrassing, Mickey and Rory both entered the room, too.

"It's Williams now, Vincent. I got married," said Amy.

"Oh, is it a first name basis now?" asked Rory.

"Shut up," said Amy. "Come on, _Vincent_," Amy lead Van Gogh away.

"And who is this lovely lady? Friend of yours?" Shakespeare asked Martha, though he was looking at Clara.

"Sorry, Wills," said Eleven, "we're the people who got married yesterday. Completely taken. So is Martha, come to think of it. You'll have to find yourself a new muse."

"Ah, Doctor, your next regeneration, I presume?"

"Yep, that's me, Eleventh Doctor, Sweetie if you're my ex-wife, Chin if you're my second wife and Darling if you're Jack Harkness. Doctor to everyone else though," he said.

"Husbandy to us lot," commented Rose.

"What? You don't call me Husbandy."

"Yeah, they sort of do, Chin," said Clara, linking arms with him as he pouted, not approving of this new nickname. "Anyway, off you pop, Shakespeare."

"No girl has ever said 'off you pop' to me before," he said.

"Off you pop," said Rose.

"Come on," said Martha to him.

"Charmed, I'm sure," he said to Rose and Clara.

"Bye, Shakey," said Rose, waving.

"Professor!" shouted Clara happily when Professor Grisenko came through the doors next, hugging him.

"See, we remembered to play Duran Duran for you," Rose remarked.

"You did - Hungry Like The Wolf, loved it," he said. "Congratulations on the wedding, you two! I saw that spark the moment you crash landed in our submarine."

"What, really?" asked Clara, disbelieving, "he spent all that time acting like he was in love with his Barbie."

"Oi, leave Barbie alone. She gets a lot of criticism," Eleven defended. Clara half-expected him to draw the barbie out of his pocket and wag it around, but thankfully he didn't. Then Tentoo and Donna finally got back along with Martha, who had wanted to get away from Shakespeare as quickly as possible.

"Come on, I'll get you to the harness room," said Jenny, leading Grisenko away mid-sentence to Clara about some other 80's band she didn't know. Then Amy came back just as Walter the cowboy did in his bowler hat, just in time for a mimed gunfight with Eleven.

"You're such a kid," she commented as Amy tried to explain about the wedding and whatever else to him and have a conversation about the Gunslinger from the Wild West.

"Sally Sparrow!" declared Tentoo, running to hug the woman he'd more or less only communicated with via videos recorded 38 years ago. Sally Sparrow was clearly surprised. "Martha, look! It's Sally Sparrow!"

"What, really? The Sally Sparrow who saved us from the Weeping Angels in 1969?"

"The very same! Gotta love Sally Sparrow! How are you doing, Sally Sparrow? Alright? What about Kathy?"

"We went to visit her, we saw Billy Shipton, too," said Martha.

"You saw Billy? Was he alright?" asked Sally Sparrow.

"Oh, yeah. After a bit. Didn't go swimming for a while though. It's down to you we stopped accidentally blowing up chickens!"

"Yeah, that was messy," said Martha.

"Although I did invent the Timey-Wimey Detector, that was brilliant," he said.

"Genius," said Martha, "good at egg boiling."

"Yep, hence the thing about the chickens. Got on the bad side of a lot of farmers, even got in the papers. They were trying to do me for animal cruelty by the time we got out!"

"No, you left me, they were trying to do _me_ with animal cruelty," said Martha angrily.

"Well, same thing. Did I ever mention how much I love you, Sally Sparrow? Seriously," the conversation faded as Tentoo took her, followed by a confused and dumbstruck Larry Nightingale, away.

"Look, one more name," said Rose, "Tim Latimer."

"He's from 1913. Fought in World War One when he was a teenager, survived, too," said Martha. "We saw him again at a memorial service in 2007."

And then Tim Latimer, followed by Jack finally coming back, came and saluted Martha. She just laughed before hugging him.

"How long's it been? You look older," she said.

"Picked me up in 1918, after the end of the war," said Latimer, "it's been five years."

"Wow. That's why you're so tall now," said Martha.

"The Doctor saved my life twice, he saved me from a shell in the war with that fob watch. With this fob watch," Latimer drew out the fob watch.

"Oh, excellent! Still works, does it?" said Eleven, butting in, "I'm the Doctor, by the way, next Doctor, Eleven, whatever you like since apparently people call me awful names behind my back."

"Chin, it's not exactly an awful name," said Clara, "I'm Clara. Unfortunately, I'm his wife."

"Hey! Anyway, Tim, want any special features? Does the watch need a tweak? I could make it fly, install an AI, make it sonic? Sonic fob watch, imagine that!"

"Let's not," said Clara.

"Come on, Tim. You're the last of them," Martha said. "You can all go home!" There were cheers from the group in the console room, who were still not the complete TARDIS-fourteen.

_**TO BE CONCLUDED IN THE EPIC FINALE CHAPTER THAT IS: THE WEDDING: VIDEO OF SIN, FROM THE ACCLAIMED AUTHOR OF THE WEDDING: VOWS OF THE KING; THE WEDDING: DINNER OF THE FALLEN; THE WEDDING: CLASHES OF LOVE; THE WEDDING: GAMES OF DISTRACTION; THE WEDDING: DRUNKENNESS OF THE SOBER; AND THE WEDDING: GOODBYES OF THE GONE!**_


	95. The Wedding: Video of Sin

**AN: I needed a cup of tea after that last chapter guys, that's how stressful it was. But then again, I am English, and are we not always in need of tea?**

_The Wedding: Video of Sin_

Clara collapsed onto the sofa after putting a mug of tea on the table in the TARDIS lounge in front of her. She was practically dead, and the Snogbox had produced a large cinema screen above the fireplace solely for the purpose of their various videos. Eleven collapsed next to her and she curled up next to him and his famously comfy shoulder.

"Wifey, I am exhausted," he said. They'd been travelling all day, all she really wanted to do was sleep. Sleep a lot.

"I'm sure I'm more tired than you, me being a human and that," she said, looking up at him.

"Oi, don't play the human card with me. Don't think you'll be getting any pity," he said. She gave him puppy-dog eyes. "Nope. No sympathy here. Not from me." She kept looking at him. "Fine! I give in, what do you want?"

"I don't want you to leave me here if I fall asleep," she said.

"What? Carry you to bed? But you're heavy!"

"Er - are you calling me fat?! And may I remind you about Trenzalore? You've carried me before. And when we met, in London with the wifi."

"Alright, I'll take you to bed."

"Excuse me?" said Jack, jumping over the back of their sofa with a whole tub of ice cream to himself and a giant spoon. "Please, keep your sex life in the bedroom. Unless I'm involved."

"We weren't even talking about that," said Clara dismissively. "Shut up."

"Okay, guys, are we ready for this video?" Jack said. Everyone else gathered round with bags of popcorn. Clara had already double-checked the discs were swapped, but by the time the screen loaded she was drifting in and out of sleep, the caffeine doing nothing for her. Jack tickled her feet to wake her, but she lashed out like a donkey and kicked him in the face (**AN: I did that to the now-infamous Ethan once because everyone tried to gang up on me and I kicked him in the face**).

"Wifey, don't kick Jack," whispered Eleven. She tried to speak but she couldn't make words come out properly as she glanced at the screen and could make out lots of paint-y people in a swimming pool, she could still partially hear people yelling in anguish.

"I can't believe we have to sit through this and you're asleep!" shouted Rose, dragging Clara back once again.

"...Tired..."

"Oh, we're all bloody tired!" Rose said. Clara didn't speak. "Right, that's it. Come on." Someone dragged Clara up and traipsed her, by hand and bleary eyed, through corridors on cold floors in bare feet.

"Ow," she said.

"What?" asked Rose. That was who had kidnapped her.

"Cold."

"Well... Urgh," she grumbled, "here, take this pill."

"What? Why?" Clara asked, rubbing her eyes and just making out a white cup of water in one of her own hands and Rose holding oured pill for her to take.

"It's the opposite of a sleeping pill. And it erases hangovers. That's why we're not as tired as you, these are the pills we had this morning," explained Rose.

"Oh, right. Thanks," and within a minute she was wide-awake. "Wait, how am I gonna sleep now?!"

"That's your problem," said Rose, practically skipping away.

"Are we at war or something?"

"Just revenge for this video," she said.

"It's not even revenge anymore, it's just a prank war," said Clara. Then Rose's eyes widened and a grin split her face. "No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!"

"_Why_?" Rose whined.

"No prank war! It's a stupid i - what the hell is that?!" she had glimpsed the new image on the screen, with a big, bold, red and blue logo saying 'Harkness&Tyler and Co. Productions', then the screen changed to another screen, reading 'in association with' and then listing everyone elses' names. Then another obnoxious logo flared up, covered in flames, at the same time there was a discordant piano chord struck. This logo read 'THE VIDEO OF SIN'.

"Mickey! You've made it sound so much worse than it is!" Rose argued.

"So what? Let em dream," Jack remarked. Rose just sighed. "Only two people have seen this video, and I'm not one of them. Congratulations to the newlyweds!" people cheered and Clara just groaned and buried her head in Eleven's tweed.

And as per usual with H&T&Co. Productions, it started with the twelve people involved in the mess sat on chairs in a room. Clara suspected another long, secret, TARDIS trip had gone into the making of this creation.

"_You'll be watching this either before or after your wedding_," Jack began, "_so, if it's before - good luck! We tried to make it great! And if it's after - congratulations! You probably didn't find it too great._"

"_And this is your wedding present_," said Amy, "_from all of us. Aside from the wedding, I mean. This video of the night everybody got completely drunk_."

"_It's probably gonna embarrass everyone though, not just you two crazy kids_," said Jack. "_Well I doubt it'll embarrass me. But everyone else? Most likely. And now, introducing the production team._

"_Our Editors - Rose Tyler and Mickey Smith! Our Writers (and by writers I mean people who thought of pranks) - Dr. Martha Jones, Professor River Song, the Ninth Doctor and Amy Pond! Our Camera-Operators (or spies) - Jenny No-Last-Name, yours truly, Captain Jack Harkness, the Tenth Doctor and Donna Noble! Finally, last but not least, Basestation Operators and Cross-Vortex Communicators - Rory Williams and the Tenth Doctor's Clone, Tentoo! And, as you know already, the stars of the show, Clara Oswin Oswald and the Eleventh Doctor_!" the group had cheered every single name.

"How long is this video?" Clara asked.

"We didn't check," Mickey answered.

"You didn't check. Of course you didn't, why would you bother checking?" she grumbled. The image cut to just Rose and Mickey sat in a room together.

"_So this first scene is what happened when the party started. And we used cloaking technology, which is why the camera angles are so good_," explained Rose on-screen. The film cut to Clara and Eleven sitting in a room resembling a ballroom, but clearly it was inside the TARDIS. The other ten were laughing and dancing and swooning around, and they were alone on one of the smaller tables. Clara could definitely see why they'd been presumed a couple when they weren't a couple. At all. Not even a bit. Not a couple. One-hundred percent not-together. Definitely not dating.

"_Are you sure this stuff is safe_?" Film Clara asked Film Eleven, raising a glass of the substance she recognised as Jack Juice.

"_Well, I don't know. Jack hasn't died,_" said Film Eleven.

"_Doctor, you know Jack can't die_?"

"_What_?"

"_Oh my Stars, you're drunk already! You only had one glass_!"

"_Don't be daft, Ig_."

"_Who's Ig_?!"

"_It's you, Impossible Girl. See, I abbreviated it. I'm Ted_."

"_Shouldn't I be Coo_?"

"_You want me to call you Coo_?"

"_No, Doctor. Please don't call me Coo, or Ig. And I won't call you Ted_," she said.

"_Fine, I'll just find some other name to call you_," he took another swig of his second glass of booze. "_And when I find that name, I'll never call you anything else._"

"_As long as you're not insulting me_," she said.

"_It'll be something amazing_," he said, "_and you'll be all like 'Doctor, that's sooo adorable'_."

"_'Adorable'? That's the best you can come up with? I'm way more... _wordy_ than that. Never in my life have I said adorable, and I definitely never will_."

"Are we sure I wasn't drunk there? I'm quite sure I say adorable a lot," said Real Clara.

"I'm also quite sure you say adorable a lot," said Eleven.

"_You'll say it about me,_" said Film Eleven.

"_Oh, I will, will I? Why you, of all people? What would possibly make you think I like you?_" she asked him.

"_Dancing earlier?_"

"_Well, I, no. I was obviously lying,_" she said. "_Anyway, it's not like anyone heard._"

"Yeah, we sort of it," said Real Jack. Rose hissed at him to be quiet.

"_Oh, come on_," he finished the second glass and poured two more, pushing one in front of Clara. "_Come on, live a little. Have a drink_."

"_Alright, I will have a drink. But this changes nothing_," she said. Basically, within fifteen minutes they were drunk to oblivion with Film Clara being made to drink every time she denied having feelings for the Doctor.

"_You ma'y e'rythin' so... difficult_," slurred Eleven finally. They were both so drunk, Real Clara didn't know if they realised their faces were almost together and Film Clara looked like she was gonna faint.

"_Izzat blushin', Chinny_?"

"_Migh' be._" And then the video cut back to Rose and Mickey.

"_Couldn't show you that bit, it was deemed to unattractive,_" said Film Rose.

"You're calling me ugly, but I really don't care because us kissing drunk is disgusting," Real Clara said.

"You kissing sober is disgusting," said Martha.

"Thought you were being nice?"

"Anyway," said Ten, "moving on." And Clara was forced to deal with watching them get married for the first time, which involved Jack's stolen sonic blaster and someone who now had a square hole in their hand.

"Whoops..." said Real Eleven. It was the most awful thing Clara had been forced to endure, and when she dragged herself off to finally get some sleep she wanted to cry with elation at the fact the wedding was completely and utterly done with.

**AN: THAT'S IT! THAT'S THE WEDDING! Okay, stop asking for it now. Please. _Please_. I'm begging you, no more weddings. My sanity depends on it. I hope "the bit" (*cough*nextchapter*cough*) will put you through and equal amount of suffering. And it might be a double update today. Probably will be.**


	96. Nightmare In Tweed

**AN: All I ask is that you do not murder me or do anything else to me involving violence because I am not evil I am not Moffat okay?!**

_Nightmare in Tweed_

Clara awoke on the floor of the empty TARDIS kitchen. She stared around; where had everybody gone? She'd gone to sleep in her bed with her husband, and she'd woken up in different clothes, alone, and on the floor?

"Chin, what's going on?" Clara asked when she got into the console room, holding her throbbing head, completely bemused as to why her clothes had suddenly changed. His clothes had changed, too, back into the suit he'd been wearing when she'd first met him.

"What? Oh, nothing, Clara. Just some trouble with the time vortex," he said offhandedly, barely looking up at her from the console. Then she realised the room was empty. And that he had not called her wifey. Something was direly wrong with this scene.

"Chin, are you okay?" she asked him. He looked up, his hair flopping over his face, covered in grease or oil or something.

"Yes, of course I'm okay. I'm the King of Okay," he said. "Actually, I think I promised never to say that again... Why, are _you_ okay?"

"I don't know, there's blood on my head. I think I fell over," she said. He rushed over like an obedient dog to examine her sticky hair. "Are you sure you're okay? Really sure?"

"Yes, Clara, I'm sure," he said distantly, "why wouldn't I be okay?"

"Because you called me 'Clara'." He laughed.

"It's your name, what am I supposed to call you, Impossible Girl?"

"Normally you call me wifey... In fact, you _always_ call me wifey," she told him.

"Wifey? Why on Gallifrey would I call you that?" he asked.

"Er..." she said, "where are the others?"

"Others?"

"Um, yes. You know, Rose, Jack, Jenny, Tentoo..? The ones who just organised our wedding? H&T&Co.?"

"Wedding?!"

"Yes, our second wedding..."

"SECOND WEDDING?!" He jumped back from her as she turned around in shock.

"What, is this some kind of joke? Chin, you _know_ how I hate being the butt of jokes! We had all this at the Maitlands the other week!" she said, staring around for cameras or something. She'd probably gotten drunk again as revenge for the sneaky video of the others being crazy. It was just like them to do something awful.

"What at the Maitlands?"

"You know, when Angie-TARDIS kept lying about us having a barbeque. And you asked Mr Maitland if you could marry me," she said, getting worried and angry.

"Angie-TARDIS? Marriage permission? Clara, I think you need to lie down..."

"No, I think _you_ need to lie down. What's gotten into you, going along with their jokes?"

"What do you mean, what's gotten into me? Has the TARDIS being messing with your head? Maybe you should have some tea. Tea makes everything better," he said, "all this second-wedding nonsense, honestly... I thought you were more mature than this, Clara."

"More mature than what?! You're the one who's lying - no! Stop pulling me! I'm not going to the medibay, Chin!" she fought against him, "I don't trust this ship."

"_Why_? What did she do to you?"

"Poisoned me with a souffle! On our honeymoon, no less..." The word 'honeymoon' got him to drop her hand and stare at her. "I had a fit! Literally, a fit! In a hotel! I thought you'd stopped going along with them after the eye-patch business."

"What eye-patch business?!"

"Oh, only when you _flooded our bedroom_, and _tried to make the bed into a ship_."

"What do you mean _our_ bedroom?!"

"Of course 'flooded' isn't the part you question! And making all those jokes about me being a pirate. It wasn't my fault Martha Jones shot me in the face with a paintball gun at close range."

"Clara, calm down!"

"No! No, no, no. No I will not 'calm down'!"

"It must have all been a dream, a hallucination, your inner-most fantasies brought to life. Happens sometimes with coma patients. You're on the TARDIS, you're with me, alright? Clara?" he'd brought her to the kitchen, and was crouched on the floor in front of her, a little lower than her level, as she was sitting on the chair. "Clara. There are no others. There never were. It was all a dream, alright?"

"It wasn't a dream - how can you say that?! I remember everything! All of it! All the stupid things you did that just made me love you even more!"

"Things that made you _what_?" he spluttered. She didn't particularly feel like repeating herself, so instead she kissed him - hard and desperate, hoping maybe that would make him remember they were married and see sense. "Why did you kiss me?!"

"_Because I love you and we're married_!" she said.

"We're not married!"

"Yes, we are! _TWICE_!" she shouted, slapping him.

"Clara - you - I - we - _what_!?"

"Right, Captain Jack Harkness got everybody drunk and we got married in Vegas and woke up together, right?" he nodded, "Rose woke up and stole $200 million from a casino. The Tenth Doctor got a huge tattoo of Rose's face on his back. River was a hologram and she accidentally got some strobe-feature added, and you kept saying it wasn't funny. The Ponds stole a mobster's baby. Jack woke up with four other people. Donna had a hangover. Martha got covered in piercings. Mickey got a job as a stripper. We both had blackeyes. The Ninth Doctor woke up... well, smelly. That's all I can say about him..."

"You're saying... No, I don't even know what you're saying! It's ridiculous, Clara! None of this could possibly have happened, it doesn't even make sense!"

"There was a problem with the dimestabilisers, merging three TARDIS' together through all of time and space for three-hundred years, and dragging everyone inside! Tentoo showed up, and we managed to find Jenny - your daughter - on a planet stuck with vashta nerada!"

"_Vashta nerada_!?"

"Yes! I hacked all the TARDIS computers and made a hurricane in the kitchen because Rose kept saying we were dating and it was annoying - not that you helped our case by telling them we _were_ dating."

"Wait - we weren't dating, but we got married?"

"Yes! We didn't start going out properly until the next day! And we fell out over something really stupid on a honeymoon and I tried to kill you with a champagne flute, and then we made up, and...Well, I'm not going to describe that part..."

"You mean we..?"

"Uh-huh."

"In _your _dream!?"

"NO! IT WAS NOT A DREAM! IT CAN'T BE A DREAM!"

"Er, it'll... I'm sure it will all be alright..." he said, completely at a loss to everything and not knowing how to comfort Clara, who was suddenly kissing him wildly and declaring they were twice married and in love and that Rose was back along with the Ponds and everybody else.

"But it won't be alright! I've lost everything!"

"Everything? A few new friends isn't-"

"_It's not them I'm crying about, Doctor_!" she said, tears streaming down her face and making her mascara run tracks down her cheeks. "I'm crying about you! I've lost _you_! Although... wait... You're in love with me, aren't you?" she said, randomly becoming threatening.

"I - what?!"

"At our second wedding, you said you fell for me when we were in Victorian London! Some time then! HA!"

"Clara, that was a _dream_!"

"Answer me this - are you in love with me, Chin!?"

"I mean... well... urgh... pfft... erm..."

"Because I'm in love with you, and that dream was so bloody real even if it was a dream - which it wasn't - that won't even change, alright?!"

"Well... I suppose... If this is my last chance to say it-"

"It's not..."

"Shh," he said, "Clara Oswin Oswald..."


	97. What's Wrong With Clara?

_What's Wrong With Clara?_

Clara Oswin Oswald shot upright in her bed and stared out into the gloom, breathing heavily. She felt her face was wet, and then, she started to cry. She collapsed backwards onto the pillow, having no idea if she were in her own bed or if the one person she wanted to see in the whole world was by her side. The light flicked on.

"Wifey, what's wrong?" he asked. And those words melted over her like a wave, and suddenly she were crying from sadness and happiness at the exact same time, and she couldn't help but sit up and kiss him. A lot. Quite a lot, in fact. Minutes. Many minutes, on end. And his face was just as covered in tears as her own was by the time she sank onto his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around her in a hug.

"Don't ever do that to me again," she said. "I love you, so, so much. Please, don't do that again..."

"Do what?" he asked, baffled.

"I had a nightmare," she said, "a really, really awful one." She was still crying.

"About your mum?"

"No, about you," she said, nearly feeling guilty, but he kissed the top of her head and stroked her hair and she felt, in that moment, that as long as she were with him and they were together they were completely safe in the whole room. "I woke up, and everyone was gone, and you didn't remember..."

"What didn't I remember?"

"Everything. Everything from when they arrived," she said, "all about us, and the weddings, and everything..."

"Oh, Clara..." he cooed sadly.

"_No_!" she practically screamed, "don't call me 'Clara'. Don't _ever_ call me 'Clara' to me. Even if I'm dying, don't call me Clara."

"Don't worry, I promise to never call you Clara to you. You'll always be my wifey, and my Impossible Girl, maybe even my sweetheart, and even if somehow that does happen, you should know I was in love with you when I first saw you in Victorian London, I just only realised it when you fell from the cloud. Even if I don't say it, I'll love you, and you'll love me, because you're you."

"But you can't forget, because you're my clever boy. You're meant to run, and remember me. Always remember me."

"I always will, wifey. I always will..." he said, and little more was said as they fell back to sleep, and Clara did not dream that night.

**AN: Here you go, cutting to Rose again (please don't ask me questions about viewpoints, there are things being decided by higher-ups currently and it's all messy just bear with me for now, you'll have a **_**completely**_** fresh perspective soon enough, okay? Okay).**

Rose was sat in the TARDIS kitchen area of their hunting lodge with some delicious breakfast cooked by Nine, who, for some reason, had offered to cook for everybody. Not that any of the conscious ones were complaining. The conscious ones happened to be Nine, Rose, the Ponds, River, Martha, Jenny and Ten. Everyone else was still in bed or asleep.

"I am so glad that wedding is over," she said, "whouffle think they had it bad, but they really didn't."

"Yep. But I can't be bothered arguing," said Jenny.

"You two are the best of friends," Martha remarked on Rose and Jenny. She turned to Jenny. "Didn't you try and attack her?"

"Please, you can't talk when it comes to attacking people," Nine commented blandly, tossing an egg in a pan like it was a pizza. For a moment, Rose expected his leather jacket to be stained with orange, but he somehow managed to catch it in the pan the right way up. "Ruined a lot of clothes doing that trick before."

Then Eleven came into the room looking dishevled and none-too-happy.

"Where's wifey?" Rose asked, frowning.

"Wifey's in bed, she's sick," he said. "I'm just getting some tea."

"How'd she get sick? She's on the TARDIS," said Rose.

"Want me to take a look at her?" Martha offered.

"Alright. Clara's not sick, she had a very bad dream and she doesn't want to get up," said Eleven, sighing as he sorted out mugs. A nightmare? A nightmare so bad she couldn't get out of bed the next day?

"What was it about?" Rose asked, frowning. She'd be a weirdo if she didn't care at all about the person whose wedding she'd just spent days slaving over. Everyone looked concerned, even Nine, who'd not really seemed to care about whouffle particularly.

"She dreamed this," he waved his arm in a circle, "was all a dream. Dream within a dream, I suppose. Within a dream."

"Ooh, we should watch Inception today, I haven't seen it," said Amy. "I mean, sorry. Now's not the time."

"Right, well just don't mention it the next time you see her. The Doctor is in, and the Doctor prescribes bedrest and tea," he said, sweeping away from them with the two mugs. "Although if you're making breakfast, feel free to bring us some, you know. Not that you don't do a lot for us!" he saw a warning look from Rose, "I just think... Clara needs cheering up."

"Well I'm not cooking for you," said Nine.

"I'll do it," offered Martha, "make up for my behaviour even more. I'll wait until we've all eaten."

"Wait - should I tell her you've cooked it _after_ she eats it? She might think you've done something to it," Martha glared at him. "No..? Right, bye!" and he was gone.

"Hope she's alright," said Rose.

"Of course she's alright, she's got him," said Amy, "we'll just do what he says and not mention it, I think they deserve some privacy. For once. As another wedding present." But in the end they didn't need to give the newly-newlyweds any privacy, because Clara came marching down the corridor into the living room with wet hair and a fresh pair of clothes, although the clothers were pyjamas. Rose was also wearing fresh pyjamas for the day.

"Great minds think alike," remarked Rose. Others had either not gotten changed yet, or were dressed for a day out. Rose was going to fight for a day in though, she needed to relax with minimal stress or drama.

"What? Oh, suppose..." said Clara, realising what she was talking about before sitting down at the table.

"She's out of the room now, that means you have to cook her breakfast," Martha said to Nine. "Rather than me."

"What's going on?" Clara asked.

"Nothing, wifey! Everything's fine!" said Eleven. Rose stared at him with her brow crinkled.

"It's not a conspiracy, it's breakfast arrangements. Basically, he said you weren't coming out of bed all day and that we should make the pair of you breakfast. The Ninth Doctor was cooking breakfast for us lot out here anyway but he refused to make you breakfast but then Martha offered to do it but now you're out here he can do it," Rose explained.

"Go have a shower, Chin," Clara said after nodding. Eleven momentarily argued, but shuffled off back to his bedroom to have a wash. Clara just drank her tea in silence, until Jack burst out of the corridor triumphantly holding his vortex manipulator aloft.

"Look, it's fully charged!" but before anyone figured out what Jack's vortex manipulator being fully-charged meant, Oswin appeared. And Oswin was probably not going to bode well for Clara's mood, and Rose made a firm pact with herself at that moment to stay out of whatever ensued.

"Oh great, I'm back now, am I?" she said bitterly. "What's going on? How long was I away?"

"Jack..." Clara snarled like some sort of rabid animal. Rose and Jenny exchanged fearful looks. "Get rid of her. _Now_."

"Calm down, me," said Oswin.

"You're not me!"

"Er, but I am."

"_Er, but you're not_," mimicked Clara. She was unsurprisingly good at mimicking herself.

"Don't take that tone with me!"

"I'll take that tone with whoever I like, and you're at the top of the list!"

"You could try being more polite."

"Why should I!?"

"Well it's not my fault I exist, is it!?" and Oswin vanished.

"That is one hell of a teenage row," said Amy. Clara glared.

"Oh. She did that by herself. Guess she can reappear and disappear at will. I should try and put some restrictions on that, a range or something..." mumbled Jack, tapping a button of the manipulator before throwing it carelessly onto the kitchen table and getting an entire box of cereal out of the cupboard to eat dry and with his hands. "So what're you gonna do today?" he asked with a full mouth.

"Eurgh," said Rose, Amy, Martha and Clara together. Jenny didn't seem to understand Earthling table manners. That or she didn't care.

"Staying in, that's what," said Nine. "Everyone's tired."

"Whimps," said Jack, "I've done far worse, and then even worse the next day."

"What, like her?" Amy nodded at Jenny, who looked completely unpertubed and did not attack her like Clara would have, but Clara was in a very bad mood. "Why don't we just sit in here and do nothing all day?"

"Sounds good."

**AN: ****I'm so sorry! But Ethan was pretty upset about the death threats, so you know... Plus, this was such a good idea, I couldn't not use it, right (it was also his idea, so take it up with him. You guys know his tumblr. But no death threats)? And I'm sure I could have dragged it on for four of five chapters. One chapter of false-pain, that's nothing to what could have been if I had patience, which I don't really have. **For the record, Ethan (once again, _**his idea what I might have stole**_**) wanted me to actually make the entire 95 chapters of fic a dream and then start the whole thing over with different events. If I gave him free-run of the fic, it would probably kill you.**


	98. Not Your Usual Family Feud

**AN: And I have decided to stay with Rose for a couple of chapters, it's been all-about-Clara recently. Also, I haven't forgotten about the sass-off. It's still top in my list of requests, along with something confusing happening involving one of Clara's echoes (no points for guessing which one). And there's probably gonna be another update tonight, I hate having chapters written ahead. Normally I write them and upload them straight away, but I've been one ahead this whole time.**

_Not Your Usual Family Feud_

Once everyone was awake, they ended up gathered around the screen in their huge lodge room, channel surfing Earth TV in search of the worst possible film for them to laugh at.

Oswin and Clara's arguments had to be the funniest things Rose had ever seen and also the most annoying. Mostly because Clara could do nothing about Oswin, but Oswin was - **AN: To adopt a bit of Red Dwarf lingo** - soft light, so she couldn't do anything, either. So they were all empty threats, and the fact they were both the same person helped nobody. Even Jack got sick of Oswin randomly popping up with quips eventually and told her to go away. Clara seemed unphased by a lot of it though. Well, she was until Oswin managed to find her pressure point.

"So, this husband of ours-" Oswin began in the middle of a film (Rose had given up paying attention, the Oswald Twins - as Jack had so aptly named them - were far more entertaining than whatever film was on while they interstellar channel-surfed), while Eleven was not in the room.

"_Mine_," Clara corrected sharply.

"Right - this husband of mine. I was thinking if I altered the VM I could alter my clothes and pretend to be you," she said, "then I'd have an awful lot of fun."

"Oh, really? You would, would you?"

"Wait, you can alter the VM to remove - I mean, change, clothes?!" Jack exclaimed. Clara and Oswin both looked at him. Rose was glad Clara missed her counterpart wink and then vanish, only to flicker back on the sofa next to Clara, in Eleven's seat.

"Go away," said Clara.

"I was just thinking - keeping him to yourself is a bit selfish. Why not share?"

"Yeah, sweetheart," said Jack. Jenny kicked him in an unmentionable place.

"Right, you can't even eat food or do anything, what are you planning to do with him? Watch him?"

"There are many things I could do," said Oswin.

"No there aren't, _you can't touch anything_! Let alone my husband."

"Our husband."

"Er, I didn't see you marrying him twice."

"You were drunk, you probably don't remember."

"Stars! You'll try and sleep with anything, won't you?! There's such a thing as standards."

"Oh, there is? I hadn't seen you acknowledge standards yet, running off with the likes of him," said Oswin.

"What do you mean the likes of him? At least I can walk."

"What's that supposed to mean?" said Oswin, teleporting to her feet and pacing just to make a point. Rose kept glancing at the others to deduce if they were finding it just as entertaining as she was.

"Well, you're on wheels, aren't you? You roll."

"Take that back."

"Actually, you can't even roll because you're in chains."

"Take it back!"

"No, I won't take it back! Maybe I'll get some _eggs_ and make a souffle!"

"It's not funny, Oswald!"

"Yes it is... Oswald!"

"Rose, hit her for me!" Oswin demanded.

"Me? No way, I'm staying out of this one," she said.

"I hate you!" Clara yelled, standing up to meet Oswin at exactly the same level.

"I hate you more!"

"Yeah, but you can't do anything to me. I can smash up the VM, or use the sonic."

"You don't know how to use the sonic."

"Exactly, who knows how much damage I might do?"

"Shut up or I'll... I'll..."

"You'll what? Exterminate me?"

"I HATE YOU!" and she vanished.

"Back now, wifey. Oh... What's happened?" he saw Clara glaring angrily at no-one in particular.

"Oswald Twins going at it again," said Jack. Donna laughed coldy.

"You wish."

"Oh yeah, I do," he said. Jenny kicked him again.

"Give me your screwdriver," requested Clara idly, holding out her left hand while picking up the vortex manipulator with her right and glaring at it. It zapped her and she fumbled it, but managed to keep hold.

"What? Oh, right. Why?" he said, passing it to her. She sat back down and started messing around with it.

"Well, what should the rest of us do to bide our time?" Martha said, now the argument was over.

"Prank war," Rose said without thinking. There were mumbles of agreement from everyone except whouffle.

"No! No prank wars!" Clara objected.

"Sorry, sweetheart. You lose the vote. How're we gonna split up these teams then?" Jack asked.

"Seven girls, seven guys," said Rose, "eight if you count Oswin."

"Why wouldn't you count me?" Oswin reappeared, though she now had blonde hair. "By the way, your codes suck."

"We have the same codes," said Clara.

"Well that can't be true, cos mine are better," said Oswin.

"You're not counted because you can't touch anything," said Rose, butting in.

"No, you're not counted because you're a Dalek!"

"So are you!"

"No, I was, when I was you, but now I'm not, because I am me, and me is not you, because you are you and me from when I was you, and no longer am I you, you are still me though," said Clara.

"I... er... Racist!" Oswin the Genius had no idea what Clara had just said. Neither did any of the others by the looks of things.

"Uh! I am not racist!"

"Yes you, holding things against me just because I was turned into a Dalek which is entirely your fault."

"How is it?!"

"If you hadn't jumped into his time stream I wouldn't be here."

"No, neither would the entire universe. So what if you had to suffer a bit? You're not even a proper person, you're just an echo of one," said Clara, hitting a button to turn Oswin into a redhead, not that she cared.

"Oh, good comeback. Push a button? Maybe if you gave me the VM I could make myself attractive."

"Oh no she didn't!" Jack jumped in, Donna z-clicked next to him. Clara looked like she wanted to lash out, but clearly thought better of it.

"Nothing to say? Guess I win," said Oswin. Clara turned a dial and suddenly Oswin was huge. "OHMYGOD HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME FAT!"

"You started it! And what's wrong with being fat?"

"You're making me ugly!"

"Thought you were ugly anyway?"

"ALL RIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH!" Ten yelled, someone _finally_ stopping the row.

"Honestly, which one's a Capulet and which one's a Montague?" said Tentoo.

"'_Two households both alike in dignity_'," Jack started.

"Oh please don't, I've had enough Shakespeare," groaned Martha.

"'_Is this a dagger I see before me?_'" he said.

"That's Macbeth."

"Nu-uh," he said.

"Er, yes it is," Martha argued.

"Shut up, Jones. Or you'll be dead as a doorknob."

"That's Dickens," Nine said.

"Which one wins? I don't recall," Oswin said.

"Capulets win," said Clara.

"No, Montagues do."

"Nobody wins! It's Romeo & Juliet!" Eleven moaned.

"You'll be Juliet, he'll be Romeo. Then you can both die and put us out of our misery."

"Shouldn't you be Juliet, since you're already dead?" Clara argued.

"Alright, but he's still Romeo," she nodded at Eleven.

"Actually you should be Rosaline."

"He's still Romeo." They glared.

"Right. Wifey, put her back to normal," Eleven said. They argued briefly, but Eleven took the VM from her and put Oswin back on factory settings. "And you can stop arguing, or I'll make her hard light."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Jack snorted. Eleven gasped and stammered and pouted.

"Come on, wifey. We'll leave them to their prank war." And whouffle left the others to it.

"Right, so six on six?" Jack said. Nine groaned at his phrasing, but he was completely ignored.

"Six on seven," said Oswin. Rose picked up the VM, maybe keep it in the hands of someone sensible who wasn't Jack or Clara. She guessed Oswin would probably be pleasant if Clara wasn't there too. The Doctors got on fine, why couldn't the Oswalds? The only thing that could be worse was if they ended up back somewhere with Clara's father. Hopefully they wouldn't have a repeat of the earlier fiasco where he fainted and there was another row. Were all the Oswalds this argumentative?

"Right, well, we'll go opposite ways and wait an hour before pulling anything," said Nine.

"Sounds like a plan."


	99. Now That's What I Call Reality TV

**AN: Oooh triple update! Honestly, this fic is so wishy-washy (that's a thing people say, right?) because I go "that's a good idea" then I go "that would be a better idea" and "this is the best idea!" and I'm so bad at sticking to plans (cept with the wedding, I was very strict with the wedding plans) that it's just "Hold on tight, I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up" [that's two TFiOS references in author's notes in recent chapters]. But I think plans of prank war will have to be temporarily put on hold because of a parallel universe idea I had back in August and now is finally the right time to write it.**

_Now That's What I Call Reality TV_

They mooched through corridors the TARDIS had created for them to find a suitable hiding place, Rose with a strict no-linen-cupboards policy. This would be far too obvious for Jack, who was eventually going to declare himself leader of the boy's team. She knew him well enough to imagine him calling himself the Alpha Male or something ridiculous. The corridors were more or less identical, but at least without Clara the TARDIS was helping them. Oswin kept glaring at the vortex manipulator.

"Why do you keep looking at it?" Rose asked eventually, waving it in front of her face, but Oswin just glowed at the little thing.

"I want to tinker with it," she said, "but I can't, because I can't touch it. And- no offence - none of you are clever enough to work it properly."

"Charming. Just because you say no offence doesn't mean it's not offensive," grumbled Rose as somebody took the VM from her.

"I could do it," said River.

"What, you? How do you know how holograms work?" Oswin asked rudely.

"Well the pair of you are just as impolite," said Martha.

"I'm not impolite," said Oswin. "I asked a question."

"Because I am a hologram," answered River.

"Oh... I... Sorry," she said.

"I'll see if I can sort out getting you made solid or something, I can think of a few prank ideas," River said.

"So you're going to trick them into thinking I'm Clara?" she said, "well that won't work."

"Why not?"

"Look, the only one of them I could trick into thinking I was Clara is the Doctor," she said.

"...Why?" asked Donna.

"What do you mean 'why'? Are you stupid?"

"Wouldn't he be the most difficult to trick?"

"No, he's an idiot."

"He is," said Amy.

"I still don't understand."

"Well what am I gonna do with the rest of those blokes? Come onto them? Because that'll work, won't it? 'Oh Clara, what are you doing? Where's the Doctor? Why are you randomly trying to sleep with me?'. Trust me, unless you can find a Doctor clone - an _Eleventh_ Doctor clone - to go with it, it won't work."

"Teselecta," said River.

"Of course, the Teselecta!" said Amy.

"The what?" asked Rose.

"A robot built that looks exactly like him, I think it's in here somewhere," said River.

"Great! But now who're we gonna prank?"

"She's right, whouffle aren't part of this."

"We can prank them anyway, once this is all over. The others can help us," said Amy.

And then the ship started writhing about and jerking wildly and all of them - save Oswin, who defied gravity - fell into the left wall.

"This always happens on our day off!" Rose complained. "Can't we get one day of peace and quiet?!"

"Apparently not!" said River as everyone fell into the right wall as the ship veered again. "Better get back to the console room!"

So they ran and slid about and crashed into walls and one another, before crawling back into their lodge and dragging themselves up the stairs, where all the men and whouffle already were.

"Sorry! She's just doing that thing she does when we haven't let her drag us anywhere for a while!" Eleven said.

"Who, Clara?" said Oswin.

"No! Don't start!" Ten yelled before Clara could say anything. "Neither of you are allowed to say anything!" Thankfully, neither of them did.

"Right, well, that's all good but I think Clara's going to have something to say about our destination," said Eleven.

"Where are we going?" Rose asked for her.

"Oh, you know. Just Blackpool. On Saturday."

"Er, which Saturday..?" asked Rose, seeing Clara looked alarmed.

"Just... A Saturday."

"Which one?!" Amy demanded of him.

"Saturday the thirteenth! Thirteenth of July. 2013..."

"YOU MEAN THE SNOGBOX HAS BROUGHT US TO SEE MY FATHER?!" she yelled.

"You're still not talking," Ten said sternly to Oswin, "actually, could whoever has the vortex manipulator mute her? Just to be safe?"

"What?! That's no-" but Oswin stopped making sounds. Rose snorted, it was very entertaining watching her mouth and pout.

"Uh-oh," said Eleven.

"What?" asked Clara.

"This is bad. We've changed courses, same day, same year, just... Cardiff."

"No, no, no, no!" chanted Nine, hitting buttons.

"What's going on?!" asked Martha.

"Nothing!" said Ten, "well, a bit. I mean, sort of. Rose, you remember the first time we visited that parallel world and we had to stay there over night because the TARDIS died? And you remember when the TARDIS died the other week and we had to save her by putting artron energy into a kettle?"

"Yes..?"

"Well, right now we really could do with a kettle," he said, and at those words there was a huge explosion from the centre console and they were thrown about wildly.

"SOMEBODY GET ME A PHONE!" yelled Ten from somewhere, but Rose didn't have a phone on her, and she also couldn't see where he was. The entire room looked like a stop-frame animation in the flickering lights.

"Here!" it was Donna. And then there was a huge blue light and flashing and roaring and chaos and Rose tripped and tried to crawl to her feet in the mess, but it was all getting to much as explosions threatened to perforate her eardrums and rip her brain to shreds.

Then it stopped, and there was silence, and only a tiny, dim blue glow.

"So where are we? Blackpool or Cardiff?" said Rose.

"No idea," said Ten, "Cardiff last time I saw. Anyway, got some energy, we can recharge her if you lot want to take a look?"

Rose heard footsteps and someone opened the door and dim, blue light flooded in, and they walked out into...

"Is this the TARDIS?" Donna asked. Rose was next out, followed by everyone else at the confusion ensuing after the word 'TARDIS'.

"Oh my god it is," said Clara, peering out from the side of Eleven, whose hand she was now holding. Rose found Tentoo, who hastily checked she was alright as she stared around.

"It can't be," Ten rushed out with Nine. "But it's... it's... a dummy!"

"What?" asked Martha, frowning.

"It's not real," he said, "fake. Fake TARDIS. It's less than that, it's just some flashing lights. If I didn't know any better I'd say the materials were strictly Earthling."

"Doctor..." said Martha.

"How would Earthlings know what the TARDIS looks like?" said Eleven, "especially this one, only a few humans have been in there, most of them Clara to be perfectly honest."

"Two of them Clara," Clara corrected him.

"Doctor!" said Martha again.

"Poor workmanship, look at this flimsy switch!" Nine said, flipping a switch a bunch of times. "Rubbish!"

"DOCTOR!"

"What?!" said all three of them. Martha pointed up.

"Well..."

"Er..."

"Yowzah..."

The top of the room was missing, and there was a roof that was clearly that of a TV studio, not to mention the cameras everywhere.

"Why is the TARDIS a set?" Martha asked.

"Doctor, are you sure this is 2013?" Rose asked, glancing at the real TARDIS behind them.

"Not entirely..." answered Ten, walking out through the doors. "Oh, hello! You must be..?" he was speaking to someone they couldn't yet see. A lookalike of him burst through the doors.

"Great, now there's three of him," Rose grumbled.

"Can I have a moment just to comprehend this?" Jack said as three more people burst through the doors, three more people who looked exactly like Rose, Clara and the Eleventh Doctor.

"What the hell is going on?!" asked Tenthree.

"What do you mean, 'what the hell is going on'? We should be the ones asking you that. Why have you built the TARDIS!?"

"Built it shoddily if I might say," commented Nine.

"Is this a joke? It's not funny," said Rosetoo.

"Georgia, what's going on?" Tenthree asked Jenny.a

"Er... what?"

"Come on, how much money did these lookalikes cost?"

"I... don't know who you are..."

"Oh great, in-character, are we? You and John?" he nodded to Jack.

"There must be some mistake, I'm Captain Jack Harkness, and this is Jenny," said Jack. "There's fourteen of us-"

"Er, fifteen," said Oswin.

"Sorry, fifteen of us. Introductions and explanations take a while."

"Urgh. Three Claras now," groaned Martha.

"Well don't hurt yourself beating the new one up," said Donna.

"'New one'?" asked Clarathree.

"Yeah, she's already broken one of you."

"Oi, I'm not broken," said Clara.

"Sure about that?" asked Oswin.

"You're meant to be muted!"

"Can't mute me, I was pretending."

"I seriously hate you," said Clara.

"Alright, what's going on?" shouted Eleventhree, "Seriously, I bet Kazza's behind this. Look, there she is," he pointed at Amy.

"What? Who's Kazza?"

"Karen Gillan, you know, you."

"I'm Amy Williams," she said.

"Pond," grumbled Eleven.

"Shush," Clara elbowed him.

"Oh... That's what's happened!" said Eleven.

"What's happened?" Clara asked him.

"Well, wifey. We appear to have crossed into a parallel dimension. Again! Isn't it exciting? Way better than a wedding any day. In this dimension, I think..."

"Think what, Chin?"

"Well, I think our lives' are a TV show."


	100. A Long Clarafication

**AN: Whoo, chapter 100. And now, I am ending the fic on that cliffhanger goodbye my people. No, I'm totally kidding as you can tell due to the fact you can probably see the chapter below this Author's Note. I should **_**clara**_**fy (yes you can kill me for that), with explanatory difficulty, that the nightmare in 96 was actually a nightmare, okay? Okay. I'm not Stephen Moffat, despite what some of you have been saying. Oh, here is Clara's POV again. Our internet keeps screwing up by the way, so we're getting it fixed. The electrician or whatever is meant to be here in half an hour, so don't expect any updates until Thursday.**

_A Long Clarafication_

"So what do we do, Chin?" Clara asked.

"I don't know, I'm rubbish with parallel dimensions, wifey," said Eleven, shrugging.

"What's all this 'wifey' stuff?" Eleventoo asked, casting a glance to his apparent co-star.

"Oh, er," said Eleven, "I wonder just how much of our lives are part of this show here."

"I don't like this orchestrated feeling, like someone's writing all of our words and we have no control over what we're actually saying," said Clara.

"Don't be daft, wifey. I'm sure we'd know."

"Not if they didn't want us to."

"Right, you are seriously the most impolite person I've ever met," said Rose, "both of you, just shut up and pay bloody attention!"

"Sorry," muttered Clara.

"No, but, what's going on?" Clarathree asked.

"Parellel dimensions, wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey. If you don't believe us, just look in the TARDIS," Ten said, pushing open the door to the police box. The four actors and the very confused camera crew lurking about all peered through the doors, and did the typical 'It's bigger on the inside' thing Clara had seen happen so many times.

"Okay. So, now this all makes sense, where do you want to start with the storytelling?" Eleven said, sitting down and pulling Clara to the ground with him.

"We're gonna be here a while, aren't we..." muttered Martha, sitting down. Clara and Eleven ended up sat opposite Clarathree and Eleventoo. She wondered what their actual names were.

"Let's start with this 'wifey' thing," Clarathree asked.

"Yeah, I wanna know about that," added Eleventoo. Clara remained silent, waiting for someone to jump in and give her optimum embarrassment - just like they always did. Every time, right there with the Elevector and the Closwiwald and the champagne flute and the black eyes and Clara's father. But, for once, nobody did. Clara glanced, around, confused.

"...Well?" prompted Clarathree.

"I... er... Well, it's..." she spluttered. "Jack, would you like to explain? H&T?"

"We always explain. Do you know how many times we had to explain about you and your weddings and echoes and regenerations this weekend?"

"Sorry, weddings? Plural?" asked Eleventoo.

"Yes, two of them," said Clara. "Seriously? Rose? Jenny? Tentoo?"

"You're on your own with this one, Closwiwald," said Rose, sniggering.

"Right, well... First of all, it's entirely Rose's fault we got married in the first place because she decided she wanted to go to buy a transdimensional phone because she was very drunk, and our first wedding was entirely to cause a distraction and worked very well, apparently, because we managed to get away with two-hundred-million dollars and Jesus."

"It wasn't Jesus!" Amy yelled in anguish.

"No, it was worse than Jesus!" argued Eleven, "the son of Casper Ghost."

"I'm sorry - _Casper Ghost_?!" laughed Tenthree.

"Cruel parents, he went with the gimmick and named his establishment the Ectosino," said Eleven. "From what we gather - and from what we saw on the wedding video - we threatened them at gunpoint to marry us."

"Er... Yeah... When you're drunk, you don't happen to go a bit, I don't know..."

"Insufferable?" said Rose.

"Incorrigible?" said Martha.

"Annoying?" said Donna.

"Stupid?" said Amy.

"Yes. All those words and many more," said Clara.

"Um... No," said Clarathree.

"It's just you, Clars," said Oswin.

"Don't call me Clars."

"Very picky with names suddenly, aren't you, sweetheart?" said Jack.

"Wifey," said Jenny.

"Closwiwald," said Amy.

"Clars," said Rose.

"Clara-Wara," said Martha.

"You just made that one up now!"

"Calm down, Clary," said Mickey.

"Can we get back to this story?" Rosetoo asked.

"Yes. So, we woke up the next day and... Well that's not important, actually. So then we went to the Maitlands, and things happened, and then..."

"Oh, shut up, Coo," said Rose. "Right. I'll explain what happened. Those two woke up in bed together with faces covered in lipstick and each with a black eye and found out they'd gotten married in Vegas while drunk but they weren't 'together' together yet, right?"

"Even though it was obvious they were completely in love," Martha added.

"Yep, they were. So we got stranded at the Maitlands' - you know them, right?"

"Suppose..? said Clarathree.

"Right, good. We were stuck there all weekend, and he was all like 'hey wifey let's share a bed' and she was all 'okay husbandy'-"

"Rose, that's not what happened," said Clara.

"Nobody else was in that kitchen with you, we have no idea how the sleeping arrangements came about," said Rose, "enlighten us."

"You want to know what actually happened?" Clara said. They nodded. "Right. I was in there making tea for everyone because I'm a nice human-"

"Dalek," said Oswin.

"Shut up or I'll break your projector," Clara threatened, "so I was making tea, and he came in, and started talking about how I apparently always have to care for people-"

"You don't care about me," said Oswin.

"That's because you're a cow. And he was acting like there was another joke I wasn't part of-"

"She's the butt of a lot of jokes," assured Martha.

"But he was being awkward, and then Jack came in," she said, looking at Jack to continue.

"Me? Oh, right. So, I came in and I asked him 'did you ask her yet?'"

"So I said 'ask me what'? And he got really flummoxed."

"And I said 'ask if he could sleep in your room' - only there was a lot more innuendo involved in real life," Jack said.

"Yeah, then Jack left and it took me about an hour-"

"Minute," said Eleven, pouting.

"Like I said, half an hour, to get him to actually ask me if he could sleep upstairs. It was entirely his idea, and he was sleeping on an airbed, too," Clara said.

"Well that was surprisingly dull," said Rose. "So that night they secretly got together-"

"You have a gift for making things sound far worse than they actually are," muttered Clara.

"That's me, Rose Tyler, Queen of Exaggeration. So they secretly got together and they tried to hide it for a couple of days but it didn't really work, she ended up admitting it when we met Jenny on Trancha II."

"But there was all that business with Clara's father," said Martha.

"I'll explain this one," offered Clara, "Angie got possessed by the soul of the TARDIS and started making up things about us both, like we had a barbeque together or that he called up Mr Maitland to ask for my hand in marriage-"

"I didn't, just to clarafy," he said.

"Did you just say 'clarafy'?" asked Clara.

"What? No, wifey. You must be mishearing."

"Er, right... No, what you did was worse. He went and rang up my father and told him all about what had happened..." they went on for quite some time with the explanations of whouffle and their second wedding, and their honeymoon and meeting the in-laws. Nearly an hour of talking, and by the end of the retelling of their adventures they were hungry.

"There's a food van, you'll get recognised out there," said Clarathree.

"Recognised? What, really?" asked Donna.

"Very recognised, especially you, Catherine Tate."

"Who?"

"Nevermind," grumbled Tenthree. In the end, nobody cared about food. Because eventually, Jack, Rose and Clara stumbled across a computer.


	101. OsWiN rUeLz

01101111011100110111011101101001011011100010000001 1001100111010001110111

**Author's Note: Right, so, I'm new to this whole fanfiction-thing, especially fanfictions written about me - I appreciate the flattery in some of it, but a lot of it's plain weird. So excuse me if I don't quite understand you lot and your internet lives and your fics and your blogs and your OTPs. But could you think about stopping? First I get stuck in some weird dimension where my life is a TV show written by some crazy guy who you fandomers apparently believe is satan; and now I'm told that the rest of my life in the dimension has been written by a random person for a joke? Well, I'm sure none of you understand my pain. So I found this fic, and I read the whole thing and your reviews, and it turns out my suffering with the second wedding was all your fault online! And I don't know who this Ethan person is, but I assure you, I'll find him and the author who decided to write me that nightmare last night. Honestly, you'd think travelling with the Doctor would prepare you for anything and then this comes along. As he'd say, fantastic. As for shipping, don't you have your own lives? Better things to do than write a one-hundred chapter long fanfiction about me and my husband? Mickey could quite easily have been getting up to something far more interesting. I've spoken to the actors, yeah, they seem to like you as a fanbase, but they're actors, not real people. Wait, that didn't come out right. And Oswin's somehow controlling the keyboard and won't let me backspace. Brilliant. I hacked the fic to tell you this, and now it's getting really screwed up thanks to **THE GREATEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE.** Urgh, won't you go away?! **NOT WHILE YOU'RE STILL HERE TO EMBARRASS.** I'm sure I look like I'm talking to myself now, don't I? **YOU ARE.** Alright, get out, okay? Right. I think she's gone. I saved the document and restarted the **STILL HERE CLARS. CLARA. CLARA-WARA. CLOSWIWALD. WIFEY. CAPTAIN SOUFFLE. CLARY. SWEETHEART.** This is worse than the time you were stuck in my head! Oh, Jack told me to tell you you're all incredible, amazing people and something else I don't think is appropriate for something rated T. I also completely expect the author to delete this note one they find it, can't have me proving the existence of parallel worlds, can they? That wouldn't be good.** IT'S CALLED BEING CLEVER, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT.** I seriously hate you, Oswald, you know that? **YOU LOVE ME REALLY, EVERYONE DOES ;)** Alright, you are not allowed to put winky faces on **;););););););)** No, stop it you **;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P ;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P ;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P ;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P ;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P ;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;P;PI'M SORRY CLARA HAS ENCOUNTERED A PROBLEM AND NEEDS TO CLOSE. IN THE MEAN TIME, I, OSWIN OSWALD, SHALL ENTERTAIN YOU. SINCE SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO DELETE THIS (I SHOULD MENTION SHE IS CURRENTLY SUFFERING FROM REALLY BAD DIARRHOEA, AM I GLAD I'M A HOLOGRAM AND I CAN'T SMELL BECAUSE BETWEEN YOU AND ME THE GUSHING SOUND IS HORRIFIC) I AM HERE TO ASK YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO TO ANNOY CLARA, THERE ARE WAYS I CAN KEEP IN SECRET TOUCH USING A TRANSDIMENSIONAL PHONE AND DALEK CODES.** Can I mention, don't do that, and ignore her about the diarrhoea. Let's just not embarrass anyone because it's not very nice. IT'S FUNNY. No, Oswin, it's not funny! And I'm gonna break that phone as soon as we get back to the TARDIS. I do appreciate it not being told in a biased viewpoint, but how do I get boring? **YOU'RE QUITE A BORING PERSON.** You can't just switch me out with Rose! **I'D'VE STARTED WITH ROSE.** Ohmystars, just shut up! **NEVER**. Right. Stop inter **WHAT?** Never** DIDN'T CATCH THAT.** Can you people ask for something nice to happen, ever? I was reading about this prank war, and why do you want it? Oh, by the way Oswin, now I know all about your little plan with hard light holographics and the Teselecta ;) **YOU HYPOCRITE, YOU CAN'T TELL ME NOT TO USE EMOTICONS THEN USE THEM! AND FOR THE RECORD, IT WASN'T MY IDEA, IF YOU COULD READ YOU'D KNOW IT WAS ALL RIVER.** Yeah, yeah. What with you being a genius and everything I'd assumed eventually you would have thought of it. Maybe a cake being delivered to us all would be nice? An actual quiet day in? I am glad you stopped me getting punched in the face though. **COULD YOU MAKE ME SOLID? THEN I CAN PUNCH CLARA IN THE FACE. AND ALSO PRETEND TO BE HER. VERY FUNNY.** Isn't that identity theft? **NO, WE'RE THE SAME PERSON. WE'RE JUST ALSO NOT THE SAME PERSON.** Great.**

_Okay, so this is Rose now. Clara asked me to come talk to you all because she thought Oswin wouldn't interrupt me, although I'm not sure what I'm meant to be saying. She showed me these review-thingies though and how you all ask for fights, and a Donna-Nine sass-off? _TELL THEM ABOUT TUMBLR._ Oswin? _YES, THAT'S ME._ Okay, we searched this weird blogging website for saddos and found all these gif-sets BUT IT'S PRONOUNCED JIF. No it's not, it's spelt with a G. _DON'T ARGUE WITH ME, WHICH ONE OF US IS THE GENIUS HERE?_ What's that supposed to mean? _ONLY IF DALEKS FOUND YOU THEY WOULDN'T TURN YOU INTO ONE._ Well I don't want to be a Dalek... Anyway, all these gifsets. And me and Jack found a phone from one of the actors and he hacked it so we watched all of Clara's, er, episodes..? I don't know. But they were pretty hilarious, we get to learn about her life without her being biased about it, great! But I agree with her about nice stuff, would a ginormous birthday cake randomly appearing be too difficult, huh, Author-person? We're having to book a hotel. It's awful, a Premier Inn. We have those back home, the purple's awful. Or should I say it's a bit boisterous? LOL. These actors are apparently filming a fiftieth anniversary special for our show, called Doctor What or something, I don't know. All I know is they don't trust us enough to tell us what's happening. I'm just saying ask for nicer things, or maybe we'll go rogue. Anyway, have fun! We've at least planned a sleepover in this hotel (the Doctors couldn't be bothered booking more than two rooms -_- for fifteen of us, too. Ridiculous if you ask me, but I don't know. I guess I'll upload this before Clara can mess it around anymore..? There'll probably be another hacked thing tomorrow. Maybe in the meantime send us some questions..? Maybe you guys wanna know exactly what Martha thinks of Clara (I know I do), maybe how River is, maybe how Ten's doing (this fic made me feel so guilty), why this damn Author forgets Mickey so much? Anything, but I don't know how long it'll be before the author finds and deletes these. _I'M BUILDING SOME FIREWALLS TO STOP THEM, BUT I'M NOT USED TO THESE CODES SO IT'LL PROBABLY ONLY LAST A COUPLE OF DAYS._ Yeah, so that's how long you've got. A couple of days. What day is today? A Monday? Well, I guess it'll be Thursday or Friday or something. Then this'll be erased forever. _IF YOU'RE READING IT COUNT YOURSELVES LUCKY, PRIVILEGED, WHATEVER_. Well, we're getting a pizza now. Send us questions, I don't know. Is this even how these things work? If you don't send us questions you'll make Eleven cry. _AND CLARA. BOTH OF THEM REALLY. THEY'RE JUST AS BAD AS EACH OTHER._ Maybe they'll ask you why you're so mean to yourself. _CLARA._ You're literally the same person._

_Good-bye..? (Do you say good-bye on these things?)_

BYE FROM ME TOO, OSWIN, THE SEXY, TOTAL SCREAMING GENIUS.


	102. Questions

I AM OSWIN, I AM THE ONE TYPING AS THEY SPEAK BECAUSE I AM THE FASTEST AND THE GREATEST AND OBVIOUSLY THE MOST ATTRACTIVE, AND ALSO RIVER HAS FIXED THE VORTEX MANIPULATOR AND MADE ME HARD LIGHT.

Wifey: What are you typing?

ME: Nothing, just an author's note.

Wifey: Are you lying about what I'm saying?

ME: No, wifey, why would I do that?

Wifey: You of all people cannot call me wifey.

Jack: She of all people should be calling you wifey. *winks at me in secret-sexy-code shared by only the epitome of sexiness*

ME: *winks back*

Rose: Right, calm down. The first question we have is actually for Oswin -

ME: Because I'm the greatest.

Rose: Shush. They ask "Oswin, do you actually fancy Eleven? Or would you rather leave the doctor-smooching to Clara?"

Wifey: Yeah, I'd like to know that too.

ME: I am Oswin, and I ruel, and I am also the literal interpretation of pansexual.

Wifey: Oh my stars, you're not even.

Jack: Well, hey, the lady has spoken, has she not? So, Oswin, tell us about Nina?

Wifey: NO! NO NINA! You're banned, you'll actually sound like a pedophile.

ME: I'm pretty sure you and Nina - sorry, me and Nina, is a conversation far to explicit to be in a T rated fanfiction.

Wifey: Good.

Rose: Right... next question is just asking me if I like bananas.

Tentoo: Yes, of course Rose likes bananas. I wouldn't marry someone who didn't like bananas.

Rose: ...

Tentoo: Rose? Come on, tell them you like bananas. Everyone knows you do.

Rose: ...

Nine: Seriously? All this time and it turns out all along you don't like bananas?

Ten: Good thing we haven't been to any French parties then, isn't it?

Tentoo: How... How could you, Rose? How could you lie to me like that?!

Rose: I didn't know how to tell you! I'm so sorry! No, where are you going?! Come back! *runs after him in overly dramatic exit fashion, I can practically hear the swelling, heartbreaking music*

Martha: *kicks door shut*

Wifey: Right. I guess I'll take over then? *picks up Matt Smith's stolen phone* Okay... Well, that's a rubbish question, we'll just skip that, shall we?

Husbandy: What does it... Oh, oh! Definitely unimportant and terrible. Skip it.

Martha: What does it say?

Wifey: Nothing important. *unsuccessfully tries to evade Martha when she lunges for the phone*

Martha: *holds up phone triumphantly* So! Clara, you and him, are you ever gonna have kids? *all burst out laughing at Clara's misfortune because it is funny*

Wifey: Well, I, we, um...

Husbandy: It's hard to say, early days, the future...

Wifey: Yes, and... Responsibilities! Maitlands, can't just... abandon.

Husbandy: Also, biology! Incompatible. Completely.

Wifey: What, really?

Husbandy: *shrugs* *tries to whisper "go along with it" but because I am a genius I hear it*

Jenny: *looks over my shoulder* how does being a genius mean you can hear better?

ME: Did you know geniuses are part bat?

Ten: That's krillitane!

Wifey: Can we just forget that question? I mean, the answer is 100% a definitive maybe or maybe not.

Husbandy: Yes, that is the answer. Moving on? Please moving on? Moving on sounds good. Great, even. Wonderful!

ME: ROSE! WHOUFFLE ARE GONNA HAVE A KID!

Rose: *reappears with Tentoo in tow in seconds* What, really?

Wifey: RIGHT NEXT QUESTION IS FOR MICKEY! Mickey, how do you feel about always being forgotten?

Mickey: What? Who forgets me? *glares at Rose*

Rose: Oi, this is nothing to do with me.

ME: Yeah, the fic-author seems to forget you exist quite a lot.

Mickey: Well that's great, everyone just forgets Mickey, don't they? I'm the stupid tin-dog.

Ten: Hey! Leave K-9 alone! Better read the next question before he gets in a mood.

Mickey: Thanks. I hate being forgotten, by the way.

ME: Someone wants to know what other ship names we can think of, like whouffle. But for others, like Nine and Rose.

Nine: Nose.

Rose: Rine.

Nine: There, is that it?

Wifey: No, otherwise we'd just be Clocter or something. Think of something smart.

Husbandy: Ooh, I know. Stormwolf!

Rose: What? *frowns pointedly*

Husbandy: The Oncoming Storm and Bad Wolf, see?

ME: I'd call you a genius except I'm in the room. Anyway, what about Ten and Rose?

Rose: Do these all involve me?

ME: No, you're just first.

Ten: *grinning rather stupidly if you ask me* Smiler!

Rose: What..?

Ten: Smith and Tyler. Like John Smith, you know?

ME: Right, next one, Rose and Mickey.

Rose: Seriously, can we just have Rockey for that one? Please?

Mickey: Rockey sounds good to me.

Wifey: Alright, fine.

ME: So, Rose and Tentoo.

Rose: We already have this one, cos Mum got excited about Brangelina once. Rone, Rose and clone.

Tentoo: *in dark, sinister tone clearly hiding a thirst for vengeance* Jenny understands why I didn't like that.

ME: Aaanyway. Moving on, that's Rose sorted. Now it's Jack and... it just says everybody.

Jack: Well, that is one canon OTP.

Donna: I have no idea what you just said. Can you even have a name for that?

Jack: Awesome sauce, that's the ship name. Awesome sauce.

Donna: Right...

ME: Amy and Rory.

Husbandy: Ponds, the Ponds, that's what they're called. Why is there any debate for this?

ME: Lose. You know, the Nose and the Legs.

Amy: Where did all this Legs business come from?

Wifey: Nowhere. Definitely not something to do with me having a conversation with the TARDIS once when she hid my bedroom. Which reminds me, why did you *Wifey glares at Husbandy, I think perhaps a break up is still too much to hope for, however* not come back to the TARDIS for weeks on end? Do you know how many Claras there were there?

ME: You're so bad at sarcasm.

Wifey: You're so bad at everything.

ME: Clearly not, I have many things planned for the future that you'll never guess. Because you're not a genius.

Wifey: You're going to hijack the TARDIS and take us to my dad's, aren't you?

ME: No... *lies, easily confusing Clara* But now you mention it -

Jack: What's the next ship-question-thing? Come on, the Oswald Twins were funny at the beginning, but now they're just getting old.

ME: Oh, er, sorry. Eleven and River.

River: Greatness.

Wifey: Greatness?

River: As the greatest ship here, I think yes. Because according to the running of this television show, myself and the Doctor are 'canon', as they say.

Wifey: We all know the definitive version of events is ours, so we're just as canon as each other.

Jack: What about you, darling? What do you think of all this?

Husbandy: Me? Oh, I... Nothing to do with me, is it? I mean, I'm barely anything to do with it.

Wifey: You're everything to do with it.

River: You decide the name then, sweetie.

Husbandy: Well, I suppose since you call me sweetie and I call you dear, dearie.

Wifey: *looks at him like he's stupid which he is but still* Are you actually an old woman? Nobody says dearie.

River: Swear is so much better.

Husbandy: Alright, fine, swear. *Quite clearly Husbandy doesn't approve of this name but has no motivation to fight for the pathetic name that is 'dearie'*

ME: Last is Jack and Jenny.

Jack: J..enny... No, that doesn't make sense...

Jenny: J...ack..?

Rose: *sighs exasperatedly* Janny or Jeck.

Jenny: I like Janny best, to be honest.

Jack: Course you do. Anyway, the lady has spoken. Janny it is. Can we move on yet?

ME: "Have any of you watched Sherlock?"

*RAUCOUS BABBLE OF NOISE I CAN'T COPE WITH UNLESS IT'S CLASSICAL MUSIC. JUST TO CLARIFY, YES WE HAVE WATCHED SHERLOCK DUE TO JACK AND SOME ILLEGAL DOINGS*

Jack: BUT THE REICHENBACK FALL! *sobs intensely*

Jenny: It'll be alright...

[HAD TO TAKE A BREAK THERE, EMOTIONS WERE RUNNING TOO HIGH. SORRY. JACK WENT DVD SHOPPING USING PSYCHIC PAPER AND BOUGHT ALL OF SHERLOCK AND ALL OF DOCTOR WHO, OUR VERY OWN SHOW. WE'VE BEEN CATCHING UP ON EACH OTHER'S LIVES]

Wifey: Do we have to do the next one? We already saw enough Nine gifsets.

Tentoo: Which nine gifsets?

Rose: There, there... *pats back comfortingly*

ME: You're right though, we did see all of them.

Wifey: Oh my stars, you agree with me. Did you get that down in the transcript?

Martha: Very 1969 with this transcript stuff.

Ten: *laughs and points*

ME: Quiet, you, or I'll put you're name on here to something worse than 'Wifey'.

Wifey: *Gets up and walks over to look at the laptop screen* Why are you called 'me' in capitals?

ME: BECAUSE THEY UNDERSTAND, WIFEY.

Wifey: Now you're going to confuse people as to whether you shouted or not.

ME: NO I WON'T.

Wifey: I bet you've been lying, too. Whatever *bounds annoyingly back to her husband out of view of the screen so she cannot see what I've typed*

ME: Alright, apparently we have to listen to Time Lord rock.

Husbandy: No, we have me, we don't need any Time Lord rock.

ME: Oh you're not still gonna write her a love song, are you? Please don't.

Wifey: I think it's sweet. *they stare sickeningly into each other's eyes*

ME: *For revenge purposes only:* So Jack, you have a girlfriend and a boyfriend, how about a hard light holog - 0110010101110010011100100110111101110010

_Oswin has encountered a problem known as Dr Pepper on her VM and needs to close. The Doctor has presribed antibiotics. She has also broken the backspace key._

Rose: How do you close up these things? Just end them?

Martha: That's what the author was doing before, like chapters in a book. Maybe say a message? Like where we are, what's happening?

Rose: Well currently, we're divided into two rooms of a Premier Inn we didn't actually pay for, and Jack stole Matt Smith's phone. River fixed Oswin using the Rift and made her solid, but she's... sleeping right now. And we're stuck here until Thursday morning, so we're going to be catching up on our show. I don't think Oswin's going to be talking to anyone online any time soon, so I guess I'll be here instead..? Am I anywhere near as interesting as the so-called Dalek-genius?

Jenny: Slow down a bit, I don't type as fast as Oswin.

Rose: Sorry.

Jenny: Yeah, and adding punctuation is a pain.

Rose: Go through afterwards. Bye, you guys..? One last chapter tomorrow night, maybe, before the author gets back from wherever?


	103. FINALE

**FINALE**

Rose: Alright, we're back with these questions. Now Jenny is typing after we read Oswin's comments -

Oswin: Genius comments.

Clara: Shut up.

Oswin: You first.

* * *

_-THE ENSUING ARGUMENT HAS BEEN STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD-_

* * *

Rose: Not many of you were asking anything, and there's a lot of you, so what's that about? Anyway, we'll answer the questions we actually got.

Martha: Rose, first question's for you.

Rose: ...It is?

Martha: Yep. Did you and the Ninth Doctor ever fancy each other?

Ten: Yes.

Tentoo: Yes.

Eleven: Yes.

Nine: No.

Rose: No.

Martha: That was so unhelpful.

Rose: Well, I mean, a bit... But I did marry the clone of his future self, and you have to be a bit fond of a person to marry an echo of them, right?

Oswin: I'm an echo of Clara, and he's a bit more than "fond" of his wifey, so- *muted by a certain angry wifey*

Clara: Moving on?

Rose: Yes, moving very swiftly on.

Martha: Here we've got some good, unspecified questions everybody can answer.

Oswin: Is the question "what do you think of whouffle?"

Clara: I thought I muted you!

Oswin: How many times, Clars, you can't mute me!

Rose: When we found out they were actually together or just the first time we realised there was something going on?

Oswin: The first one.

Clara: Wait, we're not actually doing this, are we?

Rose: So I found out whouffle were together-

Jack: Canon.

Rose: I'm not gonna start talking like a blogger. So I found out when I was sat up in Clara's room because of the Cult and they just made out in front of me for about fifteen minutes.

Clara: No way was it that long!

Jack: But you admit the up-the-stairs walky-walky kissy-kissy?

Rose: I already told Jack.

Clara: Yes, I can see that.

Donna: Sorry, what's this stair thing?

Clara: Nevermind. Fifteen minutes sounds about right.

Rose: Good. So that was when I found out, and my first thought was "GET A ROOM!", but then I realised they were sort of in her bedroom, so I thought "I should break this up now before it escalates", and then my third thought was "should I tell them about all the lipstick? Nah".

Clara: What?! Is that how everyone knew?!

Rose: Er, yeah.

Martha: I was the second person to find out, wasn't I?

Clara: Yes. *through gritted teeth*.

Martha: I found out when they made out in front of me.

Oswin: That's sooo discreet.

Jack: When I officially found out, I thought "they make such a cute couple".

Jenny: I'd bet money that was not your first thought.

Jack: No, you don't wanna know my first thought. But it's true though, you two are a pretty cute couple.

Rory: Yeah, you're just incessantly annoying at the same time.

Eleven: You are such a hypocrite!

Nine: Everyone either thought "about time" or "awwwwww", does that answer your question? Now, anything important to ask us?

Martha: Alright, fine. Suppose someone fixed the chameleon circuit, what would you want to outside of the TARDIS to be?

Ten: A poli-

Martha: And you're not allowed to say police box.

Ten: Just an ordinary red telephone box.

Nine: A letterbox.

Eleven: One of those big cardboard boxes from a fridge or a dishwasher.

Martha: It doesn't have to be a box. What if it was an ambulance?

Rose: A linen cupboard that implants itself in the nearest wall.

Clara: Obviously make it look like a snogging booth.

Eleven: Will you please drop this snogbox thing?!

Clara: Why, isn't it true now?

Eleven: I... Well... Pfft... Just... Argh... Muh...

Oswin: Stop flirting, you two, I think I'll make it into an iron maiden to lock you both in.

Clara: *dreamy glazed look* That would be se- I mean awful. It would definitely be awful to be trapped in a tiny space with him.

Rose: You are just not right.

Clara: I said it would be awful!

Rose: You know those things are full of spikes?!

Clara:...Are they? Oh. Well, awful. It would suck then.

Jack: I can't really tell you what I'm thinking.

Amy: It'd be funny if it was a photo booth.

Jenny: I think you should make it look all spacey, like a proper spaceship. Maybe have it glow.

Donna: It should definitely look like POD from Snog, Marry, Avoid?, then you'd get loads of random people covered in fake tan and no clothes inside.

Jack: Sounds like a plan.

Oswin: I second that. Maybe we can go up north, and visit Nina?

Martha: I'm so sick of this Nina business! Let's have a vote to settle it, who votes we should all stop talking about this Nina?! *Rose, Clara, myself, River and (after a jab from his wife) Eleven raise their hands*

Jack: So, when are we gonna meet Nina?

Martha: In a bit, when we get back on the TARDIS this afternoon.

Eleven: Ooh, can we pop in and see your father?

Clara:...What, with her? "Hi dad, this is a girl who looks like me and acts like me, but is a complete w***e?" Wait, am I allowed to say that?

Jenny: I don't know, but I censored it anyway.

Oswin: I am no more of a w***e than you.

Jenny: Alright, everyone be quiet. Clara, you lost the vote, I'm sorry. Now, Mickey, what would you have the TARDIS turn into?

Mickey: What, me? Er, a car.

Ten: A car?

Mickey: Yeah.

Nine: Really, a car?

Mickey: Why, what's wrong with a car? Better than a letterbox.

Rory: My turn now, shut up. It'd be really cool if it was one of those giant happy meal boxes from McDonald's adverts.

Amy: You don't even like McDonald's!

Rory: I know that, but it would be cool.

River: Me last?

Martha: Guess so.

River: A TARDIS, make it look how it's supposed to.

Ten: That's almost as boring as Mickey's car! Well, Mickey in general is quite boring, I suppose.

Oswin: Er, hey Clary?

Clara: No, leave me alone.

Oswin: I really think you need to see this. *Stares wide-eyed at Matt Smith's stolen phone screen*

Clara: What? If this is something to do with Nina, I'll... I'll...

Oswin: You'd better think of a threat quickly because you're gonna need to carry it out.

Jack: Say you'll - *SOMETHING FAR TOO INAPPROPRIATELY PHRASED FOR HIS GIRLFRIEND TO ALLOW HIM TO SAY* - her.

Oswald Twins: NO!

Jack: Just a suggestion.

Clara: Right, fine what is this thi... OH MY STARS. *Raises hand for the attack"

Oswin: No, don't hit me! I just - OW!

* * *

_-THE ENSUING CAT FIGHT HAS BEEN STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD, BUT I DULY NOTE CLARA'S FACE IS BLEEDING FROM OSWIN'S APPARENTLY DEADLY MANICURE-_

* * *

Eleven: Right, have you both calmed down now?!

Oswin: I'm not the one who started it, I just showed her something and she blamed me!

Clara: Because it was probably all you!

Oswin: Yeah, because you've definitely seen me drawing fanart of you and Nina all week.

Jack: Whoa, THAT'S what happened?! Where'd that phone go?! *Oswin lifts phone and somehow sends a charge of electricity through it, making it explode* Spoilsport.

Clara: Who gave the psychopath super powers?!

Oswin: Being a genius, there are ways to use powers like that if you master them. And I'm not a psychopath, you're a psychopath.

* * *

_-I'M GETTING REALLY SICK OF STRIKING THEIR FIGHTS FROM THE RECORD. CLARA NOW ALSO HAS A BLACK EYE (AGAIN) AND OSWIN IS UNSCATHED SINCE SHE IS A HOLOGRAM AND CAN MAKE HERSELF INTANGIBLE AT WILL (I THINK RIVER IS A BIT JEALOUS SHE HASN'T MASTERED HOLOGRAM SUPERPOWERS YET. TO GIVE SOME PERSPECTIVE, ELEVEN AND ROSE ARE TRYING TO RESTRAIN CLARA WHILE THE PONDS AND MARTHA ARE WAITING TO GRAB OSWIN IF ANYTHING MORE HAPPENS-_

* * *

Jenny: Next question. What's your favourite place in all of time and space? Do this one quick fire and please don't fight again.

Rose: Well you answer first.

Jenny: Alright, my favourite place is... err... Messaline, because it's where I was born and where I met the Doctor. Well, dad.

Rose: My favourite place is Woman Wept.

Nine: Good choice, my favourite place is the banana plantain where the sonic factory used to be.

Ten: I was gonna say that!

Nine: Touch luck.

Tentoo: *somberly* My favourite place is Bad Wolf Bay, because it's where I found out I could spend the rest of my life with Rose Tyler.

River: My favourite place is Darillium *even more somberly than Tentoo, sharing a super meaningful look with Eleven*

Martha: Well... My favourite place is London, gonna be boring.

Jack: Well, Martha, my favourite place is Cardiff, so we're equally boring.

Ten: My favourite place is the Medusa Cascade, because it was there - for just a moment - that I was the happiest I'd ever been.

Donna: Well, if it wasn't for whatever attacked you, I suppose my favourite place would be Midnight.

Ten: What, really?

Donna: The spa was to die for.

Ten: I almost did die!

Donna: You always almost die.

Mickey: My favourite place is the parallel world we crashed in, Pete's World, not this one.

Rory: My favourite place is Earth, too.

Clara: My favourite place is Victorian England.

Eleven: What, why? You died there.

Clara: I'll tell you later, Chin.

Oswin: Brilliant, be quiet. My favourite place is on board the Starship Alaska, because we saw so many amazing places on board if I picked the ship I'd be able to see everything.

Amy: That's...

Oswin: Genius? Yeah, I know.

Amy: Does that mean I can say my favourite place is the TARDIS? Because it is.

Eleven: Alright, I suppose. My favourite place is Akhaten.

Clara: Why?

Eleven: I'll tell you later, wifey.

Jenny: You two, calm down. Final question... Oh, this might get some emotions running high. If you could relive any moment of your life what would it be? First, mine would be when I first died, so I could tell the Doctor to wait for me to regenerate.

Rose: I'd want to relive the last time I spoke to the Tenth Doctor before we went through the void, and tell him... Well, you know. Stuff.

Ten: I'd want to relive the first time on Bad Wolf Bay so I could tell Rose stuff, too.

Eleven: I'd relive Manhattan so I could stop Rory reading his own gravestone.

River: To be honest, I'd relive Darillium.

Tentoo: I would relive the day I proposed to Rose, to actually say the words and do it right this time.

Rose: *laughs*

Amy: I'd relive the time I kissed the Doctor, to stop myself doing it and to stop doubting Rory.

Rory: I'd relive Apalapucha, and push the right buttons first.

Mickey: I'd stop myself dating Trisha Delaney and hurting her when it ended.

Martha: I'd stop myself wasting so much time on the Doctor, and also a bit getting us stuck in Wester Drumlins.

Clara: Wait, you've all started saying things you want to change, no things you want to relive. I'd relive Akhaten because it was the first time I saw something awesome.

Oswin: I'd relive the Dalek Asylum before I knew the truth but after the Doctor arrived.

Jack: What, my turn? I'd quite like to relive the two years' of memories the Time Agency took off me to get them back.

Nine: I'd relive letting Jabe die on Platform One and stop that happening.

Donna: I'd want to relive being a metacrisis before I burned and had to forget.

Jenny: That's everyone, isn't it? That's what I call ending on a high note. *I receive glares from everyone in the room for my bad joke* Sorry...

* * *

_Authors' Note: Oh behalf of Oswin, we sincerely apologise for her behaviour and regret to inform you all we now need to leave before the real author gets back and before the authorities catch up with us. We hope you enjoyed our company, and also not knowing every little detail of everything we're doing this Thursday afternoon._

_Faithfully, Rose Tyler, Martha Jones, Donna Noble, Amy Pond, Clara Oswald, Oswin Oswald, River Song, Rory Williams, Mickey Smith, Captain Jack Harkness, Tentoo, Nine, Ten, Eleven and Jenny._


	104. Helluva Cat Fight

_Helluva Cat Fight_

Clara threw herself down onto the sofa. Thankfully, this time there wasn't any video of her drunk to watch and keep her up late. And she was not going to let anyone sit on her sofa, even though it was about twice her height.

"Can I sit down, wifey?" cooed Eleven.

"No, go away," she muttered, face buried in cushion.

"Ooooh, someone's in trouble," said Jack snidely, from the other side of the room.

"Leave them alone," ordered Jenny.

"What's wrong?" Eleven asked her, ignoring them both.

"_What's wrong_? You have no idea what's wrong with me?"

"It's because of Oswin and Nina, isn't it?" She tried to nod, but to him she presumed it looked more like cold silence since she was lying on her side looking the other way. Then it struck her he might not even be looking at her head.

"Eyes front," she mumbled.

"Well... I... Sorry..." he spluttered. She couldn't help but laugh at him.

"Do we have any of that medicine the hospital gave me the last time I hurt my eye?"

"I don't know, probably," he said. She turned her head to look at him.

"You're properly useless. Why am I actually married to you? I don't even have my drunk excuse any more, do I?"

"No, you don't. Come check the medibay with me, see if there's anything to help your face," he said, taking her hand in an effort to pull her to her feet. Of course he was easily strong enough just to pick her up and carry her, but he didn't.

"Noooo," she whined, kicking her feet like a toddler having a tantrum.

"'Whole days in bed cawing 'noooo' at the wall'," Jack quoted.

"Is that Carol Ann Duffy?" asked Martha, disbelieving.

"Yep," he affirmed proudly.

"I'm sure Clara's nothing like Havisham, for a start she's married. Twice. And she's not mental," said Martha.

"Yes she is," Clara heard comments about herself coming from more or less her mouth in her voice.

"Shut up, Ozzy," said Clara, glad she'd finally thought of something to call her least favourite echo.

"Oh, don't even go there," growled Oswin.

"Winny better?"

"_Shut up_."

"Definitely Winny."

"We're leaving now before she scratches up your face again," stated Eleven, and in a split second Clara was hauled onto his shoulder in a fireman's lift.

"Hey! What're you doing?!"

"I'll put you down in a minute," he said. She glared at his back and crossed her arms.

"Don't you dare drop me."

"I wouldn't dream of it, Impossible Girl."

"You only call me that when you're worried about me," she said, remembering something Amy had once said regarding him calling her 'Amelia'.

"Excuse me for being worried about the girl I'm in love with when her evil twin scratches her face to Skaro and back," he said, she could practically hear his grin, but she couldn't help but smile at his behind, she always did when he called her the girl he loved, and also when he called Oswin her evil twin.

"I hope you're watching where you're going, as I already said, _eyes front_."

"They are definitely front, sweetheart."

"Well mine definitely aren't, darling."

"Stop it!"

"No! I have marriage privileges, being your wife. And that's not just a statement anymore because we're properly married, it has meaning," she argued, and just for that he pulled her further up his shoulder. "I hate you."

"That's nice, darling."

"Hey, you're doing it wrong."

"No, I'm not."

"If you say so, sweetheart." Finally, he plonked her back on her feet. He was smiling, but his eyes were full of concern when he looked over her face.

"Yowzah," he said.

"Don't 'yowzah' my face! You're not allowed to do that, you're my husband! Your job is to say I'm always beautiful no matter what I - Oh my stars," she found a mirror finally and caught a glimpse of her unfortunate face. As opposed to what was customary, her right eye was the blue, bruised one. But now, across the whole right of her face there were four, angry, red, weeping cuts swelling it up to twice what it was. One of them spanned down over her lips, so now it was difficult to talk and also painful to blink.

"Doctor, be honest," she said, warranting the situation dire enough to use his name, "Am I going to be scarred?"

"Yes. Unless-"

"Unless I let you waste a couple of years of your life fixing my face?" Clara said. She barely recognised herself.

"Er, yes. Or you want to go for illegal surgery in the future?"

"I'd rather not. How many years?"

"Just five. Five measly years, what's that to a Time Lord?"

"What if you were injured and I could heal you by using some of my life?"

"Well, Impossible Girl, if you recall, you did do that and I was not overly thrilled." She laughed at him.

"Can you find any medicine in here?"

"Well, probably. I can get it healed up in a few days, there'll just be scars."

"How the hell did she cut me so bad? With her fingernails!"

"Oh, I don't know, wifey. Maybe she burned you as well with electricity or something? Definitely looks burned."

"My dad really cannot see me like this."

"Well, if you're so bothered, there is one person who can stand in for you."

"I've changed my mind, my dad really can see me like this. I'm not having holo-cow out there pretend to be me."

"Wifey, you're the same person."

"If you ever say that again you're sleeping in the hall for a week."

"Duly noted, thanks for the warning."

* * *

It was fifteen minutes of Clara stopping her husband pour disinfectant on her face before Martha finally decided to check what was happening.

"What's he done to you?" she sighed.

"Nothing, yet. I've been avoiding him."

"That's a first," muttered Martha. "Come on, a proper doctor will help you. If you get these cleaned and stitched-"

"Stitched?!"

"Sorry, yes, stitched. If we stitch them there'll be barely any scaring, but the fact the marks are burned doesn't help, it just means it's sterile. Best put disinfectant on it anyway. Doctor, go get Rory," she said, going to find a cotton wool pad and some burn ointment. Eleven hurried away.

"You're not scared of needles, are you?"

"Er, actually, I sort of am..."

"Right, so do you want a few injections on your face - not actually that painful - or would you rather feel the stitches?"

"Can I pick neither?"

"Do you want me to wait for husbandy to get back?"

"Don't you need to wait for Rory?"

"Don't need him just yet."

"You have terrible bedside manners."

"Would you rather have me - the only proper, qualified doctor - do it, or one of the other doctors?"

Clara did not have fun getting injections or getting stitches down her face or whatever else they did to her, and she especially hated having no feeling in the whole left side of her face. But the worst part was that Martha had banned her from kissing for three entire days.

"Want to know why I said Akhaten was my favourite place?" Eleven asked. He was stood against the doorframe of the open bathroom observing Clara. She'd just pitifully attempted to brush her teeth with a numb face, and had moved on to trying to take painkillers, which was just as difficult. But he hadn't laughed at her, merely smiled fondly at her perseverance. She gave him a thumbs up.

"Well I don't know, I might have to wait three days..." he said coyly. She managed to take the tablets, and turned to look at him while leaning on the sink, raising her eyebrows. "Alright, fine. I'll tell you." She crossed her arms and looked at him expectantly. "I picked Akhaten as my favourite place," he took both of her hands in his own, bending down to her level, and she was fighting not to smile and pull her stitches while they were fresh. "Because..." he was really dragging this out, wasn't he? "When I saw your face when you first saw it, I wasn't looking at the Old God, I was looking at you. And I thought, 'that is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen'." She threw her arms around him in a hug and he lifted her off her feet. "Now, while you're still numb, why did you pick Victorian England?"

"Because, Chin," she mumbled, "you pretended we were married without telling me, and it was then I decided I fancied you."

"Aw, just fancied? So, when did you realise you were head-over-heels in love with me?" he said, throwing himself onto the bed. He missed and almost slipped onto the floor, and Clara laughed, then winced.

"You've gotten more confident."

"What's the answer and I won't wake you up in the morning, and I'll pretend to be asleep for a bit after you wake up."

"Well... That's a hard offer to resist... Alright," she sat next to him. "It was when we had to fight the Master, and the echoes were all trying to convince me I loved you. It worked, they managed it."

"Well, Oswin's good for something."


	105. Accidentally Broke The Enigma Code

_Accidentally Broke The Enigma Code_

Once again, Clara's waking thought was how much she loved waking up naturally, and her second thought was about how comfy the Eleventh Doctor was to lie on.

"How long are you gonna pretend to be asleep for?" she asked him.

"Oh, I don't know. How long do you want me to sleep for?"

"About until something happens to wake us up, like it usually does," she said. "You know, the reason we want alone time is totally unconventional."

"Why's that, wifey?"

"Because I want to be alone with you so nobody attacks me," she said bitterly.

"Aw, don't think like that," he told her, "it's bad to think so negatively. Besides, that can't be the _only _reason you want to be alone with yours truly."

"I'm such a bad influence on you. By the way, you're rubbish at pretending to be asleep."

"I..! You..! Hrmph," he grumbled, and she laughed at him. "Maybe I'll pour your tea away then."

"Tea? What tea?"

"The tea I made when I snuck out ten minutes ago, it's on the side for when you decided I can stop pretending to be asleep."

"Oh, that's what you're doing," she said.

Eventually, mostly because her face was hurting and she wanted to take painkillers, she had to get up.

It was nine o'clock by the time she went into the kitchen, and as usual she wasn't first or last.

"Come here, let me check those stitches," said Martha. Rory, being naturally interested in the horrific state of his step-daughter-in-law's face, ambled over. "They look good."

"Good?" she said.

"As stitches go. We can take them out in a few days. They haven't pulled and they don't look infected. You better not have been kissing him though, you could get sick from getting Time Lord spit in your wound."

"It's not like he licks my face!" she argued.

"Are you sure? You have _seen_ yourself drunk?"

"Yes, and at no point did he randomly lick my face. He's not a dog."

"I can hear everything you're saying," said Eleven, watching from the other end of the table.

"Well good, you can vouch for yourself. Do you remember ever licking my face?" she asked.

"Erm... No. No, I don't recall if I have," he said thoughtfully.

"See? I told you," she carefully slurped tea and Martha kept studying her face. Then Oswin popped up into the room with her stupid technological super-powers.

"Morning, wi-oh..." she glimpsed Clara's face with the angry expression and the angry red cuts and the angry blue splodge encompassing her eye.

"What's the matter, can't live up to the consequences of your actions, Winny?" she said, smiling darkly with no humour present, only a streak of vengeance.

"I, um... I'm... I..."

"You're what?" Clara prompted, hoping for the pleasure of an apology.

"I'm... Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So, Nina? Dave?"

"Who's Dave?" asked Eleven, frowning. Oswin laughed.

"Oh my god, you're married to him and he doesn't even know your father's name?"

"Err..."

"Cl - Sorry, wifey. Why did you never tell me your father's name?!"

"I... you... I don't know, did you ever ask?"

"Well, no..."

"So why would I tell you?"

"I just thought..."

"This is just like the honeymoon," said Rose blandly, prodding a sausage with a fork.

"Sorry," said Clara, going to walk around the table to sit next to him, "my father's name is Dave. My mother's name was Ellie."

"I know, I was at the funeral," he admitted. Although Clara obviously knew, from his time stream and her own memories (they had yet to reach her series in Jack's many boxsets, but she was sure that part of her life would be there), his almost un-needed admission was quite good.

"I know, so was I."

"I can't tell if that's really cute, or really freaky," said Rose. "Did you stalk her or something."

"Yes," Clara answered for him.

"You were confusing me!" Rose laughed at him.

"A girl confused you, so you watched her whole life?"

"Well no, not her _whole_ life."

"No, her mother's funeral? You certainly cherry-picked the best bits." Clara jumped suddenly as Oswin popped up by her side to comment, but rather than look at the person she was speaking to she was squinting furtively at Clara's face. She lurched back.

"Whoa, that's a kiss angle if ever I've seen one," Jack said. Why did he always have to come in at the worst possible moment?

"If I were gonna kiss her I'd've done it already," Oswin said offhandedly. Clara glared and caught the flicker in her outline meaning she was intangible and any attempt to hit her would be impossible.

"What are you looking at?!" she asked after another few minutes of confusion.

"Your face."

"Never. Why?"

"I had no idea I could ever look so unattractive," she said. Then she convulsed like she were being electrocuted and Clara jumped back from the table, seeing Jenny standing nearby holding her screwdriver.

"Oh, sorry, I must've accidentally set my sonic to the same frequency you're transmitting on and accidentally activated a power surge by accidentally linking up to the VM's electric pathways yesterday and just now accidentally switched it on when _you_ were accidentally mean to Clara," she said.

"Yeah. Accidentally," muttered Oswin grumpily.

"And you better stop accidentally being mean to her or I might _accidentally_ give her this sonic after accidentally teaching her how to use it." Oswin flickered for a moment, and when she returned to normal she looked to have some sort of colour filter on her. "Did I mention I accidentally synched it to your hyper-neural electron DNA signature and micro-sensitive individualised genome structure?"

"Oh, that's good," said Eleven.

"What did she do?" Rose asked. Clara also - though she wouldn't admit it in front of Oswin - had no idea what she'd done.

"Well Oswin's using the vortex's stolen artron energy to warp the sound waves in the air to show her - River's made of light, she's made of sound because the vortex manipulator doesn't possess a photon-reversal unit - which means she's projecting on a super-encoded radio frequency if you like, but Jenny's linked the screwdriver to interfere with that and scatter her interlinked electronic cells and twist her gene structure causing interstellar, inter-temporal lock-on and a black box consciousness, and when warped any further by rewriting the frequency against Oswin's will it causes electro-convulsions and the closest thing to pain she can feel."

"And it also means no matter how much I jump frequency she can still zap me."

"No, sorry. No idea," said Martha.

"Basically," said Oswin, then a weird glowing pen appeared in her hand and she started drawing in the air. She drew a cluster of dots and then circled them, and then about fifteen centimetres left of the dot cluster she drew one big dot, then a wavy line from the big dot to the circumference of the circle around the cloud of little marks, then lots of other lines joining all the dots within the circle to the edge of it and to each other. "That."

"Err..." said Rose. Oswin sighed, then drew a rectangle in blue in between but above both her other doodles and drew a wavy line from that to the edge of the circle too, then rubbed out the line going from the big dot to the dot cloud and drew one going from the big dot to the middle of the line going from the rectangle, and one splitting off that line like a fork and meeting the edge of the dot cluster.

"Now do you get it?" she asked.

"No," said Clara, shaking her head. She was completely baffled. Oswin groaned, and drew an arrow from the big dot reading "Jenny's Screwdriver", one from the cluster of dots in a circle reading "me" and one from the rectangle reading "VM".

"Seriously, you MUST understand now!" they all shook their heads. "Right. It's like she's shot me with a taser, only she can choose when to send electricity through the wire."

"Yeah, but, what's all the other stuff?"

"The vortex manipulator is transmitting me and I'm a bunch of tiny particles and some really clever temporal TARDIS stuff is making me visible. That's the radio station, I'm the radio, and... Oh, the enigma code, that's a good example, right? Yes, of course it is, I thought of it. So the enigma code was always changing so it was hard to break and find where U-Boats were gonna be in that war thing a while ago. So I'm a submarine, the vortex manipulator is a German transmitter and the screwdriver is a British codebreaker, and Jenny breaks my frequency code and puts a tracker on me - the submarine -, and then every time I torpedo something - insult Clara-Wara - Jenny will torpedo me because she knows where I am and I can't lose her because she broke the code."

"I think I get it, a bit..." said Rose.

"Right! Forget it, you're all idiots!" and she teleported away to some other part of the ship.


	106. Blanket For The Shock?

**AN: Okay, I've not needed to do things like this much, but I edited and re-uploaded this chapter, and I'm gonna entirely rewrite the next one because it really didn't make sense. It may take a while. And also, I'm basically in "forget plotlines for a bit and randomly make everything up without plans because plans suck" mode right now.**

_Blanket For The Shock?_

"Guess the temper tantrums run in the family?" said Martha.

"What temper tantrums? I don't have temper tantrums," said Clara, "Sweetheart, do I have temper tantrums?"

"I... er..."

"Why aren't you supportively agreeing with me?!" (**AN: 50 points to whoever knows that quote**).

"No! Of course you don't have temper tantrums! Martha, why are you saying she has temper tantrums?"

"She's got you sorted," snorted Martha.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" demanded Clara.

"It means you have temper tantrums," Rose supplied. Just as Clara was about to retort with something incredibly smart and witty that even Oswin would come up with (_Great, now I'm acting like she's an older sister I have to impress_), like 'whatever', the TARDIS lurched.

"If we've crossed into another bloody universe again I am not getting out," Donna yelled from somewhere. Wow. She really was that loud.

In actuality, when everyone went to investigate the bad steering, it turned out Jack and Oswin were entirely to blame.

"Just on course for London, Wednesday, July 10th, 2013."

"London? Thought we were going to Lancashire?" asked Eleven.

"Don't encourage them, sweetie," said River, flashing into existence by the screen.

"We were, but Dave stayed at George's and Nina's helping him look after the kids because George is still 'sick', I guess seeing a Slitheen can be a bit of a shock," said Oswin, flicking all the wrong switches.

"You're not even flying right!"

"Of course I am, I'm a genius from the future."

"Well Mozart was a genius but if you took him to the past and told him to build you a trebuchet I doubt he could do it," said Clara, rushing to the console. But at that moment they landed, probably thanks to Jack and River, who knew how to fly the TARDIS.

"Hey Clars, race you to the Maitland's?" said Oswin, then she burst out into a run, but Clara overtook her when Jenny shocked her again. Thank stars they were on the right street, she thought. Now they'd better be in the right time.

She burst through the unlocked front door - that would be Angie being irresponsible again and into the living room where the three inhabitants sat. She breathed deeply and presumed George was at work.

"It's alright, I got here first. Now, I don't mean to alarm you, but-"

"What's wrong with your face?!" Angie yelled.

"Ah..." how had Clara forgotten about her shredded cheek?

"Great job in the not-meaning-to-alarm-them front," said Oswin, sauntering in moments later.

"Clara? What the bloody hell is going on?!" demanded her father.

"Ah... Well, dad, you see..." she began, and then Eleven burst through the doors with Jack. "Sweetheart, lock the door."

"What? Why?" he asked.

"Quick, just do it!" she ordered him. He looked puzzled, but thankfully locked the living room door and the kitchen door before anyone else could join them.

"Did he do this to your face?!" yelled Dave Oswald.

"No, it was her," Clara pointed at Oswin. "Dad, this is all really complicated. Where were we when we last met?"

"Monday?"

"Yes, it was Monday, wasn't it? What day's today?"

"Wednesday."

"Why are you still here?"

"I left, but the kids managed to call me and tell me to come back. They couldn't get a hold of you," he said darkly.

"Oh, sorry..."

"Why, how long has it been since you last saw me?"

"I... Erm..."

"Nine days," said Eleven.

"Yeah, nine days," she said.

"And you didn't call once?"

"Nina called me," she said, "I don't know when though."

"It was last night," said Angie.

"Yeah, Nina called me last night... Although, I think that was last week to me."

"Where have you been, then?"

"We went to 1941, and Rose got amnesia... Then what?"

"We had those children," said Eleven, then his eyes widened. "I phrased that completely wrong, didn't I?"

"Yes."

"They were clones, made from a machine and born into adulthood! Died after two days," he said."Anyway, then we got married again-"

"Were you drunk?"

"No."

"Why wasn't I invited?"

"I don't know. Jack, why wasn't _my own father_ invited to my wedding? Again?"

"We thought it wasn't his scene," Jack said.

"They planned it behind our backs in secret, it was nothing to do with me who was or wasn't invited. Otherwise _she_ wouldn't be there," Clara pointed at Oswin, who... made a chair appear?

"How are you so good at being a hologram?!" Eleven demanded of her, whining.

"I'm a genius! I hacked the Daleks and erased you from history! You think I can't mess around with sound waves and make a chair pop up?" she said as she sat in it.

"Who is she?" her father asked.

"She's called Oswin Oswald. She's... me... A bit..." said Clara, "only a version of me from the future. And she's a genius."

"Wait, we're the same person when it conveniences you?"

"Yeah, glad you understand. She's dead," Clara said. "She's being projected as a hologram using sound waves."

"You see, it's a lot like the enigma code-" she began.

"No, we're not going through this again!" Clara cut across her. "So she scratched my face yesterday, and Martha stitched it up."

"Who's Martha?" he asked.

"She's a doctor, she works for UNIT," said Eleven. "That's the Unified Intelligence Taskforce, they're Britain's secret alien fighters."

"She's a proper doctor? Qualified and everything?"

"Yes, dad," said Clara. "I wouldn't let him go anywhere near my face with a needle."

"You did last night," said Oswin.

"Okay, what does that even mean? That what - when we're in bed he stabs my face? Or does he just have a really sharp tongue piercing so he can lick and stab my face since that's what you seem to think we do," said Clara, forgetting her father was there. "I mean, nothing!"

"What you two do is nothing to do with me..." grumbled her father.

"We don't even do that! Right, anyway, we had that wedding and then didn't really do much for a few days."

"I came," said Oswin.

"Did you now?" Jack asked.

"...You were there..? You're the one who made me come?"

"Hey, I don't remember this but I'm not denying anything," he said, raising his hands.

"No! Stop talking now! I hate you both! So that didn't happen, and then we came here this morning. Because this lot want to meet Nina."

"Why?"

"Because a little birdie told me that your daughter's a dyke," said Jack.

"I can see why Jenny likes you, it must be your way with words and obvious class," Clara said

So, after explaining to Dave Oswald about Nina and the fact that Clara was not, as Jack had so delicately put it, a dyke, he seemed to have just about reached breaking point(**AN: For the record, I'm pretty sure Clara's at least bi. But then again, I'm pretty sure everyone's a little gay**). They'd also had to deal with the rampant shouts and unwelcome inputs from the people gathered outside.

"So... She's a lesbian?" her father pointed at Oswin, who was lying in the air atop a floating lilo wearing a rather large sunhat and novelty, yellow sunglasses.

"It was a phase!"

"But a sexy phase?" asked Jack.

"Very," said Oswin. Clara was sure she moved the sunglasses and winked at him.

"Could you show me at least a bit of respect? You've been here for days and you've already permanently scarred my face," said Clara. "And probably my home life."

"Your face was already permanently scarred with ugly."

"WE HAVE THE SAME FACE," she shouted, really wishing she could conjure up seats from thin air.

"So, how are you and the Doctor?" Angie asked.

"We're fine, Angie. We haven't had a divorce in the last four days if that's what you're asking. And why aren't you two at school?"

"School's closed," Angie said, "the government's in crisis, something to do with most of the country's supermarkets closing, and national security threatened again by that woman - Christina."

"Oh..." said Eleven. "It didn't do anything when all those new developments went down a few years back because of Slitheen! And what's she done, stolen something else from a museum?"

"No, cos they were just schools. These were 24 hours a day 7 days a week ASDAs. And MI6 publicly said they suspect she's gonna steal the defence codes, but the ASDA thing is more urgent."

"Glad to see the country has its priorities in order," he said.

"You know what they've been saying? They've-"

"No, dad. Please don't start talking about the government," said Clara.

"Hey, Angie. Can I borrow your phone to call Nina and ruin Clara's life?" Oswin asked.

"What?! No, Angie, you are forbidden from giving-" but Oswin flitted away from her lilo and grabbed Angie's phone and then she was in the kitchen on the wrong side of the door and nobody could get to her.

"Hi, Nina! It's Clara, just got back from travelling, yeah... I was pretty tired, I probably forgot... No, no, it was a honeymoon... I know! I was a bit disappointed... That's exactly what I thought... So yeah, I met some people while I was away... Oh, just a few. Only thirteen. And my husband, so that's fourteen... That's what I was thinking! We're like, the same person... Well what is it now?... Great, I'll make some food... Yeah... I'm sure we've got enough... Bye, Nina!" She appeared back in the living room and gave Angie her phone back. "She'll be here in an hour."


	107. Clara's Facebook

**AN: Sorry I've been really slow with the updates, I've been a bit stressed recently about applying to colleges and sixth forms and my bad leg playing up again and it's all a bit deflated and I don't want to rush a bad chapter, although I don't have too many ideas because I don't want to start another proper plot so I've just been doing filler since the wedding.**

_Clara's Facebook_

"Angie, text her and tell her to get today's paper on the way here," Clara sighed.

"And now we have to prepare," said Jack.

"Prepare what? You can't tell her about the TARDIS, she'll get sectioned," said Clara, "she'll obviously tell everyone, and nobody'll believe her so they'll call the authorities."

"She could always come travelling with us?" Jack suggested suggestively.

"She's a really annoying nineteen year old, why would you want her on board?" Clara asked. "And it's not like the Nina she 'dated'-" she did air quotation marks "-is the same as this Nina."

"Wait, she's not..?" Jack asked.

"You... Oh my stars, you lot are so thick! Winny's from the future! Of course they're not the same person! Have you..? Oh dear lord..." and Clara burst out laughing.

"Wifey?" asked Eleven, looking bemused. She supposed by now he expected her to lash out or something, but she knew from the scars on her face that lashing out would get her nowhere. She fell onto the sofa where only Artie was sitting. She pulled him down to sit with her by his arm.

"I can't believe you thought they were the same person! What are you gonna do, drop her off in the future just so she'll 'date' Winny?"

"Well..." said Jack.

"Jack I was fourteen and so was she," said Oswin, "this Nina is nineteen."

"The name is just a coincidence!" Clara was basically dying with laughter.

"So why did we come meet this Nina?!" demanded Jack.

"You voted on it, I did try and stop you. Now we have to come up with a lie to explain who you all are. And who she is," said Clara.

"Right, so, am I your secret identical twin? Oh, can I be the creator of Google?" Oswin asked. "I'm pretty sure I could create Google."

"No, try Bing," said Clara.

"Yahoo."

"YouTube."

"Deal," she said.

"Cool. What about him?" she pointed at Eleven.

"I already said we met at Christmas," said Clara.

"That is not a cover story," said Oswin.

"Alright, fine, we went ice-skating or something," she made up.

"Oh, no, wifey. I can't ice-skate," said Eleven.

"It doesn't matter, she's not gonna make you prove it."

"Nina says buy your own paper," Angie interrupted.

"Tell her I'll pay her for it when she gets here," Clara said, "Can your girlfriend do an American accent?"

"I don't know," said Jack, "maybe you should let 'em in."

"Yeah, let us in!" Rose shouted through.

"Go into the garden!" Clara shouted back. "You lot coming? Cover story? Threat to national security here?" the Maitlands and Dave Oswald sighed and left. "Now, who don't I like..." She looked straight at Oswin.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"Go get our mugs out of the TARDIS," she asked.

"What, the multi-coloured ones?"

"Yeah, the rainbow mugs. There should be twelve of them. And find out what colour mugs Jenny and Tentoo want," Clara told her.

"I'm not your slave."

"I wish," Jack muttered. Both of them ignored him.

"Do I not get a mug? Just because I don't need to drink. River has a mug, doesn't she?"

"No," said Eleven.

"Fine then, but I want to be Mark Zuckerburg's ex who nobody knows about who definitely gave him the idea for Facebook," she said.

"Fine! But if you break any of them then you'll be stuck with the founder of... Bebo."

"Eurgh, who even founded Bebo?" Clara shrugged, and then Oswin zapped away.

"Stars she's annoying," muttered Clara.

"That was a polite conversation!" argued Eleven, confused as she grabbed his hand and pulled him into the garden. He let her pull him to places a lot, she was starting to wonder if he was incapable of walking properly when she was around. But, on the dawn of their second wedding, she had established proximity messed up his head.

She'd actually had quite a lot of fun with that when they were in the parallel universe when she'd kept asking him maths problems while ruffling his hair, holding his hand, merely sat by him and so forth. Watching him splutter and forget everything he knew at the touch of a human girl was very entertaining, everyone had thought so.

There were no chairs set up in the garden, so the TARDIS-fifteen, the Maitlands and Clara's father were forced to sit on the grass, although it hadn't rained since Thursday if Clara's memory proved accurate, so there was no mud.

"So the other two Doctors can be my brothers, I suppose?" said Eleven, "well, three. We have the identical twins."

"Can I be his ex-boyfriend?" Jack asked Clara.

"No you can't!"

"Can I be his boyfriend?" and then Jenny hit him. "Ow, Doll. That hurt."

"What about me and Mickey?"

"What if there was some holiday," Oswin began, flitting back into the garden with a fruit smoothie. "Arranged for little weirdos in London who want to elope in Vegas, and you met there?"

"Where's the tea?" asked Clara.

"I'm not making it for you. I got the mugs, they're in the kitchen. Say hello to Mark Zuckerberg's secret ex-girlfriend who invented Facebook," she declared.

"Clara dated Mark Zuckerberg?"

"No, he's mine," said Oswin.

"Okay, neither of us ever dated him, she just wants to pretend she invented Facebook," said Clara. "I used to think you were just obsessed with me and him, but you're just obsessed with my love life, aren't you? Why don't we ever go see one of Martha's hated exes, why don't we take Rose and Mickey out for a fun visit to see Trisha Delaney? Why is it just me!? What's your fascination with my family?!" she'd yelled without realising.

"I think you should calm down..." said Rose.

"I AM CALM," Clara seethed.

"Sensible suggestions," Rose said. Clara calmed down after a few minutes of crushing her husband's hand between her fingers. She hadn't noticed she was doing it until he started trying to pry her off him with her hooked, claw-like fingers. Then she just balled her fists and accidentally cut her palm with her own fingernails. Which reminded her or something.

"What do I say happened to my face? I'm not telling her my identical twin she's never heard of who is also Mark Zuckerberg's ex girlfriend and the secret creator of Facebook slashed my face open," she said.

"Well, it wasn't quite that brutal, was it?" said Mickey.

"Say it was a dog..?" suggested Rory.

"Maybe you fell on a rake?" suggested Martha. "Say you fell through a window, or into a mirror," suggested Rose.

"Say you don't wanna talk about it?" suggested Donna.

"Say Wolverine attacked you," suggested Jack. "He and Cyclops double teamed you. Actually, I want Wolverine and Cyclops to double team me." Jenny hit him again.


	108. Runaway In Time For Tea

**AN: Okay guys so once again this is a super stressful time just going into Year 11 into the third year of my GCSEs (for any confused fellow Britons I started a year early, it's quite funny because I'm qualified in a bunch of things earlier than my friends in other schools(Maths, English, Biology, Chemistry, History and Geography)), and then with having to write CVs, personal statements, make a new e-mail specifically for my college applications, staying back for hours to make sure I reach my aspirational targets in my exams, all the stuff with Gove messing around with resits (this is really boring for you foreigners, isn't it?), so the fic is not my top priority anymore like it has been, but it's still here and I still do it for fun, but not daily updates anymore. I'll aim for four-ish a week, but I make no promises. AND I WILL NOT END IT, so stop asking me, okay? I'll tell you when I'm gonna end it.**

_Runaway In Time For Tea_

They finally got their cover stories sorted. Clara and Eleven had met in a coffee shop **(AN: Because of my fondness of coffee shop AUs)** and had gone on various, cliché, Christmas-themed dates. It was quite a long list of imaginary dates, and only one of them the couple themselves had come up with (ice-skating on a pond and building snowmen, to warp the truth a lot), everyone else had pitched in with random suggestions. Clara couldn't even keep track of her own dates. Rose was indeed married to one half of the 'identical twins', and Nine had complained he didn't want to be related to 'those idiots' and was their not-at-all blood-related step-brother from a different mother. The Ponds ended up being Eleven's best friends from Primary School who travelled to London with him. Donna was just a local friend of Clara's who Nina conveniently didn't know, as was River. Jack & Jenny and Mickey & Martha were couples they'd met in Las Vegas when they were wed. The only worry really was Jack or one of the Maitlands if they didn't stick to the plan, but then the doorbell rang and Clara heard it from the garden.

She sighed and got to her feet, glaring at Oswin to warn her to stay put (she was currently on a floating deck chair and her novelty shades had returned, only now she was also wearing a sombrero) and pulling the Doctor to her feet with her. She always found it odd when she thought of Eleven as 'the Doctor'. This all-powerful being, the last of his kind, the Oncoming Storm, the Predator, the man who could make armies run at the sound of his name - and here he was, reduced to a babbling idiot purely because there was a girl near him. She'd never get over the novelty of it.

"But why do I have to come, wifey?" he whined.

"Because Jack's not here to play how-uncomfortable-can-we-make-Clara," she answered him, "and because, if you're forgetting, we _are_ together, and married, and in love-"

"Are we?"

"Sarcasm doesn't suit you," she said, "so it's only polite to introduce you properly. She's basically been trying to get me a boyfriend for all the time I've known her. In the space I've had none she's had about sixty."

"What do you mean none? What am I, then?" he pouted.

"I said boyfriend, Chin. Not husband. Now, quick, pretend we're a happy couple who don't argue," she said, grabbing his arm and dragging him down on an angle to her level.

"Ow - hey! We _are_ a happy couple who don't argue!"

"Are you arguing with me?!"

"What? I... No, just..." he carried on garbling as he dragged himself back up to full height. And then added five more inches by standing on his toes.

"Don't do that!" hissed Clara, stepping back into the hall to unlock the door. He tripped. "That's your own fault... Hi, Nina!" and she was then trapped in a bear hug from the much-hated nineteen year old while keeping a tight grasp on Eleven's hand so he didn't abandon her.

"I've missed you!"

"Er, really? It's only been a week," muttered Clara, trying to pull herself back to freedom and away from much despised personal contact with anyone other than her much loved husbandy.

"So, this is your man-candy?"

"_Man-candy_?!" Clara heard Eleven whisper.

"...Sorry, what?" asked Clara.

"Well come on, eloping in Vegas? It is obvious he's just your boy-toy," said Nina knowingly. Clara was already offended.

"I'm not her boy-toy!" gasped Eleven. Clara squeezed his hand affectionately to show him he was definitely not in any way her 'boy-toy'.

"Puh-lease, of course you are. Clara Oswald is allergic to commitment, she would not marry anyone for them," said Nina.

"Right... Everyone else you haven't met yet is in the garden. And my dad," she grumbled. Nina hadn't actually ever met Clara's father. He never came down to London, normally she'd go up north for the weekend and stay up there.

"Is this true, wifey?" said Eleven, keeping hold of her hand so she couldn't follow Nina.

"We are not actually having this conversation, are we?" she asked, disbelieving. He raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms. She walked past him onto the stairs to reach his eye level (stupid height differences).

"Chin, you are nine-hundred percent not my 'man-candy', my 'boy-toy' or whatever other meaningless words she comes up with over the next few hours - because I guarantee there'll be a few more," she said.

"How do I know you're not lying to me?"

"I've never lied to you!"

"How am I supposed to know that? Maybe you're a really good liar."

"Now? We're doing this now? With her and them out there?" she said.

"Gotcha," he said.

"Got me?! You... I thought you were..." she grumbled, then she glowered, crossed her arms, and looked at the floor behind him. Annoyingly, he took her chin and moved her head to face him, but she was still not looking at his eyes.

"Wifey, we can go away," he whispered.

"What do you mean..?"

"Let's runaway!"

"But my dad's through there," she said, even though she couldn't help but grin at the wild look in his eye. "Also, we're not fifteen sneaking out to a party."

"Sneak out to a lot of parties when you were fifteen, wifey?"

"No, but what's it to you?" she said.

"Come on, quick, or they'll come looking for us. We won't take the TARDIS, we'll be back in a bit. Let's just get away from them for a few hours. Just us, wifey."

"Whoa, Chin. Are you asking me out on a date? Because that's what it sounds like..."

"Suppose I am, Miss Oswald, what would your answer be?"

"Well, 'yes' normally, but what's with this 'Miss' stuff? I am a married woman, I'll have you know."

"Oh, really? This husband of yours - what's he like?"

"My husband? He's brilliant and handsome and wonderful, and he takes me to see the most amazing things in this tiny blue box, and he always tries to do what's best - even though he doesn't know what's best - and it hurts him when I'm injured more than it hurts me, and he's completely unswayed by my father disliking him and by the remarks of our so-called 'friends'," she said, pushing him outside and quietly locking the door behind them as she whispered.

"Well, he sounds perfect," said Eleven.

"Did I also mention he makes me hang around with his ex-wife, wakes me up at stupid times a lot and is really arrogant?" she said as they crept away from the house towards Clara's apparently hideous (according to Rose) cherry-red twingo.

"Like I said, perfect," answered Eleven.

"Wow, for once I don't have to care about being yelled at for being impolite and talking to you. So, where do you wanna go?" she started the engine to get a head start on the others whenever they eventually came to look for them.

"Show me something awesome, Impossible Girl," he said.

"Do you have any idea how high standards you set?"

"Yep. I won't be happy til you beat Akhaten, wifey," he folded his arms and leant back in the tiny passenger seat. Well, he tried to lean back. Truthfully there was barely any legroom so Clara ended up a dangerously distracted driver on a suburban street as she laughed at him fidget. "Eyes on the road!" he yelled suddenly. She swerved violently to avoid a cat, braked and they spun 180° before the car stopped and Clara clutched the wheel, wide eyed. "Never liked cats," he muttered, finally sorting himself out, though he didn't look too happy.

"Me either, we're learning so much about each other," she gasped, staring dead ahead with white knuckles.

"Er, wifey..?"

"That was your fault."

"Sorry. I'll buy you lunch," he said.

"When you say 'buy' you mean con them with psychic paper, don't you?"

"Course... Do you, erm, want me to drive..?"

"You? I do not trust you to drive."

"Just asking."

"Let's just go get some proper food where there's no poison risk. Fish and chips?"

"Ooh, goody. I do love fish and chips, you know. Ate them when I was hiding from the Master. They don't taste the same since they stopped wrapping them in newspaper though, I've always noticed that," he started ranting.

"Can't you travel back to when they were wrapped in newspaper?" she asked him.

"Not right now."

"I meant when you're with Snogbox, Chin," she said.

"Well, no. Usually the TARDIS cooks for me."

"You'd be nothing without that box _which I chose_, might I remind you."

"Of course I'd be nothing, and I'm eternally grateful to my ever-loving wife for it," he smiled, "and eternity is a very long time for a Time Lord."

"I should think, otherwise you're a bit pointless, aren't you?"

"Oi! Stop quipping and drive us away before they find us."

"Right you are, Chin Boy," she re-started the stalled engine.

"You sound like Oswin."

"Yeah, only _I'm_ showing _you_ the stars - and by stars, I obviously mean the nearest chippy."

"And they say romance is dead."

"Oi, you're the romantic one. Got started on that love song yet?"

"Not yet. And I thought you didn't want me to write you a song?"

"I am indifferent towards the song, Chin... But it would be really cute."

"Well, you'll get your song, darling."

"And you'll get your chips, sweetheart."


	109. Romantic Getaway For Four

_Romantic Getaway For Four_

They were parked in a multi-storey car park, out of view of the skies in case they took the TARDIS and flew overhead, and they were both eating fish and chips not from the first chip shop they passed, in case the other seventeen of them came asking in local places for the both of them.

"So..." Clara was about to ask when they were going back, but she couldn't help but stare, confused and slightly repulsed, as the love of her life stuffed his face with vinegar soaked, salty chips. He'd also pushed the chair all the way back and was slid halfway down the seat with his feet up on the dashboard. When she didn't finish her sentence he looked at her.

"What?"

"I had no idea," she replied.

"No idea about what?"

"No idea you were such a slob. You barely eat, and then it's only fish fingers or Jammie Dodgers," she said.

"I am _not_ a slob!" he objected, and then he picked up his fish and took a bite out of it like it was a chocolate bar.

"Eurgh."

"Well, maybe you're just too... dainty."

"Dainty?"

"Yeah, like... an ornament."

"An ornament?"

"Nevermind."

"Right, well before I was so rudely interrupted I was saying-" but then her phone rang. It was on the dashboard in front of her. She sighed, annoyed, and reached for it - but Eleven snatched it away first. "Oi, what are you-"

"Shh," he said, answering the phone. "Clara's phone... Oh, hello Rose! So, how are you all?... Well you can hardly blame her, and she's sort of your guest... She's busy... Shut up, no! She's buying cinema tickets and I'm holding her bag... Wait, we have to go. No phones inside, sorry! Bye!" and he hung up and turned off the phone.

"You sneaky Time Lord," she said.

"Exactly. They'll never find us now," he said.

"So as I was saying - when are we gonna go back? We can't stay sat in a car park doing nothing forever. And don't you dare suggest kissing because I can't, remember?" she pointed at her ragged face. His expression saddened.

"Err, I don't know, wifey. I'm sure the TARDIS could find me if she wanted to," he said.

"But does it want to find me? Maybe it'll stay away," then she gasped and grinned, "How far away d'you think we can get before they find us?"

"I dunno. We could go to France," he said.

"What, like that teacher and his student last year?" she frowned.

"No! I am not a pedophile," he said, crossing his arms.

"I don't know about that - what exactly is our age difference? Eleven-hundred-and...?

"And it doesn't matter... Does it? Please say the age difference doesn't bother you, wifey," he said, he looked panicked. She giggled.

"Course not - you do have the body of a thirty year old, after all."

"I knew it, that's all you care about, isn't it?"

"Oh, yeah. Of course, _man-candy_."

"Well then what are you? My trophy wife?"

"That is not funny."

"Oh, but it is when you do it?"

"Obviously."

"Anyway, when I said France I was thinking Paris."

"Couldn't we go steal the TARDIS and take it? Then they definitely can't find us."

"That's not fair, wifey," said Eleven.

"No, Chin. We're not going to Paris. We have to get back by tonight anyway."

"This... All this," he waved his arms around, "this is what I imagine it's like for Earth teenagers, all curfews and whatnot. It's rubbish."

"Did you have curfews when you were a teenager?"

"When I was a teenager? Are we learning about each other's pasts now?"

"'We'? You already learnt about mine, didn't you."

"Yeah, well, I skipped the randy parties."

"I'm sorry, the 'randy parties'? What were you - the school nerd who didn't ever get invited?"

"Me? School nerd, not at all, Clary - is Clary alright? I know they call you it, and it's close to your actual name but-" he was raving again so Clara clamped a hand over his mouth. And quickly removed it.

"Ew, did you just lick my hand!?"

"Maybe..."

"Eurgh," she wiped her hand on his jacket sleeve. "And I suppose Clary's okay. You didn't call me it before, did you?"

"Don't think so."

"Then it's fine, as long as you don't call me 'Clara'. What were you saying about being the school nerd?"

"Oh, right, yes, I was - hang on, I was talking about how I _wasn't_ the school nerd! You tricked me, you... you..."

"Me what?"

"You... beautiful human, you!"

"Well, thank you, Doctor," she said.

"Oi!"

"Sorry, I can't resist calling you Doctor when you compliment me. Like I've captured this great being capable of destroying worlds and galaxies and universes and made him mine," she smirked.

"I hate to tell you, but you sort of have. Here I am, locked in this car-"

"It's not locked."

"Sat in this-"

"It's locked now," she'd clicked a button on the dashboard and the locks and clunked.

"_Locked_ in this car, no way of escape. I'm basically your prisoner, wifey."

"Ahem," she cleared her throat and leant on the steering wheel, "school nerd?"

"Aren't you supposed to know my whole life anyway? Time stream and whatnot."

"Stop changing the subject, I'll hear it from you, personally."

"You'd like to get to know me personally," he muttered slyly.

"Okay, first of all, I _do_ know you personally - in both senses - and second of all _stop changing the subject_!"

"Okay, okay! I wasn't at all the school nerd. I was basically the school jock."

"You? School jock?"

"Well not _me_, I was a lot more like my tenth incarnation."

"Ah. Now I understand. So, get all the girls, did you?"

"Of course not!"

"Oh, come on. How many?"

"None, sweetheart!"

"Must have been a few. Remember their names?"

"No. I mean, no, there weren't any girls."

"Oh, I see. Any guys?"

"You are worse than Jack!"

"No, because you can get rid of Jack. You can't get rid of me. Not by choice, anyway."

"Can we talk about something else?"

"Ha! I knew there were girls involved. Otherwise you would talk about it."

"I just don't want to talk about home," and then the conversation turned somber very, very quickly.

"Oh. I'm... sorry..."

"It's fine. Not your fault. Of course you're curious, why wouldn't you be curious about me or my past?" he said bitterly.

"I said I was sorry!"

"And I said it was fine. Where shall we go? Let's go camping, wifey," he said.

"...Us? Camping?"

"Why not?"

"I don't do camping, Chin. Seriously, no camping."

"You know, I think we should steal the TARDIS. We'll bring her back tonight," he said.

"They'll have someone guarding it, in case we go back for it."

"We'll just runaway the old-fashioned way," he grinned.

"By running?"

"No, we do enough running! Driving, there's nothing stopping us! Take some risks. It'll be like a honeymoon."

"We already had a honeymoon."

"For our first wedding."

"Chin, camping's rubbish. And I have these stitches, I'm not running away from a proper doctor with you."

"You know I can heal your face though!"

"Yeah? Well even if you did something worse might happen. And right now they're my only distinguishing features from Oswin."

"No, they are most definitely not. You're not the same person, wifey."

"Are you only saying that so that I won't make you sleep outside the tent?"

"Ah, so you agree to go camping?" he said triumphantly.

"No! I mean, maybe. But we are the same person!"

"Not true, you're nowhere near as arrogant. And you're a lot nicer, and you don't spend your time scheming," he said, "and I didn't marry Oswin... Twice. I married you."

"Twice."

"And she's nowhere near as cute when she's drunk."

"_Cute_?! I know you're supposed to lie to make me feel better, but somethings are just... No. No, no, no, never in twelve-hundred years of time and space."

"Well I think you're always cute, even your scars."

"Not scars yet."

"Well, cuts. Stitches. Wounds. Slashes. Tears. Ri-"

"Okay, no need to go that far!"

"I think they're pretty."

"You're being weird now."

"Am I?"

"Little bit."

"So, camping? They'll definitely never find us."

"We don't have a tent."

"We'll buy one."

"We don't have a booking."

"We'll buy one."

"We don't have food."

"We'll buy some."

"We don't have-"

"Wifey, I can buy everything with this psychic paper. Everything we don't have. There is literally no reason why we can't just pack up and leave."

"...Clothes! I am not going clothes shopping with you. We really can't runaway unless you wanna be really dirty - don't you dare try and make a joke there." She caught a mischievous glimpse in his eye, but it was quickly stifled.

"Well then... Then we won't. We will take the TARDIS, and whoever's in it, but we'll get them to help us."

"So you're asking me on a honeymoon and you want to invite our friends along, too?"

"Err... Unless you want to go clothes shopping..?"

"You know, I have a better idea," she picked up her phone (cringing at the amount of grease and oil it was covered in), turned it back on and called Rose.

"Thought you were at the cinema?" was the first thing she said.

"Oh, well hello-to-you-too. Who else is there and where are you?"

"Well, Jack stuck around your house with Nina - and Jenny, and also the Ponds, Donna and Mickey are down there. Me and Tentoo are in the TARDIS and whoever else is currently in this Cineworld."

"Wait - there's just the two of you? In the TARDIS?"

"Yeah. Why?" Clara covered the mic.

"It's just her and Tentoo," she whispered to Eleven, pulling his ear to her.

"See? Great. Bet they need a break, too. Maybe." Clara shrugged.

"So, here's the plan..."


	110. Not Yorkshire

**AN: I'm feeling Eleven-y (so definitely a mood), so I've decided because certain people are ignorant and I'm reeeally bored I'm gonna have some chapters with Eleven's viewpoint. Whoooo! It's a mid-way switch, so some Clara first.**

_Not Yorkshire_

The TARDIS landed about half an hour later, after whouffle had been picked up by Rose and Tentoo - who did not approve of running away, but also didn't really mind.

"Do we have to camp, we have the Snogbox," said Clara, glowering as she was made to pack all-weather clothes. "Can't the TARDIS just make us a forest?"

"No, that's rubbish! Anyway, the weather's perfect," answered Eleven, throwing about twenty bowties into a huge suitcase.

"It was raining!"

"Just a drizzle!"

"No, it's three in the afternoon, in July, and it's dark out. That's not a drizzle."

"Aliens!"

"It's not aliens, Chin. It's Britain. This is what it's like here," she said.

"Don't the pair of you sound like a happy couple," Rose said, lugging a suitcase through the corridors. She stopped and propped it up outside their open bedroom door though. "Mum always said you can tell if a couple's gonna last by how stressed they get while camping."

"We're not stressed," said Clara. "Are we having two tents or one big tent?"

"Two," said Rose.

"Yep, definitely two," agreed Eleven.

"Good," said Clara. "Are-"

"No, wifey," said Eleven.

"You don't even know what I was gonna ask!"

"You were going to ask if we were getting the TARDIS to cook for us," he said.

"I... _Fine_, you win," she said. "What am I gonna ask now?"

"You're going to ask me if I love you - which I do, very much," he said absently.

"How do you do that?!"

"Wifey, I've got a lot of marriage experience. You were just trying to trick me."

"Don't get clever, Chin. Pack the bags."

"Yes, sweetheart," he snickered.

"Anyway, if you've stopped flirting, you've gotta pitch a tent in this rain," and she sauntered off with her bag. Clara glared after her.

"Why can't we go to a nice place?"

"It is nice! Now, can you pitch a tent?"

"Yes, I did D of E. And hang on, are we-"

"Yes, you can use the TARDIS to shower," he said.

"Thank stars. What's for tea?"

"I dunno, ask Rose, she's the one who normally cooks."

"You can't just assume she's gonna cook for everyone," said Clara. "Right, I think I'm packed."

"Already?" he asked. She peeked in his suitcase. All she saw was tweed and bow ties.

"Err... Yep, pretty much..." she dragged her suitcase onto the floor from the bed and put on her raincoat. "You can get the tent."

"Oi, why do I have to get the tent?"

"Because you're a man, big and strong," she said.

"I'm going old-school, wifey. Old time tweed," he said, holding a tweed blazer she knew from his time stream as what he'd worn on his travels with the Ponds.

"Makes you look younger," she said. He grinned.

"Do you think?" he twirled.

"Yep. And shorter, definitely shorter," she said.

"If I'm too tall why don't you wear heals?" he wondered.

"Chin, I usually do," and she snuck off.

**AN: Eleven!**

_Do not argue, do not argue, do not argue, do not argue, you are in love, do not argue_ was the mantra going round and round in the head of the Eleventh Doctor as he watched his wife struggle in a huge puffy coat to actually see anything in the rain. Why did humans need coats? What was wrong with getting wet every once in a while? _Note to self, don't ever say that out loud_.

"No, wifey, just lift the corner-"

"I'm trying!" she protested. He breathed deeply and resumed his mantra. Yes, he was in love with Clara Oswald, but putting up a tent would always be stressful, no matter who the couple were. But he accidentally bit his cheek with frustration upon hearing Rose and Tentoo laughing behind him. He saw Clara glower into space, but maybe that was just her face, it was hard to tell in the shoddy lighting.

"So is it-" he tried to get out another sentence.

"I don't know!"

"I didn't even ask a question yet!"

"I don't know, stop asking!"

"You're not even listening, wifey," he said.

"_What?!_"

"Sweetheart! Is it this pole?" he fumbled in the mud to find the thin metal stick in the trampled grass. _People should definitely have headlamps inserted into their foreheads_, he decided that night.

"I don't know, I can't see!"

"Need some help?" Rose and Tentoo popped up and frowned pointedly at the big mess of plastic and metal and hooks and string in the rain.

"I..." said Eleven. Part of him really wanted to say no to prove he could do it, but another part of him felt awful seeing Clara disheveled and grumpy and struggling to tell what was what, and he was a selfless person, wasn't he? "Yes," he sighed.

Ten minutes later (though he preferred to think it was eleven minutes) and the tent was pitched. How often did Tentoo and Rose go camping? Tentoo was a lot like him though, and he did like camping. A lot. Far better than a posh hotel with its honeymoon suites and CCTV and annoying, tanned bodybuilders on poolsides making eyes at your wife who was making eyes back just because you'd had a tiff and she wasn't even interested and they were probably dangerous and-

"Chin?" she snapped him out of his daze.

"Sorry, what?"

"Sleeping bags?"

"Bags?"

"Alright, _bag_, Mr Picky," she said, pulling him back into the TARDIS to retrieve their belongings. His skin burned where she touched, but in a good way. "Do I have to pull you everywhere?"

"You caught me off-guard!" he picked up the airbed and electric pump, which was heavier than their sleeping bag.

"Off-guard?"

"Yeah, way off-guard. You and your... eyes." _Why are you so bad at compliments?!_ he scolded himself.

"My eyes?"

"Yeah. They're all brown, like..."

"Chocolate?" she suggested. _Agree with her, agree with her_ said his brain.

"Mud." _Idiot!_ Clara said nothing. He wanted to punch himself. As it went, he ended up slipping on the mud. He caught himself.

"Stars, are you alright?" Clara turned back when she heard squelches. _Big, chocolate eyes_ was the only thing he was thinking.

"I slipped in the eyes," he said.

"You what?"

"I slipped in the chocolate."

"Still not getting it..."

"Ah-ha! I need eyes because I keep getting lost in your map... I mean... Your eyes distracted me because they're muddy like the mud and I was too busy thinking about mud I didn't notice the chocolate."

"Are you okay?"

"...Do we have any bananas?" he threw the airbed to the floor.

"No muddy shoes in the tent!"

"I think you'll find they're chocolatey shoes," he said, stepping back out and making a note not to go back in the tent in his dirty boots.

"When was the last time you slept?"

"Hard to say living in a time machine. Sleep's boring, how do you do it? I don't know, you humans all baffle me."

"Do I baffle you?" she asked, smirking mischievously and doing her whole proximity routine to confuse him and make him bad at maths... again.

"Did you say waffle?" he spluttered.

"You need to have some sleep."

"Nope, no sleep here, wifey," he said, absentmindedly flicking some switches on the console as he picked up his own suitcase of tweed. "Don't need it."

"Please sleep?" she asked. He realised he hadn't been looking at her.

"Yes, alright, I'll sleep. Later. I'd just better double check the TARDIS," he said, "reconfigure some settings. Block off some signals, you know. Spacey stuff."

"Right. Well, see you in a few minutes," she said.

"Yep," she said. He saw her drag her bag out as he started flicking switches so none of the other Doctors or Jenny or River or maybe Oswin and possibly Jack could summon the machine back without them.

"Having fun then?" Tentoo appeared.

"Funny idea of fun," he muttered, "Ah-ha! Now look at that. That is interesting whatever that is."

"What is?" said Tentoo. Eleven was grinning like a child at the blip and the signal jamming he could see on the monitor.

"Signal jam, something's jamming the signal! Isn't this exciting?"

"Something jamming the signal of the TARDIS? In Norwich?"

"Norwich?" frowned Eleven.

"Aren't we in... It looks like Norwich out there."

"No, the geographical maps don't look anything like it. Can't you sense it?"

"No."

"Well, that's because you are rubbish. We're obviously in Yorkshire."

"No we're not," he said.

"Of course we are, why wouldn't we be? Lots of hills, lots of rain, lots of grass, air smells like beef and factories. Definitely Yorkshire," said Eleven.

"Beef?"

"Yes, and factories. Like I said, _Yorkshire_."

"The stone's wrong for Yorkshire."

"The stone's wrong, _the stone is wrong_, he says," he was playing to an audience who wasn't there, "how would you know if the stone is wrong?"

"Don't you test the stone when you arrive in places?"

"No, why would I do that? That's just silly."

"Because it tastes like metal!"

"Metal?"

"Yes, lots of metal."

"Looks like Yorkshire but tastes like metal..." he said, looking into space. He snapped back to the clone of his past self. "Are you sure it tastes like metal?"

"Yes! Body of a human, apart from the tastebuds. Very Time Lord."

"You've got Time Lord tastebuds? I mean, nevermind," Eleven shook his head and dashed out of the ship, dragging a torch out of his transdimensional pockets to see through the night gloom. _Night gloom_...

"Why is night? We didn't time travel, we went through space, not time. There was no time vortex I saw," he said, dropping to the ground and feeling through the mush for a rock. "Ah-ha! Stone." He licked it and spluttered.

"Metal, told you so."

"Very metal-y. Why is the ground in Yorkshire made of metal?"

"We're not in Yorkshire!"

"Yes we are! We're in Yorkshire made of metal at night and it wasn't night when we left!" he jumped up and down. "Ground feels funny, bouncy." Tentoo jumped too.

"Maybe it's Cornwall."

"We're in Yorkshire, I'm telling you! Look," he got back up and ran into the TARDIS, dragging the monitor to show an ariel view of their location.

"See?" he showed Tentoo.

"Not Yorkshire."

"What do you mean of course it is! It looks just like it!"

"Yeah, looks like it but it tastes like metal? Come on! You say you're the Doctor, you can't even smell a rat when it's right there!"

"But it's night, why didn't we notice it was night?! I did not put in coordinates for night!" he shouted angrily. "It's three in the afternoon!"

"Perception filter."

"Perception filter to stop people noticing it was night? Or just to stop me noticing it was night... We're not in Yorkshire, this," he jumped, "is definitely not Yorkshire and you are not the Doctor, that's me so... _stop thinking_!"

"Thinking?! You can't stop me thinking!"

"Course I can, be quiet. Your head my head, they're linked. Just a tiny link," he held his thumb and forefinger a centimetre apart, "but WHAM! You make one metacrisis and it's all topsy-turvy and I can tell you're thinking and where on Earth - or not Earth - is Clara?"

"Eh?"

"Clara and Rose, where are they?" he ran back outside, "here I am, here we are, shouting and yelling about metal rocks and nobody's come to ask, now why do you think that is? Unless..."

"Unless they're gone..." they both ran opposite directions.

"Wifey?! Sweetheart?! Clary?! Darling?!" Eleven was shouting wildly, he stared around, shining his torch. Everything was so dark. )Dark(. Why was it dark? It was night, yes. Mysteriously, unbelievably and inexplicably so but it was definitely night, but it shouldn't be dark. Not on Earth.

"Rose is gone," he met back with Tentoo, who was looking distressed.

"Yes, so is wifey - Clara - wifey," he changed his mind midway through. "Nevermind. Where's the moon?"

"Sorry?"

"Keep up, keep up! Call yourself a Doctor? Argh! I can hear your confusion like static, all this static, in my head!"

"Sorry!"

"Stop thinking!"

"I can't stop thinking, I think too much, mind of a Time Lord!"

"No, you have the mind of a human! You are a computer with a few extra watts being forced into it. Just human 2.0, Time Lord 0.5."

"It's not there."

"It's... Sorry?"

"The moon, look at the sky, the moon's not there."

"It's not there," said Eleven.

"The moon's not there," said Tentoo.

"It's gone!"

"No, never gone, this isn't Earth. There are stars, but they are not the right constellations..." said Tentoo.

"Where are we?"


	111. She's Dead And You Look Like Her

**AN: Double update today :)**

_She's Dead And You Look Like Her_

Eleven and Tentoo collapsed in the TARDIS, Eleven tapping away on the keyboard of the console room.

"Life signs... Life signs... Life signs..." he muttered to himself. "Rose and Clara... Nope, nothing."

"They're not..?"

"No. Don't be stupid, of course they're not... Look, I'd know if she was... If they were... I'd just know, alright?!" he shouted, getting angry. "I'd know..."

"So would I... So someone's built Earth."

"Yep, because we are in Yorkshire, only look, tiny dents in the surface and the heat signatures? Well they are way off. Look, scale diagram of the planet. What do you see?"

"I'm not your companion," said Tentoo grumpily.

"Of course you are, I'm the Doctor you're... the lesser Doctor. Now, what do you see?"

"Nothing! I mean, that's the core, nice and hot and the crust is cold, like it should be," he said.

"Yes, yes, but what else?"

"I don't..."

"Volcanoes! Lava makes it hot, but look, all these bumps, they're volcanoes. But there's no lava in them, there's no heat, none at all. None except in..."

"Yellowstone," said Tentoo.

"Yellowstone. Yep. It's shooting out heat like a rocket! Looks like it's errupting too!"

"Like a rocket," said Tentoo.

"A rocket."

"The whole planet..."

"Is a rocket..."

"_The whole planet is a rocket!_" they both shouted together.

"But why, where's it going?" asked Tentoo.

"I don't know, I don't even know what system this is."

"Arcturus Nineteen," said Tentoo, "see? There's the Chin of Neeros," he pointed at one of the stars in the image.

"Chin? I'm sure it's the Knuckle of Neeros."

"No, Chin."

"Knuckle!"

"Chin!"

"Knuckle!"

"Oh look, it's the Toe," Tentoo looked at the screen. Eleven followed his gaze. _Toe of Neeros_.

"Bit rubbish. Anyway, why are we in Arcturus Nineteen?"

"No idea, it's an abandoned system..."

"Very abandoned. It's been abandoned since the Time War and all the races died out, in face it's full of excess time energy from the Time Lock."

"We're on the edge of it, aren't we?" said Tentoo.

"Yep, and the TARDIS doesn't like it," he said as some warning lights started flashing. He twisted some dials and shut off the main engines, "can't use her, not until she's leaving."

"So we're stuck on an Earth made of metal in abandoned system being piloted around by a big volcano-rocket..."

"Essentially, yes."

"How were there no life signs?"

"I suppose they've teleported Clara and Rose away from their little robot Earth," said Eleven.

"Teleport?"

"Yes, of course, obviously. How else would they vanish? No life signs for ten miles in either direction. No life signs at all..."

"That can't be, we saw people," said Tentoo, "didn't we..?"

"If a perception filter could make us forget the sun was supposed to be there, who knows what else?" he said.

"We can follow a teleport," said Tentoo, "Jack's VM is still on the table, isn't it?"

"...Yes! I think I can fix it and use it to follow the signal. I'll go locate it, you get the vortex manipulator," Eleven ran out of the TARDIS, brandishing his glowing screwdriver. "Come on..." he muttered. "Ah-ha! Phones!"

"What was that?" Tentoo appeared with the vortex manipulator and a sonic screwdriver. Eleven didn't ask where he got it as the clone tinkered.

"If we're fast we can follow the phone signal before another signal inter - THERE!" Eleven's sonic bleeped quickly, meaning he'd found the signal Clara's phone was giving off. He read out the frequency for Tentoo to sync his own screwdriver and the vortex manipulator.

"Grab on!" Tentoo shouted. Eleven lunged for the wristband and they were dragged through time, a lot like the Doctor had always imagined apparating or using a port key would he like.

And then there was a blue shimmer in his vision and they were on... well, it was definitely a spaceship.

"Wifey!" Eleven exclaimed, only it wasn't. There were no scars, and this version of Clara was wearing a short red dress.

"And then I was..." she'd been mid-sentence to someone else. "Doctor, what's going on?" 'Doctor' snapped him out of his joy. Not Clara. Oswin.

"Sorry, must be something to do with the vortex manipulator," muttered Tentoo.

"I was in London, we were waiting for you, and now I'm here," said Oswin, "where's Rose and wifey?"

"That's what we want to know," muttered Eleven, staring around. "Signal, signal, signal... Argh! The trace is gone. But they must be on board this ship..." he stared around. It was grey and gold and the floor was shiny but absolutely covered in scuff marks, and everything was strangely circular.

"No, really, what is going on?"

"Well, we wanted to camping. But then Rose and Clara vanished," Tentoo began, "and there was no sun or moon and we found out we're in Arcturus Nineteen, we saw the Toe of Neeros."

"Toe? Isn't it Chin of Neeros?" frowned Oswin.

"Nope, TARDIS said Toe," muttered Eleven, frantically searching for any sign of his missing wife.

"So yeah. And it was Yorkshire, but all the rocks tasted like metal and the core of the planet looks more like... Well, more like..."

"An engine?" she suggested.

"Yes, very good, an engine, using Yellowstone volcano as a big blaster, vwookshhh," he made rocket sounds.

"But everything had a perception filter on it, so we didn't notice until it was too late and now they've both been teleported up here," he finished.

"Ah," said Oswin. "Big, metal, spaceship, replica of Earth with - I'm just guessing - no life signs and a perception filter? Who are they trying to trick?"

"Well, humans, obviously," muttered Eleven.

"There aren't any humans," she said.

"Someone. Always someone to trick," he said.

"It's a trap."

"A trap?"

"A trap for you. Great big planet Earth? They've even put it on the edge of the Time Lock to lure you in, classic," she said.

"That can't be, no race knows where the Time Lock starts. They don't have that sort of technology."

"Well, obviously they do. They even baited a phone signal. That frequency is one decibel out of synch to be an Earth mobile," Oswin said. "But I suppose you were too worried about wifey to notice. Or maybe it's because you're not made of sound waves... either-either."

"Oi! She's my wife and I'm in love with her and it's not your problem," he said.

"But it's someone's problem? Wifey's not gonna like you calling her a problem..." she trilled, going to lean against the wall and crossing her arms.

"Oh, shut up. Who's this they?"

"You mean who set the trap and built the bait? It's obvious."

"Is it?"

"The only race apart from the Time Lords who know where the Time Lock begins? The only race who'd go to these efforts to catch the Doctor?" Neither of the Doctors said anything. "Oh come on, they're your prey, they said it themselves."

"No... It can't be... Not her, they can't take her!"

"But Rose..." choked Tentoo. He was a picture of sorrow, Eleven was a picture of rage. He roared and scuffed his boot on the wall. Circles. Wheel marks. Smooth floor.

"They already did," Oswin looked at Eleven darkly, and this was the reason Oswin and Clara were not the same. Clara didn't have the battle-hardened look of death, the knowledge she was not alive anymore, the glint in her eye desperately trying to fight hopelessness. It didn't matter how much they looked alike and it never would, if Clara's eyes ever looked like that, Eleven would know it was not her.


	112. Live Or Die, Oswald

_Live Or Die, Oswald_

"Daleks. It's them. Daleks," he said.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you," said Oswin.

"Find her then! Find both of them!" he yelled at Oswin.

"_Find them_? Find them how?!" she demanded, storming up to him. Eleven stared around, Tentoo was unable to speak, looking for a computer. He found one located on a wall and dragged out his sonic and grabbed Oswin's wrist, pulling her back into the TARDIS.

"You're the same DNA, you must be able to find her!" he argued.

"How are you doing that? You can't touch me, I'm not really here," she said, trying to turn intangible or teleport away. Eleven felt the electrical crackle of static on his palm, but it tickled thanks to his Time Lord adrenaline.

"Don't ask, doesn't matter," he grumbled, "come on, find her!"

"I can't, Doctor! I'm not made of DNA, I'm visible sound!"

"Of course you can't, you hate her, why would you ever help me. Bet you hate me too, for leaving you on that planet, not coming back for your consciousness like Jack," she said.

"I don't hate you, I was prepared to die, I was _already dead_! You did me a favour, not letting me stay there as a Dalek. I'm a lot more alive now," she snapped. "And I don't hate her, either."

"Course you do, look what you did to her face!" he hit buttons wildly, in his hysteria having no clue what he was actually doing.

"That? That was..."

"What, what was it? Don't you dare say accident, Oswin," he growled.

"I don't hate her! I'd find her if I could, you know I can't! Listen to your head!" she pleaded. _She's right and you know it, she can't find Clara_.

"Then what do I do?!" he howled, "how do I get to her? We stay out there, they'll find us!" he gripped Oswin's shoulders and stared into her eyes that were not-quite-Clara's, hoping maybe he could see into that genius mind and pull the answer from her skull.

"Mind patch," he said, storming back out of the TARDIS, still with the lookalike in tow, just to turn back around after snatching the VM back from Tentoo.

"No. Not a mind patch, I'm not getting a mind patch from her!" she argued back. "You can't even do that when she's not here, you'd need her DNA."

"You'll get one if I say so," he said, "the TARDIS will have DNA somewhere."

"You don't even know if she'll survive wherever she is!"

"Mind patches work by electrical impulses. Everyone has electrical impulses in their brain, and you're made of electricity in sound form! And you're almost the same person, the survival rates-"

"Are high, I know that. But there's still a risk."

"Rose will look after her, whatever happens."

"What if they're separated?"

"Then the Daleks will do it! They haven't killed her yet, they need her to get me!"

"So she's bait and you know it so you're gonna go anyway?!"

"Of course I'm gonna go in anyway! But are you going to let me go in blind or are you going to help me save her?!"

"...You know what, I'm the only sane one here!"

"I don't need your consent for this mind patch, I'll do it and throw that vortex manipulator into a super nova after you _save Clara_, then we'll be rid of you."

"Oh. I see. That's the deal, is it? I live or I die? Well maybe I won't survive this mind patch either, maybe it'll burn out the vortex manipulator's circuits. Trying to merge me with a big old anomaly like Clara."

"...I'll put you in the TARDIS, you'll be safe there. Idris, you had better not bloody complain about this!" he shouted up. The console whirred and flashed. "Good."

"No, I... But... You..."

"Oswin, travelling with me there's always a risk. You're a genius, ask yourself this - if I go after her having no idea where she is, is she safer than if I go after her with a guide?"

"I don't need a mind patch to guide you!"

"YES YOU DO!" he screeched, breathing heavily. Oswin looked terrified, taking a step away but struggling with the grasp he had on her hand.

"You're..."

"What, scary? _Good_. I'm very scary," _Especially when Clara's not here,_ he added grimly in his head.

"You wouldn't shout at _her_."

"That's because you're not her! You just look like her and think like her but you're not Clara Oswald and you never will be so just be Oswin and help me now!"

"I..."

"With or without consent, Oswald! Live or die! Your choice!"

* * *

In the Eleventh Doctor's book, Oswin made the right choice. Mind patches were tricky, a telepathic linkup with another's brain, but it should be easier if he could enhance the TARDIS, throw the death risks Oswin's way, refuse to let Clara die because Clara was not dead. Clara could not die, not ever. He wouldn't let her.

"I don't like it," said Oswin. Tentoo had returned to the ship and Oswin was sitting in a chair next the the console prodding her forehead as Eleven studied her.

"Well? Has it worked?"

"I don't know if it's worked yet, give it time. I'm sure she's not dead to say the least - but she is sure not gonna like this..."

"I don't care if she doesn't like it, I care that she's safe, it's not that bad. I'll find a solution later, but right now I have to find Clara and Rose," he said clearly and slowly.

"I'll tell you when it's working, but I'd go find some walkie-talkies if I were you," she advised.

"Walkie-talkies? Oh, right, yes..." he said. He turned to go look for some, but Tentoo was already up and off down the corridors.

"You can't reverse these," said Oswin.

"There's always a way," he murmured. Tentoo came back and tossed one of three walkie-talkies to Oswin, who immediately started fidgeting with the wiring in it and taking a regular screwdriver (Eleven had no idea where she'd gotten it from) to the vortex manipulator.

"What are you doing?" asked Eleven.

"You'll see, I'm sure you'll like it..." she grumbled, clearly not happy. Eleven didn't care if Oswin wasn't happy, he cared if Clara was happy. "Better go then, this won't take long."

"No reversing the mind patch!"

"I can't reverse it! That's like ungrowing a limb. And now you're going to tell me about some race that retract their feet or something..."

"No. Only on a good day. There isn't time."

**AN: I know I said I wasn't gonna do a Dalek plot til the end of the fic, but I have no clue when the fic's gonna end and I wanna write Eleven and Daleks, and I feel it needs another good adventure to keep it Who. I mean, how long has it been? Thirty, forty, _fifty_ chapters?**


	113. Do Daleks Have Sci-Fi?

**AN: Swapping to Clara here for some quickly alternating viewpoints in this very episode-y segment with just five of them on a TARDIS with no extra help. **

_Do Daleks Have Sci-Fi?_

She woke up, having no idea what had happened, her head feeling like a sieve. She and Rose had been teleported - they'd guessed - into some holding cells, and then she'd… what? Fainted?

"_Sort of_," a voice in her head answered. Her thoughts? "_Not quite…_" she ignored it mostly and stared around.

"Are you okay?" Rose asked, hauling her up. They were in the same place. She staggered a little.

"What happened?"

"Dunno, you just collapsed," said Rose.

"My head hurts…" said Clara.

"_Sorry about that_," said the voice in her head. She was probably going crazy. "_Nope. You are definitely not the crazy one…_"

"Who's crazy?" Clara said aloud.

"What?" asked Rose.

"_Your husbandy, of course. Just hold on, do you have a phone on you?_" Clara fished in her pockets.

"Wait, hang on, _Oswin_?!"

"_Yeah. Hoping you wouldn't figure that out so soon… Phone? I really need your phone_."

"Are you in my head? How are you in my head? What are you doing?"

"_Look, this is nothing to do with me, it's all your husband's fault_," she replied.

"Well I can't talk to him, can I? It's not like he has a phone."

"_No, but he has a walkie-talkie. And you have a phone, and I am a genius who knows a thing or two about a lot of things. Phone, now_!"

"Alright, alright!" said Clara, finally retrieving her phone from her pocked.

"What's going on?" Rose asked.

"Don't ask me, I have no idea…"

"_Neither does he… Well it's true_!"

"What?" asked Clara.

"Who are you talking to?" asked Rose.

"_Shut up_!"

"Fine then," said Clara.

"_Not you, Clars… No, she's a ghost. Of course she's alive!… I am not telling her that!… Don't threaten me again!_"

"What? Who's getting threatened?" asked Clara.

"Seriously, what is going on?" asked Rose. Clara shrugged at her and kept listening to the irritating voice in her head.

"_It doesn't matter, Clary. Just forget I said anything_," said Oswin, through gritted teeth. At least, Clara thought it sounded like she'd gritted her teeth. _Yep, teeth are very much gritted_. "_Oh, how many times, no!_"

"What is it?!" demanded Clara.

"_You don't think that's even a tiny bit inappropriate what with us being the same person?!… Close enough! It doesn't matter… No, finding Clara-Wara was the deal, hooking you up had nothing to do with it_!"

"Are you talking to Jack? 'Hooking us up'?" Clara asked, Rose sniggered behind her.

"_Oh, trust me, the truth is far more shocking… Hear that?! Shocking! I could send a shock through you in a minute!_"

"Alright!" said Clara.

"_Not you, your stupid husband._"

"What? Why does he want to hook up with me? I mean, aside from the… you know… obvious…"

"_It doesn't matter, just forget about it until he explains it. You have to hear it all from him when he sees you. Now, call 999._"

"What?!"

"_999, now!_"

"Alright, alright!" Clara dialled the number on her phone, wondering what would happen if she got through to the police. The line clicked on.

"Oh, good. Simple signal interception. Just needed your data trace," Oswin said, her voice now coming out of the phone as well as Clara's head.

* * *

**AN: Back to Eleven.**

* * *

"Have you got through yet?" Eleven said into his walkie-talkie, holding it in one hand as he configured the Dalek computer.

"Ask about Rose, is Rose alright?" Tentoo said into his own talkie.

"Yes, how are they both?" Eleven said, putting the ariel of the device between his teeth and pulling his sonic from his inside pocket to try and get into the Dalek ship, but he'd never been able to hack Skaro-originating tech. He heard a sonic from through the walkie-talkie. "Oi, where'd you get that?"

"The TARDIS practically spits them out," said Oswin. "They don't know. They're fine, but they don't know."

"Good, don't worry them," he said. "Argh! It's all weird out here!" he kicked the wall and gave up on the computer.

"Go somewhere else then," said Oswin.

"You're meant to be my guide," he reminded her. "Got a map yet?"

"Working on it."

"Hurry up, haven't got all day. They could be coming at any moment…" he stared around as though to see one of the Daleks he knew were aboard popping up to kidnap him.

"I had a year to hack the Asylum, you're asking me to do it in five minutes," she exclaimed.

"Well, that's because I know you can."

"Yep, I… Oh, that's weird…" she breathed through the speaker. "Very weird… They've simulated the Earth's orbit, it's even rotating - their equation for the artificial gravity's a bit off though…"

"Probably why the ground was bouncy. But why? They don't have a sun to orbit," he said, ripping the computer input off the wall to expose the wiring. He knelt down in front of it, head right at sink plunger level.

"Hang on," said Tentoo, coming back to himself now Rose's safety had been acknowledged, "how quickly are we rotating exactly?"

"…You're not gonna like this, almost one-hundred thousand miles an hour," she said.

"Not possible," muttered Eleven.

"It's possible, and it's increasing. You're inside the ship though-"

"Ship?" asked Tentoo.

"Great big spaceship. No water on the surface, just lots of ridges and electrolifiers. Looks a bit like the Death Star."

"Oh, brilliant. The Daleks are watching Star Wars now, are they?"

"Here, look at it," she said. Moments later a huge 3D hologram of the Earth-ship they were

on was projected from the dismantled computer in varying shades of orange. "It's meant to be in colour, what have you done?!" Oswin demanded. Eleven glimpsed the eye-like security camera and shifted to stand in front of his mess.

"Nothing, must be you…"

"That's not an orbit," said Tentoo, "if it is the diameter of it's over 900 million light years."

"So… what is it?" Oswin asked.

"Don't know yet…"

"Anyway!" Eleven clapped, "we're the Doctor, we need companions, and by that I mean not you, as pleasant as you are. Sometimes."

"Thanks for the compliment… Stop getting paranoid, I was being sarcastic," Oswin said offside.

* * *

"Now," Oswin began, "can you tell me where you both are?"

"Err," Clara looked around, "a prison cell."

"Brilliant, only eight thousand prison cells. Any more information than that? A handy number on the side of the door?" said Oswin.

"Yeah," said Rose.

"At least one of you's helpful… What is it?"

"There's a sign in the corridor," Rose said, watching the forcefield ripple, "it says 412-974.5AZD," she read aloud.

"412-974.5AZA… 412-974.5AZB… 412-974.5AZE… gone too far… Ah-ha, 412-974.5AZD. Two blips, that's you, and… oh. Company's heading your way. The signal's masked from their sensors, you'll have to mute me."

"Gladly," said Clara. And fear crept through her nerves like being doused in an icy lake when she saw it. Gold and bumped; the lifeless, digital blue of its eye, sticking out of its head on the thin metal stalk; the twisted metal of the weapon protruding from its front; the flickering, blinking lights on either side of its domed top; and the plunger turned bad, shiny and rubber in the dim lights.

"Oswin, I know you can't reply, but tell my husband I hate him."


	114. Get This Break Up Over With

_Get This Break Up Over With_

_On the contrary, other me, I very much can reply. But only in your head._

"YOU ARE NOT THE DOCTOR," croaked the Dalek.

"No, no we're not… Can we go then, now you've worked that out?" said Rose, standing back from the forcefield. Who knew if exterminators could shoot through it? It was their own technology, after all.

"WE WERE LOCKED ON TO THE DOCTOR. WHERE IS THE DOCTOR?"

"Look, we don't know where the Doctor is, you… overgrown squid!" Clara said.

_Overgrown squid? That's all you've got?_ Oswin chimed in.

"IF YOU DO NOT TELL US WHERE THE DOCTOR IS EXTERMINATION WILL BE NECESSARY."

"Oh, extermination? Will it? I…" Clara spluttered, hoping Rose would come to her aid, all the while thinking _Have you hacked it yet?!_

_No, I haven't bloody hacked it yet! Give me a break, you two, with the orders… No! I am trying to save your wife right now, if you want her to die then I'll… Thought so. Sorry about him, Clary…_

_Little help yet, Winny?!_

_Alright, alright! Good thing I know a bit about Daleks. Just repeat everything I say and don't question it!_

"Sector Q-VR99… Red data blip… inefficient binary blind spot…" she repeated.

"What are you telling them?" Rose whispered.

"No cameras… You should probably check that out…"

"THE BETA FEMALE IS CORRECT."

"Oi, who are you calling _beta_?!"

"It has a point, I'm clearly in charge," said Rose.

"Just cos you've been around longer…"

"YOU HAVE 720 REHLS, IF THE PREDATOR IS NOT LOCATED BY THEN EXTERMINATION WILL BE IMMEDIATE," and it hummed as it turned away. They both stared after it before un-muting Oswin.

"What was that you got me to tell it?" Clara asked.

"_Nothing._"

"No, really, _what_?"

"_You'll freak out if I tell you…_"

"Probably, yes. What's your point? You're not telling me a lot, like _why can you talk in my head_?"

"_The Doctor will explain everything, he's on his way. So is the other Doctor. Air vents, typical route._"

"The Daleks have air vents?" asked Rose incredulously.

"_Of course the Daleks have air vents! They're not robots._"

"Right…"

* * *

The Eleventh Doctor could only hear one half of the conversation as he crawled through the air vent behind Tentoo with his screwdriver and his walkie-talkie.

"Wifey says she hates you," Oswin said.

"Eh?" he asked.

"No, really. For not telling her about the Daleks. She told me to tell you she hates you."

"She's arguing with you right now, isn't she?"

"Of course, but I'm ignoring her so _she may as well shut up_."

"There's something really important I have to tell her, something I haven't told her," he said.

"It's not that you love her, is it? You tell her that every ten seconds. Is there even anything left to tell her?"

"Yes, it's something very important and it can definitely under no circumstances wait longer than it takes for me to reach her," he said.

"Shall I direct you the wrong way?"

"No! Don't do that, I have to see Rose!" argued Tentoo.

"Why? Do you have another super important thing to - _I am trying to flirt with your husbands here will you two be quiet?!_ - where was I? Oh, another super important thing to say to her?"

"No, but I still want to see her."

"I can see your pout. Oh, next right in these tunnels. What is this important thing, can I ask? _I can read your mind, Clary. I'm sure he's not asking for_ that… _again_."

"Why, what did she say?"

"Nothing."

"Alright, what did she _think_?"

"She can tell you herself! It was not an image I needed in my head and it's still here now. Why is it still there, Clary? Will you please stop thinking about that!"

"Thinking about what?" asked Eleven.

"Not important. Bit weird - yes it is weird!… Yeah, because _I'm weird_!… So what if I am?… Shut up or I'll start thinking of something gross and weird. See, that got you," Oswin snapped at presumably Clara.

"Can't you hook us up yet?"

"Didn't you already hook up?"

"Alright, link up."

"Like sausages?"

"No, of-"

"_CLARA OSWALD YOU STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT RIGHT THIS SECOND!_… YES! I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU!"

"Hook up, now!"

"Do you want to hook up with me or your wife?"

"Neither! I mean Clara! But not like that! Well not like that right now-"

"Is hooking up with her this important thing you have to ask?"

"_No!_ Just connect the phone to the walkie-talkies!"

"No."

"Why?"

"Don't wanna."

"I hate you."

"You hate Clara? _That's_ the important thing? Oh my stars… Hold on, let me tell her…"

"No, Oswin! Don't you dare! Or I'll-"

"Bombs away!" she said, and he and Tentoo both dropped through the floor of the air vent.

"Thanks for the warning…" grumbled Tentoo, "I think my face is broken…" Eleven leapt to his feet just in time to see Rose helping him to his feet and telling him it was just a graze. Rose was in a good mood for seeing him, but his eyes found Clara and she was glaring. He hadn't really expected her to be pleased to see him… Oh, who was he kidding? Of course he'd been expecting her to burst out in a smile and run up to him. But he instead got death stares.

"Wifey… Look, old school tweed!" he could think of nothing else to do except twirl in his lighter coloured blazer.

"You're gonna break up with her, aren't you?" Oswin said out of three separate speakers.

"Eh? What? No, of course not!" he found the security camera in the corner shaped like an eye with a little blue dot and glared at it.

"So what is this important thing? Because she's been thinking all sorts," said Clara darkly.

"The important thing, which," he swept over to her and held her hand, "if I didn't already mention is a very important thing. Really, probably the most important thing anybody's said to anybody else-" he was momentarily distracted by her dimples when she giggled at his babbling "…where was I? Oh yes, how important it…"

"What? Chin, what is it?" she asked.

"There may be a tiny, little… Dalek. Behind you," he said, looking over the top of her head.

"Is that it? Well you really are-"

"No, there really is a Dalek. Behind you. Oswin?! Get this forcefield down now, and do… Do…"

"Do what?!"

"DO SOMETHING CLEVER!"

"Oh, I was just waiting for you to ask, Chin Boy."

"Oi!" said both of whouffle to her.

"Ha! Well, that is one serious design flaw. Can't be bothered building field receptors? Well that means I can do this!" the forcefield holding him in the cell moved to cross paths in front of the Dalek, leaving their route free, "and it's just a case of using the emergency codes to rewire the biological scanner to mimick their forcefield against them." The blue field pulsed and turned green.

"Do we really need a commentary?" Clara asked.

"Doesn't matter, run!" shouted Eleven, making a dash for the empty corridor as the Dalek shot at the forcefield. He heard the backfired shot make the creature explode behind him, and felt the usual pang. No death was without guilt, even a Dalek.

"Gonna tell me this thing yet?!" Clara shouted as they ran and Daleks croaked over the tannoys of the ship.

"Maybe, I don't know. Oswin, which way are we supposed to be going?!"

"Just keep going straight, I'll tell you when turn!"

"Hello? Important thing?! They're not gonna stop attacking us if you do or don't tell me!"

"Ah, yes. See, wifey, the thing is, I realised -" and there was a huge explosion on his right and he was too distracted to do anything but pull Clara out of the way.

"Will you two hurry up?!" Tentoo demanded.

"Yep, better do that!" he kept running with her hand. "Your hand is really soft, you know?"

"SHUT UP AND RUN!" Oswin shouted seemingly from everywhere at once. "You are _so_breaking up with her."

"Am not!" he said, speeding up.

"She's really paranoid, you better tell her this think soon."

"I'm not paranoid!"

"And I'm not dumping her!"

"Ah, I see. You just 'need some space', is that it? You're gonna take a break? Everyone knows that's just the baby's way of dumping a girl!"

"Did I say I was breaking up with her?!"

"No, but I can tell you're thinking it. Left, now!" Oswin shouted. Eleven veered around, making sure Clara was alright before continuing. "I'm psychic."

"No you're not!" Clara said.

"Really? Want me to tell husbandy what you're thinking right now?"

"Are you gonna tell me why she's in my head yet?!" Clara demanded of him, "is that the important thing?!"

"Go right."

"No, that's not the thing! And I'm also not breaking up with you because I'm - DUCK!" an exterminator ray shot past them all. "In love with you!"

"I'D NEVER HAVE BLOODY GUESSED!" Rose screamed at them both.

"Stand completely still, all of you!" Oswin said. "Now, if I said I was sorry about this I'd be lying." And they all fell through the floor.


	115. Hell Of A Curve Ball

**AN: Wow, I have been writing a LOT recently. I just like this plot, okay? And I have an idea to use to annoy my anti-whoufflepuff friend who inadvertently told me the CUTEST whouffle thing with only mild and temporary tragedy involved. Good, eh? I can't believe I've managed to pull out a plot for so long without it getting dull.**

_Hell Of A Curve Ball_

"Rubbish chute. Of course it had to be the rubbish chute," said Clara. Eleven was so overcome with excitement about being in the waste disposal he'd almost forgotten to catch his wife, but he did catch her. _That'll get you in her good books_, said his subconscious voice.

"You sound upset, why would you be upset? Look where we are!" he tried to spin in the metal and liquid. "You can tell a lot about a person from their rubbish. For example," he reached down and picked up a huge metal frame-like structure dripping fuel. "Ooh, nasty fuel leak, but this is… Uh-oh… This is…"

"What is it? And what do you have to tell me?" Clara asked again.

"Wifey, what would happen if you had a ball, cricket ball, let's say, and you threw it?"

"I-"

"It would slow eventually, can't go on forever because there's lots of forces in action. Gravity, for instance. But what if there was no gravity, or any forces at all, and you threw a ball?"

"It would go on forever," she said.

"Exactly. Say, for example, in my hand I have the exhilary stabilisers and without these this ship we're on is going to rocket out of control and crash into the nearest thing and nothing can slow it down."

"This ship is gonna crash?!"

"Quite possibly. In fact, it's very likely. Looks like they've done quite a good job of removing it though, sealed off the circuits," he eyed the wires. "Stolen ship, as usual. Stolen and pushed and broken to look like Earth. We've got one hell of an interior designer on our hands."

"This ship's been modified to crash into something," Tentoo said, "on purpose."

"Exactly, but into what?"

"Nobody gonna say thank you to me for shutting off the compactors?"

"No," said Eleven, grinning boyishly at Clara. How beautiful he thought she was, stood to her waist in Dalek throwaways and old rocket fuel.

"So, what's this important thing?" she raised her eyebrows.

"What? Oh, now? In here? No, bad place," he said, the smell wafting into his nose.

"What? A minute ago you said you liked it!"

"I did? I did. Yes, I do like it. But it's not right for… nevermind…" he said, helping her out of the door Oswin had just unlocked to follow Rose and Tentoo.

"I smell a break up," Oswin sang.

"I smell… I don't want to know what I smell," said Clara.

"You smell fine, wi - oh, actually, showers are in order when we get back," he said, crinkling his nose at her pong.

"_Stop it Clara!_" Oswin shouted through the walkie-talkie.

"Stop what? What were you thinking of? I love you, I wish I could kiss you," he said, his topic jumping catching her off-guard, "Actually, best not, scars and all. Plus, you sort of fell, a bit, in the… Well, you didn't want to know what it all was. Yes, showers and tooth brushing. And Martha checking those cuts, how about some proper medicine?"

"You're talking quickly, that means you're trying to avoid the subject," she said, "the subject of this important thing."

"Oh, that? Well it is incredibly, superbly, _unbelievably_ important. But time and a place wifey, because - if my (and by my I mean Oswin's) calculations are correct - we are at the engine!" he pulled her around the corner and they were faced with -

"No," said Tentoo, "how could they get this? How could they do this?"

"Is that…" said Eleven, "it is…"

"It's a warp star," said Tentoo, "a warp star. Where would they get a warp star?!"

"Jack…" muttered Eleven. "Guess a few of them survived your genocide." He glared at Tentoo. Normally, his mass genocide of the Daleks wasn't spoken about. In fact, not one single person had addressed it since his arrival. Eleven was the first.

"It was the only solution!" Tentoo roared. Eleven said nothing, but kept staring in awe at what was in front of him. A warp star, a frozen explosion. But someone had set it off, slowed it down to a billionth of what it should be, and they were using it to power a ship shaped like a planet on a 450,000,000 light year curve rotating at over one hundred thousand miles an hour.

"Oswin, how fast is the ship travelling?" Eleven asked very quietly, he was suspicious of how deserted the smooth catwalks were, "not rotating, travelling."

"You won't like it…"

"No…" he sighed, "go on."

"Nearly five thousand times the speed of light," she confided.

"Ah. That's bad. And what's maximum capacity?"

"5200 times the speed of light."

"How long until we reach maximum capacity?"

"Twenty minutes. If you're lucky. Something's made it increase though… This technology's weird, definitely not Dalek. Replica Earth doesn't seem very Dalek either. Why would they need you?" Oswin asked. "Actually, you four are soaked in time energy. Bad Wolf, the Impossible Girl, the Doctor and the Metacrisis?"

"Yep, lots of time energy on here all right," said Tentoo, "not quite enough, you'd need one more little spark of it to reach those speeds though… One more spark of time energy…"

"One thing that survived…"

"One thing crazy enough to attempt this…"

"Attempt what?" Rose asked, "she is right, you're not telling us anything, the pair of you." But Eleven ignored her. One thing. One small, crazy thing, not quite a Dalek but never anything else, one thing coated in time energy, more time energy than maybe even the Doctor, and all of it by accident. Old words echoed in his ears. _Emergency temporal shift._

"Oswin, what's so off about the technology?" Eleven asked.

"I… Well, I don't know. It's Dalek, but not any sort of Dalek I'm familiar with. Dalek but not Dalek."

"Oh, that's good," said Tentoo, "well, I say good. Bad. Very, very, _very_ bad."

"Sounds bad," muttered Rose.

"It's incredibly bad, no point down playing the situation," he said, sweeping away to look for some thing, some place on the replica Earth that would be a good control panel. Well, there could only ever be one place, couldn't there?

"We'll split up," Eleven said to Tentoo.

"Are you sure?"

"Sure I'm sure. Slow down the process, separating off. At least I hope it will. You two stay down here and keep an eye on the warp star, find a computer. Oswin, you… Stay in the TARDIS."

"Really? I thought I'd nip out for some eggs and milk. Perhaps bake a soufflé. I can hear them banging at the door, you know," she told him.

"Yep, stay completely still. Safe there, they can't get in. Now, come along wifey."

"Tell me what's going on?" she asked him as they walked away from Rose and Tentoo. He truthfully had no clue if splitting up would give them the time they needed upstairs, but he thought it worth a shot. They were both more or less equidistant from the TARDIS and their one way out, to say the least.

"Question for a question, wifey."

"Alright, _what's going on?_"

"Too broad! Not enough time."

"Fine! Why can I hear Oswin in my head?" she asked.

"Oh, that? Well, I… You'll be angry!"

"Chin, what did you do?"

"I… Ask her!"

"I only agreed to it because you threatened to kill me!" Oswin shouted through the walkie-talkie.

"I needed a way to find you, so I gave you a mind patch, okay?! It only worked so well because… Well, because you're so similar. You're psychically linked," he finally said.

"Forever?"

"Maybe."

"Can you get rid of it?"

"Hard to say."

"Have a try."

"Yes. Possibly. I don't know, I'll look into it, but not here and not now, does that answer you? I'm sure there's some clever signal blocking thing she can do."

"So what's your question?"

"My… Oh, right. _That_ question…"

"Why, what question did you think I meant?"

"Forget I said that. Now, Coo, have you ever wanted to see New York?"


	116. Cahn It Be Possible?

_Cahn It Be Possible?_

Eleven and Clara were stood in a stupidly small and compact lift that was uncomfortable for even a couple such as them, and in that moment Eleven was glad he didn't have Jack on the trip with them. He'd caused enough trouble leaving that warp star where the Daleks could get it.

"Why are we going to replica New York?"

"Because that is where Dalek Cahn will be, right at the top of the Empire State Building. Bit reminiscent for a Dalek, but you can't really fault him. Not for that, anyway," said Eleven. "Sorry, I haven't asked, how have you been?"

"How's my face, you mean?"

"Are you angry at me? Is it because I didn't tell you about the mind patch? I'm sure we can do something about her," he said, wishing he could bend down to reach her eye level, but they were stuck in a tube with just room to uncomfortably fit a Dalek - if Daleks could be uncomfortable.

"I'm not angry, I'm just... scared," she said. "Daleks scare me."

"Daleks scare me, too, wifey."

"Did you threaten Oswin?" asked Clara. Eleven didn't say anything. Of course, it didn't matter how much they seemed to hate one another, if he admitted to threatening Oswin's afterlife, he would definitely be out of Clara's good books. "Doctor?" _This is serious,_ said his mind. It was almost annoying how there wasn't a rule against her calling him Doctor, but there was against him calling her Clara.

"You don't want to know the answer to that question," he said. Oswin still didn't chip in with anything.

"Oh my stars, you did! You were gonna kill her!" Clara said. Eleven could tell if she could she would have taken a step back.

"I... I don't know," he said, slumping. "I don't think I could."

"You say that like it's a weakness, not being able to kill."

"I can kill, just not someone who looks like you," he said. What was the point in lying? The lift dinged. "Wow, even this lift's New-Yorky. Welcome to Manhatten, wifey!"

"No, you can't just say things like that and act like they're okay!"

"I'm not acting like... I'm... I know it's... Let's go visit Cahn, shall we? Love a good catch up. Maybe I'll get that cup of tea the Daleks owe me," he said. He didn't have an answer for her she'd like, but he didn't want to lie to her either. They were on a big, but completely empty street. There were empty, shell-like yellow cabs and the huge billboards that were usually flashing were dead. Unless they were only there for appearance. "Now where is the Empire-"

"Will you please talk to me?!"

"Can we talk later? Something very bad is about to happen and we have to stop it. Come on," he took her hand again and lead her to the tower. "I don't like New York anymore, do you? After the Daleks and the Angels. Hope there aren't any angels here. Don't see why there... Actually, lots of time energy around here... If you see any statues, don't blink."

"What? You think there are angels here?" she asked.

"Maybe, dunno. Lots of time energy for them to feed on, who knows how many thousand time travellers? Seven, at least. And a TARDIS. Definitely Daleks though, but hopefully Oswin could deactivate them."

"If she hadn't got that mind patch, she'd be dead now, wouldn't she?"

"If she hadn't got the mind patch you'd be dead, too," he said darkly.

"So you're admitting you'd have killed her..?"

"I don't know! Can we not talk about this?! Not now."

"Because it's difficult and you don't talk about difficult things? Sometimes you have to talk to someone."

"You weren't there, and Amy wasn't there, and Rory wasn't there, and River wasn't there! The only person there was someone I'd seen commit genocide!" he was getting angry now. "I'm sorry, but I'm stressed!"

"What exactly are you stressed about?!"

"Lots of things! Like... Like nevermind! You'll find out soon enough!"

"You are breaking up with me, aren't you!?"

"No! How many times, she is putting thoughts in your head! I love you, I'm telling you that now and I need you to trust me! I promise, you'll know everything soon!"

"...What's Cahn doing?" she asked as he sonicked the door to the building open. The decor was perfectly 1930s, while the rest of the city was modern. It was even incomplete at the top.

"Where are we, Clary?" he asked, messing around with the reception.

"Sorry?"

"What system are we in? Go on, have a look outside. No sun, no moon, different stars..."

"This is Arcturus Nineteen isn't it? And... there's the Chin of Neeros," she said, looking in awe at the sky. Eleven was momentarily distracted by her.

"Yes, Chin of Neeros. Very much," he smirked. "But what's the next system? The nearest, inhabited system next to Arcturus Nineteen. Well, it used to be inhabited..."

"Kasterborous..." she said, wide eyed. She looked at him. _You're drowning in chocolate!_ his brain told him. "...isn't he?"

"Sorry, what?"

"He's trying to break the Time Lock!"

"I love you, Oswald," he said, "my little genius!" he jumped over the desk and couldn't resist spinning her in a circle.

"Thanks very much, Chin Boy," sniggered Oswin.

"He doesn't mean you," said Clara. "But wait, can you explain it to me? Why did he need a replica Earth to smash the Time Lock?" he finally got the lift open and pulled her inside.

"Don't tell Jack about all these small lifts," he whispered.

"If course she won't, but I will," said Oswin.

"Oi! You should be at work on the engines with the others," said Eleven. "So, the Earth's a cricket ball and the Time Lock is a window, and he's getting it so fast by... well, by not doing good things."

"Please explain."

"That warp star explosion isn't the engine, I was wrong. That's not even a warp star, that's some serious stolen time travel technology and this whole ship, it's... Well, it's a paradox machine. There are two Daleks on board, Cahn and another. I don't know where it's from, but it's been duplicated a thousand times and their machine has exploded and they've slowed it down."

"What, seriously?"

"Very seriously! Oh look, nearly on the top floor. I was just beginning to like Dalek Cahn too. I wonder if he's trying to destroy the universe or bring back the Daleks..."

"What, can't you tell?"

"No, unfortunately... Anyway, going up."  
"Wait - what's this important thing you keep putting off talking to me about?"

"Wifey! Now is not the time, really. We're about to save the universe!"

"Sorry, but you made it seem like quite an important thing that was also very urgent!"  
"It is important, and urgent, but it won't be at all if we don't survive the next..." he lifted his wrist and checked his watch, "thirteen minutes."

"Wow, thirteen. Aren't we lucky?"


	117. Self-Obsession Reaches New Heights

_Self-Obsession Reaches New Heights_

"Ah-ha! Thought so, here you are," Eleven said, sticking his floppy head out of the lift door to see the easily recognisable and demented Dalek Cahn taking prowess in the midst of a group of identical Daleks the Doctor could tell (though only because he was a Time Lord) were the same one brought through varying paradoxes so Cahn could generate the time energy he needed. At the other end were rows and rows of computers and controls to fly the ship they were on, though Eleven could tell from one glance they were in complete as they flickered.

"WELCOME, DOCTOR," said Cahn in his high pictched wail, "I SAW YOU HAVE BORN A NEW CHILD OF TIME."

"Born her? No, married her, more like. This is Clara Oswald, she's my wife now. I have a wife. Well, another wife," said Eleven. "Not going to shoot me? I've come to stop your plans."

"I AM DOING YOU A FAVOUR, DOCTOR," said Cahn.

"What? Favour? Me? No. You're going to blow up the universe!"

"I AM GOING TO UNITE DALEKS AND TIME LORDS AND PREVENT THE DESTRUCTION OF OUR RACES, DOCTOR!"

"You what? No, it doesn't work that way. You can break the Time Lock, that's the easy part-"

"IT WAS NOT EASY, DOCTOR."

"No, probably not. But compared to breaking the Time Lock and _not_ destroying the universe, it's pretty straight forward."

"THAT DOES NOT MATTER, DOCTOR," said Cahn, "IF YOU TRY TO STOP US THE FEMALE WILL BE EXECUTED." Eleven felt anger ripple through him as he stepped in front of Clara. Unlike Amy would have, she didn't declare she didn't need protecting.

"You won't hurt her," he said.

"NO, YOU WILL."

"What? No I won't," he said.

"_The Doctor there? Come in, the Doctor_," the walkie-talkie spurted Tentoo's voice. Eleven pulled out the device and clicked it down.

"Doctor here, receiving you Doctor, over," he said.

"_Spotted a fatal design flaw down here,_" said Tentoo, "_Seems to me this isn't a warp star._"

"Yes, it's a TARDIS. Sorry, forgot to mention. Not my TARDIS though. Got any leads yet on stopping this thing yet?"

"_Yes. No. A bit. Give me five minutes_."

"Lucky, you've got six," Tentoo left the line. "So, I'm sure I've got enough people on the case downstairs. What's say we have a look up here?"

"THE PROCESS IS TOO FAR GONE, DOCTOR, FOR EVEN YOU TO STOP IT!"

"Yep, obviously. Come on, wifey," he said, running off to look around at the computer screens.

"DOES SHE KNOW, DOCTOR?" Eleven looked up at Cahn.

"Know what?"

"THE TRUUUTH," he sang. Eleven didn't like the sound of Daleks singing.

"The truth? What do you mean, the truth?" he straightened up and straightened his bow tie as Clara glanced between him and Cahn.

"I HAVE FORESEEN-"

"Yeah, I don't care what you've foreseen. What are you talking about?"

"SHE WILL DIE, ONE DAY, DOCTOR," said Cahn.

"Really? I hadn't guessed. You'll die one day, Cahn. So will I… probably. I can't go on forever," he said.

"AND IT WILL BREAK YOUR HEART…"

"Heart? No. No, I don't think so. _Hearts_, yes, very much," he grinned at Clara, who smiled back. "You owe me so many kisses, I hope you know that."

"It is not my fault I look like I've been attacked by a werewolf," she said.

"Oh, don't talk about werewolves. I've met a werewolf, not very pleasant creatures," he said, returning to the computer. "Ah. That's a big problem."

"What is?" she asked, coming to look over his shoulder.

"No brakes. And the accelerator's locked. Actually I can slow it down a bit, hang on," he searched for his sonic and zapped a big stick prodding out of the ground a few feet away. It moved back and clunked on its own, the ship jerking about.

"What have you done? Eight minutes now," said Oswin in the speaker.

"Just fixed the accelerator. No brakes though," he said, "calling the Doctor, bought you some time."

"_I said five minutes!_"

"But you meant ten," said Eleven, "getting on well down there?"

"_Fine and dandy down here, what about you?_"

"Just having tea, aren't we, Cahn?" Eleven said. "Gotta go."

"YOU WILL HELP US, DOCTOR."

"No I won't. Bring back the Time Lords so they can wage war on the universe? No thanks. Why d'you think I ran away?"

"I WILL REMODEL THE DALEKS AFTER MYSELF," he declared, "I HAVE ALREADY STARTED HERE."

"You've already…" he stared around, "I am so slow! And thick! I thought there were two Daleks, but there aren't! There's just one! One Dalek Cahn in the biggest paradox in the universe, a paradox so huge even a paradox machine couldn't hold it! And… the stabilisers! You didn't take those off, did you? No, because this ship-"

"-It's stolen! They were repairing it when the paradox machine exploded! He had to slow it down and go too early. It's not ready yet," said Oswin.

"THE DOCTOR WILL FIX IT."

"The Doctor will not, neither of us will," said Eleven.

"BUT DO YOU NOT SEE YOU ARE ALREADY HELPING BY BEING HERE?"

"Not really, I think you'd have a way easier time of it if I wasn't here. I'm anti-helping, if you like," he said. "Anyway, you're plans a bit rubbish. Of course by rubbish I mean it's a very good plan, only you're trying to blow up the universe."

"THE DOCTOR IS BEING A HYPOCRITE."

"Hyp… Me? A _hypocrite_?"

"You are a bit, Chin," said Clara. He shot her a look and pulled his blazer back to where it was meant to be and sorted out his sleeves.

"Just blow him up," Oswin said.

"Who are you talking to? Me or Cahn?" muttered Eleven.

"Clara."

"I am gonna _kill_ you for that later!"

"I meant Cahn, obviously. If you kill him, any of him, the paradox will break, won't it? They'll all blow up and the TARDIS will be free to move to you and pick you up before you all die," she said.

"I… It cannot possibly be that simple! If they blow up-"

"Then that explosion powering the ship will basically cease to exist and we'll slow down and freeze to death. Unless we escape. I think I can fly the TARDIS."

"TARDIS can fly herself," said Eleven.

"THE DOCTOR WOULD NOT WIPE OUT A WHOLE SPECIES. AGAIN."

"Oh, humour. Don't like it, doesn't suit you. And that wasn't even me, it was the Metacrisis downstairs."

"When Oswin read those coordinates, what was she telling them?" Clara asked.

"What? Oh, that. Just the location of the TARDIS. They can't get in, it's fine. You know, I wouldn't be sure I'm the only thing you have to worry about. Could be some very hungry angels here. If they send one of you back in time, they'd have an insane amount of energy to feed off. Unless they're smart enough to stay away," said Eleven.

"Five minutes," said Oswin. Suddenly the whole ship lurched and Eleven was dragged to the floor, spread out flat against it with no way to get back to his feet.

"_Sorry, just fixing the gravity stabilisers… And we're back_," he said, and Eleven jumped to his feet and helped Clara up.

"One problem with you're 'blow him up' plan… We don't have a weapon," said Eleven.

"Two minutes. Must be weapons on here… Something I can… Ah-ha! Be with you in a moment." Down the line Eleven heard the thrumming TARDIS, and then next to him he heard the thrumming TARDIS.

"Oswin, what are you doing..?" asked Eleven suspiciously.

"You'll thank me… You'll hate me, but you'll thank me… If this works, that is," she said, opening the TARDIS door. "Remember me, Cahn? Or am I from a different time? I blew up the Dalek Asylum, I was the genius you made into a Dalek, and I've stolen a Time Lady's sonic blaster." And she shot, and Eleven ducked down behind the computers with Clara for shelter as millions of explosions roared through the ship all at once.

"NOW MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME FOR THAT IMPORTANT THING?!" Clara shouted as shrapnel and heat flew past them and the Daleks screamed and wailed and the paradox died and the floor was torn away beneath them. They stooped to run for the TARDIS with its open door and beckoning but murderous inhabitant.

"OH YEAH! Well, wifey, we - NOOO!"


	118. She Smiles In Her Sleep

_She Smiles In Her Sleep_

Eleven was sat in the TARDIS medibay. He was acutely aware of the people occasionally coming into the room to see what was going on, but he had no idea how much time was passing. Maybe time wasn't passing. He hoped time wasn't passing.

He was with Clara, and she looked awful. Beautiful still in her own way and certainly not ugly, but she was wrapped like a mummy in bandages that Martha must have changed twice already as he stayed sat there, unmoving.

There had been a Dalek outside the TARDIS. He hadn't noticed. It had exploded right next to Clara, and now she was in a hospital bed with one proper doctor and a nurse and a handful of wannabes who knew more about machinery than how to treat burn and shrapnel injures. And all the while, as the Eleven Doctor was forced to endure the torture and make one of the hardest decisions of his life, he couldn't help but feel guilt and pain.

Clara Oswald was twenty-four years old. He was quite sure she was going to die and only the advanced equipment was keeping her alive, and he had so much he still wanted her to see and so much he wanted to say and he'd kept putting it off for Dalek Cahn, no less. It would cost him twenty-four years of his own life to save her. In fact, it would cost him her exact age, to the second. It would be easy for him to do it, he wouldn't think it a waste at all, but Clara would. But he could heal her scars, too, and get rid of the mind patch. Almost a regeneration. He knew he could save her, but would she leave him? Surely not… Surely she could see what he'd done, how selfless he was being…

River had done it for him, and he didn't hate her for it. But she didn't like when he'd fixed her wrist, but this was far more than a wrist or an injury that could naturally be alright.

* * *

Rose visited Clara twice over the course of two days. Two completely silent days, in mourning. Everyone knew what Eleven was thinking, but nobody had offered him any guidance.

"Do you think she'll be okay?" Rose asked Tentoo. She was sat on the sofa, staring wide-eyed and unsleeping into the fire. She hadn't slept for the whole time, either. Just brief, scattered naps throughout an unknown stretch of being.

"If he heals her, yes. If he doesn't…" he said, stroking her hair. "I'm sorry, Rose."

"There was nothing you could do, we were in the engine," she said.

"Well I think you should talk to him. I think he'll listen to what you have to say," said Tentoo.

"He's blanking everyone, he hasn't said a word. Hasn't even moved," she said.

"I'm sure he's listening, even if he doesn't reply," said Tentoo, "I believe in you. You can help him. You can help both of them."

"I'll go then…" she stood weakly and yawned against her will as she walked, dreary eyed and sore-footed, through the cold corridors until she got to the medibay where Clara's unmoving form was still in her bed and Eleven was sat nobly by her side. She pulled up a chair and sat next to him as he watched Clara, hardly blinking.

"Have you decided if you're going to heal her yet?" Rose asked. As usual she got no response. No point in not trying though, as Tentoo had said, he was probably still listening. "If it was me and the Tenth Doctor, or his clone, whichever, I wouldn't have let them heal my black eye." That got a flash in his eyes. "No point wasting life on something that'll be fine and forgotten in a few weeks. I'd be furious if they healed it, actually. Maybe the scars, I would have let them do. She might have let you fix her scars eventually, I don't know. But if I was in a coma, and I was going to…"

"Die," he supplied for her. His first word in days, and it was 'die'. Could that even be counted as progress.

"…Yeah, that. If I was gonna die, I'd want them to help me. I'd feel selfish, but… it's human nature. One day, Doctor, she won't be here, and giving up time of your life in hundreds of years won't have made a single difference to the amount of time you've spent with her, or any of us."

"What should I do, Rose?" he croaked, looking at her brokenly, tears crawling down his cheek, his eyes blotchy and so watery they mirrored Rose Tyler's pity.

"I'd go for it. She might be a bit… miffed… for a bit. I'll talk to her for you though. But I really think that you should heal her. Maybe lie about the years though. Tiny white lie."

"Thank you, Rose…" he said, then he resumed his staring. She stayed there for a while, it was strangely peaceful, but decided to give him space to make up his mind and left for her abode in their large living room, where there was thankfully hot chocolate waiting for her.

* * *

He was still conflicted when Rose left, but he knew Clara was running out of time. After Rose had come to help him, it seemed others wanted to offer advice. Amy came and sat, but he didn't know what she said. River had hovered in the corner. Eleven thought she'd said the same as Rose, but he couldn't be sure. Ten and Nine had said nothing. Martha had said nothing. Mickey told him to do it. Jenny offered her own regeneration energy, but he'd refused to let her throw away her own life for Clara. And then it was Jack's turn.

"I could give her some of my blood, you know. I'm pretty sure it'll work, there's that much time energy," he said.

"No, Jack. It's me or nobody."

"I'd do it for Jenny," said Jack, "if it were the same."

"Am I the person you should be talking to about this?" said Eleven.

"I feel like I can't live without her, Doc. I was thinking of proposing, actually," Jack confided.

"Really? Well, go for it, I'd say," he muttered, "what could go wrong? It doesn't work out. Marriage doesn't change that, just means people put in more effort."

"Tenth Doctor wouldn't say that," said Jack, "I don't think you would, normally."

"Probably not, no," said Eleven, "…You have my blessing, Jack. Remember to invite me, whenever it happens."

"What, really? Well I think you should heal her. Get her a really nice present though, when she wakes up," said Jack. Eleven laughed once.

"Do me a favour, Captain. Go get Rose, and Amy. Oh, Oswin too."

"Sure, Doc."

* * *

Three hours later Eleven, Rose, Oswin and Amy had returned from their venture outside the TARDIS, leaving Rory, Jack and Martha to watch Clara and make sure she didn't wake up. Eleven didn't say why it was important she didn't yet wake up, but assured them she'd be fine now. She just couldn't wake up yet, so they were under strict sedation orders. The medicals hadn't really approved of this, but he'd won the argument. He watched Clara sleep when he got back, and smiled. _Everything was going to be fine_, he thought to himself. And for once he believed it.


	119. Eternity Is A Long Time

_Eternity Is A Long Time_

Clara opened her eyes and blinked. As far as she could tell the lights around her were blinding. The first though that popped into her head was, regrettably, _am I dead?_. She had no idea what death was like, but she wasn't in any pain and she felt fine. Fine physically, that is. Emotionally, she felt like her heart had been ripped out because she remembered the Doctor had been about to tell her his important thing that he'd kept putting off. If she were dead, she'd never get to hear it. She'd never get to hear his voice again at all, or see him, or kiss him, or smell him, or anything.

Instinctively, she reached up to touch the scars on her face. The scars holding memories of him, but she wouldn't tell him that because he'd make it seem like a bad thing, when it wasn't. But there were no scars. Definitely dead then, she thought.

"Clara?" said a voice. Well, of course she was dead. Or in a coma. He wouldn't call her Clara in real life, she'd made him promise never to. She didn't bother replying to a ghostly echo in some disused part of her psyche. "Clary? Wifey?" he repeated. _Okay… Now I'm confused…_ she thought, expecting a snappy retort or a patronising explanation like Oswin would give her, but Oswin was gone.

Clara realised her eyes weren't actually open, the light was forcing itself against her lids painfully. She reached up to rub them open and stared around, blinking quickly to stop the floaters blotching her vision. All she could see was pale blue and big yellow blobs, but everything was so defocused she could be watching someone in a blue suit eating a banana for all she knew.

"Ah, you are awake. Are you alright, my Impossible Girl?" he said. The Doctor appeared in front of her, but she couldn't really see his face. Why were her eyes so painful if she was already dead? She was probably in hell, she decided. Why else would she be being taunted by the love of her life? She didn't reply, she wouldn't indulge the spook. "Hello? Wifey? Are you ignoring me because I called you Clara, because that was a slip of the tongue."

"Tongue…" she repeated dazedly.

"Really? You reply when I say 'tongue'? I wonder if you have a concussion… No idea. I wonder what effects… Never mind," he muttered. "So you can hear me. Are you okay?… You really do have to speak to me though, wifey."

"Am I dead?" she blurted out rudely. Things were focusing a little more now, it seemed she was looking at fish behind him.

"No! I mean, not… _No._ You're not dead," he said. "I… Because… That doesn't matter."

"You're still not answering my questions," she grumbled hoarsely. Tiredness was clinging to her, almost like she'd been anaesthetised. "If you're not just a dream, answer me."

"You won't like the answers," he said, looking at the floor. He was sitting in front of her. As far as she could tell, she was in a wheelchair.

"I don't care. What happened with Cahn?"

"You… There was an explosion next to you, a Dalek. I had to save you, you were… well, you… you died. But you're not dead now, because I saved you…" he admitted. Of course she was touched, and she was glad, but… She still didn't want him to waste his life on her. "Rose said you'd be angry at me, and Jack said I should get you a really nice present."

"Where are we?"

"What? Oh, this?" he stared around, "don't you recognise it? I thought you would."

"No, really. Where?"

"I thought the yellow sharks are a bit of a giveaway, wifey…" he said gloomily. _Yellow sharks, of course!_, she thought.

"We're on Squam, aren't we?" she said. He grinned.

"Yes."

"And I'm in a wheelchair. Do I have legs?" she asked. He frowned.

"Course you have legs, wifey! And that was only so I could bring you out here and show you it when you woke up. Why settle for a boring medi-bay ceiling when you can have this?" he waved his arm behind him and stood up. Then he picked her up and carefully set her on the floor opposite him. She could see now.

"What's wrong?" she asked him, taken his hands in hers without realising, and staring into his haggard face. "You look awful."

"You told me to sleep the other day. I… haven't slept," he smiled sadly.

"_Other day_? How long have I actually been asleep, Chin?" she asked, pushing his hair out of his eyes.

"Two days, more or less. I had to make a difficult decision," he said, "I needed time, and help. I also needed help on that important matter."

"Help from who?"

"Rose, Amy and… Oswin," he said, "she was really quite helpful with the selection, you know."

"Were you Christmas shopping?" she asked him playfully.

"Don't be daft, I already know what I'm getting you for Christmas, Coo," he said. "We've gotten married twice, haven't we?"

"Are you actually asking me that question?"

"No, just hold on a tick. Let me finish, I wrote a speech and everything. Hang on," he fished in his tweed pockets for a crumpled bit of paper and unravelled it before him. " 'Clara. I didn't want to call you anything but your name for this. We've been married twice. The first time wasn't really a proper time, because neither of us remember it, and it was truthfully very stressful. The second time also wasn't quite a proper time, because it was organised in secret by out time travelling friends. Our vows and the things we said and the ring exchange, they were - I hope - completely true and honest, however. And it would be such a hassle to get all those guests again, even though they forgot a few like Elliot from 2020 and his family, it's very unrealistic and pointless to re-do the entire wedding. But there is one part I'd like to repeat. Actually, it was a part we never did the first time round' - sorry, _second_ time round - 'that I'd like to do now, on Squam, with just the two of us.' You have to know, it's been an unbelievably long while since I did this last, I have no idea what is and isn't proper," he stood up and helped her to her feet, though in admission she was too light headed to stay stood up for too long. Then, once he'd steadied her, he drew a tiny black box out of his pocket and dropped to one knee, his face a picture of crimson.

"No, you don't have to-"

"Of course I have to, otherwise we haven't done it properly. It's not like I'm asking you to marry me, wifey," he said. She gave him a look. "Well, alright, but you know what I mean. Purely for the sake of tradition, not because I'm in love with you or anything-"

"Course not," she smirked.

"Clara Oswald, will you marry me?" he asked. _Resist all sarcasm, resist all sarcasm, resist all sarcasm,_ she thought.

"Of course I will, Doctor!" he said, and then he jumped up and spun her around in his arms while kissing her so hard anyone would have thought they hadn't been allowed to kiss at all for days. _Wait…_ Clara thought, but then her thoughts were completely lost when he carried her, like all good husbands should, over the threshold of the TARDIS. Then he scampered back out and retrieved the wheelchair.

"Oh, blimey, forgot the most important part," he lifted her hand up and slid the tiny, silver engagement ring he'd needed the help of three different women to pick out onto her finger and they completely ignored the frankly annoying applause from around them.


End file.
